Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

CBS News Special Report

Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Stephen Carr…..Seth Meyers
Trip Keating…..Jimmy Fallon
Trip’s Slut…..Maya Rudolph
Kid With Fedora…..Fred Armsien
Gwendolyn Schnurr…..Nia Vardalos

Dan Rather: Good evening. Breaking news in our coverage of Election 2002. The results are in, and the democrats are shut out harder than a Nancy Boy at a Texas cathouse. But CBS News aims to give you the most complete coverage. With that in mind, we go now, live, to Stephen Douglas High School in Lakewood, Illinois, and our CBS News Correspondent Stephen Carr.

[ cut to Stephen Carr in the campaign poster-covered halls of Stephen Douglas High School ]

Stephen Carr: Well, Dan, I’m standing here in the cafeteria, and, amidst the aroma of salisbury steak and day-old tater tots, thee’s another distinct smell – the smell.. of change. Let’s take a look at this graphic. [ graphic appears ] In this, one of the most hotly contested student council races that this state has seen in years, all five council seats have been swept by nerds! Degeating the cool kids, in what had been a cool kid hotbed for upwards of forty years.

Dan Rather: Well, grab me by my ankles, dump my head in the toilet and give me a swirlie. Stephen, how did this happen?

Stephen Carr: Well, let’s take a quick run through the races. Secretary was a shocker. Here was a case where a very nerdy girl – Erica “Squarica” Faust – beat a very slutty girl – Noella Forge.

Dan Rather: Wow. One usually expects a vote like this to go the slutty girl.

Stephen Carr: One usually does, Dan. It was a tough week for sluts. With Treasurer, it was a case of the candidates having similar names. Jock cool guy John Thompson ran against huge nerd Tom Johnson. also, their campaign posters were almost identical, both choosing to put pictures of their heads in money.

Dan Rather: Shades of Nixon-McGovern, 1972. Positively eerie.

Stephen Carr: Our exit polling shows that a lot of the stoners and dumb kids may have been confused. Whatever hte reason may be, Tom Johnson – nerd – finds himself heading to the renovated storage closet that is the student council office.

Dan Rather: Well, that leaves the big one. Let’s cut the rest of the lunch line, because they’re running out of sloppy joes, and I don’t have a period. Stephen, something’s heating up here, and it’s not the stack of porno the weird janitor keeps in the boiler room.

Stephen Carr: [ shaking his head ] That’s right, Dan. The student council President. This year we had three candidates, and, in a surprise upset, Gwendoyln Schnurr – nerd – stole it from two cool guys – Shawn Cooper, and Gordo. A classic case of the cool guys splitting the vote. The black cools went with Cooper, the white cools with Gordo. Meanwhile, being a nerd has always transcended race, and Schnurr ran a Nerd First campaign to perfection.

Dan Rather: Well, what about last year’s President, hardline cool guy Trip Keating?

Stephen Carr: Interesting story, Dan. Apparently, Trip was so cool that he took himself out of the running this year, because Student Council as – and these are his words – “Totally gay.” I’m getting word that he’s about to make his final address to the student body. Let’s take you there, now.

[ cut to Trip Keating stepping in front of the podium with his arms wrapped around a slut ]

Trip Keating: Yeah, I guess, uh.. they wanted me to make some stupid speech, or something.. so, whatever. [ opens speech ] “This.. is.. lame..” [ throws his speech to the floor ] Hey, Douglas high can suck it! [ exits ]

Dan Rather: That boy is cooler than Sister Mary Margaret’s nipples on a cold winter’s morning.

Stephen Carr: That’s right, Dan.

Dan Rather: I mean.. I mean.. I mean, I’m not gay, but that boy – whoo!

Stephen Carr: Uh.. uh.. that’s enough, Dan! Come on! We’re gonna take you now, back to the gymatorium, where our winner, Gwendolyn Schnurr, is set to make her acceptance speech.

[ headgear-clad Gwendolyn Schnurr steps up to the podium with her entourage of assorted nerd types ]

Gwendolyn Schnurr: Wow! They said it couldn’t be done!

Dan Rather: Looking at the stage, it seems to be a sea of queerbaits, pizzafaces, derwins, dillweeds, and career masturbators. Is that what I think it is?

Stephen Carr: That’s right – it’s headgear, Dan. Let’s hear what she has to say.

Gwendolyn Schnurr: Wow, they said it couldn’t be done! They said nerds would never rule this school! Well, Stephen Douglas has a new head of hair! And it is oillllllly!! Fro too long, the nerds of this school have been splintered – the marching band nerds, the newspaper nerds, the build-your-own-go-cart nerds! Now we can move about this school as one! But our victory is not just a victory for nerds! We would not be here today without the support of the dorks, the geeks, and, of course, the kid who wears the fedora! [ camera shows kid wearing fedora ] What more to say? what more to say? At a time like this, you just kinda want to say.. ni! Ni!

[ the other nerds join in with the chant of “Ni! Ni!” ]

Gwendolyn Schnurr: I’m so excited, I really am! I can hardly feel my back brace! See you guys at Trig! [ colored balloons fall from the ceiling, many of them bouncing off Gwendolyn’s head ] Ow! Ow, my eye! Ow! [ covers eye ]

Dan Rather: Well.. well, there you have it – the voters have spoken, and they have spoken in Klingon. That’s part of our world this evening. For the CBS Evening News.. Dan Rather. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This past Tuesday, you went to the polls in the first mid-term election of this presidency, and you made history. As the party holding the White House, Republicans were expected to lose seats in both the house and the Senate. But, because of your support, we actually gained seats, increasing our majority of the house, and returning the Senate to Republican control. Let’s look at the Senate.

[ holds up Senate scoreboard ]

Before the election, its 100 members included 50 Democrats, 49 Republicans, and 1 Independent – Sen. Jeffords of Vermont, the pee-pants who switched parties. That’s 50 Democrats, 49 Republicans, and 1 Independent. On Tuesday, Democrats picked up one seat, in Arkansas. [ writes “+1” under Democrats ] But Republicans gained three, in Georgia, Minnesota and Missouri. [ writes “+3” under Republicans ] Thus, in January, the new Senate will have.. [ adds totals ] ..51 Democrats.. 52 Republicans.. and 1 Independent. [ looks at the board curiously ] No, wait, that can’t be right. [ studies the board carefully ] Wait.. let’s try this.. [ erases wrong totals with his hand, holds up ink-smudged hand to the audience and laughs ]

On Tuesday, Democrats lost three seats.. [ writes “-3” under Democrats ] ..but Republicans only lost one. [ writes “-1” under Republicans ] Which means, come next year, the 100-member Senate will have.. ] adds the totals ] ..47 Democrats.. 48 Republicans.. and 1 Independent. [ looks at the board again ] Hang on. [ studies the board carefuly ] No, that’s right. 47 Democrats, 48 Republicans, and 1 Independent.

Now, let’s look at the races for Governor. [ holds up Governor scoreboard ] Before the election, the 50 state governors included 27 Republicans, 21 Democrats, and 2 Independents. On Tuesday, 36 states held races for Governor. Republicans won 22.. [ writes “+22” under Republicans ] ..Democrats won 14.. [ writes “+14” under Democrats ] So, come January, we will havem by my calculation.. [ adds totals ] ..49 Republican governors.. and 35 Democrats. Although, I believe I’m counting some of them twice here, because that’s too many.

But the numbers aren’t important. You see, this election was about more than how many governors there are. It was about helping your friends. Now, let’s be frank – I’m a popular guy. I like people, with the possible exception of Sen. Jeffords, the little fudge-drawers from Vermont. And, more important, people like me. Perhaps, I thought, if I asked them to, they would also like my friends. That’s why, just before the election, I went on a 5-day, 15-state campaign blitz, in order to help my friends running for office. Just as, on the other side, former President Clinton and Vice-President Gore were doing the same, although, in their case, in a losing effort. [ laughs ] Now, the results are in. I congratulate my friends on their victories. And, as we try to move America forward, I hope I can count on their support – just as former President Clinton and Vice-Preisdent Gore could have counted on the support of those they tried to help, had the outcome been different, and had their help not actually been the Kiss of Death.

One final word. To the American people: you gave me the Republican Senate I asked for, and I won’t let you down. And, to Sen. Jeffords of Vermont: welcome to Hell! Thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Bloder Brothers

Chinese Man…..Fred Armisen
Anita…..Nia Vardalos
Kip Bloater…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloater…..Chris Parnell

Chinese Man: You look like you had a thumbs-down day.

Anita: Well lets see, I hate my job, my friend totaled by car, and I just found out that the guy I’ve been flirting with on the internet is a 60 year old woman named Lu.

Chinese Man: Major bummer.

Anita: I’m getting a nice buzz off this Saki though. I think I’ll have another.

(Chinese Man walks away, camera pans to Bloater Brothers)

Kip Bloater: Saki? I’m Soukee.

Wayne Bloater: And I’m Teri.

Kip Bloater: And we’re the Yahki brothers.

Wayne Bloater: Teriyaki.

Kip Bloater: Soukeaki.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I kind of want to be alone tonight.

Kip Bloater: Well if you’re alone, then we’de like to approve that loan – approved.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I’ve got to warn you though – this loan’s got high-interest… in you.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: Would you like something to start?

Wayne Bloater: Yeah, a relationship with her.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Me too, make it extra spicy.

Chinese Man: I bring you – (untranscribible word that rhymes with other mommy)

Wayne Bloater: Wa-wa. I want my other mommy.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: I’d like some me-so soup because me-so hungry.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Me-so lonely.

Anita: Me-so want you guys to sit somewhere else.

(Muffled laugh)

Wayne Bloater: How about your lap?

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: How about your bath-tub?

Anita: How about the back of a police cruiser?

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo!

Kip Bloater: I hope they got a pu-pu platter cause I sort of got to shitaki.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I think I’ll take the shrimp roll. Oops cancel that, I already have one in my pants.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Well this yellow-tail is good.

Wayne Bloater: Any tail is good.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Many tail is better.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Who are you guys?

Kip Bloater: Well, I’m Kip and this is my brother Wayne.

Wayne Bloater: And were the Bloater Brothers.

Kip Bloater: We used to calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Wayne Bloater: And now we pose nude for Playgirl and Hunk.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Playgirl and Hunk are the names of our parakeets.

Anita: Somebody call the humane society.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I’m Anita.

Wayne Bloater: And we’re a needy.

(both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Of a warn bod-y.

Wayne Bloater: Because we’re four-ty.

Chinese Man: I made you a special Bento Box.

Kip Bloater: Hey, this box is bento.(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Yeah we want one that’s straight-o.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: You guys are lame-o.

Kip & Wayne: Oooo!

Kip Bloater: Hey, hey, wait… wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Hey guys… what’s wrong with youuuu? (Slight pause) Can you tell me guys, honestly, what do you guys look for in a woman?

Wayne Bloater: I’m pretty picky. I look for pity and a heart-beat.

Kip Bloater: I look for a woman I can deflate and hide from my father.

(Both laugh)

Anita: You guys are a riot. Do you like to party?

Kip Bloater: Well if party means dressing up like R2-D2 and one of the Mario Brothers and drivng around honking the horn, then indeed we party.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: If party means shortsheeting our parents bed and then hiding out in our basement clubhouse, then yeah we party.

(Both laugh)

Anita: How about coming over to my apartment and finishing off a bottle of Russian vodka?

Kip Bloater: Where-ski?

Wayne Bloater: And when-ski?

Anita: How about now-ski?

Kip & Wayne: Utgh-oooo-ski

Anita: I know I have Saki goggles on right now but you guys are so weird you’re cute. Lets go home and let our bodies do the talking.Wayne Bloater: What’s that body – please, don’t let her see my enormous areolas.

Kip Bloater: (body talking) Please don’t let her see the stretch marks on my floppy man breasts.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just go get some ice cream.

Wayne Bloater: I scream…

Kip Bloater: You scream…

Wayne Bloater: You would scream if you saw my enormous areolas.

(Both laugh)Anita: You guys are not obviously into this, and I’m drunk and I don’t think I’m drunk enough to have sex with two gia-pets.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh…pause) Bye-oooo! (Laugh)

Chinese Man: Here you go.

Wayne Bloater: Whats this?

Chinese Man: Its called oonagi, because you not getting any tonight.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh, cry, then laugh again)

(fade)

Submitted by: Ryan Corwin

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 9th, 2002

Nia Vardalos

Eve

None

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bush (Chris Parnell) uses fuzzy math to record Republican election wins.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Nia Vardalos’ Monologue

Tina Fey introduces Vardalos to her Greek family.

Swiffer Sleepers

(Rerun) See: 10/12/02.

Bloater Brothers

Kip (Jimmy Fallon) & Wayne (Chris Parnell) hit on woman (Vardalos) at sushi bar.

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloater, Wayne Bloater.

CBS Special Report

Nerds have overtaken the cool kids in Douglas High student elections.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

La Femme Day Spa

Spa matron (Vardalos) waxes patron’s (Rachel Dratch) stubborn hairs.

Eve performs “Gangsta Lovin'”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Tina Fey & Jimmy Fallon demonstrate sonar security system.

Seth Meyers’ conversation if he’d gone to his 10-year high school reunion.

The Ferey Muhtar Talk Show

Turkish actress (Vardalos) discusses calendar and night out dancing.

Recurring Characters: Ferey Muhtar, Tariq Uzekiel.

The Falconer

Falcon temporarily abandons Falconer (Will Forte) for the good life.

Pier 1

Former spokesman Kirstie Alley (Vardalos) kidnaps businesswoman (Rachel Dratch).

Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E.

Missy Elliot (Tracy Morgan) workout helps drop a few pounds.

Eve performs “Satisfaction”

Glenda Goodwin: Attorney-at-Law

Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) sues against unbelievable circumstances.

Community Accents

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) is easily distracted during issues forum.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

American Morning

Paula Zahn…..Tina Fey
Brent Dunlop…..Eric McCormack
Koatie Jeffers…..Rachel Dratch
Stephanie Lockland…..Amy Poehler
Terrence Peeler…..Chris Parnell

Paula Zahn: Good morning, I’m Paula Zahn. And, sitting in for my usual sidekick Jack Cafferty, this morning, is Brent Dunlop. Brent. Brent, I know you usually work in Atlanta with our own Wolf Blitzer, but, uh, welcome to “American Morning.” Good to have you here.

Brent Dunlop: Thanks, Paula. As you know, it’s a little early for me, so bare with me.

Paula Zahn: [ chuckles playfully ] You’ll be just fine!

Brent Dunlop: Now, Jack told me to watch you like a hawk.

Paula Zahn: [ guffaws ] I don’t know! You crazy guys down at Nightly News are the ones to watch! [ laughs ] Anyway, we are following three stories closely this morning. [ correspondents are shown one-by-one in their various locales ] Terrence Peeler joins us from the UN, where a new round of negotiations are under way. Stephanie Lockland in Russia, with more information about the gas used in last week’s raid. And Koatie Jeffers in Montgomery County, with an update on the sniper suspects.

Brent Dunlop: New developments down there, concerning this case, I understand.

Paula Zahn: Yes, big news. We’ll be talking to Koatie Jeffers in just a minute.. I did want to ask Brent, though, uh.. if he got a chance to see the changing leaves on his way up from Atlanta.

Brent Dunlop: I did. Beautiful color. I love New York in the Fall.

Paula Zahn: Isn’t it beautiful?

Brent Dunlop: Yeah. Oops. Sorry.. [ picks lint from Paula’s shoulder ] A little something there..

Paula Zahn: [ laughing ] Oh, my God! Well, someone from hair and make-up is in big truoble! [ laughs ] Uh.. can I just say that, uh.. this is sort of.. working between us.

Brent Dunlop: I-it is!

Paula Zahn: Yeah.

Brent Dunlop: Right? I feel it.

Paula Zahn: [ a beat ] Are we in love?

Brent Dunlop: Oh, my God.. I.. I thought it was just me.. I didn’t want to be the first one to say it, I.. I do love you.. I love you so much!

Paula Zahn: I’m in love with you, too!

[ they laugh ]

[ SUPER: “Breaking News: Anchors in Love” ]

Paula Zahn: Anyway, Koatie.. what’s happening down in, uh.. down in, uh.. [ laughs ] I am so embarrassed! Uh.. in Montgomery County.. we’re hearing new developments that have increased the death toll.

Koatie Jeffers: Yes, Paula. Investigators are now trying to link Mohamed and Malvo to several unsolved crimes in different states. Um.. but, putting that aside for a second.. I just want to say that.. you too.. [ chuckles happily ]

Brent Dunlop: Go on!

Koatie Jeffers: Well..!

Paula Zahn: You can say it!

Koatie Jeffers: You’re so in love! I love that you’re in love!

Paula Zahn: Believe me, we love being in love.

Brent Dunlop: [ reflective ] Ah.. love is great. Kiss?

[ they kiss ]

Paula Zahn: I love you.

Brent Dunlop: Ohhh.. ditto.

Koatie Jeffers: You guys! I’m so jealous!

Paula Zahn: Stephanie Lockland, standing by in Russia, with the latest on the gas that killed so many in that raid. Stephanie, I’ve got to ask you, uh.. what do you think of our love?

Stephanie Lockland: [ stone-faced ] Ar-are you guys nuts?

Brent Dunlop: We’re love nuts! [ laughs with Paula ]

Stephanie Lockland: I’m just going to enter my report like this is a news show.

Paula Zahn: [ mimicking ] Ohh, she’s so serious! [ laughs ]

Stephanie Lockland: The American Embassy has learned that the gas used to subdue the rebels in last week’s raid was one of high potency..

Paula Zahn: [ to Brent ] I love you so much..

Brent Dunlop: I love you.. so.. much.

Paula Zahn: You’re so sweet..

Brent Dunlop: God, I.. I, uh.. got you this.. [ removes small box from jacket pocket ]

Paula Zahn: [ excited and surprised ] What! Oh, you didn’t! What is it?

Brent Dunlop: Well.. open it.

Paula Zahn: Oh, my God.. oh, my God.. [ opens package ] Huh.. pearls! I love pearls!

Brent Dunlop: They’re earrings.

Paula Zahn: I knew that! [ they giggle ] Oh.. Terrence, have we seen some movement from the French on this UN resolution?

Terrence Peeler: [ shaking head ] I.. guess.. I don’t know. What I’m seeing is two people very much in love. And, when you get right down to it, what has news got to do with the way two people feel? I mean, I could talk about UN stuff, but.. really.. [ singing ] ““Looooovvvee.. look at the two of yooooouuu..“

Brent Dunlop: [ laughing ] Terrence Peeler! Stop it! No, that was very nice!

Paula Zahn: Oh, so sweet.. so sweet..

Stephanie Lockland: Hey! Come on! Cut this out, this is the news! Act professionally!

Brent Dunlop: I wonder if she’s in Russia? [ laughs ]

Paula Zahn: Yeah! Thanks a lot, Stephanie – bye!

Brent Dunlop: Bye!

Paula Zahn: Koatie?

Koatie Jeffers: Those earrings are so great! [ excited ] You are so.. LUCKY!!

Paula Zahn: He’s a great guy. I think I’ll keep him! [ chuckles, as Brent begins kissing her all over her neck ] Ooh! Uh.. when we return.. stop it! [ Brent laughs ] A new study shows that world hunger is said to be the leading cause of death. [ cue romantic music ] And, of course, more love.

[ Terrence Peeler leaves UN landscape to enter the news set ]

Terrence Peeler: [ singing ] “Loooooovvee.. look at the two of yoooooouuuu.. strangerrrrrrs.. in many waaaaayyys..“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Z105

Joey Mack…..Jimmy Fallon
Councilman Gik…..Eric McCormack

[ open on metro area traffic scene, to the sounds of morning zoo radio Z-105 ]

Joey Mack V/O: Good morning, Saugurtes! Joey Mack & The Fuzz coming at ya – Andrea’s gonna give us a traffic report pretty soon!

Andrea V/O: It’s gonna be rough out there, you guys!

Joey Mack V/O: All that and more!

[ dissolve to interior, radio booth, only one on-air personality visible at the mike ]

Joey Mack: You’ve been listening to Z-105 all morning, and you’re listening to the best! [ pot rock music up ] Alright! Anyway. So, I was with this girl last night, right, and things get crazy.. she puts her finger where it’s not supposed to go. I don’t know why they do that. Anyways! Making me toast the next morning, I notice her fingernails are all brown – oh, my God! [ laughs ] It’s 5:43 in the A.M. here – we’ll be right back with the morning mix!

Joey Mack: Hey! Councilman Gik?

Councilman Gik: Yeah. I’m, uh.. looking for Joey Mack & The Fuzz.. the Z-105 Morning Crew..?

Joey Mack: Yeah! Come on in, come on! Thank you so much for coming! We’re excited here!

Councilman Gik: There’s an election coming.. I thought I would get the word out.

Joey Mack: Put your headphones on, we’re psyched to have you, thank you so much! This is great!

Councilman Gik: [ looking around the booth ] It sounded like there were.. a lot more people in here.

Joey Mack: Oh, yeah, yeah! Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it.

And we’re baaaaack! It’s 5:24 in the A.M. here, we got a special guest in the studio.. [ Man-in-the-Box voice ] Is it Pamela Lee? [ Joey ] Man In The Box! Get back in there! No, it’s not Pamela Lee! We’ve got Councilman Bill Gik, he’s running for Mayor this week.

Councilman Gik: Thank you.. it’s, uh, nice to be here.. I’m running for County Legislator.

Joey Mack: Anyway.. I gotta ask you a question. You’re in politics, right?

Councilman Gik: Yeah.

Joey Mack: Now, we can’t say the word, because this is radio, but you know what I’m talking about. Do you get a lot of wounaki?

Councilman Gik: W-wounaki..? I-I-I don’t know what you’re-

Joey Mack: Come on, you’re an ordinary guy, hey! I’ll tell you who’s gettin’ a lot of wounaki – it’s our traffic girl Andrea. [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guys! I do not, you don’t even know! [ Joey ] I’ll tell you what. I heard Andrea went on a date last night.. [ Man -in-the-box voice ] I heard she gave up the wounakiiiii! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! [ Andrea voice ] I can’t believe it! [ Joey ] Now, Andrea.. at Cactus Jack’s, right? You’re there with this guy Brian, Ryan, I don’t know what’s his name? [ Andrea voice ] You know his name is Brian, you guys, he’s nice! [ Joey ] Anyway. Andrea’s out with this guy – Brian, Ryan, whatever his name is, alright? Let me get this straight – the guy uses a coupon.. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Cheap-ooooo! [ Joey ] Good call, Man-in-a-box! I mean, where’d you meet this guy, in Costco? [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guy’s he’s frugal! [ Joey ] Alright, my question is: Did he give her half-off the wounaki? It’s 5:26 in the a.m., we’ll be right back!

[ to Councilman Gik ] So, uh.. how’s the election going?

Councilman Gik: Uh.. good, I-I guess.. Am I going to get to talk about the issues?

Joey Mack: Yeah, yeah, sure! Is there something you want to plug, or..

Councilman Gik: Well, I’d like to talk about the Hastings Paper Mill, it’s polluting Hardy Pond, it’s killing all the-

Joey Mack: Hold on a second. [ on the mike ] And we’re baaaack! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. Councilman Bill Gik is here. We were talking about an important issue during the break..

Councilman Gik: Yes, we were.

Joey Mack: Uh, now, Councilman, honestly – how many times a day did you say you stroke it?

Councilman Gik: Wha-what?!

Joey Mack: Two times? Three times? [ Andrea voice ] You guys! [ Joey ] Uh, he’s pointing up, Andrea! Four times?!

Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] I didn’t say that I-

Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] It’s very possible! [Joey ] Now, we got our intern, Sonji, just came in here. Sonji, Councilman Gik says he spanks it four times a day!

Councilman Gik: I did not say that!

Joey Mack: Is that possible? [ Sonji voice ] I do not know, that is impossible.. oh, my god, I don’t believe this.. [ Joey ] Sonji, did you hear that Andrea’s date used a coupon at Cactus Jack’s! [ Sonhi voice ] No, I did not hear that.. that is funny! Oh, he used a coupon on a date! [ Joey ] Now, Councilman, you heard about the coupon, right?

Councilman Gik: [ exasperated ] No, I didn’t..

Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I heard that he didn’t need any coupons [ Joey ] Why is that, Man-in-the-box? [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Because her panties were half-off! [ andrea voice ] Man-in-the-box! [ Man-in-the-box ] It was all-you-can-eat wounaki buffet! [ Joey ] Alright! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. here. We got a caller on Line 1. Caller, you’re on the air! [ Caller voice ] Uh, hi there, Councilman. Gary. [ Joey ] Hey, Gary’s a typical guy, right? It’s me, Joey Mack! [ Andrea voice ] And Andrea! [ Man-in-the-box voice ] What’s up, Gary? It’s me, Man-in-the-box! [ Sonji voice ] It’s me – Sonji! [ Joey ] And? [ holds microphone towards Councilman Gik ]

Councilman Gik: [ hesitant ] Bill..

Joey Mack: Gik is here! Uh.. Gary, do you have a question for Councilman Gik? [ Caller voice ] Uh, yeah, I have a question about your opponent?

Councilman Gik: [ suddenly psyched ] Uh, yes! Janice Rhiney. go ahead.

Joey Mack: [ Caller voice ] Yeah, I-I-I was wondering, uh.. did she give you any wounaki? [ Joey ] Ha ha ha! [ Sonji vice ] Oh, my God, that is hilarious! [ Joey ] The gang wants to know if you’re sticking it to your opponet Janice Rhiney!

Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] What?! No!

Joey Mack: He’s winking! He’s winking at me, folks!

Councilman Gik: I am not!

Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I’d like to stick it in her rhiney!

Councilman Gik: Ohh, come on! It’s 5:30 in the morning!

Joey Mack: Hey, leave me out of this, alright? That’s between you and the Man-in-the-box!

Councilman Gik: What Man-in-the-box?! There is no Man-in-the-box!

Joey Mack: [ solemn ] I’m gonna be honest with you right now – I have a boner! [ presses button to make springing sound effect ] Okay! I’m excited right now! [ Councilman Gik stands to leave ] Uh-oh! Councilman Gik’s trying to get a peek over here!

Councilman Gik: You know, I’m just gonna go!

Joey Mack: Alright, see you later. Councilman Gik is great, great guy that councilman, I like him a lot. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I think that guy pooped his paaaants! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! Now, wait – Councilman Gik’s coming.. he’s back.. what did he say.. he came back in here, how are you doing? [ Councilman Gik voice ] Uh.. hey, everybody.. I’m Councilman Gik.. I pooped my pants. [ Andrea voice ] Euuuggh, that’s gross! [ Man-in-the-box ] I knew he did it! [ Joey ] Oh, my God! Councilman Gik pooped his pants! That’s crazy! It’s 5:31 in the a.m., we’ll be right back..

Councilman Gik: [ running back in to defend himself ] I did not poop my pants! Is this on?! I did NOT poop my pants!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Baby-K…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

More than 200 Haitian immigrants waited ashore and rushed onto a major highway Tuesday after their 50-foot wooden freighter ran aground off of Miami, Florida. The Haitians said this was absolutely the last time they would book their travel through Priceline.com.

Jimmy Fallon: Tonight the United States Olympic committee officially nominated New York City as the US candidate to hold the 2012 Olympics. It’s really great news. The really great news is it gives New Yorkers a full 10 years to get the hell out of here.

Tina Fey: A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spear’s New York restaurant “Nyla” is in trouble and may close after just 4 months. In happier news, “Christina Aguilera’s Filthy Hot Dog Wagon is going strong.

Jimmy Fallon: A German schoolgirl has invented what she calls a merciless bed, which dumps people onto the floor when their alarm clock goes off. It has already won a prize for “Most German Invention”.

Tina Fey: While appearing on Larry King Live, Heather Mills-McCartney, the wife of Paul McCartney, removed her artificial leg and allowed King to hold it. Then in a spontaneous moment, King asked the leg to marry him.

Jimmy Fallon: Last weekend, Jackass: The Movie tramped the competition and topped the box office charts the second week in a row. Here with his review is NBC movie critic, Gene Shalit everybody.

Gene Shalit: Hello, Jimmy! First, let me say this. Jackass: The Movie is a jackass of a movie! Hey, hey, you, you, get the jackass off of my screen! Don’t jack-ask me again, Michael Jack-ackson! Put away your shiny glove! This thriller is a dud! Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who thinks that Jackass: The Movie isn’t worth saying, “Mama say, Mama sa, Mama kusa!”

Jimmy Fallon: Crazy.

Gene Shalit: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: What?

Gene Shalit: Get the jackass out of your trunk and change the tire and drive your car away from this movie!

Jimmy Fallon: I am so lost, I mean, what on earth are you . . .

Gene Shalit: Jimmy! A little ditty about Jackass and I end, to an American movie doing the worst it can as a movie!

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I think we get the idea. You didn’t like Jackass. Have you seen anything else? How about “Ghost Ship”?

Gene Shalit: [pauses] Ghost Ship? More like a steaming pile of Ghost Ship? Who ya gonna call? Ghost Ship Busters! [starts laughing] If you call me up . . . I am afraid of this Ghost Ship, Jimmy!

[By this time, Jimmy is laughing so much he can’t even speak clearly.]

Jimmy Fallon: You’re not in your Today Show studio. You know, we have microphones, you don’t need to yell so much.

Gene Shalit: I’m old!

Jimmy Fallon: I know. Do you dye your mustache as well?

Gene Shalit: I dye everything!

Jimmy Fallon: How about the movie “The Ring”? Did you see “The Ring”? That’s supposed to be pretty good.

Gene Shalit: Ring around the rosey, trouser full of crapola! Ring, ring! Hello! Who’s this? Scary? You betcha!

Jimmy Fallon: All right, okay, that’s good.

Gene Shalit: Ring around the collar! I say, skid marks in my drawers! When “The Ring” is in my theater . . .

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we get it, we got it.

Gene Shalit: I got some more about Jackass, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: I think we’ve had enough, actually.

Gene Shalit: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jackass nipping at your theater! Merry Christmas? I say, Merry Don’t-count-me-in-the crot-of-this-movie, ISTA-MIS! Jackass!

Jimmy Fallon: “Istmas?” You gotta put some more effort into your songs!

Gene Shalit: HIT IT! [Gene Shalit gets up, music starts, and he dances around flailing his arms and making faces.]

Jimmy Fallon: What’s going on? This is crazy. What is he doing? Why is he doing this? He’s lost his mind!

Gene Shalit: When the movie stinks, it has no story! Then you’re watching “Jack-the-ass: The Movie! [resumes dancing]

Jimmy Fallon: Gene Shalit, everybody!

Gene Shalit: GO TO HELL, JIMMY! [exits]

Tina Fey: We lost complete control . . .

Kevin Costner had his appendix out this week, but doctors say he is in boring condition and resting boringly.

VH1 has pulled the plug on “The Liza and David Show” after weeks of frustration trying to deal with control-freak David Gest. Also there were fears that during shooting, the lights would melt his wax head.

Jimmy Fallon: Musician Moby has created a book club for fans attending his concerts in which they bring a used book and take one from a communal pile. Moby said he got the idea when fans told him that the most exciting thing to do at one of his concerts is read.

Tina Fey: According to reports, Phil Collins has been going deaf for the past 2 years and may have to give up touring.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no, no…that’s not what I heard. I heard that he witnessed this deaf guy murder this other deaf guy [“In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays] and then he invited the murderer to his concert and now he’s pretending to be deaf to trick him.

[Jimmy and Tina bob their heads to the music, then it stops.]

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Following a series of salmonella outbreaks, the food and drug administration has put a ban on the import of Mexican cantaloupes. This could be really bad news for Salma Hayek.

A man in Indiana was arrested for stealing a chicken, taking it to a motel and having sex with it until it died. Police have issued a warrant for this man. [shows a picture of Gonzo from the Muppets]

You know Tina, I gotta tell you that Jay-Z was pretty great, right, Jay-Z? He’s awesome, he’s a good dude, a very good rapper. I’ll tell you what, I like the guy. My favorite guy in the group is that guy Baby K.

Tina Fey: Baby-K, which one is Baby-K?

Jimmy Fallon: He’s the little guy, he’s like 2 months old, he wears gold chains.

Tina Fey: I didn’t see Baby-K. I didn’t see that guy.

Jimmy Fallon: Actually, I got to know him pretty well. I could possibly persuade him to sing a song with his new joint. Baby K, come here for a second. [Jimmy jumps over the Update desk, puts Baby K on the desk, and returns]

Tina Fey: Oh there he is, he’s so cute. Hi Baby-K.

Baby-K: Gimme a beat! (rapping)
I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started
I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started
I’m gonna get this, I’m gonna get this,
I’m-a, I’m-a, I’m-a…mama, mama, mama, mama, mama…
I’m gonna get this party started, this party, party started. Word!

Jimmy Fallon: Baby-K everybody. (he goes and picks Baby-K up and takes him off the desk, he goes and sits down again)

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, that’s Jimmy Fallon, I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

( Jimmy throws the pencil, Baby-K’s music comes on and Tina and Jimmy begin to dance)

Submitted by: Roseanne S. & Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Eric McCormack’s Monologue

…..Eric McCormack
…..Chris Kattan

Eric McCormack: Thank you. Thank you so much. What can I say? I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live” – how happy am I! Most of you probably know me as Will, from “Will & Grace”.. I understand that there may be some questions out here for me tonight. I’m happy to answer them, but let me start with the obviosu one first – No.. I’m not gay. I get that a lot, because my character, Will, is gay.. but I’m not. But I’m happy to answer anything else, though. Anybody?

Male Audience Member #1: Yes, hi, Eric.

Eric McCormack: Hi.

Male Audience Member #1: I don’t really have a question, just more of a comment? Uh.. I just want to say I’m a big fan of “Will & Grace”, I love your work.

Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. thank you very much.

Male Audience Member #1: Oh, by the way, everyone thinks I’m gay, too, but.. I’m not! [ laughs ] Just like you!

Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. uh.. yes, you? [ points to second audence member ]

Male Audience Member #2: [ dressed in cardigan, with a high, snoty voice ] Hi, Eric. I’m not gay, wither. I was hoping you could settle a bet – are your eyes green.. or hazel?

Eric McCormack: Wow.. they are actually green..

Male Audience Member #2: [ to Male Companion ] You owe me a back rub! His eyes are gree, and he’s not gay! We’re not gay, either! [ snickers ]

Eric McCormack: I’m.. I’m not gay..

Male Audience Member #2: Of course.

Eric McCormack: No! I’m not! Somebody else, please. On more question. [ points ] You, sir? [ man clad in leather chaps rises ] Actually, you know what? Not.. not.. not you.. the guy behind you. Yeah?

Male Audience Member #3: Yeah, um.. I’m not gay, either..

Eric McCormack: Great! What’s your question?

Male Audience Member #3: Uh.. do you want to go make out?

Eric McCormack: Okay, look! Will is gay.. I’m not! Is that so hard..?

[ Chris Kattans comes onstage ]

Chris Kattan: McCormack.. McCormack.. it’s okay.

Eric McCormack: I just, you know.. I try..

Chris Kattan: I know! I know! You know what? You’re not gonna beleive this.. but, sometimes, people think I’m gay. [ reveals that he’s wearing Mango outfit underneath ]

Eric McCormack: You?

Chris Kattan: Yeah, I know! Can you believe it?

Eric McCormack: But, you’re so..

Chris Kattan: No, I know, I know! and I’m a happily married man!

Eric McCormack: Yeah?

Chris Kattan: Yeah! Look at this! [ shows picture of himself with butch-looking woman ] That’s my wife – Bernice! And, still, people think I’m gay! I think what you need to do, is look deep down inside, and find that man inside of you, and share it with others.

Eric McCormack: Maybe you’re right.

Chris Kattan: Yeah.

Eric McCormack: Thanks, Chris!

Chris Kattan: You’re welcome. [ winks at audience before exiting stage ]

Eric McCormack: Chris is right! It doesn’t matter what you all think. I know I’m a straight man! I know it!

[ cue music, Eric begins song ]

“And I’ll tell you whyyyyyyy

I love baseball, and boxing,
messing around with tools!
Six-packs, and wrestling,
and smoking a pack of Kools.

I love watching Steve McQueen
movies on the late, late show!
And push-ups, and jumping jacks,
don’t you know!

What I really, really love
more than anything..
are boobies!Boobies!

Boobies in the morning,
boobies in the Spring!
Boobies in my face,
boobies are everything!

Boobiiiiieeeesss!!”

I think I just set the record straight, would you say? We’ve got a great show for you tonight! I’m not gay! Jay-Z’s here, with Lenny Kravitz and Beoynce! so, stick around – I’m not gay – we’ll be right back! I’m not gay! I’m not.. gay!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

John Hancock Life Insurance

Husband…..Eric McCormack
Wife…..Amy Poehler

[ open on Husband and Wife having dinner in a fancy restaurant, frantically whispering to one another across the table – camera pans back and forth between them as they speak ]

Husband: Will you relax? The market always comes back.

Wife: It’s our safety net. You don’t.. screw around with it.

Husband: W-wait as minute.. you think this is easy for me? Do you know the pressure I’m under? Do you know how much college is gonna cost?

Wife: That’s what I’m talking about. What about me and the kids?

[ SUPER: “The average age a women becomes a widow is 56” ]

What happens if you’re attacked by a mountain lion?[ SUPER: “Last year 2 people were killed by mountain lions” ]

Husband: That is not gonna happen.

Wife: I’m sure two people thought the same thing last year. Now their families eat of a dumpster behind Long John Silver’s. They live in constant fear of knife-wielding hobos!

[ SUPER: “Hobos aren’t carefree and loveable” ]

Husband: That’s terrible..

Wife: Yeah. It is. And, at night, while the kids are sleeping under a freeway bridge, I’ll be forced to hang out in a Waffle House parking lot and have sex with truckers for money!

[ SUPER: “The average price for sex in a Waffle House parking lot is $10” ]

Husband: God..

Wife: You think I’m gonna be able to pay for the kids’ college doing that? Is that what you want for our family?

[ SUPER: “John Hancock Life Insurance” ]

Announcer: John Hancock Insurance. Frightening your family since 1862.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

Courtroom Bullhorn

Prosecution…..Chris Parnell
Mrs. Schultz…..Amy Poehler
Mr. Marshall…..Eric McCormack
Judge…..Will Forte
Bailiff…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Courthouse ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz.. on the night of July 6th, 2001, you witnessed the brutal murders of Adrienne Morgan, Brad Klein and Tanya Reuben. Tell us, in your own words, what you saw.

Mrs. Schultz: [ uneasy ] Well, I saw that man.. and he..

[ Mr. Marshall holds up a bullhorn and lets out an extended siren ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. I’m going to have to ask you to refrain fom using your bullhorn. Alright? This is a courtroom. Not a football arena. Prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Thank you, Your Honor. Once again, Mrs. Schultz, please tell us in your own words what you saw.

Mrs. Schultz: Yes, um.. [ points to Mr. Marshall ] I saw that man..

[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. What did I just ask you, less than thirty seconds ago? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I asked you to refrain from using your bullhorn. Alright? Now, I appreciate the fact that that one was a little bit shorter. Alright? But my patience is running thin here. Okay? And one more time, and I may have to send the bailiff over there to confiscate that horn. I don’t want to have to do that. Alright, prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz? Again. What did you see the night of July 6th, 2001?

Mrs. Schultz: I saw that man, and-

[ Mr. Marshall emits a quick siren blast from his bullhorn ]

Mrs. Schultz: ..he.. he..

Judge: [ bangs gavel ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits two quick siren blasts ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits three quick siren blasts ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel three times ]

[ the siren blasts and gavel bangs compete fiercely enough to sound like aggressive Morse Code signals ]

[ extended silence after the Judge bangs his gavel ]

[ Mr. Marshall continues his siren blasts, as the Judge quickly follows suit by banging his gavel ]

[ silence again, until Mr. Marshall emits an extended siren blast over the Judge’s repeating gavel banging ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Mr. Marshall. I don’t even know how to describe that last one. It was both long and short at the same time. Alright. But, look.. I’m gonna give you one last chance. Or, do you know what I’ll do? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I’ll confiscate that bullhorn. Alright, prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: July 6th, 2001, what did you see?

Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-

[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren, over repeated gavel bangs from the Judge ]

Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Back to the long one, huh? Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall’s bullhorn.

[ Bailiff confiscates the bullhorn ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, nobody comes into this courtroom, and dispalys that kind of disrespect. Alright? Nobody. [ whispers ] Nobody. Alright. Prosecution may proceed.

Prosecution: Thank you. [ quickly ] 7/6/01, what happened?

Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-

[ Mr. Marshall whips out a second bullhorn, and blares the notes from “London Bridge” ]

Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ] Mr. Marshaaall. You have a second bullhorn, don’t you? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] Alright. I, uh, must inform you that the same rules that I instituted for that first bullhorn are in full effect for this bullhorn as well. Alright?

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: They’re in full effect for-

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: They are in full–

[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]

Judge: Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall’s other bullhorn.

[ Bailiff confiscates the second bullhorn ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, I hope you miss this one ver-y much. I hope the loss of this bullhorn stings to the ver-y core of your soul. [ Mr. Marshall hangs his head ] Alright. Now, the prosecution may finally–

[ Mr. Marshall whips out a third bullhorn, and blares a tune ]

Judge: Oh, brother! Three bullhorns?! [ Mr. Marshall shrugs ] Now, Mr. Marshall, you’ve displayed an amazingly cavalier attitude toward the justice system here today. [ a beat ] But I like the cut of your jib! That’s right. And, for that reason, I hereby fine you innocent!

Prosecution: [ outraged ] What?!

Judge: And this case.. is dism-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

Judge: This case is di-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

Judge: Mr. Marshall, I’m trying to help you-

[ Mr. Marshall blares a tune ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts