Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 5th, 2002

Matt Damon

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band



NBC Special Report
Summary: Live, via satellite, Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) rides on the back of a missle headed for Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Dick Cheney.

Note: This sketch was originally planned as a satellite commentary on Weekend Update, but was converted into a cold opening at the last minute because the original cold opening bombed during dress rehearsal.



Matt Damon's Monologue
Summary: Because he wants to perform in a sketch about a huge summer news story, Matt Damon performs an impression of Justin Timberlake participating in a club dance-off with ex-girlfriend Britney Spears (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Justin Guarini, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears.


Summary: The AFLAC duck is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).


Brian Fellow's Safari Planet
Summary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) won't allow animal sex talk on his show.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.


Summary: Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carrot Top.


Springsteen Concert
Summary: Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.


Summary: Anal-suppository meals for when you're really on-the-go.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian.


Hannibal Goes to College
Summary: A college-aded Hannibal Lecter (Matt Damon) attends Michigan State in the latest "Silence of the Lambs" prequel trailer.


Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band perform "Lonesome Day"
Note: After an 18-year hiatus, Budweiser once again becomes the official sponsor of SNL's musical guest segment.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Seth Meyers and Matt Damon give advice to Yankees fans. Spanish comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) teaches Jimmy Fallon how to tell comedy by using a catchphrase.

Recurring Characters: Fericito.


Dr. Matt Damon
Summary: A doctor named Matt Damon (Chris Parnell) doesn't like being in movie star Matt Damon's shadow.

Note: Ben Affleck was scheduled to make a cameo appearance during this sketch, but he had to cancel at the last minute.


Versace Pockets
Summary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces new and expensive microwave dinners.

Recurring Characters: Dontella Versace, Puff Daddy, Rosie O'Donnell, Axl Rose.


TV Funhouse
Summary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, "The Smurfette Show" combines the antics of Anna Nicole Smith and the Smurfs.

Bruce Springsteen performs "You're Missing"
Also Performed: 91s.

Sex Robot
Summary: A lazy scientist (Matt Damon) tries to pass off his Sex Robot project as fundamental research.


The Dr. Phil Show
Summary: Dr. Phil (Jeff Richards) confuses his guests with his off-kilter Texan expressions.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil, Santa claus.


The War On Iraq
Summary: NBC airs a new, hilarious sitcom based on real-time political events.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From the President of the United States
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Note: Darrell Hammond was to take over Will Ferrell's vacated role as President George W. Bush, but the sketch bombed so badly at dress rehearsal that it was replaced with a Dick Cheney bit from Weekend Update. Though Chris Parnell would resume the role for the remainder of the season, Hammond did get the opportunity to portray the Commander-in-Chief in two live broadcasts in 2003 before being replaced by Will Forte.

SNL Transcripts