Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Life Raft

Raft Voter…..Will Forte
Mr. Tyus…..Christopher Walken
Liam Cook…..Fred Armisen
Gary the Passenger…..Seth Meyers

[Open on a videotaped shot of the ocean with the super: “Somewhere In The Atlantic” at the bottom. Fade in on four men sitting miserably in an orange life raft. One of the men, The Raft Voter, stands up]

Raft Voter: Well, gentlemen, dawn is upon us, and it looks like we’re all here. Last night, we decided we needed to elect a raft captain, and all three of you threw your hats into the ring. As the sole voter, I asked you to prepare some speeches. Mr. Tyus, you’re first.

Mr. Tyus: [ stands up ] Good morning, it’s good to be here. I suppose I should start by addressing what’s.. surely on all your minds: my record as a captain. I realize you probably know me best as the captain who sunk our ship.. and brought about this regrettable situation. I can see now that it was foolish.. to take a shortcut.. through.. Iceberg Alley when it was only going to shave 10.. 15 minutes off our three-week trip. I can also admit that it was a mistake to use all the flares from this lifeboat.. to light my farts. I was trying to improve.. raft morale, but only succeeded in causing some.. [flubs saying “pretty serious”] prettious serious.. burn scars. Also, in regards to the past two nights, I’d like to apologize for the gay stuff.

Raft Voter: Alright. A lot of very compelling points. Thank you for that honesty. Our next candidate for Raft Captain is our cook, Leo.

Cook: Hello. Thank you. You all know that I’ve been saying for days that we should fashion some sort of sail out of our clothes.

Mr. Tyus: Oh, come on! Get this joker outta here!

Raft Voter: I’m sorry, Mr. Tias, your-

Mr. Tyus: The cook doesn’t know what he’s talking about – he’s a cook!

Raft Voter: I-I’m sorry.. Mr. Tias, please..

Mr. Tyus: [ nastily ] Fine!

Raft Voter: Okay. Continue, Leo.

Cook: Well.. you don’t need to be a cook to know that our food situation is dire. We need to ration our food! There has been no reason to throw our food in the water as bait, when we have no means to catch the fish.

Mr. Tyus: We all know that now! It’s easy to say that now!

Cook: [ sighs ] Vote for me, and I promise to make a concerted effort to-

Mr. Tyus: [sarcastically] L-likely story! That’s crap! Boo!

Cook: I didn’t even say anything!

Mr. Tyus: Look! If I could jump in here.. I know everyone’s still upset that, on my lookout shift, I didn’t try to flag down that Carnival cruise line. But.. I swear, from a distance, I could have sworn it was a pirate ship! They were playing music.. having a good time.. you know, “pirate” stuff!

Passenger: We’re all pretty familiar with pirate stu —

Mr. Tyus: Hey! It’s not your turn! Who’s running this.. thing?

Raft Voter: I am. And, actually, it is his turn.

Passenger: Great. Look, I’ll be brief. I think we can all agree that we have a problem on this raft. A problem that slathers on sunblock as if it’s in limitless supply! A problem that sings songs [Mr. Tyus rubs an oar past the Passenger’s chest as he talks. The Passenger shoves it away from him] without knowing any of the lyrics. A problem that urinates and defecates in the boat, as opposed to into the water! [ swats away at the oar Mr. Tyus is purposely rubbing past his chest again ] STOP IT!!

Mr. Tyus: [ innocently ] What?!! I’m paddling!

Cook: It’s not even touching the water!

Mr. Tyus: Oh! I know what this is all about. Fine! I’m sorry I threw the.. the oar at that bird! It seemed so close! [stands up and swings the oar around] These.. birds.. are like.. flying optical illusions! Oh, cripes! There’s a bird! [ throws the oar into the water ] Look at that.. not even close.

Passenger: [to Cook] There goes our last oar.

Mr. Tyus: Look at that.. not even close.

Passenger: Yeah, that was our last oar.

Mr. Tyus: [ a beat, alarmed ] There’s no stopping the BIRD ATTACKS now!!

Passenger: [ stands up, says quickly ] In closing, I would just like to say that I don’t think this guy should be Captain any more!

Mr. Tyus: You know.. this is hardly fair! Gary’s biased! He’s had it in for me since the minute I tried to eat ‘im! You’ve got a long memory, my friend!

Cook: That was two days ago.

Mr. Tyus: No hard feelings on this end, pal! That’s what happens on a cocaine high! But.. I’m outta cocaine, people. That’s not gonna be a problem any more!

Raft Voter: Duly noted.

Mr. Tyus: And, again.. if this is about the recent gay stuff.. I’m working on that!

Raft Voter: Okay. If you’re done, Mr. Tias, it’s time to vote.

Mr. Tyus: You know.. I got one last thing I’d like to say: I’m worried.. that you don’t know how much I.. want this. Sure, I made mistakes.. but I go for it! I really go for it! And, if I don’t get this.. I’m gonna go crazy!! Really berserk!!

Passenger: So, just to clarify, you haven’t gone crazy yet.

Mr. Tyus: [ outraged ] What’d you say.. lunch?!

[ Passenger tries to escape by going overboard, but Mr. Tyus lunges for him and bites his back ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Pranksters

Zack Ricky…..Seth Meyers
Danny Einhorn…..Chris Kattan
Sister…..Maya Rudolph
Larry Hobson…..Christopher Walken
Phil…..Chris Parnell

Zack Ricky: Hey, everybody, it’s me, Zack Ricky! And you’re watching “Pranksters”!

[ cut to show jingle, which features a montage of Zack Ricky playing pranks: putting whoopie cushion under chair, setting up bucket of water over door jamb, etc. ]

Jingle:
When your back is turned
Here comes a prank!
You’re gonna get burned
Here comes a prank!

When the worm is turned
Your lesson will be learned!
You’re watching “Pranksters”!”

[ dissolve to zany show set ]

Zack Ricky: Welcome to “Pranksters!”

[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Yeah! We have another totally awseome episode for you today! Totally awesome if you’re cool, that is! If your some Stiffly Stifferson, who has a prank coming your way, you might not be as psyched! But enough chit-chat! Let’s bring out our first Prankster – Danny Einhorn!

[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ]

[ Danny, in bleached blonde hair and baggy clothes, enters set ]

Danny Einhorn: Hey hey, what’s up!

Zack Ricky: Hey!

Danny Einhorn: It’s so great to be here! I love the show!

Zack Ricky: Well, it’s always great to meet another prankster! Tell us a little bit about your target!

[ cue bow-and-arrow sound effect, trumped by bullwhip crack sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Great sound effects! Ted the Sound Effects guy!

Danny Einhorn: [ excited to tell his story ] Well! Some have called her a queen-sized Stiffly Stifferson, but I call her.. “my sister”!

[ cue foghorn sound effect ]

Danny Einhorn: [ giggles ]

Zack Ricky: Well, thanks to our patented Prankster Hidden Camera, we can see exactly what went down!

[ dissolve to Danny’s sister’s room, where he has entered and invaded during her absence; Danny holds a rubber rat up before the hidden camera ]

Danny Einhorn V/O: The thing about my sister is – she hates.. rats!

Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look like Sis might be in some trouble!

Danny Einhorn V/O: Hah hah ha! You bet! It was Prom night.. so I was pretty sure Sis would be making a move for some jewelry.. ha ha! And, sure enough..

[ on video, Danny hides the rubber rat in Sister’s jewelry box, then hides in the closet; soon, Sister enters room ]

Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look out, Sis!

Danny Einhorn: Ha ha! I know!

[ on video, Sister opens her jewelry box, discovering the rubber rat and reacting thusly ]

Sister (on video): Aaaggghhhhh!!!! Danny!!

[ on video, Danny come running out of the closet, as Sister comes after him; Danny gives the thumbs-up to the hidden camera, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ]

[ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]

Zack Ricky V/O: Whammy, blammy, yowee-zowee! You’ve just been pranked!

[ cue bricks falling sound effect ]

Danny Einhorn: Got ‘er!! [ laughs ]

Zack Ricky: Thanks for stopping by, Danny! And, to all you sisters out there: Never yank a prankster!

[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Well, let’s bring out our next Prankster – Larry Hobson!

[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ]

[ Larry, a grown man, enters set ]

Larry Hobson: Thanks, Zack! I’m a huge fan! I’m such a huge fan! Huge!

Zack Ricky: Thank you, Larry. You know, I’m gonna come right out and say it: you’re a lot older than most of our Pranksters.

