Captain…..Chris Parnell Stewardess #1…..Amy Poehler Employee #1…..Will Forte Stewardess #2…..Maya Rudolph Employee #2…..Tracy Morgan
[ SUPER: “A Message From The Men And Women Of Trans American Airlines” ]
Captain: September 11th, 2001 changed a lot of things about the way we live.
Stewardess #1: But, if you’ve traveled by air recently, you know that new security procedures at most airlines can make flying a frustrating and unpleasant experience.
Employee #1: But at Trans American, we don’t believe that endless lines, early check-in requirements, or confiscating tweezers are the best way to prevent terrorism.
Captain: At Trans American, we have a better idea. We screen our passengers with a system we call “Racial Profiling”.
Stewardess #1: You see, unlike other airlines, we at Trans American have noticed that airline hijackers always seem to be Islamic males, age 15 to 45, of Middle Eastern descent.
Employee #2: That’s why, at Trans American, any passenger who fits that description is put through the industry’s most exhaustive secuity check – including sodium-pentathol interrogation, strip search, and full body cavity exam.
Stewardess: Any passenger who doesn’t, we leave the hell alone. That’s a promise.
Stewardess #2: Some of our competitors take issue with our policies, and even say that, if you allow racial profiling, the terrorists have won. But we don’t agree. I mean, why would terrorists want racial profiling? That’s how you catch them.
Captain: Rest assured, at Trans American, we have no intention of changing the system that’s given us the best security record in the industry. Fly with us, and you’ll see why. And, by the way, you can bring your tweezers.
Voiceover: Trans American Airlines. Security. Reliability. Racial profiling.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 28: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 12th, 2002 Sarah Michelle Gellar Faith Hill None Jim Downey A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bush (Chris Parnell) warns Saddam Hussein of his intentions. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney. Transcript
MontageNote: Sen. John McCain was booked to host this week’s episode, but had to postpone it for a week because of a scheduling conflict.
Sarah Michelle Gellar’s MonologueSummary: A vampire (Chris Kattan) in the audience is unappreciative of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s snide “Buffy the Vampire slayer” reference. Transcript
Swiffer SleepersSummary: Kids can help keep the house clean with specially-designed dustcloth pajamas. Transcript
The Be Safe GangSummary: Policeman (Fred Armisen) advises kids to use their bodies to protect themselves. Transcript
Musical DentistSummary: Dr. Kaplan (Chris Kattan) dreams of his hygienist (Sarah Michelle Gellar) while operating. Transcript
Trans American AirlinesSummary: Unlike other airlines, Trans America guarantees racial profiling. Transcript
Corona ISummary: A drunk guy (Jimmy Fallon) vacationing on the beach accidentally tosses a beer bottle instead of his buzzing cellphone. Transcript
Saddam Hussein BriefingSummary: Saddam Hussein (Darrell Hammond) outlines his strategy with his cabinet, then introduces his secret doubles (Chris Kattan, Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein. Transcript
Corona IISummary: A drunk guy (Jimmy Fallon) vacationing on the beach once again accidentally tosses a beer bottle instead of his buzzing cellphone. Transcript
Faith Hill performs “Cry”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Steven, the annoying Dell kid (Seth Meyers), comments on teen depression. Tina Fey supports the downfall of the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle. Ripple (Maya Rudolph) & Delorian Ramada (Sarah Michelle Gellar) are unglamorous jet-setters in the Hilton mold. Transcript
Making the VideoSummary: Christina Aguilera (Sarah Michelle Gellar) documents the making of her new trashy video. Note: Christina Aguilera Transcript
Arli$$Summary: Sarah Michelle Gellar promotes “Arli$$” on DVD because not laughing while watching it can prevent embarrassing pants-wetting. Afterwards, Tracy Morgan tries to engage Gellar and Faith Hill in a catfight designed for his own personal amusement. Transcript
Faith Hill performs “I’m Free”
“I Love My Man”Summary: A sexy woman (Maya Rudolph) knows just how her man (Tracy Morgan) feels about her. Transcript
Corona IIISummary: A drunk guy (Jimmy Fallon) vacationing on the beach once again accidentally hits a passing stranger when he tosses a beer bottle. Transcript
Blame SaddamSummary: Saddam Hussein might not be responsible for 9/11, but Americans don’t mind using that as a reason to be pissed off at him just the same. Transcript
Sexual Harrassment SeminarSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) disrupts a sexual harrassment seminar to hit on the women that are present. Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv. Transcript
Wife…..Amy Poehler Husband…..Seth Meyers Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph P. Diddy…..Tracy Morgan Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz Axl Rose…..Matt Damon
[ open on couple sitting on their living room couch ]
Wife: I’m hungry.
Husband: Me, too.
Wife: I don’t feel like cooking.
Husband: I don’t feel like going out.
[ Donatella Versace rises from behind their couch ]
Donatella Versace: Now you don’t have to.
Together: Donatella Versace?!
Husband: What are you doing behind our couch?
Donatella Versace: I was hoping you would know the answer to that.. Anyway, sounds like somebody needs a snack.
[ dance music pots up ]
Donatella Versace: Check it out. I’ve done it again. New Versace Pockets.
Together: Versace Pockets?!
Donatella Versace: Yes. All the wonderful famous people who like to eat frozen food. Just listen to my friend, P. Diddy..
[ cut to P. Diddy ]
P. Diddy: I always wanted frozen food. But I wanted to pay more for it. Now, I can. Finally. Microwavable food with bling.
[ Donatella steps out of P. Diddy’s freezer ]
Donatella Versace: That’s right, P. Diddy. Because each Versace Pocket comes in its own disposable $75,000 diamond tote!
P. Diddy: Whatchoo doin’ in my freezer?
Donatella Versace: I have no idea.. Versace Pockets come in three exciting flavors. Monterey Chicken.. Champagne.. and my personal favorite, Cheesy Chili Cheeseburger. Now, if you haven’t believed a damn word I’ve said to you so far, then listen to more celebrities go on and on about it.
[ cut to extra dikey-looking Rosie O’Donnell ]
Rosie O’Donnell: Since I quit my TV show and dumped that crapola magazine, I can’t scarf down enough of these delicious Versace Pockets! Nice work, Donna! [ ]
Donatella Versace: And if you still don’t believe that the damn Versace Pockets taste great, just ask my personal new best friend, Mr. Axl Rose.
[ cut to Axl Rose ]
Axl Rose: [ singing ] “You know where you are! You’re in the microwave, baby! You’re gonna get eaten! Aaaaggghhhh!!”
Donatella Versace: So, quit eating that crap you usually eat, and eat this crap instead.
Axl Rose: Versace Pockets.. rock!
Donatella Versace: From your kitchen to your pie hole; from your pie hole to your poop shoot. The Versace Pockets. Now, please, get out.
Announcer: Versace Pockets. Available by appointment only.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
The Senate is expected to vote next week on whether to approve the use of force to oust Saddam Hussein. President Bush said he will watch the results of the vote carefully, then invade Iraq anyway.
New Jersey Senator Robert Torcelli stunned the political world this week, by dropping out of his race after months of well-publicized ethics problems. This leaves New Jersey democrats scrambling for an eye-catching replacement candidate. Thereby, allowing me to utter a sentence I’ve always wanted to say: “Little Steven, your country needs you!”
The New York Post reported that Chelsea Clinton has hired a personal assistant, despite the fact that she doesn’t have a job yet. This has immediately earned her the nickname “White Al Sharpton”.
According to healthy officials, the United States has more than enough smallpox vaccine, in case of a bioterrorist attack. So, now that that’s taken care of, maybe officials can focus on my plan to defend against a much greater threat: Big Pox.
In Milton, New Hampshire, an elementary school principal named Nancy Drew has instituted a new lunchroom policy: classical music is played, and there is no talking allowed. This has inspired a new Nancy Drew novel: “The Mystery of the Old Bitch”.
Tina Fey: Earlier this evening, the heavily-favored New York Yankees lost to the Anaheim Angels, 9 to 5, eliminating them from the Playoffs. This is the first time the Yankees haven’t reached the World Series since 1997. Here to help Yankee fans cope with the disappointment, are Boston Red Sox fans Seth Meyers and Matt Damon.
Seth Meyers: Thank you, Tina! Okay, Yankees fans, we’re here to help – seriously. Right now, you may be feeling something you’re not really used to. It’s called “losing”. Now you know what Matt, myself, and thousands like us go through every year. We’re experts at heartbreaking failure, and we’re gonna walk you through it.
Matt Damon: Okay. The most important thing is: remember to breathe. I know this sounds simple, but.. when the ball went through Buttner’s legs in ’86, I was hospitalized for, like, a week.
Seth Meyers: One thing not to do is take all of your team’s parapharnalia, put it in a big pile, and light it on fire. Trust me, that stuff is expensive to replace, and you will get arrested.
Matt Damon: You spent the last eight Octobers focused on baseball. Why not try football? You still have The Jets. [ audience boos ] Sorry.. I’m sorry..
Jimmy Fallon: That’s a low blow.
Matt Damon: Yeah. My apologies. We should be sensitive.
Seth Meyers: And here’s something you might not know: Fall is awesome. The leaves change color, it’s breathtaking! Ever wonder why New England has such beautiful foliage? It’s God’s way of apologizing.
Matt Damon: And look at this way – at least your favorite player wasn’t cryogenically frozen by his scumbag son.
Seth Meyers: The most important thing to remember is: find someone else to blame. The first thing we do when the Red Sox lose is blame the Yankees. Obviously, that doesn’t work for you. Blame the umpires, or make up some crazy story about a curse.
Matt Damon: That works, too!
Seth Meyers: Uh.. just remember one thing.
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: But if Soriano didn’t drop that pop-up!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: If we had kept Tino!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: If the bullpen had performed better!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: If I only I had cheered harder!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Tina Fey: Matt Damon and Seth Meyers, everyone.
A woman in Auburn, Washington was injured, when an explosion ripped apart a large storage container, freeing hundreds of her exotic flying squirrels. Actually, to be accurate, they only became flying squirrels after the explosion.
Tina Fey: According to Time Magazine, Amercian Taliban John Walker Lindh became an Islamic militant with the encouragement of a Pakistani businessman who was his gay lover. Walker’s relatives contend that John is not gay, it was just that he couldn’t help but succumb to the erotic wiles of this Pakistani businessman. [ shows picture ] Look at this guy! He’d turn anyone gay! He’s like Rupert Everett – whoo-oo! Really, is there any sexier pair of words than “Pakistani businessman”? By the way, John Walker Lindh lived in San Francisco for a while. How screwed up do you have to be to leave San Francisco and go to the remote caves of Afghanistan to explore your homosexuality?
Scientists say the detection of particles of West Nile Virus in the breast milk of a Michigan woman earlier this month, is not cause for alarm. But, just to be on the safe side, they are warning Michigan residents not to suck the woman’s nipples.
Rumors are circulating that Julia Roberts is pregnant. Insiders say that Julia has been busy buying clothes and redecorating a room in her house for.. whoever she will be married to when the baby is born.
Jimmy Fallon: Officials at a zoo in Bangladesh said the zookeeper was killed by two black bears, in an attempt to-
Tina Fey: Wait, wait, wait! Why did you have to say they’re black bears? How is the color of their fur relevent?
Jimmy Fallon: Well, but they were black bears.
Tina Fey: Oh. But if they were polar bears, you wouldn’t say two white bears attacked someone. You’re prejudice, Jimmy! You’re-you’re a specist!
Jimmy Fallon: Specist? Really?
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, I’m gonna make a fool out of you – maybe. ‘Cause I travel around with something. I don’t know, maybe you want to see this? [ takes out picture ] My wife is a black bear! [ reveals the picture of himself with the black bear ] So, now, who’s the idiot – you or me, the guy who married a black bear? [ silence from Tina ] I thought so!
A group of high school football players in Massachusetts turned away a hired stripper from their pre-game party, saying, “This is football, we don’t do that kind of thing.” That’s fantastic. I’d like to say congratulations and good luck, to the Northeastern High Gay Birds.
Tina Fey: Twiggy, the former 60’s fashion model, returned to the catwalk this weekend, but said that, next ot today’s waify models, she felt fat and short. Oh wait, did I say Twiggy? I meant Ziggy. Ziggy said that. Sorry. That’s my favorite joke of all time!
Jimmy Fallon: Ziggy! Uh.. you know, folks, I’m glad I got a chance to talk to you. I spent some time in South America this summer,uh.. and I saw an amazing comedian in Venezuela. He’s here tonight to perform for us. Please welcome Ferecito, everybody!
Fericito: Alright! Alright! I’m Ferecito, and I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezuela. And, Yimmy, I am so happy to be here in America! But one thing I don’t understand, is American comedy. I just don’t get it! There’s no action! There’s no excitement!
Jimmy Fallon: What do you mean?
Fericito: I’m gonna show you how we do it in Venezuela – Latino-style! Let’s have a little clapping, like this! That’s right, it’s good, it’s good, alright! [ bangs on drums ] Did you feel it! Did you feel it! I’m playing salsa music for you on the timbalas! And I know a lot of you people think that Latin music is all about stupid things like Shakira and Enrique Iglesias. But we have a lot more to offer – like Menudo! [ tpas on timbalas ] Dios mio! [ makes face, eyes bulge out ] Seriously, man. It’s hard growing up Latino in this country. You know, when I first moved to this country, I was in third grade. And all the other kids in my school where white, Americanos. And I noticed, that when I went to the urinal to take a leak, my pene was bigger than all the other kids! So I went home to my grandmother, I say, “Abuelita! Why is my pene bigger than other kids? Because I’m Latino?” She said, “No. Because you’re 23!” [ bangs timbalas ] Dios Mio! You see, Yimmy? That’s how you do it!
Jimmy Fallon: I guess so. Yeah.
Fericito: You know what I notice about you, whenever you do a punchline?
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Fericito: Absolutely nothing.
Jimmy Fallon: What.. what do you mean, nothing? What do you mean?
Fericito: When you make a yoke.. you have to make it obvious to the audience!
Jimmy Fallon: When am I doing jokes?
Fericito: Are you okay?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah..
Fericito: You gotta make a face like this, close your eyes. [ demonstrates ]
Jimmy Fallon: Ah.. I don’t know if that’s my thing, I-I-I..
Fericito: Yeah! You have to have a catch phrase! Do you have a catch phrase?
Jimmy Fallon: No, I don’t have one.
Fericito: Okay, I’ll give you one. Do this one: “I’m just keeeeeding!”
Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know..
Fericito: Yeah! Because.. because you’re just kidding, right? This is not really the news!
Jimmy Fallon: No, it’s definitely not really the news, I’m joking..
Fericito: Okay, so then do it! You do your joke and go: “I’m just keeeeeding!”
Jimmy Fallon: I know, that’s not really me, though, I really wouldn’t, uh..
Fericito: Watch Fericito! It goes like this: “Scientists say the detection of West Nile Virus in the breast milk is not cause for alarm. But, just to be sure, don’t suck on her nipples.” I’m just keeeeeding!
[ audience is impressed ]
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah!
Fericito: It’s a lot better, it’s more professional! [ bangs his timbalas ]
Jimmy Fallon: Fericito, everybody! Fericito!
A Tennessee man plans to marry the woman who was jailed for ripping off one of his testicles with her fingernails. And that’s the news from Tennessee!
Jimmy Fallon: U.S. doctors say they have managed to growing living pigs’ teeth in rats, a feat which scientists say could spark a dental revolution. I don ‘t see what the big deal is. We’ve been growing horse teeth in Carly Simon for years. I’m just keeeeeding!
Fericito: You see? That’s much better! much better! More professional!
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Doctor Flemming…..Matt Damon Bambi…..Amy Poehler Jasper…..Chris Kattan Rex…..Jeff Richards Congressman Applegate…..Chris Parnell General Mills…..Darrell Hammond
Flemming: (reading a magazine) Oh, those guys are funny and ruthless. You don’t mess with the fashion police.
Jasper: Doctor, we’ve got trouble. Congressman Applegate is on his way to see you.
Flemming: (panicked) Try and stall them Jasper. I wasn’t prepared for this. (he pulls out some stuff and puts it on the desk) I have to try and look busy here. (he puts on a white coat) I wish I had some test tubes or something (two men walk in and Dr. Flemming picks up the phone and starts talking) Ah yes Professor Johnson. That data you sent over was quite scientific And for the love of god, please return those test tubes goodbye fellow scientist. (hangs up the phone, and shakes the men’s hands) Congressman Applegate, General Mills.
Congressman Applegate: Doctor Flemming, unless we see results today, we have no choice but to cut your funding for the secret government project.
Flemming: I just need a little more time and money.
Congressman Applegate: We’ve given you over 19 million dollars in the last 5 years. Your time is up. We need to see the sex robot.
General Mills: You know how important the sex robot is in our fight against terrorism.
Flemming: It isn’t a sex robot as you so crudely put it it’s the SexBot 2000. An artificial life form called ‘Project Bambi’.
General Mills: Son, you are trying our patience.
Flemming: (to his intercom) Rex bring in the SexBot 2000. (to General Mills and Congressman Applegate) There’s a few kinks I have to work out, but I think you will be impressed. (Rex brings in Bambi sitting on a large covered up box). It was modelled after my girlfriend Bambi.
Rex: The SexBot is in working order, doctor.
Flemming: Thank you Rex. (Rex leaves)
Congressman Applegate: Very impressive. (the two men begin touching the robot’s skin, legs etc.)
General Mills: Good lord, she is beautiful.
Congressman Applegate: Feels good too.
Bambi: Please, I belong to Doctor Flemming
Congressman Applegate: Come on doctor, let us take her for a test drive.
Flemming: That’s not the robot, that’s my girlfriend.
Congressman Applegate: I’m sorry.
Flemming: I have never been so offended, now get out!
General Mills & Congressman Applegate: I’m sorry, a thousand apologies.. (they leave, but walk back in outraged)
Congressman Applegate: Wait a minute, we gave you 19 million dollars! We’re not leaving until we see the sex robot.
Flemming: Very well, gentlemen. (Bambi jumps of the covered up box, and takes the cloth off to reveal a trashcan) I give you the SexBot 2000. (Bambi spins the trashcan around to reveal a hole in the side of it, she walks to the door)
Congressman Applegate: It’s a trash can with a glory hole!!
Flemming: It’s also got a drink holder on the side, pretty sweet, huh?
Congressman Applegate: I’m calling the president.
Flemming: You haven’t even tested it. Step up, drop your drawers, take a knee, give her a spin.
Congressman Applegate: I’m not sticking my thing in there.
Flemming: No, its cool. We’ve done extensive performance trials on a bunch of hobos. Try it out.
Congressman Applegate: No.
Flemming: How about you General? Can’t knock it til you try it.
General Mills: That is disgusting. (Jasper appears out of the top of the trash can).
Jasper: Doc, it’s getting really hot in here.
Flemming: Just a few more moments there Jasper. (he puts the lid back on with Jasper still inside)
Congressman Applegate: There’s a guy in there!!
General Mills: Okay, I’ll try it out.
Congressman Applegate: Didn’t you hear? I just said they’re a guy in there.
General Mills: I thought you said there’s a really hot girl in there. Its my bad okay?
Congressman Applegate: I’m curious how we ever gave a multimillion dollar grant to a scientist like you.
Flemming: Actually, I got the idea from late night TV. You know the guy with the question marks on his suit?
Congressman Applegate: He is the bane of our existence.
General Mills: You would not believe how much that man has cost the U.S. military.
Congressman Applegate: Well, your funding is over doctor Flemming..
Flemming: Cool, well if you change your mind, me and Bambi will be in Cabot. (Flemming and Bambi leave)
Congressman Applegate: We are in some hot water, General Mills. The president is going to be furious. Well, let’s go tell him.
General Mills: I’ll be right behind you, I’m just going to, ah make a couple of calls.
Congressman Applegate: Okay. (he leaves)
(Jasper attempts to get out of the trash can)
General Mills: Whoa not yet son. (he pushes the lid down)
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: And now, an NBC Special Report.
[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw in the NBC News Studio ]
Tom Brokaw: Good evening. I’m Tom Brokaw. Tonight: The War on Iraq. What once seemed like a foregone conclusion, is now mired in political debate. Stalled by Sdaams’ own shell game, and confused by Here to discuss the administration’s plans, from the Persian Gulf, aboard the submarine USS Louisville, vice-President Dick Cheney.Mr. Vice-President?
[ cut to Vice-President Dick Cheney sitting atop a flying missile ]
Dick Cheney: Actually, Tom, I’m no longer on the USS Louisville, as you can see. I’m now sitting on a 1500-ton Tomahawk missile en route to Baghdad!
Tom Brokaw: Mr. Vice-President..I’m sorry, but wasn’t the plan to wait until Congress debated the issue?
Dick Cheney: That was one plan. I had another plan, Tom! You don’t get a pacemaker sitting around watching Anna nichole smith, waiting for the rest of the wrold to join up. Besides, it’s nice to have a missile this size between my legs! [ chuckles ]
Tom Brokaw: It looks like you’re having a snack up there, Mr. Vice-President?
Dick Cheney: It’s a Lunchablkes mini-pizza, tom. They don’t serve a meal on this flight, baby!
[ cell phone rings ]
Dick Cheney: Hold on! I gotta take this, Tom! [ answers cell phone ] Yeah, hello? Hello, Mr. President. No, I’m fine. Hey, listen, you’ll never guess where I’m at. No, I’m not at a sprting goods store! no, I’m not at a taco stand. No, I’m not at Ikea! Yuo know what? Stop guessing! I’m on a missile! [ laughs ] Yeah, I’m heading right into Baghaf! Instant regime change, sir! What’s that? Oh, you want me to tell Saddam something? No. No! I’m not going to say to Saddam, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” You know what? If I may, though, I’d like to pass on to our European friends, and members of Congess, Tom Daschel, the Chinese, I’ve got a helpful reminder – they can all suck on it! Oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!”
Announcer: You are what you eat. And, when you’re on the go, you don’t have time for the kind of nutritious meal that your body craves.
[ Co-Worker runs past Carlson, who is trying to eat an armful of lunch items ]
Co-Worker #1: One o’clock meeting. Right, Carlson?
Announcer: And that’s where we come in – the Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go. [ holds up product package ] All the essential nutrients of a well-balanced meal, squeezed into one easy-to-use anal suppository.
[ individual layers of nutrients are piled on top one another in computer graphic, becoming a big block ]
Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go provides protein, calcium, potassium iron, vitamins A, C, D, and fiber. At levels more than twice the FDA recommended daily allowances, and 1.3 times that of the leading energy bar. Now, that’s nutrition I can feel.
[ show Carlson waddling down the hall, with the indention showing under the back of his pants ]
Announcer: So, why slam it?
[ show Carlson with a desk full of food, trying to eat it all ]
Announcer: When you can cram it.
[ show Co-Worker #2 talking to Carlson ]
Co-Worker #2: Hey, Carlson. Great work on that report! What’s your secret?
Carlson: Well.. let’s just say I put my lunch.. up my butt!
[ they share the laugh ]
Announcer: Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go suppositories. Now with high-protein lubricant.
Matt Damon: Thank you very much! Alright! I am so excited to be here, hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”! Alright! You know, I knew I was hosting all the way back in June, and I’ve been thinking about this all summer. There were so many great stories! I’m serious! There were so many stories that would have been perfect for me to do on this show. For instance, like the Martha Stewart scandal. I mean, I could have, like, played her broker: “Sell, Martha! Sell!” Or, one of my favorite fighters of all time – Mike Tyson – before the fight: “My defense is impregnable!” And then, after the fight: “Lennox, you hit me so hard!” And how about that dude from “American Idol”? I know Maya was dying to play that guy.
[ Maya Rudolph steps out dressed as Justin Guarini ]
Justin Guarini: “I don’t care how you get her, just.. get here. If you ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an!”
[ Maya exits ]
Matt Damon: See, that would’ve been fun if we could have done that one. But there was one thing that happened this summer, that I really wanted to do, in a role I knew I could play. It was right there on the cover of US Weekly, in the upper right-hand corner. [ dissolve to slide of US Weekly with photo of Britney and Justin’s angy dance-off ] The break-up of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears, and their subsequent angry dance-off. The one that occurred in a posh L.A. nightclub called The Lounge, on August 1st, 2002. And so, without further ado.. [ removes jacket and dress shirt, to reveal back t-shirt with Justin sequined across the chest ] I present to you, my favorite story of the summer. Uh.. when you next see me, I’ll be playing the part of Justin Timberlake.
[ dissolve to exterior, The Lounge ]
[ dissolve to interior of dance club, as Britney spears and her posse enter ]
Caitlin: That sushi was so good, you guys! Oh, my God – Britney, Justin’s here!
Britney Spears: Wha-at? Are you sure Caitlin? Turn around and check it out, JIC.
Caitlin: What?
Britney Spears: JIC! Just In Case!
Caitlin: Oh. [ looks, ] Uh.. yeah. It’s him.
Britney Spears: Ugh! So much drama for a Chill Thursday, y’all!
Justin Timberlake: Hey, yo, Snap! There’s Britney and her fake peeps!
Snap: And those girls she’s been hangin’ with.
Justin Timberlake: YFR.
Snap: Huh?
Justin Timberlake: You Fo’ Real.
Snap: Pfft!
Britney Spears: I can hear you, Justin! And, by the way, what are you doing in my club?
Justin Timberlake: Your club? Puh-leez! My stylist was the one who found this place and told your publicist about it, yo!
Britney Spears: Huh! Oh, really? Why don’t you talk to the face! ‘Cause the hands too busy on.. things.. often. Whatever!
Justin Timberlake: Yo! We ain’t goin’ nowhere, bizzy-o-o-o-o-otch!
Britney Spears: We’re not going either, y’all!
Caitlin: Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it, Justin, huh?
Justin Timberlake: Well, I don’t know, maybe.. bust a move?
[ the two groups gasp in amazement at the building intensity ]
Britney Spears: You’re gonna bust a move?! That’s funny! ‘Cause I thought I taught you how to bust a move, back in Orlando! Okay, everyone, let’s clear this mess out!
Snap: Angry Dance-Off, yo!
Justin Timberlake: Word!
Caitlin: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Britney Spears: So.. are you ready for this?
Justin Timberlake: Yeah, yeah.. you ready to feel the funk? Check it!
[ “Everybody Dance Now” plays, as Justin demonstrates his moves ]
Britney Spears: Alright.. looks like the running man almost got away from you. Bass!
[ bass sounds play, as Britney demonstrates her moves ]
Justin Timberlake: That ain’t nothing!
Britney Spears: Oh, ya’ll, that makes my boobs hurt!
[ the music stops ]
Justin Timberlake: Yo! You think this is over? Jizzy-T in the hizzy-t!
[ Snap pulls out a chair for Justin to dance with ]
Caitlin: Oh, my God, you guys, Justin brought out the chair!
[ “Gloria” plays, as Justin performs a dance move with the chair ]
Justin Timberlake: Unh!
Britney Spears: Enh!
Justin Timberlake: Unh!
Britney Spears: Ahh!
Caitlin: Oh, my God, y’all, it’s a Sexy Moan-Off!
Justin Timberlake: Hee-ee-ee-ee-ee!
Britney Spears: I-yyyi-yyyi-yyyi!
[ Justin admits his defeat; Mat Damon breaks character to end the scene ]
Matt Damon: Anyway.. and scene! So, that’s it! That’s the scene I always wanted to do over the summer. Thank you for letting me do it, guys. Uh.. we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Air Date:
