Page not found - SNL Transcripts Tonight

SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03: Californians For Schwarzenegger

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 29: Episode 1

Californians For Schwarzenegger..written by: Jim Downey

Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement by Californians For Schwarzenegger.

[ dissolve to Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting on a mock home library set ]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good evening. This Tuesday, the people of California.. will go to the polls.. to make an important decision. Whether they will continue.. with the fair policies.. of Gray [ sounding like “Craig” when he says it ] Davis.. in the special interest in Sacramento.. or take back our state.. by electing me the governor. And, let me tell you something – Gray Davis is scared! We know this.. because he’s starting.. with a negative campaign.. saying that I’m not ready for this job.. and all of these things.. that I have no specific proposals to get California.. of the mess that we are in! This is not so! It’s not! I have made an exhaustive study.. of the five most serious issues.. facing California. And tonight, I’m here to present the detail.. my five-point program.. for dealing with them!

Number One: The Economy.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “The Economy” ]

Under Gray Davis, we see it all the time, taxes go up, up, up.. and jobs go away, away, away. To Nevada.. and Arizona.. and all of those places. But I will stop this! How? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] by keeping jobs in California.. and creating new jobs. Good jobs! Where people come to the place.. and work with the employer.. and he gives them the money for doing these things!

Second: Education.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Education” ]

After the ecomony.. the children and the education is, to me, the most important thing. So, what will I do to fix education? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will support the schools.. with the reading and the writing, and the adding together.. the adding together of the numbers and the geography, and all of these things. Because the children of California are the future.. and so on.

Third: There is the issue of Crime.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Crime” ]

Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I am against the criminals! With the murder and the robbery and the arsons-for-hire impersonating of police officers, and things of this nature. I am against these things!

Fourth: The Environment.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Environment” ]

It is all very well for me to have a detailed program on jobs.. and education.. and crime.. and this and that! But if we do not pass along a clean environment for children.. and grandchildren.. it is all for nothing! And then, like Gray Davis, I have a plan.. for the environment. Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will help safeguard the environment.. with positive ID’s for protecting it.. and helpful proposals for making better the quality of our air, and the water, and all of that! Also, I will support the digging up of good ideas by others.

Fifth – and last: we must remember that, despite our differences.. and the bitterness of this campaign.. and all of these things.. we are all Californians. And that is why we must come together.. as one California. That is why we must celebrate our diversity.. that is the thing.. and that is why I am for the affirmative action.. and the rights for the Latinos and the Asians and the Native Americans and the scientoligists, and all of that. And also for the gays, with the men having sex with other men.. and the lesbians with each other.. and the putting of the gerbils and the hamsters, and so on, into the bottom.. and things of this nature! All this, I support.

So, there you have it. My five-point plan.. for California. And, remember.. when you go to the polls this Tuesday.. you’re not just voting for Governor.. oyu’re alo voting for our future.. and things of that nature.

And, one more thing.. “Live, from New York.. and all of that.. it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03: Cooking Class

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cooking Class

Instructor…..Jack Black
Pete…..Chris Parnell
Gabe Fisher…..Fred Armisen
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez…..Horatio Sanz
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch

[ frizzy long-haired instructor addresses the class ]

Instructor: Hey.. welcome to the Learning Aneex. This is the Art of Italian Cooking. Uh.. I’m gonna be your instructor – Gerald O’Shea!

Pete: [ chuckles ] Well, that doesn’t sound very Italian!

Instructor: Well, it ain’t! Okay! Before we start.. let me take you on a little journey that is Gerald O’Shea, alright? You’ll find no more better qualified food teacher than me, and here is my resume..short list! Super Salad.. Panda Inn.. Wok ‘n Roll.. One Potato, Two Potato.. SpudCo.. Ye Olde Spaghetti Factor.. Great American Hero.. The Great American Cookie Co.. Philadelphia Cheesesteak Factory.. yogurt Machine.. Fudge Company.. and, up until today, Sbarro’s! Where, just like every other place, I was wrongfully terminated due to the fact that I will not put this lion’s mane into a hairnet! Nope! This mane CAN’T be tamed!! So don’t even THINK about it!! Alright?!! [ short pause ] Now, before we start cooking, let’s go around and introduce ourselves.

Gabe Fisher: Okay, uh.. hell-o-o-o-o! My name is Gabe Fish-errr.. and, uh.. I enjoy the finer things in life. Foo-oo-oo-ooddd! Wi-i-ine! And, uh.. beautiful women, and uh.. I’ve been told I can really, uh.. “cook” in the bedroom! [ smiling ] So, I’d like to learn how to cook in the kitchen!

Instructor: It’s true, Bro – ladies love good food. You know, sometimes when I got off my shift at Sbarro’s, I’d dig around all the mistake pizzas out of the dumpster, and troll about the city to woo a lovely lass. It worked like a charm, Broseph! Next!

Ruth Weinstock: Well, uh.. my name’s Ruth.. and, recently, a movie came into my life, called “Under the Tuscan Sun”. And, it inspired me to learn Italian cuisine. Now.. I need to know: will there be dairy in any of these dishes? If so, count me out – dairy gives me a watery stool.

Instructor: O-kayyy.. I will be aware of that, Brosephine. Okay, you – Vasquez.

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I wanna learn how to cook on my own. ‘Cause I’m sicka eatin’ peanut butter and jellies!

Instructor: Alright. And.. Pete.. is it?

Pete: Yeah, well uh.. my wife told me, if I didn’t like her cooking so much, I should go take the class, learn how to cook my damn self! [ chuckles ] So, here I am!

Instructor: Alright. Now, class, listen up. Now, the first rule of food prep is “Wash your hands”, which we’ve already done! [ leans over the counter, his long hair draping over the sauce pot ] Am I right? Alright, Gabe – I’m gonna need you to chop up these tomatoes for me, capiche? Vasquez, please – start peeling the garlic. And, Ruth – could you, uh, grate the cheese up a bit?

Ruth Weinstock: Uh.. I can’t even touch dairy! If I even touch it, I’ll get a watery stool!

Instructor: Alright.. du-ly noted – switch with him. [ points to Gabe ]

Ruth Weinstock: No can do! Tomatoes make my fingers swell up like sausages!

Gabe Fisher: [ laughing ] You know, uh, working with food is, uh, very e-rot-ic! And.. the a-ro-mas are very, uhhhh.. sen-su-al!

Ruth Weinstock: Yeah? Talk to me after I’ve eaten gluton.

Instructor: Alright, Vasquez.. Vasquez, how we doing?

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I might steal some of this garlic in my pockets to scare off vampires on my way homes!

Instructor: [ laughing ] Alright, you’re gonna be okay, friend!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I don’t think so – you should see my neighborhood! [ singing ] “The freaks come out at night! The freaks come out at night!”

Pete: [ rambling about his domestic bliss to anyone who can’t avoid listening ] So, then I told her, “Fine! I’ll take the cooking class – you take a laundry class, learn how to properly iron a shirt so I don’t embarrass myself in front of the junior executives!” [ laughs ]

Instructor: Yeahhh.. I know what you mean, man. [ begins rubbing the sauce-stirring spoon through his thick, mangy hair ] Chicks are bitch!

Gabe Fisher: [ to Ruth ] Uhh.. excuse me, but uh.. if I may be so bold, maybe if uhhh.. you’re not busy Tuesday, uhhh.. you could come over to my a-part-ment, and uh.. we could re-create this dish together.. uh.. iiiin a more intimate setting!

Ruth Weinstock: I’ll come over on three conditions. Rule #1: that you have no pets, as I am highly allergic to their dander and saliva; Rule #2: my clothes will remain on at all times; and Rule #3: one glass of wine, and I’ll forget all about Rule #2!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Oooooohh! The sauce smells delicious! And this cheese smells like feet!

Pete: [ still rambling about his domestic bliss ] So, then I said.. “Hey, Lorraine, I got an idea – why don’t you take a How Not To Let Yourself Go class! [ laughs hysterically ]

Instructor: Here, buddy.. this is a lot better than sex, my friend. Taste this!

[ everyone digs a spoon into the sauce pot for a taste sample ]

Pete: Hmm.. mm-hmm.. mm-hmm..

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Holy moly! There’s a hair in my sauce! [ pulls out a hair ]

Pete: I-I got one, too.. [ holds up a hair ]

Gabe Fisher: Uh.. I don’t mean to com-plainn.. but I got one, too! [ chuckles ]

Ruth Weinstock: [ pulls a long strand of her hair from her mouth ] Yep. Hair.

Instructor: [ shocked by the accusations, in spite of his long hair ] Hey, man, don’t look at me, man-dudes! This is not mine.. it’s not mine!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: But you the only one with hair this long! And you were making the sauce. It’s got to be you, Gerald O’Shea!

Instructor: OKAY!! You GOT me!! Congratulations, you FOUND the hair!! [ a beat ] Now, I’m gonna go take a nap.. and wake me up if you find my band-aid.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 29: Episode 1

]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

October 4th, 2003

Jack Black

John Mayer

None

Kyle Gass

Will Ferrell
Californians For SchwarzeneggerSummary: Hoping to be elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) outlines his five-point plan.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Transcript

MontageNote: The new opening montage, which takes the viewer on a journey through New York City to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, was directed by Dave Meyers, who would later win an MVPA (Music Video Production Association) award for Best Direction of a Female Artist for Missy Elliott’s “Pass That Dutch” music video by the end of the season.

Jack Black’s MonologueSummary: Jack Black sings of the perils of fame while wandering the back halls of Studio 8-H.

Also Hosted: 01k.

Note: Garrett Morris is visible in the audience.

Transcript

Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Transcript

Queer Eye For The Straight GalSummary: The “Straight Eye For the Queer Guy” knock-off is disturbingly fraught with lesbians.

The Wade Robson ProjectSummary: Wode Robson (Seth Meyers) hosts a dance show for people who don’t know how to dance.

Transcript

Cooking ClassSummary: The Adult students learn the art of Italian cooking from a long-haired chef (Jack Black).

Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez, Ruth Weinstock.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Yankee Superheroes prevent aliens from conquering Earth.

John Mayer performs “Bigger Than My Body”Bio: John Mayer (1977-) was a regular in the Atlanta club circuit before he recorded his major label debut album.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Rush Limbaugh (Jeff Richards) comments on biased statements and pain pills Finesse Mitchell comments on the weird black girls he saw at the movies. In a clip from the Emmy Awards, Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) punches Wanda Sykes (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh, Bill Cosby.

Note: Finesse Mitchell’s commentary is later revamped as the Starkeesha character, which he performed at his audition. Lorne Michaels hired him on the spot after viewing the impression.

Transcript

John Mayer performs “Clarity”

Cat’s in the CradleSummary: An acoustic guitarist (Jack Black) is interrupted by his estranged dad (Horatio Sanz) and new wife Shelley Long (Amy Poehler).

Transcript

Wine CriticSummary: At a wine tasting, a wine critic (Jack Black) spits putrid wines on his presenter (Seth Meyers).

TelemarketersSummary: Head telemarketer (Jack Black) mourns the end of his era in song.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 28: 2002-2003

]]>

Starring:

Featuring:

Episodes

10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill

10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes

11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve

11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones

12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish

01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck

02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan

05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder

05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
……Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Today Show anchor Matt Lauer, who switched place with a New York City cabdriver last week, is now being sent to do a show from the north Korean border. In related news, it’s finally dawning on Lauer that somebody at The Today Show hates him.

This week, 60-year-old church worker Mimi Fahnestock revealed that she had an affair with President Kennedy when she was a 19-year-old White House intern. In a less-publicized story, 51-year-old church worker Margaret Wallinback revealed that she used to masturbate to thoughts of Richard Nixon.

Fahnestock said that she finally went public with her Kennedy story because “It’s a gift that my daughters know this is a piece of my history, adding, “I hope it inspires them to do great men.”

Carol Channing, the 82-year-old actress best known for her role in “Hello Dolly”, married her 83-year-old childhood sweetheart. The wedding was reportedly tasteful and classy, and the honeymoon was disgusting.

“American Idol” is now down to its final two contestants, Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken, in what is sure to be the ultimate battle of the sexes.

[ image of New York Times behind Tina’s head ]

Tina Fey: “Hi! I’d like to start getting home delivery of the Sunday New york Times. I like the fabricated interviews; he goes straight for the plagierized articles.”

This week, the New York Times made public the details of disgraced reporter Jayson Blair, who was found to have made up or plagierized dozens of articles for the venrable paper. The Times finally caught Blair in a lie during the war in Iraq, when he claimed to be embedded in Ashleigh Banfield.

Rival paper The New York Post has seized the opportunity to criticize The Times over the scandal. One article in The Post went so far as to say: “Them snobs ain’t so klassy now, our they?”

[ from out of nowhere, Cyndi Lauper’s “Giels Just Want To Have Fun” can be heard moving closer ]

Jimmy Fallon: What? Where’s that music coming from?

Tina Fey: I don’t know..

[ Drunk Girl, wearing a skimpy bikini and carrying a boombox appears at the desk ]

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl..

Drunk Girl: What are you guys doing in my tanning bed? I only paid for ten minutes, so.. boot SCOOT it! [ climbs on top the desk and stretches out ]

Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, you need to shave, man..

Drunk Girl: Keep your eyes off my tasties, Jim-my Fall-on.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s like a car wreck – I can’t help it!

Drunk Girl: Shuttup! [ a beat ] I can’t wait for the party after the show.. Do you wanna know what I’m gonna do at the SNL after-party?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what I’m gonna do?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: D’you knowww what’m gonn’do?

Jimmy Fallon: No, no..

Drunk Girl: D’younnnnow’gonndo..?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you know-o?

Jimmy Fallon: No!

Drunk Girl: [ squealing ] I’m gonna make out with Don Pardo! ‘Cause he’s a fath-er fig-ure!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out, will’ya? Get out of here?

Drunk Girl: What? [ turns her back to the audience, and proceeds to remove her top while facing Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: No.. please don’t do this.. That’s actually gross..

Drunk Girl: One day.. one day I’m gonna use these to feed our baby!

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, everybody.

[ Drunk Girl climbs down from the desk and meanders her way out into the audience ]

Plans are in the works to transform the Meadowlands in Hackensack, New Jersey into an ecological preserve that would be ten times the size of Central Park. This will finally give guidos a chance to run free in their natural habitat.

ABC announced this week that John Stossel will join Barbara Walters as co-host of the news magazine show “20/20”, while Hugh Downs will simply be rolled three feet to the left and never told.

A lizard head found May 2nd by a customer in a carry-out salad in a Sante Few Applebee’s Restaurant, has tested negative for salmenella. So come to Applebee’s, where the lizard heads in the salads are always salmanella-free!

Tina Fey: The Flight Club, a strip club in Detroit, plans to charter jets to Las Vegas for its customers, complete with 20 dancers and scantily-clad flight attendants.

Jimmy Fallon: What’s the first rule of Flight Club, Tina?

Tina Fey: Oh, no.. am I about to get punched..?

Jimmy Fallon: There is no Flight Club! [ punches Tina in the face ]

Tina Fey: Ow! I always forget that!

NBC is reportedly trying to get Heather locklear to join the cast of “Good Morning, Miami”. But, so far, she’s been kicking too hard for them to get her in the van.

USA Today reports that counterfeiters have successfully slipped mislabeled and even fake drugs into U.S. pharmacies. This has led the FDA to remind patients that their heart pills should not have a peanut in the middle.

Congratulations to Oklahoma State Universitys oldest graduate this Spring. 62-year-old Steven Baker Little, former alcoholic homeless man, who has earned a degree in English. Ironically, in todays job market, an English degree best qualifies a person to become an alcoholic homeless man.

The 43-year old son of Louis Farrakhan was arrested after a hit-and-run incident in Indiana, while driving his Humvee. It’s a good thing police got his license plate number, because, without it, the only thing they had to go on was a black man in a bow tie driving a yellow Humvee through Indiana.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s a bittersweet week for us here at “Saturday Night Live”, as Chris Kattan is performing on his final show after a fantastic 7-year career

Tina Fey: Here now, with a terrible re-enactment of that career, is our own Chris Kattan!

[ Chris Kattan appears ]

Chris Kattan: Thank you, Jimmy.. Tina. Let’s begin.

[ Haddaway’s “What Is love?” pots up, with the SUPER: “A Roxbury Guy” ]

Chris Kattan: [ bopping his head and pointing from himself to the camera ] Me, him? Him, me? Me, him?

[ music stops, Kattan reaches down for his Goth wig and puts it on his head; SUPER: “Azrael Abyss” ]

Chris Kattan: My name’s Azrael Abyss! and I’m the Prince of Sorrow!

[ Kattan removes the wig and grabs an appple; SUPER: “Mr. Peepers” ]

Chris Kattan: Bak! Bak! [ chews apple rapidly and spits it to the floor ]

[ SUPER: “Antonio Banderas” ]

Chris Kattan: But I must! [ mimes unbuttoning his shirt to sexy guitar music ]

[ Kattan puts on a pair of glasses; SUPER: “Suel Forrestor: The Gibberish Guy” ]

Chris Kattan: [ mumbles incoherently ]

[ Britney Spears’ “Oops.. I Did It Again” pots up, as Chris Parnell stands at Kattan’s left; SUPER: “DeMarco Brothers” ]

Chris Kattan: [ mimes holding his nose to recover from a fart ]

[ Parnell exits; “SUPER: “Al Pacino” ]

Chris Kattan: Hoo-ahh!

[ SUPER: “The Crocodile Hunter” ]

Chris Kattan: It’s the hoiloight of mah loife!

[ SUPER: “Mary Katherine Gallagher” ]

Chris Kattan: [ holds his arms up in the air ] Superstar!! [ shakes his head ] Sorry.. that’s not mine..

[ SUPER: “David Gest” ]

Chris Kattan: Uh.. Li-za..

[ SUPER: “Gay Hitler” ]

Chris Kattan: [ holds fingers under the nose to represent a moustache ] Sprechen sie dick!

[ SUPER: “And fonally, for the last time, ladies and gentlemen” ]

Chris Kattan: [ puts on Mango cap and tears off his clothes to reveal Mango costume underneath ] No! You CAN’T have-a da Mango!

[ Queen’s “We Are The Champions” pots up ]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Chris Kattan!

With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Top O’ The Morning To You

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Top O’ The Morning To You

Patrick Fitzwilliams…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Patrick Fitzpatrick…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: You’re watching RTE – Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 a.m., and next up – it’s “Top O’ The Morning'”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ dissolve to barroom set, Patrick and William perched on their bar stools ]

Patrick Fitzwilliams: It’s 9:30 a.m. – welcome to “Top O’ The Mornin'”! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzwatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes – so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Go to your Toolbar, click on File, drag down the Menu, and save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Colin Farrell’s Anti-Bacterial Cream.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You put it on when you can’t remember where you put it last night.

William Fitzpatrick: That’s Colin Farrell! The #1 name in anti-bacterial genital creams.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Say, William.. how did you get that black eye there?

William Fitzpatrick: Ah. It’s funny you should ask. Last night, you punched me in the eye.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: No, you didn’t.

William Fitzpatrick: Aye. I remember it well. We were doing shots of Tequila..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

William Fitzpatrick: That’s not how I remember it at all. As I recall, it was a different scene altogether..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: See? It wasn’t Tequila, it was Jaeger.

William Fitzpatrick: It was Jaeger!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It was!

William Fitzpatrick: I’m very sorry. You know what? I clearly owe you an apology.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I forgive you.

William Fitzpatrick: How about a shot, then?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Two Jaegers.

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers! [ they chug ]

William Fitzpatrick: Alright. Our first guest is someone very close to my heart. Please welcome me dad – Patrick Fitzpatrick!

[ Williams dad steps out, escprting his other young children out across the set ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: How are ya’, lads? You remember the children – Shawn, Molly, Patrick, Chevon, Shannon, Finnigan.. another Shawn, Brendan, Roland, Colleen, Mary, Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Kay, Pat, Kate and Allie, Hannah, Carrey, Clair and all the rest of them!

William Fitzpatrick: What are you thinking, Dad? Why did you have to being out all of the kids?

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Well, William, I was covering for your mother. She went up to Kilkenny for the St. George’s Sodabread Bake-Off. [ yelling off-camera ] Erin! Get off the cigarette machine! Don’t let me tell you twice!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, I thought I told you – I hate it when you bring your family over. It’s like you’re related to Darby O’Gill and the Little People.

William Fitzpatrick: Well, excuse me, Patrick.. but I’m under a little bit of pressure being the oldest of 23! Don’t get me wrong – I’d love to stroll through life with only 14 brothers and sisters like yourself.. but I haven’t been quite so blessed.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It is true that Mr. Fitzpatrick has the most powerful and accurate seed.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ honored ] That’s right! You got it right – I hot what I aim for! [ looks off-screen ] Aiden! Lorken! Loxen! Liam! Get over there with Conan, Shawna, Shadea, Claren, Owen! [ grabs one of the kids carrying a beer as he runs past ] Ah-ah! Joseph.. what did we say? Not until you’re thirteen. [ to Patrick and William ] He knows his whiskey, though.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, if you don’t do something, I’m gonna lose it.

William Fitzpatrick: Don’t worry, Patrick. I happen to have a jar full of Irish children’s favorite sweets. Hey, kids! Who wants a hard-boiled egg! I’ve got boiled eggs for everyone! [ the kids gather round for some candy ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let me have one! [ grabs an egg ] Now, Mr. Fitzpatrick.. now, William tells me that you’re- [ attempts to crack egg open, but gets splashed by its contents ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ohhhh, I have!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ wiping broken egg off his shirt ] You forgot to boil the eggs, didn’t you?

William Fitzpatrick: [ embarrassed ] Yes, now.. it seems to appear that I have forgotten to.. boil the eggs. Yeah. I suppose you’ll be wanting to go over to the Punching Wall.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah.

[ they walk over to the Punching Wall ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You know what? Maybe I don’t need to punch the wall, you know? The walk really cooled me down a bit.. [ the kids begin to throw the eggs at Patrick ] Stinkin’ brats! [ punches a huge hole in the wall, revealing one of William’s younger siblings back there ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Fiona, there you are. My apologies. This one likes to get into walls.. Ahhh, they’re adorable, aren’t they? But.. you know..

William Fitzpatrick: [ wiping at his dad’s face ] You’ve got some egg on your face..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: It won’t be the first time!

William Fitzpatrick: It looks good on you, you wear it well.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Yeah, I do.. [ wraps his arm around William ] You never forget your first child..

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, boy..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ with a tear in his eye ] And you will always be.. my baby boy, William.

William Fitzpatrick: [ panicking ] Please, Dad! Not here!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now! Not now!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Not.. here, in this place.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now, at this time.

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now!

William Fitzpatrick: You’ve got to pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let’s have a shot, then!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Right on!

William Fitzpatrick: [ quickly pours the shots ] There you are! Cheers, everyone!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Cheers!

[ they chug their shots quickly ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ahhhh, that’ll make it right.. [ another noise from the kids is heard off-screen ] Cara! Ann! No throwing your sister! And this time, I mean it! Megan! Go sit with Julio!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ confused ] Julio?

William Fitzpatrick: We, uh.. we ran out of Irish names.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Oh. [ Irish music pots up ] Well, that’s all the time we have! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: And I am Patrick Fitzpatrick!

All Three: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Dan Aykroyd’s Monologue

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jim Belushi

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks a lot! Wow, wow, wow! what a bea-u-ti-ful night in Manhatten! For those of you who may not be aware, I worked here from 1975 until 1979. Thank you! All this week, everyone’s been asking me why it’s taken me 24 years to come back and host. Well, the reason is – the first cast, we were rebels! John Belushi used to say, “Why should we have a host? We can do it ourselves!” And, uh.. well.. you know, the only time I stood here on Home Base.. was with John Belushi when we were The Blues Brothers. [ audience cheers ] Well.. he’s, uh.. he’s not here tonight; he’s somewhere, but he’s not here tonight. But.. I’ve got his brother Jim. So.. let’s just do this!

[ lights go up, as Jim Belushi steps out as an alternate Blues Brother ]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to Studio 8-H, at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City! Would you please welcome from Hollywood, California, the internationally-renowned star of stage, television and recording: Mr. James “Cool Diamond” Belushi! We are the world-famous Dancing Refrigerators! I am a man of avocado. I’m a man of plum. This is the Have Love Will Travel Review!

[ the break into the Outsiders classic “Time Won’t Let Me” ]

Dan Aykroyd:
“I can’t wait forever
Even though you want me to
I can’t wait forever
To know if you’ll be true
Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…eeWait that long!”

Sing it!

Jim Belushi:
“Can’t you see I’ve waited so longTo love you, to hold you, in my arms.”

Together:
“Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…ee!”

Jim Belushi: Wait long!

[ instrumental break ]

Together: “Ahhh…ahhh…ahhh…ah!”

Jim Belushi: Wait that long!

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! We’ve got a fun-packed show! The spectacular Beyonce is here! It’s Tracy and Kattan’s last show! Final season finale! We’ll be right back! Season finale!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Astronaut Jones

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Scientist…..Dan Aykroyd
Venusian…..Maya Rudolph

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! Astronaut Jones to Planet Earth! We are on the planet Venus! It’s very hot up here, so I doubt we wil encounter any life. Over!

Scientist: Not so fast, Jones.. I’m getting some intense readings on the organatron.

Astronaut Jones: Hold it, Earth! My chief science officer may have found something!

Scientist: Look at this, Jones.. This thing’s whirling! We’re definitely not alone.

Astronaut Jones: Maybe there’s dan-gerrrr!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”

Hey!”

Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! With special guests star: Dan Aykroyd! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 19: The Battle For Venus”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: Okay, Earth.. I understand. We’ll get the stones and get out. I love you, too, Earth. Bye!

Scientist: What did Earth say?

Astronaut Jones: They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it!

Scientist: I’m afraid it’s too late. Look at that. [ points at an approaching Venusian woman ]

Astronaut Jones: Mmm! Lord have mercy!

Venusian: Creatures, who are you?

Astronaut Jones: Sweet!

Scientist: Don’t, don’t don’t talk to her..

Astronaut Jones: Oh, man!

Scientist: It’s some kind of a pure energy field..

Astronaut Jones: It’s pure!

Scientist: Projecting an electro-magnetic force..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Scientist: Pulsating an extremely dangerous voltage!

Astronaut Jones: Oh, oh!

Scientist: I recommend we get back to the rocket ship..

Astronaut Jones: Right on!

Scientist: And not have any intercourse with this creature!

Astronaut Jones: Hold on, Spock!

Venusian: Earth creatures..

Astronaut Jones: What?

Venusian: My name is Vanella..

Astronaut Jones: I’m ready to jump all over you..

Venusian: You are not welcome here..

Astronaut Jones: I know this.

Venusian: You have only three of your Earth minutes to evacuate this planet or face extermination.

Astronaut Jones: Heat it up.. turn it loose!

Venusian: We are a hostile race..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm, yeah..

Venusian: ..unwilling to engage in communication with other life forms..

Astronaut Jones: Yeah, you the future!

Venusian: If you value your life, you will abandon your mission here, and return to Earth.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm..

Venusian: I have warned you..

Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.

Venusian: Now, what do the Earthlings say to this?

Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you bend over and let me snap that booty-licious!

Scientist: [ worried ] Jones! If you touch that thing, we’ll blow up!

Astronaut Jones: If I don’t touch that thing, I’m gonna blow up!

[ Maya Rudolph finally breaks character ]

Maya Rudolph: You know what, Tracy? Don’t.

Tracy Morgan: Aw, cut the crap, Maya! You know Ive been wantin to get you pregnant!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Hardball

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Andrew Card…..Dan Aykroyd
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan
Sen. Rick Santorum…..Chris Parnell

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! President Bush declares that those responsible for this week’s attack in Saudia Arabia will be hunted down and given a dose of American justice! Is it me, or is this administration starting to sound like an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger”?! I havent seen a guy this cocky since Ruben from “American Idol” at a waffle-eating contest! As the election season heats up, the question becomes: Is Bush unstoppable? Or do the Democrats have a David for this Goliath? Joining us tonight, White house Chief-of-Staff Andrew Card!

Andrew Card: Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Whatever you said, shut it! Also joining us, the man who has more track suits than the Wardrobe Department at “The Sopranos”! Democratic Presidential hopeful and political train wreck, Al Sharpton!

Rev. Al Sharpton: I-I-I’ve got some good stuff for you today, Chris!

Chris Matthews: Great. But just on principle, I’m still gonna tell you to zip it! Mr. Card, we’re gonna start with you! You see the Republican witnesses heading into the 2004 campaign?

Andrew Card: Absolutely not! Just look at President Bush’s recent accomplishments. He piloted that fighter jet by himself and landed on the aircraft carrier – people love that! He single-handledly caught Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.. and made them wrestle each other in a cage match! Two years ago, he came up with the idea for”Joe Millionaire”. He’s amazing!

Chris Matthews: Uh-huh. And does it bother you that none of that’s true?!

Andrew Card: Look, Chris.. if it doesn’t bother Karl Rove, it doesn’t bother me.

Chris Matthews: Fair enough. Al Sharpton! What’s your strategy for combatting such a popular incumbent?!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ mumbling incoherently ] Uh.. running-running.. what.. what..?

Chris Matthews: How’re you gonna win the Presidential election!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, it’s gonna be easy! Look who I’m runnin’ against: Edwards, Kerry, Gephardt.. nobody knows those dudes!

Chris Matthews: What about Bush? How you gonna beat him?

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ confused ] What? Bush can run again?! Aw, come on, dammit! Come on, man! You gotta let me know about these things, dammit!

Chris Matthews: Sharpton campaign – right about where we all thought it would be! Andrew Card, what will the Democrats have to do to have a chance?

Andrew Card: Well, the Democrats biggest problem is that no one recognizes their candidates. They need someone whos universally adored. The only shot they have is to.. lower the voting age to 6.. and nominate Spongebob Squarepants.

Chris Matthews: Andrew, come on.. is it that hopeless, or what?

Andrew Card: Chris, not even Jesus Christ would run against George Bush. Because, as the Bible clearly states.. Jesus was a Republican.

Chris Matthews: Nice! That’s a good crazy boy! Our next guest is doing his best to help the Democrats win. He made headlines last week, when he equated homosexual sex with incest and bestiality! Please welcome the man who put the idiot into “He’s an idiot!” Republican Senator Rick Santora! Senator, do you think yur controversial remarks are gonna hurt President Bush in 2004?

Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I was taken out of context. Uh.. when I said gay sex was as bad as man-on-dog sex, I meant man-on-male dog. Sex between a human make and a female dog, I have no problem with.

Chris Matthews: Good Lord, this is better than I thought! Keep going!

Sen. Rick Santorum: I have no problem with gay people. I-I like Liberace.. I like George Michael.. I even like the gay Teletubby. I dont like it when Liberace, George Michael and the gay Teletubby have sex with each other.

Chris Matthews: Don’t stop, Sentora! One more time!

Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I’m not asking much. All Im asking for is every American male to get a tattoo on his fanny that reads “Exit Only”.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckles ] Three in a row! We call that a turkey where I’m from, people! Final thoughts, Andrew Card!

Andrew Card: Chris.. this president is unstoppable. He’s 22-feet tall.. he can stop bullets in mid-air like Neo! When he was eight years old, he ran to the moon! I’ve personally seen this man lasso a tornado! And he’ll be our President for the next 200 years! Because he cannot die!

Chris Matthews: [ talking into a prop telephone ] Hello? Yeah, he’s here. Yeah, okay.. That was the loony bin.. they need you back by eight! Al Sharpton, final thoughts! Your upcoming campaign!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. there is no campaign, Chris.. I’m gonna go back to what I do best! Showing up where the rich white people hang out, and screaming at the cameras “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Chris Matthews: Believe me.. it’s broke! Sen. Foot-in-Mouth!

Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris.. my opinions may be unpopular, but they’re not uninformed. I’ve been involved in literally thousands of acts of gay sex, and not once have I felt like it’s okay.

Chris Matthews: I guess I should have seen that one coming! When we come back, Sen. Santorum’s gonna sing a number from “Hairspray”! But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts