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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Top O’ The Morning

Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Dooley…..Jeff richards
Frank McCourt…..Sen. John McCain

[ show station identification slide ]

Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Top o’ the morning to ya! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam.

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You might be wondering if we’ll have a good show today – so, let’s ask our good friend Dooley.

[ Patrick and William move over to side of bar area, where Dooley is hunched over the counter ]

William Fitzpatrick: We call him the Human 8-Ball, ’cause if you shake him hard enough, he can answer Yes or No questions.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Now, tell me, Dooley, will we have a good show?

[ William shakes Dooley ]

Dooley: Ye-es..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And, tell me, will William pay me the money he owes me?

[ William shakes Dooley ]

Dooley: No-o-o..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you not pay me that money, you cheap bastard!

William Fitzpatrick: I only borrowed that money to replace the teeth that you knocked out!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Your teeth were a nightmare, all crooked and yellow! I did you a service!

William Fitzpatrick: [ considering the notion ] That’s true.. you’re a true friend..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You’re my best friend, you are.

William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling, trying to hold back the tears ] Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now!

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now! Not here! Not here at this place, not now at this time!

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, mercy..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now, not yet!

William Fitzpatrick: Alright! Let’s have a drink!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright.

William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go!

William Fitzpatrick: Down you go!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright. Our first guest is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of “Angela’s Ashes”. If you believe that Ireland is a whiskey-soaked, stinking cesspool, you’re probably a big fan. Please welcome, Mr. Frank McCourt!

[ Frank McCourt enters and sits ]

Frank McCourt: Thank you, boys. Morning!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: So, Frank, how are ya?

Frank McCourt: Well, the cab ride was cold and dark. Like the day me father was run over by a truck!

William Fitzpatrick: Surprise, surprise – Frank McCourt’s depressed.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Hey, your parents must be so proud that their son took their most private moments and put them on a page where anyone with five quid could see.

William Fitzpatrick: I had always dreamed that I could write that me father was a drunk, and me mother was a slut! But you beat me to it! Good on ya, sir!

Frank McCourt: I will not stand for this! I’m Frank McCourt! [ stands ] I.. am leaving!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Ah, have a drink, Frank!

Frank McCourt: I.. am staying! [ takes his drink and chugs it ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go.. down you go..

Frank McCourt: Perhaps I could read you a passage from me new book. It’s entitled: “Too Cold to Die: An Irish Christmas Fairy Tale”. [ reading ] “The pus dripped from the lackey’s eye, like a teardrop. We were grateful to see it; it was all we had to eat that Christmas.” And that’s all I’ve written so far.

William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here in front of the dartboard, not now at this time of October!

William Fitzpatrick: [ stops sniffling ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Brilliant work. A credit to the Irish, you are.

William Fitzpatrick: God bless you, Frank McCourt! [ changes subject ] Now’s the time on the show where I make Patrick so mad that he punches a hole in the wall! Let’s go to the punching wall!

[ Irish music follows the boys to the punching wall, already filled with holes from prior episodes ]

William Fitzpatrick: So, Patrick.. your sister sure is stubborn, is she not?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And what do you mean by that?

William Fitzpatrick: I had to ask her to take off her knickers four times before she did it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ angry ] That’s my sister!! [ punches a hole in the wall ]

William Fitzpatrick: [ impressed ] Good. Well done.

[ they return to their bar stools ]

William Fitzpatrick: Well, we’d like to close out the show, as always, with a traditional Irish song. Frank, will you help us?

Frank McCourt: Yes.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Do you know “Mary’s Britches”?

Frank McCourt: [ thinking ] No, I don’t.

William Fitzpatrick: How about “Who Put The Goat Spunk In Mrs. Murphy’s Oatmeal”?

Frank McCourt: Not all the words.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: “Billy O’Doyle”?

Frank McCourt: Of course! Start to finish!

All [ singing ]
“Well, Billy O’Doyle’s got a nose like a boil
and..” [ they begin mumbling unintelligibly ]

William Fitzpatrick: I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

Together: Top O’ The Morning to Ya”!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Sen. John McCain’s Monologue

…..Sen. John McCain
Ferecito…..Fred Armisen

Sen. John McCain: Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m very happy to be here tonight – they tell me I’m the first sitting senator ever to host this show! They asked President Bush to do it, but, apparently, he doesn’t like to work on weekends. Uh.. people have asked me, how does spending a week up in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live” benefit your constituents? And I always say he same thing, “Shut up, Daschle, you’re just jealous!”

Ferecito: [ bangs a rimshot on his drums ] Dios mio!

Sen. John McCain: [ looks behind him to notice Ferecito is there ] Excuse me? Can I help you?

Ferecito: Hello! I’m Ferecito! I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezeuela!

Sen. John McCain: I know who you are. What are you doing up here?

Ferecito: Oh, I’m trying to help you, Johnny! You’re not doing so gooooood!

Sen. John McCain: I thought it was pretty good..

Ferecito: No! Let me show you how to do a comedy monologue that is more professional!

Sen. John McCain: [ curious ] How’s that?

Ferecito: First! You got to get the crowd all warmed up! A beat, like this! [ bangs drums, pumping up the audience ] Did you feel it! Did you feel it! [ audience cheers ] Then! Wheenver you do a punchline, you have to make it obvious to the audience! With the punchline, you have to make a face like this. Close your eyes! [ demonstrates his punchline face ] Watch! I’ll show you! [ to audience ] “I’m the first sitting senator ever to host ‘Sabado Night Live’! [ makes face ] They asked President Bush to do it, but, apparently, he doesn’t like to work on weekends!” [ bangs rimshot on drum ] Dios mio! [ frowns ] That’s my catch phrase! You have to have a catch phrase! Do you have a catch phrase?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t have a catch phrase.

Ferecito: Okay, I’ll give you one. do, uh.. “I’m just keedinggggg!!”

Sen. John McCain: Well, thanks, pal, I’d rather not..

Ferecito: “I’m just keedinggggggggg!!” Try it, try it, it’s really good!

Sen. John McCain: No thanks, pal. I’d rather not.

Ferecito: Oh, okay.. well..

Sen. John McCain: Listen. I’m not saying – and, by the way, there’s nothing unny about what you’re doing. Stereotyping Latin American culture is offensive, even on a comedy show liek this one. A large number of my constituents in Arizona are Hispanic. And I’m not gonna stand here and let you insult them! [ a beat ] “I’m just keedingggggggg!!”

Ferecito: [ bangs drums ]

Sen. John McCain: Ferecito, everybody! Ferecito! Okay, I’m gonna get ready for this first sketch, now. The White Stripes are here! Stick around, I’ll see you in a minute!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Meet the Press

Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
…..Sen. John McCain

Tim Russert: Good morning. Our issue this Sunday: a test of will, for the president, as he waives invading Iraq. And for the Buffalo Bills, as they head to Miami. [ cracks up in laughter ] Joining us to discuss Iraq, the next move, is Sen. John McCain of Arizona. Former P.O.W., maverick Republican whose presidential candidacy stressing campaign finance reform nearly up-ended our eventual president, George W. Bush. Senator, welcome.

Sen. John McCain: Thanks, Tim.

Tim Russert: Senator, this administration.. seems hell-bent.. on confrontation.. with Iraq. You staying with the President?

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I believe we need to show our resolve at this time. We can’t underestimate the potential threat Saddam Hussein poses to this country.

Tim Russert: Senator, we have to ask: Are you considering running again in 2004?

Sen. John McCain: No, I have no plans to run for higher office. The President’s doing a fine job.

Tim Russert: No plans, but you wouldn’t say no.

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I have no interest in running.

Tim Russert: You didn’t answer my question, Senator.

Sen. John McCain: What was the question?

Tim Russert: Whether you would say no, unequivocally, to running for president of the United States?

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I haven’t even considered running.

Tim Russert: But you haven’t ruled it out. [ pauses ] Saddam Hussein. Do you believe he’ll use his chemical weapons, if udner attack?

Sen. John McCain: I think we have to operate under the assumption that he’s capable of anything.

Tim Russert: Spoken like someone running for President. So, if you were President, that would be your assumption?

Sen. John McCain: I think that’s the President’s assumption.

Tim Russert: So, you would not disagree with the President, were you to debate him in 2004?

Sen. John McCain: I have no interest in running.

Tim Russert: No interest.. but you’re open to the possibility?

Sen. John McCain: No, I would rebut any offers to run.

Tim Russert: In other words, you’re available? so, can we say on this program.. that John McCain.. is ready.. for offers to run?

Sen. John McCain: [ shakes head ] No.

Tim Russert: Then, if elected, would you serve?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t see that happening, but, yes, I would serve my country.

Tim Russert: You heard it here first! John McCain, ready to serve as our next President!

Sen. John McCain: That’s a mischaracterization. Look, Tim.. we’re on the brink of a war. I think the American people would rather we discuss Iraq.

Tim Russert: I understand. It’s a awkward subject. Let’s talk about Iraq. Most would like to see.. a new regime there. Would you consider running for the Presidency of Iraq?

Sen. John McCain: No, Tim.

Tim Russert: The presidency of Iraq is on the table! does John McCain take the challenge?

Sen. John McCain: I do not want to run for President of Iraq!

Tim Russert: So, you’d be willing to accept the draft?

Sen. John McCain: Tim, I don’t want to be President of anywhere!

Tim Russert: Alright. Senator, I want to read you a quote.. from the Washington Post.. October 2nd, 1999: “I am a candidate for President of the United States.” Your word, Senator.

Sen. John McCain: Well, Tim, that’s from the last election, when I was a candidate.

Tim Russert: So, you’re flip-flopping?

Sen. John McCain: I’m not flip-flopping, Tim.

Tim Russert: So, you’re a candidate? We can definitively say, on this show, that John McCain-

Sen. John McCain: I was a candidate in 200. I am not in 2004. I will not challenge President Bush as a leader of my party.

Tim Russert: What if President bush does not run?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t see any reason-

Tim Russert: What if he forgets to run?

Sen. John McCain: Alright, Tim.. alright, Tim..

Tim Russert: The President forgets to run for re-election.. and the Republicans are without a candidate. Does John McCain then step in to fill that void?

Sen. John McCain: I would call the President, and remind him to run.

Tim Russert: So, you’re running?

Sen. John McCain: No!

Tim Russert: You’re a candidate?

Sen. John McCain: I am not a candidate!

Tim Russert: John McCain is running for President in 2004?

Sen. John McCain: No.

Tim Russert: 2008?

Sen. John McCain: No.

Tim Russert: 2012.

Sen. John McCain: No!

Tim Russert: 20-16?

Sen. John McCain: No.

Tim Russert: 20-20?

Sen. John McCain: No!

Tim Russert: Let’s talk about 20-28.

Sen. John McCain: I’ll be 90.

Tim Russert: Alright. It’s 2028.. genetic engineering has extended the human lifespan to 200 years. Would a relatively young John McCain challenge a re-animated Jimmy Carter zombie?

Sen. John McCain: Now, President Carter’s been a great humanitarian.

Tim Russert: So, John McCain would back down? Are you afraid of Carter eating you?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t think that’s an accurate-

Tim Russert: So, you’re a candidate?

Sen. John McCain: No.. no..

Tim Russert: Senator, we have to move on, but one question: Any interest in running for President in 2004? [ chuckles ] Thanks for watching. If it’s Sunday, it’s “Meet The Press”. Go Bills!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
John Ashcroft…..Sen. John McCain
Rebecca DeWitt…..Rachel Dratch
Harry Belefonte…..Tracy Morgan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! One quick program note: next week, the Hardball College Tour continues when we come to you live from Bob Jones University with Special Guest: Coolio! The topic that night’s gonna be tax reform! But today, we’re talking about homeland security! Al-Quaeda’s chatter’s is revving up again, people in Maryland have to wear a Kevlar vest every time they go to a gas station, and every town from Buffalo to Portland’s sticky with terrorists! The only security the office of homeland security provides is the security of knowing I can’t go outside without browning my pants! When I get scared, I shout! And when I shout, I get scared! Are we safer today than we were pre-9/11? Joining us today: Associate Director for the ACLU, Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Bor-ing! Also joining us: Attorney General of the United States, John Ashcroft!

John Ashcroft: [ somewhat gruff ] Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I had to! I was afraid you’d arrest me and put me in a camp! And, finally: he made headlines last week when he called Colin Powell a sell-out, comparing him to a slave serving his master, Harry Belefonte! Harry, welcome!

Harry Belefonte: Welcome? Welcome? What are you, some kind of slave master?

Chris Matthews: Aw, Belefonte! Crazy, right off the bat! I love it! Attorney General, we’re gonna start with you! How do we make this country feel safe again?

John Ashcroft: Chris. Security starts with vigilence. As Americans, we will never truly be free. Until each and every one of us is afraid of being throw in a jail. But thanks to the Tips program, we’ve been able to detain tens of thousands of potential American terrorists for months at a time, for little or no reason. Just like the Founding Fathers dreamed!

Chris Matthews: Rebecca DeWitt, what Ashcroft just said was pretty crazy – can you beat it?!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, we’re living in a police state. Most of the people detained under Mr. Ashcroft’s orders haven’t been charged with a crime or given access to legal counsel. The Taliban prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are being denied their basic human rights. They can’t practice their religion, they’re not allowed access to their weapons, they can’t even confer with their terrorist leader! It’s appalling!

Chris Matthews: Wow! An impressive display of insanity! Harry Belefonte, keep this crazy train rolling!

Harry Belefonte: Chris, I’m gonna say something that a lot of people are afraid to say: Osama bin Laden is a Uncle Tom!

Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head with wonder ] Good God! I can’t even figure out who that’s offensive to! Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?

John Ashcroft: We’ve got some real great stuff in the works. There’s one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we’ve gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O’Neal.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Shaquille O’Neal! Are you serious!

John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled “Kazaam!” I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!

Chris Matthews: How about it, Rebecca DeWitt? Should we be throwing genie-portrayed basketball players in jail?

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, every society needs police. But who will police the police? My idea: terrorists! Give the terorists guns and badges, and the ability to arrest law enforcement and military personnel. That way, there are checks and balances.

Chris Matthews: Dear Lord. Belefonte! Hit me with a quick one!

Harry Belefonte: The war in Iraq is in a minstrel show!

Chris Matthews: Fantastic! Another!

Harry Belefonte: Winston Churchill was a house Negro!

Chris Matthews: One more time!

Harry Belefonte: Poodles are the black man of the dog world!

Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa! [ laughs uproariously ] I’m never gonna get tired of this! Final thoughts, Mr. Ashcroft! Whom in this country can truly be safe?

John Ashcroft: Every American citizen. Every man, woman and child has a bar code tattooed on their neck, and a chip in their head that responds to this remote control! [ holds up remote control ]

Chris Matthews: Jiminy Christmas! Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, if you bake one cake, it doesn’t make you a baker; if you paint one painting, it doesn’t make you a painter; but if you blow up one embassy, it automatically makes you a terrorist! [ laughing ] It’s hypocritical!

Chris Matthews: That just might be the dumbest thing I ever heard! Harry Belefonte! don’t let me down!

Harry Belefonte: Pokemon is a slave trader; Pikachu is a slave master!

Chris Matthews: [ singing ] “Craz-o. Cra-a-az-o. Belafonte is a crazy mofo!” [ laughs ] Join us tomorrow, when Shaquille O’Neal joins us live via satelite from a prison at Guantanamo Bay! I’m Chris Matthews! Dabba da “Hahbah”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

TV Funhouse

Jingle: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may.
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguously gay.
They’re ambiguously gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: The Third Leg of Justice!

Bighead: Behold, Dr. Brainio! The Ice Creature is ready!

Dr. Braino: Haven’t we tried the Ice Creature before?

Bighead: Yeah, yeah, look, it’s not about winning. I just want to lure Ace and Gary here and out them at last!

Dr. Brainio: Again with the gay thing.

Bighead: My plan is foolproof! [to a mover with a couch] That goes right there.

Dr. Brainio: You’re redecorating?

Bighead: You’ll see. Soon the world will know just what flavor those two are!

Dr. Brainio: And how does this help us?

Bighead: Just go!

[Ace and Gary are jogging, wearing half-shirts and short shorts.]

Ace: Don’t worry about cramping, Gary. We can rub each other’s thighs.

[Ace and Gary fall on the icy ground.]

Ace: Sidewalks . . . ice!

Gary: Must be Bighead!

Ace: Let’s blow this popsicle . . . stand.

[The AGD are in their car, driving off somewhere.]

Ace: Thrust the lever staff. Fix it, Gary! That’s good. Oh, that’s good.

[The car elongates and takes off into the air.]

Dr. Brainio: Now what’s the idea here?

Bighead: I told you, the chaise goes there.

Dr. Brainio: Well, aren’t we being anal.

Bighead: What are you implying?

[The wall bursts open.]

Ace: Not so fast, you two! Hey, you redecorated!

Bighead: Hah! They noticed! That’s it, watch. I thought I’d go retro.

Ace: Seems a little 90’s, you fiend.

Bighead: He thinks it’s 90’s. He knows his stuff.

Dr. Brainio: Well, he’s right.

Bighead: But I bought this in Soho!

Gary: They have these at Pottery Barn!

[everyone laughs]

Dr. Brainio: All you’ve proven is that you’ve got no eye.

Bighead: Wait! You guys like this poster of Mark Wahlberg?

Ace: Mmm . . . tacky.

Gary: Tacky.

Bighead: Seize them!

[Ace and Gary start punching all of the evil henchmen.]

Bighead: I’ve got a Plan B! [Bighead rushes over to a CD player and switches on “Superman” by Five for Fighting, causing Ace and Gary to stop and listen.]

Five For Fighting: I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m more than a bird
I’m more than a plane
I’m more than some pretty face beside a train

[Ace and Gary start crying.]

Five for Fighting: And it’s not easy . . .

Bighead: Voila!

Dr. Brainio: So what? They identify with the pressure of being heroes.

Bighead: Wait!

[Ace and Gary start dancing around the room. The wall then bursts open again.]

Ace: Former GE Chairman Jack Welch!

Jack Welch: Let’s get to business!

Announcer: As part of his retirement compensation package with GE, Jack Welch is entitled to appear in one cartoon per season.

Jack Welch: [punches out some henchmen] Take ’em from behind, boys!

[Ace and Gary wrap their legs around Brainio and Bighead, thrusting them into the air. A beam comes from Jack Welch’s eyes, trapping them in a ball with the GE logo flashing on it. Gary shoots out a fireball that makes Bighead’s place cool.]

Ace: Well done, Mr. Welch.

Gary: Yay!

Jack Welch: See boys, I employed everyone’s talents: my know-how and your throbbing members. It’s all in my book, Straight from the Gut from Warner Books.

Gary: Uh-huh.

Jack Welch: And these aren’t retirement perks! This is the third compensation for a job well done!

Ace: Okay, that’s not in the script.

[“Superman” plays again, as the three start dancing around.]

Jingle: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

McCain Sings Streisand

…..Sen. John McCain

Announcer: He has served his country in the military.. the Congress.. and the Senate. Now, he serves America – with song:

Sen. John McCain: [ singing ]
“Love, soft as an easy chair
Love, fresh as the morning airrr..”

Announcer: Sen. John McCain sings some of the most beautiful songs ever written:

Sen. John McCain: [ singing ]
“People, people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world.”

Announcer: All these songs and more, available on: McCain Sings Streisand.

[ show slide of CD, complete with cover photo of McCain wearing a Superman t-shirt ]

Sen. John McCain: I’ve been in politics for over 20 years. And for over 20 years, I’ve had Barbera Streisand trying to do my job. So I decided to try my hand at her job. Check out this classic:

“Memories, light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories, of the way we were.”

Do I know how to sing? About as well as she knows how to govern America! Here’s another gem for ya:

“Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see-ee-ee me-ee?”

Pretty annoying, huh? Now you know how I feel! My new CD is a must for all of Barbra Streisand’s fans, as well as log-cabin Republicans. And a special added bonus, just for Babs – a portion of all sales will be used to damage Alaskan wildlife preserves. So, order today!

“Nobody, but nobody’s gonna rain on myyyyyy parade!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 19th, 2002

Sen. John McCain

The White Stripes

None

None
Decision 2002: Iraqi State NewsSummary: A self-appointed landslide has ensured Saddam Hussein’s (Horatio Sanz) presidential victory in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Transcript

Montage

Sen. John McCain’s MonologueSummary: After Sen. John McCain tells a couple of political jokes, Venezuelan nightclub comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) helps him develop a catchphrase to make for a more successful monologue.

Recurring Characters: Fericito.

Transcript

HardballSummary: John Ashcroft (Sen. John McCain) and Rebecca DeWitt (Rachel Dratch) debate safety measures against terrorism, while Harry Belefonte (Tracy Morgan) sputters more nonsensical outrageous statements.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, John Ashcroft.

Transcript

To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward StorySummary: The Lifetime Network misconstrues the story of Gillian Woodward (Amy Poehler), a woman being stalked by her close-talking husband, David (Sen. John McCain), in their feministic TV-movie.

Transcript

Wake Up WakefieldSummary: Hippie teacher Pete Van Bleet (Sen. John McCain) carves Steely Dan jack-o-lanterns for Megan (Maya Rudolph) and Sheldon (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s latest superhero adventure, the evil Bighead subdues the Ambiguously Gay Duo with a decor change.

Transcript

Meet The PressSummary: Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) won’t stop asking Sen. John McCain if he’ll run for President again in 2004.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert.

Transcript

The White Stripes perform “Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tina Fey delivers a rant on Saddam Hussein’s political victory. The Equal Time rule garners airtime for mundane, softspoken political candidate Tim Calhoun (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Transcript

McCain Sings StreisandSummary: To get back at Barbra Streisand for constantly sticking her nose into politics, Sen. John McCain releases an album of him singing horrible renditions of her songs.

Transcript

My Big Thick NovelSummary: Jack Handey recalls a cCrisis of conscience during a dinner with cannibals.

Transcript

Top O’ The MorningSummary: Irish pub drinkers Patrick Fitzwilliam (Jimmy Fallon) and Wiliam Fitzpatrick (Seth Meyers) – who’ve heard all the jokes, thank you very much, so save them – interview author Frank McCourt (Sen. John McCain).

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, Wiliam Fitzpatrick.

Transcript

The White Stripes perform “We’re Going To Be Friends”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Making the Video

Christina Aguilera…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
David LaChapelle…..Jimmy Fallon
Vetiver Lee…..Tracy Morgan
Extra 1…..Chris Kattan
Extra 2…..Maya Rudolph
Assistant director…..Amy Poehler
Guy in Mexican wrestling mask…..Horatio Sanz
Redman…..Dean Edwards

[text scrolls down, CHRISTINA AGUILERA]

Announcer: On this episode of “Making the Video” go for a ride with Christina Aguilera.

Christina Aguilera: Oh, yo, this is gonna get dirrty, y’all!

[text scrolls down, “DIRRTY”]

Announcer: And check out the world premiere of her new video, “Dirrty”.

[SUPER: Los Angeles -8:13 P.M.]

David LaChapelle: This video is gonna be real nasty, and real LaChapelle-like. A lot of subversive things, a lot of plushies, a lot of bad smells. It’s sort of like if you pulled up a stink clog and Christina was hanging from it.

Christina Aguilera: David LaChapelle and me, you know, we sort of co-did this video together. The song is called “Dirrty” but I wanted to call the song “[bleep] Guzzling [bleep]” but L’il Kim already used that.

Vetiver Lee: I was gonna put these little red panties on – on Christina. But she doesn’t want to wear no pantie-P’s. So I just spray painted her poo-poo red. Oh, we gotta grease you up, girl. Gimme that pork chop, throw ya ass around.

Christina Aguilera: You know that dirrty feeling, you know, when you wake up with no pants on, face down on the floor and you got like, like a condom in your ear? Well that’s the feeling we’re trying to create. I love that feeling. DAMN!

Extra 1: Sometimes I get what I call a “Christina burn” from her, humping on me so hard.

Extra 2: Well, once I had a Christina burn on my back.

Assistant director: Okay, listen up, dancers and the first row of masturbators, I will be spraying you with an artificial B.O. Do not worry, it’s only the water that they boil the lobsters in. Focus up.

David LaChapelle: Okay, guys. Okay, guys. Get up on it. Get up on this. Okay? And action.

[“Dirrty” plays in the background as everyone starts dancing.]

Christina Aguilera: CUT! DAVID!

Assistant director: David? David?

David LaChapelle: Okay, what do you want? Tell David LaChapelle what you want.

Christina Aguilera: It ain’t dirrty enough!

David LaChapelle: Can we get more urine in the fog machine, please?

Assistant director: Okay, could everybody take another dip in the litter boxes, please? And I am missing the guy in the Mexican wrestling mask.

Guy in Mexican wrestling mask: I just threw up in my mask!

Assistant director: Please wait for your cue next time! Okay, we’re moving on, everybody – moving on to the party. Let’s get Redman.

Redman: Yo, you know what I’m sayin’? When I first came here, Christina ain’t had her stuff together, so I had to get down like that. You know what I’m sayin’? It’s crazy – ill crazy! Ill maddy!

Assistant director: Hey, hey, can we get some more boogers on these kickboxers?

David LaChapelle: Okay, okay, now, Christina wanted me to have you to sniff this for inspiration. (holds sweaty washcloth which puts Redman to sleep) Perfect.

Christina Aguilera: I’m really excited about Redman being in my video. He is so dirrty, like me. We had sex a bunch of times, but we hadn’t met, you know, formally.

[As Redman is being filmed, his lines from “Dirrty” play in the background.]

Christina Aguilera: Yo, CUT! David!

David LaChapelle: Yes, yes, yes – what, what, what?

Christina Aguilera: It just ain’t skanky enough! Y’know, I ain’t feeling it!

David LaChapelle: All right, let me… let LaChapelle think. Think, LaChapelle. Who are you? What do you think?

Christina Aguilera: You know, I ain’t no director, but – I could, y’know ride somebody’s leg while they farted. (humps on extra 1’s leg)

David LaChapelle: True.

Christina Aguilera: I just feel so free now, y’know. When people see this video, they’re gonna stop thinking of me as some blond-haired bubblegum music industry ho and start thinking of me as a actual ho, y’know, like the kind that hang out at Carni[bleep] Mmm-hmm.

[“Dirrty” plays in the background as everyone dances.]

Christina Aguilera: David!

Assistant director: David? David?

David LaChapelle: Yes, yes.

Christina Aguilera: It just – it just ain’t skanky enough!

David LaChapelle: Okay. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Okay. Let me think. Okay, guess who center square is? David LaChapelle, me. And I think I know what Christina needs.

Assistant director: Okay, could we have quiet, please? Stop all the work, please. (chickens start clucking) Please take all the chickens outside for a moment.

David LaChapelle: No, I want the chickens to hear this.

Assistant director: Okay, cancel that. Chickens stay.

David LaChapelle: I got it. We need a large red rubber baboon ass.

Assistant director: Props, I need a red baboon ass yesterday.

Christina Aguilera: Oh, you are a dirrty genus!

David LaChapelle: Perfect. This is it. This is going to work. This is going to work. You’re gonna move this. Let’s try it again, and everybody – action!

[“Dirrty” plays one more time as everybody dances. Christina is wearing the rubber baboon ass and shaking it as she dances.]

[fade]

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2


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02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Steven the Dell Computer Kid…..Seth Meyers
Doctor…..Chris Parnell
Ripple Ramada…..Maya Rudolph
Delorian Ramada…..Sarah Michelle Gellar

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

According to a recent poll, most people say that President Bush is neglecting problems at home, and spending too much time planning a war on Iraq. Though it should be noted: this poll was taken in Iraq.

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The committee cited Carter’s tireless work in seeking peaceful solutions, as well as his attempts to promote social and economic justice. Or, as the Bush administration calls it: “Queering It Up Big-Time”.

Justin Guarini, who placed second in Fox’s “American Idol”, has signed a record deal – for just 99-cents, he will get ten records.

The FAA wants airlines to install new seats that would help passengers survive crashes, by the year 2016. However, many would feel better if the airlines would install the safer seats by the year Two-Thousand-Right-Now-Bitch!

Tammy Faye Bakker Messner has begun working with People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Tammy Faye said her love for animals stems from the fact that she’s part raccoon.

Tina Fey: The cover of the current Newsweek Magazine is a story on teen depression, which afflicts over three million young people. Here with a commentary, is our teen correspondent, Steven the Dell Computer Kid.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ stricken with facial contortions throughout commentary ] Thank you, Tina! Hey, Mom and Dad, if your teen is facing a major bummer attack, there are always five simple words that can turn that frown upside-down: “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”

Tina Fey: Listen, Steven, you’re a teenager, have you ever experienced depression firsthand?

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ thinking, hand rubbing chin ] Hmm.. let me ponder that conundrum, Tina-rita! I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I do get the feeling that everyone hates me.

Tina Fey: No, we do hate you. Those commercials are the worst.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: You’re not helping, Jimbo. In fact, beneath this wise-cracking, smart-alecky exterior lies a hollow void, ripe with hairy darkness and deep despair, dude.

Tina Fey: Wow, I had no idea you were this depressed.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: Well, believe it, my bespectacled buddy. Many is the time that I’m paralyzed with misery. I think to myself, “Steven, you can make every dude in the world get a Dell.. but what do you get, Steven? What do you get?”

[ Doctor walks up to Steven ]

Doctor: There you are, Steven. You have to stop running off like that.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: [ whispers to the audience ] Dude, that’s totally my doctor!

Doctor: Our friend Steven here is a very sick young man, and knows better than to be out of his restraints after sundown. I have personally diagnosed Steven with over 37 psychological disorders, including manic depression, bipolar disorder, Munchausen Syndrome, and gender dysphoria.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: That last one’s pretty bad!

Doctor: He also suffers from hyperactivity of the face, for which, sadly, there is no cure.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: My soul aches, and my cheeks feel like fire!

Doctor: Time to go, buddy.

Steven the Dell Computer Kid: Dude, I’m getting Thorazine!

Tina Fey: Steven, the Dell Kid, everybody.

According to Toy Wishes Magazine, the hottest toys heading into the Christmas season are the Fur Real Friends. The least hot toy? SpongeBob Newhart.

In entertainment news, has anybody seen that new Christina Aguliera video? I think it gave my TV genital warts.

This week, Andy Rooney has upset many women with his comment about female sportscasters, saying, “The only thing that really bugs me about television’s coverage is those damn women they have down on the sidelines, who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. A woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game.” and then he peed his pants a little bit.

In Morrisville, Pennsylvania this week, a man hobbled into the local police station, asking for help after he inserted a nail and a firecracker into his own penis. That’s what happens when you screw the junk drawer.

Tina Fey: Leonard Nimoy pulled out of a fundraiser for the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle this month, when he learned organizers wanted to censor some of his photos of naked women. Finally! Someone willing to stand up to the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Your reign of tyranny is over, Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! [ stands on newsdesk ] Thanks to Leonard Nimoy, Seattle and its surrounding suburbs will now walk free! From Kirkland to Bremerton! From the streets of Silverdale to the majestic highland of Richmond, the people of the great northwest will never again feel the oppressive thumb of the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Residents of Yakima and Maple Valley, arise and be free! The Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle is your oppressors no more! [ walks straight into the audience ]

Here, we see Michael Jackson, Siegfried & Roy, and some animals. The question: Is the orgy over, or just starting?

A band of 937 yodelers in Germany set a new world record for the largest simultaneous yodel, by holding their melody for a full minute. The yodelers inadvertently set another world record, for Worst Minute.

NBC announced it will air a special featuring Cher’s final live performance. As per the grand finale, she will be wrapped up and gently placed back in her sarcophagus.

Actor Noah Wylie told TV Guide that after next season, he will be leaving “ER”. In response, the TV Guide reporter said, “Well, I guess I’ll never be seeing you again – ever.”

Tina Fey: Well, everyone knows Paris and Nicky Hilton, the jetsetting heiresses to the Hilton Hotel fortune. But they’re not the only set of hotel sister socialites out there. Here with the latest gossip, are Ripple and Delorian Ramada – the Ramada Sisters.

[ Ramada Sisters laugh uncontrollably ]

Ripple Ramada: Hey, Tina!

Delorian Ramada: Hey, Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: So, how is everything, ladies? How’s it going?

Ripple Ramada: Yeah, you know how it is, being young, being red-hot.. and being related – by marriage – to a partial owner of a reasonably-priced chain of conference centers.

Tina Fey: So, you guys ever hang out with the Hilton Sisters.

Delorian Ramada: No, it’s funny you mention that, Tina, because there are a lot of similarities.

Ripple Ramada: Yeah. Like, they live in the Waldorf-Austoria..

Delorian Ramada: And we live in the Ramada Inn at the Newark Airport.

[ they laugh ]

Tina Fey: Now, the word is that you guys went to the party at 8 1/2, for the premiere of new P.T. anderson movie “Punch-Drunk Love”. Any gossip there?

Ripple Ramada: I don’t know what any of those things are.

[ they laugh ]

Delorian Ramada: Oh.. but.. we did attend the premiere of Wayne Cherbet’s new Toyota dealership in Nutley, and it was divine.

Ripple Ramada: He is cutting prices to the bone, Tina!

Tina Fey: Okay, so any gossip from that?

Delorian Ramada: Oh, you know how it is, Tina – celebs galore! Rutger Hauer.. The Boz – Brian Bosworth..

Ripple Ramada: Yeah. Stacy Keach.. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.. Apollonia..

Delorian Ramada: Nick Mars, from Motley Crue.. David Faustino.. Joe Isuzu!

Ripple Ramada: Anyways, it sucked! So I found Keach, and I was, like, “Listen, Keach, we’re outta here!”

Delorian Ramada: So, Keach hotwires a loaner from the lot, and we head over to the restaurant in the Kia in Fort Wayne.

Ripple Ramada: Free Swedish meatballs, y’all!bitch!

Delorian Ramada: [ drinking from a glass of booze ] Oh.. I think this stuff has turned..

Ripple Ramada: Eeuughhh..

Tina Fey: Ripple and Delorian Ramada, everybody!

Krispy Kreme Donuts wedding cakes are becoming the hot, new thing at weddings this season. Not coincidentally, so are Size 27 weding dresses.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Swiffer Sleepers

Mommy…..Amy Poehler

[ young kids are jumping on the sofa, Mommy watching them rom the kitchen counter in background ]

Mommy: Kids, time to put on your jammies.

Little Girl: [ looks up ] What?

Mommy: I mean.. [ takes package out of grocery bag ] ..your Swiffer Sleepers!

Kids: Yay!!

Announcer: Who says sweeping floors can’t be fun?

Mommy: [ opens dustcloth package, which takes the shape of pajamas ] Are you guys ready?

Kids: [ jumping up and down in an excited hyper manner ] Yea-ea-ea-ea!!!

[ show kids being pushed about the floor on the ends of dust sticks ]

Jingle:
“A jumping and a sliding
On the floor you’re riding
Here comes Swiffer Sleepers!”

[ footage of kids crawling across the wood floor collecting dust particles ]

Announcer: Swiffer Sleepers, the crawl-around, roll-around, dust picker-upper.

Mommy: [ looking up at the ceiling as she sweeps ] Emily?

[ show Little Girl on end of dust stick being used to clean the ceiling ]

Little Girl: Yay!!

Jingle:
“A moppin’ and a wheezin’
A cleanin’ and a sneezin’
Here comes Swiffer Sleepers!”

[ kids roll across the floor, collecting mroe dust particles ]

Announcer: This is your ticket to slide!

[ Mommy picks a dust particle out of Little Girl’s hair, as Little Boy laughs ]

Announcer: Swiffer Sleepers, makes cleaning floors a family affair.

Jingle: Here comes Swiffer Sleepers!”

Female Announcer: Not recommended for children with allergies.

SNL Transcripts