Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Liza Minnelli…..Maya Rudolph
David Gest…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

According to military analysts an invasion of Iraq by US forces could cost between 20 and 50 billion dollars. In order to offset those costs the Pentagon has announced that it will refer to the invasion as the Verizon Wireless Pizza Hut War on Iraq.

Michael Jackson was in court this week where he is allegedly being sued for cancelling two concerts. The plaintiff’s lawyers wanted Jackson to answer questions but the joke was on them because when Michael took off his surgical mask he revealed that he didn’t bring his mouth.

It was announced this Wednesday that the 2004 Democratic convention will be held in Boston. A Democratic spokesman said that he will appreciate it if no-one told Streisand (picture of Barbara Streisand appears).

Senate Majority Leader Tom Dashall criticized President Bush this Thursday for failing to capture Osama Bin Laden. Insiders say Dashall is just jealous because the Democrat’s finished behind Al Kyda in the Mid-term elections.

The Federal government have approved a Phillips Electronics Defibrillator, which is designed for use in the home. The Defibrillators can be purchased individually or in the convenient Dick Cheney 6-Pack.

Tina Fey: A new study reports that drinking 21 glasses of wine a week decreases your chance of getting Alysmus disease. Here with a comment is (reading card) ah…oh no, really? (back to normal) Ok, Drunk Girl.

Drunk Girl: Ah hahahahahahaa… Hi everybody.

Tina Fey: Hi.

Drunk Girl: (meanly) Hi Jimmy. I hate you. (getting more slurred as she goes on) I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I hate you! (talking normally) Hi Tina… skinny little bitch.

Jimmy Fallon: Drunk girl come on, come on, lets talk about the study which shows that drinking 21 glasses of–

Drunk Girl: Jimmy, you wanna know why, JIMMY? You wanna know what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannnow what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannowhachu are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannnnowachu are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: (joining all of it together in one muffled word) Doooyooowaannnnnnachurrrr?

Jimmy Fallon: No, no. I would say no.

Drunk Girl: You’re my boyfriend. Ah hahaha… shut up Tina!!

Tina Fey: Well I didn’t say anything!

Drunk Girl: Lets go Jimmy! This party is lame!

Tina Fey: Ok, please Drunk Girl talk about the study where drinking 21 glasses of wine a week improves your memory.

Drunk Girl: You know what? that’s stupid. I drink 21 Long Island Ice Tea’s a night! And I can’t remember anything! Except when… I remember throwing up in my hand… and not telling anyone…and I remember a cop giving me my bra back…

Tina Fey: Okay, its time for you to go. You gotta go.

Drunk Girl: Okay, let me just say one more thing. Live from New York its Saturday–

Tina Fey: We did that! We did that like an hour ago. (Drunk Girl starts crying) Alright, Drunk Girl everybody.

(Drunk Girl stops crying and begins laughing with happiness as she leaves)

Warner Brothers announce Tuesday that an illegal copy of the second Harry Potter appeared on the internet just days before its release in theatres. Even worse, apparently a book containing the entire story of the film came out 4 years ago.

This week Jennifer Lopez announced that she is engaged to Ben Affleck. It will be the third marriage for Lopez, the first for Affleck and the last for neither.

An Austrian ski resort is holding the ski world championship for blondes, in which blonde women will run down the slopes and then try to ski back up them.

Tina Fey: (ad-libbing) Cause they’re idiots… they’re stupid…

According to a new study Americans are now waiting longer to get married. Case and point; Little Richard.

This week Microsoft chairman Bill Gates pledged 100 million dollars to combat Aid’s in India. Gate said that looking back he can’t even remember why Microsoft introduced Aid’s into India in the first place.

Tina Fey: Phil Collins, who hasn’t released an album in 6 years has introduced his new single ‘Can’t stop loving you’ at this weeks Victoria Secrets Fashion Show.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no, no Tina that’s not what I heard. (’In the Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins begins to play) I heard that Victoria’s real secret is that she killed a dude, and Phil Collin’s witnessed it. So he set up this whole fashion thing, and its like to trick her and stuff…(Tina and Jimmy nod and then the music stops)

Richard Gere and his long time love have wed. So congratulations to Richard and Nibbles (picture of Richard Gere and a hamster appear).

An Austrian designer is now selling exclusive chocolate bras for $100 each. They come in regular or with peanuts (a bump appears where a nipple is).

Tina Fey: VH1 has pulled the plug on the Liza Minnelli, David Gest reality show due to the fact that the couple failed to give enough access to the couple’s lives. Here now to explain what really happened is Liza Minnelli and David Gest.

Liza Minnelli: Hi!! Hi! (Liza and David awkwardly hug)

David Gest: Tina, Tina, Tina, thank you so much. Liza and I are delighted to be here. First of all, we’d just like to say that we are totally willing to co-operate with VH1, and we are absolutely prepared to give them a dynamite, just a dynamite of a show. That would have been the most entertaining reality you have ever seen on television.

Liza Minnelli: Oh, you tell them cutie! Listen guys, we know reality okay? Because when I came out of the womb, somebody slapped me on the ass and I’ve been in the public eye ever since. And I’m Liza with a capital Z! Ha!

David Gest: Ok darling, ok…

Liza Minnelli: I love you darling. You guys want reality? Reality is waking up in the loving arms of a manly, totally not gay, rugged, outdoorsy type man who will pinch your ass and say ‘Honey, I am so hot for your woman body. Lets make babies the old fashion way’.

David Gest: (whispering) Honey, we are supposed to be talking about the reality show.

Liza Minnelli: Oh yes, yes. I’ve known a lot of different realities, for example going to bed in Los Angeles, and then waking up in Detroit! Moiety, Michigan facedown on the kitchen floor of a Mexican restaurant. Ha! You like that Tina?

David Gest: Okay, shut it, shut it!

Liza Minnelli: Okay dokey artichokey! Look at this face, this is a handsome man…(singing) Why hello there Sailor…

David Gest: Time to go dear, its time we go.

Liza Minnelli: Okay, I can’t wait for our reality show. (singing) I want to be apart of it, reality…

David Gest: Ok, alright, this is why I stopped the show! Turn the camera’s off (getting on the desk) turn the camera’s off!

Liza Minnelli: (singing) Reality is not a Mexican restaurant…(Christopher jumps off the Weekend Update desk) Oh, alright!

Tina Fey: Liza Minnelli and David Gest everyone!

David Gest: (waking towards the camera) Turn the camera off!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Jimmy throws the pencil and David keeps saying to turn the camera’s off)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

“Welcome Back, Potter”

Harry Potter…..Will Forte

[ show picture of Harry Potter, as a playful wizard youth ]

Voiceover: Harry Potter. For years, we delighted at his many adventures at Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And while, time and again, young Harry escaped from dragons, trolls and evil sorcerors, there’s one thing even a boy wiard can’t escape from.. and that’s growing up.

[ show Harry grown-up, with a perm hairdo and frizzy moustache ]

Ye-e-esss, the years since leaving school have been kind to Harry. But they haven’t been quite so kind to Hogwart’s. Most people nowadays have written the place off, as a bad school in a bad neighborhood full of bad kids. But bad kids have dreams, too. That’s why Harry’s headed back to Hogwart’s. Only, this time, he’s the teacher.

[ cue Jingle ]

Jingle:

“Welcome back.. your dreams were your ticket out
Welcome back.. to the same old place that you laughed about.

Who’d have thought they’d lead ya
(Who’d have thought they’d lead ya)
Here where we need ya
(Here where we need ya)

Yeah, we tease him a lot
’cause he teaches wizardry in the ghetto
Welcome back
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.”

Announcer: “Welcome Back, Potter”. This Fall on the WB.

Second Announcer: Due to pending legal action, “Welcome Back, Potter” may be called “Honky In The Hood”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

My Big Thick Novel

…..Brittany Murphy

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 589

“Hold on to my hand,” I yelled.

“I can’t,” said Lucinda. “I’m slipping.”

“Hold on!” I screamed. But it was too late. She let go and fell, landing hard on her buttocks. And that was the last time we ever went square dancing.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Brittany Murphy’s Monologue

…..Brittany Murphy
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Chris Kattan
…..Will Forte
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Don Pardo

Brittany Murphy: Wow! Thank you guys! Oh my! I am thrilled to be here. I just did this movie “8 Mile” with Eminem. But now I get to do this! I can’t believe this, I’ve been a fan of the show since I was a little kid. I even read a book about SNL and it was fascinating but what it didn’t tell you is that theres this whole East Coast/West Coast comedy war with the cast that I didn’t know anything about. Did you know, Tracy Morgan absolutely will not be in a scene with Chris Parnell.

