Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond Alberta Jones…..Queen Latifah Friend/Louis Armstrong…..Tracy Morgan Della Peyton…..Maya Rudolph Kelvyn Delongpre…..Fred Armisen Rufus Monroe…..Dean Edwards
Announcer: Youre watching A&E, which means youre old, or youre asleep and accidentally rolled over onto the remote control. Coming up at 11:00 on A&E, it’s.. “Biography”: The Guy Who Played Dauber on “Coach”, Bill Fager- something.. But, first.. “Profiles In Jazz”.
[ dissolve to the haggard-as-usual Jack Perkins on his part of the set, holding up a drink of something strong ]
Jack Perkins: Welcome to “Profiles In Jazz”. I’m Jack Perkins. I used to host “Biography’, but, apparently, the pansies upstairs thought my drinking was becoming a problem. I don’t think I have a drinking problem! I drink, I get drunk; I pass out naked in the middle of the A&E Christmas party! No problemo! [ pause ] Anyway.. back in 1926, down in tiny Mecklenberg, Mississippi.. one of the biggest, most controverial voices in jazz was about to burst onto the scene. Miss Alberta Jones.
[ dissolve to a remembrance by an anonymous friend ]
Friend: I first saw Alberta Jones in 1924. I was walking down the street, and she had cracked me clean across the face with a Louisville Slugger! Now, she had thought I was the guy who stole her icebox! I did still her icebox! But the thing about Alberta was that she sang about things that other people wouldn’t – especially the females! [ laughing ] And I’m talking about sexual things here! Her songs were filled with sexual innuendos! Like that one song.. that one song.. “Milkman’s Blues”!
[ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]
Alberta Jones: [ singing ] “The milkman came around Brought me a jar of his love. Yeah, he brought me fresh cream Said he wouldn’t wear no glove. Every time the milkman came around I knew I was gonna get laid!”
[ dissolve to a remembrance by friend Della Peyton ]
Della Peyton: Y-yeah, you see.. if you listen very carefully.. the song wasn’t just about a milkman delivering milk.. it was also about sexual intercourse, you see.. The part that gives it away is when she say she gonna get laid.. One of my favorites was a saucy little tune called “Joe The Plumber”.
[ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]
Alberta Jones: [ singing ] “That man, Joe The Plumber He sure know how to lay your pipes. He can unclog my drain Up to ten times a night.
Just to be clear, the drain refers to my sexual organs Hey, Mr. Plumber.. Whaddaya say we hump?”
[ dissolve to remembrance by jazz historian Kelvyn Delongpre ]
Kelvyn Delongpre: The 20’s were a really transformative time for Jazz, and the African-American diaspora as a whole. These songs were a mode of reclaiming the sexuality that had long been suppressed by the social racial status quo.
[ dissolve to remembrance by former lover Kelvyn Delongpre ]
Kelvyn Delongpre: Yeah.. Alberta Jones was pretty much jusy a ho! I mean, she’d do the nasty with just about anyone! Man.. women.. old people.. cigar store Indian.. you name it!
[ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]
Alberta Jones: [ singing ] “Let’s make whoopee in a park Let’s make whoopee in a car Let’s make whoopee in a tree Ohh.. let’s make whoopee..In.. my.. butt!”
[ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]
Jack Perkins: When she died at the age of 29, due to what scientists called a “perfect storm” of venereal diseases, Alberta left behind osme of the Blues’ most poetic and timeles classics. Songs like: “Butt Party”.. “I Don’t Do Oral”.. “Weiner Patrol”.. “Okay, Fine, I’ll Do Oral”.. “Autumn Nocturn”.. “Teabags For Two”.. Alright, I’m not reading the rest of these. Her most famous song, of course, was her duet with Louis Armstrong, called “Lovin’ You”.
[ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing with Louis Armstrong ]
Louis Armstrong: “Loving you baby is all I wanna do.”
Alberta Jones: “Loving you baby is easy ‘cuz it’s true.”
Louis Armstrong: “I’m gonna flip you over sideways, and..”[ A black Censored bar appears over Armstring’s mouth, followed by a long bleeping noise commonly heard when TV shows bleep out offensive language ]
[ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]
Jack Perkins: We can’t show you any more of that twenty-four minute masterpiece! In fact, owning a copy of the recording is still a crime in several states! But, that was Alberta Jones. Songbird.. poetess.. legend.. old-fashioned ho bag. For A&E, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-nite!
Jennifer…..Amy Poehler Aisha…..Queen Latifah Sylvia…..Rachel Dratch Shantelle…..Maya Rudolph Charlene…..Tracy Morgan Emily…..Chris Kattan Butcher…..Will Forte Narrator…..Chris Parnell
[Open on exterior of A&P supermarket]
[Interior of supermarket, looking down food aisle. A conservatively-dressed white woman with shopping car enters from right, and a casually-dressed black woman with shopping cart enters from left. Each approaches a freezer case in the middle of the aisle and they simultaneously reach for a large ham lying inside.]
