Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Donahue

Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Moore…..Jeff Richards
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan
Barbra Streisand…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on “Donahue” show on MSNBC ]

[ dissolve to Phil Donahue in his studio, with SUPER: “Is Liberalism Dead?” ]

Phil Donahue: Good evening. Well, the midterm elections have come and gone! And, let’s be honest here – it was a huge win for Republicans. The economy may be in shambles, but our president had the answer: “Let’s invade Iraq!” And, ohhhh booooyy, did we bite! No debate! no dissent! It was “Rally ’round the flag, boys, in my country, right or wrong, and I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy, and mom and dad and apple pie, and Tippecanoe and Tyler, too, and we’re the toughest kid on the block, and I see London, I see France, and milk, milk, lemonade, the other side’s where fudge comes out!” And, meanwhile.. our seniors are eating paper towels.. because they can’t afford prescription drugs! More kids were shot in our schools last year than all the schools in Spain, and tonight 4% of of our fellow Americans.. are.. in.. prison. Michael Moore is with us!

Michael Moore: Hi, Phil.

Phil Donahue: He’s a best-selling author, political activist and filmmaker, whose most recent work is “Bowling For Columbine”. Michael, you saw the election results. Americans are moving to the right! And they want us liberals to just shut up and stop spoiling all the fun!

Michael Moore: I don’t know about that..

Phil Donahue: I mean, we are the ants of the picnic. We are the rain on the parade. We are the you-know-what in the punchbowl.

Michael Moore: Not true!

Phil Donahue: Ohhh, let’s face it – we’re one huge bummer! Phil Donahue, that peace intellectualist.

Michael Moore: Nobody things that!

Phil Donahue: And Michael Moore, the scruffy, unwashed, sweatyy, overweight rabble-rouser. I mean, people just don’t like us much.

Michael Moore: I don’t know.. I think people like me.. and.. and, for the record, I.. I do bathe..

Phil Donahue: Of course, you do! Of course, you do! How often?

Michael Moore: Uh.. it varies, uh.. about every ten days or so.. But, this election..

Phil Donahue: Its just a shower? Or a bath? Or..?

Michael Moore: A Mexican shower.

Phil Donahue: And, for our viewers, a Mexian shower is?

Michael Moore: Uh.. I stand over the sink and wash my face and armpits, uh.. But, about last week’s election – you had..

Phil Donahue: And after your Mexican shower, do you put on clean clothes, or the dirty clothes you had on.

Michael Moore: The clothes I had on.

Phil Donahue: Uh-huh. And do you ever wash your clothes?

Michael Moore: Well, uh.. every year or so, I go up another size and I get new clothes, so I.. I never really have to.

Phil Donahue: I see.

Michael Moore: But, Phil, I don’t think the American people care about our hygiene. They came to hear our ideas..

Phil Donahue: Alright, then, let me show you a very disturbing statistic. These are the three lowest rated shows on prime-time cable. Do we have that? [ graphic of ratings appears ] And, sadly, here we are, this show, the second lowest rated, with slightly more viewers than “Eye Surgery with Dr. Elliot Ladell”, but still less than “The Black Israelites”.

Michael Moore: Wow..

Phil Donahue: And, for our viewers, I should point out that this show is actually less than the margin of error in the ratings system itself!

Michael Moore: Thank God.

Phil Donahue: In other words, there is no real evidence that anyone watches this show! Not enough one person! And that tells me that Americans have heard the progressive message, and they’re.. just.. not.. buying. Rev. Sharpton, are you there!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Hello, Phil.

Phil Donahue: I’m sure our audience needs no introduction to the Rev. Al Sharpton. Reverend, you’ve seen the ratings, and I’m sure you’ll agree that this show has essentially no audience! What do you make of that?

Rev. Al Sharpton: People don’t like you!

Phil Donahue: Alright, Reverend, I want to continue with that, right after this word from the people who pay the bills! We’ll be back.

[ show graphic: “Advertise Your Product Here: 212-555-0189” ]

[ dissolve back to “Donahue” ]

Phil Donahue: I am more than a little proud.. to say we have been joined, from her home in Malibu, by my good friend, the beautiful and ageless Barbra Streisand.

[ show a blurry Barbra Streisand via satellite ]

Barbra Streisand: Hi, Phil.

Phil Donahue: Our viewers will be interested to know it was from Ms. Streisand’s web site that we first learned 40% of our fellow Americans are in prison, and.. I thank you.

Barbra Streisand: Actually, Phil, I’m told those numbers are inaccurate, sowe’re.. we’re fixing that.

Phil Donahue: You know, when I first saw 40%, it did seem high. That would be about 120 million people, and I doubt there’s that many Americans in prison by now.

Barbra Streisand: I said we’re correcting it, what do you want from me!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, actually, Phil, if anything, those numbers are too low.

Barbra Streisand: Well, if you’re sure, Al, I’ll just leave it as is.

Phil Donahue: In the meantime, Barbra, how do you interpret the ratings for this show?

Barbra Streisand: [ quickly ] People don’t enjoy watching you.

Phil Donahue: Uh-huh?

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. uh.. Phil, could I say something?

Phil Donahue: Rev. Sharpton, hang on! I promise, we’re gonna get back to you! right after this!

[ dissolve to promo showing Donahue running through a practically-empty studio filled only with a couple of derelicts ]

Announcer: Monday on “Donahue”: Phil goes on the road to Kansas City for a town meeting you don’t want to miss. Kids, guns, and cugarettes. “Donahue”. This Monday.[ dissolve back to “Donahue” ]

Phil Donahue: Rev. Sharpton, you had a point. Quickly, we’re almost out of time!

Uh.. people don’t like you!

Phil Donahue: Anything else?

Rev. Al Sharpton: No. That’s it.

Phil Donahue: Final comments? Anyone?

[ none ]

Phil Donahue: Alllllright. As always, a spirited discussion. Thnks to our guests. Keep watching. “Hardball” is next!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

The Royal Scandal

C-Span Voiceover…..Jim Downey
Paul Burrell…..Seth Meyers
Maria Burrell…..Rachel Dratch

[ SUPER: “Coming up: Scandal continues to rock the British Royal Family” ]

C-Span Voiceover: Moments from now, Mr. Paul Burrell, Princess Diana’s former butler, will appraoching the podium in front of us. He’ll be reading a statement addressing his trial and.. the more recent allegations of his homosexual affair with an Australian antiques dealer. Here he is now. Mr. Burrell is approaching the podium, and, at his side, is.. his “wife” Maria.

[ Paul Burrell stands in front of his podium looking rather foppish, his stone-faced ife Maria standing quietly beside him ]

Paul Burrell: Before all of this, we were a happy, normal family, just getting on with our lives. We’ve been to Hell and back, and no one, to this day, has said, “I’m sorry.” I would like to thank my wife Maria, for her restraint and dignity throughout this whole charade. Her ability to support me has been positively mascu-lean. Excuse me.

C-Span Voiceover: Burrell is wearing a dark Savile row suit.

Paul Burrell: I’ve been particularly appalled by the way the media has tried to tarnish my reputation with rumors of homosexual affairs. Excuse me. [ pauses to take a sip of water ]

C-Span Voiceover: In his lapel, he wears a red orchid.

Paul Burrell: What Greg Peed and I had was the same, normal heterosexual relationship that you would expect any butler and antiques dealer to have.

C-Span Voiceover: His tie is orange, with pink teal and yellow stripes trimmed in Ocher. Hmm..

Paul Burrell: I feel that this whole escapade might draw attention away from the Diana I remember: elegant, graceful, sensational.

C-Span Voiceover: Burrell’s “wife”, Maria, is wearing a pinstripe suit, kind of like what a dude would wear.

Paul Burrell: I, myself, will never forget where I was that fateful night. I was at a dance club – Crystal Waters was booming – when all came to a sudden halt! Through the sound system we heard Twilanda saying, “Girls, she’s gone.. the princess is gone, y’all..” [ fights to suppress a tear ]

Maria Burrell: [ snapping ] Come on, Paul! For Heaven’s sake! Pull yourself together!

Paul Burrell: The disco bal kept turning that night,.. but the world, for me, came to a stop!

C-Span Voiceover: Among Burrell’s many responsibilities, one was to pick out sizzling, dynamite, entrance-making gowns for the princess. Pretty gay, right?

Paul Burrell: So, in conclusion, I look forward to the day I can return to a normal life, with my lovely wife.

C-Span Voiceover: Sure, you do.

Paul Burrell: Thank you for your time.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Song III

…The Driedels
…Adam SandIer
…Rob Schneider

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, The Driedels.

The Driedels: “Blow your harmonica, it’s time for Hanukkah,
once again it’s Hanukkah, the miracle of Hanukkah…”

Adam Sandler: Thank you. It’s incredible to be back here. Let’s go.

“Hanukkah is
the festival of lights;
One day of presents?
Hell no, we get the eight crazy nights!
But if you still feel like the only kid in town
without a Christmas tree,
I guess my first two songs didn’t do it for you,
so here comes number three!

Ross and Phoebe from “Friends”
say the Hanukkah blessing,
So does Lenny’s pal Squiggy
and “Will and Grace”‘s Debra Messing!
Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mixed meat with dairy,
Maybe they should have called that show
“Little Kosher House on the Prairie”!
We got Jerry Lewis,
Ben Stiller, and Jack Black,
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism,
but you guys can have him back!
(Just kidding.)

We may not get to kiss
underneath the mistletoe,
But we can do it all night long
with Deuce Bigalow!

Rob Schneider: I’m Jewish!

Adam Sandler: “Put on your yarmulke, here comes Hanukkah…

Rob Schneider: “The guy in Willie Nelson’s band who plays harmonica celebrates Hanukkah!

Adam Sandler: Tiny Elvis, ladies and gentlemen! Tiny El Skris! Schneider, I did not know you were Jewish.

Rob Schneider: I’m a Filipino Jew. In fact, I have to go home and light the first pig.

Adam Sandler: Get going.

“Osama bin Laden…

The Driedels: BOO!

Adam Sandler: “Not a big fan of the Jews!
Well maybe that’s because he lost the figure skating match
to gold medalist Sarah Hughes!
(Her mama’s Jewish.)
Houdini and David Blaine escape straightjackets
with such precision,
but one thing they could not get out of…
Their painful circumcision!
Gwyneth Paltrow’s half-Jewish,
But a full-time Oscar winner,
Jennifer Connelly’s half-Jewish too,
And I’d like to put more in her!
There’s Lou Reed, Perry Farrell,
Beck, and Paula Abdul,
Joey Ramone invented punk rock music,
but first came Hebrew school!
Hey!

Gotta live for Hanukkah
It’s time to celebrate Hanukkah,
I hope I get an Ab-tronica
On this joyful, joyful Hanukkah,
So get a high Colonica
And soil your long johnnakahs
If you really, really wannakah,
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy,
happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah!”

Happy holidays, everybody! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 16th, 2002

Brittany Murphy

Nelly

None

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

Kelly Rowland

Garrett Morris
Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Song IIISummary: Adam Sandler performs his third incarnation of the popular “Chanukah Song”, with help from the Dreidels and Rob Schneider.

Note: In the dress rehearsal version, which has been edited into repeats, Rob Schneider dons a blonde wig and remains on stage for the entire song.

Transcript

Montage

Brittany Murphy’s MonologueSummary: Brittany Murphy espouses SNL trivia unto the audience: the West Coast cast members and the East Coast cast members have a long-standing rivalry, which they finally settle via an “8 Mile”-style rap-off.

Transcript

“Welcome Back, Potter”Summary: In a new sitcom debuting this Fall, a grown-up Harry Potter (Will Forte) will come back to teach at the now-downtrodden Hogwart’s Castle.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.

Transcript

The Leather ManSummary: The Leather Man (Jimmy Fallon) talks an attractive customer (Brittany Murphy) into a pair of leather snakeskin pants, while Choo-Choo (Horatio Sanz) is the unfortunate victim of a snake bite.

Recurring Characters: Leather Man, Choo-Choo.

Transcript

DonahueSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) is distraught that no one is watching his show, even as the likes of Michael Moore (Jeff Richards) and Barbra Streisand (Maya Rudolph) offer explanations.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue, Michael Moore, Rev. Al Sharpton, Barbra Streisand.

Note: In a promo for his next show, Donahue walks amongst nearly-empty audience seats in Studio 6-H, where “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” is filmed.

Transcript

Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) gab with an overpsyched co-ed (Brittany Murphy) who wants to protest the killing of turkeys at Thanksgiving.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.

Transcript

Burrell’s StatementSummary: Princess Di’s butler, Paul Burrell (Seth Meyers), can’t hide his gay tendancies.

Transcript

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott JoplinSummary: Scott Joplin (Maya Rudolph) hassles Anna Kournikova (Brittany Murphy).

Recurring Characters: Scott Joplin.

Transcript

Nelly & Kelly Rowland perform “Dilemma”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) can’t stay focused on her drinking study commentary. Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) and David Gest (Chris Kattan) comment on the cancellation of their reality show.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl, Liza Minelli, David Gest.

Transcript

Astronaut JonesSummary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan), Garrett Morris and Nelly enjoy goggling a buxom space creature (Brittany Murphy).

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Religetables”, which brings spirituality into the Vegi-Tales world.

Transcript

My Big Thick NovelSummary: Jack Handey recalls slipping out of arm’s length while square dancing.

Transcript

Nelly performs “Hot In Herre”

The Girl With No GaydarSummary: Nicole (Rachel Dratch) fails to realize that a lesbian sculptist (Brittany Murphy) is hitting on her.

Recurring Characters: Nicole.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5


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02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, how you doing! I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s stories!

This week, for the first time in fifty years, Republicans have taken control of the House, the Senate, and the Presidency, leaving the Democratic Party in shambles. It’s the end of the Clinton-Gore era, people – Elvis really has left the building!

Much of the Republicans’ success is due to President Bush, who made campaign appearances in fifteen states in five days. This is the hardest Bush has worked since that time he tried to walk home from Mardi Gras.

Elizabeth Dole claimed victory on Election Day, with a big win in the North Carolina Senate race, beating Democrat Erskine Bowles. Bowles said he will now focus on his other lifetime goal, finding a tiny bike license plate that says “Erskine”.

Former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris was elected to the House of Representatives Tuesday. Voters said they chose Katherine Harris because, [ hick accent ] “I dun seen her on my TV box before, I’m gonna vote for her!”

Jeb Bush’s victory in Florida avoided a potential embarrassment for his brother George and the G.O.P., which spent upwards of $30 million on his campaign, most of which appears to have gone towards snacks.

A rare bright spot for Democrats was the victory of 78-year old former Sen. Frank Loutenburg, who stepped in at the last minute for Robert Torcelli, and will now return to the Senate, most likely in a Jazzy.

A new pediatric report says that gastric bypass surgery for obesity, once viewed as suitable only for adults, is emerging as an option for children. Fat, lazy children.

It was announced this week that Red Lobster will open a restaurant in Times Square next year. Finally, just like the old days, you’ll be able to go down to Times Square and get crabs.

In a stirring victory for the U.S. legal system in Los Angeles this week, prosecutors finally convicted this country’s most dangerous criminal. [ show Winona Ryder ] We can all sleep soundly tonight, my fellow Americans. We can all sleep soundly tonight.

Singer Bobby Brown was arrested early Thursday in Atlanta, and charged with possession of marijuana, speeding, no proof of insurance, and no driver’s license. He’s still got it!

At a James Bond trivia contest, held in Times Square last weekend, “Sopranos” star Jamie Lynn Sigler beat out Robert Wuhl to win a watch from Pierce Brosnan. Spectators at the event said, “What the hell are we doing here?”

This week, the spacecraft Galileo ended its thirteen-year mission, and NASA has decided to crash the unmanned ship into Jupiter for disposal. In the best-case scenario, Galileo will harmlessly blow up while entering Jupiter’s atmosphere. The worst-case scenario? Jupiter will launch a war of terror against Earth.

[ cut to Tina Fey standing in front of a sonar device ]

Tina Fey: Scientists at the Georgia Institute of Technology have developed a security system that uses sonar to identify people by the way they walk. Weekend Update has obtained the device, and we are going to test it out right now. Jimmy, are you ready?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah, I’m ready. Uh.. okay, we’re gonna go see if this device can identify people by the way they walk. Here we go.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine in a jive motion ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “George Jefferson” ]

Tina Fey: Yep! George Jefferson! That’s right! Try another one.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay.

[ Jimmy does a spin as he crosses the machine ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Michael Stipe” ]

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s right! Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, uh.. let’s see if they can get this one.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine in a haggard fashion ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Nick Nolte” ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Anna Nicole Smith” ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Ozzy Osbourne” ]

Tina Fey: Nick Nolte, yeah.. it’s a little confused on that one, it’s still very good, though. Try one more.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I’m gonna try this one..

[ Jimmy walks across the machine waving his arms wildly ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Tina Fey” ]

Tina Fey: What?! I don’t walk like that! This thing’s broken. I’m going back to the desk.

[ Tina walks across the machine waving her arms wildly ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Tina Fey” ]

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think it seems to be working. It seems fine to me. This is crazy.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine normally ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Stupid A**hole” ]

[ cut to Tina back at the news desk ]

Tina Fey: The cover of People magazine this week features a picture of Al Roker in a picture of his old pants, demonstrating how he lost 100 pounds. I know what Al is going through. In the last year, I’ve gained 400 pounds. [ holds up a tiny pair of pants ]

The first season of “Felicity” is out on DVD this week. Fans who waited online for over 24 hours to buy the DVD didn’t really have to, because there were no lines.

An advertising company in London is using dogs to carry around ads. This makes London the only place in the world where you can see a McDonald’s ad sniffing a Wendy’s ad’s balls.

This week, NBC bought the Bravo Network, which may start airing reruns of their shows on the cable network. Hopefully, that will include this program, because you just don’t see enough “SNL” reruns on cable, do you?

Tina Fey: And now, joining us is our very own Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Tina. Well, it’s a special night for me – it’s my ten-year high school reunion tonight. Obviously, I can’t go, and I’m pretty disappointed because I’m on TV now, I have this awesome job, and, to be honest, I wasn’t that cool in high school.

Tina Fey: Wow. I find that really easy to believe.

Seth Meyers: Well, thank you, Tina.. but it’s true. Anyway, since I can’t go, I thought it would be nice if I had the chance to have my half of the conversations I would have had if I had been there. So.. here goes.

[ dance lights appear behind Seth, as “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” plays in the background ]

Hey, what’s going on, Nelson! Good to see you, man! Alright, looking good! Hey, anybody know if Megan LaRocca’s coming? You know her – super hot, used to ignore me? Alright, cool. Yeah, yeah, no thanks, man, I’m not drinking tonight! Hey! Hey, man, how’s it going! Am I still gay? I never was gay. Everybody? Who’s everybody? Two Amstel Lites, please.

[ “I Like Big Butts” plays in the background ]

Hiiii! Well, if it isn’t glory boy quarterback Doug Stradley! Good to see you, man. Yeah, I guess I’m doing okay – I’m on TV now! [ twists his arm behind his back ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Come on! Ow! [ knocks his hand into his head ] I’m not hitting myself! You’re making me hit myself! I’m not gonna say that! Because I’m twenty-eight years- I’m a girl! I’m a girl! Gimme a shot of Jaeger. Hey, is Megan LaRocca coming or not?! What can I say, man? SNL’s a crazy life. I mean, it’s really long hours, and there’s so much pressure.. What do you do? Brain surgeon? Right. So you know what I’m talking about.. I’ll take a bottle of Chiviz with a straw!

[ “Unbelievable” plays in the background ]

Whooooo!! I love this song! Whoo! Yeah, huh? Yeah, huh? Yeah, Tina Fey’s amazing! We hang out all the time!

[ Tina Fey leans into frame to wave her hands to deny Seth’s statement ]

Seth Meyers: Whoo! Alright, whoo! Go Blue Knights! Alright, whoo! Hey, has anyone seen Megan LaRocca?! I am trying to hook up with Megan LaRocca because I’m on TV! Hey! Get off me, dude!

[ soft song begins to play ]

Dad..? I need you to come pick me up..? No, the football team has my shoes.. and I have a little bit of throw-up on me! Yeah.. I know “MadTV” is on.. I don’t know, tape it! You signed a SAC contract with me! Honor it! Honor the contract! Megan LaRocca? I never stopped thinking about you! Wow.. you’re as big as a house.. I’m on TV.. and, yes.. I would love to do it with you..

Happy ten-year West High!

Tina Fey: Seth Meyers, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

La Femme Day Spa

Sonia…..Nia Vardalos
Patron…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, La Femme Day Spa ]

[ dissolve to interior, spa room, where Sonia awaits as her Patron enters ]

Patron: Hi, uh.. I have an eleven o’clock appointment with Sonia?

Sonia: [ chipper ] Hell-oooo! I am Sonia! What you have waxed?

Patron: Oh.. uh.. just bikini.

Sonia: Okay, baby. Take off pants, hops on the table.

[ Patron removes her pants and climbs on the table, private parts hidden by a row of shampoo bottles on the table in front ]

Sonia: Ohhhh.. this is your first time waxing?

Patron: Uh.. no. No, it’s not.

Sonia: [ looking ] Hmm.. hmm.. You wait too long in between.

Patron: Oh.. I-I-I was here a week ago.

Sonia: Nooooooo! Who did you?

Patron: Uh.. I had the other girl, um.. Magda?

Sonia: No no no no. You don’t go to Magda, she is no good. You come to me! How many fingers you want?

Patron: What?

Sonia: How wide the landing strip? you want Brazilian?

Patron: No.. no, no.. um.. just American is fine.

Sonia: Okay, please. You put your leg here.. and other leg here. [ positions Patron as needed, begins to apply the wax ] Okay.. okay..

[ Sonia pulls the strips, as Patron repeatedly “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s to the varying degrees of pain from having her hairs yanked by the strips ]

Sonia: So stubborn! Oh, move leg. No, like this. [ spreads Patron’s legs apart ] Oh! you have children?

Patron: Uh.. no.. why?

Sonia: [ a beat, as she holds the spread legs in place ] Never mind.

[ Sonia pulls more strips, as Patron continue to scream out her “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s ]

Sonia: Okay, this part gonna hurt a little bit.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, I go a little more in.

Patron: Oh, no, no, no! That’s plenty! That’s plenty!

Sonia: Aww, for your husband. For your husband!

Patron: Uh.. I don’t have a husband.

Sonia: [ a beat ] I make room for one.

Patron: You don’t have to go too far in.. it’s-it’s not even bathing suit weather, or anything..

Sonia: Please, honey. If you go to a house, and the grass is very high, and the weeds growing everywhere, you say, “Ahhhh, that is a crazy person’s house!” And you run away! I don’t want you to have a crazy house!

Patron: Okay..

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, finished.

Patron: Oh, thank God!

Sonia: Turn over.

Patron: What?

Sonia: I’m going to do the back.

Patron: Uh, no, no.. maybe, let’s just skip the back.

Sonia: What? What are you going to do, you got a bunny rabbit tail thing back there. A little furry rabbit tail. Come on, turn over.

Patron: Oh, brother.. [ turns over ]

Sonia: Okay.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: It’s like I can’t even make a dent! [ pulls a strip ] You are Hungarian?

Patron: No.

Sonia: Russian?

Patron: No. I’m half-English, half-Irish.

Sonia: No, no, no.. you ask your mother, she will tell you you are adopted! [ pulls a strip ] No English lady is this hairy.

Patron: Are we done yet?

Sonia: You pay double, okay?

Patron: Really? Is it that bad?

Sonia: Honey, you got Robin Williams’ forearms in your panties.

Patron: Don’t say that!

Sonia: Don’t be embarrassed.

Patron: But..

Sonia: I fix for you, but it’s going to take a long time, okay, Sasquatch?

[ Sonia continues pulling strips, as Patron continues to cream in agony ]

[ dissolve to exterior, the strips and screams continue ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Pier 1 Imports

Kirstie Alley…..Nia Vardalos
Businesswoman…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on Businesswoman sitting at her desk stressing out over a laptop computer ]

[ cut to two-square screen: Kirstie Alley pops up in the first square to slam-close laptop computer; Businesswoman looking surprised and worried in the second square ]

Kirstie Alley: You look stressed, Sister Moon! You need.. shopping therapy. [ bangs chimes ]

[ Show card: “Pier 1 Imports” ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1!

[ Kirstie grabs Businesswoman by the hair, and drags her forcefully to Pier 1 ]

Kirstie Alley: I feel a vibe already!

Businesswoman: Oh! Watch it!

Kirstie Alley: Huh! [ grabs candle, thrusts it at Businesswoman’s face ] Here, smell this candle – smell it!!

[ Businesswoman reluctantly smells the candle, as Kirstie Alley continues to run amok ]

Businesswoman: [ on cellphone ] Hello, police? I’ve been kidnapped by the girl from “Cheers”. No. The second one. I’m at the Crabtree Valley Mall. You’ve got-

[ Kirstie Alley sneaks up behind Businesswoman ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Kirstie Alley is no longer an employee of Pier 1 International.

[ Kirstie tugs forcefully at Businesswoman ]

Businesswoman: Let me go! Please! I’m gonna scream!

[ Kirstie covers Businesswoman’s mouth, muffling her screams of terror ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] If Kirstie Alley approaches you on foot or in a vehicle, and offers to take you to a Pier 1 store, do not go with her.

[ Kirstie holds businesswoman down ]

Kirstie Alley: Re-lax.. it’s like we’re in a meadow – but we’re no-ot!

Voiceover: [ over card ] If you are confronted by Kirstie Alley, speak in quiet tones, and do not look directly into her eyes.

[ Clerk stares dumbfoundedly at Kirstie’s behavior ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1! [ turns around, shoves Clerk into a shelf, knocking him and the shelf to the floor ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Only you can protect yourself from Kirstie Alley.

[ Kirstie wears a soothing face mask, and tosses plastic flowers around the store ]

Kirstie Alley: I’m in a meadow! I really am!

Voiceover: Paid for by Pier 1 International, and the Kirstie Alley Prevention Task Force.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Dropping The L.B.’s With Missy E

Missy Elliot…..Tracy Morgan
Female Testimonial #1…..Nia Vardalos
Male Testimonial #1…..Jeff Richards
Female Testimonial #2…..Rachel Dratch
Dr. Simone…..Eve

[ show people trying to fit into old, small clothes ]

Announcer: Having a hard time fitting into your high school prom dress?

Need to squeeze into your college marhing band pants just oner more time?

[ show Missy Elliot workout video ]

Then you need the hottest new exercise video on the market – Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E, starring.. Missy Elliot.

[ dissolve to Missy Elliot in workout clothes standing at gym set ]

Missy Elliot: A hee hee hee hee yow! Hee hee hee hee yow! Are you thick, thick, thick? And want to slim down to just thick? Lord knows I would! I was tired of taking off my thongs and watching my ass go tonka-tonk-tonk! So, me, Missy E, and Timberland produced these exercise videos to help y’all drop the L.B.’s!

Announcer: Combining her off-the-hook dance moves and physically impossible computer-generated stretches, Missy helps you burn the fat and trim yo’ width.

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“The weight fluctuates like a roller coaster!
Stick with me, Missy E, and I’ll tell ya ta-ta!
Ta ta ta ta ta-ta ta-ta!”

Listen to my home girl!

[ dissolve to Female Testimonial #1 ]

Female Testimonial #1: I.. love.. this exercise video. It is so challenging. Now, I still can’t do the part where her neck stretche out like chewing gum, and hoopty-hoops through her legs several times.. but just kind of bopping my head makes my heart rate skyrocket, and I have lost two pounds of neck fat! Thanks, Missy Elliot!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“Want to look like Halle Berry in a nice poster?
Just start losing weight with me, tomorrow!
Blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah!
Learn to sweat, need a glass of wa-ter!”

[ dissolve to Male Testimonial #1 ]

Male Testimonial: I love Missy’s workout, and it requires no fancy equipment, no expensive gym membership – just the natural ability to get your freak on! Which.. I.. do not have.. But I lost twenty pounds trying! Missy E, your workout is ov-ahhhh!!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“You can drop the pounds!
Stop, don’t make a sound!
Stomach muscle bound!
Pretty firm around!
La-a-a-adies!”

[ dissolve to Female Testimonial #2 ]

Female Testimonial #2: I lost over fourteen pounds. I felt so good about myself, I went out and.. got my nails done! Got a pedicure! Got my her-did! I highly recommend this exercise video. Hollar back, y’all!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: Take it from me, Missy E – I reached my goal! so can you! Just listen to what my doctor has to say!

Dr. Simone: Hi, I’m Dr. Simone. It has been clinically has proven that, if you lose weight, more people will want to have sex with you. So get in bed, with your old man, and go have fun, baby!

Missy Elliot: Go have fun, baby!

“Do your exercise, watch your portion!
Fly a spaceship, just like a martian!”

[ show Missy Elliot workout video ]

Announcer: Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E. $29.95 for the videotape..

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: C.O.D. for extra four dollaaaaaars!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Ferey Mühtar Talk Show

Ferey Mühtar….Horatio Sanz
Tarik Ozekial….Darrell Hammond
Jacaleechy Alaal….Nia Vardalos
Yebet Farak….Chris Kattan
Drummer….Fred Armisen

[Opens with the Turkish State TV logo]

Announcer: You are watching channel 114, Turkish State supported Television.

[Montage of Ferey smoking all happy on the streets of Turkey. He wears his uni-brow, gold chains and crappy polyester suit]

Tarik Ozekial: Its the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Tonight Ferey’s guest from the hit TV show “Sexy Lifeguard Ladies”, actress Jacaleechy Alaal! Also everybody’s favorite comedy segment, “Funny newspaper mistakes”. And now here he is! The man who takes a licking and keeps on trucking! Ferey Mühtar!

[Ferey comes out super excited smoking his cigarette, wearing his gold chains and crappy polyester suit]

Ferey Mühtar: Good to see you! How is everybody is doing tonight?! All right, all right. Good halamayaya to you all!!! Thank you. Oh, let’s see what’s in the news, man.

Tarik Ozekial: Ok!

Ferey Mühtar: Oh boy! Of course the big news, election! The big election is Recep Tayyip Erdogan is the new prime minister. You hear about this?

Tarik Ozekial: I hear about it.

Ferey Mühtar: Oh my God! He win with 34 % of the vote. Which is a landslide! 34% is a landslide. This country has more parties than P. Diddy!

[rim shot]

[A guy in a guitar and a drummer looking depressed as hell, cigarettes dangling from their mustached lips]

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, thank you, Yeveth! Yebet Farak and the Ferey Mühtar band everybody!

[paralyzed look on the band’s faces]

Ferey Mühtar: Give it up! All right! [kisses his ring, pumps fist] Yallah!!! Ok, say hello to my main man! Pound for pound the classiest man in show business, Mr. Tarik Ozekial! [Tarik sits in his crappy white suit, big mustache, Ferey sits] Oh man! Hot show bro! Hot show!

Tarik Ozekial: Hot show! Big show!

Ferey Mühtar: Tarik! How’s it going, my bro-bro?!

Tarik Ozekial: Aw, yeah.

Ferey Mühtar: Nice suit.

Tarik Ozekial: What?

Ferey Mühtar: I didn’t know AP had a men’s department! [rim shot] [Ferey ululating and laughing hard, Tarik is hurt] Holy moly, Tarik! I’m kidding! But seriously my bro! Was that suit a prize in a box of Frosted Halakashans?! Yayayayayah!!! Holy moly!

Tarik Ozekial: Well, your mother gets boned by goats.

Ferey Mühtar:[surprised] What the hell, man?! Its called banter bro! Banter! Geez louise! I just finished calling you the classiest man in show business.

Tarik Ozekial: I’m sorry, Ferey. Things are weird at home, you know.

Ferey Mühtar: Ok. well, lets forget about it. Lets just bring out our first guest. She is the hottest actress in Turkey. Please welcome, the lovely, the beautiful Jacaleechy Alaal!

[Jacaleechy comes out in a black leather suit smoking with toasted blond hair,uni-brow, Tarik checks her out]

Jacaleechy Alaal: Hello Ferey! [kisses him]

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, so beautiful, so sexy!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Oh, hi Ferey! Thank you for having me! [weird look at Tarik, sits]

Ferey Mühtar: Welcome to the show! Oh, you are superfine tonight Jacaleechy! You are stone cold fox!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Thank you. [earring falls down her shirt] Ooops! Oh! [gets the earring] Better.

Ferey Mühtar: Better, much better. Ok, so now you’re on this show “Sexy Lifeguards Ladies”. Uh, you’re so happening. The show is great!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Yeah, its great for what is happening for me right now. I got the show, doing great. I got 6 movies coming out in May. I got–I just recorded my first CD. [Jacaleechy picks out her nose disgustingly] Going to drop like June 6. [wipes the bugger on the chair, Tarik observes] I designed a set of steak knives for K-Mart. The calendar is to the max. Its great.

Tarik Ozekial: [horny look] You are sooo beautiful.

Ferey Mühtar: [avoiding Tarik’s horniness] We have a sneak preview of the calendar. Jacaleechy, oh my God! You are unbelievable in this thing! Show them the calendar Tarik! Oh, take a gander at this, mo-fos!

[Jacaleechy poses for her 2003 calendar in front of an industrial building in a tank top, hairy armpits, holding a beach ball, sultry look on her face]

Ferey Mühtar: Holy cow, man! You are one red hot fox in that thing, baby!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Thanks! We shot all of this over at the oil refinery in Bakul. I know, tough life, right?! My favorite is October.

Tarik Ozekial: [crazy horny] Oh, yeah. That is the best one.

Ferey Mühtar: Ok, man. Be cool, bro. Take it down–take–its ok. Just open it up and show them October.

Tarik Ozekial: [embarrased] I cannot show them October. I used it.

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, oh my God! Ok, well lets move on. You know, this is a funny story. The other day I was at Krasko Street. Oh man, this is a hot club! Oh my god man! You got 3 dance floors! Oh! You got steam tables full of eggs, my bro! Ooooh, its incredible! And I get sober and who do I see? The lovely, beautiful Jacaleechy Alaal!

Jacaleechy Alaal: I know! I saw you! That was so fun dancing with you, Ferey! We did “The Hustle” for like 3 hours!

Ferey Mühtar: Yeah baby!

Tarik Ozekial: Jacaleechy, I asked you to dance like 10 times! Oh, but you take me like I’m some kind of Armenian or something! Oh, boy! You and Ferey are doing the bump! I am by myself holding cards!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Get off my face! Ok, toilet case! I tell you something, you think I don’t notice everytime you drop your falash you try and look up my skirt?! You think–you are drunk–you think when I go to the restroom I don’t notice your shoes in the stall next to me?!

Tarik Ozekial: Ferey….ok, ok, ok….

Ferey Mühtar: Lets cool it down. Lets take it down a notch!

Tarik Ozekial: You have to believe me! I was sober as a khalil!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Oh!

Ferey Mühtar: Come on man! Come on!

Tarik Ozekial: I was sober!

Jacaleechy Alaal: You–like a khalil?!

Ferey Mühtar: Like a khalil? You think I’m some kind of space man bro?! Didn’t I see you buy an RC and I also see you pull out the goatskin full of raki?! And you put the raki with the RC, you made raki and RCs and you drink it? You think I don’t have eyes?!

Tarik Ozekial: Ferey, I swear to you on my mother’s grave! I have stopped the drinking! Never! I would never take the goatskin with me! Not never!

Ferey Mühtar: Cut the bull-jive, bro!!!!

Tarik Ozekial: Why are you yelling at me?

Ferey Mühtar: Bro-bro! You got the goatskin in your jacket right as we speak my man!!!

Tarik Ozekial: [takes out a goatskin pouch from the jacket, arms up] Ok, ok! [laughs]

Jacaleechy Alaal: You are so busted, you are so busted!

Tarik Ozekial: Totally busted! Totally!

Ferey Mühtar: Oh my God! You are so busted! You got to lay off the hard stuff Mr. Kotter! [Turkish music] Oh no! I can’t believe it that music! Oh! This is not good time dynamite! You can’t jive the bull-jive! I’ll have to stop he show. We are out of time. I want to thank my guest Jacaleechy Alaal.

Jacaleechy Alaal: My pleasure!

Ferey Mühtar: From Tarik Ozekial, this is Ferey Mühtar saying good night!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Good night.

[Turkish State Television logo]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Maitre’d…..Chris Kattan
Waiter…..Fred Armisen
Falconer’s Ex-Wife…..Nia Vardalos

Announcer V/O: [ over scrolling SUPER ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

The Falconer: Donald! We’re starving to death! This land that once filled us with life is now barren. One of us must search elsewhere, and only one of us can fly.

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: No, Donald! You! Oh, Donald.. even in these desperate times, you still retain that dry sense of humor. Now you must fly away from these woods and bring back something – a possom, a squirrel.. anything to keep us alive! So, be gone, my friend! Bring us life! Bring us liiiiiiiifffe!!

[ Falcon flies into the air in search of food and salvation; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ dissolve to Falcon swooping down at a table in an expensive restaurant, as Maitre’d steps forward ]

Maitre’d: [ happily ] Ahhh, Monsieur Falcon! It’s so good to see you! Your usual table!

[ dissolve to Waiter holding holding a classic bottle before the Falcon ]

Waiter: It’s an ’82 Rothschild. [ Falcon squawks ] Yes. It’s our finest Burgundy. [ pours glass of wine, as Falcon sniffs the cork ]

[ dissolve to Falcon eating a spoonful of extra-thick soup ]

[ dissolve to Falcon eating spaghetti sloppily ]

[ dissolve to Falcon being fittedwith a lobster bib, as he gnaws at a lobster claw ]

[ dissolve to Waiter presenting Falcon with Cherries Jubilee ]

Waiter: And, for dessert – Cherries Jubilee. [ lights the cherries on fire ]

Falcon: [ screeches in fear of the flames ]

Waiter: Sorry.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry..

[ dissolve to Falcon drinking a glass of wine ]

[ dissolve to Waiter and Falcon at completion of the meal ]

Waiter: A 100% tip? Thank you, Mr. Falcon. You’re too generous!

[ Falcon’s cell phone rings, he answers it ]

[ Falconer’s Wife is on the other line ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: I heard you were in town. Why don’t you come by and say hello?

Falcon: [ squawks and flies into the air ]

[ dissolve to exterior, apartment building ]

[ sounds of Falcon’s high-pitched squawking amid Falconer’s Ex-Wife’s heavy orgasms ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: Oh, yeah.. ohhh!!

[ SUPER: “The Next Morning” ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: Oh, yeah! That was amazing!

[ Falcon squawks, and flies into the air ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: So soon? Why don’t you ever stay for breakfast?! Damn you, Falcon!

[ Falcon flies into the air; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ Falcon spots a rat in the grass, and swoops down for it ]

[ dissolve to The Falconer, as Falcon swoops down and drops the dead rat in The Falconer’s hands ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! I knew I could count on you! We shall split this in half and eat as if t’were our feast, and we two mighty kings!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: What?! The whole thing for me?!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: Even the head? Oh, you are a true friend. Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: “The Falconer”!

SNL Transcripts