Category:

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Tara Greenly…..Jennifer Garner
Mr. Banglion…..Horatio Sanz
Female Student…..Amy Poehler

[ open on “Wake up Wakefield” title card ]

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s a special afterschool broadcast of “Wake Up Wakefield”, coming to you live from the Valentine’s Day Dance.

[ dissolve to Megan and Sheldon standing in the cafeteria amid party decorations and other students having a fun time; “Sk8r Boi” can be heard playing in the background ]

Megan: It’s 3:15 PM, and look at all the beautiful people arriving here in the cafeteria, where the Valentine’s Dance is just getting under way. I’m your host, Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey.

Megan: Wow, the cafeteria looks so glamorous, like a Mariah Carey video, doesn’t it, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Yes. The air is rich with excitement, and the smell of Chicken a la King. It’s great fun, even though some people can only stay for forty minutes, because they have a cello lesson at four, and.. you know, those lessons are pre-paid, and, if you miss it, you-you lose that money.

Megan: Yeah, Sheldon’s already saved me a dollar this week. Individual tickets to the dance are four dollars, but only seven dollars per couple. And he suggested we purchase the tickets at the couples’ rate and save a dollar, even though we are not an actual couple. I repeat: we are.. not.. an actual couple.

Sheldon: Yeah, I-I-I was just crunching some numbers.

Megan: [ looks to her right ] Oh, hey! Here comes the student organizer of the Valentine’s Dance, my friend from gymnastics since we were five – Tara Greenly. [ Tara enters frame ] Tara! Tara! Do you have time to talk to “Wake Up Wakefield”?

Tara: Sure, Megan, no problem!

Megan: First off, who are you wearing?

Tara: Well.. I am wearing Old Navy.. and Nike. And I don’t know where these tights come from, I think they were my sister’s.

Sheldon: So, Tara.. what goes into organizing an event of this magnitude?

Tara: [ excited to see Sheldon, and excessively giddy otherwise ] Hi, Sheldon! Um, yes! I am in charge of refreshments, and the decorations! And I just need to make one announcement! Okay! Everyone keeps asking me, “What’s in the punch!” And I guess I can tell you! It’s ginger ale! Cranberry sherbet, and raaaaaaspberry JUICE!! A lot of people say “sher-bert“, which is actually wrong! Anyway, it’s kind of an adult thing! Sheldon.. I like your tie.

Sheldon: [ humbled ] Th-thanks. It’s from the Men’s Wearhouse.

Tara: Also, I came up with the Rose-a-Gram idea! How it works is, you pay a dollar to send a rose to whoever you have a secret crush on! Yellow means Friends, Pink means I Like You, and Red means True Love FOREVER!! Why, Megan – you can send one to Randy Goldman!

Megan: [ flustered ] Oh, wow.. this is awkward.. I promised I wouldn’t talk about this on the air, but here goes.. See, I am happy to announce here on the show, that I am no longer in love with one Randall James Goldman. I told him, “It’s over between us, babe,” and he said, “Moooove, Mandy, you’re blocking my locker.” and I said, “Hey, let’s end this game while it’s sweet, and my name is Megan.”

Sheldon: That guy is no good for you..

Megan: Yeahhhhh.. I realized I had to set more realistic romantic goals for myself. So, please say Hello to the new love of my life.. [ pulls out button from underneath shirt ] ..Justin Timberlake! [ singing ] “Megan, I love you! You’re my girlfriend!” I love you, too, J.T.! [ licks the button passionately ] He’s awesome!

Tara: Hey! did you guys know that Justin Timberlake used to be in a band called N*Sync! If Justin Timberlake went to Wakefield, you could send him a Rose-a-Gram! You see, Valentine’s Day is about telling your loved ones how much you care!

Sheldon: [ shyly ] A-actually.. the true story of Valentine’s Day starts in Ancient Rome. St. Valentine continued to perform marriages for Christian martyrs, even though it was forbidden by Claudius II. And on February 14th, 270 A.D., St. Valentine was dragged before the Prefect of Rome, and beaten to death with clubs and had his head cut off.

[ Megan and Tara are left in a stunned silence ]

Megan: Okay. Well, it’s almost time for the dance contest..

Tara: Oh! I’ve gotta get the prizes together! First Place gets a $10 gift certificate to Greenly Dry Cleaning, compliments of my dad, Henry Greenly!

Sheldon: Geez.. I-I’d love to win that, I’d love that..

Megan: Great. But, first, let’s meet our chaperone for the afternoon, Mr. Banglion.

[ Mr. Banglion bounces into the scene, quoting from Missy Elliot’s “Work It” ]

Mr. Banghlion: Hey, hey! “Was it worth it? Let me search it! And find out how hard I want to work it!” Hey there! Happy Velentine’s! Hey, I want y’all to have a good time, but I’m here to remind you: Keep it clean, jellybeans! Alright. Now, you can get your groove on.. but you can’t get your.. [ mimics the grooves from the Missy Elliot collection ] ..your freak on! Yeah! That’s right!

Megan: We.. we know that, Mr. B…

Tara: [ looks off-screen to her left ] Eugh!! Hillary Ewing and Jeffrey Graf are totally making out under the nutritional poster!

Mr. Banghlion: Oh, boy.. I gotta go. Hey, remember, kids: Let’s keep it PG in the two-double-oh-three, okay, gang? “Is it worth it? Let me work it!” [ makes Missy Elliot noises as he moonwalks out ]

Female Student: [ enters carrying Rose-a-Gram ] Hey. Rose-a-Gram.

Megan: [ flustered ] Hey, a red rose, what’s this, I mean I wasn’t expecting anything this year, I mean Randy Goldman’s in Michigan, Justin is on tour in Ja-pan.. I suppose he could phone it in.

Female Student: Actually, the rose is for Sheldon?

Sheldon: [ confused ] For me?

Female Student: Yeah.

Megan: For Sheldon? No way! Who’s it from?

Sheldon: Uh.. [ reads the card ] “To Sheldon. Love, your not-do-secret admirer, Tara.”

Megan: Um.. I don’t know how to feel about this.. awesome?

Tara: [ ecstatic, to Sheldon ] I have had a crush on you ever since you became President of Math League!

[ slow song begins to play in the background ]

Sheldon: [ nervous ] Th-that’s cool..

Megan: No way!

Tara: Do you want to dance?

Sheldon: Okay..

[ Sheldon begins to awkwardly dance with Tara ]

Megan: No way! Well, this is live TV, folks, you never know what’s gonna happen! Well, this concludes today’s broadcast.. I feel pretty good about this show, and.. although I may not have a Valentine to dance with, do not pity me.. for I am focusing my energy on a bradcasting career.

[ a beep comes from Sheldon’s pants ]

Sheldon: Oh! I gotta go.. my cello lesson!

Tara: [ dismayed ] But.. Sheldon!

Sheldon: [ nervous ] I gotta go!

[ Sheldon and Tara share an awkward yet passionate kiss ]

Megan: Whoa!

Sheldon: Signing off, I am Sheldon! [ runs off ]

Tara: Come back!

Megan: And I am the future celebrity wife of Mr. Justin Timberlake!

[ Megan and Tara go into hysterics reminiscing about Tara’s kiss with Sheldon ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Burt Bacharach…..Jeff Richards
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Parnell
…..Jennifer Garner

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

A government official admitted Friday that the al-Qaida terror suspect whose information led to the current Orange Alert failed a lie-detector test. Also, in a shocking turn of events, it was realized that he is not a millionaire.

This week, France and Germany once again joined together and called for additional UN weapons inspections. France and Germany also called all of their friends to tell them that they’re gay and in love.

The Navy has begun using trained sea lions to help protect ships in the Persian Gulf from enemy divers. So our ships will be completely safe unless al-Qaida can somehow get their hands on a bucket of fish.

Rapper Fifty Cents’ debut album, “Get Rich or Die Trying,” sold almost 900,000 copies in four days, making it the highest selling first album ever. The lowest selling first album remains “Screech Gotsta Git Fonky”. [Both Jimmy and Tina laugh at the word “Fonky”]

Scientists have invented a new “smart bra” which tightens its own straps when the wearer needs more support. Even more impressive: it beat Anna Nicole Smith at Scrabble.

Tina Fey: As today’s peace marches demonstrate, not everyone in America agrees we should be going to war. Already, we have seen many in the movie industry come out against the war, and here with us tonight, a giant in the music industry will share his views. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.

Burt Bacharach: [suave] Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I think it’s safe to say that many of us in the music biz, or any biz for that matter, find this guy Saddam a pretty rough customer.

I supported action the first time in Iraq, but this time, if we go back to smack Iraq, you can count ‘ol Bacharach out of that attack! Back in Iraq? Not Bacharach!

Tina, I think we lack the facts to attack Iraq. Those quacks can stack facts up and down the track, but don’t expect Bacharach to back the war on Iraq!

And hey, ‘ol Bacharach may take some flack for his tack, but I’d rather take syrup of ipecac than pack some kid from Hackensack in a flat jacket just so he’d get shot in the crack! That’s the Kodak ‘ol Bacharach wouldn’t want in the almanac! Some sad sack shot full of holes from an AK-AK, hangin’ out on a tarmac in a body sack? Snack on that, Jack!

Tina Fey: Well, thanks for the feedback, Burt Bacharach!

Burt Backarach: All right!

Tina Fey: Burt Bacharach, everybody!

Well, after a heartbreaking loss last year, Mick, a blue terrier, won Best in Show this week at the Westminster Dog Show. The only way this year’s contest could have gone any better for Mick, would be if he had any idea of what the hell was going on.

Actor Colin Ferrell this week brought his mother to the premiere of his new movie, “Daredevil,” sparking rumors that they are dating.

Friends of “Mini-Me” actor Verne Troyer are concerned for his health, saying that he has started drinking again. Apparently, things have gotten so bad that Troyer is up to four thimbles of scotch a day. And that’s on a weeknight! Verne’s friends are desperately trying to get him to go to a lowercase “a.a.” meeting.

It was announced this week that video game company Atari is going out of business. When asked to comment, the company said, “[sound of Pac Man dying]”.

Sean Penn is claiming that he lost out on a promised role in a movie because to his trip to Iraq and his opposition to the US-led war, thus depriving the world of “I Am Sam 2: Still ‘Tarded!”

Jimmy Fallon: February is known the world over as Black History Month, and here to comment on it is our own Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Jim! Well, Black History Month is half over, and what have we done to celebrate it? The answer: not much. Schools take a few minutes to talk about Martin Luther King, Denzel gets an extra movie on HBO, and that same ‘ol Harriet Tubman book goes back in the window at Barnes & Noble. That’s about it. Speaking as a proud African American, I think it’s time we made Black History Month count for something! It’s time we made it relevant! Important experience! Especially for the young people! My suggestion? Four simple words: all out race war! Y’see, an all out race war would make the man…

[Tracy is cut short by a “Technical Difficulties – Please Stand By” graphic]

Voiceover: We’re experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Uh, the views expressed by Tracy Morgan do not reflect those of NBC, General Electric, or any of its affiliates.

Now, back to the show!

[cut back to Tracy at the Update desk]

Tracy Morgan: [finishing his rant] …WHITE PEOPLE’S HEADS ON SPIKES! Back to you, Jim.

Jimmy Fallon: [disturbed] Tracy Morgan, everyone.

Tina Fey: Homeland defense officials are suggesting that people use duct tape to seal their doors and windows in case of a biological attack. This won’t replace MY favorite use for duct tape: silencing a hitchhiker. [Tina looks at camera with a crazy look in her eye]

New Scientist Magazine reports this week that all lions like to eat humans, while the cover story of Lion Magazine this week is “Who Told?!”

As part of a mass wedding ceremony in Thailand, “Guy,” a chicken, married “Guk,” a rooster. And, for the record, on their wedding night, the chicken came first.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now with a breaking story is our own Chris Parnell!

Chris Parnell: Hey! Thank you! Thanks, Jimmy! Well, as most as many of our viewers know, Jennifer Garner, our amazingly lovely and talented host this evening, is the star of “Alias,” on which she plays a globehopping CIA secret agent. Now, if you’ve ever wondered why she’s so darn believable on the show, well, it’s because she actually does work for the CIA. And, as a matter of fact, so do I!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Are you saying that you and Jennifer are secret agents?

Chris Parnell: That’s right. Also, she’s my lover. And I want Jennifer and the world to know that the love and adventure we share as we travel the world together on secret missions…well, it means everything to me. So Jen, this is my Valentine’s gift to you.

[rapping] Yo, check it out!
This is the untold story of our secret lives! How it all began!
In Cairo, ancient city, that’s where we met.
When I parachuted in, from my private jet,
She was chillin’ by some ruins, like Cleopatra soaked in sweat,
She said the code words: “I want you.” I just said, “I’ll bet.”
Ha! I’ll bet you do, bi-otch! Huh!
A major MCP, it must be Jennifer G,
“Oui oui,” said she, “And damn! I like what I see!
“Lemme take you for a ride by the Nile in my Humvee!”
Oh, ho ho, you can take me for a ride, girl!
So we cruised to the pyramid, in Khufu,
She stopped the jeep, removed her robe and said, “C’mere Boo!”
I wasn’t one to argue, got up on her like kudzu!
I glanced into the rearview,
Said, “Baby, we got some company, It’s time to do some Kung Fu!”
And if you ain’t never seen this girl do Kung Fu, then you ain’t never seen it done right!
Uh-uh!

[singing] In Cairo, Istanbul, and Tokyo,
She’s my ho,
I’m her beau,
Don’t you know,
We got flow!
And when we’re not workin’, we jump onto my yacht and go!
Drink bordeau,
Eat escargot,
Just take it sloooooow…

[rapping] Now back to the pyramid at Khufu, where the mercenaries are about to attack!
So wearin’ only a smile, she steps into the sun,
And distracted the fools while I retrieved my gun.
And sent a firestorm of bullets into eva-ree-one,
‘Til every merc was dead, cause they disrupted our fun.
Back in the Hummer, we got a little hardcore,
Then had to go and explore,
Quickly found the hidden artifact that we were there for.
Delivered the package in Alexandria that night,
Slept on my yacht, set sail first light!
She says, “Boo! Where should we go?”
Shorty, I don’t know!
But as long as you with me, baby, I’m all right.
Jennifer G, as long as you with me, MCP, everything is gonna be all right.

[singing] In Cairo, Istanbul, and Tokyo,
She’s my ho,
I’m her beau,
Don’t you know,
We got flow!
And when we’re not workin’, we jump onto my yacht and go!
Drink bordeau,
Eat escargot,
Just take it sloooooow…
That’s how we do it.
We take it slooooow…
You know you always be my bitch, girl! Yeah!

Jennifer Garner: [flustered] Chris, have you lost your mind?

Tina Fey: Jennifer, I’m really sorry about all this. Chris has a very active and creepy imagination.

Jennifer Garner: Look, for the record, I met Chris Parnell five days ago. We are not lovers, we do not work for the CIA, and we certainly don’t travel the world in his yacht.

Chris Parnell: [apologetically] Of course we don’t. It was just a joke. Sorry everyone.

[Chris and Jennifer step out to leave]

Jennifer Garner: [whispering] You’re gonna completely blow our cover!

Chris Parnell: [also whispering] I said I was sorry!

Tina Fey: Chris Parnell and Jennifer Garner, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Jimmy is about to throw his pencil, but places it in a blind man’s tin cup at the last second]

Thanks to Bryce Parsons for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

02l: Jennifer Garner /Beck

Siamese Twins

Joe….Jimmy Fallon
Frank….Chris Kattan
Mandy….Jennifer Garner
Sandy….Rachel Dratch

[Opens with an living room apartment. Pizza and beer on the table. Two young guys, Joe and Frank, are very excited]

Frank: So, come one man! When are they getting here?!

Joe: Dude, they should be getting here any minute, man! I got the pizza, we got a cold case of Coors and any minute now we’re gonna meet some smoking-hot twins!

Frank: Sweet!

Joe and Frank: Twins!

Frank: Oh, man!

Joe: Yeah, man!

Frank: Dude, nothing gets me hotter than pizzas and a cold case of Coors and…twi-i-ins!

Joe and Frank:[singing] I like football on TV, shots of Gena Lee and twins![They high-five each other, doorbell rings]

Frank: Twins!

Joe: Coming![opens the door] Come on in, ladies.

[Two conjoined twins are at the door. One of them is pretty, Mandy, she’s a doll and the other one is ugly as sin, Sandy. Sandy has a baby’s arm coming out of her head, big teeth, ugly close, uneven haircut.]

Mandy: Hi, I’m Mandy and this is my sister Sandy.

Joe: It is great to finally meet you guys.

Sandy: Hey, are guys ready to party?

Mandy: Yeah, right.

Joe: We sure are

[Frank is disturbed by the conjoined twins but Joe for some reason is all cool with it]

Joe: Ok, all right. Now let me get this straight. You’re Mandy and she’s Sandy. How am I gonna tell you guys apart? I mean, ok, Sandy on the right, Sandy on the right.

Sandy: There you go, there you go…

Mandy: Sandy, this is Joe the guy I was telling you about. And you must be Frank.

Frank:[disturbed] Yeah, yeah.

Sandy: Well, I’m ready for a beer. Right, guys?

Joe: Sure thing. Lets go to the couch, ladies.

[Frank sits at the end corner of the couch to avoid any contact with the ugly ass twin. Joe squeezes Frank out, the twins Mandy and Sandy sit and Frank is forced to sit next to the monstrous twin, Sandy.]

Frank: So—so, so….[over Sandy to beautiful Mandy] hey, Mandy, hey, what do you do?

Mandy: I’m in telemarketing.

Frank: Oh, yeah. I see. And uh, uh, so Sandy. [Can’t even look at her ugly face] What about you? What do you do uh—

Sandy: I’m in telemarketing too.

Frank: Oh, right. Yeah, of course, because you’d have to. Right?

Sandy: Yeah.

Frank: Right, cause yes, obviously.

Joe: [still psyched] Dude, twins, dude!

Frank: Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?

Joe: Yeah, one moment, ladies.[Gets up from the couch aside with Frank, the twins are alone in the couch]

Sandy: So, who’s with who here?

Mandy: I’m with Joe.

Sandy: No way! He’s a hottie. Come on, Mandy!

Mandy: Sandy, I’m the one who spent all that time on the Internet setting this whole thing up. I mean, if it were up to you we would just be at home shaving your leg.

Frank: Ok, what–what, what the hell are you thinking?!

Joe: What do you mean what I was thinking? I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking za’, Coors and twins![Tries to high-five but Frank is not having any of it]

Frank: Ok, no, no, no! Dude, how come, dude, how come you get the hot one?

Joe: What? Dude, they are twins. What are you talking about?

Frank: Well, it just kind of looks like one of them had a little more time to cook than the other one…[Joe shuts Frank up]

Joe: I’m telling you, the only reason I’m with Mandy is cause she’s the one I’ve been talking to on the Internet. We have a relationship, something you should try to look in to!

Frank: Ok, fine! Let me see that picture again! Give me. Let me see it.

[Joe gives Frank a photo]

Joe: Don’t rip it.

Frank: That’s all right. Ok, what did you think that was?[points at photo]

Joe: I thought she was sitting near the back of a dog. Look, just try this for me, all right?!

[Seductive “hellos” to the guys from beautiful Mandy and from ugly mutant Sandy]

Frank: How much beer do we have?

Joe: Icy cold case of Coors, dude.

Frank: All right, ok.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe sits next to beautiful Mandy, Frank next to monstrous Sandy]

Mandy: I’m so glad I’m finally meeting you in the flesh, Joe.

Joe: Me too.

Mandy: I hope is ok I brought my sister along.

Joe: That’s totally cool. Oh, my God. You have beautiful eyes.

Mandy: Oh, My God…

[Joe and Mandy passionately kiss]

Frank: So uh,[its difficult to look at her ugly ass face] so, wow. [mumbles] Have you seen any good movies? Have you seen any good movies, lately?

Sandy: You want to get this thing going or what?

Frank: I just….I usually like, you know, have a conversation…

Sandy: There you go. Telling a lady what she thinks she wants to hear. Cut the small talk, cowboy!

Frank: Cowboy?

Sandy: Look, they’re off and running. Believe me, we better keep up a pace with them. You do not want to be starting when they’re finishing, believe me.[Joe while still kissing Mandy, he grabs Sandy’s boob] Oh, that one’s mine, pally.

Frank: Ok, hold up! Stop it, stop that, stop it, ok. [Joe stops kissing Mandy] Why is it we like twins? Why do we like twins?

Joe: Because there’s two of them, man!

Frank: Ok, you know what? I do not like twins! I do not like football on tv! And I’m not even sure who Gena Lee is! And beer?! I prefer a nice Merlot! Ok?! That’s right! And I think I just—I just grown up here now! Ok! I AM OUTTA HERE![leaves, door slams]

Joe: Suit yourself, dude. Your loss![Goes back to kissing Mandy, Sandy picks up a slice of pizza and eats]

Sandy: I got news for you—you can make out with her 6 ways to Sunday but I’m the one with the vagina.

[Joe gives the ok sign, keeps making out]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Michael Jackson In A Tree

Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Liz Taylor…..Rachel Dratch
Lisa Marie Presley…..Jennifer Garner
Michael 7…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: And now, back to “Michael Jackson in a Tree.”

Michael Jackson: Oh, tree! Oh wonderful, funderful, special, secret tree! Why don’t people understand me? Everyone hates me! You’re my last friend, my best friend, my special tree! I love you, tree!

[Elizabeth Taylor climbs up into the tree.]

Liz Taylor: Michael! Michael! It’s me, Elizabeth Taylor!

Michael Jackson: Liz! Oh, Liz! Look, secret tree! It’s our very dear friend, Elizabeth Taylor!

Liz Taylor: Michael, I’m speaking to you as a friend! You have to get down from this tree!

Michael Jackson: But why? You need a date for the Oscars, Liz? Oh, tree! We’re going to the 75th annual Oscars! What a night that’ll be! Bodyguards, a hooded outfit, a new face! I can hardly wait! I’ll pick you up in a go-cart, Liz!

Liz Taylor: You’re not listening to me!

Michael Jackson: White diamonds!

Liz Taylor: Ha, ha, ha! Yes, Michael, white diamonds. Now pay attention, darling! People think you’re a weirdo!

Michael Jackson: I know why too, Liz! It’s because I like water balloons, isn’t it?

Liz Taylor: No, dear, it’s not that.

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: I think it’s more the way you put masks on your kids.

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: The way you let boys sleep in your bed!

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: Calling a child “Blanket.”

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: Paying millions of dollars for crap you can get for nothing at the Bombay Company!

Michael Jackson: You can?

Liz Taylor: Having mysterious babies!

Michael Jackson: No, please, please! Stop talking! Tree, tell her to stop talking! She doesn’t understand!

[Lisa Marie Presley climbs into the tree.]

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael! Michael!

Michael Jackson: Who is it?

Liz Taylor: What on earth?

Michael Jackson: Oh look, tree! It’s my wife, Lisa Marie! My wife! I married her!

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael.

Michael Jackson: Lizzy, do you remember when I kissed my wife?

Liz Taylor: Yes, dear.

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael, we’re not married anymore.

Michael Jackson: Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t live with ’em.

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael, I’m not like you. I’m a normal person.

Michael Jackson: I’m normal, too!

Liz Taylor: I’m not normal!

Lisa Marie Presley: I knew this was a bad idea! You freaks will never change! Here!

[Lisa hands them envelopes.]

Michael Jackson: What’s this?

Lisa Marie Presley: It’s a written invitation! I’m getting married to OJ Simpson! Liza’ll be there, Tawny Kitaen, and fifty Elvis impersonators! See ya!

Michael Jackson: Tawny Kitaen! I love her! Did you hear that, Liz? She thinks I’m a freak! Doesn’t anyone on this earth understand me? Everybody hates me, except the tree! I’m not some monster! Maybe I should just disappear!

Liz Taylor: Look, up there! A spaceship!

[We see a tiny little fake tree, with Liz and Michael dolls sitting on it. A spaceship lands next to it.]

Liz Taylor: Jackson! We’re being invaded by Jacksons!

Michael Jackson: Oh, I’m embarrassed! Me? No – ow, no!

[Three Jacksons walk out.]

Michael 7: Don’t cry, Michael. It’s me, Michael 7. We on Michael Analarius have been watching you and your Earth friends.

Michael Jackson: I don’t have any friends!

Michael 7: No, Michael, it’s not that they’re not your friends. It’s just they are not ready for you yet. They know not of love and compassion. All they know is hate and war. They only want to laugh at the weak, and they lack the courage to challenge those in power. Even now, in a world full of fear and the threat of war they would rather laugh at your beautiful face. Come, Michael. We shall leave these Earthlings until they are ready to grow up. Say good-bye.

Michael Jackson: You’re silly! Can I take Liz Taylor?

Michael 7: No, Liz has a planet of her own. Say good-bye Michael.

Michael Jackson: Good-bye tree! Bye Liz! [rubs her face]

Lizbeth Taylor: Ahh!

Michael Jackson: Bye Neverland! Bye moon! Bye snow cones! Bye babies! Bye grandma! Bye watch! Bye Quincy Jones! Bye Elephant Man!

Michael 7: Okay, Michael, we’re running out of time. We’ll say bye later.

Michael Jackson: BYE EARTH!

[the spaceship takes off]

Michael Jackson: Bye milk! Bye blender! Bye Captain Hornblower! Bye salt! Bye earth! Bye club!

Elizabeth Taylor: Bye Michael! Have fun in space!

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

02l: Jennifer Garner /Beck

Saddam calls Osama

Saddam Hussein….Horatio Sanz
Osama Bin Laden….Jimmy Fallon
Terrorist….Fred Armisen

[Opens with a cave. Inside the cave a terrorist hands a mobile phone to Osama.]

Terrorist: For you, sir.

Osama bin Laden: Hello? Hello?

Girlie voice: Um, hello! Pizza delivery for Mr. Bin Laden!

Osama bin Laden: What?

Girlie voice: Uh, I have order for 100 pizzas!

Osama bin Laden: 100 pizzas?! I did not order 100—I will not pay for these pizzas!

Saddam Hussein: Ha ha ha! I’m kidding! It’s me Saddam!

Osama bin Laden: Holy crap! Do not do this to me, man!

Saddam Hussein: I had you going though!

Osama bin Laden: Saddam, what’s up? You calling just to bust my balls or what?

Saddam Hussein: Oh, man! No, no, no. That’s not why I’m calling. Listen, I got to say, man. Get off my jock, bro’! Oh, man! You got to lay off me! With the tapes and the speeches saying I’m an infidel, people should rise up against me? Come on, guy! That’s not cool!

Osama bin Laden: I knew this was coming.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, it is coming!

Osama bin Laden: [mocking] It is coming?

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, I mean, give me a break, bro’! I got these U.N. inspectors cramming up my style 24/7! I got George W. Bush so far up my ass I’m tasting brill cream, bro’! Hey, man, word to the wise, man. Don’t ever try to kill that guy’s dad. Boy, whooo….he takes it personal.

Osama bin Laden: Serious, serious…

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, listen Osama…

Osama bin Laden: Yeah, I will listen, it’s a phone. What? Do you want me to look?

Saddam Hussein: What are you talking about, man?

Osama bin Laden: Never mind. Its a joke.

Saddam Hussein: Take it down a notch. Last thing I need is one of my bros coming down on me. Come on, I know we’re not close but…jeez louise!

Osama bin Laden: Hey, Saddam! What’s this? [rubs his fingers together] Well, you really can’t see cause we’re on the phone but it’s…I’m rubbing my fingers together, its the world’s smallest violin.

Saddam Hussein: What?

Osama bin Laden: Its a joke.

Saddam Hussein: I don’t get it.

Osama bin Laden: The point is cut me some slack, jack! I’m giving speech trying to rally up the boys! I do what I have to do, man! You think I got it easy? I’ve been living in a friggin cave for 2 years! I got permanent cave ass over here!

Terrorist: Who is it?

Osama bin Laden: Its Saddam. He’s upset about the tape.

Terrorist: Awkward.

Osama bin Laden: Look Saddam, I didn’t say you were evil. I said you were the lesser of 2 evils. I still hate the United States.

Saddam Hussein: I still hate the United States too. I mean, that’s my point. I’m just saying, leave me out of the tapes, man! Jeez, you release more tapes than “Steely Dan”!

Osama bin Laden: Really? You gonna go with “Steely Dan” on that one?

Saddam Hussein: Yeah man…they put out a lot of records.

Osama bin Laden: I don’t get it. Why?

Saddam Hussein: What?

Osama bin Laden: Never mind. What do you want?

Saddam Hussein: I told you, man!

Osama bin Laden: What?!

Saddam Hussein: Listen—

Osama bin Laden: I will listen! It’s a phone! It’s a joke.

Saddam Hussein: Take it easy, ok? You used it twice now. I’m not saying that you need to come to dinner at my house. I mean, if you did, I’ll have you killed.

Osama bin Laden: Oh, no. Believe me. I’ll try to kill you, bro’!

Saddam Hussein: You would. I know. [hearty laugh]

Osama bin Laden: I love your laugh, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Thank you.

Osama bin Laden: Sounds like a cartoon character. Hey, Saddam look, I’ll be honest with you. The point is Bush is trying to link us in the press. Saying my people is in cahoots with your people. I mean, frankly is bad for my rep, you know. I’m not saying you’re old news but last time you did anything big I was wearing acid wash jeans and a members only jacket.

Saddam Hussein: Hey, trust me, man.

Osama bin Laden: What?

Saddam Hussein: It’s no picnic over here either. You think being linked to you in the papers is a good deal? No offense man, but you’re some kind of deep fried nutball. You scare me, man! And I’m Saddam Freaking Hussein!

Osama bin Laden: I’m sorry I screwed up your week, man. But how about we just agree that I’ll do my thing and you’ll do your thing.

Saddam Hussein: Sounds good. Ok. Hey, give me a call when you’re in town.

Osama bin Laden: I will not do that.

Saddam Hussein: I didn’t think you would. So long!

Osama bin Laden: Bye-bye, buddy!

Saddam Hussein: Bye![hangs up]

Terrorist: How did it go?

Osama bin Laden: Hey, how many albums did “Steely Dan” release?

Terrorist: Ok, you’re counting “Best of”?

Osama bin Laden: No.

Terrorist: 12. Why?

Osama bin Laden: Forget it.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 490

“When I looked into the microscope, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The deadly, dangerous germs I had been studying were dead, all dead. Now, how was I going to study them, and find a cure for them? Whoever or whatever had killed them was going to be in big trouble.”

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Jennifer Garner’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Garner
…..Chris Parnell
…..Chris Kattan
…..Seth Meyers
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Horatio Sanz

Jennifer Garner: Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! It is great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. It’s great to be here. This show is so much work! But it’s still less work than “Alias”. I mean, I’ve been on vacation this week! [ laughs ] I didn’t have to kick anyone in the groin the whole week. I mean, I did kick some people in the groin.. but not because I had to. [ Chris Parnell enters, holding a large heart-shaped bx of candy ] Hey, Chris!

Chris Parnell: Hey, Jennifer. Uh.. I just wanted to give this to you, to say, “Thanks for being such an awesome host!” You’re the coolest.

Jennifer Garner: Ohhhh, thank you, that is so sweet! [ takes the gift ] Why didn’t you give his to me yesterday, when it really was Valentine’s Day?

Chris Parnell: [ winks ] Because I wanted to do it on television!

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ]

[ Chris Kattan enters, carrying a bouquet of roses ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Jennifer! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Jennifer Garner: Oh, my God! Chris! This is too much!

Chris Kattan: Well.. I have this thing where all the money I used to spend on cocaine, I spend on flowers..

Jennifer Garner: Oh.. well, okay, then..

[ Seth Meyers enters, carrying a tiny heart-shaped box of candy ]

Seth Meyers: Uh.. hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer Garner: Hi, Seth! What’d you bring me?

Seth Meyers: Uh.. [ looks at his tiny gift ] Nothing.. forget it.. Why do I bother?

Jennifer Garner: Come on.. you guys didn’t have to get me anything. I mean.. you know I’m married, right?

Jimmy Fallon: No, I don’t want to hear that! You’re my girlfriend!

Jennifer Garner: Aw, Jimmy.

Darrell Hammond: It’s just that.. it’s just that you’re our favorite host of all time, ever.

[ Tracy Morgan enters, dressed as Cupid ]

Tracy Morgan: I don’t dress up like Cupid for everybody, you know.

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ] Well, I’ve had a great time working with all of you, too. And.. in fact.. I’ve really been thinking a lot about you guys this week, and.. well, there’s something that I’d like to say to you. But maybe I could say it better through a song. [ music pots up, as Jennifer breaks into song ]

“My fun-ny Valentines.
Sweet com-ic Valentines.
You make me smi-i-i-i-i-ile with my heart..”

[ to Chris Parnell, whose hand has slipped behind Garner’s lower quarters ] Get your hand off my butt, right now!

Chris Parnell: Sorry.. [ removes his hand ]

Jennifer Garner: [ rubs her hands on Will Forte’s face ]
“Your looks.. are laugh-a-ble
Un-photo-graph-able..”

Seriously, how did this guy get on TV?

[ Will Forte frowns; Garner moves on to Fred Armisen ]

“Yet your my fav’rite.. work of art.”

[ mashes her hands in Fred’s face ] A Picasso!

[ to Horatio Sanz ] “Is your figure.. less than Greek?”

Horatio Sanz: Oh, come on!

Jennifer Garner: [ to Chris Kattan ] “Is your mouth.. a little weak?”

Chris Kattan: [ confused ] What does that mean?

Jennifer Garner:
“When you o-pen it.. to speak?
Are you sma-a-a-rt?”

[ moves Kattan’s lips up and down ] No.. I’m.. not.. sma-a-a-a-a-artt!

[ to Jimmy Fallon ] “Don’t change your hair.. for me-e-e-e..”

On second thought, change it – it looks like you combed your hair with your foot!

[ rubs Tracy Morgan’s face ]
“Not if you.. care for me-e-e-e.”
Stay, little Val-en-tine
Sta-a-a-a-a-a-yyyyy!”

Tracy Morgan: You make me feel like the Lion King!

Jennifer Garner:
“Each day is Val-en-ti-i-i-i-ine’s Da-a-a-a-a-ayyy!”

Thanks, guys! Thanks, Valentines! We’ve got a great show tonight, Beck is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

When The Lights Come Up

Guy…..Jimmy Fallon
Girl…..Jennifer Garner
Girl under light…..Fred Armisen
Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Ernie…..Tracy Morgan
Ernie under light…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on interior, ]

Guy: And then what happened?

Girl: And then.. I looked down.. and I had the wrong dog!

[ they both laugh hysterically ]

Guy: That’s why she wouldn’t say it!

Girl: Yeah!

Guy: Man! It’s so fun hanging out with you! You’re so cool.

Girl: Oh, thanks! So are you.

Bartender: Last call, everybody! Last call!

Girl: [ looks at watch ] Oh, my God, it’s almost four o’clock! I can’t believe we talked this much!

Guy: Let’s go somewhere else! Do you like pancakes?

Girl: I love pancakes!

Guy: Great. I know this place on 15th and 2nd, it’s a great diner.

Girl: Okay!

Guy: Yeah?

Girl: Uh.. you know what kind of pancakes I love?

Bartender: Everybody out!! Here ocme the lights!! [ flips the lights on ]

[ with the lights on in full, Girl doesn’t look as attractive as she did in the semi-dark ]

Girl under light: Blueberry pancakes. But only when they use real blueberries, not like compost.

Guy: [ freaked out by the reality of thesituation ] Gahhhh!! Gahh!

Girl under light: Don’t you hate it when they turn on these lights? I mean, you feel like you’re put so together, and.. suddenly you’re not?

Guy: No, actually.. actually, you look great.. you look great.. [ turns to face the Bartender ] Davie? Can you turn the lights back down, just for a minute, please? Be a guy? Thanks!

Bartender: Fine! [ turns the lights down ]

Guy: Yeah, thanks.

[ with the lights down again, Girl returns to looking attractive ]

Girl: Can we walk it from here?

Guy: Uh.. yes! Real close, 15th at 2nd.

Girl: You know.. gosh.. I never say this, but.. [ sighs ] What if we just got the goodnight kiss over with now, so we can relax?

Guy: Like, in “Annie Hall”?

Girl: [ excited ] That’s my favorite movie!

Guy: Me, too!

Girl: No way!

Guy: Yeah!

Girl: [ a beat ] So, we’re agreed?

Guy: Yeah..

[ they lean in for a kiss ]

Bartender: Take it outside, people! [ flips the lights on again ]

[ once again, Girl doesn’t look as attractive with the lights up as she did in the semi-dark ]

Guy: [ opens his eyes from kiss, noticing the difference made by the lighting ] Gah gah goo! Gahhh!!! [ backs away quick ]

Girl under light: [ happy ] That was so nice.. your lips are so soft.

Guy: Yeah.. yeah.. yeah, I might be more drunk than I thought.. Maybe we should skip the pancakes, and go another time. What do you think?

Girl under light: You sure?

Guy: Yeah.. You-you know what? Hold on a minute.. [ picks up pool cue, and stretches it across the bar so he can flip the lights back off; Girl returns to a state of beauty in the darkened room ]

Girl: Isn’t that guy gonna get mad at you!

Guy: Uh, no.. I’m a regular! [ changes subject ] You’re very pretty.. right?

Girl: Thank you!

Guy: I mean.. I love your, I love your-your pretty face.. I want to hold on to your.. pretty face, until.. until the sun comes..

[ Bartender flips the lights back on, returning Girl to her less than attractive appearance ]

Guy: ..aaaggghhh!! Aaaggghhh, god-damn!

Girl under light: [ swooning ] That’s so romantic..

Guy: Yeah..

Girl under light: [ chipper ] Ready to go?

Guy: Just give me one second, okay? [ rushes to the bar, drinking all the leftover beer from the bottoms of various glasses and steins abandoned across the counter from patrons who’ve already gone home; under the guise of his beer goggles, Girl has returned to her normal, attractive self ]

Girl: [ laughing ] What are you doing!

Guy: [ coughing ] What did you say? [ squints his eyes at Girl, but the excessive lighting returns to the grim reality to his vision ]

Girl under light: I said, what are you doing?!

Guy: Uh.. just goofing around! Uh, you know what, let’s forget that pancakes.. uh.. I know a dark burrito place we can go to.

[ Ernie appears from a darkened corner of the bar, pushing a mop across the floor ]

Ernie: You two get home safe. Good night!

Girl under light: Thank you! Good night!

[ Girl and Guy exit the bar ]

Ernie: [ smiling ] Oh, you know, there ain’t nothin’ like two people in love, right?

Bartender: Yeah. So, uh.. you ready for a little after-hours party, Ernie?

[ Ernie, who has now wandered into a better-lit area of the bar with his mop, now has the appearance of an attractive woman ]

Ernie under light: I sure am.

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner: We would like to say “Thank you!” to Beck! And thank you all! Happy Valentine’s Day! I had a great time, thank you so much! Goodbye!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Clappin’

Woman…..Rachel Dratch
Man…..Horatio Sanz

[ commercial parody is interspersed with scenes of the Clappin’ group clapping like wild ]

Announcer: From the producers of Stomp and Blast, it’s Broadway’s hottest new sensation: “Clappin'”!

USA Today calls it the “most groundbreaking theater to come along so far in 2003. Put your hands together for “Clappin'”!”

[ cut to pair of attendees ]

Woman: Usually, I don’t unerstand musicals. But, um.. this is great! Three hours of nothing but clapping!

[ show more scenes of clapping ]

Announcer: The Chicago Tribune calls it “high energy.. loud.. clap-filled.”

You’ll get caught red-handed having a good time! Unlike anything you’ve ever witnessed before. Three hours of non-stop clappin’!

And the finale, representing the clapping style of foreign lands.

[ cut to male attendee ]

Man: Oh, my God, they were amazing! I don’t know how they did it, they were just, like.. [ mimicks skillful clapping moves ]

Announcer: It’s not a play.. it’s not dance.. it’s Clappin’!

At the Charles Street Playhouse. For tickets, call Tele-Charge, or log on to clappintheperformancesensation.com.

Clappin’!

Clappin’! Ohhhh, so good!

SNL Transcripts