Tracy Morgan: Na Na that’s just a fallacy right there. It ain’t even true. I’ll do a scene with anybody.

Brittany Murphy: So you and Parnell get along?

Tracy Morgan: No he’s a little bitch!

Chris Parnell: Who you callin’ a bitch, bitch!

Brittany Murphy: Please don’t, please. Ok apparently the cast members from California have a different style than those from New York City and Chicago.

Chris Parnell: Yeah! Our style is FUNNY!

Brittany Murphy: You guys, can you not do this right now, please?

Tracy Morgan: Please, please me and my crew will settle this right now. East Coast, regulate! (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, and Amy Poehler walk out)

Chris Parnell: West Coast, let’s do it! (Chris Kattan, Maya Rudolph, and Will Forte walk out)

Brittany Murphy: Ok, These are the rules. 45 seconds on the clock and a beat, bring in the beat. No swearin’ ’cause it’s live TV. Heads or Tails?

Tracy Morgan: Tails! (coin lands on heads) Ladies first! (Music starts)

Chris Parnell: (singing)
“They call me the Iceman cuz I bring the ice,
Lorne liked me so much he hired me twice
Representing the west coast LA, Ca
Grew up from the Groundlings,
These gangsters came to play
C.P., Lady Rudolph, CK2 and Will Forte
Were erupting like Vesuvious and you are just Pompeii.

I scratches my itches,
Makes the hosts my bitches
I was somewhere inside her, Ms. Wynona Ryder
Kirsten D., me, and Cameron D. had a three
There’s no askin’ or tellin’ what happened with Mr. Ian McKellan.
All those low ranked characters your tryin’ to push,
You play Brian Fellows, bitch I’m President Bush.”

Brittany Murphy: Oh! West coast not bad. East coast lets show ’em what you have.

Tracy Morgan: (singing)
“Let’s take it back to old school
I got the East coast, best school
HOLIDAY INN
I say if the West coast actin’ up we won’t be you friend.
Amy P. am I mellow, it’s all you what ya gonna do.”

Amy Poehler: Tracy, I’m not ready for this.

Tracy Morgan: Let’s go, rookie. You got one shot, one shot to blow.

Amy Poehler: (singing)
“Listen up. Here I come straight out the East coast sun,
Don’t let my size fool ya, just watch as I school you.
Represent UCB in the Improv Olympics,
My choices specific, my screenwork terrific,
My writing is tight, and bright, and prolific.
I givin’ viscious hits like Tony Soprano,
not cheap shiznick like Corky Romano.

I don’t read Q cards, I memorize my lines,
While you babies cry I ain’t wastin’ time.
So don’t be prolonged while you’re home watchin’ porn
I’m chilln’ in St. Barts with my pimp daddy Lorne.
Stop your foolin’, while I’m humorin’
My beat’s as heavy as two Laraine Newmans
Say my name Don Pardo!”

Don Pardo: AMY POEHLER.

Brittany Murphy: Alright! Not bad! Check this! (singing)
“Yo,Yo,
I’ve had it with all the commotion,
So stop the emotion and turn your devotion
To me Ms. B. the host with the most you see in movies,
While you’re mocking me on late night TV.

From Girl Interrupted, to Freeway, to Clueless
I get paid for my work, You get paid to look foolish.
My movie “8 Mile” is doing so well what’s Eminem like,
I’ll never tell.

Yo,Yo So don’t forget it’s my name you know
The baddest, the maddest, the best host of the show.”

Brittany Murphy: Ok! Ok! Yeah! East Coast/West Coast the beef is formally over. We’ve got a great show tonight. Nelly is here with Kelly Rowland. So stick around, fools, will be right back.

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

The Leatherman

The Leatherman…..Jimmy Fallon
Choo Choo…..Horatio Sanz
Female Customer…..Brittany Murphy

(Open on The Leatherman Store)

(Female Customer walks in)

Leatherman: Welcome to the Leatherman.

Female Customer: Let me guess, you are the Leatherman.

Leatherman: Good guess! Can I get you into some leather?

Female Customer: Well, these are kinda nice, fabulous actually. Um are they snakeskin.

(Leatherman’s leather squeaks as he walks toward the customer.)

Leatherman: Not just any kind of snake. Those are made from genuine diamondback rattle snake. Bred right here on thr premises in our shop.

(Leatherman shows the customer the snakes)

Female Customer: Oh! Whew! Those are some snakes.

Leatherman: Nothing sexier than a pair of capri pants made of rattlesnakes.

Female Customer: Oh Yeah! Let me try on a pair.

Leatherman: Choo Choo!

(Leatherman’s assistant Choo Choo runs out covered in leather.)

Leatherman: Choo Choo, This fine lady would like to try on a pair of rattler capris. Let’s see, you look like a petite two.

Choo Choo: I’d like to pet tit, too!

Leatherman: Choo Choo!! (Leatherman whips Choo Choo)

Choo Choo: (screams) Why did I give him that whip for his birthday?

Leatherman: Always treat the customers with…. (Fallon breaks character, cracking up apparently over nothing)

Choo Choo: (Sanz improvising) Makes no sense, really.

Leatherman: Always treat the customers with dignity and respect. Especially ladies that look like they (leather squeaks loudly) in all the right places. Now get back to work. (Leatherman whips Choo Choo)

Choo Choo: (Screams) Good whip, Boss.

Leatherman: I knew it was. Right this way! (escorts customer to dressing room) I can’t wait ’til they’re covered in leather.

(Choo Choo hands the customer a pair of leather pants)

Leatherman: There you go! Thanks, Choo Choo!

(Customer enters dressing room and tries on pants)

Leatherman: Snakeskin’s like a second skin. Feel free to use that rosin powder and towel and help yourself get into the leather. Yeah! That’ll be nice. Did they get on nice?

Female Customer: (steps out) How do they look.

Leatherman: The snakeiest! You look sleek and ready to strike. These are genuine sidewinder rattles on the bottom of these cuffs.

Female Customer: I can’t feel my legs.

Leatherman: There are trace amounts of venom still on the snakeskin. But you fell fashionably numb. Now walk for me, walk for the leather.

(Customer starts walking as the leather squeaks)

Female Customer: Leatherman! Maybe leather isn’t right for me.

Leatherman: You are talking to the wrong person. I don’t like leather, I love leather. There’s nothing better than shooting an animal, chopping off its head, stringing it up, stippin’ the skin from its carcass with a curved knife, boiling its hide, dipping it, treating it with chemicals, stretching it, and making it into a garment for a fine lady such as yourself.

Female Customer: Well, after you put it like that.. I’ll take it.

(Choo Choo runs out)

Choo Choo: Come here, Boss!

Leatherman: Can’t you see I’m with a customer.

(Choo Choo speaks incoherently, gets whipped)

Choo Choo: (screams) Boss! (speaks incoherently) Snake escaped!

Leatherman: Oh no! I’m sorry, honey, one of our boot snakes escaped. Choo Choo, fill the trap with live mice, we’ll get her back.

Female Customer: Oh my God! It’s right there.

Leatherman: There goes the snake! Choo Choo go in there and get it. (Choo Choo runs in a dressing room after the snake) Grab him by the head. Come on, come over here. (moves the customer) You’ll be safe.

(Choo Choo screams)

Leatherman: What happened!

Choo Choo: I got it, Boss! (Choo Choo holds up the rattle)

Leatherman: Choo Choo! That’s not the head, That’s the tail.

(Choo Choo screams, runs out of the dressing room as snake bites his penis)

Leatherman: Choo Choo! Choo Choo!

(Choo Choo screams and runs around the store knocking everything over.)

Leatherman: Let me call 911! They’ll take care of this. (flips top of cellphone, it squeaks; presses keypads, which also squeak like fine leather) Hello, Yeah I got a guy here that’s been bit by a big rattlesnake. At the Leatherman Shop on 515 Oak Street. Ok! I gotta do what? With my mouth? Thank you very much.

Choo Choo: Boss! What did he say.

Leatherman: I’m sorry, Choo Choo – looks like you’re gonna die.

(Choo Choo screams and runs around as the Leatherman whips him)

(fade)

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph
Anna Kournikova…..Brittany Murphy
Serena Williams…..Dean Edwards
Venus Williams…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!

Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi, I’m Scott Joplin, the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love women’s tennis. That’s why I host this show every week. This week, I’m especially excited, because I have with me three of the premier players on the women’s circuit today. Please welcome Anna Kournikova, and Venus and Serena Williams. [ plays piano as the female tennis stars enter and sit ] Well, hello! It’s great to have you wih me, ladies. Let’s start with you, Anna. Now, ?? nationally famous for your good looks?

Anna Kournikova: I feel so ?? It’s not ?? Uh.. it’s painful that people would rather talk about the way I look, than the way I play tennis.

Scott Joplin: Maybe it would be easier to talk about your tennis if you weren’t so bad. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Serena? You’re a beautiful girl.

Serena Williams: Thank you, Scott!

Scott Joplin: You, too, Venus.

Venus Williams: You’re sweet!

Scott Joplin: Do people talk about your tennis, or your looks?

Serena Williams: [ thinking ] I’d say.. mostly our looks.

Venus Williams: Definitely our tennis!

Scott Joplin: Maybe that’s because you rank #1 and #2 in the world, not #45, like Britney Spears over here. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Anna? How many major tournaments have you won in your professional career?

Anna Kournikova: [ defensive ] Where are you going with this, Scott?

Venus Williams: Just answer the question!

Anna Kournikova: Okay, then! Well, none, major!

Scott Joplin: And, yet, you make tens of millions in endorsements.

Anna Kournikova: Listen, I don’t really want..

Venus Williams: You make an obscene amount of money, girl!

Anna Kournikova: So do you, Venus!

Scott Joplin: Yes, but Venus wins tournaments. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Anna Kournikova: I don’t think it’s fair that you travel in time just to be mean to me!

Scott Joplin: Look, I didn’t travel in time to be mean to you, sweetheart. I travel in time to talk about women’s tennis. But I find myself sitting here with two champions, and one overexposed calendar girl with no second serve. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Anna Kournikova: Scott Joplin, you’re mean! I don’t make fun of your antiquated music!

Scott Joplin: Antiquated?

Anna Kournikova: Yes!

Scott Joplin: That’s a big word, Russian Barbie! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling Scott Joplin.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Cadet Nelly…..Nelly
Cadet Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Queen Bleebora…..Brittany Murphy

[ open on Astronaut Jones walking through a dark cave with his crew, Garrett Morris and Nelly, as they approach a pair of large space rocks ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! My crew and I are deep in the caves of the planet Zorgon. We are completely alone! I don’t think there are any space monsters or aliens.

[ suddenly, the two space rocks come to life, towering over astronaut Jones and his crew ]

Astronaut Jones: Uh-oh! I might have been wrong about that!

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
There’s a fair adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”

Hey!”

Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! In “Attack of the Zorgons”. With special guests: Nelly and Garrett Morris.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: I can’t talk, Earth! I have to fight the Zorgons. Cadet Nelly, hold my space phone!

Cadet Nelly: I will hold your phone.

Cadet Garrett: Look out, Astronaut Jones!

[ the rock creatures come forward and take their grip on Astronaut Jones ]

[ Queen Bleeblora enters scene, taking full command ]

Queen Bleebora: Release that man! Let go of the Earthling! [ Astronaut Jones is released ] I apologize for these two Zargons.

[ Astronaut Jones and his crew stare laciviously at Queen Bleebora ]

Astronaut Jones: Ah, it ain’t nothing..

Cadet Nelly: Yeah, it’s no big deal..

Queen Bleebora: The men on Zargon..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm.

Cadet Garrett: Mmm.

Queen Bleebora: ..are warlike.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Cadet Nelly: That’s true.

Queen Bleebora: I am Bleebora..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm..

Cadet Nelly: Yes, you are, baby.

Queen Bleebora: ..the Queen of the Zorgons.

Astronaut Jones: God bless your soul!

Queen Bleebora: We have been monitoring your time here on Zargon..

Astronaut Jones: Thank you, Jesus!

Queen Bleebora: And we understand..

Cadet Nelly: Right!

Queen Bleebora: ..that you are a peaceful race.

Cadet Garrett: A 44 double-D!

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm!

Queen Bleebora: We, too, are peace-loving.

Astronaut Jones: Sweet, like bear meat!

Cadet Garrett: You are a piece!

Cadet Nelly: Yes, indeed!

Queen Bleebora: Zargon is rich..

Astronaut Jones: Oooohh, you see that, Cadet Nelly?

Cadet Nelly: Oh, my!

Queen Bleebora: ..in minerals..

Astronaut Jones: Jump on it!

Queen Bleebora: ..and valuable in gemstones..

Cadet Nelly: Uh-huh!

Queen Bleebora: ..that could be of great use to your people.

Astronaut Jones: Serious blockbuster!

Queen Bleebora: And your planet Earth..

Astronaut Jones: Oughtta bust a block, too!

Queen Bleebora: ..has an abundance of sand..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Queen Bleebora: ..which you need to live..

Cadet Nelly: Mmm!

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Queen Bleebora: I believe our two worlds could share and learn from each other.

Astronaut Jones: Dig it!

Cadet Nelly: Love those two worlds!

Queen Bleebora: What do you say to that, Astronaut Jones?

Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you pop out that spacesuit, and let me see those two big, gray space titties!

Cadet Nelly: Show me the boobies!

[ Queen Bleebora looks at the camera in shock ]

Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Holly…..Brittany Murphy
D.J. Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers

Jarret: What’s up Everybody it’s me Jarret, Coming to you live from the hall here at Hampshire College. I am so phsyched about my first place finish in the Halloween custome contest. I beat out twelve Martha Stewart’s, three Enron executives, And a 300 pound Asian Frodo Baggins. They were no match for my lead singer of the Counting Crows, Adam Duritz impression. The albino version (singing) Round Here. We have a great show tonight, so give it up for D.J. Jonathan Feinstein. (DJ plays an 80’s selection on keyboard) Dude, what the hell are you doing.

D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: Retro dude, remember the 80’s? Well they’re totally back.

Jarret: Remember the 80’s? What year were you born.

D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: (hseitant) ’84.

Jarret: So which part of the ’80’s are you remembering? The part where you learned to walk, or the part where you stopped eating lunch out of your mom’s boob?

D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: What you talkin’ about, Jarret?

Jarret: Also, please welcome my best friend and roommate, the guy who once made a bong out of another bong, Gobi.

Gobi: (singing) Turkey Bong, Get It On, Turkey Bong Happy Thankgiving!!!!

Jarret: Wow! Gobi that’s a nice pilgrim costume, dude.

Gobi: What! Pilgrim costume?

Jarret: Yeah!

Gobi: I was trying to dress like the dude from Blues Travelar. (Plays harmonica)

Jarret: Pretty good, Dude.

Gobi: Pretty good, right. Dude, you want Turkey Pot Pie?

Jarret: Yeah sure dude.

Gobi: Turkey POT pie! Ha ha ha (pie has pot on it)

Jarret: No thanks man. (Gobi takes a bite) You gotta watch out for Gobi, when he gets around a kitchen he’s nuts. I once went to Thanksgiving dinner at his house and by the time I woke up they were having Christmas dinner.

Gobi: Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Jarret: It wasn’t that funny.

Gobi: No it’s not that, I just got the other one – Turkey POT pie. Ha HA HA HA because there’s pot in there and it’s in a pie.

Jarret: It’s your joke.

Gobi: Yeah! It’s a good one, too.

Jarret: Well a lot of people think Thanksgiving is all about turkey and pilgrims and all that stuff, but to me it’s all about stopping to give thanks for all we cherish in life. I for one am thankful for this picture I found of Gobi from his senoir year in high school.

(picture of Gobi as a geek winning on “Jeopardy” is shown)

Together: Ha ha ha ha!

Gobi: Dude that dude’s a dork. Ha ha ha!

Jarret: That’s you.

Gobi: Oh Man!

Jarret: Well our first guest is trying to be the first student in Hampshire College history to graduate in four years, but to do it she needs to take fourteen classes this semester. Normally, I would find that kind of determination kind of hot, but the steady diet of coffee and No Doze has driven her completely insane. Please welcome Holly, everyone.

Holly: Hey Jarret!

(D.J. plays in her to synth version of “Take On Me”)

Jarret: Thanks for coming.

Holly: Thanks for having me. This is your room? It’s so much bigger than mine. Holy moly. Are people watching this right now? Do you have any vitamins, I really need some vitamins, Hey Gobi.

Gobi: How are ya?

Holly: That’s a great Blues Travelar outfit. I really like that.

Gobi: I told you. (plays harmonica)

Jarret: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Holly: Oh my god! Oh my god! I am so stressed out right now I could use you guys is it safe to stay up for sixteen straight days in a row. I don’t know, I mean I feel totally fine, but do you think it’s ok.

(Holly’s heart starts beating loudly)

Jarret: Hold on! Is that your heart beating?

Holly: Yeah! Yes it’s really loud isn’t it. Is it really bright in here.

(beating of her heart stops)

Jarret: I, I think it stopped. Hey, Hey!

Holly: (takes a drink) Thats better.

Jarret: Holly, you gotta calm down.

Holly: I totally, totally agree. Oh I almost forgot – a bunch of us are going down to Safeway to protest the barbaric blood drenched ritual known as Thanksgiving. Do you wanna come?

Jarret: Protest Thanksgiving?

Holly: We will not stop untill we free everyone of our feathered brotherans, or as we like to call them, featheran. Meat is murder, Jarret.

Jarret: Holly, you work at Chili’s.

Holly: Yes, I do happen to be employed, but alright hold on (takes a drink) I happen to be employed by the Chili’s foundation, ok and coorperation but that’s it.

Jarret: (singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back

Gobi: (singing) Chili’s Baby Back Ribs

Jarret: Barbeque sauce.

Holly: They think they’re N Sync.

Jarret: Alright that’s all the time we have for today. D.J. Jonathan Feinstein take us out.

(D.J. plays “Cars” on keyboard)

(fade out)

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Goodnights

…..Brittany Murphy

Brittany Murphy: Thank you to Nelly, Kelly Rowland, Adam Sandler, Rob Schnieder, Garret Morris. Thank you everyone. America we love you. Number one.

Submitted by: Anders Samuelson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

TV Funhouse

[ show images of “Jonah” and “Daniel and the Lions” ]

Announcer: It’s an all-new collection of inspirational stories, from your favorite foods of faith.. “The Religetables”.

[ show Religetables graphic ]

[ show scene from story “Jesus and the Lepers”, as Religetable Jesus heals a smooshed vegetable into ripeness ]

Religetables: [ singing ]
“We’re the Religetables!
We always go to church!
It’s a spirit we will
We are the Religetables
We never touch ourself
‘Cause we don’t want to go to Helllllll!”

[ show ear of corn sitting on the toilet jerking off as he ogles Huskler magazine, only to end up on a fiery barbecue pit in Hell ]

Announcer: You’ll get brand new historical tales for the entire family, revealing the awesome power of religion.

[ show scene from “Why Do I Have To Be Circumsized?”, as baby potato has a slice of his peel removed ]

Announcer: Including: The Crusades.

[ show scene from “Holy Crusades” ]

Tomato: “Deus lo volt
God wills it! God wills it!”

Servants: “This war is hope
So we’ll turn the non-believers
into guacamole!”

[ Avocado Christians are mashed into guacamole ]

Announcer: And the Religetables’ Salem Witch Trials.

[ show scene from “Which Way To Salem?”, as Carrot stands with noose around her neck as Broccoli and Yam dance nearby ]

Carrot: I know I must die.. but by my own innocent-

Broccoli & Yam: [ singing ]
“God has a hitch
To right the witch
Without a hitch.
We’ll watch her twitch
And then we’ll pitch
her in a ditch
And it’s a cinch..!”

Broccoli: That doesn’t rhyme.

Yam: Whatever.

Announcer: And a contemporary tale with a multi-cultural flair.

[ show scene from “Hamfi’s Dream”, as a harem of radishes surround the tomato lord ]

Hamfi: [ singing ] “70 virgins..”

Radish Harem: “Are we.. 70 virgins..”

[ Hamfi awakens from his dream, attaches a food processor to himself, and runs around the villarge chopping and dicing vegetable peasants ]

[ cut to breaking news, as Broccoli News Anchor airs footage of a cucumber priest addressing a crowd ]

Broccoli News Anchor: This a Religetables special report. We are looking at a live press conference in Denver, where Father Raphael Walsh is resigning his post, after confessing to sexual abuse. Father Walsh is admitting to having molested at least six gherkins, between the years 1987 and 1996. Father Walsh also admitted to fondling an adolescent mushroom. We now rejoin the scheduled program.

[ cut back to the advertisement ]

[ show scene from “Why Is There Armageddon?”, as a Tomato sits on a slicer in the pits of Hell ]

Tomato: “Armageddon’s finally here!”

[ the tomato is sliced ]

Asparagus: [ running past ] “Arm-a-gettin’ outta here!”

[ pan to reveal can of V-8 leaking into the pits to simulate lava ]

Announcer: The new Religetables. Perfect for Christmas and Halloween!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts