Announcer: [ over picture of Saddam Hussein ] He was the Middle East’s most ruthless despot, that iron-fisted tyrant with no reason to go. Until.. [ show picture of President George W. Bush ] ..he came into office.
From the network that brought you “E.R.”, “Friends”, and “Good Morning, Miami”, comes a landmark television event.
“The War On Iraq”. It’s the story of a son’s promise, to finish the job his father didn’t. It’s the story of oil.. oppression.. nd moustaches – lots and lots of Tom Selleck moustaches.
With special guest star: Tony Blair. Are Tony Blair and George W. falling in love? Find out in.. “The War On Iraq”. Coming to NBC this fall.. or possibly December.. or in the new year.. Nobody seems to know for sure.
Voiceover: [ quickly ] In the event we don’t attack Iraq, NBC will air encore editions of “Fear Factor”, starring Joe Rogan.
Hannibal Lecter…..Matt Damon Roommate #1…..Seth Meyers Roommate #2…..Will Forte Roommate #3…..Horatio Sanz Voice of Mrs. Lecter…..Amy Poehler
Announcer: Before “The Silence Of The Lambs”. Before “Hannibal”. There was a vision of evil in its purest form – “Red Dragon”. But before that, there was the first and most terrifying chapter of the Hannibal Lecter saga.
[ dissolve to Hannibal Lecter entering his college dorm room for the first time ]
Hannibal Lecter: Well, hello, gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Announcer: His freshman year of college.
Hannibal Lecter: I’m Hannibal. And, since we’re going to be roommates this year, then, perhaps, you’d ike to join me for dinner. [ Roommate #3 rubs his crotch at Hannibal ] Or, how about some frisbee in the quad, or hackeysack? [ Roommate #3 throws an empty beer can at Hannibal’s head ] Very well, then.
Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. A psychopath. A genius. A freshman at Michigan State. To understand evil, you must witness its savage beginnings.
[ dissolve to Hannibal holding up a poster ]
Hannibal Lecter: So.. does anyone mind if I hang this up over here?
Roommate #1: Bite me!
Hannibal Lecter: Oh, I assure you.. I’d like nothing better. [ flicks his tongue menacingly ]
[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]
Roommate #2: Dude! I told you he was gay!
Hannibal Lecter: I’m not gay! I’m telling you.. I want to taste your sweet flesh. Okay, that does sound a little gay..
Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. Evil is shaped. Cruelty is refined. And savagery earns extra pizza mony by working in the cafeteria.
[ dissolve to Hannibal returning to the room from work ]
Roommate #3: Dude. I think you got a message.
Hannibal Lecter: I can tell by the tone of your voice, that you have something in your past that terrified you. Something that steals your sleep, bathes your sheets in a cold sweat.
Roommate #3: Just answer your message, Asswipe!
[ Hannibal plays the message ]
Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Hannie, honey.. hi, it’s Mom. I got your messagge. and, if those boys tease you about wearing your bathing suit in the shower, you tease them right back!
Roommate #1: Woosie! woosie!
[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]
Hannibal Lecter: I wouldn’t mock me. Once before, a man mocked me. I hate his liver with some fava beans and a nice-
[ answering machine plays next message ]
Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Oh, honey.. don’t overdo it on the fava beans, now. You know how they give you the toots. Bye bye!
[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]
Announcer: Madness. Genius. Evil.
[ dissolve to Hannibal sitting on the toilet with an empty roll of toilet paper ]
Hannibal Lecter: You know, fellows.. out of four roommates, you would think that I wouldn’t have to be the only one who gets new toilet paper. I mean, it’s common courtesy – you use up a roll, you get a new one.
Announcer: His evil can be contained. But it cannot be controlled.
[ dissolve to Hannibal standing in front of the mirror, hairbrush held in front of him like a microphone as he sings along to the “Theme From WKRP In Cincinnati” ]
Hannibal Lecter: “Baby, if you’ve ever wondered Wondered what ever became of me. I’m living on the air.. in Cincinnati Cincinnati, WKRP.”
Roommate #1: Dude. What are you doing?
Hannibal Lecter: [ meekly ] Pretending I’m Johnny Fever..?
Announcer: The beginning of evil. “Hannibal Lector Goes To College”.
[ dissolve to close-up of Hannibal wearing a muffler over his mouth ]
Hannibal Lecter: Gentlemen..
[ dissolve to full shot of Hannibal harnessed from head to toe ]
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan Gabby Connors…..Horatio Sanz Sean Kelly…..Matt Damon
[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)
[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]
Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow!! Hey! Dig this! Tonight, we’re gonna meet some animals that are very messy, becuase some of them were raised in a barn! I’m very excited! so, let’s get going! Our first guest is like a human cactus! Please welcome.. a porcu-pi-i-i-ine!
[ Dale Dudley enters with porcupine ]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?!
Dale Dudley: Uh.. I’m Dale Dudley, from the Texas Wildlife Center in Austin.
Brian Fellow: Hello, Austin!
Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] No, I’m from the Wildlife Center in Austin. My name is Dale Dudley.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!!
Dale Dudley: Hello, Brian. I want you to meet my porcupine friend – his name is Willy.
Brian Fellow: That rat needs a haircut!
Dale Dudley: You’re.. half right. The porcupine is in the rodent family. Those hairs are actually a thousand quills.
Brian Fellow: All I’m saying is he needs a haircut! Looking all homeless, and stuff!
Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] His shaggy appearance is helpful in many ways.
Brian Fellow: Well, I imagine that his short quils are evolution’s way of providing him with an excellent defense against his natural predators!
Dale Dudley: [ smiles ] Yea-ah! That’s very good, yeah.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brain Fellow!!
Dale Dudley: [ continues ] And his quills are also important in the mating process, see? The male impregnates the female by spraying her quills..
Brian Fellow: [ angered ] Hush up! That dirty talk!
Dale Dudley: I’m sorry?
Brian Fellow: We don’t talk about the birds and the bees on this show! Unless our guests are birds or bees! And sometimes not even then!
Dale Dudley: I’m sorry.
Brian Fellow: Keep it clean, please!
Dale Dudley: Alright. Well.. the quills are also used in self-defense. The tail is covered with over 30,000 quills, set in, uh.. you know, snake barbs. Right? So, they can give you avery nasty prick-
Brian Fellow: See, that’s it! I said no dirty talk! That is it! Take him away! You and your shaggy friend have to go! Please! [ Dale exits with his porcupine ] Put some soap in your mouth! I apologize about that, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully, we’ll bleep that on the West Coast. [ pauses, then smiles ] Our next guest likes mus and going to the market. Please welcome, a pot-bellied pi-i-i-i-igg!
[ Sean Kelly enters with pot-bellied pig ]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Sean Kelly: I’m Sean Kelly, from the Shawndale Ranch in Modesto, California.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!
Sean Kelly: Hi, Brian!
Brian Fellow: Hi-i-i!!
Sean Kelly: Hello. Uh.. this is Zevon.. and he’s a two-year old pot-bellied pig.
Brian Fellow: I don’t care what he is! He better not talk dirty like that cactus rat! I know that!
Sean Kelly: Uh, no.. he won’t.. but, although pigs are known to play in the mud a bit, they are surprisingly, uh.. clean animals. They make excellent housepets..
Brian Fellow: Why does that pig hate Jewish people?! Why? Why? Tell us why he hates Jewish people!
Sean Kelly: [ confused ] I-I have no idea what you’re talking about..
Brian Fellow: Well, you would think that, since they don’t eat him, he would be happy!
Sean Kelly: [ more confused ] O-kay. [ quick pause ] Well, miniature pot-bellied pigs aren’t bred to be eaten by anyone, so.. so they are happy.
Brian Fellow: I know your pig got a fat gut! He should wear a big belt buckle! That’s what my Uncle Kool-Aid does.
Sean Kelly: [ confused ] You have an Uncle Kool-Aid?
Brian Fellow: Leave Kool-Aid out of this, please! So, tell us: how is different than a regular pig?
Sean Kelly: Oh, well, that’s a great question. Uh.. besides the obvios size.. [ touches top of pig cage ]
Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] Don’t let him out!
Sean Kelly: Well, okay, but.. but.. besides the obvious size difference, the snout on miniatures is significantly longer than most..
[ Sean keeps talking, as Brian’s mind wanders to thoughts of the porcupine talking to him ]
Porcupine: Hey, Brian! Your show is going down the toilet! There’s only one way to save it: let me show everybody my weiner!
Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] NO!!! IU son’t want to see your weiner!
Sean Kelly: [ confused ] Uh, well.. I.. I had no intention of showing you my weiner.
Brian Fellow: Well, can you and your bloated friend kill a porcupine?!
Sean Kelly: Uh.. I run a shelter for animals.. I don’t kill them..
Brian Fellow: [ waves $5 bill seductively ] What if Abe Lincoln asked you to do it?
Sean Kelly: Absolutely not!
Brian Fellow: Well, I guess I gotta kill him myself! Well, that’s all the time we have for today! Join me next time when my guest will be a fruit fly! ‘Cause that’s crazy!! And I’m Brian Fellow!!
Female Voiceover…..Amy Poehler Dr. Phil…..Jeff Richards Female Guest…..Maya Rudolph Santa Claus…..Will Forte
Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. He’s insightful.
[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]
Dr. Phil: If you want to have a bowl of cereal.. you better get yourself, a bowl, and guess what? You better find yourself some cereal, as well, in addition to milk. and sugar, if you want.
Female Voiceover: He’s provocative.
[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]
Dr. Phil: Take your top off.
[ without questioning him, female guest removes her top ]
Female Voiceover: And he knows the answers.
[ cut to interview with Santa Claus from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]
Dr. Phil: So, you think that these kids, uh.. won’t love you, if.. if you don’t give them toys?
Santa Claus: [ meekly ] I guess you’re right..
Dr. Phil: [ sighs painfully ] You must have a pretty low opinion of yourself.
Santa Claus: I guess I do..
Dr. Phil: I mean.. I want kids all over the world, to love me so much so, that I structuremy life around delivering toys to them!
Santa Claus: I see your point..
Dr. Phil: I mean, a rooster only crows so many times before the mama knows a henhouse fulla graham crackers!
Santa Claus: [ confused ] What the hell does that mean?
Dr. Phil: It means.. you can stuff as many donuts in that mouth as you can, that Santa suit’s only gonna stretch so far, fat ass!
Santa Claus: [ offended ] What?! What did you just say? That was mean! Was that supposed to help me?!
Dr. Phil: I mean, the rabbit hole doesn’t help the rabbit, unless blink-blop-blink!
Santa Claus: That didn’t make any sense, either.
Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? Well, I think you’re a fat, old perv! Now, how that.. how’s that workin’ for ya’?!
Santa Claus: I came here to work on myself! This is ridiculous! [ walks off set ]
…..Matt Damon Dr. Matt Damon…..Chris Parnell Pat Damon…..Amy Poehler Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad…..Darrell Hammond Ben Affleck…..Tracy Morgan Dr. Julius Erving…..Dean Edwards
[ open on Matt Damon sitting on a park bench, as a man dressed in a doctor’s lab coat steps forward ]
Dr. Matt Damon: Uh, excuse me.. I-I hate to bother you, but are you Matt Damon?
Matt Damon: Uh.. yeah.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ chuckles ] That’s amazing.. that’s really amazing!
Matt Damon: Uh, well.. [ laughs, though he isn’t sure why ]
Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. because my name’s also Matt Damon.
Matt Damon: [ now amazed as well ] Oh, really?
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.
Matt Damon: [ notices name tag on doctor’s lab coat ] Oh, yeah! There.. “Dr. Matt Damon”!
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, I’m the Chief of Ontcology at Mount Sinai.
Matt Damon: Oh, that’s great, man! [ extends hand to shake ] Matt Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ shakes hands with Matt Damon ] Matt Damon. [ awkward, determined pause ] Yo-o-ou have no idea what it’s been like for me. You have absolutely no idea! [ chuckles ]
Matt Damon: Ohhhh..
Dr. Matt Damon: My whole life, I was Matt Damon! I just took it for granted. [ chuckles ] And then I had my very identity ripped away.
Matt Damon: Hey. Come on, man, that’s not true. Your identity’s not about your name, man. It’s about who you are, what you do.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughs ] That’s easy for you to say, Matt Damon. For 32 years, I was “Matt Damon”. “Handsome Matt”. “Funny Matt”. High school quarterback. First in my class at medical school. Youngest department head in Mount Sinai history. And then, suddenly, you come along, and everyone I meet is disappointed that I’m not the “real” Matt Damon. I’m just.. a sad imposter.
Matt Damon: Come on, man, that’s just ridiculous! You’re obviously very accomplished.
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, well, too bad they don’t give out Oscars for Ontcology.
Matt Damon: Yeah, but you probably saved lives.
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.. probably.
[ an attractive woman walks past the back of the park bench, but stops when she thinks she recognizes Matt Damon ]
Pat Damon: Oh, my God! Are you Matt Damon?!
Matt Damon: Yeah..
Dr. Matt Damon: I’m gonna puke..
Pat Damon: [ elated ] This is so weird! My name is Pat Damon!
Matt Damon: [ amazed ] Really?
Pat Damon: [ laughs ] Yeah! People always say we should get married! [ laughs ] Who’s your friend?
Matt Damon: Oh.. yeah.. Uh.. Pat Damon, Matt Damon. Matt Damn, Pat Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon: You know, maybe we should get married.
Pat Damon: [ stern ] I don’t think so.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ stung ] Hmm.
[ Dr. Matt Damon’s dad wanders into the scene ]
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt! I thought we were gonna meet at the fountain!
Dr. Matt Damon: No, Dad.. we said the bench. [ relunctant ] Uh.. Matt, Pat.. this is my father.
Pat Damon: Hi! Pat Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: Matt Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: Oh! So, you’re also a Matt Damon?
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Long before you were a Matt Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, but you’re not “the” Matt Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Yeah, but I once was! And you never will be!
[ black gentleman enters scene, excited to notice Dr. Matt Damon ]
Ben Affleck: Oh, my.. Matt Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ not particularly interested ] Yeah?
Ben Affleck: Hell yeah, it’s Matt Damon! Oh, man, it’s Matt Damon! I haven’t seen you since high school bra!
Dr. Matt Damon: I’m sorry.. you’re gonna have to refresh my memory..
Ben Affleck: Oh, come on! You don’t remember me? Ben? The Chess Team? Math Society? We won the Drama trophy!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ excited, now that the memories have come back to him ] Oh, my God! Ben Affleck!
Ben Affleck: Right! Oh, man! I can’t believe it! I go for a walk in the park, and who do I bump into – Matt Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing, makes introductions ] Ben, this is my father, Matt Damon.
Ben Affleck: Go ahead!
Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon. Uh.. Pat Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Pat Damon. Uh.. and, of course, Matt Damon!
[ black doctor enters scene ]
Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon! Dr. Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: Oh! Dr. Julius Erving! Um.. Matt Damon, uh.. Pat Damon, uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, uh.. Dr. J. Dr. J., Matt Damon, Pat Damon, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck.
Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon, I-I just got the results back from the lab, and they were conclusive. You did it!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ numb, can’t believe his ears ] I did it..! I cured cancer! Matt Damon cured cancer! I’m Matt Damon – The Matt Damon! I’m #1! I’m #1! The most famous Matt Damon in the world!
Matt Damon: Congratulations!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing hysterically ] I’M MATT DAMON!!
[ cut to newspaper article with headline: “Matt Damon Cures Cancer” ]
[ zoom out on newspaper, to reveal bigger article at the top of the page with headline: “Matt Damon Engaged” ]
Sully: Hey Tommy, hows the audio? Keep the camera under your shirt, its contraband. Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, coming to you live from the second row of the Fleet Centre. Im at the Bruce Springsteen concert courtesy of my cousin Scotty Skayner.
Scotty: YEAH!!
Sully: He was the 104th caller on W.R.O.W.
Scotty: I know exactly when to call!! Im like a numbers whiz like that queer on Good Will Hunting.
Both: BRUCE!!!
Sully: Yeah, Skayner won 2 top notch tickets.
Scotty: Yeah, I was gonna bring my girlfriend but her water broke.
Sully: Such is my good fortune. Now when attending a Springsteen concert, one must bring in certain provisions for the long night ahead. Binoculars, full of grain alcohol (opens one of the eye pieces of the binoculars and pours liquid into his mouth).
Scotty: I aint paying $6 for a beer. Who do you think I am – Regis?
Sully: Number 2: Line your pockets with plastic bags.
Scotty: Insert Tor-till-ia chips.
Sully: Have your friend or loved one pour in scolding hot cheese. (Scotty dips a chip into the bag of cheese)
Both: INSTANT NACHOS!!
Scotty: I just saved another $14, so suck on that Fleet Centre!! Youll never be the Garden!!
Sully: And finally, if your girlfriend doesnt have a ticket, wrap her legs around these velvet ribs and strap Zazoo across your engine. (Sully unbuttons his jacket and Zazoo jumps out)
Denise: ZAZOO!!!! Next time we do this, you gotta tone down the dry-con-wah.
Sully: Thats fruit you whore!
Denise: Youre a whore!
Sully: You are!
Denise: I am. (Sully and Denise start making out)
Scotty: God, I swear to god, I am so pumped up for Bruce. His music represents the life of the working man. (Sully ad Denise stop kissing)
Denise: What would you know about working, Skayner?
Scotty: I work. Im a beer liaison for the under-aged.
Denise: Yeah, Ive seen your corner office next to the dumpster at Cappys Liquors.
Scotty: Shut up!
Denise: You shut up!
Scotty: Sully, who wears the pants in this relationship?
Sully: No one, when it’s going good!!
Scotty: Well you better tell your woman to shut up!
Denise: Oh my god, Sully he cant talk to me like that, alright? Only two people can tell me to shut up. My mother and her boyfriend, and last time I checked Skayner, you and my mother werent going out no more.
Scotty: She broke my heart.
Sully: Come on Denise, lay off Skayner, he comes from a broken home.
Scotty: Yeah, literally! My dad drove his Skylark through our bay window.
Denise: Irregardless! (to Scotty) You are working my last nerve.
Sully: (to Denise) You are!! (they start making out, then Frank appears holding a large tray of beers and they stop)
Frank: Hey dudes. You thirsty?
Sully: Whoa Frank, you got a job selling beer?
Frank: No. (He drinks one of the beers) Hey I saw a set list on google-dot-com. Bruce is going to play for like 7 hours. I hope he plays Justice Girl. (walking away) BRUCE SPRINGFIELD!!
Denise: 7 hours! Skayner, youre totally going to miss the birth of your child!
Scotty: Oh look it! The fact is, Im 100% sure that this is Bruce Springsteen, Im only like 60% sure thats my kid.
Sully: Yeah, unlike Skayners kid, Bruce isnt going to surprise everyone by coming out half black!
Scotty: Oh look!! Here we go, here we go!! (the entire crowd of begin cheering) Hey, hey, hey, HEY!! Let me make something abundantly clear. I dont want any of you drunks singing along to Thunder road in my ear. I came here to see the boss, not the shipping department at Circuit City. And I got a sock full of pennys for anyone who thinks I am joking!! (Scotty starts twirling the sock around) WHO WANTS IT? WHO WANTS IT? (he stops)
(Bruce begins to play, as the crowd goes wild. Dancing in the Dark begins to play)
Denise: Oh my god.
Sully: Dancing in the dark, interesting choice
Denise: Hes looking right at me, OH MY GOD!! (a spotlight goes onto Denise and she walks towards the stage)
Scotty: No way!! (A hand grabs Denises and Sully and Scotty try to help her up)
Sully: Get up there girl!! Get up there!!
Scotty: Use your legs!!
Denise: (to Bruce) I cant believe it!!
Sully: This is what you get for skipping Phys. Ed.
Scotty: Your upper arm strength is sorely lacking.
Denise: Get me up here. (to Bruce) Your so gorgeous!!
Sully: Its the jugs!! He cant lift the jugs!! (they give up, and another Bruce grabs another girls hand and pulls her onto stage)
Denise: Oh my god, Im wicked devastated!!
Sully: Dont be sad Zazoo, Id rather dance with you than Courtney Cox.
Denise: Awww (they start making out)
Scotty: Not me, Id take Cox any day! Give me Cox all the time, I want Cox all over me!! (Sully and Denise stop making out)
Sully: Oh my god, Tommy please tell me you got any one of those! (the camera nods yes, and Sully and Denise make out again)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 28: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 5th, 2002 Matt Damon Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band None None NBC Special ReportSummary: Live, via satellite, Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) rides on the back of a missle headed for Iraq. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Dick Cheney. Note: This sketch was originally planned as a satellite commentary on Weekend Update, but was converted into a cold opening at the last minute because the original cold opening bombed during dress rehearsal. Transcript
Montage
Matt Damon’s MonologueSummary: Because he wants to perform in a sketch about a huge summer news story, Matt Damon performs an impression of Justin Timberlake participating in a club dance-off with ex-girlfriend Britney Spears (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Justin Guarini, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears. Transcript
The NRA ISummary: The AFLAC duck is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz). Transcript
Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) won’t allow animal sex talk on his show. Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow. Transcript
The NRA IISummary: Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Carrot Top. Transcript
Springsteen ConcertSummary: Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend a Bruce Springsteen concert. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank. Transcript
Nutri-QuickSummary: Anal-suppository meals for when you’re really on-the-go. Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian. Transcript
Hannibal Goes to CollegeSummary: A college-aded Hannibal Lecter (Matt Damon) attends Michigan State in the latest “Silence of the Lambs” prequel trailer. Transcript
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band perform “Lonesome Day”Note: After an 18-year hiatus, Budweiser once again becomes the official sponsor of SNL’s musical guest segment.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers and Matt Damon give advice to Yankees fans. Spanish comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) teaches Jimmy Fallon how to tell comedy by using a catchphrase. Recurring Characters: Fericito. Transcript
Dr. Matt DamonSummary: A doctor named Matt Damon (Chris Parnell) doesn’t like being in movie star Matt Damon’s shadow. Note: Ben Affleck was scheduled to make a cameo appearance during this sketch, but he had to cancel at the last minute. Transcript
Versace PocketsSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces new and expensive microwave dinners. Recurring Characters: Dontella Versace, Puff Daddy, Rosie O’Donnell, Axl Rose. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, “The Smurfette Show” combines the antics of Anna Nicole Smith and the Smurfs.
Bruce Springsteen performs “You’re Missing”Also Performed: 91s.
Sex RobotSummary: A lazy scientist (Matt Damon) tries to pass off his Sex Robot project as fundamental research. Transcript
The Dr. Phil ShowSummary: Dr. Phil (Jeff Richards) confuses his guests with his off-kilter Texan expressions. Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil, Santa claus. Transcript
The War On IraqSummary: NBC airs a new, hilarious sitcom based on real-time political events. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Note: Darrell Hammond was to take over Will Ferrell’s vacated role as President George W. Bush, but the sketch bombed so badly at dress rehearsal that it was replaced with a Dick Cheney bit from Weekend Update. Though Chris Parnell would resume the role for the remainder of the season, Hammond did get the opportunity to portray the Commander-in-Chief in two live broadcasts in 2003 before being replaced by Will Forte.
Announcer: You’re watching Nickelodeon! Coming up: it’s a double dose of “Blues Clues” at 9! But right now, stay tuned for the new hit show, straight from Germany’s Kinder Funnan Network – it’s time for “Der Lachlen Beherrscht”, “The Smile Masters”!
Herr Gracken: Gud morgen!
Olaus: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!
[ cut to bizarre opening credits sequence ]
[ open on Herr Gracken hammering a nail into a board ]
Olaus: [ subtitles: “Mr. Gracken! We have new American children watching.” ]
Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Then we will wound them with good cheer!” ]
[ they approach the kids in the studio audience, in a studio surrounded by meat hanging on racks ]
Olaus: Gud morning, kinder! We think you have not known true happiness before this date! Shall we evacorate?
Herr Gracken: Olaus! Achtung! Achtung!
Olaus: Would any of you like a good treat?
Kid: I want some candy!
Olaus: Non! We have coffee and radishes!
[ Herr Dokter brings in coffee and radishes and yells at the kids ]
[ Herr Gracken and Olaus introduce the Science Lesson, as a skeleton drops down and starts singing “I’m Inside of Every One of You!” ]
Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Next week we learn about teeth!” ]
Hulga: [ cracks whip at Herr Gracken ] Now we learn about isolation.
Together: Schnell! Schnell!
Hulga: [ before tray of three objects ] Which of these objects does not belong? A corkscrew.. an ear.. justice. [ points to kid in audience ] You! [ subtitle: “Answer correctly!” ]
Kid: [ scared ] Justice?
Hulga: [ subtitle: “It was the ear!” ]
Herr Gracken: [ pounds ear with his hammer ] Now you wear the Armor of Knowledge!
Blue Man: [ subtitle: I am sorry! So very, very sorry!” ]
Herr Dokter: It’s time to learn.. how to behave.. at funeraaaalllss!
[ Herr Gracken and Olaus wheel a coffin in front of the frightened kids, as the corpse rises and shakes his hands at the kids; they run out of the studio in fear ]
All: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!!
Announcer: “The Smile Masters” has been cancelled. Nickelodeon will be settling out of court with the family of any child who saw this. Now, stay tuned for “Blue’s Clues”! Once again.. our bad..
Saturday Night Live Transcripts contains over 2,000 transcripts of SNL’s most popular sketches. Updated weekly with new transcripts, from the early days of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players to its current incarnation.
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts Featuring 3,907 transcripts from “Saturday Night Live”
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Air Date:
