Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Voiceover: How big a hypocrite is Andy Talarico? According to the Asbury Park Press, Mr. Talarico has run a campaign based almost exclusively on asking people to call Ellen Frankel. But, now, when voters try to call him, they’re told his number’s not in service.
Operator Recording: ..The number you have reached is no longer in service..
Voiceover: That’s right – all phones at Talarico Campaign Headquarters have been disconnected.
Operator Recording: ..No further information is available at this time..
Voiceover: Fact: Andy Talarico’s home phone number is 201-555-0199. Call Andy Talarico at home. Tell him that disconnecting his phones is unfair to Ellen Frankel, and a dirty way to win an election.
Andy Talarico. Wrong for seniors. Wrong to disconnect his phones.
Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Voiceover: Ellen Frankel is getting desperate. Her latest trick? Asking voters to call Andy Talarico, to tell him to stop asking them to call her, to tell her to stop distorting his record.
Fact: Andy Talarico has never supported any change to social security.
Call Ellen Frankel. Tell her to stop the lies. Or, at the very least, to stop asking voters to call Andy Talarico, to tell him to stop urging them to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop the lies. And, to stop the phone calls.
Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Ellen Frankel Voiceover: The following is paid for by Frankel For Congress: 2002.
Voiceover: Just how low will Andy Talarico sink? Now, he’s running ads urging voters to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop revealing the facts about his record. But, according to the Newark Star Ledger, Andy Talarico did vote to privatize social security. Maybe that’s why the New York Daily News calls Andy Talarico “A pathological liar.”
Call Andy Talarico. Tell him to stop asking voters to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop talking about his record. A record that’s wrong for seniors.
Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Andy Talarico Voiceover: The following is paid for by Friends of Talarico For Congress.
Voiceover: Ellen Frankel is at it again, frightening seniors and lying about Andy Talarico’s record.
Fact: According to the New York Times, Andrew Talarico did not vote to privatize social security.
No wonder Andrew Talarico has been called “our seniors’ best friend in Congress.” Call Ellen Frankel, tell her to stop frightening seniors, and to stop the lies.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 28: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 2nd, 2002 Eric McCormack Jay-Z None Steve Higgins Lenny Kravitz Beyonce Giuliani’s Endorsement AdsSummary: Rudolph Giuliani (Darrell Hammond) pre-records campaign endorsements. Recurring Characters: Rudolph Giuliani.
Montage
Eric McCormack’s MonologueSummary: When audience members think Eric McCormack is gay in real-life, he performs a musical number in order to prove them wrong. Transcript
The BachelorSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) wants to be bachelor Aaron’s (Eric McCormack) wife. Recurring Characters: Amber.
Game NightSummary: Rachel (Rachel Dratch) goes on a rampage when she loses a game of Celebrity.
Talarico For CongressSummary: Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan) advises voters to call Ellen Frenkel (Rachel Dratch). Transcript
Frankel For CongressSummary: Ellen Frenkel (Rachel Dratch) tells voters to call Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan). Transcript
American MorningSummary: The morning news takes a back seat when Paula Zahn (Tina Fey) falls in love with her co-host, Brent Dunlop (Eric McCormack). Recurring Characters: Paula Zahn. Transcript
Fairness in Attack AdsSummary: Call Ellen Frankel (Rachel Dratch), not Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan). Transcript
Jay-Z & Lenny Kravitz perform “Guns & Roses”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Gene Shalit (Horatio Sanz) makes bad puns for the movies he didn’t like. A desktop dance rap is performed by Jay-Z crew member Baby K (Jeff Richards). Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit, Baby K. Transcript
The BullhornSummary: A judge (Will Forte) is angered when a defendant (Eric McCormack) repeatedly interrupts trial proceeings by blaring multiple bullhorns. Transcript
VerizonSummary: Andy Talarico’s (Chris Kattan) phones have been disconnected. Transcript
Z105Summary: Councilman Bill Gik (Eric McCormack) is unable to get a word in while a guest on multi-character disc jockey Joey Mack’s (Jimmy Fallon) morning zoo. Recurring Characters: Joey Mack. Transcript
John Hancock Life InsuranceSummary: Insurance packages that specialize in the most extreme worst-case scenarios. Transcript
Jay-Z & Beyonce perform “03 Bonnie & Clyde”
Jackass: The MusicalSummary: An actor portrays Johnny Knoxville (Eric McCormack) in a traditional musical performance, complete with puke.
Reggie’s StoriesSummary: Barmaid (Maya Rudolph) sets Reggie (Tracy Morgan) straight on his tall-tale stories.
To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward Story
Gillian Woodward…..Amy Poehler Jessica…..Maya Rudolph David Pemberton…..Sen. John McCain Police Chief…..Chris Parnell Judge…..Darrell Hammond Counselor…..Chris Kattan The Real Gillian Woodward…..Rachel Dratch
Voiceover: [ over SUPER: “Although the following is based on actual events, some story elements have been altered, and fictional situations added, for dramatic effect. In some instances, events are presented in precisely the opposite way from which they actually occurred.
“Certain characters are fictional. Some are composites of two or more real individuals. Others are composites of one real, and one fictional character. While still others are composites of several fictional characters.
“In many instances, statistics cited in the film, relating to society’s are misleading or erroneous.
“Finally, while the events depicted did not actually take place in Vancouver, British Columbia, the story, for financial and budgetary reasons, is set there.” ]
[ Title Card: “To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward Story” ]
[ SUPER: “Vancouver, British Columbia 1999” over Vancouver skyline ]
[ dissolve to interior, Gillian Woodward’s office, as she talks on headset phone ]
[ SUPER: “Starring Amy Poehler as Gillian Woodward” ]
[ SUPER: “Senator John McCain (Rep., AZ) as David Pemberton” ]
[ “Valerie Bertinelli, Peter Strauss, Nancy McKeon, Judith Light” ]
[ “With a special appearance by Barry Bostwick” ]
Gillian Woodward: ..Yes, Milan went well. I was very happy. That was last month; we’re talking about Tokyo. I do care; it has our name on it. Call me the moment you hear.
[ a knock at the door ]
Gillian Woodward: It’s open!
Jessica: I can’t believe you are still here.
Gillian Woodward: Jessica, the Tokyo show is in three days.
Jessica: Ugh. What are you trying to prove? Isn’t it enough that you went out and accomplished what they said no woman would ever achieve – starting your own cosmetics company? When are you going to relax?
Gillian Woodward: After Tokyo.
Jessica: How are things with your marriage?
Gillian Woodward: [ her face stings ] Fine.. why do you ask?
Jessica: Girlfriend, when one of the country’s top CEOs spends this much time in the office, she’s probably avoiding something at home.
Gillian Woodward: Well, sorry to disappoint you, but David and I couldn’t be happier.
[ slow zoom to framed desk picture of Gillian and David ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Gillian and David’s house ]
[ dissolve to interior, as Gillian enters house ]
David Pemberton: Hello, Gillian.
Gillian Woodward: [ screams in fear ]
David Pemberton: I missed you.
Gillian Woodward: What are you doing here?!
David Pemberton: The conference was cut short.. so I rushed back to see you.
Gillian Woodward: David. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. You scared me half to death!
David Pemberton: Forgive me, darling. You know I would never hurt you.
[ dissolve to Gillian in the shower, as David appears behind her ]
David Pemberton: You’re so lovely.
Gillian Woodward: [ freaked ] Oh!
David Pemberton: I could watch you for hours.
Gillian Woodward: Oh, my God, David! How did you get in here?!
David Pemberton: The door was open, Angel. Shall I loofa your back?
Gillian Woodward: No, no, dont! I just need a moment to myself.. I’ll be in in a minute.
David Pemberton: I’ll be waiting, my love. We were meant to be together.
[ dissolve to Gillian’s office the next day, as Jessica enters ]
Jessica: Are we still on for tonight? Is something wrong?
Gillian Woodward: Jessica.. the other day, when I told you that everything was fine with my marriage.. that wasn’t true.
Jessica: What’s the problem?
Gillian Woodward: It’s David. He was always affectionate. But, lately, he’s been following me around.. hovering.. invading my personal space. I’ll come home from work, and hee’s there, waiting. Or, I’ll be getting into bed, and, suddenly, he’ll lie down beside me.
Jessica: Have you been to the police?
Gillian Woodward: I don’t think they’d believe me. It’s all too surreal.
Jessica: Girlfriend, get your coat. You’re coming with me.
[ dissolve to exterior, police station ]
[ dissolve to interior, Police Chief at desk talking to Gillian and Jessica ]
Police Chief: [ sighs ] Now, let me get this straight. David Pemberton is your husband?
Gillian Woodward: Yes.
Police Chief: And, you’re not in the process of divorce or separation?
Gillian Woodward: No.
Police Chief: He’s never threatened you, or used force against you?
Gillian Woodward: No.
Police Chief: [ sighs ] Forgive me, Miss Woodward, but I don’t see where a crime has been committed here.
Jessica: You mean to tell me that he can invade her personal space repeatedly, and you can’t do a thing about it?! That it’s all perfectly legal?!
Police Chief: Well.. yes.
Gillian Woodward: Suppose it was the other way around? Suppose I was invading David’s personal space?
Police Chief: That would be different. He’s a man. Naturally, we take crimes against men more seriously. But here, I’m afraid my hands are tied.
Jessica: Well, not ours. If you can’t arrest him, we’ll take him to court. We’ll sue!
Gillian Woodward: Jessica.. David is a powerful man in the community. What lawyer would ever take this case?
Jessica: I’ll represent you.
Gillian Woodward: But, you’re not a lawyer.
Jessica: First in my class at Stanford Law School.
Gillian Woodward: You have a Law degree, and yo’ve never used it?
Jessica: Well.. when I graduated in 1996, there were very few states where women were allowed to practice law.
Police Chief: That’s true.
Gillian Woodward: Are you sure you want to do this?
Jessica: If you can handle it.. I can.
[ dissolve to exterior, Superior Courthouse ]
[ dissolve to interior, trial taking place ]
Judge: Mr. Pemberton, for the last time, you are not allowed in the witness stand while your wife is testifying.
[ show David sitting at witness stand next to Gillian ]
David Pemberton: I’m sorry, your Honor. I can’t be away from her for long.
Judge: Your witness, Counselor.
Counselor: [ approaches bench, sighs ] Miss Woodward.. kindly tell the court, are you currently married to the defendent, Mr. Pemberton?
Gillian Woodward: Yes.
Counselor: And, you are not in the process of a divorce or a separation?
Gillian Woodward: No, but-
Counselor: And the defendent has not used force against you, or threatened you in any way?
Gillian Woodward: No.
Counselor: No futher questions, your Honor.
Judge: The witness may step down. [ Gillian steps down ] Alright. Unless I’m missing something, it would apear that no actual crime has been committed here. This court therefore fines for the defendent, and orders the plaintiff, Miss Woodward, to pay all costs and attorneys fees.
Counselor: Thank you, your Honor.
Judge: This court is adjourned! [ bangs gavel ]
Jessica: I’m sorry, Gillian. I know how you must feel.
Gillian Woodward: You know how I feel? Like I’ve had my personal space invaded all over again. And it makes me angry!
Jessica: Angry enough to file an appeal?
Gillian Woodward: If it means other women are spared what I went through.. absolutely!
Jessica: That’s what I thought you’d say.
David Pemberton: [ leaning in, joining the two women for a group hug ] I’ll be right down with you, darling.
[ dissolve to SUPERS: ]
[ “Gillian Woodward continues to reside in Vancouver.” ]
[ “In October, 2002, her case was still on appeal.” ]
[ “Every six seconds in this county, a woman’s personal space is invaded by her husband or domestic partner.” ]
[ “David Pemberton continues to reside with Gillian Woodward, and to invade her personal space.” ]
[ “He remains a free man.” ]
[ dissolve to Amy Poehler standing next to the real Gillian Woodward ]
Amy Poehler: Hello. I’m Amy Poehler. And this is Gillian Woodward, who actually lived the nightmare portrayed in tonight’s film.
The Real Gillian Woodward: Well.. I wouldn’t call it a “nightmare”. [ laughs nervously ]
Amy Poehler: What made you decide to break your silence?
The Real Gillian Woodward: Uh.. well, this whole thing started when I told someone in my exercise class that my husband has this weird habit of standing too close to me, and that it was kind of annoying. Next thing I know, her sister, who was a producer for Lifetime, was trying to buy the rights to my story. I thought they were nuts!
Amy Poehler: Having lived it, was it really hard for you to watch this film?
The Real Gillian Woodward: Well.. it really bothers me that they keep saying we lived in Vancouver. Um.. our four-year old thought we moved there without him.
Amy Poehler: And how are things for you today?
The Real Gillian Woodward: Oh.. [ chuckles ] ..fine! Um.. it turned out my husband just had a hearing problem, and he was too embarrassed to admit it! We’re very happy.
Amy Poehler: That’s great.
The Real Gillian Woodward: Oh, and another thing – we never went to court, so..
Amy Poehler: Gillian, thank you for your courage and your truth.
Megan…..Maya Rudolph Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch Pete Van Bleet…..Sen. John McCain Mr. Banglion…..Horatio Sanz Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon
Megan: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for Wake Up Wakefield. Fun facts and important information for the student of San Jose. It’s 7:55 and we are live from the audio/visual department here in room 312. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hey
Megan: As always, we’re joined by Jazz Times Ten.
Sheldon: Scott Abasion, you blew my mind, dog. No wonder you went to districts. (Kid plays trumpet)
Megan: Great. Well, as you can see, me and Sheldon are geared up for today’s Halloween festivities. Sheldon, I like your costume. Who are you supposed to be?
Sheldon: I’m PBS interviewer, Charlie Rose. You guys should check him out, he blows Letterman away.
Megan: And I’m a hula girl. See, (stands up and gestures) this means “peaceful morning”, and this means “beautiful ocean”, and this means “Randy Goldman is my boyfriend and we’re full-on making out.” (makes out with invisible Randy Goldman)
Sheldon: Alright, um, our guest today teaches 7th grade visual arts. And even though his name is Mr. Van Bleet, he lets us all call him Pete. Please welcome, Pete Van Bleet. (entrance music, Pete Van Bleet enters)
Pete Van Bleet: What’s up, little dudes? Your costumes are outta sight.
Megan: Hey, thanks. My dad made me wear this shirt under it, so boys don’t get the wrong idea.
Pete Van Bleet: (to Sheldon) Who are you supposed to be?
Sheldon: I’m Charlie Rose.
Pete Van Bleet: I love Charlie Rose.
Sheldon: Did you see him last night? He really got Harrison Ford to open up.
Megan: Well, Mr. Van Bleet is our favorite teacher. One time, he let our class splatter paint all over each other. It was weird, but awesome.
Pete Van Bleet: Yea, man. It was Jackson Pollock freak out Friday.
Sheldon: Yea, I called it Sheldon’s Mom’s freak out Friday, because when I got paint in the front seat of her new Volvo, she freaked out.
Megan: So, Pete, what have you brought for us today?
Sheldon: Cause she leases it, and when we turn it in, there could be some serious penalties.
Megan: Woah, ok. Pete, I hear you brought us some interesting jack o’ lanterns.
Pete Van Bleet: These aren’t jack o’ lanterns. They’re abstract o’ lanterns! There ain’t no fascist right wing law that says you have to carve the same thing every year. (cart with 4 “abstract o’ lanterns” is wheeled on) Use your imagination! I carved these pumpkins into the original line up of Steely Dan.
Megan: Wow, Pete, that’s rad.
Sheldon: That’s a dead-on Donald Fagan.
Mr. Banglion: Hey kids!
Megan: Hey Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: Sorry to interrupt…
Sheldon: Hey Mr. B.
Mr. Banglion: Hello Mr. Van Bleet. You parked your VW bus diagonally across two parking spaces again.
Pete Van Bleet: Oh, sorry man, I spaced out.
Mr. Banglion: Yea, well, Ms. Blouchard had to park all the way around back and she has water ankles.
Pete Van Bleet: I’ll make it up to her. Is she into sand art?
Mr. Banglion: I don’t know. Hey kids, whatter those?
Megan: They’re Steely Dan o’ Lanterns.
Pete Van Bleet: I’m trying to get the estudiantes to use their imaginations! I use my imagination every day!
Mr. Banglion: Yea, your hair and clothes reek of your imagination, Pete. You might wanna restrict yourself to using your imagination just on the weekends. Bye kids.
Pete Van Bleet: Hey, I’m tenured man. I’m so tenured.
Megan: Bye Mr. B.
Pete Van Bleet: Fascist.
Megan: Ok, now it’s time for today’s hot topic, are we too old to trick or treat this year?
Sheldon: Um, well, last year, there was a pretty big problem in my neighborhood with people getting pushed into the hedges. Specifically, people who are dressed as peanut M&M’s, and weren’t expecting it because their costume limited their perifial vision. So, I’m just gunna lay low this year.
Megan: Yea, me too. I heard Randy Goldman and his crazy friends are going around TP’ing people’s yards, but I’ll be home all night, so he better not try my house, which is 1008 Hillside Avenue even though he probably will because there are so many trees perfect for TP’ing.
Randy Goldman: (entering) Hey, Pete, we need you in the art room. Uh, Joey Bradford just ate tempered paint. (Megan starts fidgeting)
Pete Van Bleet: Oh man, we’re gunna have to talk him down. I’m gunna need some Vitamin B, some orange juice, and some Almond Brothers records.
Megan: (standing) Oh, hey, uh, Randy. Uh, hows are you going? (winces)
Randy Goldman: Oh, hey Megan. Nice coconuts. (exits)
Megan: Randy Goldman knows my name.
Sheldon: That’s all the time we have.
Megan: Randy Goldman knows my name.
Sheldon: Signing off, I am Charlie Rose, AKA, Sheldon.
Megan: He-he got my name right!!
Sheldon: It’s cause those coconuts look like boobs. (Pause) Jazz Times Ten, take us out.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
Okay, the top story tonight: Saddam Hussein re-elected himself President of Iraq this week, and he claims the election results were 11 million to 0, with 1005 turnout. So, first of all: eugh, he voted for himself; and, secondly: really, Saddam? 100% voter turnout? Nobody overslept and forgot to vote, in the whole country? Nobody ate some bad lamb the night before, and got a bad case of the hajij and couldn’t get up all day? Nobody had to work a double-shift at the smallpox factory? Really? Good for you. Then, on Thursday, North Korea admitted that they have also been secretly developing nuclear weapons, but we’re gonna handle that problem diplomatically. So, why are we handling North Korea differently than Iraq? Because they’re two very different guys. Anyone with kids will tell that you discipine your younger child much differently than you discipline your older, North Korean child, who has a nuclear bomb. And don’t forget – Saddam Hussein tried to kill George Bush’s dad. Don’t underestimate how much that would piss you off if that were you, okay? Saddam tried to kill his dad. People have turned into superheroes over less, right? So, in conclusion, who should solve the North Korean problem? How about any country but us? France, you’ve got a lot of opinions – go over there. You’ll love North Korea, it’s completely devoid of Jews! alright? Come on, France; less talk, more rock. Back to you, Jimmy.
Saddam Hussein was indeed declared the winner, Wednesday, or Iraq’s election, winning a reported 100% of the vote. Once more, on Thursday, viewers unanimously voted him “Iraqi Idol”.
Jimmy Fallon: We actually have an audio recording of the song he sang – can we play the tape of Saddam on “Iraqi Idol”?
[ supposed recording of Saddam Hussein singing is played ]
Jimmy Fallon: Alright, you can shut the tape off, now. You can shut the tape off, thanks.
Bombardia Transportation introduced, this week, its new Jet-Train, a locomotive that is powered by a jet engine. That’s right, folks – it’s Jet Train, the new form of transportation that combines the danger of flying with the poor safety record of trains.
Pope John Paul celebrated his 24th anniversary as Pontiff by praying for the strength to continue his job, or, at least, a lighter hat.
CBS News announced this week a new format – a new host for “The Early Show”. And, to insure higher ratings, CBS is renaming it “CSI: The Early Show”.
Tina Fey: Scientists have identified an enzyme in onions that makes people tear up, which is the first step in creating genetically-modified onions that don’t make people cry. Hey, guys – AIDS! There’s still a lot of people dying of AIDS! Put the onion thing on the back burner, and cure AIDS!
jimmy Fallon: On the first episode of the VH-1 reality show about Liza Minelli and her husband David Guest, it will feature a dinner with 50 of their closest friends. On the menu is Minelli’s favorite meal – pills.
Tina Fey: It’s an honor to have Sen. John McCain on the show tonight, but, according to network policy, you must give equal time to a member of another political party. So, with us now, to share some of his political views, is senatorial candidate Tim Calhoun.
Tim Calhoun: [ meekly ] I’m Tim Calhoun. And I’m running for the office of Senator. A lot of people don’t know who Tim Calhoun is. So I’m going to tell you who Tim Calhoun is, and why I think Tim Calhoun should be the next senator.
I, Tim Calhoun, am.. nice.. [ flips index card ] ..trustworthy.. genuine.. likes music.. dances.. [ very quietly ] ..aggressive. [ flips index card ] I have used a lot of some drugs, and some not at all. Mainly pot and beer. But a little bit of cocaine. I’m real sorry about that cocaine. But there are times when I feel like partying and staying up realy late.. and cocaine can relaly help you do that. [ flips index card ] I am not married. So muy sexual history is not relevant. But, if you must know, I had some babies. Mainly by black ladies. But some by white. And a China baby. [ flips index card ] I love whales. But they have to go. So I’m going to organize a whaling party that will not stop until all whales are dead. [ flips index card ] America needs another big lake.
In conclusion, and in summary, you can’t spell “America” without “Tim Calhoun”. And the letters R, E, and A. The End.
Tina Fey: Tim Calhoun for Senator, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: [ over picture of Robert Downey, Jr. and his latest date ] In entertainment news, Robert Downey, Jr. appears to be dating.. me, in drag. I hope that works out for them/us.
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will reportedly get married next month at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. The couple is registered at the Center for Disease Control.
In Little Rock, California this week, rescuers took three hours to free a horse named Budweiser that fell into a tank of human waste. As a result, the horse had to be renamed Natural Lite.
Tina Fey: In her 130th day aboard the international space station, American astronaut Peggy Whitson said that her tastes have changed while in space, and she no longer wants the forty shrimp meals she brought along. Hey, Peggy? Do you want to keep letting women be astronauts? Yeah? Shut up, and eat the shrimp!
And finally tonight, a Michigan Man was arrested for indecent exposure after his neighbors witnessed him having sex with a pumpkin. Whats most disturbing is that it was anal sex.
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Hello, and welcome back to continuing coverage of the 2002 Iraqi Presidential Election. Whooo! We have a wild one our hands tonight, and so far it shows few signs of settling down.
Let us go now to the map. So, it is still early, but with thirty-twopercent of the precincts reporting it looks as though the provinces in red will be going to Saddam Hussein, Glorious Liberator and Defender of the Revolution. And in blue, you see the areas going to the opposition… And in green you see the villages that will be razed to the ground [blue province changes to green, accompanied by a chime sound].
Anyway, as of 10:25 Iraqi Standard Time, with thirty-four percent of the precincts reporting an estimated 99.37% of the electorate belongs to Saddam Hussein, Luminous Warrior and Scourge To The Yankee Running Dogs. And 0.03% of the electorate… go with God.
Here to help me explain the situation is esteemed presidential historian and commentator Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh. Daljit, nice to have you back.
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Pervez, a pleasure as always.
Wow, what a roller-coaster ride. First of all, let me say that in all my years of watching Iraqi elections I have never *not* seen an election like this one.
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Here, here… But the 0.03, what is *that*?
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Well, first Pervez, you have to remember that for Saddam Hussein — may his name be whispered with lasting reverence — this is a new election, the political landscape has changed a lot since 1995. Look at the opposition: I mean, Saddam is running against, well, nobody, but the Nobody he faces this year is much a tougher Nobody than the Nobody he faced in ’95.
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Oh man, oh my gosh, so this is a real camel-derby here, and that accounts for all the blue on the map?
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Well, Pervez, here is my suspicion: the ballots being used this year are a little confusing.
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Okay, okay, walk us through it.
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Okay, see, here is the box for Saddam…
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: …He Whose Benevolence Spreads Like a Milk Through the Tigris Valley…
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: …yes, the Sturdy Bridegroom of the IraqiState, yes, the one and only — ah, but there is a box marked ‘No’ here…
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Okay, okay… see, already you have *lost* me.
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: Okay, okay… I’ll explain it in more detail. See, marking this box is a vote *for* Saddam, and marking *this* box means, ‘No, I am *not* voting for Saddam.’
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: Once again, [waving hand over head] whoosh! I am *very* confused, I do not envy those voters out there at the polls. Actually, I am just getting word that earlier today that two of these ‘No’ votes were cast by secret ballot.
Daljit Kalakh Galanlaneesh: That’s right, Pervez, cast by secret ballot in Saddam’s home village of Tikrit by Omar Bakeesh and Tariq Al-Darwesh.
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: We go now to Rasheed Al-Mulakh in Tikrit, who’s trying to get an interview with the two ‘No’ voters. Rasheed?
Rasheed Al-Mulakh: Yes, Pervez! I’m here in the village of Tikrit, where two men have realy gotten things “shaken up!”
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: So, Rasheed, can we get an interview with the two ‘No’ voters?
Rasheed Al-Mulakh: No, no! Hahaha, they are [making air-quotes]*unavailable*! Hahaha…
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: [chuckling] Fantastic! And with those latestdevelopments in Tikrit, I am now receiveing word that Saddam Hussein, He Whose Loins Yeild Unto Us a Legion, has secured 100 percent of the electorate.
Pervez Al-Huwayeh: We go now live to the Mosul Palace for the acceptance speech.
Saddam Hussein: [laughing] Yay! HAHAHAHA! Thank you! Thank you so much, YEAH! We did it, ahhhhhh! [shoots rifle in air, then hands it to subordinate] Whoooooooo! Alright… Thank you to the guys in Starship — oh, my God, what a great campaign song, whooo-boy!
This… whoa, this is unexpected, this is a *real* surprise. Oh man, Ishould have *prepared* something. Okay… Oh, I have so many people tothank… My Death Squads, where are you guys? Heyyyyyy, hahahaha… Ahhh, I couldn’t have done it without you guys.
Y’know, a lot of people said we couldn’t win this, and to them I say:LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!
“I was faced with a choice: if I didn’t eat, I would offend my cannibal hosts; but if I ate, and, later on, Gary asked me how his foot tasted, I might have to lie and say it was great, even if it wasn’t.”
Air Date:
