Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 2
02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill
The Be Safe Gang
Devita…..Amy Poehler
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Karen…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Student 1…..Chris Kattan
Student 2…..Rachel Dratch
Student 3…..Jimmy Fallon
Student 4…..Jeff Richards
Student 5…..Seth Meyers
Teacher…..Chris Parnell
Teacher: And that is why the Indians deserved it. Alright, we have some special visitors here today and I know you are all going to give them your un-divided attention. Please welcome the ‘Be Safe Gang’.
(Devita, Fred and Karen walk into the classroom)
Fred: What’s up you guys? I’m Fred from the Minneapolis police
Karen: I’m Karen from the Minneapolis police.
Devita: And I’m Devita, formally of the Minneapolis police. And we want you
Karen: To be
Fred: Safe
Devita: In
Karen: And around
Fred: The places
Devita: You work
Karen: And
Fred: Live. (Fred and Karen walk off)
Devita: Hey dudes. I’m here today to talk to you about the dangers of drugs, okay. Who here likes to take drugs? (the classroom is quiet) Nobody ? Nice try! I am very aware of what you kids are into, okay? I know the stories. I’ve heard about raves who have ODed on monkey vitamins. (she points to Student 1) Sound familiar hot shot?
Student 1: (confused) What?
Devita: Nice try. Alright, show of hands– WHO HERE IS INTO TEA BAGGING? (the students all laugh). Go ahead, laugh, laugh dead people don’t laugh. So enjoy it. As you know tea bagging is the act of dipping a household sponge into liquid ecstasy and then popping it into your rectum for a night of dancing. (Student 2 raises her hand)
Student 2: Can I go to the nurse?
Devita: Nice try. Alright, you kids need to be aware and prepared incase a stranger approaches you at a disco and says ‘Hey buddy, can you hold my sponge in your butt while I go get a drink?’
Student 1: (confused again) Who would do that?
Devita: How about a million people rookie! Nice try. Protect yourself. One out of every kid dies form being stupid. Take it Karen. (Karen walks in and Devita walks out)
Karen: Yo, what’s up homies? Sex, humping, finger shrimping, toe blasting– fun right? Think again. Lets role-play. (Karen approaches Student 3) Hey, do you wanna touch my breasts?
Student 3: Yeah, sure. (he goes to touch them but Karen grabs his hand)
Karen: BOOM! You just got genital diabetes. You don’t know me. Jesus! Come on people role-play. (Karen walks over to Student 4) Hey, you and me are about to engage in intercourse. You gonna wear a condom?
Student 4: Definitely.
Karen: BOOM! You just got crotch botulism, a.k.a – crotchulism. Condoms scoop up all the bacteria in the room and put it right I your penile canal. DO NOT WEAR THEM! And if you must wear one, you poke a hole in it to let the bacteria ventilate. Officer Fred. (Karen walks to the side with Devita and Fred walks in).
Fred: Good job, way to go. What’s up guys? I’m here today to talk to you about self-defense, keeping safe in your streets and in your school. Now Devita and Karen here are going to be my attackers. (Devita puts on a hat and scarf, and Karen puts on a hat and sunglasses. They stand either side of him). Now what do you do if someone attacks you. What do you do, YOU (points to Student 5)
Student 5: You call the police? (Fred continues to stare at him and Student 5 gets nervous) You run and get help?
Fred: (he stops staring) Wow. I hope you get mugged today my friend. (to the class) If somebody attacks you, use your body you don’t need any weapons. Let me demonstrate. If someone is coming towards you, you can use your fingers to blind the assailant.
(Devita begins to walk towards Fred, and he puts his fingers on the tip of his hat leaving her to act as if she can’t see).
Fred: You can configure the perpetrators way in such a way to get them away from you. Look (He is saying the actions as he does them on Karen) Arm up arm down arm up arm down head down shoulder down head back up mouth open mouth closed turn cheek push and she’s on her way. (Karen walks back to Fred and Devita after being pushed). You can clap you hands to deafen the assailant. (Devita comes at Fred. He claps his hands)
Devita: (she puts her hands on her ears) AHHHHH!!! (back to normal) It’s all about staying aware and prepared. We did a little experiment on you guys.
Fred: We watched you guys take showers after gym class.
Karen: None of you’s knew we were there.
Student 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah we knew you’s were there.
Devita: Nice try!
Fred: When is it not appropriate to fight back, when do you not fight back YOU! (to Student 2)
Student 2: (nervously) If somebody has a gun? (Fred continues to stare at her) If– if somebody is holding a gun ?
Fred: (to student 2) Wow, I hope you get assaulted every day for the rest of your life. (to the class) If someone has a gun you fight back. (Karen holds up a gun to Fred) this persons got about a quarter of an inch she can use to pull the trigger. I always carry a pen with me everywhere I go. Pull the gun towards you and put the pen right here (he puts the pen in between the trigger and her fingers), she can’t pull the trigger. If you don’t have a pen, grab one from the assailant. (Karen puts the gun down). When all else fails, use your cell phone. You got a double attack? Pretend like your having a conversation and they’ll leave you alone, watch.
Karen: (she holds the gun towards Fred’s head) Give me your money. I said give me your money. (Fred pretends to talk on the phone) Oh, I’m sorry. (she puts the gun down)
Devita: Hey, hey (Fred still pretending to be on the phone, he points to it) Oh, my bad.
(the school bell rings)
Karen, Devita, Fred: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Devita: Just remember everybody, when you are in a dangerous situation keep your mind in the sky
Karen: Enjoy your surroundings.
Devita: Take your time.
Fred: And keep your arms constantly moving.
Karen, Devita, Fred: (as kids leave) BE SAFE!
(the teacher approaches them when the students have all left, then fade out)
Submitted by: Roseanne S.