Larry Hobson: Well.. I like to think all Pranksters are young at heart.

Zack Ricky: All right! Sounds good! Now, tell us about your target!

[ cue bow-and-arrow sound effect ]

Larry Hobson: This guy.. I’ll tell ya.. he was a Stiffy Stifferson like you wouldn’t believe, his name is Phil.. and he always takes my parking space at work.

Zack Ricky: [ speaking to the camera ] I’m getting the feeling you probably shouldn’t have done that, Phil!

Larry Hobson: [ trying to stifle his laughter ] I think.. he probably.. agrees with you, now! [ laughs ]

[ cue foghorn sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Well, let’s not waste any time! Prankster Hidden Camera, go!

[ dissolve to video of employee prking lot, as Larry enters frame by Phil’s car, smiles at the hidden camera, then hides behind Phil’s car ]

Larry Hobson V/O: Okay! This.. is from.. last Friday. I sneaked down early, and hid behind Phil’s car.

Zack Ricky V/O: Looks like you’d better brace yourself, Phil!

[ on video, Phil enters frame, grinning smugly as he fishes his keys from his pocket and opens the driver’s-side door ]

Larry Hobson V/O: Look.. how proud he looks with his parking spot!

Zack Ricky V/O: [ anticipating a great prank ] I can’t wait for him to get it!

[ on video, Larry jumps out from behind Phil’s car, and proceeds to smash Phil’s backside with a rusty tire iron, until Phil’s lifeless body slumps onto the pavement; still clutching the tire iron with his right hand, Larry jumps in front of the hidden camera and displays a victory thumbs-up with his left hand, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ]

[ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]

Larry Hobson: [ laughing uproariously ]

Zack Ricky: [ stunned by the freakish turn of events ] Wha-wha-what happened?

Larry Hobson: I jumped out and pranked him! To death with a tire iron!

[ cue buggy horn sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: What?!

Larry Hobson: [ fighting the tears from laughing so hard ] Yeah! You shoulda seen the look.. on his face! Classic!

[ cue splatting sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: [ appalled ] Hold on.. I-I-I-I don’t understand..

Larry Hobson: What’s not to understand?! He was a Stiffly Stifferson.. so I stuck it to ‘im! Whammy!! Whammy, wowee, zowee! You just been.. pranked!

[ cue sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Can we, uh.. can we cut the sound effects, Ted? Please?

Larry Hobson: He.. he had it coming, Zack! He yanked the Prankster! Right, Ted?

[ cue sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: Ted, I’m serious! Cut off the sound effects! Larry, is this some sort of prank you’re playing on me?

Larry Hobson: [ flabbergasted ] Prank you?! Why, I-I-I-I’d never prank you.. you’re my hero!

[ cue sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: [ annoyed ] Ted! Come on! now, a man has died here!

[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]

Larry Hobson: You’re being a Stiffly Stifferson, Zack..

Zack Ricky: No! No, no, no, no, no! I’m not being one..

Larry Hobson: Good. Because I hate Stiffly Stiffersons. I wanna prank them for hours.. in my basement.

Zack Ricky: Well, then.. obviously.. this has been a particularly sad episode of “Pranksters”..

[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]

Zack Ricky: [ more annoyed ] Ted, you and I are gonna have to have a conversation, alright?! [ glumly, to the camera ] So.. we’ll see you next week.. on “Pranskters”.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

…..Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

[ audience applauds wildly ]

You know.. this is..

[ audience seems unable to stop applauding; it’s Christopher Walken, after all ]

You know.. this is the part of the show.. where you can be.. yourself.. and do whatever you want. Hit it!

[ the SNL Band strikes up a tune behind Walken, as he sings and dances for the audience’s delight ]

[singing, and dancing ]
“I know why I waited
Know why I’ve been blue.
Prayed each night for someone
Exactly like you!

Why should we spend money
on a show or two?
No one does those love scenes
exactly like you!

Now, I know my mother
taught me to be true
She meant me for someone
exactly like you!”

[ stops singing, returns to his speech ]

You see.. we tried.. all week..

[ audience explodes with applause ]

All week, we tried to think of something to do at the top of the show, and couldn’t. Then, I thought.. I’ve done the show six times, just.. get it over with! I can do crazy mix-em-ups. Whatever I want! I can tap dance.

[ moves his feet rapidly, in an effort to keep up with the tap-dancing sound effects ]

And then I remembered.. what always works: Girls!!

[ Las Vegas-style showgirls surround Walken and dance, as he continues his song ]

“I know my mother
taught me to be true
She meant me for someone
exactly like you!”

[ to the showgirls ] Thank you, and you.. [ faces the audience ] We got a great show for you. Foo Fighters are here. So.. stick around.. we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Douglas Feith…..Chris Parnell
Dominique de Villepen…..Christopher Walken

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! In the last week, millions of Americans have gathered together to protest the impending war with Iraq! Listen, protestors, I got news for ya: Bush is ignoring France, Germany, China and Russia; he’s definitely not gonna listen to some white kid with dreadlocks banging on his frat buddy’s bongo drum! Can anything stop this red, white and blue freight train, or is Baghdad about to have more craters than Edward Jame Olmos’ face? With us today, one of the honkiest honks around, a guy who puts the “Grr!” in “warmonger”; Undersecretary of Defense, Douglas Feith.

Douglas Feith: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Shut it! Also joining us, the man whose anti-war stance has given Bush more trouble than the People Magazine crossword puzzle, French Foreign Minister, Dominique de Villepen.

Dominique de Villepen: Allo.. Messieur Matthew.

Chris Matthews: That was fine! You people in the State Department are hell-bent on attacking Saddam! I haven’t seen a group of people this crazy for blood, since the Cobra Kai chased Daniel-san out of the Halloween dance in “The Karate Kid”!

Douglas Feith: [ confused ] What?

Chris Matthews: Answer the question!

Douglas Feith: [ needlessly arguing with Chris ] You didn’t ask me a question!

Chris Matthews: Answer it!

Douglas Feith: [ sighs ] Chris, we find it apalling how Saddam Hussein is ignoring the United Nations! He has ignored the United Nations for almost fifteen years! America only wants to ignore the United Nations for seven to ten days. Then, we’ll go right back to pretending we care what they say.

Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head ] I’m gonna assume you know that that’s stupid, and I’m gonna move on. Inspector Clouseau! Your thoughts!

Dominique de Villepen: Chris.. France does not oppose this war because we are pro-Iraq.. we oppose it because we are anti-America! I mean.. let’s face it.. you guys are ridiculous. You are loud..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Dominique de Villepen: ..greedy..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Dominique de Villepen: ..bloodthirsty..

Chris Matthews: Check!

Dominique de Villepen: ..boorish..

Chris Matthews: Uh-huh!

Dominique de Villepen: You’re a bunch of fat.. oil-guzzling, ham-faces!

Chris Matthews: That’s big talk from a country whose only contributions to world culture in the last 50 years are Gerard Depardieu and that horny skunk!

Dominique de Villepen: [ insulted ] Pepe le Pew! Eh? What about him?

Douglas Feith: Uh.. uh.. Chris! Can I say something? Uh.. many people are, uh.. accusing this administration of warmongering! The fact is, military conflict was not our first option; it was simply the only one we considered. Uh.. I mean.. we would have loved to have solved this peacefully, but you know as well as I do, that simply would not have been any fun.

Chris Matthews: Man, oh man! There’s more testosterone in the Pentagon right now than in Mike Tyson’s urine! Jacques Cousteau! Will France ever support military action?

Dominique de Villepen: Certanly. The truth.. of the matter.. we don’t wish to prevent war. We hate Saddam. But.. we know how much Bush wants war.. so we.. want to make it as hard as possible.. just to be, how you say.. “douchebag”.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Wow! I gotta say, Tin-Tin, I like your style! Douglas Feith! North Korea, by all accounts, poses a larger threat! Why go after Iraq first?!

Douglas Feith: Well, I think it’s pretty logical, Chris. We’re doing it alphabetically.

Chris Matthews: Uh-huh..

Douglas Feith: Afghanistan.. Iraq.. North Korea.. next will be Puerto Rico.. then, Sweden. We’re hoping to finish up with Zimbabwe by 2006.

Chris Matthews: I want to try something. Hey, Feith! How would you fix the American economy?

Douglas Feith: I’d bomb it.

Chris Matthews: How about education?

Douglas Feith: Blow it up.

Chris Matthews: What would you do if a deli screwed up your lunch order!

Douglas Feith: Assassinate him.

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s what I thought! Ha ha! Francie! Anything left to add!

Dominique de Villepen: I hate you. I’m bored.

Chris Matthews: [ singing ] “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, shut your hole!” When we come back, Douglas Feith’s gonna explain why we should invade Wisconsin! and then, you’re gonna hear French Ambassador Dominique de Villepen say..

Dominique de Villepen: “Live.. from New York.. it’s.. Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Goodnights

…..Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken: Thanks.. to the Foo Fighters.. Will Ferrell.. [ audience explodes with applause ] Steve Martin.. Steve Martin! Britney Spears.. and Jim Carrey!

[ Walken looks around for Jim Carrey, who’s lingering near Steve Martin in the sea of talent behind him ]

Where is he?

[ Walken finally finds Jim Carrey, and they hug ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, ringing the doorbell ]

The Continental: [ opens the door ] Ouch! You must be the fashion model.. who answered my ad in the Penny Saver. Welcome to my abode.. come in.. please. [ the camera enters the apartment, as the Continnetal stares ] Wow! You would.. you would make a beautiful spokesperson.. for my new line.. of cosmetic. Please, sit.. Sit, please. Please.. sit. [ sits next to the Continental, looking at him cautiously ] Normally, I would offer you.. vintage Champagna.. and cavier. But.. I have grown impatient with the French. Ever since the Froggy stabbed Colin Powell in the back.. I eschew all things French.. no more! Camembert.. fois gras.. eau de cologne.. Frenchie, from “American Idol”.. and, big surprise to me.. champagna! Who knew! That’s the only place champagna come from! But.. my word is my bond.. it is done. Instead.. I offer you. effervescent.. Andre’s Cold Duck. [ camera shakes head no ] No? Ah. Then.. let me offer you.. a nosh. I must confess.. without the frogs, my cuisine – excuse me, “food” – has suffered.. but.. what have we here? [ holds out tray of vending machine snacks ] Bugles.. with cream cheese. We got.. ants-on-a-log – hello! Combos.. they cheese your hunger away! Enjoy! While I freshen up..

[ The Continental exits the front room, as the camera looks about the room. Camera focuses on a row of books on a shelf, pulls one out and opens it, as if to read, discovering instead a copy of Snoop Dogg’s “Doggy-Style” edition of “Girls Gone Wild”. Camera pans right to find the Contnental has returned, pleased with the video discovery ]

I cannot help but notice.. you admire my video collection! Snoop! You gotta love the guy.. he knows how to spend his money, huh! Do you enjoy some spice.. in your video life? What you see here.. is the tip.. of the iceberg. The rest is concealed away. Would you like to take a peek? Maybe.. we could make a movie together. [ camera shakes head no ] I toy with you. Hey! I got toys, too! I gotta camera.. I got the whole schmear! No? [ camera flees for the door, intercepted as usual by the overzealous Continental ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! You.. are fast! Sit, please. You are too.. [ kisses woman’s outstretched hand ] ..exquisite.. to leave so soon, you.. wof.. my arctic hush puppy! Let me show you my line.. of homemade products.. you will model. No animals used.. lip gloss.. hmm? Try some. [ dips finger in gooey lip gloss, holds it in front of camera’s “mouth”, then quickly retrieves it after being “bitten” ] Owww!!! If that was love bite.. then, you must love me a lot! Look at this.. you broke the skin! Bad vixen! You naughty cougar! I forgive you.. but.. you must kiss it! Come on, tiger! Kiss it! You must kiss it.. [ holds his hurt finger in front of camera ] Come on, come on, come on.. make it better! [ points his finger seductively down to his crotch; the camera agains flees for the door, but The Continental once again blocks the path ]

Forgive me, please.. my passions overtook me. I forgot myself, and let the little head think for the big one. What can I say? I’m a guy! [ laughs ] Okay! Forget lip gloss.. it stinks.. it’s junk.. ptooie! [ spits ] Focus on hand cream.. it’s the shiznit. [ kisses woman’s hand, then leads the way to his wondrous hand cream ] Come! Let me show you the engine that powers my light. Come! I beseech you! Behold! [ holds up what looks to have been a food jar of some kind ] Behold.. Continental hand cream. Good.. huh? I package it myself.. also, guess what? Once upon a time, this was Vlasic pickle jar.. the lable comes off.. in the dishwasher. Wowee! [ laughs ] You know.. beauty.. it’s so important.. especially in these dark times.. because.. without beauty, the terrorists.. will have truly won. Can.. can you step closer, please? Little closer. [ camera moves closer, as The Continental looks down at the floor; camera looks down as well, only to discover a her reflection on a floor mirror ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow-wow! “I see London.. I see France.. I see something..” No, wait! Wait, no! no, don’t leave! Please! My intention.. my intention, you misunderstood! Please, forgive me! Wait! If you change your mind, you can call me!

[ camera flees for the door, makes her exit, then slams the door behind her and runs ]

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

African-American Archives

Don Cheadle…..Dean Edwards
Lucious Claymont…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: For the History Channel, this is “African-American Archives”.

[ dissolve to Don Cheadle standing before image of Lucious Claymont ]

Don Cheadle: The year was 1935. Hollywood was in its first Golden Age, and a man named Lucious Claymont would go down in motion picture history, with a film called “Bride of Frankenstein.”

[ dissolve to movie poster for “The Bride of Frankenstein” ]

Lucious didn’t direct the film, nor act in it, nor did he have any part in its production; but he did buy a ticket.

[ dissolve back to Don Cheadle standing before image of Lucious Claymont ]

While the non-classic film unspooled, and everyone in the audience watched in rapt silence, Lucious, in a then unheard-of display of emotion, rose to his feet and simply said, “Oh, no you ain’t! Oh, no you ain’t going in that monster’s castle!”

[ dissolve to various still photos of Lucious Claymont communicating with the moving picture from his seat in the theater ]

On that faithful day, Lucious Claymont became the first African-American man to yell at the movie screen, attempting, through sheer volume and determination, to communicate with the characters on the screen, and warn them of impending danger.

[ dissolve back to Don Cheadle ]

It would take some time, but soon, thanks to this one brave pioneer, black people everywhere would have the courage to yell at the movie screen. From the loudest, “I know you ain’t even gonna be openin’ that closet!” to the most plaintive, “Oh, no you didn’t! He nasty!”

It all began with the great Lucious Claymont. For the History Channel, I’m Don Cheadle.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 13
02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Colonel Angus

Written by: Tina Fey

Melinda…..Amy Poehler
Daddy…..Chris Parnell
Miss Anabelle…..Rachel Dratch
Farm Boy…..Jeff Richards
Bedelia…..Maya Rudolph
Colonel Angus…..Christopher Walken

[ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: “Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!” ]

Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When’s he gonna get here, Mama?

Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.

Melinda: Is he very handsome?

Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He’s been away at war so long, I don’t rightly remember.

Melinda: Mama! Look! There’s a carriage on the horizon!

Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?

Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!

Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!

Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?

Miss Anabelle: ..I don’t know, uh.. We haven’t seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..

[ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]

Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?

Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can’t wait to meet him!

Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she’ll settle for nothing less.

Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Hmm.. I don’t know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure why.. can’t put my finger on it..

Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!

[ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]

Bedelia: Yes, Sir?

Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We’re gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!

Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don’t know nothin’ about no Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!

[ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]

Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!

Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.

Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We’re always happy to see your shiny face!

Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?

Colonel Angus: I’m headed.. down South!

Daddy: Hmm. Of course!

Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?

Colonel Angus: T’ain’t really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..

Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!

Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?

Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.

Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I’ve heard so much about you.

Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don’t believe everything you hear.. about ol’ Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.

Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you’ll spend the night with us.

Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.

Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: “Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!” But he never will.

Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that’s because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!

[ they all share a hearty laugh ]

Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.

Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..

Daddy: Yes?

Colonel Angus: It’s true, I’m afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.

Daddy: Is it true you’ve been stripped of your rank?

Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There’ll be no more “Colonel Angus”, ladies. Call me by my given name.

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal..

Melinda: I so love the sound of “Colonel Angus”.. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try.

Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin’ at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.

Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..

Colonel Angus: If you’ll excuse me.. I’d like to freshen up.

[ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]

Miss Anabelle: Of course! We’ll call you when it’s time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.

Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!

Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm….

Miss Anabelle: You won’t.. after forty-five minutes.

Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 22nd, 2003

Christopher Walken

Foo Fighters

None

Steve Martin

Will Ferrell

Britney Spears

Jim Carrey
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) spars with French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (Christopher Walken).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews.

Transcript

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Ever the traditionalist, Christopger Walken sings and dances for the audience’s delight.

Also Hosted: 89k, 92d, 95j, 99p, 00t.

Transcript

PrankstersSummary: Playful host Zach Ricky (Seth Meyers) is horrified when Larry Hobson (Christopher Walken), one of his older guests, presents a prank video in which he kills a co-worker with a tire iron in the name of a good laugh.

Recurring Characters: Zach Ricky.

Transcript

The ContinentalSummary: The Continental (Christopher Walken) lures a women into his penthouse apartment with the hopes of enticing her into becoming the spokesmodel for his new line of cosmetics.

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Transcript

Life RaftSummary: Crazy Captain Tyus (Christopher Walken) wants to be leader of the men who are stranded on his life raft after surviving his boat’s crash upon an iceberg.

Transcript

African American ArchivesSummary: Don Cheadle (Dean Edwards) salutes Lucious Claymont (Tracy Morgan), the first black man to yell at the screen during a horror movie.

Recurring Characters: Don Cheadle.

Transcript

Colonel AngusSummary: Colonel Angus’ (Christopher Walken) return down South sparks quaint reflection from everyone at the plantation.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Christina Aguliera (Maya Rudolph) speaks her own language. Steve Martin makes a pointless cameo to fill air time. Will Ferrell announces that he’s now living on a farm with Britney Spears.

Recurring Characters: Christina Aguliera.

Transcript

Foo Fighters perform “All My Life”Also Appeared: 95g, 99d, 05e.

Love-ahsSummary: Roger (Will Ferrell) and Virginia Klarvin (Rachel Dratch) meet once again with Professor Walter (Christopher Walken).

Recurring Characters: Roger Klarvin, Virginia Klarvin, Walter.

Foo Fighters perform “Times Like These (One-Way Motorway)”Note: Jim Carrey joins the band and performs a guitar solo with his leg.

The Rialto GrandeSummary: Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) jokes around with fellow comic Vic Lester (Christopher Walken).

Recurring Characters: Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun, Buddy Mills, Mackey, cocktail waitresses.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Antiques RoadshowSummary: Homeowner (Horatio Sanz) checks the value of a beer stein.

Second Time AroundSummary: Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) speaks with (Rachel Dratch) and (Christopher Walken).

Antiques Roadshow IISummary: Homemaker (Amy Poehler) checks the value of her family photo album.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents another adventure with The X-Presidents.

African American Archives IIRecurring Characters: Don Cheadle.

Antiques Roadshow IIISummary: Man (Tracy Morgan) checks the value of a century-old corn dog.

Board MeetingSummary: Executive (Christopher Walken) is pre-occupied with the blossoming romance between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez during an important board meeting.

African American Archives IIISummary: Don Cheadle (Dean Edwards) salutes Mushmouth from the Fat Albert gang.

Recurring Characters: Don Cheadle.

The JukeboxSummary: A man (Christopher Walken) has reservations about what songs teenagers can play on his jukebox.

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Walmart Greeters

Greeter #1…..Jennifer Garner
Greeter #2…..Amy Poehler
Female Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
Store Manager…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior shot, Super Wal-Mart ]

[ dissolve to interior, where two female door greeters stand and marvel at the massive space surounding them ]

Greeter #1: Hi! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know I say this to you every day.. but I still can’t get over how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowwwww! It’s too big!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww! The whole town is this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! It has too many things!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: This store has to be at least eight city blocks! I mean, that is about 500 miles of store!

Greeter #2: I know! This Wal-Mart is as big as 250 Rite-Aids!

Greeter #1: I knowww! Thank God we work near the door! Otherwise, we’d never be able to get out!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: You know it’s too big when you can park inside the store!

Greeter #2: I know! You know a store is too big when, under the same roof, you can buy a pack of gum and a speedboat!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Female Customer saunters forward ]

Female Customer #1: Uh.. excuse me..

Greeter #2: Oh, hello! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #1: Uh.. can you point me to Sporting Goods?

Greeter #2: I can point you t’wards it.. but, I gotta be honest with you.. I never even seen Sporting Goods, I only heard about it.

Greeter #1: [ hands customer a bottle of water ] Here. Take some water with you, you’re gonna need it for the journey.

Female Customer #1: Oh.. thank you.. [ exits ]

Greeter #2: She’s never gonna make it, she’s too old!

Greeter #1: I knowww! People come in this Wal-Mart, and they never leave!

Greeter #2: I knowww! I heard that Kathy Peacock died in this Wal-Mart. And they didn’t find her body for weeks.

Greeter #1: I heard that Kathy Peacock was born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know! Two babies a day are born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: This Wal-Mart’s gonna have to elect its own President!

Greeter #2: This Wal-Mart has it’s own capitol!

Greeter #1: There’s a globe in School Supplies of just this Wal-Mart! That’s how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

[ another Female Customer steps forward trepiditiously ]

Female Customer #2: Excuse me..?

Greeter #2: Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Thank you.. Um.. can you tell me where I would be able to find bath rugs, with patriotic baby ducks on them?

Greeter #2: Uh.. bath rugs with patriotic baby ducks is in.. Aisle 6,000! And, here.. [ grabs poncho ] ..you’re gonna need this poncho! ‘ Cause I think it’s rainy season in that part of Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: And they might not speak English over there, because there are three indiginous languages to this Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Oh.. uh.. thank you..? [ exits ]

Greeter #2: Bloo-bloo-bloop?

Greeter #1: What does that mean?

Greeter #2: It means “You’re welcome!” in Wal-Mart.

Greeter #1: Boy, is she in for it.

Greeter #2: I knowww! The competing weather systems in this Wal-Mart could cause a tornado to happen!

Greeter #1: I knowww! And that active volcano by Electronics is about to blow!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Lost Male Customer ambles forward, petrified ]

Male Customer: Hey, uh.. I’m looking for Leisure Wear..

Greeter #1: Uh.. hoo!

Greeter #2: Okay, we got an idea..

Greeter #1: Okay.

Greeter #2: Alright..

[ they unfold a large, bulky map together ]

Greeter #1: Here’s a map of Northern Wal-Mart. What you’re gonna do is go to hte end of this map, which is about 4,000 miles, and then you’re gonna come down here..

Greeter #2: Right.. Oh! Oh! Burt Reynolds lives here!

Greeter #1: I know! I heard that! And when you get to the end here, there’s gonna be a guide to give you more maps. Hey, listen up.. if you make it to Leisure Wear, tell them we wanna learn more about their people.

Greeter #2: Yeah! Tell them we mean them no harm!

Greeter #1: Yeah, we don’t!

Greeter #2: We don’t!

Greeter #1: No!!!

[ Store Manager breaks into the scene, as Male Customer shirks away in fear ]

Store Manager: Please! Please! Ladies! I have asked you repeatedly, to quit making remarks to the customers about how big this Wal-Mart is! It scares them! Yes, this is a big store, but we are proud of its size! And my name is Mr. Sparkson!

Greeter #2: Well, everyone calls you “Sparky”!

Store Manager: I understand that! Your job is just to greet people!

Greeter #1: Sparky!!

Greeter #2: Sparky!! Look! If I could wrap my mind around this Wal-Mart, I’d stop talking about it!

Greeter #1: I mean, this Wal-Mart is just so big, if we don’t talk about it, our heads are gonna pop out!

Greeter #2: Yeah! And then they’d just sell our heads in the Human Body Parts aisle of this Wal-Mart!

Store Manager: [ angered and greatly annoyed ] You know what?!! Your shofts are almost over, why don’t you.. just.. call it.. a day!!!

Greeter #1: Alright! We’re just gonna wave to you as you disappear into the horizon of this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Yeah! We just gonna watch you walk into the sunset of this Wal-Mart, Sparky!

Greeter #1: We better get going, it’s getting dark over there in Automotives!

Greeter #2: Yeah, you’re right.. and, at night, its gets cold in here like a desert.

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: So.. what do you wanna do tonight?

Greeter #1: I heard there was a new Mexican restaurant with dollar Margaritas.

Greeter #2: [ excited ] That sounds great! Where is it?

Greeter #1: In this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Great!

Greeter #1: Great! Right? Hey! I heard they have the Superbowl in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I heard they sell Superbowls in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! That’s how big it is!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Together: I knowww!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts