Ray Liotta: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you very much! I gotta say, this week has been such a great experience! I mean, everyone here, they work so hard, it’s 24 hours ’round the clock, it’s up all night, it’s amazing, it is so cool! I’ve been hanging out with the entire cast the whole time – especially my man Jimmy! [ laughs ] Where is he? Where is he? [ looks to his right ] Hey! Jim-my! Jimmy Fallon! [ runs off-camera and pulls Jimmy Fallon into the shot ]
Jimmy Fallon: [ relunctant to join Liotta onstage ] How are ya’? Yeah, I gotta get going..
Ray Liotta: Man, we had fun last night, didn’t we?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah, right..
Ray Liotta: You left early, where’d you go?
Jimmy Fallon: It was 8 a.m. I went to sleep.
Ray Liotta: No, you didn’t! I waited for you in your apartment.
Jimmy Fallon: You were in my apartment?
Ray Liotta: Yeah, yeah! I busted the lock!
Jimmy Fallon: Sheesh..
Ray Liotta: I was waiting for you ’til, like, noon!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah..
Ray Liotta: That’s a pretty long time to wait!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I really gotta get going, Ray..
Ray Liotta: Okay, Jimbo. I’ll see you later. Hey! Have a good game!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ exits stage ]
Ray Liotta: You know what? I’m gonna get to know you people, too. We’re gonna be best friends. Just like me.. and Jimmy Fallon. Because I’m.. [ singing ] ..”Getting to know you.. getting to know al about you..” Hi! “Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me.” [ approaches Tracy Morgan and Chris Kattan near a staircase set in the studio ] Ah! Tracy and Kattan – hey! What’s up, guys!
[ Tracy Morgan and Chris Kattan flee the stage ]
Whoa! Alright, catch you guys later! You know, this is fun. You know why? Because I’m.. [ singing as he walks up stairs set to audience ] ..”Getting to know you.. putting it my way, but nicely.. you are precisely, my cup of tea.” [ is now standing amongst the upper-level audience members ] Look at all these people, these great people! Hi-i-iii! [ turns to woman ] Hi, where are you from?
Woman in Audience: Um.. I’m from North Carolina.
Ray Liotta: That’s great! I’m from New Jersey!
Man in Audience: [ interrupting ] I’m from New Jersey, too!
Ray Liotta: [ angered, music stops ] Sir.. was I talking to you? Huh? Did I say one word to you?
Man in Audience: N-no-o..
Ray Liotta: Sooo, you should not talk. right, sir? right? Is that clear?
Man in Audience: I.. I-I’m sorry..
Ray Liotta: I said.. don’t talk! Okay! Now, everybody – I want everybody to sing with me! I mean this, okay! And.. [ singing ] ..”Getting to know you.. getting to know all about you. Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me!” [ stops ] You know what? Jimmy. We gotta get Jimmy! Jimmy would love this! My friend Jimmy Fallon! Where’s my friend Jimmy Fallon?! Now, listen to me: when he cems out, everybody’s gotta sing even louder! Okay! Liuder, alright? Let me go find him!
[ Liotta runs back down to the first level, and searches backstage for Jimmy ]
Jimmy! Jimmy, where- oh, he’s probably in our favorite place! [ pulls back quick-dress curtain to reveal a laughing Jimmy Fallon ] Jimmy! Come on! Listen, everyone’s gonna sing here for us, okay?
Jimmy Fallon: Oh.. okay..
Ray Liotta: Ready? Everybody! And.. [ singing ] “Getting to know you.. getting to know all a-“ Come on! Come on! Sing!! “Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me..” Shhhh.. “Haven’t you noticed.. suddenly I’m bright and bree-eezy. Because of.. all.. the.. beautiful and new.. things.. I’m.. learning about you.. dayyyy.. byyyy.. dayyyy..”
We’ve got a great show! The Donnas are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Jimmy Fallon: [ excitedly ] He’s the best, we love him!
Ray Liotta: Shut up! [ punches Jimmy Fallon, knocks him to the ground ]
Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler Gelman…..Chris Kattan David Caruso…..Ray Liotta
Announcer: It’s “Live with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got the star of the hit CBS drama “CSI Miami, David Caruso; from Broadway’s “Man of La Mancha”, Brian Stokes Mitchell; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!
[ Regis and Kelly enters set and take their seats ]
Kelly Ripa: Morning!
Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, good morning, everybody! Let me start off-
Kelly Ripa: [ interrupting ] Good morning, what a great day, it’s snowing!
Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] A dear friend of mine-
Kelly Ripa: Don’t you love it when it snows in New York? It’s so romantic!
Regis Philbin: [ makes another stab at his story ] ..And a friend of mine is in the audience today. I’ve known him for over forty years.
Kelly Ripa: Wowwww.. I haven’t known anybody for four years!
Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] He calls me up one night around dinner time-
Kelly Ripa: Oh, like a telemarketer! Why do they always call at dinner time? Regis! Did you think he was a telemarketer?
Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Anyway, let me tell you. The phone rings, I see the Caller ID – do you have this on, do you have the Caller ID? It’s terrific!
Kelly Ripa: Yeah, you can use it to screen your calls.
Regis Philbin: Oh. [ begins his spiel, as Kelly talks amongst herself next to him ] The Caller ID says “Chester Lesko. I dn’t recognize the name, so I don’t answer it! That’s the kind of guy I am! I know he’s my friend, I’ve known him for forty years! But I know him as “Chicky”! I know him as Chicky Lesko! All my life, I thought his name was Chicky! I thought it was his real name! Anyway, he’s here today – so wonderful!
Alright. Now, I understand you brought some new pictures of the kiddies to show us.
Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is 16-month old..
Regis Philbin: Adorable!
Kelly Ripa: This is my 11-month old..
Regis Philbin: Adorable!
Kelly Ripa: This is my 7-month old..
Regis Philbin: So cute!
Kelly Ripa: And this is my 3-month old, she’s a wittle peanut!
Regis Philbin: Adorable! Oh, boy! [ points to Kelly’s pregnant stomach ] And when is this one due again?
Kelly Ripa: This one’s due any time now, and we found out this weekend that there’s one in there behind it that’s due in July!
Regis Philbin: She’s very fertile, this one! She’s delivered more babies than Dr. Kildare!
Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Who is that! Is that your doctor! [ laughs ]
Regis Philbin: Anyway.. how are you today, Gelman?
[ cut to Gelman standing in front of camera, wrapped in a feather boa ]
Gelman: I’m great, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Gelman! How was your weekend?
Gelman: Fine. My wife and I had dinner at Pestiff’s. Uh.. then I went to out a few clubs of my own, so..
Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Now, who’s our first guest today, Gelman?
Gelman: David Caruso.
Kelly Ripa: Ah! He was so good in “Jade”!
Regis Philbin: And “NYPD Blue” and “CSI”. boy, he’s got real charisma, this guy. He’s a regular James Cagney!
Kelly Ripa: Who is that! Nobody knows who that is, Reege!
Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Please welcome.. David Caruso!
[ David Caruso comes out and sits ]
David Caruso: Morning! Morning!
Regis Philbin: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. “CSI Miami” is back. You are hot, baby, you are on top!
Kelly Ripa: You are so believable on that show! [ to Regis ] Isn’t he believable?
David Caruso: [ humbly, yet annoyed ] Thank you. I feel very fortunate to have a project that was worthy of me.
Kelly Ripa: Like “Jade”! “Jade”.
Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t remember.. David was very popular on “NYPD Blue”. But he said, “I’m getting out of here. I’m too big for this,” and you left. You lerned your lesson, ’cause you were out of work for years! Ka-poot!
David Caruso: Actually, I made some films during that time, that I’m very, very proud of. “Cold Around The Heart”.. “Body Count”..
Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!
David Caruso: A film called “Swirly”.
Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!
David Caruso: “Deadlock”.
Regis Philbin: Nobody!
Kelly Ripa: I saw it. I didn’t like it! [ laughs at her inanity ]
Regis Philbin: But now you’re back, David – boy, with “CSI Miami”.. and, David, I gotta ask you, why did you fire Kim Delaney?
David Caruso: I didn’t fire her, Regis. Sometimes when a show is new, it takes time to find the right balance between me, the main character, and the other talking meat sticks.
Regis Philbin: You hated her guts, didn’t you, David?
David Caruso: No, not at all.
Regis Philbin: You got rid of her.
David Caruso: No, no, no.. the producers felt that-
Regis Philbin: How do you do it, David? When you have a co-host that drive you nuts, how do you get rid of her?!
Kelly Ripa: [ catching on, laughing ] Re-gis!
Regis Philbin: I mean, after fifty years in the business.. who do I have to schtuck to get my own show?!
David Caruso: It’ll come, it’ll come.. you have to trust your talent.
Regis Philbin: Tell me, Gelman – Gelman! Who do I have to schtuck?!
Gelman: [ chuckling, shakes head ] Don’t look at me, Reege!
Regis Philbin: Anyway.. Joy and I had Jerry and Elaine over for breakfast the other day – it was nothing fancy, just some Egg Beaters, some toast with Smart Balance.. and Big Jerry Orbach – you know, he’s tall – he said to me that he wanted-
[ in the middle of Regis’ story, Kelly suddenly gives birth to one of the children she was carrying in her stomach ]
Kelly Ripa: Ohhhh, it’s a boy! [ to her stomach ] You have a brother! [ baby is taken away ]
Regis Philbin: There goes my story! I’m trying to tell a story, she’s squeezing one out over here! [ to audience ] When we come back: Wild, Wild, Wild Trivia! David, do you like trivia?
David Caruso: [ fuming ] No.
Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Join us, for trivia!
The Hangman…..Ray Liotta Bart…..Will Forte Bart’s Wife…..Amy Poehler Grandma…..Rachel Dratch
Jingle: “He protects the region No honest man should fear him He’s swift to call for justice, he is.. The Hangman.”
Anouncer: “The Hangman”! In color!
[ dissolve to close-up on Hangman’s noose. camera pans to reveal Hangman speaking to criminal Bart from outside Bart’s cell ]
The Hangman: This could be your last meal, so enjoy it. When it comes sunrise, you belong to me.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
Bart: Don’t you worry. My family will figure out some way to come up with the money.
The Hangman: For your sake, they’d better!
Bart: Oh, they won’t let me down.. I just know it.
[ Bart’s Wife and Grandma enter ]
Bart’s Wife: Well, Bart.. we couldn’t raise the money. I fear tomorrow morning, you belong to.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
Grandma: It’s not over, child! The Lord will show us the way out of this dark valley.
Bart’s Wife: I hope you’re right, Grandma.
Bart: Please, Hangman.. I don’t want to die. I only stole that cow so I could get some milk for my younguns.
The Hangman: Well, I’m sorry, son. That cow belongs to Col. Blackstone, and he’s a mighty powerful man in these parts.
Bart’s Wife: But Col. Blackstone doesn’t deal out the justice in Stone Canyon. You do, Hangman. Isn’t there anything you can do?
Bart: Isn’t there anything you want?
The Hangman: Could you ladies excuse us for a second? [ the women exit ] I need to set you straight, partner! You don’t try to bribe.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
Bart: I’m sorry.. I-
The Hangman: I want you to hear something, and I want you to hear it good! I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman! Justice is my creed, and justice is my way of life!
Bart: I-I understand-
The Hangman: On the other hand.. I am incredibly horny! So.. maybe we could work something out, if ya.. get my drift.
Bart: [ unsteady ] I.. never made it with.. another man.. but I guess-
The Hangman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! not you, homo! I’m talking about that fine lady you brought with you.
Bart: Hangman, I don’t want to die. But my marriage is a sacred thing. I’m not sure my wife could ever forgive me if I asked her to lay with you..
The Hangman: A-gain! you’re getting waaay ahead of me! I am not a homewrecker! I don’t want you wife. [ a beat ] I want your grandma! [ laughs ]
Bart: Aw, man! That’s gross!
The Hangman: You’re not in a position to judge! I mean, what’s the big deal? I’s like the gray foxes! [ laughs sadistically ]
Bart: Come on, man! She’s 82!
The Hangman: 82 years.. young.
Bart: That didn’t make it sound better! You still want to have sex with my grandma!
The Hangman: It’s either that, or you swing from the gallows!
Bart: [ shaking head ] Oh.. I gotta talk to my wife about this.. Katie! Come here!
[ Bart’s Wife re-enters ]
Bart’s Wife: What is it, Bart?
Bart: Well.. the Hangman’s willing to let me go.. in exchange for sexual favors..
Bart’s Wife: [ willing without question ] Alright, Hangman! You’re in for the ride of your life!
Bart: [ outraged at her willingness ] Keep your bloomers on, Katie!
Bart’s Wife: I know it’s a big sacrifice.. but if he’s willing to let you go, I’ll do him and his buddies!
Bart: Wait! Who-who said anything about his buddies?! Hey, he doesn’t want you! He wants Grandma!
Bart’s Wife: [ now turned off ] Well, that’s gross! Hangman, please.
The Hangman: What?!
Bart’s Wife: Come on, you’re like 30! And she’s 82! And a ripe 82, at that! It’s not normal!
The Hangman: It’s more common than you think. Late at night, I get on the telegraph.. a lot of people are into older ladies! [ changes subject ] Anyway! That’s the only way Bart goes free!
Bart: [ relunctant ] Katie, she’s, uh.. your grandma.. so, uh.. maybe you should ask her?
Bart’s Wife: I am not gonna ask my Grandma to bone the Hangman!
Bart: Fine! Fine! I’ll ask her! Grandma, come here! [ Grandma re-enters ] The Hangman said he would let me go.
Grandma: [ relieved ] I knew the Lord would save you!
Bart: Not so quick, Grandma.. there’s a catch. You see, uh.. he wants to, uh.. how do I put this, uh.. I can’t really say this out loud.. He wants to.. [ bends over and whispers in Grandma’s ear ]
Grandma: What? Huh? Posse?! I don’t have a posse! What?!
The Hangman: Let me tell her! Ma’am, I’ll let Bart go if you agree.. to make love with me.
Grandma: [ turned off ] Oh, that’sgross! Come on! I’m 82!
Bart’s Wife: [ being helpful ] I could wear a grey wig, soak in the tub and get all pruny!
Bart: Katie!
Bart’s Wife: What?!
The Hangman: That won’t do! Grandma, you are the only thing that can save Bart from the noose!
Grandma: [ giving in ] Fine! I’ll do it! I gotta worn ya – last time I did this, I broke my hip!
[ Hangman and Grandma exit to back room ]
Bart: I feel terrible for putting Grandma through that, but, uh..
[ Hangman and Grandma re-enter ]
The Hangman: Ohhhhh, I couldn’t go through with it! You’re good country people.. so I’m gonna let you go free, and stay true to the Hangman’s Code!
Grandma: Hangman’s Code? Please! I unbuttoned his pants, and Quickdraw McGraw here was done!
The Hangman: It doesn’t matter, the reason! I’m letting you go, Bart! [ opens up cell ]
Bart: Hangman, I think you need some help.
The Hangman: Leave, before I change my mind! And don’t be telling everybody about this! I have a reputation to maintain! After all, I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!
[ dissolve to Peter burke standing before a seminar of investors ]
Peter Burke: [ acknowledging a raised hand ] Yes?
Investor #1: We’re entering the fourth year of a down stock market. Is it time to sell yet?
Investor #2: Have we hit bottom yet?
Investor #3: What can you tell small investors who are really starting to worry?
[ cut to Peter Burke ]
[ SUPER: “Peter Burke, CEO Global Century Investments” ]
Peter Burke: Just this: Relax. The market goes up, the market goes down. But, over the long haul, the market goes up. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?
Investor #4: Is there any chance the stocks might rebound this year?
Peter Burke: I’m really the wrong guy to ask. I got completely out of stocks in late ’99, and I haven’t followed the market since.
Investor #5: You got out of the market three years ago?
Peter Burke: Yes. You see.. around that time, we at Global Century became convinced that stocks were headed for a crash, and that bonds were the safer bet. And, we were right. My own bond portfolio is up nearly 30%.
Investor #5: But, if you were moving out of stocks and into bonds three years ago, why were your brokers telling people like me to do the exact opposite.
Peter Burke: Well, obviously, if you think, as we did, that stocks are heading down, and you want to unload them before a crash, you have to convince somebody out there to buy them. That’s just common sense. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?
Investor #6: Back in the summer of 2001, I wanted to move money into some defense-related and home security stocks, but your brokers talked me out of it. Is that because you and your friends were buying those stocks and wanted to keep the price down?
Peter Burke: Exactly! We felt that, with the 9/11 terror attacks coming up later in the summer, that sector of the market would probabyl triple in value. And, once again, we were right.
Investor #7: [ amazed ] You knew in advance about 9/11?
Peter Burke: Basically. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?
Investor #8: So, earlier, when you said you don’t own any stocks, that was a lie, right?
Peter Burke: Correct. That was a lie. [ a hand is raised ] Yes?
Investor #9: Hi. Like a lot of us here, I followed your broker’s advice, and, over the last few years, I lost 80% of my life savings.
Peter Burke: That does not surprise me at all.
Investor #9: I’d just like to say, that even though I think you’re an evil person, and even though I came here intending to kill you, I’ve been really impressed with your honesty.
[ everyone claps ]
You’re kind of straight talk is rare in today’s business world.
Peter Burke: Thank you. At Global Century, we like to be completely upfront with our clients. That’s why, in our prospectus, we clearly state that our investment advice is often self-interested or deceitful, and may work to our client’s disadvantage. We think.. you deserve to know that.
[ everyone claps ]
Voiceover: For straight answers to your investment questions, stop by our offices for a free consultation.
Peter Burke: Yes?
Investor #10: It doesn’t say that in your prospectus.
Peter Burke: Sure it does.
Investor #10: No, it doesn’t.
Peter Burke: Yes. It’s in there. You have to read it.
Investor #10: I read it. It’s not in there.
Peter Burke: You’re right. It’s not in there. I just assumed you hadn’t read it.
Investor #10: I appreciate your honesty.
Peter Burke: You bet.
Voiceover: Global Century Investments. Hard questions, straight answers.
The Falconer…..Will Forte College Dean…..Ray Liotta Co-Ed #1…..Maya Rudolph Co-Ed #2…..Amy Poehler
Announcer V/O: [ over scrolling SUPER ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was a rising star in the Baltimore advertising scene. Then, upon receiving a mysterious package, the contents of which he never divulged, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.
[ dissolve to Falconer laying on the ground, trapped under a log, as Donald keeps a watchful eye ]
The Falconer: Oh, Donald.. here I lay, pinned beneath this mighty mountain pine felled by high winds. Trapped in its wooden clutch, I can only wonder what fate has in store for me.
Falcon: [ squawks ]
The Falconer: [ defensive ] Well, I’m sorry that I’m ruining your birthday! But I happen to have a 2,000-pound log crushing my spine right now! [ pleading ] You’ve got to help me.. go find someone – anyone – who has the know-how to lift a tree! So be gone, my friend! [ Donald flies into the air to search for help ] My life hangs in the balance!!
[ Falcon flies through the air in search of salvation; close-up of his steadfast face ]
[ dissolve to Falcon swooping down in College Dean’s office ]
College Dean: Oh, Falcon! Welcome back to the College of Environmental Science & Forestry!
Falcon: [ squawks ]
College Dean: Oh-ho, yes! [ touched ] You noticed! I’ve been named the Dean of log Removal!
Falcon: [ squawks ]
College Dean: Oh, my.. that’s terrible!
Falcon: [ squawks ]
College Dean: Oh, really..?
Falcon: [ squawks ]
College Dean: I can’t believe he forgot your birthday!
Falcon: [ squawks ]
College Dean: Well.. how would you like to celebrate?
Falcon: [ squawks ]
College Dean: [ chuckles ] Fine.
[ dissolve to exterior, Alpha Delta Psi Sorority ]
[ dissolve to interior, where the keg party is in full swing, with the College Dean dancing with a group of co-eds ]
College Dean: It’s a great party! Where’s the beer?!
Co-Ed #1: Over there!
[ Co-Ed #1 points off-camera, which pans over to reveal the Falcon operating the keg tap as another co-ed fills her cup ]
[ dissolve to party picking up in intensity, as Falcon perches upon co-ed’s shoulder holding two test tube shots in his talons ]
[ dissolve to a fun game of Limbo, as the Falcon goes under the limbo stick ]
Voice of Co-Ed: Come on, Falcon!
Falcon: [ screeches in excitement ]
[ dissolve to Falcon holding camcorder, as two co-eds flash their boobs for him ]
[ dissolve to Falcon in an intimate conversation with Co-Ed #2 ]
Co-Ed #2: Hey.. you wanna go upstairs?
Falcon: [ squawks ]
Co-Ed #2: [ giggles ] I know. [ moves in to kiss Falcon on the beak ]
[ dissolve to College Dean in bed with co-eds, Falcon perched atop the headboard ]
College Dean: Oh, I’ve got an idea! Let’s go to IHOP and get some waffles!
[ the girls giggle, Falcon flies in the air to leave ]
Co-Ed #2: Oh, Falcon.. you never stay.
[ Falcon flies into the air; close-up of his steadfast face ]
[ Falcon spots a saw and toolkit lying in the grass below, and swoops down for it ]
[ dissolve to The Falconer still trapped under the log ]
The Falconer: Oh, many is the day I wish I never opened that mysterious package.. containing, as it did..
[ Falcon swoops down and drops the saw to the Falconer’s legs ]
The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Oh, Donald! I knew I could count on you! [ holds up saw ] I will use this saw to cut the tree, and free myself so that I may live!
Falcon: [ squawks ]
The Falconer: You’re right! It would be quicker to just cut my leg off! Oh, Donald. You’re a true friend! Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..
Announcer: CNN News Alert. We’re taking you now, live, to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, for the latest on the situation in Iraq. He should arrive any minute.
[ Donald Rumsfeld steps up to the podium, as reporters wave their arms to have their questions noticed ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes? Anne.
Reporter #1: With the discovery of the twelve chemical warheads, and the deployment of more troops to the region, is it fair to say that this administration has found its smoking gun?
Donald Rumsfeld: Smoking gun? [ chuckles ] Let me think about that.. [ thinks ] I don’t want to answer that. But let me try to answer that.. uh.. no, I’ve changed my mind, I don’t feel the need to answer that. [ hands wave again ] Dave.
Reporter #2: Hans Glick said last wek that the inspection could drag on past any deadline we’ve set, maybe months. Do you think this administration can wait that long?
Donald Rumsfeld: Well.. look, Hans Glick has his timetable. I don’t wanna get in any discussion about possible timetables. I mean, we’re waiting – let me say, anxiously awaiting – any information the inspectors might provide, or that we might provide them. Now, Pete?
Reporter #3: If it turns out that Saddam is indeed lying about these warheads, would that be enough to go to war?
Donald Rumsfeld: Enough to go to war. How do I answer that? Well, let me try it like this: Saddam keeps sayin’ he’s got something for us.. something he calls proof, but let’s confess. He’s been a-messin’ where he shouldn’t a-been a-messin’. Now someone else is gettin’ all the best. Now, as I see it, these boots are made for walkin’.. and that.. that’s just what they’re gonna do. One of these days – I don’t know the exact date, but sometime in the future – these boots are gonna walk all over ‘im. Karen?
Reporter #4: I.. was gonna ask you a different question.. but.. was that the Nancy Sinatra song “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, sir?
Donald Rumsfeld: You make can anything of it you want to, Karen. It’s an undeniable fact.. The man keeps lyin’ when he oughtta be truthin’.. and he keeps losin’ when he oughtta not bet. He keeps samin’ when he oughtta be a-changin’. And what’s right is right, he just has not been right yet. What more can I say? [ begins to sing ] “These boots are made for walkin’, that’s just what they’ll do.. one of these days these boots.. [ music stops ] ..are gonna walk right over this guy.. Doug?
Reporter #5: Listen, we’re respecting members of the press here. You can’t just sing “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, and expect us to print it.
Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t see why not. I kinda feel like I can do anything I want to up here. When it comes to Saddam.. [ singing again ] He keeps playin’ where he shouldn’t be a-playin’. He keeps thinkin’ that he’ll never get burned. I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah-ah! What I know, you ain’t had time to learn! The boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.” Are you ready boots? Start walkin’, all the way to Baghdad. Put that in your press and smoke it! And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Director: And.. cut! Great job, everybody, great job! That’s perfect! Maria, can I talk to you for a second?
Maria: Sure, Mr. Van Peebles!
Director: Great.. uh.. Maria, how-how old are you now?
Maria: Twelve-and-a-half!
Director: You know, Maria, you do a great job on the show.. I think you’re a great role model for all the other kids..
Maria: [ happy ] I love all my friends here at the Fun Friend Club! Louise, and Katir, and Jao Ping..
Director: Jao Ping.. I know, I know you do, Maria, it’s great.. it’s just that, uh.. you’ve had a real growth spurt in the last year now.. As we grow older, you know, girls become women, their.. their bodies change, well, uh..
Maria: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Dave: Larry, can we hurry up and shoot the next song?! I want to get home for the Clippers game, huh!
Director: Sure, Dave. Everybody! Places for the Jumpie Dance! Come on in!
[ everyone falls into place on the set; Maria is front and center, the size of her breasts well-distinguished alongside the smaller kids ]
Director: [ grabs Maria ] You know, I’m gonna switch you with Jao Ping, okay? Is that good? [ puts Maria in the back row, where her breasts seem less noticeable ] Action!
[ cameras roll ]
Smiley the Dragon: Hey, everybody, I’ve got a case of the giggles! Hee hee hee hee hee-ee-ee!!
Kids: [ singing ] “Jiggly! Wiggly! Makes me get all giggly!
It’s the Jiggly Wiggly Jumpy Dance! If you’re feeling happy, shake your pants!”
[ Maria bounces front and center, her breasts bopping in every direction ]
“Clap your hands, and touch the ground Arch your back, and jump up.. and.. down!”
[ Director runs into the scene waving his arms frantically ]
Director: Cut the song! Cut the song!
Dave: It’s like “Girls Gone Wild” over here!! You gotta do something about those things!!
Director: Okay, okay.. thank you, Dave, thank you. Could somebody get Dave a cigarette, or something. Maria..
Maria: Did I mess up my choreography, Mr. Van Peebles?
Director: No, no, no.. you didn’t, Maria.. it’s just, uh.. has your mom talked to you about, uh.. becoming a woman, at all?
Maria: No.
Director: Yeah.. well, did you give her the note I sent you home?
Maria: [ excited ] Yeah! She bought me a deodorant stick!
Director: That’s a start, I guess. Uh.. Maria, I don’t know how to say this.. The Fun Friend Club is a club for children..
Maria: [ laughs ] And one very ridiculous dragon!
Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. one ridiculous dragon.. Uh.. but, soon, you won’t even want to be on the show. You’ll want to be talking on the phone with boys, and go to the mall with your friends, be hanging out with them..
[ Dave re-enters ]
Dave: And shave your legs!
Maria: No way! I want to stay here in Giggle Gulch forever!
Dave: Oh, hey! I wanted to stay on “General Hospital” forever! But jobs end! That’s the business, kid!
Director: Dave! Will you let me handle this, will you?
Maria: Hey, Mr. Van Peebles! The whole crew’s waiting! Shouldn’t we get back to work?
Director: Okay, okay.. let’s do the “What Do You See?” song, okay? [ the kids re-enter the scene ] Uh.. places.. the “What Do You See?” song. [ Dave doesn’t have his Smiley head on yet ] Put the dragon head on? Okay, everyone ready? Annnnnnnd.. speak!
[ the scene begins ]
Smily the Dragon: Heeeeeeey, special friends! Let’s play “What Do You See?”!
Kids: Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!
[ little girl steps up ]
Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Little Girl: I see a bird!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”
[ Little Girl flaps her arms like a bird, then steps off ]
[ little boy steps up ]
Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Little Boy: I see a river!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”
[ Little Boy motions his arms like a river, then steps off ]
[ Maria steps up ]
Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Maria: I see balloons!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it-“ [ angered now more than ever ] Cut! Cut! Cut! CUT!! I can’t DO this any more, Marty! This is DISTURBING!!
Director: [ running in ] Dave, I’m sorry.. I know, okay..
Dave: This is very upsetting!!
Director: I’m working on it, Dave! [ offscreen ] Can someone get Dave a martini, or something? Maria? Take the rest of the day off, okay? How about that?
Maria: [ worried ] Is it because I spilled juice on the Craft Services table?
Dave: It’s your JUGS!! You came back from hiatus with JUGS!!
Director: Dave, I Will HANDLE this!!
Dave: Well, then HANDLE it!!
Director: Oh, thank you! Maria? What Smiley was trying to say is, uh.. [ struggling to be gentle, but failing ] ..we want you.. to be.. the Show Captain! And, uh.. oyu get to wear my, my special Fun Friend jacket, on the show, and you’ll be the Show Captain!
Maria: Ooh..
Director: Yeah! In fact, just zip it up there, and keep it zipped up by all means, okay? For the whole show. Is that cool?
Maria: [ excited ] Yay! I’m the Captain! I get to stay here, with all my special friends!
Director: Yeah!
Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!
Dave: Larry! Larry! What the hell are you doing, why didn’t you fire her?!
Director: [ sighs ] I didn’t have the heart, Dave.
Dave: Well, it’s only gonna get worse! I think Jao Ping’s voice is changing!
Director: What?
[ Jao Ping steps up ]
Jao Ping: [ in deep masculine voice ] Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom?
Hannibal Paul Krendler (Liotta) and Hannibal Lecter (Darrell Hammond) market brain dishes. Recurring Characters: Hannibal Lecter.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) wants to run for President in 2004. Tracy Morgan shares his views on affirmative action. Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.
The Donnas perform “Take It Off”
The Hangman Hangman (Liotta) will let doomed (Will Forte) go for sex with Grandma (Rachel Dratch).
Top O’ The Morning To You Video game addict (Liotta) joins the boys for a chorus. Recurring Characters: William Fitzpatrick, Patrick Fitzwilliams.
The Donnas perform “Who Invited You”
The Rialto Grande Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) and Little Tommy Wallace (Liotta) yuk it up in Las Vegas.
…..Tina Fey …..Jimmy Fallon Briggitte Boisselier…..Amy Poehler Rael…..Chris Kattan Baby Eve…..Rachel Dratch Michael Sanders…..Will Forte Gay Hollywod Hitler…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus package this week. It was reported that, if the new plan passes, the President himself would save $44,000 in taxes; Dick Cheney would save $327,000; and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King, and pick up job applications.
On Monday, Sen. Joe Lieberman will announce his campaign for the Democratic Presidential nomination, while speaking at his old high school. To recreate the feel of his old high school days, Sen. Lieberman will make the announcement from inside a locker.
U.N. officials still have found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. President Bush still contends the best way to find where the weapons are hidden in Iraq, is to watch where they run when we attack them.
The February issue of Playboy Magazine features a nude pictorial of Allison Eastwood, daughter of actor Clint Eastwood. Early word on the pictures? Dirty.. Hairy.
Tina Fey: Yay! Last Saturday, Clone-Aid, a group that believes life on Earth was created by aliens, claimed that they had cloned the first human baby. Here to defend that claim is Clone-Aid President Briggitte Boisselier, and the founder of the Raelian cult, a man known as Rael.
Rael: Thank you, Tina.
Tina Fey: You’re welcome. Now, your group claims to have the first successfully-cloned baby.
Briggitte Boisselier: That’s right, Tina. And she’s just adorable. Her name is Eve.
[ they begin to laugh maniacally ]
Tina Fey: So, where is the baby now?
Briggitte Boisselier: Our new home – the planet Earth.
Rael: And Earth wasn’t always our home, Tina.
Briggitte Boisselier: No. We are descended from the Aryan race, sent here 25,000 years ago, and now we have created a new life.
Tina Fey: You two are a couple of old-fashioned nutbirds, I’ll tell you that! Now, where is the baby?
Rael: Well, actually, Tina, she is right here. And we’ve chosen tonight to introduce her to the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s first cloned human – Baby Eve!
[ Baby Eve steps forward – she is the former love child of Angelina Jolie and her brother ]
Briggitte Boisselier: Oh, there we go!
Rael: We are still working on a few of the kinks! Say hi! Say hi to America, honey!
Baby Eve: [ makes gurgling noise ]
Briggitte Boisselier: Isn’t she adorable?
Tina Fey: Are you sure this was successful?
Rael: Uh, well.. we’re on TV, aren’t we, Tina!
Tina Fey: The crazy clone people, ladies and gentleman!
A Chinese man is suing a movie theater, because the film he came to see started four minutes late. In a related story, moviegoers sued the makers of the film “Kangaroo Jack” because the film started.
Luciano Pavaratti has split with his long time manager and publicist, Herbert Breslin, after 36 years. Said Pavaratti, “We had just grown apart, with regards to our views concerning the future of classical music, and.. okay.. I ate him!”
Jimmy Fallon: Many psychologists are saying that there is a new crisis of infidelity breeding in the workplace, with people not having sexual affairs, but emotional affairs with their married co-workers.
Tina Fey: [ building the tension ] Do you believe that, Jimmy?
Jimmy Fallon: Do you want me to believe that, Tina?
Tina Fey: [ wantonly ] With every fiber of my being.
Jimmy Fallon: I know you do.
Tina Fey: I knew you’d know.
Jimmy Fallon: I do know.
[ they turn to face one another for a kiss, then quickly turn away ]
Tina Fey: [ sighs ] In other news..
Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy say that, when they first met, they got into a big fight, and that they eventually made up and started dating. I don’t know what the fight was about, but I’m guessing politics or science.
Star Jones was rushed to the hospital on Christmas Day, after suffering from altitude sickness. Lets just hope that, during future holidays, Star learns not to pile the ham so high that it becomes dangerous.
Jimmy Fallon: Due to a Sanitation Department union dispute, curbside collection of Christmas trees in New York City has stopped, filling the city’s sidewalks with discarded trees. [ takes microphone, as Tina holds up a prop brick wall ] Seriously, New York City hasnt seen this much public wood since the last time Brad Pitt walked through Greenwich Village.
Tina Fey: I helped on that one!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, thank you.
According to the current issue of Blender magazine, it took 11 people to write the Jennifer Lopez hit song “Jenny From The Block” – and another 12 to get the computer to play it right.
Tina Fey: Ha ha! They’re gonna be mad at you at the Grammy’s! Oh, yeah, how about this: Jimmy Fallon was nominated for a Grammy this week, for his album!
[ audience applauds wildly ]
Jimmy Fallon: It’s great just to be nominated. I’m not gonna win, I’m up against, like, Robin Williams and George Carlin, it’s just an honor just to be nominated. Just, let’s do some jokes!
Tina Fey: [ laughs ] Okay! Alright. [ starts next joke ] President Bush, this week, announced that he is no longer..
[ camera cuts to Jimmy, who begins to think reflectively to himself ]
Jimmy Fallon: It does feel good just to be nominated. What if I do win? It’s possible. I mean, those guys have all been around for a while – I’m new, I’m fresh! They’ll cancel each other out, like Robin Williams needs a Grammy.. yeah, right.. please! Hey, guess who’s not nominated – Tina Fey! [ laughs ] Who’s the smart one now, Tina? Did you hear the sarcastic way she said that: [ in Tina voice ] “Jimmy Fallon is nominated..” Yeah, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do when I win that Grammy – I’m gonna use it to smash those damn glasses she has on. She acts like she invented glasses. Geuss what, Tina – you didn’t invent glasses! I’ll get the research department to find out who did invent glasses, and then burn her with it next week!
Oh, I’ll tell you who else is gonna be pissed off when I win, oh yeah! Mikey Sanders, my old high school archeneny – that ass! He used to tell me that my party-mix tapes were lame – suck it, Mikey Sanders, I have a Grammy! It’s a done.. a-deal! [ laughing ] Revenge is a dish best served cold with a side of Grammy! I hope he’s watching – that is, if he got the night off from the gas station! [ laughs ] Fallon! You are on fire tonight! Save it.. save it, buddy.. save it for Grammy Night!
[ cut to Michael Sanders in the audience, also thinking reflectively to himself ]
Michael Sanders: I can’t believe I’m here! “Saturday Night Live”! This place is a legend. I wonder if Jimmy will recognize me, his old buddy Mikey Sanders. Of course, I go by Michael Sanders, now that I’ve got that job as Head of the Grammy Committee. I feel bad. I didn’t even listen to Jimmy’s album. But if it’s anything like those party-mix tapes he used to make, I know it sucks. Who puts “Ghostbusters” on twice – in a row? Jerk!
[ cut back to Jimmy Fallon at the Update desk, still thinking reflectively to himself ]
Jimmy Fallon: Know who else I’m gonna call when I win? Ghostbusters! [ laughs ] That one always works! Lemme tell ya something: [ singing ] “Bustin’ makes me feel good!” Again, save it, Fallon, it’s gold! It’s Grammy gold! [ sighs ] Geez, when’s Tina gonna be done with this joke?
Tina Fey: [ finally finishing joke ] ..Contraceptive SpongeBob Squarepants.
Boy, that was a long joke. Back to you, Jimmy.
A man in Sweden is suing the government after a golden eagle swooped down, snatched his dachshund and flew away. Once out of the earshot of the dog’s owner, witnesses admitted it was the coolest thing they’d ever seen.
HBO announced Tuesday that the upcoming season of “Sex And The City” will be the last. HBO executives said that the girls have simply run out of holes.
Tina Fey: Also, HBO has announced plans to air “The Pink Fuhrer”, a documentary based on a book which theorizes that Adolph Hitler was gay.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, man, I hope this doesn’t mean Gay Hitler has gone Hollywood on us.
[ Gay Hollywood Hitler enters set ]
Gay Hollywood Hitler: Guttentag, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: Gay Hitler, what are you doing?
Gay Hollywood Hitler: I’m waiting to hear if I got a guest shot on.. “Curb Your Enthusiasm”! But Larry David hates me because I’m gay!
Tina Fey: He doesn’t hate you because you’re gay! He hates you because you’re Hitler!
Gay Hollywood Hitler: Anyway, I gotta run. I’m having sushi with Lenny – auf weidersein, cuevos! [ exits ]
Jimmy Fallon: Gay Hollywood Hitler, everyone.
Tina Fey: Gay Hollywood Hitler.
In India, a man had his penis reattached after the angry husband of his lover chopped it off with a sword, and then put it in his pocket. After it happened, the man said to his attacker, “Is that my penis in your pocket, or are you just not happy to see me?”
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
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