Jennifer: [chuckles] Oh! Isn’t this funny?
Aisha: Heh. It *sure* is…
Jennifer: We both want this ham.
Aisha: We sure did! Hehehe… Well, are you gonna let it go?
Jennifer: Well, no. I mean, I got here first… so…
Aisha: Girl, this is *my* ham!
Jennifer: It’s *my* ham. My husband is bringing home some clients, somevery important clients, and I was going to serve ham. [they begin towrestle more over the ham] There! You thoroughly embarrassed me, so if you would just please…
Aisha: Nuh-uh! I’m’a take this ham home, and I’m’a eat it! [ham-wrestling intensifies]
Jennifer: Ma’am, it’s *my* ham…
Aisha: Don’t you “Ma’am” me, Miss Smarty-Mouth!
Jennifer: Okay, perfect. Are you satisfied?
Aisha: I’ll be satisfied when you let go of my ham!
Jennifer: Uh! I’d hardly expect you to understand this, but I was going to glaze this ham. Do you see what I have in my cart? There’s some cinnamon, some corn syrup, some light brown sugar, half a cup of apple cider… So there you have it, gimme the ham!…
Aisha: Well, for your infor-fay-she-on, I was gonna put a half a pound of butter on this ham, and pineapple it, and stick mad cloves in it, and then I was gonna bake it, and then me an’ my peoples was gonna eat it. So there you have it…
[Second conservatively dressed white woman enters from right]
Sylvia: Oh! Jennifer! Jennifer Hastings!
Jennifer: Sylvia Nash, my God…
Sylvia: [looking incredulously at both women’s hands on the ham] What in heaven’s name?!…
Jennifer: This woman won’t let go of my ham!
Sylvia: [scolding] You let go of it immediately! That’s Jenny’s ham!
Aisha: Shut up! I’m takin’ this ham!
Jennifer: No you’re not…
Sylvia: [reaching in to assist Mrs. Hastings] Give her the ham, you vulgar lady!
[Second casually-dressed black woman enters from left]
Shantelle: Aisha!
Aisha: Shantelle!
Shantelle: What you doin’, girl?
Aisha: These two white bitches is tryin’ to steal my ham!
Shantelle: Oh no they not! You better let go of that ham befo’ you get hit with it upside ya head!
Sylvia: Oh, now listen both of you: Jennifer Hastings is one of the finest women I know. If she says that that is her ham, then I am sure that that is *her* ham!
Jennifer: Thank you, Sylvia. Now let go of the ham!
[Third casually-dressed black woman enters]
Charlene: Aisha, Shantello!
Aisha and Shantelle: [in unison] Hey Charlene!
Charlene: Why is she pullin’ on that ham?
Shantelle: ‘Cause it’s *hers*, and Martha Stewart over there won’t let go…
Jennifer: [sighs]
Charlene: Well just pull on it, girl — you got some pounds on her!
Aisha: What you think I been tryin’ to do? She pullin’ on it like a pit bull!
Jennifer: Uh! How dare you?! I have half a mind…
Aisha: You let go of this ham!
Jennifer: Not on your life! [imperiously] This ham will be glazed, in my Viking stove, on my Williams-Sonoma oven rack…
[Third white woman enters from right, wearing tennis attire and carrying a racket]
Emily: [approaching] Did I hear Jennifer Hastings?
Jennifer: Oh! Emily! Thank God…
Sylvia: Emily, it’s *beyond* horrific: poor Jennifer is about to lose her ham!
Emily: Oh! [wagging finger] Let go of that ham! That ham belongs to myfriend Jennifer Hastings!
Charlene: Ohhhh yeah, let me grab that ham! [reaches in to assist]
Emily: [reaching over with tennis racket and swinging] Keep your hands off her ham!
Jennifer: Uh! Let go!
Aisha: You let go!
Shantelle: You let go!
Emily: Ham-stealer! You’re a ham-stealer!
[arguing and wrestling continues]
[Faint soulful/psychedelic music begins as long-haired man in butcher’sapron enters from rear left]
Butcher: Stop it! Stop it this instant! [lights go down as he takes hamfrom between the two women and walks to the front of the freezer case]Everyone just needs to cooooooool out.
[singing] Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and Give up the haaaaaam! Oh yeah!… Give up the haaaaaam! Peace and unity, Give up the haaaaaam! All right!… Give up the haaaaaam! Brother loving brother, Give up the haaaaaam! Oh yeah!… Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and Give up the haaaaaam! [raises ham over head]
[Music continues, and ham combatants hum and sway with the music. Mandressed in suit and tie enters foreground from right]
Narrator: Give up… the ham. Pretty powerful words. I can’t speak for the writer, but maybe this simple piece about a fight over a ham was more about people loving one another in these trying times.
I *do* know this: the writer of this sketch would really like to thank the makers of Rheingold Beer for their generous offer this week. We don’t often get sent free stuff, so when a case of their very fine beer was delivered to the offices, this particular writer took it upon himself to enjoy the smooth taste of each bottle.
Although he pounded the sketch out in ten minutes while drunk off his ass, I don’t think that takes away from the enduring message he’s brough forth tonight. So, yeah: let’s *do*… give up the ham. And thanks, Rheingold.
[Man in suit cocks his head, makes double-gun motion with his hands, and exits. In background, ham combatants hug.]
Queen Latifah: Thank you so much to Ms. Dynamite. The incredible Dan Aykroyd. My mommy, my daddy, my family! The incredible cast! Aaron Winston, Buddy Lang! Shah! Tammy! Lorne! Everyone! This is a lifelong dream! Thank you so much! Y’all have a good time tonight!
[ The street, evening. Tracy rushes to the outside of an apartment, where Kendra is throwing clothes out the window. ]
Tracy: Damn, Kendra! Why you throwin’ my stuff everywhere?
Kendra: I told you, I want you OUT!
Tracy: Come on, baby, let’s talk about this!
Kendra: No! Hell no! Take yo’ crap and GO!
Tracy: [ notices three bystanders behind him ] Folks, do you mind?!
Bystander #1: Not at all.
Bystander #2: Don’t mind us.
Bystander #3: This is exciting!
Tracy: Baby, I love you! Why you treatin’ me like this?
Kendra: You had sex with my MUVV-ah!
[ The bystanders react: “Ohhh — burn!” ]
Tracy: What — I DID NOT!
Kendra: Uh huh! My sister saw you!
[ The bystanders snicker ]
Bystander #2: Busted, dude.
Tracy: I can explain that!
Kendra: I don’t wanna hear it! Just take yo’ stuff! Matter fact, here go yo’ stinky, dirty, skinny draw’s! [ throws out his underwear; the bystanders react in disgust ]
Bystander #2: Aw man, that’s nasty.
Kendra: And here go yo’ cheap-ass cologne! [ chucks the bottle on the ground where it shatters ]
Tracy: Come on, you makin’ me mad, Kendra! You better let me back in there right NOW!
Kendra: Or what? Or you gon’ break down the door? Why, so you can get your MC Hammer pants? [ waves them around ] Can’t touch this, I can’t touch this, I can’t — [ throws them out ]
Tracy: OKAY! I was wrong to yell at you! I realize that now!
Bystander #2: [ picks them up ] God. I’ve never seen MC Hammer pants in person.
Bystander #3: Cool …
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I wore those for Halloween!
Bystander #2: Sure you did.
Kendra: And here go yo’ MC Hammer CDs … [ throws them out ]
Bystander #2: Man … geez …
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] Oh, come on! That first album was pretty good.
Bystander #1: [ picks up a CD ] Yeah … this one’s the Addams Family soundtrack! [ Bystander #2 giggles ]
Kendra: [ tossing out more CDs ] Yeah … and here go yo’ Vanilla Ice, yo’ Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and yo’ Rico Suave!
Tracy: [ to Kendra ] His name was Gerardo!
Kendra: Oh yeah, and don’t forget yo’ Star Wars t-shirts! [ throws them out ]
Tracy: Oh, come on, first of all, those aren’t mine, second of all, those are Deep Space Nine shirts!
Kendra: And here go yo’ purple cape! [ throws it out ]
Bystander #1: You own a purple cape?
Tracy: [ to bystanders] Again, Halloween.
Bystander #1: I thought you were Hammer.
Tracy: I was Super-Hammer. … That’s worse, isn’t it?
Bystanders: Yeah.
Kendra: And here’s your fanny pack … [ tosses it ]
Bystander #2: Aw, man, fanny pack?
Tracy: Agai- it was a GIFT!
Bystander #2: Sure it was.
Tracy: [ to Kendra ] Just CALM DOWN for a second, baby doll!
Kendra: [ huff ] … Don’t you “baby doll” me.
Tracy: Now listen, I know you’re hurtin’, boo. Just listen to me, will you do that, baby, PLEASE? Please?
Kendra: YEAH! Okay.
Tracy: Now … you know I love you, right?
Kendra: … I guess.
Tracy: You know I know you love ME, right?
Kendra: Yeah, I guess.
Tracy: Jus-just think about it. All I did was sleep wit yo’ moms, right?
Kendra: Ooh, son of a BITCH!
Bystander #2: Ehhh, lost her on that one, lost her on that.
Bystander #1: Yeah, not, not good.
Kendra: You take yo’ Garfield phone … [ throws it out ] … and don’t forget this stupid-ass …
Tracy: No!
Kendra: … self-portrait! [ throws out a painting of a green and red face ]
Tracy: No, not the self-portrait! The dude at the Y said I was a natural!
Kendra: And don’t forget this damn snake! [ throws it out; Tracy catches it ]
Tracy: Not King Arthur!
Kendra: You tell yo’ moms to take care of that slimy bastard.
Tracy: [ puts the snake on his shoulders ] Listen, it was a accident, I SWEAR!
Kendra: Oh, save it, cornball!
Tracy: Damn! Come on …
Kendra: Oh, by the way, I found your porno tapes! [ tosses them out ]
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I thought I hid those pretty good.
Bystander #1: Wow.
Bystander #2: Yeah.
[ The bystanders watch as more and more tapes hit the ground ]
Bystander #2: How big is your closet, dude?
Tracy: Now … those aren’t all porn, some of those are karate tapes.
Bystander #2: Yeah, right.
Kendra: [ throwing more items out ] And here is your penile pump … and your penis enlargement pills … and your stay-hard cream!
Tracy: Not — wait, whoa — not only are those not all mine, but those don’t even work!
Bystander #3: I’ll give you fifty cents for that cream. [ hands him two quarters ]
Tracy: Sold. [ takes the quarters; Bystander #3 takes the tube of cream and leaves ]
Kendra: Oh yeah … and don’t forget yo’ punk-ass cousin Kenny! [ tosses a body out the window; Kenny gets up and limps away ]
Tracy: Wait — baby, he’s just crashin’ till his pad is good and ready!
Kendra: He’s been here for six months!
Tracy: I know, baby, you’re right!
Kendra: Oh, and here your stuffed bear go!
Tracy: Wait a minute, I gave you that bear, remember?
Kendra: That was before you had sex with my MUVV-ah!
Tracy: I know. But I only made love to yo’ moms so that I could know how it would feel to make love to you twenty years from now!
Kendra: [ has a change of heart ] … Really?
Bystander #1: She bought that?
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] SHHHH! [ to Kendra ] Yes, really! … You my girl, y’know. I wanna grow old wit’chu.
Kendra: I wanna grow old wit’chu, too.
Tracy: I love you, Kendra.
Kendra: I love you too, daddy. … I’m sorry I threw your clothes on the ground. And all them things for your ding-dong. Will you forgive me?
Tracy: Yeah, yeah, I forgive you.
Kendra: [ smiles ] Well why don’t you come up here and we can make up all proper-like?
[ The two bystanders leave ]
Tracy: What — looks like it’s Hammer Time! [ picks up the purple cape ] Oh yeah! Oh — wait a minute.
Kendra: What’s wrong, what’s wrong?
Tracy: I gotta catch up with that dude with the cream! [ runs away ]
Paula Poundstone…..Rachel Dratch Gilbert Gottfried…..Jimmy Fallon Danny Aiello…..Darrell Hammond Gary Busey…..Jeff Richards Kathy Griffin…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: This Spring on ABC, watch five celebrities – unscripted and uncensored – face off against one another in a gruelling physical challenge.
Paula Poundstone.. Gilbert Gottfried.. Danny Aiello.. Gary Busey.. and Kathy Griffin star in..
[ farting sound effect ]
Gilbert Gottfried: Oh, my goodness!
Announcer: “I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?”
Danny Aiello: What have you been eatin’, Poundstone?!
Paula Poundstone: Come on, you can’t be serious! That was totally Griffin!
Gilbert Gottfried: No! Busey! Busey, I know that was you!
Gary Busey: Trust me, buddy – you’ll know when a Juicy Busey hits ya between the eyes!
[ farting sound effect ]
Gilbert Gottfried: That’s a Juicy Busey, if I ever heard one!
Danny Aiello: It’s a twister!
Announcer: This Spring on ABC. It’s “I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?” Right after “I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out of I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?”
Woman #1…..Maya Rudolph Man #1…..Seth Meyers Woman #2…..Queen Latifah Man #2…..Will Forte Man #3…..Darrell Hammond Man #4…..Horatio Sanz Man #5…..Tracy Morgan Woman #3…..Rachel Dratch
[ open on FOX logo ]
Announcer: Coming soon to FOX..
[ dissolve to group of men and women sitting on a cramped room, all looking toward one another ]
A new show that pushes the limits of reality television. Eight strangers. Thrust together in a single, windowless room. Where trust is a memory, teamwork is a gamble. And a traitor is in their midst.
Woman #1: Well.. this isn’t so bad.
Man #1: Yeah, it’s a little tight in here.. but, not as bad as the subway, right?
Woman #2: Are you from New York?
Man #1: Uh.. yeah. I moved there in-
[ suddenly, a loud fart breaks out ]
[ cut to show logo card ]
Announcer: “Who Farted?” All of them smelt it. But only one of them dealt it.
[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]
Woman #2: Child, that was funky!
Man #2: I-it wasn’t me, it was her!
Woman #1: It was not me!
Man #1: Whoever it was has a medical problem.
Man #3: Come on, own up to it!
Woman #1: If I did, I would! Because I’m comfortable with that!
Man #2: My God! There’s really no way out of here!
[ cut to show logo card ]
Announcer: “Who Farted?” Who knows? Each and every one in the room is under equal suspicion.
[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]
Woman #1: I’m voting for the fat guy.
Woman #2: Second it!
Man #4: Aw, come on! That’s just not fair!
[ cut to graphic “Mind-bending twist” ]
Announcer: With a mind-bending twist you have to see to believe.
[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]
Man #1: Alright, listen, people.. I just think that we ne-
[ everyone begins to gasp over an unheard but noticeable fart ]
Man #5: Oh, my God, it’s another one!
Woman #2: Damn, that’s spicy!
Man #3: But I didn’t hear anything..
Woman #4: [ whispering ] It was silent but deadly..
[ cut to show logo ]
Announcer: This Spring, on FOX: “Who Farted?” He who denied it, supplied it – or did he? [ employs a villianous laugh ]
[ another loud fart breaks out ]
Announcer: Sorry. That was me. Just watch it. It’s on FOX.
A.J…..Dean Edwards Free…..Maya Rudolph Baby K…..Jeff Richards Lady Three…..Queen Richards
AJ: Aye whats up ya’ll AJ here!
Free: And this is Free. Whats crackalackin’ my homies?
AJ: Ayooo! Today we got one of the hottest new artists on the scene here at 106 and Park, this cat is hot!
Free: Straight Up! This little dude is crumptastic. Ya Feel Me?
AJ: Word! My man is half man – half amazing. He’s unstoppable, and hes only 18 months old!
Free: Before we take him out here – let’s take a look at his latest joint, Baby K everyone.
(Baby K music video comes on)
AJ: Ayoo! Man, joining us now is the hottest MC out there three feet of heat! Baby K with his producer, mix master, and nanny, Lady Three! Whats Up K?
Baby K: It’s your favorite baby y’all.
Free: Yo K, I gotta say, on that track you really did the damn thing. What was it like shooting that joint?
Baby K: First I cried because the music was too high, but then I got a sucking candy. HOLLAAA!
AJ: Yo for real, now K we got your producer over there with us too, Lady Three, how you doin over there?
Lady Three: Holdin’ it down son, holdin’ it down dun dun.
Free: I feel that. Where’d you find K at anyway?
Lady Three: Well.. first of all I think we can all agree that the only thing that can take this rap game to the next level is a foul-mouthed 18 month old baby.
A.J. & Free: True, true.
Lady Three: Yeh, so what I did was I did a nationwide talent search. I auditioned mad babies, I mean down with the babies and it was all “basuda”, ya no what I’m sayin? Garbage! So I stole one from the daycare center.
Baby K: Word up!
Lady Three: Yo the boy got a natural flow too. This kid is a genius – Ayoo K show them what we’ve been workin on.
Baby K: Gimme a beat, “I’m potty trained, I’m potty potty trained, I’m potty trained, I’m potty potty trained. Check my open diaper cause it’s motha f’in cleannn.”
Lady Three: Hahaha! Holla! Holla!
Free: That’s hot!
AJ: Yo Baby K, you mackin’, you must have all the chicken heads comin after you.
Free: Yehh, yehhh!
Baby K: What do you mean? Chicken elmo?
Lady Three: Ooh yeh yeh! He likes that chicken dance elmo. That’s a nature rider, I mean he got his pick of the chicken dance elmos in any town.
A.J. & Free: Hahaha! Wordd word!
Lady Three: See busty busty, when we rollin’ up to a club, it’s stopped. We got a case of Pedialyte on ice, little bently strollin on dubs, ya no what I mean? Dixie cup full o’ Cheerios. Ya no what I mean, big baller stuff, buck wildin’ pro fillin’, ya herd me?
Baby K: I’m going night night.
Free: Awhhhhhh he’s going to sleep now??
Lady Three: Yeh he does that.
AJ: Yo a brotha dont even care!
Lady Three: Yeh cause he’s a baby.
Baby K: Hiiii!
Free: Awhh, did you take a little nap K?
Baby K: I dont know
Free: So what’s next with Baby K? Where ya’ll headed?
Lady Three: Well welll, on a serious tip – Were doing a benefit next week cause we gotta find a cure for diaper rash.
Baby K: It’s a silent killer ya’ll!
Lady Three: He lost two of his partners with diaper rash.
Baby K: This is for my homies who, who got the rash. (Tips over his bottle of milk and lets milk fall to the floor)
Lady Three: Alright, alright, that’s enough. Look, look, look we also plannin’ a clothing line but were gunna hold off on that ’till he stop poopin’ on himself.
AJ: YO! I thought he was potty trained!!!
Baby K: Well I still make mistakes sometimes.
AJ: me too
Lady Three: But uhh, but, we really focussin’ on is the new album.
AJ: Right, right.. POTTY TIME!
Free: And now there gunna hit us with a new track off the new joint. Ya hear me?
AJ: No doubt! Pop your collars! Show your love for Baby K!
Free: Featuring Lady Free from there new joint – POTTY TIME – throw your rollies in the sky ladiess!
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on ticking stopwatch ]
Announcer: Tonight on “60 Minutes”, the return of Point/Counterpoint. Here to debate the impending war in Iraq, are former President Bill Clinton.. and Senator Bob Dole.
[ dissolve to Bill Clinton and Bob Dole seated opposite one another in studio ]
Bill Clinton: Bob. How did our diplomatic strategy on Iraq.. fall apart so badly.. so fast. In little over tow years.. this administration has squandered every foreign policy achievement of the 90’s, and, through its arrogant, unilateral approach, has succeeded only in provoking our enemies, and alienating our friends. Not a day goes by that I don’t get a phone call from some head of state who’ll ask me, “What the hell is going on in your country? When you were president, the economy was moving, the world was at peace, America as admired and respected throughout the world.. can’t you do something?” And I’ll tell them, that, while I appreciate their kind words and share some of their concerns, I feel that it would be inappropriate for me to undermine President Bush by publicly criticizing him. And they’ll say, “But you were so great to work with as President.. you were so visionary, so well-informed.. can’t you run again in 2004?” [ laughs heartily, holds up thumb and bites lips ] And, again, I thank them, but point out that I served my two terms, and I feel I should give others the chance. And they’ll say, “But you’re still so young! In 2004, you’ll only be 58.. and that’s younger than most presidents are in their first term.” And I’ll just say, “Well, that’s true, and the Constitution does permit me to run for a third non-consecutive term – or, it ought to. But, right now, 2004 is the furthest thing from my mind.” “Bill, please consider it,” they’ll say, “because, God, we need you. The world needs you.” And, of course, I thank Tony Blair, or Jacques Chirac, or Mr. Putin, or Pervez Mussharraf, or Kofi Annan or Jean Chretien, or Jiang Zemin, or whoever it is! Nelson Mandela calls a lot. He’s a fan. It’s all very flattering, and it’s all very sweet. But, the fact is, I’m enjoying my retirement from public life, and I’m just a private citizen who wants to support President Bush in any way I can. and the best advice I can give him right now is to go back to the United Nations, let the inspectors do their jobs, keep the pressure on, and work with our allies in France, Germany, and Russia.
Bob Dole: [ clears throat ] Bill.. you ignorant slut. [ audience erupts in applause ] Saddam Hussein is a boil that needs to be lanced, and we’re gonna lance it! So why don’t you and little European pal just run along and have a garden party! Eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off, and watercress salad for dessert! Put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolick on the lawn! Throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality! And if you just step aside and let us – the British, the Spanish, and Australians – take care of business! While I’ve got you, here’s another thing: Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Libby! She’s a senator now! She doesn’t have to take that kind of guff she’s been getting from your old lady! Next time she comes home to in tears because Hillary’s made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or.. she’s rolling her eyes at my wife in a committee hearing, I’m gonna jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule! Don’t think the Secret Service or Capitol police can protect her! ‘Cause I know how to get the drop on her! I know every secret passageway, trap door and revolving bookcase in that building! sooner or later, I’ll get her alone! and, when I do, I’ll kick her hippie behind like it’s never been kicked! And by the way, I don’t want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes! I’m not ashamed of my commercial endorsements! I have a family to provide for, and.. I didn’t have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses! The no-show job at Dreamworks! Or the $10 million advance on a book! Bob Dole didn’t have those things! Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you’ve written one page of that book, Bill Clinton! You can’t! Because you haven’t written Word One! Because you are what you’ve always been: an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator! Full of pointy-headed Oxford-bred socialism! Who would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao and Ho Chi Minh!
Announcer: This has been Point/Counterpoint. And now, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
106 & Park Top 10 Live Baby K (Jeff Richards) and manager/nanny (Latifah) demonstrate new rap. Recurring Characters: Baby K.
Live! with Regis & Kelly Frenchie Davis (Latifah) joshes with Regis (Darrell Hammond) & Kelly (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman.
Who Farted? Contestants confined to cramped room seek the answer.
Where Are They Now? The Cherylettes (Latifah, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler) are remembered.
I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted? Celebrities confined in cramped room seek the answer. Recurring Characters: Gary Busey, Gilbert Gottfried, Paula Poundstone.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (Horatio Sanz) doesn’t like his news photo. Dustin Hoffman (Jeff Richards) says New York hosts Weekend Update. Trevor the Broadway Guy (Chris Parnell) is sad about show closures.
Ms. Dynamite performs “Dy-na-mi-tee”
Give Up The Ham Drunken writer’s sketch may or may not have intended world peace analogy.
TV Funhouse The X-Presidents cast new pro-war propaganda film.
Profiles In Jazz Alberta Jones (Latifah) sang outwardly-obvious suggestive lyrics. Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Louis Armstrong.
Walgreens Friendly service of family-owned store is not the blessing intended.
Mr. Rogers Tribute Horatio Sanz sings “You Are My Friend” in remembrance.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Christina Aguilera…..Maya Rudolph …..Steve Martin …..Will Ferrell …..Britney Spears
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Well, this week the mind-blowing conclusion of “Joe Millionaire” that Fox promised turned out to be nothing more than a monetary prize. This was not nearly as exciting as the rumoured surprised twist that Evan Marriott is really a shaved ape.
NBC will launch a new reality series this Spring called “Who Wants To Marry My Mom?” Not to be outdone, Fox has announced plans for a new show called “Vagina Auction.”
Tina Fey: Well, the awesome, super effective office of Homeland Security unveiled a major, new advertising campaign this week designed to help the public prepare for possible terror attacks. Now we have a couple of the print ads here, so let’s take a look at them in advance.
Now this first one is just a general statement to be placed on billboards. (Holds up a picture of the devil with the warning: DON’T RELAX) That’s just to help everybody out on what you should do. This next one I think is for New York City subways. (A sign saying DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING WEIRD?) Do you smell something weird? You better hope its pee!! This next one is to tell people of places they might want to avoid. For example (A sign of Osama Bin Laden walking around the city), avoid the outdoors, there’s bad guys everywhere. Also, avoid the indoors (a picture of a family with Osama Bin Laden looking in though the window), see a nice family with Osama Bin Laden looking through the window. This one is going up in elementary school (a picture of a skull that says, WE’RE GONNA GET YOU) to help the kids to deal with what’s going on. And finally this last one tells you exactly what to do at each level of terror alert (picture of a man screaming that says, AAAGH, AAAGH!!) So thank you office of homeland security. They’re working over time to help you crap your pants. Back to you Jimmy!!
A group of wealthy democratic donors are trying to start a liberal radio network which would feature 14 hours of daily commentary. The only question that remains is, can Phil Donahue talk for 14 consecutive hours? Yes, yes he can.
Tina Fey: This Sunday, CBS will air the 45th Annual Grammy Awards held right here in New York City. Here with her thoughts is former Grammy winner, Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Hey Jimmy, hi Tina. Wassup, how you feeling?
Tina Fey: We feel great. Now what about you? Your album didn’t come out in time to be nominated so how does that make you feel?
Christina Aguilera: Oh, you know its just, (laughs) I don’t know I feel like [ sining ] “Noooooooooo, oh oh oh no..”
Tina Fey: So is that good or bad?
Christina Aguilera: Come on Tina boo. You know how we do. Its just like my momma used to say to me, she’d be all like: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, oh ”
Tina Fey: I don’t know what that means.
Christina Aguilera: Tina girl, I’m an artist. You know? It’s like whatever you know, I’m like nobody’s puppet or muppet, and you know as far as the Grammy’s go I just feel like: “Maoooooooooooohhhhhh.. ahhhhh, ah , ah ah ”
Jimmy Fallon: Hang on Tina I think I understood that. She’s saying she is going to watch the awards this year
( Christina begins singing as Jimmy translates)
Jimmy Fallon: From her house
(Christina continues singing)
Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile of Orlando Magic basketball players
(Christina continues to sing, reaching higher notes than before)
Jimmy Fallon: She also says that she heard all the jokes you’ve been telling about her
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: You’d better watch your back
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: Biotch!!
Tina Fey: Christina Aguilera everybody!!
Well according to friends of Billy Joel, the piano man’s new 25 year old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexis. If Freud were alive today and was asked to comment on this, I’m sure he’d say, I’m the father of modern psycho-analysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st Century, and your asking me about Billy Joel’s girlfriend?
According to new agricultural guidelines, farmers in Colorado will now be allowed to grow genetically modified corn. Genetically modified corn is the same as regular corn except that when you bite into it, it screams.
(Steve Martin walks into the screen)
Tina Fey: Hi Steve. What are you doing here?
Steve Martin: I’m doing a cameo.
Tina Fey: Oh, ok. Just doing a cameo huh?
Steve Martin: Yeah, I was just at home in bed, and I thought, “I’d like to do a cameo.”
Jimmy Fallon (quietly) So, what’s he doing?
Tina Fey: (quietly) He say’s he’s doing a cameo.
Jimmy Fallon: Steve, do you wanna tell a joke or something?
Steve Martin: Oh, no. Just doing a cameo. And I think its going well.
Tina Fey: Uh, how long is your cameo?
Steve Martin: Just regular cameo length. Just a few more seconds and there we go.
Tina Fey: Oh, alright. Well, great work, that was a really great cameo.
Steve Martin: You think? (Gives thumbs up, and then leaves)
Tina Fey: Steve Martin everybody.
Mike Tyson surprised sports fans this week, with a new tattoo on his face. But before you judge Mike Tyson’s new tattoo, wait until its finished so you can see the entire rape scene.
Next week is the eating disorders awareness week – fatsos!
The Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders announced this week that they will be holding tryouts across the country to find new stars for their squad. Hmm lets see (pulls out a notepad, begins writing) I’ll need dancing lessons, yes, yes $4000 for a boob job, and some duct tape to hide my penis yes, yes Tina Fey, this plan might work
Tina Fey: In other news, rumours are circulating in England of a possible Spice Girls reunion (gets cut off by Jimmy)
Jimmy Fallon: Oh wow!! Thank god, I can finally end my hunger strike. (Jimmy pulls out a huge burger and begins to eat it)
Tina Fey: Eat it!! All of it (Jimmy continues to eat, then stops to laugh) Eat it all!! (Jimmy begins eating again) That’s like 8 hours old, by the way. Alright now a good friend of ours here at SNL (to Jimmy) are you alright?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah
Tina Fey: (back on track) A good friend of ours here at SNL left the show last year and none of us has seen him since. There has been an air of mystery of what he’s been up to, here to talk about it, is our own, beloved Will Ferrell!!
Will Ferrell: Hi Tina, hi Jimmy!! Ah, sorry I haven’t kept in touch the truth of the matter is, I quit the biz.
Tina Fey: You quit show business??
Will Ferrell: That’s right Tina, I quit. Got myself a little place up in little Sonoma . Not too big. I do some farming, raise some organic chickens, make my payments, and hang out with my special lady.
Tina Fey: well, that sounds pretty nice actually.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, it was my girlfriend’s idea. I guess she was tired of show business too, and suggested you know what? What am I doing? I should let her tell the story. Ah, Britney, you wanna My new lady Britney Spears everybody!! (Britney comes and sits next to Will) Oops oops oops, I did it again. I fell in love with Miss Britney Spears!
Britney Spears: Will, your embarrassing me.
Will Ferrell: I’m sorry, I’m sorry I guess love makes me do crazy things.
Jimmy Fallon: So its not Colin Farrell, its Will Ferrell?
Britney Spears: I think we’re a little past the dating, Jimmy.
Will Ferrell: Yes, I little past dating. (laughs)
Britney Spears: Yes, yes.
Tina Fey: Now Britney, there’s been a lot of crazy rumours about you in the tabloids lately. I read yesterday that your running a Columbian drug car tail, or what are you doing
Britney Spears: I mean, these tabloids are ridiculous really. They follow you around, they take your picture, they rat on every move you make. You know what its like, Tina
Tina Fey: No, no I don’t know
Will Ferrell: Listen to me paparazzi! You stay away from my Britney!!
Britney Spears: Now, come on you guys, you can’t believe these tabloids. The truth is, I’m living on a farm in Northern California with Will, Will Ferrell here, and I love him so much, he’s so funny yes, so funny. Oh, yesterday we were in the barn, and
Will Ferrell: Oh yes, you’ve gotta listen. This is great, tell it, tell it!!
Britney Spears: Okay, and our cows walking right? Now this poor cow, he’s so sick, I mean, me and Will, we know nothing about farming.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, we’re horrible farmers. All our animals are sick. All of them
Britney Spears: Yeah, all of them. So I say, ‘ maybe we should try and milk her’ right? So Will says, ‘maybe I should try and milk you.’
(Britney and Will both start giggling)
Will Ferrell: Yeah, I did!! I said that!! I can be pretty crazy
Jimmy Fallon: Will, Will!! I thought you were married
Will Ferrell: Jimmy, look who it is!! It’s Britney Spears!!
Britney Spears: Jimmy, if only you could know how much I love this man, like
Will Ferrell: I’m gonna cry!!
Britney Spears: Don’t cry!!
Will Ferrell: I am gonna cry!! (Britney continually tells him not to cry, and he keeps telling her he’s going to cry)
Tina Fey: Gross!! I mean, great!! Will Ferrell and Britney Spears everyone!!
Will Ferrell: Buy our dairy foods!!
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Jimmy is about the throw the pencil, but a karate man comes breaks it in half with his hand)
Air Date:
