Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President George W. Bush sitting behind desk in Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. More than a year ago, this administration begin a sustained effort to rid the world, once and for all, of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein and his.. weapons of mass destruction. Throughout this process, as we’ve attempted to use diplomatic means to achieve our goal, we’ve met steady resistance. Not only from the Iraqi regime, but often from our own European allies. But we’ve persisted, because we thought the cause was too important, and the stakes too high to give up.
However, as of early this afternoon, it is no longer this administration’s policy to use diplomatic pressure to force Iraq to disarm. As of that time, this administration has officially lost interest in disarming Iraq. And now no longer cares whether Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction or not. I mean it! [ chuckles ] We just don’t care any more!
Now.. to those who have followed our public statements over the past fourteen months, this shift in policy will probably come as a surprise. But, last night as I was watching Belgium’s ambassador to the U.N. read his statement in response to the second report from the weapons inspectors.. and, in case you missed it, it was a heck of a presentation, a real humdinger! But somethnig he said struck me, and I turned to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, and I said, “Tell me the truth, guys.. how much do you really care if Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?” And they told me, “Honestly, Mr. President – and, don’t be angry – but, at this point, we have no strong opinion either way.” “I know exactly what you mean,” I said. So then we called Dick Cheney to get his take, and that was the clincher! He said that, frankly, he’d always liked Iraq, and weapons of mass destruction. But he had backed policy because he wanted to be a team player. So, we all got talking, and.. half-an-hour later, we had a new Iraq policy. Which, basically, came down to the fact that we’re tired of thinknig about Saddma Hussein, and, as far as we’re concerned, he can pretty much do what he wants. We’re still not happy about him having weapons of mass destruction, and, possibly funneling them to terrorist groups.. but, let’s face it – that’s his business, and we’re staying out of it.
Now, of course, if some.. “private” organization, such as Greenpeace or the Red Cross or the Knights of Columbus wants to disarm Iraq.. they are more than welcome. And they can go over there and pressure the Iraqis to give up their weapons of mass destruction – if they actually have them, which, let’s be honest.. we don’t know for sure.
So, then. What’s next for this administration? Obviously, we’ve been focusing pretty much exclusively on Iraq for the last year, so we’ll need to retool. The first order of business is probably a vacation – say five to six months – after which, we can come back fresh, with a whole new agenda. Although, nationally, we will have to deal with the Iraqis, because, I’ll tell you – we’ve got some serious diplomatic fence-mending to do with them. But.. whatever our new agenda involves, I promise you.. we’ll think it through in advance, and, this time, we’ll stick with it.
In closing, I apologize for wasting everyone’s time on Iraq. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Wake Up Wakefield Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) receives a surprise at after school Valentine’s Dance. Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.
Saddam calls Osama Saddam Hussein (Horatio Hanz) calls Osama bin Laden (Jimmy Fallon) and rambles. Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden.
Invitation To Love Actress (Garner) is frustrated during scene with gayish male lead (Chris Kattan).
Siamese Twins Roommates (Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan) have date with twins (Garner, Rachel Dratch).
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Burt Bacharach (Jeff Richards) comments on Iraq with rhyming meters. Tracy Morgan’s Black History rant is interrupted by technical difficulties. Chris Parnell sings secret-agent rap ditty for Garner.
Beck performs “Lost Cause”
Michael Jackson In A Tree Liz Taylor (Rachel Dratch) tries to talk Jackson (Amy Poehler) down as UFO lands.
Beck performs “Guess I’m Doin’ Fine”
Wal-Mart Greeters Greeters (Garner, Amy Poehler) scare customers with descriptions of Wal-Mart’s size.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Joseph Jackson…..Tracy Morgan Patrick Kelly…..Will Forte Gunther Kelly…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.
Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge officially upgraded the nation to Terror Alert Level Orange. [ SUPER: “Happy Orange Alert!” ] Hey! Happy Orange Alert, everybody!
[ Tina and Jimmy begin dancing to “One Time We’re Going To Celebrate” ]
Tina Fey: In a documentary that aired on “20/20” this Thursday, Michael Jackson discussed his fondness for kids, saying, “I have slept in a bed with many children. I am Peter Pan in my heart.. and Pinocchio in my pants.”
During Thursday night’s interview, Jackson claimed to have had no plastic surgery on his face, except for two nose jobs. But, here at Weekend Update, we have put together a photo compilation of Michael that seems to prove otherwise. Here is Michael today.. [ holds up current photo of Michael Jackson ] This is Michael a year ago.. [ holds up older photo of Michael ] Here is Michael in 1995.. [ holds up photo of LaToya ] This is Michael in ’92.. [ holds up photo of Janet ] Here’s Michael in 1988.. [ holds up photo of Keisha Knight Pulliam ] And, finally, here is Michael as a child. [ holds up photo of basketball player ] You know, maybe we telling the truth, actually.. I don’t know. Oh, and also, we have used computer-generated imagery to hypothesize what Michael will look like ten years from now. Okay, check this out. [ holds up photo of sock puppet with eyes ] He looks pretty good!
A Missouri man has been sentenced to five years in jail for stealing Nicolas Cage’s Porsche. Meanwhile, Cage himself roams the streets unpunished for “Captain Corelli’s Mandalin”.
This week, the Pentagon released a $380 billion military budget for this year, that does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagon officials, if President Bush wants a war, he’ll just have to get a summer job and pay for it himself.
After Colin Powell’s presentations to the UN Security Council, showing evidence of Iraqi biological weapons, Baghdad called the satellite photos nothing different than “cartoon films”. They were undoubtedly referring to the popular Iraqi cartoon show “Anthrax the Squirrel and the Mobile Laboratory Fun Bunch”.
Actress Lara Flynn Boyle is reportedly vying for the role of Lois Lane in the newest Superman movie. I don’t know, Lara. Her name is “Lois” Lane, not “Fat Ass” Lane. Hit the treadmill, and we’ll talk.
Tina Fey: [ laughing harder than the audience at Jimmy’s joke ] Since “20/20” aired the Michael Jackson interview Thursday night, there’s been an enormous public response. Here commenting for the first time sicne the interview, is Michael Jackson’s father Joseph Jackson.
Joseph Jackson: Hi, Tina. Hi, Jimmy. Thank you for letting me have my say!
Tina Fey: Mr. Jackson, what did you think about Michael’s interview?
Joseph Jackson: It was riduckalous! Tina, people said I was crazy ’cause I named my son Tito! That freaker dude named his kid blanket! What’s he gonna nae his next kid?! Sleeping bag?!
Tina Fey: So, you don’t approve of the way Michael is raising his children?
Joseph Jackson: It’s riduckalous! Those kids got it too easy! They need to get jobs!
Tina Fey: But the oldest one is only five..
Joseph Jackson: Well, boo-hoo! Let me tell you – all my kids had full-time jobs by the time they were five! And if they didn’t like it.. [ whips his belt off of his pants ] ..they could talk to my belt! I still use my belt on all my kids, except for Marlon ’cause he got a bad back! And not LaToya or Michael, ’cause I swear for God those two scare the bejeezus out of me!
Tina Fey: [ laughing ]
Joseph Jackson: Ooh! One time.. I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold-plated La-Z-Boy chair, LaToya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats! I would like to say, I almost crapped my drawers!
Jimmy Fallon: So, so you did crap your drawers, is that what you’re saying?
Joseph Jackson: Don’t you sass me, Jimmy Fallon! Don’t you do it! I’ll put you over my knee and beat you ’til candy come out!
Tina Fey: Well, uh.. thank you for being here, Mr. Jackson. Thank you..
Joseph Jackson: [ angered ] Don’t you tell me when to leave! I will leave when I damn well feel like leaving! [ a beat ] Now, I feel like leaving now. [ looks offscreen ] Jermaine! Get the car!
Tina Fey: Joe Jackson, everybody.
In Kansas this week, over a hundred fish were found dead in the Baker wetlands, and local environmentalists feared that someone may have deliberately killed them. In response, President Bush said that now we have no choice but to go to war with Iraq.
A man named Russell Cialis is suing a drug company to stop them from naming their new impotency drug Sialis. I just hope he has better luck than Doug and Edna Vagisil.
Jimmy Fallon: Nokia announced this week that it will launch a handheld video game system that’s also a cell phone. Too bad I already beat them to it. [ holds up a cell phone taped to a Playstation 2; it rings, and Jimmy holds it to his ear ] Hello? Yes. Oh, okay. [ hangs up ] Apparently, I’m an idiot.
Crunch Gym is offering a new training program called Meet Your Match, which combines exercise classes with singles dating activities. And you thought you already worked hard not to fart during yoga.
Yesterday, in the Nicauraguan capitol of Managua, boxing promoter Don King was given the key to the city. Then, when the citizens of Managua woke up the next morning, they found that the city was gone.
An Austrailian man won the 26th Annual Empire State Building Run-Up Tuesday, taking just nine-and-a-half minutes to run up the 86 floors to the observation deck. Nobody was more suprised than the handyman caught masturbating on the 73rd floor stairwell.
Tina Fey: President Bush recently unveiled his new tax plan, and it’s very, very complicated. To help make sense of it, please welcome, from H&R Block, Patrick & Gunther Kelly.
Patrick Kelly: Hello, everyone. Uh.. the new tax laws for 2003 include a lot of rule changes. There are cuts for the dividend tax, as well as capital gains. It’s very complex.
Gunther Kelly: With the tax season coming up, as a public service, we’ve composed a little song to help the average American learn everything you need to know about the new tax guidelines. It’s educational, and fun.
Patrick Kelly: So pay attemtion, here’s “The Tax Code Song”! Listen carefully!
[ music plays ]
Gunther Kelly: [ singing ] Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do Uh-oh do-do-do-do da dum!”
Patrick Kelly: [ singing ] Ahhhhhh-ahhhhhh-ahhhh! Ahhhhh-ahhhhhhh-ahhhhh…!”
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Colin Powell…..Darrell Hammond German Delegate…..Chris Parnell Translator’s Voice for German Delegate…..Maya Rudolph French Delegate…..Jimmy Fallon Chinese Delegate…..Chris Kattan Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate…..Paula Pell Iceland Delegate…..Amy Poehler Russian Delegate…..Rachel Dratch Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate….. Chilian Delegate…..Fred Armisen Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate…..Jim Downey Syrian Delegate…..Horatio Sanz Cameroon Delegate…..Dean Edwards
[ open on wide shot of United Nations Security Council, with SUPER: “Special Session United Nations Security Council, February 5th, 2003” ]
[ dissolve to close-up of Colin Powell ]
Colin Powell: Distinguished colleagues, you have now seen the evidence. After twelve long years, the Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein still refuses to honor its obligations under U.N. Security Council Resolution 687, and it is clear that, absent the threat of force, it has no intention.. of ever doing so. The time for delay has passed; it’s time to act. Thank you.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Thank you, Secretary Powell, for a very compelling presentation. After hearing it, no member of this council can doubt the gravity of the situation in Iraq. Clearly, the most important thing right now is to do nothing. And the sooner, the better. Does the delegate from France wish to comment?
[ cut to French Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: I, too, commend Secretary Powell on his program here today. Very enjoyable. And those weapons of mass destruction – so unnecessary. But, to conclude our business here today, my government would like to propose the following: That we adjourn this special session of the security council, and all go to lunch at an extremely expensive restaurant, with the U.N. picking up the tab.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.
[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: It is the position of my government, that the representatives of the fifteen-member nations of the U.N. Security council – and their friends – now go to lunch at Le Grenoui, with the United Nations paying the exorbitant cost. I yield to the delegate from Iceland.
[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Forgive me, but my government would like to point out that the members of the U.N. Security Council always go to Le Grenoui after an emergency session. I propose that we instead go to Less Banas, in the St. Regis Hotel, for our U.N. provided lunch.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: But is Less Banas expensive enough?
[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Definitely. With drinks, appetizer, and tip, the United Nations will not get out of there for less than $300 per person.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Would the delegate from France like a ride to the restaurant in my stretch limosine, that the United Nation provides?
[ cut to French Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: There may not be room. Since the U.N. is paying for it, I wanted to bring my wife and two of my mistresses. Also my son, who is visiting from boarding school, and his mistress. Plus, my drug dealer and his girlfriend, a prostitute.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Oh. Then you probably should go in your own U.N. provided stretch limosine, or, perhaps, two stretch limosines. The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.
[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: My government has a proposal. Instead of going in other delegates’ stretch limosines, I suggest that each of us, and each of our guests, go in his own stretch limosine. It will waste more money, and will enable us to tie up midtown traffic more effectively. I yield to the delegate from the Russian federation.
[ cut to Russian Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate: I propose that, when we’re inside having lunch, we double-park our stretch limosines outside. Also, that we leave the engines running, since the U.N. is paying for the gas.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Does the delegate from Chile wish to comment?
Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But if we double-park our limosines outside the restaurant, won’t our stretch limosines be ticketed?
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Is the delegate from Chile joking?
Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: Of course I’m joking!
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The delegate from Chile had me going there!
Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But may my government offer a suggestion? When we double-park our U.N.-provided stretch limosines, we should double-park them perpendicular to the other cars, rather than parallel. That way, we can totally shut down 5th Ave. I yield to the delegate from Syria.
[ cut to Syrian Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for Syrian Delegate: In view of our diplomatic immunity.. I would like to propose that, after lunch, we all head to Cartier for an afternoon of shoplifting.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: That is the best idea I’ve heard all day. The Chair recognizes the delegate from Cameroon.
[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]
Cameroon Delegate: [ speaks English ] I ask the Chair: Does our diplomatic immunity cover aggravated kidnapping and arson?
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: No.
[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]
Cameroon Delegate: [ dejected ] Oh.. Well, my idea won’t work.
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Any other proposals? [ no more proposals come forth ] Well, in my view, this was an extremely productive session. Secretary Powell, your thoughts?
[ cut to Colin Powell, expression of horror on his face due to the vicious scheming of the world delegates ]
[ cut to German Delegate ]
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Alright, then. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on anti-war rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial ]
Protest Leader: Yeah. We’re here today, on the steps of Lincoln Memorial, to send a message to the war hawks – or, should I say, chicken hawks – right here in Washington, D.C.! For diplomacy.. for.. no.. war.. in Iraq!
[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: Yeah! That’s right! That’s right! You see, the Bush administration.. must know the reason.. for this protest. We demonstrate for peace!My voice.. your voice.. thousands of voices! Rising up as one!
[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Gay Protestor #1: [ raising his voice above the cheers ] We’re HERE! We’re QUEER! Get USED to it!
Protest Leader: [ dismayed at the unexpected outburst ] No, no, no, no, no, no, not exactly! But, yes! We are people from all walks of life, who are coming together today for a single purpose, yeah!
Gay Protestor #1: For GAY RIGHTS!
Protest Leader: No. Not gay rights.
Gay Protestor #1: You’re against gay rights?!
Gay Protestor #2: Homophobe!
Protest Leader: That’s not.. that not what I meant. I support gay rights, alright? But today – today, people – we are gathered here to protest the Bush administration’s.. illegal war!
Stoned Protestor #1: [ in another unexpected, perhaps malicious, outburst ] Yeahh!! Drugs should be LEGAL!!
Stoned Protestor #2: Stop the drug war!
Protest Leader: No! Not that war!
Stoned Protestor #2: You know, they use hemp to make rope!
Protest Leader: Yes, I know that! Alright? But that is not what we’re here for today! Alright, we have one purpose today!
Whale Protestor: SAVE THE WHALES!!
Protest Leader: Oh, come on, man! That’s so old school! I don’t even think the whales are in trouble any more!
Whale Protestor: With that attitude, they are!
Protest Leader: Hey! Can everybody sit with me a minute?! Alright?! We are talking about.. Iraq!
Whale Protestor: Don’t send the whales to Iraq!!
Protest Leader: [ with teeth clenched ] Nobody wants to send any whales to Iraq, man! Alright, it’s not about that! It’s about not sending our children into war!
Pro-Life Protestor #1: [ in yet another unexpected and inappropriate outburst ] And the UNBON CHILDREN!! Save the UNBORN CHILDREN!!
Pro-Life Protestor #2: YEAH! Save them for FUTURE WARS!!
Protest Leader: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, listen, listen.. will the pro-lifers please stick to the program! Alright, regardless of what the White says.. we know what this war’s really about. Don’t we? It’s about.. oil.
Whale Protestor: Whale oil??
Protest Leader: No.
Pro-Life Protestor #1: BABY OIL??
Protest Leader: NO!!
Gay Protestor #1: Sex oil!
Protest Leader: [ outraged by all the needless outbursts ] NO!! It’s NOT ?? OIL!!
Confused Protestor: Stop killing our babies for their precious oil!!
Protest Leader: Are you talking about baby whales?!
Whale Protestor: No! I’m the whale guy!
Protest Leader: Oh. Sorry.
Confused Protestor: I was talking about ACTUAL BABIES!!
Protest Leader: Lady.. nobody makes oil out of babies.
Confused Protestor: [ a beat ] ..Realize that now!
Protest Leader: Okay..
Confused Protestor: Just got carried away!
Protest Leader: Okay. Now.. everybody. Can you work with me? Can you work with me? Can we get back on track here?
Female Protestor: Right! We must FEED THE CHILDREN!!
Stoned Protestor #2: YEAHHH!!! Feed ’em to the WHALES!!
Protest Leader: Hey! We need to show our government – and the world – that we’re being united here for one cause! Can we do that?!
[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: Yes! Yes! A cause for respect for human life everywhere!
[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: That every man is our brother! That every woman is our sister!
Pro-Life Protestors: Except the SMOKERS!!
Black Protestor: YEAH!! DOWN WITH THE SMOKERS!!
Gay Protestor #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to.. [ thinking ] ..Smokesylvania!
Protest Leader: [ losing control again ] Alright..
Stoned Protestor #2: It’s okay to smoke WEED, though!!
Stoned Protestor #1: Yeahh!! It’s an herb! You can make rope out of it!
Protest Leader: You said that already!
Stoned Protestor #1: [ thinking ] Noooo! [ points to his buddy ] He said it last time!
Protest Leader: You know what.. everybody, just get with me for a second!! Alright, we’re not making rope!! We’re trying to stop a war! We’re trying to keep innocent people out of harm’s way!
Whale Protestor: Then, legalize porn!!
Protest Leader: Sir, it is legal.. okay?
Whale Protestor: Not the kind I like..
Protest Leader: Hey! You can’t just do a big scattershot protest with everyone’s personal agenda like this! Alright? Can we all just.. focus on why we gathered out here today, in front of Lincoln Memorial?!
Pro-Life Protestor #2: FREE LINCOLN!!!
Protest Leader: Free him from WHAT?! His GRAVE?!!
[ the crowd boos angrily, ready to attack the Protest Leader ]
Gay Protestor #1: [ weeping ] You should be sorry about that!
Whale Protestor: What are you joking down Lincoln for?!
Protest Leader: I’m not jumping down Lincoln, okay? My bad! I was out of line! But, people.. please.. can you hear me out? Can you let me say one thing, alright?! Here we go! Stay with me! Our.. elected leaders.. are marching us straight into a war without any consideration for our opinions. Without any consideration for our votes, for our say!
[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]
Protest Leader: That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! Stay with me, stay with me.. Our freedoms are being taken away! And this whole situation with Iraq is to blame for it! So.. come on everybody! What do we say?
Jarret….Jimmy Fallon Goby….Horatio Sanz Dave Wooderson….Matthew McCounaughey Jeff….Jeff Richards DJ Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers Girls…..Dixie Chicks
[Computer screen beeps. Web cam comes alive with Jarret’s show. Jarret’s dreadlocks are red]
Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire college. Valentine’s Day is a week away and I’m totally ready! Check it out, red hair. By the way, when the directions on your hair dye say “do not use near genitals”, that’s not a suggestion. Don’t learn that the hard way. Ok, now give it up for our house band! DJ Johnathan Feinstein!
[whips camera towards Johnathan, he is dressed like a member of ZZ Top’s, “Legs” plays]
DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Yeah, take it away, Jarret!
Jarret: Dude, just because it’s retro, doesn’t mean it’s cool.
DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Fair enough.
[Jarret whips the camera back on himself]
Jarret: All right. Now please welcome, my best friend and roommate, Goby!
[Goby laughs and holds up a Ballantine’s bottle]
Goby: [singing] You can grow your own weed! Grow your own weed!
Jarret: That Fleetwood Mac?
Goby: I don’t know! It is Cadillac! Happy Ballantine’s Day everybody!
Jarret: Yeah, I get it, I get it…Ballantine’s Day, like Valentine’s Day.
Goby: What’s Valentine’s Day?
Jarret: You got problems, dude. All right, this next guy is like my personal hero. He’s the only guy that’s been a student at Hampshire longer than me and Goby. Please welcome, Dave Wooderson.
[camera whips to the door, spaced out thirty-something hippie enters, DJ Johnathan Feinstein plays “Legs”]
Dave Wooderson: All right, all right, all right.
Jarret: What’s going on, man?
Dave Wooderson: I’ll tell you what, bro’. Throwing a rager up on Schneider’s Hill. We got two ponies of Natty light. Some Bacardi breezers for the ladies. And my buddy Tobey is going to be renting his van by the half hour. Check this, man. He just had shag carpet installed, so its real easy on the knees.
Jarret: So, dude what are you now? You’re like 30?
Dave Wooderson: No, I’m 33 years young, bro’. Me, Jesus Christo and Larry Bird. Heh, heh, heh.
Jarret: For those of you who don’t know, Wooderson here has been going to Hampshire since 1984. We got some pictures to prove it.
[Jarret clicks some keys]
[80’s photo of Wooderson leaning on a car dressed and looking exactly the same]
Dave Wooderson: Oh, check that, man. That’s from my first day at school. We just came from seeing “Teen Wolf”. Boy, you should’ve seen that wolf dance. [90’s photo, the same pose, only difference is Wooderson’s hair and baggy clothes] Oh, right on, man. That’s 91. That was my Vanilla Ice phase. Learned some nice dance moves then.
[Photo of Wooderson surrounded by a mob of people]
Jarret: What’s happening in that one?
Dave Wooderson: Righteous, man. That’s all my roommates over the years, man. Those are 384 good dudes, man. Good times.
Jarret: Cool.
Goby: Ha! ha! Check it out! [holds up the bottle] Read it and weep! Ballantine’s Day! In your face!
Jarret: Dude, Ballantine is—forget it.
[Dumb jock enters]
Jeff: Shut up out there, nerds! I’m trying to work out!
Jarret: Yeah, right. You’re working out, all right. You normally work out naked watching scrambled cable?
Jeff: What? Shut up. Hey, Wooderson. [leaves]
Dave Wooderson: Hey Jeffro.
Jarret: You know Jeff?
Dave Wooderson: Oh yeah, man. That’s my nephew.
Jarret: Oh, that reminds me. We totally found a video Valentine Jeff is gonna send to his girlfriend back home. Gotta see this.
[Jarret clicks some keys, video appears of Jeff shirtless, he has a glittery bow and arrow, angel wings on his back]
Jeff: [sings] You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man, I don’t care how you get here, just get here if you can…
[back to Jarret’s room]
Jarret: What a bonehead!!!
Dave Wooderson:[moved] No, man. He may be a bonehead but you can tell he means it.
Jarret: Yes, I guess so.
Girls: Hey!
[Three cute girls sit around Wooderson]
Jarret: Dude, you got us dates for the party, dude?!
Dave Wooderson: No, man. These chicks are with me. [One girl puts a cigarette in Dave’s mouth] What can I say, friends? There’s nothing sweeter than the life of a 33 year old college sophomore. Tell you what Jarret, Goby, I got to get moving on here so you just all keep living.
Jarret: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. DJ Johnathan Feinstein take us out dude!
Barton: Uhh.. you know, Jolie, I gotta tell ya.. for a blind date, I think this is going really well.
Jolie: [ laughs ] I know! No awkward pauses!
[ they both laugh at the joke, leaving themselves wide open for a short pause ]
Barton: Oops! There’s one right there! [ they laugh again ] Just kidding! Just kidding!
Jolie: So, uh.. you went to Morehouse College?
Barton: Oh no, thats a black college. I went to Grambling.
Jolie: So, uh.. so, when did you graduate?
Barton: [ a beat ] Guess how old I am.
Jolie: Oh.. alright. I’m gonna say you’re.. 34.
Barton: 34?! That’s it exactly! Look at you, Miss Impressive!
Jolie: [ amazed at her perceptive ability ] Alright, guess how old I am!
Barton: No, no, no, no, I don’t do that. No, I’m a bad guesser, a really bad guesser.
Jolie: Oh, come on, silly! Just guess!
Barton: No, I’m telling you, I’m really bad at this..
Jolie: Oh, go ahead, Barton!
Barton: Okay.. [ sighs ] Here goes.. I believe that you are.. [ thinking ] ..48.
Jolie: [ stunned ] What?!
Barton: Ohh, you see? I told you, I suck at this! I’m not good at this!
Jolie: 48?! You’re not serious, right?
Barton: No, no, you’re right, you’re right, bad guess, bad guess.. Let me try this again.
Jolie: Okay. [ chuckles ]
Barton: You’re 49!
Jolie: [ outraged ] No! I’m not 49! I’m much younger that 49!
Barton: Okay, okay.. 47.
Jolie: No.
Barton: 46.
Jolie: Mmm-hmm.
Barton: 45?
Jolie: No!
Barton: 50?
Jolie: No! I’m the same age as you, I’m 34!
Barton: Oh. Okay. You know what? We’re not getting off to as good as a start as I thought.. you know, let me try this, let me try this.. I’m not very good.. at guessing ages, okay? But what I do have a talent for.. is guessing weight.
Jolie: [ excited by the prospect ] Really!
Barton: I do! I want to get us back in the groove here again, so I’m gonna guess your weight. I’ve seen you, I’ve walked around with you, I’m looking at you right now.. and I’m gonna say that you are weighing in at an evennn.. 185.
Jolie: [ outraged ] What?!
Barton: 200?
Jolie: You’re joking, right?
Barton: No. You know I’m right, cutie! Come on. Two hundo.
Jolie: I.. I don’t weight two hundo!
Barton: Okay, maybe you don’t weight two hundo.. but I betcha.. that your license.. says 195.
Jolie: [ sighs exasperation ] That is nowhere near correct! I can’t believe you said 195! Geesh!
Barton: Bartohn strikes out again. Okay.. I’ll tell you what. I’ve got an idea.. I’ve got an idea.. Let me draw your portrait.
Jolie: [ excited by the prospect ] Really! Okay!
Barton: Maybe I can shut my big mouth, huh! [ they laugh, as he pulls out a drawing pad ]
Jolie: I never had my portrait drawn by a professional artist!
Barton: Well, it’s about to happen. Let me tell you a little secret: I don’t do these for just anybody. Only people I am very endeared to.
Jolie: [ flattered ] Okay, well..
Barton: Now, to make a really nice portrait, I’m going to have to ask you a couple of personal questions, okay? Like, what are your hobbies?
Jolie: Oh. Well, um.. I like skiing, and tennis.
Barton: [ piqued by her hobbies ] You do? Maybe we can do that on a second date? A little surf-n-turf, huh?
Jolie: [ giggles ] Sounds great!
Barton: Alright.
Jolie: We’ll have to go out another time!
Barton: [ finishes up the portrait ] Who-aoa! Oh, look at you! And.. and.. and.. and.. [ tears sheet from drawing pad, holds up stick drawing of fat woman holding skis and tennis racket ] Done!
Jolie: [ annoyed and outraged ] Oh, my God!
Barton: Yes! The attention to the detail
Jolie: Are you crazy?! This.. looks.. nothing like me!
Barton: What? What’s the problem with it?
Jolie: Oh, my God..
Barton: Okay, you know what? Okay, let me try again. Just give me another chance. One more chance, okay? [ thinking ] Let me guess.. how many men you’ve slept with.
Jolie: [ more annoyed than ever ] Oh, come on!
Barton: Come on, come on, come on, come on.. [ thinking ] 959.
Jarret’s Room 33-year old Sophomore (McConaughey) enjoys the lasting college life. Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein, Jeff.
Anti-War Rally Demonstrator (McConaughey) can’t assemble an organized crowd for protest.
The Dixie Chicks perform “Traveling Soldier”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Joe Jackson (Tracy Morgan) comments on how Michael raises children. Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing tax-help song.
Clubb Traxx Eurotrash singer Chrome (McConaughey) delights anti-war teen music enthusiasts.
Office Stories Rowdy (McConaughey) uses office schlep (Chris Kattan) to illustrate his bar stories.
Second Time Around Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) interviews pyramid schemer (McConaughey). Recurring Characters: Glenda Goodwin.
The Dixie Chicks perform “Sin Wagon”
Matthew McConaugheys Red Hot Texas Chili McConaughey’s chili recipe gives him problem with gas.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte …..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
President Bush announced Wednesday that his administration would challenge an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, calling it “fundamentally flawed.” It’s nice to know that, while juggling Iraq, North Korea and economic reform, the President still has time to stick it to the black man. Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody!
Playboy is looking for women to star in a Girls of Starbuck pictorial. Ideally, they’re looking for vente girls with grande breasts.
It was reported that, while shooting the film “Gangs of New York”, actor Daniel Day-Lewis got into character as a violent murderer by listening to Eminem music. In a related story, Jerry O’Connell got into character for “Kangaroo Jack” by not saving any of the money he made on previous jobs.
[ show picture of former AOL-Time Warner chairman ] Welcome. You got fired!
The MTA will hold hearings next month to discuss ending the use of subway tokens in New York. Apparently, the only joy MTA workers get is watching people incorrectly swipe a metro card and then slam their groins into the turnstile. Sick people, they’re sick people!
Tina Fey: Guy Ritchie said in an interview this week that he and wife Madonna have not watched television in three years, to avoid seeing any unpleasant news stories about themselves. They have also stopped going to Walgreens, to avoid seeing “Swept Away” in the video bean- bin! In the video bin, between the chocolate Easter bunnies and the itch cream. I tripped on it a little bit, but it’s just a mean joke about Madonna! They won’t see it, they don’t watch TV!
Jimmy Fallon: This past Monday, Sen. Joe Lieberman announced his candidacy for the 2004 Presidential election. And, today, another high-profile politician announced that he’s running as well. Please welcome Tim Calhoun, everybody.
Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun.. and I am running for the office of President of America. You’re probably wondering why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America.. and that is why I am going to tell you why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America. I’ve got a lot of great ideas.
I propose a little more California, and a little less Mexico.
Whens there going to be a China person on the Supreme Court? I propose.. never.
I say we ask France if they want to trade the Eiffel Tower for the Grand Canyon.. but after they send us the Eiffel Tower, we don’t send them the Grand Canyon.
Horsey sex is bad. I want to make a law against that. Horseys are for riding.
Blind people think they’re so cool.
[ checking his note cards ]
I miss dinosaurs. Let’s do something about that.
In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, and I’ll turn unemployment into a shiny diamond.
Jimmy Fallon: Tim Calhoun for President, everybody! Good luck to you, buddy!
Tina Fey: A new solution to menstrual cramps, on the market, is Vipon, a vibrating, motorized tampon that shakes with a comforting frequency – unless you anger it. Then, Vipon go crazy, smash uterus!
Jimmy Fallon: A study reveals that dogs catching a frisbee use the same instinctive arithmetic as outfielders when they catch a fly ball.
Tina Fey: Bitch! I told you “Air Bud 2” was real!
Jimmy Fallon: Woman! It’s a movie!
Joan Rivers will not face charges for an incident in which she assaulted a clerk at a car rental agency. Rivers was so relieved by the news, she immediately scheduled an operation to have a smile installed.
This week, actor Tom Cruise was awarded $10 million in his lawsuit against a gay porn star, who claimed that they had a sexual encounter. The gay porn star could not be reached for comment because his mouth was very busy trying to earn $10 million.
Because they are sluggish and no longer amuse the public, a number of middle age chimpanzees in a German zoo are being sent to earlier retirement. Zoo officials said they knew the chimps were slowing down, when they started throwing their poop underhand.
Tina Fey: This week, the Bush administration filed two briefs with the Supreme Court. They claim that affirmative action programs at the University of Michigan were actually nothing more than racial quota systems in disguise, and were unconstitutional. Here to share his own views on affirmative action, is our own Tracy Morgan.
[ Tracy Morgan scoots up behind desk, dressed to the hilt like a Pimp Daddy ]
Tracy Morgan: Yup! Well, that’s the end of that! Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about, Jimmy and Tina Fey! Right after the President came out against affirmative action, I noticed I wasn’t in any sketches this week!ME!! Tracy Morgan! The STAR of this show!! Now, how do you explain that, Jim?!
Jimmy Fallon: I.. you didn’t really have a funny sketch this week..
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] I love you, Jim Fallon.. but you are one blind dude! Tina know! ‘Cause she was in on it! It was her, and lorne Michaels – they against affirmative action!
Tina Fey: Ah, ah.. no, Tracy.. I firmly stand behind affirmative action. I just think that in this case..
Tracy Morgan: Ah, nah! Don’t try your Jedi mind trick on me, Tina! You see, I’m a Jedi Master! I’m not gonna be the Connie Rice of this show! Did you see that, Jim?! Did you see where Bush and Cheney and Tina Fey tried to pull sweet, sweet Condi into this whole mess!
Jimmy Fallon: A little bit..
Tracy Morgan: She wasn’t with him, Jim!
Jimmy Fallon: Nope..
Tracy Morgan: She came out today! To-day! And she says she ain’t havin’ none of them! Yo, Con-di! Con-di! You know me, baby. Its Big Tray from the group home. [ singing ] “Do you remember the time.. we fell in love? Do you remember the time.. when we first met, gi-irl?”
Tina Fey: He’s singing Michael Jackson..
Tracy Morgan: Condoleeza! I know you remember me! Girl! Yuo gotta hollar at your boy Bush – set him straight! Once you talk to him.. Tina, Lorne, they gonna fall in line! And I’ll be back, heavy on the show! You know what I’m sayin’? Handle your business, girl! Hit me on the cellular! Peace in the Middle East, I’m out!
Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody! ,br>[ Tracy scoots away, off the set ]
Is he gone?
Jimmy Fallon: How did he find out?
Tina Fey: I don’t know.. I didn’t tell him.
Jimmy Fallon: Probably Bill Gates told him..
Tina Fey: Maybe Lorne told himm.. hmm..
[ moving on to final joke ]
Jimmy Fallon: Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free night.. uh.. clothes-free flight, from Miami.. uh, let me start this over.
Tina Fey: Start over!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! Alright, here we go.. this is gonna be great! Act surprised!
Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free flight from Miami to Cancun. Good God, that’s a huge set-up there.
Tina Fey: Wait. A naked airline? Are you thinking what I’m thinking.
Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. I think it’s time for a Weekend Update Joke-Off.
[ festive music plays, show title card ]
Okay, okay.. there’s an airline where all the passenger are naked! Ready? go! Uh.. more nuts? Yes! how did you know? [ slaps buzzer ]
Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. Careful! Your bags may have shifted during the flight! [ slaps buzzer ]
Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll look to your right, you’ll see some grand canyons! [ slaps buzzer ]
Tina Fey: Uh.. for the last time, Ma’am: vibrators are not an approved electronic device! [ slaps buzzer ]
Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. this is the only plane that has fourteen cockpits! [ slaps buzzer ]
Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. we’re about to land, please put your genitals in the upright and locked position! [ slaps buzzer ]
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, Tina Fey wins! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
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