Category:

KXLA Special Report

Maria Escobal…..Maya Rudolph
Drew Barrymore…..Katie Holmes
Tom Green…..Jimmy Fallon
Fireman…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. We bring you now to Maria Escobal in the Hollywood Hills.

Maria Escobal: You’re looking at live footage of the home of actress Drew Barrymore, which caught fire tonight sometime around 1 a.m. We knew her career was on fire, now so is her house! Barrymore is the flame-haired actress who is known for her hot roles in “Firestarter”, “Home Fries“, and “Charlie’s Angels”. [ picking up a message in her earpiece ] What’s that? Stop making puns. Sorry. Okay. Apparently, Barrymore and her comedian fiance, Tom Green, escaped from the house unharmed, thanks to Drew’s dog Flossie. [ looks to the side ] Drew! Drew! KXLA News. What happened tonight?

[ as Drew walks up, Tom stands behind her open-mouthed and wide-eyed ]

Drew Barrymore: It was so magical! I mean, I was sleeping, and I heard this incessant barking and hairy wet face all over my body, and.. I thought it was Tom. But it was Flossie trying to save us. [ pets Flossie ] Good boy, Flossie!

Maria Escobal: Tom Green! Tom Green! Do you have any comments?

Tom Green: I’m angry that our house is burnt! My house is burning! Stop! Stop the house! Stop the house, it’s burning! It’s burning!

Drew Barrymore: Yes. Stop burning! [ laughs at Tom’s oh-so-cute antics ]

Maria Escobal: Are you at all saddened over the loss of personal property you’ve experienced tonight?

Drew Barrymore: [ long pause ] No. Tom is such a source of stability and comfort for me. He’s really my home.

Tom Green: [ yelling into megaphone ] My bum is on fire! My bum is on fire! I am not a liar! My bum is on fire! [ Drew laughs; Tom grabs Maria’s microphone ] I’m a newslady! I say things about the news!

Maria Escobal: Give me that..

Tom Green: Tom Green, let’s talk to your nipples, see what he thinks about the fire! [ squeezes his nipple ] “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple! Nipple, nipple, nipple!”

Maria Escobal: [ retrieves her microphone ] Here’s on of the firemen. Sir, do you think you’ll be able to save the house?

Fireman: Hell, no! I mean, that’s gonna burn down to the ground! We’re just happy that we saved Drew and the animal.

Maria Escobal: And Tom Green?

Fireman: Whatever.

Tom Green: [ in the Fireman’s face ] You’re a fireman! You put out fires! Fireman! Fire! [ licks Fireman’s face ]

Fireman: [ laughing ] This guy’s funny, man! This dude is hilarious! I sure want to get hot wit’choo!

Maria Escobal: So, Drew, Flossie the dog is the hero of the day.

Drew Barrymore: Flossie is so smart! I look into her eyes, and it’s, like, she’s trying to tell me something. What were you trying to tlel me, girl? [ bends down to pet Flossie ]

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Drew.. you’ve got to drop this guy.. he’s a dud.. He makes David Arquette look like a genius..

Tom Green: [ sits on Flossie, pretending to hump her ] Doggie, Doggie, Doggie! Sorry, Doggie. Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, Go-o-od.. good Lord, even I know this guy’s a loser, and I’m afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Maria Escobal: I guess we’ll never know what Flossie is thinking, even though we’re burning to find out! For KXLA News, this is Maria Escobal reporting.

Tom Green: [ spreading face into the camera ] Doggie! doggie! Doggie! Doggie..!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing

Donald Rumsfield…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Reporter #2…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #3…..Rachel Dratch
Reporter #4…..Will Ferrell
Reporter #5…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #6…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #7…..Dean Edwards

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh.. [ checks his watch ] ..good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. Although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I’ve done many times before, it’s only part of the larger war on terror! Now, I’ll be happy to take any questions you may have. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #1: Today also marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Does the U.S. plan on suspending its bombing campaign during this period?

Donald Rumsfeld: Do we plan? Do we plan to cease bombing during Ramadan? I suppose my answer to that would be I’m not gonna tell you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #2: We’re getting reports of U.S. special-ops forces being dropped into Taliban areas with camoflauge and night-vision goggles. This means the Taliban soldiers won’t be able to see our troops, but we’ll be able to see them. Is that fair?

Donald Rumsfeld: Is it fair? I imagine my reply to would be that life itself is not fair. In war, one tries to maximize one’s advantage, fair or unfair, wherere possible. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Um.. yes. With our military campaign stalled, and the opposition forces seemingly bogged down in a quagmire, isn’t there a danger the U.S. will look like a weakling and thus lose support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Isn’t that the same question you asked last week?

Reporter #3: Oh, I’m sorry. Um.. okay.. with our military campaign moving so rapidly, and opposition forces easily running over Taliban areas, isn’t their a danger the U.S. will look like a bully, and thus lose its support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh, that sounds like an interesting question, and certainly well-intentioned.. but I’m gonna be honest with you, I drifted off in the middle of it! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #4: We’re being told that Northern Alliance forces are firing back at Taliban troops who have fired on them, even though the Taliban troops have missed. Does the U.S. condone that?

Donald Rumsfeld: Now, what kind of question is that?

Reporter #4: Thought-provoking?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo.

Reporter #4: Incisive?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo. Remember what I said about your question the other day?

Reporter #4: That it was.. idioitic?

Donald Rumsfeld: And?

Reporter #4: And that I’m an embarrassment both to myself and my newspaper?

Donald Rumsfeld: That’s right! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes, you have a question?

Reporter #5: [ shaking head ] No. No.

Donald Rumsfeld: You had your hand up!

Reporter #5: Well, I did.. but I don’t want to ask my question any more.

Donald Rumsfeld: Why not?

Reporter #5: Too scared.

Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, does anyone else have any questions? [ ] Nobody? Alright, I have a question. Why am I doing this? I had a satisfying, highly-paid career in the private sector. What would possess me to take this job, so I could stand here day after day and answer a lot of fool questions from a collection of cretins, hacks and angry lesbians such as yourselves! What was I thinking?! Can one of you tell me? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #6: Um.. why do we have to answer questions?

Donald Rumsfeld: Because it’s my press briefing, and I say so.

Reporter #1: Colin Powell doesn’t make us answer questions.

Donald Rumsfeld: That a fact?

Reporter #4: [ meekly ] Colin Powell is nice.

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, I’m nice, too. If I seem to be tough on you, it’s because I love you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Uh.. isn’t there a danger that your tough-love approach will make you seem mean, thus losing the support of the Washington press corps as well as the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Perhaps in the short run, but one day I suspect they’ll thank me. Any other questions? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #7: Can you tell us anything about how “Saturday Night Live” plans to open their show this week?

Donald Rumsfeld: No! Any other questions? Nobody? Alright, then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Cracklin’ Oat Flakes

Cereal Lover…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Ana Gasteyer
Boss…..Chris Parnell

[ open on sunny morning ]

[ show Cereal Lover showering, getting dressed, starting his day ]

Jingle: “Waking up, starting fresh.
Feeling your best is the only way.”

Cereal Lover: [ enters kitchen ] Good morning, dear.

Wife: Good morning.

Cereal Lover: Honey? We’re all out of Cracklin’ Oat Flakes.

Wife: How about new Cracklin’ Oat Flakes? Now with Ecstasy.

Cereal Lover: Oo-ooh! [ pours bowl, eat, begins to trip out to rave music ]

Rave Jingle: “Can you feel my love?
It’s inside you.
Take me home, I’m your synthetic lover
And your mind will be ravin’.
I also contain 16 essential vitamins and riboflavin.”

Announcer: Cracklin’ Oat Flakes. Pounding at your heart with the fist of God.

Voiceover: Warning: Cracklin’ Oat Flakes may cause damage to your spinal fluid.

SNL Transcripts

A Message From The Vice-President Of The United States

Vice-President Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond

Vice-President Al Gore: Hi. I’m Al Gore. I’ve asked to speak withyou tonight, because we are a nation in crisis. A crisis more serious thananything we have faced in our entire history. In the election held lastTuesday, I, and my running-mate Joe Lieberman, received a clear majority ofthe popular vote. However, according to our Constitution, it is not thepopular vote, but that of the Electoral College which determines the winner.And I accept that, even though I won a majority of the vote. Now, many haveargued that this may be unfair, in as much as I, the winner of the popularvote, could still lose this election in the Electoral College. But that isour system. And until that system changes, perhaps in the next election, orretroactively, for this one, I will abide by it. Even though, as I said, Iwon a clear majority of the popular vote.

But I’m not here tonight to talk about the popular vote that I won – although Idid win it, I won a clear majority of it. My concern is with the state ofFlorida, and the outrageous voting irregularities which took place there.And it shows a clearly illegal ballot, used only in a heavily DemocraticPalm Beach county, particularly in African-American and elderly Jewishcommunities. [ grabs the ballot for show ] In the opinion of most independentobservers, this is the single most confusing, bewildering, incipherabledocument ever produced. To begin with, how do you know which side to vote on?[ holds it up on one side ] Is this right-side up? [ flips it over ]Or is this right-side up? The ballot dosn’t say. And what’s withall these confusing names? Bush. Gore. Buchanan. Nader. And confusingparty affiliations. Democrat. Republican. Reform. Here’s one called”Green”. And here’s more names. George. Patrick. Albert. John. John.There’s two different Johns.. I mean, who on earth could figure this out.But to really understand how confusing this ballot is, you have to take acloser look. Here it is. [ close-up is shown ] Now, for the love of God,what are all these dots? And these arrows? If you look closely, you willsee that tips of the arrow points to a dot.. but the shaftof the arrow points back to a name. So how do you vote? Do youcircle a candidate’s name? Do you underline it? Or do you write it on thearrow? Or underneath? Or maybe it’s the dots. Do you write the candidate’sname on the dots? They seem sort of small. Maybe just his initials. Ordo you color in the dots? If so, in what color? Maybe you scratch the dotswith the edge of a penny. Or lick the dots. Again, this ballot doesnot spell it out. I went to Harvard – I couldn’t make heads or tailsof this. [ puts ballot away ]

Just imagine what it was like for the most vulnerable residents of PalmBeach. [ holds up photo ] This is Esther Rosenthal. Esther Rosenthal isage 92, a Democrat all her life.. Esther left her nursing home Tuesdaymorning intending to vote for me! Totally bewildered by this ballot,she ended up voting for the Libertarian candidate, and switching herlong-distance service to Sprint. [ holds up next photo ] Okay.. Sidney andReesa Mandel, age 87 and 85, ate their ballot! [ holds up nextphoto ] While Rachel Goldensten, age 96, mailed hers to Barbra Streisand.

Now, once more, this ballot fiasco not only violated the rights of PalmBeach citizens, it may also have cost my ticket the state of Florida andgiven my opponent a majority in the Electoral College, even though themajority of the popular vote, for those of you just joining this program,went to me. So, how can this injustice be remedied? Clearly, the onlyone practical solution, as any fair-minded person would agree, is to havea revote among the African-American and elderly Jewish residents of PalmBeach county with a simple, clearly-readable ballots, printed in English,Hebrew and Ebonics. Let the people vote, and the chips fall where they may.Should I win the vote, even though it’s impossible to predict.. that’sfine. Should Governor Bush win – again, let’s just say – so be it. I’llaccept the judgment of the people of Florida and move on.. to challenge thevote totals in Tennessee.. Ohio.. Nevada.. Missouri.. New Hampshire.. NewMexico.. Arkansas.. and West Virginia. Also, Dick Cheney may nottechnically be a United States citizen. We’re looking into that.Thank you, and God bless you.

SNL Transcripts

The Weakest Link

Anne Robinson….Rachel Dratch
Dennis…..Will Ferrell
Dale…..Chris Kattan
Yvette…..Ana Gasteyer
Carl…..Tracy Morgan
Tamara…..Maya Rudolph
Dan…..Horatio Sanz
Dashiell…..Jerry Minor
R.J……Jimmy Fallon
Anne Robinson’s father…..Pierce Brosnan

[ show contestants backstage before the show ]

Announcer: Here are the eight contestants who will take part in tonight’s show. One of them will walk away with up to $1 million. The rest will be voted off as “The Weakest Link”.

[ show title, then dissolve to the game set ]

Anne Robinson: Welcome to.. “The Weakest Link”. Let’s meet tonight’s team. Halfwits, you may now grunt for the camera.

Dennis: I’m Dennis. I’m from Tallahassee, Florida. I’m a telemarketer for Grit Magazine.

Dale: I’m Dale, from Columbus, Ohio, and I own a gym.

Yvette: I’m Yvette. I’m from Dallas, Texas, and I’m a part-time DJ.

Carl: My name is Carl. I’m from Brooklyn, New York, and I’m studying to get my Stepman’s license!

Tamara: Hi, my name is Tamara. I’m from Austin, Texas, and I’m an associate sales rep for Herbalife.

Dan: Hi. I’m Dan, from Ohio, and I sell tie-dye on the World Wide Web.

Dashiell: My name is Dashiell, I’m from San Antonio, Texas, and I’m a counselor at a Christian boot camp.

R.J.: I’m R.J. from Forth Worth, Texas, and I’m a baggage handler at the St. Louis bus terminal.

Anne Robinson: Contestants like you make me realize that mandatory sterilization programs aren’t such a bad idea. We’ll start with Peahead #1 – that’s you, Dennis., Let’s play “The Weakest Link”. Dennis, in television, Ernie, Chip, and Uncle Charlie were regular characters on what 1965 sitcom?

Dennis: “My Three Sons”.

Anne Robinson: Correct. And, congratulations. It seems sitting around in your underwear watching Nick-at-Nite has finally paid off. Dale, in literature, which 1851 epic novel begins with the words “Call Me Ishmael”?

Dale: “Moby Dick”.

Anne Robinson: Correct. I can tell you’re quite familiar with the word “dick”.

Dale: Why.. why would you say that?

Anne Robinson: Yvette. In science, physicist Edward Lamb founded which instant film and camera company.

Yvette: Polaroid!

Anne Robinson: Correct. And, Yvette, speaking of ‘roids, I wish I could get rid of you with some Preparation H! Carl.. who is so fat that when she backs up, she goes, “Beep, beep, beep”?

Carl: I-I-I don’t know.

Anne Robinson: Your momma! Tamara.. in quantum mechanics, you are an ugly, ugly woman who is going to die alone and unloved.

Tamara: That wasn’t even a question!

Anne Robinson: Correct! No question about it.

Anne Robinson: Dan.. Fred Flintstone called. He wants his head back.

Dan: Come on, now.. come on..

Anne Robinson: Dashiell.. are you a moron in a cage?

Dashiell: Of course not.

Anne Robinson: Moron on the loose! Moron on the loose! R.J. In Physics, can you hear this? [ holds middle finger upside-down ]

R.J.: No?

Anne Robinson: Then, let me turn it up! [ holds middle finger up straight ]

R.J.: That is just childish.

Anne Robinson: Well.. that is how we play.. “The Weakest Link”!

Dan: Hey.. why are you so mean?

Anne Robinson: Silence, monkey!!

Dennis: Honestly. Why don’t you help us out here? Why are you such an unbelievable bitch?

Anne Robinson: I.. I never thought about it before.. [ thinks back ]

[ flashback reveals one fateful day in Anne’s childhood ]

Anne Robinson’s Father: My beautiful children.. my angels.. we love you all so very much. But as you all know, times are very hard and we can’t afford to keep you all. And Anne, since you answered the fewest number of trivia questions correctly, you are.. “The Weakest Link”! Goodbye!

Young Anne Robinson: Mom! Dad! Wait! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”!

[ zoom back to present day, Anne sweating ]

Anne Robinson: I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! [ realizes the truth ] Well.. apparently, I’ve learned something tonight. It seems I have to make a date with a therapist. Goodbye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Rabun to Shuri

Rabun…..Maya Rudolph
Shuri…..Kate Hudson
Lenny…..Jimmy Fallon
Squiggy…..Chris Kattan
Karumain…..Chris Parnell

[ TV Nippon logo appear; Japanese music starts playing ]

Female Announcer: You are watching TV Nippon.

Announcer: Minasama, minasama, goteyamakikku-sabano… Rabun to Shuri!

[ Super: Rabun To Shuri ]

[ cut to opening sequence; Rabun and Shuri are skipping down a sidewalk ]

Rabun and Shuri: Ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku, shichi, hachi, samieru, shumazu, Hantenbana Incorporated! [ giggles, then runs off ]

[ cue music; show Rabun and Shuri doing various tasks: pulling a Biore strip off Rabun’s forehead; working at the Asahi bottling plant; dancing and running into each other ]

Music: “Kihono kihona matte, nakiyanowarimatte, watashi-yaji-ya-noito… Kitteru matte, to matte, anatano… tarakuu… watashiuuuu…”

[ show Rabun and Shuri together; actors names “Miho Kajiyama” and “Yuki Akugai” appear on screen ]

Female Announcer: Rabun to Shuri osaki ni, Live Studio Audience.

[ open sketch inside Rabun and Shuri’s apartment ]

[ Shuri runs in, looking around for something ]

Shuri: Rabun! Rabun! Watashi-no “Bobo Kitty-chan”, hajime-mashitte!

Rabun: [ stands ] Shuu-ri! Anata no Bobo Kitty-chan, nanidenowa?

Rabun and Shuri: [ calling out as they search through things in the apartment ] Bobo Kitty-chan! Bobo Kitty-chan!! Bobo Kitty-chan!!!

Rabun: Shuu-ri! Mitte-ano. [ they sit down at the table ] Milk to Pepsi wa, arimasuyo?

Shuri: [ picks up the cup, smells it, then puts it down ] Ooo, miruku beshi, ooh. Watashi!

[ Suddenly, sliding doors open, and Lenny and Squiggy appear ]

Lenny and Squiggy: Kon-nichiwa!!!

[ the two stumble clumsily down the stairs ]

Lenny: Konnichiwa, Rabun.

Shuri: Renny, Suku-iigii, watashi no Bobo Kitty-chan, dorichi-wa?

Lenny and Squiggy: [ throwing hands up and shrugging shoulders ] Wakarimasu! [ throws kisses at Rabun and Shuri ]

Rabun: Renny, Sukuiigii, anata-no Bobo Kitty-chan, doko desuka?

Lenny and Squiggy: [ throwing hands up and shrugging shoulders ] Wakarimasu! [ throws kisses at Rabun and Shuri ]

[ Rabun and Shuri look at each other in amusement ]

[ cut to TV Nippon logo, then a commercial: A little Japanese boy runs through a grocery store. Then show a cockroach crawling to the center of the screen.]

Ad Jingle: Tan-chin, tan-chin… koki pokko!

[ The cockroach magically turns into a pastry. Show product logo (a wacky duck) as Japanese boy runs off the screen ]

[ back to Rabun To Shuri… Karumain enters room ]

Karumain: [ singing ] Onagi-to no Rags to Riches!

Rabun and Shuri: Karumain!

[ Karumain jumps off stairs stylishly, then takes a stuffed animal, Bobo Kitty-chan, and hands it to Shuri ]

Karumain: Bobo Kitty!

Shuri: Oah! Karumain, domo! [ bows ]

Rabun: Domo! [ bows repeatedly ] Karumain, domo arigato-gozaimasu!

[ everyone in the room is now bowing over and over at each other ]

[ Lenny and Squiggy bow heads towards each other, bumping their heads together and stumbling back ]

[ as everyone laughs at what happened, Karumain takes Shuri’s hand and pulls her over in his arms romantically ]

Karumain: Shuri…

Shuri: [ stopping Karumain ] Ah… cold shower! Cold shower!

Lenny and Squiggy: Cold showa?! [ starts taking off their clothing; Rabun and Shuri look at each other in amusement ]

[ cue closing music ]

Music: Watashi-uuuuu…

[ SUPER: Executive Producers: Gekko Mitzusaka, Taki Mazaki, Eitoko Miki ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

SNL Transcripts

A Message From The Former President Of The United States

Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: And now, a message from the Former President of the United States.

[ open on Bill Clinton sitting in the Oval Office ]

Former President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight, I am coming to you as “Citizen” Bill Clinton. As you know, earlier today, George W. Bush was sworn into office, and now he is your President. For a majority of us, that’s a hard pill to swallow! But I’m not here to talk about that. I have other thoughts that I’d like to share. Incidentally, I was able to get in the Oval Office tonight because I know the guy at the door. And everyone else is out partying. I will admit, I’ve had a few drinks myself! [ shakes off his bourbon ] Now that I’m an ordinary citizen, I can do that! I don’t have to think about what’s responsible and right. I can finally kick back and have a good time! [ laughs ] Who am I kidding? That’s what I did when I was in here! I think I’m gonna enjoy being Citizen Bill Clinton. The Press can put their dirty microscope on George W. now. See how he likes it. Stick around, I bet you’ll find something. I’ll start you off: on October 29th, 1973, George W. Bush did three lines of cocaine and joined in an orgy in a public swimming pool in Houston. How do I know? I was there! See, I can say all that stuff now. Maybe saying goodbye won’t be so hard after all. In my farewell speech the other night, I talked about bringing down the debt, and, you know, about keeping free trade a priority, and I may have bragged a little about making this country a better place. But what I really wanted to say was, “Suck on it!” “Suck.. on.. it.” “Suck on it.” Maybe it’s the booze talking, but I’m pretty sure I took more crap from more people than any President in history, and yet I remain the most popular since Roosevelt, so y’all just suck on it!

President George W. Bush: [ enters Office, angry ] Hey! What are you doing here? I thought they flew you out of town?

Former President Bill Clinton: [ stands ] Hello, George. Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I was. I was boogying down to the Marshall Tucker Band, when someone saw you on TV and said, “Hey, look! There’s the President!” And I said, “Hey, guys, how’s it going?” And they were like, “No, you Turd-Head. The real President, on TV.” And I said, “But I am the real President.” Then everybody laughed, which really steamed me, so here I am. [ to the camera ] Hello, America. I’m your President. And, keep in mind, that’s for a whole year. [ to Clinton ] And you’d better not touch any of these boxes!

Former President Bill Clinton: Is this your stuff?

President George W. Bush: [ looking around ] Hold on a second.. I don’t see.. You didn’t take it..? Oh, there it is! [ reaches in box ] My talking fish! [ pulls out Billy Bass ] I thought you took it.

Former President Bill Clinton: No, no, I.. what is it?

President George W. Bush: It’s my Billy Big-Mouth Talking Bass. It talks, see? [ turns it on ]

Former President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] I’ll be damned! Where’d you get that, that’s the funniest damn thing I ever saw!

President George W. Bush: A guy sold it to me for $1,000.

Former President Bill Clinton: Well, if you ever see another one, why don’t you let me know.

President George W. Bush: I doubt I’ll see another one. But, if I do, I’ll send it along.

Former President Bill Clinton: Okay. You know, George, you’re not half bad. If you keep your mouth shut, and your eyes closed, you’re gonna be alright. Uh.. could you just give me a second?

President George W. Bush: Yeah, sure. [ walks away ]

Former President Bill Clinton: Well, America, I had a lot more I wanted to say tonight. But I guess I’ll end it all by saying, for the last time, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Daley…..Chris Parnell
Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer

Chris Matthews: [Yelling] Welcome back to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews, confusion about Election 2000 rages on,is the system broken, should we throw out the Constitution? Everything going to hell or what? Tonight we examinethe Mt. Olympus of political chicanery: Florida. Or as some call it God’s abandoned construction site.God started making Florida then just said “You know what? Screw it!” Joining us tonight the spokesman from theGore campaign Mr. Bill Daley.

Bill Daley: Hello Chris, can I just say that….

Chris Matthews: No you can’t. Also joining us tonight is the woman at the center of all this controversy,The Secretary of State in Florida, Katherine Harris.

Katherine Harris: [Smiles grotesquely] Hello Chris. Thanks for having me.

Chris Matthews: Mrs. Harris we’ll start with you. Many people have accused you of being a pawn of theRepublican Party. Excuse me one second – I’m gonna raise the volume of my voice. You were Governor Bush’sco-campaign chair in Florida. Seems to me you could be accused of political cronyism.

Katherine Harris: Chris, as I think everyone agrees, my political leanings are irrelevant.I’m merely doing my duty.

Chris Matthews: Yeah? Well the Florida Supreme Court has issued a gag order on you in effect saying,”Hey lady – shut that surgically altered trap of yours. Shut it, until these hand counts are completed.”Now I know these three counties are still hand counting, but I understand you actually have the results. Do youintend to announce the winner today or what?

Katherine Harris: Chris, I intend to obey that gag order. Do I know who has officially won the election?Yes. Am I going to announce it? No. Am I going to enjoy watching that Tennessee robot cry when he hears the results?Yes. Does that make me partisan? I don’t think so.

Chris Matthews: So you’re not going to tell us the results?

Katherine Harris: Chris, I am a public servant. I serve the people of Florida and will abide bytheir directives and guidelines..Bush won. [Giggles]

Chris Matthews: [Startled] Wha..wha..what? I’m sorry?

Katherine Harris: George Bush won! We won! I helped him win, and he’s the President! [Giggles]

Chris Matthews: So what am I hearing – you’re now violating the gag order?

Katherine Harris: Mm hmm! Screw the gag order! Right? Screw it! [Giggles] I’m making it official – Bush won![Giggles] And when he’s President he’s going to make me an ambassador. [Giggles] And not ambassador to somesad country, where everyone’s poor and sick all the time. I’m going to a good country where they have niceclothes and speak English.

Bill Daley: Can I say something here?

Chris Matthews: No you can’t. [Daley throws his hands up] Although I do admire your interrupting and yelling.[Daley gestures appreciatively] Now Mrs. Harris, aren’t you worried the Florida Supreme Court…

Katherine Harris: The Florida Supreme Court can chomp on it, I’m gettin’ out of this backwater state.All I have to do now is practice smiling for my ambassador job. What do you think of this? [Smiles grotesquely]

Chris Matthews: [Winces] Good God! All right we’re out of time. Katherine Harris, Bill Daley, thank youfor joining us.

Bill Daley: I didn’t even get to say anything..I don’t…

Chris Matthews: Shut up! When we return I’m going to yell more on this story. I’m Chris Matthews.You’re watching Hardball.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Parker…..Chris Parnell
Rhonda…..Calista Flockhart
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Employee…..Chris Kattan

[ open on interior, company Technical Support room ]

Parker: Hey, did you see the cover of MacUser Magazine?

Rhonda: Oh, the one with the G-Form-2 on it?

Parker: Next to the Silicon Graphics ZX-10, it’s got to be thecoolest computer in the world!

Nick Burns: [ enters ] Yeah, if, by “cool”, you mean a computer thatdoesn’t have an expansion bay, extra-SIM slots, then yeah, I guess it’sthe fondue of computers, Dilbert!

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Hey, Rhonda, you’re not letting Parker corrupt your harddrive with that crap about the Q-bar, are you?

Rhonda: Oh, don’t worry. This guy’s not getting anywherenear my hard drive!

Parker: I was just saying that the Qube looks better than the G-4tower.

Nick Burns: Oh, yeah? So does Cindy Margulies, but I can’t runQuicken on her.

Parker: [ laughing ] Touche! I would have said Danni Ashe, becauseshe shows her melons. But still, a good one, Nick!

Rhonda: Really good one, Nick. Where ya’ been?

Nick Burns: Oh, jeepers creepers.. I was trying to help those moronson the 3rd floor. They’re trying to run RealPlayer behind a firewall withoutthe proxy set. Can you believe that?

Parker: You should take away their Internet. Those guys are dense!

Employee: [ enters with laptop under his arm ] Hey, Nick.

Rhonda: Here’s one of Jerry’s Kids now.

Employee: What was that?

Nick Burns: She said you’re one of Jerry’s Kids. Now, what do youwant?

Employee: My laptop’s messed up. Uh.. I was sending a file, and it broke.

Nick Burns: [ looking at the laptop ] Geez Louise! Where’d you get that, the “Antiques Road Show”?

Parker: Yeah, uh.. we could take a look at that, and then I could takea look at your copy of “Tron” on BetaMax.

Rhonda: [ laughing ] I remember that model. It came bundled with Frogger!

Employee: You guys gonna help me?

Nick Burns: Show me what you’re doing..

Employee: Well, I’m trying to save it.. so I downloaded it..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh.

Employee: ..and then I pushed..

Nick Burns: Yeah.

Employee: ..this button, and I..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh. Yeah. Move! God, do you run the Interneton this thing? It looks like it’s got a 28.8, or something!
[ techies laugh ]

Rhonda: We could upgrade your modem to a 56.6! [ laughs ]

Employee: Can you.. can you do that?

Parker: Oh, sure. If we had a time machine, and set it back to 1998! [ laughs ]

Employee: [ faux laughs ] Can you please just help me? It just frozeup. I need an e-mail – it’s very important, it’s for a report that I’mdoing today.

Nick Burns: Did you make a back-up file?

Employee: No.

Nick Burns: Never do. Just leave it here – we’ll do some carbon-dating on it!

Employee: I don’t like you guys. [ exits ]

Rhonda: Wow.. if we need any replacement parts, we’ll use anAtari 2600!

Nick Burns: That’s a good one, Rhonda!

Rhonda: You know what irks me? Those buffoons never back-up their files.

Parker: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. I set up my Retrospectremote to back-up my hard drive every Sunday at 3 a.m.

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Retrospect only works with your documents,not your third-party software!

Rhonda: Say goodbye to your system resources! [ laughs ]

Parker: Well, hey.. can you guys cover for me? I better go homeand back that stuff up. Are you gonna be on-line later?

Nick Burns: Yeah. Hey, yeah. What’s your screen name again?

Parker: [ sighs ] You know what it is, don’t do this to me.

Nick Burns: No, no, no.. I can’t remember. What is it?

Parker: [ low ] “Sexyman 48”.

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] What?

Parker: “Sexyman 48”!

Rhonda: Okay, see you later, “Sexyman”!

[ Parker exits ]

Nick Burns: That guy’s a real geek! He gives us computertechnicians a bad name, you know?

Rhonda: You know, that worm probably lives in his mom’s basement!

Nick Burns: [ nervous ] Hey, cut the guy some slack. Rent’s high. Rent’s high.Rent’s high.

Rhonda: Nick, I know that you live with your mom.. but I like you..and I also like the way you make fun of people who know less than you doabout computers. I think it’s.. sexy.

Nick Burns: You do? I was thinking, maybe you could come over to myMom’s crib later on.. we could play Playstation 2, or something.. look atsome games..

[ they awkwardly lean closer for a kiss, until one of their beepers go off -they both check their collection of beepers to see whose it is ]

Rhonda: Oh, damn!

Nick Burns: You?

Rhonda: It’s me. It’s those idiots in Marketing. They probablyneed grief counseling because Pets.com went under. I gotta go. [ starts towalk away ] I thought I was going to get my first kiss..

Nick Burns: Me, too..

[ she leans up to kiss him, both of them trembling, then she steps away ]

Rhonda: [ turns around ] Oh, by the way – you’re welcome!
[ Nick is left looking amazed that he finally got his first kiss ]

Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your Company Computer Guy!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Meet the Press

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
Rick Lazio…..Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Meet the Press, with your host, Tim Russert. (Opening graphic to Meet the Press)

(Roundtable with, from left, Rick Lazio, Hillary Clinton, and Tim Russert.)

Tim Russert: Good morning, welcome to Meet the Press. Today, a gathering of two senatorial candidates from the state of New York, home of those Buffalo Bills, ha ha ha! Congressman Rick Lazio, the Republican candidate from Long Island. (Lazio half-smiles goofily and has crossed eyes.) And Hillary Rodham Clinton. (Full stop after each name.) (Hillary nods and smiles.) Democratic candidate from Arkansas via Illinois, and most recently, Westchester. (The camera lingers on Hillary, who grows more uncomfortable.) Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. The embattled First Lady of the United States, emerging from the controversy and tarnish of her husband’s administration to the position, despite no earned political experience, a Democratic candidate for Senate. (Hillary stops smiling.) Hillary. Rodham Clinton. We’ll start with you. Now, recently you spoke at a UJA group assuring your support of the convicted spy Jonathan Pollard. I have a quote from the Washington Post dated April 10th, 1994. (Newspaper graphic goes up.) “The excessive punishment of Jonathan Pollard by the American Government has clearly run its… I… don’t trust… Jewish… people.”

Hillary Clinton: Well, Tim, I think that quote is misleading and clearly out of context. What I actually said is that I don’t trust those who unfairly prosecute Jewish people.

Tim Russert: But you did say it! Your words.

Hillary Clinton: Tim, I clearly didn’t phrase it that way. You’re placing, uh, ellipses where there are clearly other words that I said that would explain the context.

(Lazio laughs.)

Tim Russert: Would you say it’s part of a vast conspiracy? (coughs)

Hillary Clinton: No, I’m not saying that.

Tim Russert: All right. Rick Lazio. You’ve come down hard on soft money.

Rick Lazio: Yes, I have, Tim.

Tim Russert: But here’s a recent clip from one of your campaign ads:

(pretaped)

Rick Lazio: — on that, or any administration, I will come down hard on soft money.

(live)

Tim Russert: Congressman?

Rick Lazio: That’s a good question, Tim, but I want to say that I really wanna come down hard on soft money.

Tim Russert: Really hard?

Rick Lazio: Really hard, Tim.

Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, that’s all he gets?! That wasn’t even a question!

Tim Russert: So it *is* a conspiracy?

Hillary Clinton: There’s no conspiracy, Tim! But you seem to have, when it comes to me and my husband —

Tim Russert: A vendetta?

Hillary Clinton: I’m not saying that.

Tim Russert: A contract?

Hillary Clinton: No, I am not saying—

Tim Russert: A hard-on?

(Lazio laughs.)

Hillary Clinton: You’re not going to get me to say that, Tim.

Tim Russert: May I continue now?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: You say it like I was naughty in school!

Tim Russert: (pause) Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. You’ve made a habit of pointing out your concern for wiping out world hunger.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I have.

Tim Russert: I want to show you this videotape.

Hillary Clinton: All right.

Tim Russert: Here we go.

(pretaped)

(Hillary shakes hands at a campaigning event.)

Tim Russert: (voiceover) Not yet. Hang on.

(Hillary hugs a man while facing away from the camera. She ends the embrace and clasps his hands, standing stiltedly.)

Tim Russert: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh!

(The tape freezes.)

Tim Russert: Whoop! Right there.

(back to roundtable)

Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. How do you reconcile concern for world hunger while your butt has got fatter?

(Lazio giggles, while drinking milk out of a cafeteria-style carton with a small straw.)

Hillary Clinton: (yelling) Okay! You-you are a pig! You have such a damn boner for us, it’s sick! I’d like to see *your* fat ass!

Tim Russert: (stops laughing) Stern words from Hillary Rodham Clinton. The soft money candidate with the bay-window caboose. If it’s Sunday, (Hammond covers up a laugh) it’s Meet the Press. Go Bills!

(wide shot of the three of them, Clinton has arms crossed and looks perturbed.)

Submtited by: JBecky

SNL Transcripts