Month: October 2018

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

The opening ceremonies for the 17th Olympic Games took place this morning in Lillehammer, Norway. Due to the current controversy, this marks the first time the Winter Olympics will be broadcast on Court TV.

The traditional Olympic torch was carried in on skis, and the crowd cheered until they realized the skier was actually trying to get away from Tonya Harding’s bodyguard.

On the international scene, preparing to leave Somilia, the U.S. Army will give the Somilia police 5,000 rifles, 5,000 pistols, 2.3 million rounds of ammunition, and 5,000 handcuffs and nightsticks. The weapons are government-surplus, impounded last week from New York City high schools.

And in national news, President Clinton told a group of GM auto workers in Louisiana this week that he once had an El Camino with astroturf in the back. Clinton went on to brag that, even though it was artificial grass, it was the first place he planted Flowers.

Among the cuts announced in President Clinton’s new budget proposal this week, is the student loan program. But, with four-year college tuition averaging $120,000 – for kids looking for that kind of money, they can still accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them.

In a related story, prosecutors in Santa Barbara say that if the grand jury decides to indict him, Jackson will be tried as an adult.

Well, this week marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year. People across the country celebrated, but some think Bob Packwood went a little far by wearing a lapel button saying, “Kiss me, I’m Chinese.”

In other news, there’s a movement to make Ronald Reagan’s birthday a national holiday. People would still have to go to work, but they could arrive late, make no decisions, and fall asleep before noon.

The Marine Corps Toys For Tots program came under fire this week, for fundraising mismanagement, resulting in many kids not receiving toys. As a results, kids will now be given firearms to trade under the new program, Guns For Toys For Tots.

Some sad news. Jack Kirby, the man responsible for creating superheroes for Marvel Comics, died this week. Funeral services will not be held, however, as they are planning to bring him back in a future issue.

This human interest item: According to a new compatibility study of married couples, only 25% of husbands kiss their wifw goodbye when they leave their house. However, 99% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Well, the Florida Citrus Commission named Rush Limbaugh their new spokesperson this week. Officials say Limbaugh was chosen for his popularity, sense of humor, and uncanny resemblance to a giant grapefruit.

And on the lighter side, thew Miss U.S.A. Pageant was held last night in South Padre Island, Texas. The winner was Miss South Carolina, who outshone all other contestants by becoming the only finalist able to correctly spell “Miss U.S.A.”

Kevin Nealon: Not always an easy thing to do.

Here now, with a special Valentine’s Day message, is Weekend Update correspondent Ike Turner. Ike, what have you got?

Ike Turner: Thank you, Kevin Nealon. Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, you dig? Yet, all anybody can talk about is Nancy Kerrigan, and who did or didn’t hit her. Well, I got one thing to say, baby: I didn’t touch her! I wasn’t even there! Everybody’s always trying to blame Ike! Ike never did nothing!

Kevin Nealon: Okay, Ike, how about back to Valentine’s Day, remember?

Ike Turner: Damn, Kevin Nealon. You riding me tonight, you know that? You want Valentine’s Day, I’ll give you Valentine’s Day! [ smacks Kevin with a box of chocolates ] There you go!

Kevin Nealon: Ike! Stop it!

Ike Turner: How about you eat a whole box of candy, Kevin, there you go, just take it! [ shoves chocolates into Kevin’s mouth ]

Kevin Nealon: Ow! Ow! Ike! Come on, that hurts!

Ike Turner: [ mellowing ] Oh, baby, I’m sorry! I didn’t want this to happen again! I mean, I’ll give you anything you want, baby, just.. anything you want..

Kevin Nealon: You know what I want, Ike? I want guys like you out of my life, alright? And take your candy with you! [ shoves candy away from desk, as Ike leaves in defeat ] Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen.. In other news this week, President Clinton announced a —

Ike Turner: [ slinking back with presents ] Kevin Nealon.. be my Valentine!

Kevin Nealon: Ike, it was not meant to be.

Ike Turner: Come on, Kevin Nealon! Take it back, baby! I fixed the candy, look! [ holds up repaired box of chocolates ] Just give me a chance, I got a song for you, Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon: Ike.. I don’t know.. it’s been a long time..

Ike Turner: [ pulls out his guitar ] Come on, baby! We can do it again! We can be the best! Ain’t nobody gonna stop us – Ike and Kevin Nealon! Come on, Kevin Nealon, you know the words! “Big wheel keep on turnin’..”

Kevin Nealon: Aw, I-I don’t know, Ike.. [ shakes his head, then quickly gives in ] “Proud Mary keep on burnin’..”

Ike Turner: That’s it, baby! “Rollin’..”

Kevin Nealon: “Rollin’..”

Together: “Rollin’ on the ri-ver..”

[ music picks up; Kevin jumps up to dance, revealed to be wearing red Tina Turner dress and shimmying his legs for the crowd ]

Kevin Nealon: “Left a good job in the city! Workin’ for the man every night and day! But I never saw the good side of the city, when I hitched a ride on the riverboat queen!”

Together: “Big wheel keep on turnin’! Proud Mary keep on burnin’! Rollin’.. rollin’.. rollin’ on the ri-verrrr.”

[ they hug ]

Ike Turner: Happy Valentine’s Day, baby!

Kevin Nealon: Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen. [ pats over his heart ] You people in the front row got a little something extra tonight. [ winks ]

This Valentine’s tip for you married guys looking for something different: why not bring home a sexy red silk dress? And if your wife likes it, give her one, too.

In a long-awaited action, police in Los Angeles today officially drew a chalk outline around Erik Estrada’s career.

This week, the northeast was hit by a record snowfall, and nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan, blamed the storm on the Jews.

This week marked the 30th anniversary of The Beatles’ first appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. In case you’re too young to remember 1964: TV was in black and white, records came out on 45s, and Keith Richards had his original blood.

And, finally, the New Hampshire legislature debated this week on whether to put the state motto “Live Free or Die” or “Scenic New Hampshire” on their license plates. In a related story, New York is considering changing its license plate from “The Empire State” to “Pull Over, and Get The Hell Out of My Way, You Dumb Sonofabitch!”

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

Romantic Man

Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Boyfriend…..Chris Farley
Romantic Man…..Alec Baldwin
Guy Young…..Mike Myers
Van Piedmont…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, elegant restaurant on Valentine’s night ]

Woman: [ happily ] Don’t you think that this is the perfect place for Valentine’s Day?

Boyfriend: [ more interested in the meal on his plate ] Yeah. The courses are kind of skimpy.

Woman: I’m just saying, this is a very romantic place to have dinner.

Boyfriend: Really? Good. [ takes a sip from his drink ]

Woman: Are you going to tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about again? I mean, I’m kind of hoping that tonight will be a little different.. with the candlelight, and the ambience. I thought tonight you might even tell me that you love me.

Boyfriend: Hey, come on – we’ve been living together for five years. Who else would I love? [ eyes his woman’s plate ] Are you gonna eat that?

Woman: [ frustrated ] Oh, I give up!

[ a suave gentleman dressed in a tuxedo enters the scene ]

Romantic Man: [ speaking in a sexy French accent ] Excuse me. I believe what you need.. is a romantic leading man.

Woman: Oh, my God! How did you know? Yes! I do!

Romantic Man: Allow me to introduce myself. I am a romantic man. Ze romantic man you’ve seen in so many of ze old movies. Like Cary Grant.. Clark Gable.. Charles Boyer. Who always get ze leading lady, and zey stay in love forever! You see, I, a romantic man, can stay in love. For I love love.

Woman: [ squeals with delight ] Well, Romantic Man, how do you do!

Romantic Man: Very well. Cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]

Woman: Oh! No, thank you. I don’t smoke.

Romantic Man: I can, however. Without fear of ze cancer. Because I am a romantic man. And who is your lucky companion? [ lights his cigarette ]

Woman: Oh, uh.. this is my boyfriend, Wally.

Romantic Man: Wally, old man – would you like a cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]

Boyfriend: No. That’s okay.

Romantic Man: See? Don’t I look better with a cigarette? [ a beat ] Now.. you are probably wondering: what exactly is ze definition of a romantic man? Life for him is divided into two emotions: love.. and waiting to be loved.

Woman: You’re kidding. So, you’re not afraid of commitment?

Romantic Man: No. In fact.. right now, I am waiting to be loved.. by you.

Woman: [ squeals ] Ooh..

Romantic Man: Would you like to meet a couple of friends of mine, while I am waiting?

Woman: Well.. sure! [ chippers happily ]

[ Romantic Man steps to the back of the restaurant, and signals to two more romantic men off-screen down a hall ]

Boyfriend: Hold on, we don’t even know this guy!

Woman: Hey, I like him.

Boyfriend: [ mimicking ] “I like him.” Yeah, well — you know.

[ Romantic Man returns with his two friends, each dressed as he is in the old Hollywood style. Romantic Man stands between Van Piedmnot and Guy Young. ]

Romantic Man: Here are two more romantic men: Guy Young and Van Piedmont. Both big oil men, and tap dancers.

Guy Piedmont: [ leans in at table ] Hello. Cigarette? [ offers woman a cigarette ]

Woman: [ delighted ] No, thank you.

Van Piedmont: Charmed, I’m sure. [ picks up woman’s hand and kisses it ] Cigarette? [ offers cigarette to the boyfriend ]

Woman: Oh! You know, that’s a great expression from the old movies: “Charmed, I’m sure.” What does it mean, exactly?

Van Piedmont: I’m not sure!

[ all three romantic men share a hearty laugh ]

Guy Piedmont: May we sit down?

[ without waiting for an answer, the three romantic men suavely pull chairs away from other tables, and sit at the woman’s table in the same positions as when they were standing. The woman is equally charmed. ]

Woman: So.. where are you from?

Guy Piedmont: Texas, actually. Mighty pretty country. I’ve got quite a spread there – three-and-a-half million acres.

Romantic Man: I’ve got 65 million acres! But it can get lonely there, when you are a romantic man who loves love.

Boyfriend: [ accusingly ] Let me ask you something, pal! Any of you have real jobs, or just, uh.. this?

Romantic Man: A job?

[ the three romantic men share another hearty laugh ]

Romantic Man: Well, I’ve been a cat burglar, a master spy, a dancer, a rogue, a rascal, and a raconteur. But being a romantic man is its own full-time job. Let me tell you what I do, in zat kind of work.

[ piano and violin music pots up ]

[ the three romantic man stand and light cigarettes in one another’s mouthes with suave ease, as the lights dim ]

Romantic Man: [ singing ]
“I love you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
I need you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
You can’t find a man who feels for you more ga-ga
And too romantic for words, so la-la-la-la la la.”

[ Van Piedmont kneels in front of woman ]

Van Piedmont: “I’m handsome, ’cause I’m a romantic man.”

[ Guy Young grabs woman’s shoulders from behind ]

Guy Young: “I’m frantic, ’cause I’m romantic, too.”

[ all three romantic men stand in a line; Woman dances a twirl in front of them ]

Three Romantic Men: [ singing ]
“My mind is on location with my heart, it’s true
Yes, they are, both of them loving you-ou-ou!
Ro-man-tic maaaaaaaaaaan!!”

[ the three romantic men lean in to extinguish their cigarettes on the table, as the lights come up again ]

Romantic Man: [ to Woman ] So! Shall we go, my dear, and ditch zis loser?

Woman: Well.. what would life really be like? I mean.. if I’m with you, a romantic man, forever and ever?

Romantic Man: Well, I.. don’t really know how we would live. I have no idea. Ze movie always ends before zis part. [ turns to Van Piedmont ] Cigarette?

Van Piedmont: Thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]

Romantic Man: [ turns to Guy Young ] My friend?

Guy Young: Why, thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]

Boyfriend: Sweetheart? [ Woman turns her focus to him ] You don’t need this guy, because.. well, first of all, one guy kept touching me. And, second.. I love you.

Woman: [ happy at last ] Oh, Wally, I love you, too! [ kisses her boyfriend, then stands to break the news to the romantic men, who have already walked away from the table and disappeared ] I’m sorry, all of you, but — They’re gone.

Boyfriend: [ stands ] But, still.. you have your romantic man. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Woman: Thank you, honey.

[ they kiss again, then dance around the restaurant as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip…..Mike Myers
Robin…..Kim Basinger

[ open on a local playground, where Robin sits at the base of the jungle gym playing with her dolly, while Phillip, tied by a harness to the gym, climbs the upper bars and attempts to free himself of his restrainment. Unsuccessful, he decides to sit next to Robin and talk to her. ]

Phillip: Hi, Robin!

Robin: Hi, Phillip.

Phillip: Hi, Robin!!

Robin: Hi, Phillip.

Phillip: Hi, Robin!!!

Robin: [ angry ] I said hello already, Phillip! Hello, hello, hello, hello-o-o-o-o!!

Phillip: [ wiping his face ] Okay. I want the news, not the weather.Robin, will you be my Valentine?

Robin: I’m already someone else’s Valentine.

Phillip: Whose?

Robin: An older boy. He gave me chocolates.

Phillip: I don’t like older boys. One time, an older boy tried tomake me eat some poo! He told me it was a tootsie roll!

Robin: Gross.

Phillip: And another ti-i-ime, some older boy peed into asoda can and made me drink it. hey told me it was Mountain Dew.

Robin: Hey, you want a Hertz donut?

Phillip: I’m not supposed to have sugar, I’m hypoglycenic andhyperactive. I’m a hyper-hypo! That’s why I wear a harness. Becausewhen I have sugar, I become a menace to myself and others.

Robin: There’s no sugar in a Hertz donut.

Phillip: Well, okay.. give me a Hertz donut!

[ Robin punches Phillip in the arm ]

Robin: Hurts, don’t it? Get it! [ laughs ]

Phillip: That’s where I got my booster shot!

Robin: Hurts, don’t it? [ keeps laughing ]

Phillip: Whatever.. okay. I love you, you know. [ talks funny ] Ilove you, you know. I have a bubble in my throat. I had a lot of dairyproducts today. I have a bubble in my throat. [ sings ] “Ohhh.. thegirls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs! The girls got the buns,and the boys got the hot dogs!”

Together: “The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!” [ they laugh ]

Phillip: When you hit me in the arm, it didn’t hurt you know.

Robin: Wow. You.. you’re strong.

Phillip: Thanks.

Robin: [ laughing ] That smell isn’t everything! [ laughs ]

Phillip: I’m running away from you. You’re making fun of me.[ runs out as far as he can, until the harness holds him back. After acouple of tries, he gives up and resumes sitting next to Robin. ] Okay,I’m staying.. I suppose.. You know, at the risk of sounding pathetic,I’ll ask you again: Will you be my Valentine?

Robin: Okay, Phillip. I’ll be your Valentine, if you wat some ofmy Valentine’s Day’s chocolate.

Phillip: I can’t eat chocolate. I’m not supposed to, on accountsugar makes me go mental.

Robin: [ starts eating some of the chocolate, staining her face ]Mmm.. this choclate is really, really good..

Phillip: You’re the devil!

Robin: If you love me, you’ll have some..

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some.

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: Alright, alright! [ takes a piece of chocolate ]Well, one couldn’t hurt.. [ grabs the rest of the chocolates andscarfs them down ]

[ high on the sugar in the chocolates, Phillip again tries to run freefrom the playground, but is pulled back by the harness. Too hyper to stophimself, he uses his newfound strength to pry the jungle gym from theground, then runs across the playground dragging the jungle gym behindhim, until he makes his way to the highway ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you very much, thank you! Thank you! Ity’s a thrill to be hosting “Saturday Night Live.”

Kim Basinger: Especially this weekend.

Alec Baldwin: Because, as I’m sure a lot of you already know, Kim and I are newlyweds.

[ audience applauds ]

Kim Basinger: And this will be our first Valentine’s together as husband and wife!

Alec Baldwin: [ shyly ] Honey? don’t be embarrassed, but.. uh.. I love you.

Kim Basinger: I love you, too.

[ they kiss ]

Kim Basinger: But, you know, Alec.. I love you so much. I don’t want to keep anything from you.

Alec Baldwin: [ a little nervous ] Okay.

Kim Basinger: That’s why I have a confession to make: I have no respect for you as an actor. [ a beat ] Do you hate me now?

Alec Baldwin: Hate you? Hate you? Why.. the fact that you could be so honest and forthright with me on national television makes me love you more than ever!

Kim Basinger: [ happily ] That’s such a relief!

Alec Baldwin: Darling, I have a confession of my own. Uh, recently, I took the liberty of drugging you and making a plaster cast of your naked body, and, uh.. selling it to an inflatable doll company. [ a beat ] You must really hate me now.

Kim Basinger: Hate you? Why, that’s.. the most flattering thing I ever heard!

Alec Baldwin: [ relieved ] You mean it!

Kim Basinger: Why, the fact that you thought enough of my body to share it with the entire porno industry! Why, I-I couldn’t love you more than I do right now! [ suddenly uneasy again ] Darling —

Alec Baldwin: Say it.

Kim Basinger: [ at last ] Until two weeks before our wedding.. I thought I was marrying your brother Billy.

Alec Baldwin: I see.

Kim Basinger: I was going to call it off, now.. but I was afraid I would look like a real idiot, so I just.. Do you hate me, darling?

Alec Baldwin: Hate you? [ chuckles ]

Kim Basinger: [ laughs nervously ]

Alec Baldwin: You know I love my brother Billy, and the fact that we share those feelings makes me love you twice as much as before!

Kim Basinger: [ squeals happily ] Wow!

Alec Baldwin: [ becomes serious ] Darling, I want to ask you something, but I’m worried that you’ll hate me.

Kim Basinger: Nothing you could say – nothing – would make me hate you.

Alec Baldwin: Alright. How do you pronounce your last name? Is it Bay-singer, or Bass-inger? [ Kim is silent ] You hate me for not knowing, don’t you?

Kim Basinger: The fact that you would explore every possible way of pronouncing my name.. that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. And I do love you! [ wraps her arms around Alec and kisses him ]

Alec Baldwin: [ happily ] Oh, I love you! But, which is it?

Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.

Alec Baldwin: I love you, Kim Base-singer!

Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, right, right..

Kim Basinger: Darling?

Alec Baldwin: Yes?

Kim Basinger: This is very hard for me to say, so I’m .. I’m just gonna say it: I wanted to host the show alone.

Alec Baldwin: Uh-huh?

Kim Basinger: Because you’re not that funny.. and it makes me nervous to be around you. [ stunned, Alec silently looks at the floor ] Alec, you’re not saying anything? Are you thinking about how much you hate me?

Alec Baldwin: Kim, I am standing here trying to find the words to express how much more I love you than I did just ten seconds ago. I’m not sure why, but what you just said, about me not being that funny, and making you feel uncomfortable, makes me the happiest man alive!

Kim Basinger: [ touched immensely ] Oh.. darling! I love you so much!

Alec Baldwin: I love you!

[ they wrap their arms around one another for a loving kiss ]

Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show tonight! UB40 is here!

Kim Basinger: [ arms still wrapped around Alec ] Stick around! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger

Alec Baldwin: I want to thank UB40! [ everyone applauds UB40 ] And I want to thank my brothers, and my wife Kim! Good night, everybody!

Kim Basinger: [ to the audience ] I love you! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin’s Goodfellas

…..Alec Baldwin
Skinny Lou…..Fred Wolf
Jimmy “Two-Times”…..Jay Mohr
Bobby “Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Jimmy “Five-Times”…..Rob Scneider
Bobby”Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Johnny “Big Balls”…..Phil Hartman
Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”….Norm MacDonald
Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi…..Kevin Nealon
Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-In-Here?” Washington…..Ellen Cleghorne
Gina “The Clap” Vanetti…..Julia Sweeney
“Out-of-Focus” Eddie…..David Spade
“Naked” Derek…..Tim Meadows
Jonny “The Informer”…..Mike Myers
Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”…..Kim Basinger
Ed “The Complete Idiot”…..Adam Sandler

Alec Baldwin: Hello, I’m Alec Baldwin. Whenever I come back to New York, I visit my old neighborhood of Massapequa, Long Island . A lot of guys I grew up with are still there. Tough guys. We called ’em “wise guys”. And even though I became an actor, as far back as I can remember – I always wanted to be a “wise guy”.

[ cut to footage of Massapequa ]

[ Music Over: “Rags To Riches”, Tony Bennett ]

Alec Voiceover: When I was growing up in Massapequa, the mob wasall over the place. Because I knew them, I was treated with respect.

[ dissolve to interior, Bamboo Lounge, where the camera pans across theroom to each mobster, one at a time ]

Alec Voiceover: I remember there was Jimmy and Tommy..

Jimmy & Tommy; Hey-hey!

Alec Voiceover: There was Frankie Carboni..

Frankie Carboni: Hey, how ya doin’?

Alec Voiceover: There was my brother’s friend, Skinny Lou..

Skinny Lou: Hey, I took care of the thing for ya.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Two-Times”, who got that nicknamebecause he said everything twice..

Jimmy “Two-Times”: I’m gonna go get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: You had Bobby “Buckethead”..

Bobby Buckethead: [ wearing bucket on his head ] Hey, what’s up, Alec?

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Five-Times”..

Jimy “Five-Times”: I gotta get the papers. Get the papers. Get the papers. [ pause ] Get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: There was Johnny “Big Balls”..

Johnny “Big Balls”: Hey, I got something to show you! [ Alec’s handgoes up ] Alright, suit yourself.

Alec Voiceover: And Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”..

Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”: Hey, how’s it.. [ pause ] ..goin’!

Alec Voiceover: And there was Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi..

Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi: [ holds puppet out ] How ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: And Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington..

Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington: I got off at the wrongsubway stop.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro..

Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro: [ shown on TV set perched on barcounter ] Hey! Greetings from Tokyo! [ laughs ]

Alec Voiceover: And there was Anthony “Santa” DeJenko..

Anthony “Santa” DeJenko: [ walks past wearing Santa suit ] Hey, how’sit goin’?

Alec Voiceover: And the girls – “Cold Sore” Carol and Gina “The Clap”Vanetti..

Gina “The Clap” Vanetti: How come you don’t call me?

Alec Voiceover: You had “Out-of-Focus” Eddie..

“Out-of-Focus” Eddie: [ fuzzy camera view ] What ya’ lookin’ at..?

Alec Voiceover: And don’t forget Pete “The Pedophile”..

Pete “The Pedophile”: Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: And “Naked” Derek..

“Naked” Derek: [ naked ] Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: My sister’s friend, Johnnyy “The Informer”..

Johnny “The Informer”: [ talking into gun handle ] Hey, hey, Alec, justbetween youse and me, what’s the good word on the street? What’s goin’on, huh? [ points pistol at camera ]

Alec Voiceover: He wasn’t too popular. Also, there was Stacy”Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”..

Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”: How are ya’?

Alec Voiceover: She was real popular. And, of course, there wasEd “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: : Hi.

Alec Voiceover: .. who we decided to call that because he was acomplete idiot.

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: What’s up?

Alec Voiceover: You see, he was such a moron, the name kinda suggesteditself..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: Yeah, how ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: First, it was just Ed “The Idiot”, but it didn’tseem enough – hence, Ed “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: [ angry ] Alright, we get it! I’m an idiot!Move on!

Alec Baldwin: [ now stands in front of the camera ] And, of course,there I was. Those were great days back then. Everyone had a greatnickname, except me. Although, sometimes they used to call me “Wide Load”.I have no idea where that came from. [ walks off to reveal a huge butt, thenturns around ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Family Feud

Ray Combs…..Phil Hartman
Bob Fitzgerald…..Kevin Nealon
Karen Fitzgerald…..Julia Sweeney
Bob Fitzgerald, Jr……Jay Mohr
Jodie Fitzgerald…..Sarah Silverman
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger
…..Billy Baldwin
…..Stephen Baldwin
James Baldwin…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Family Feud game show show set ]

Don Pardo V/O: It’s time for the Family Feud! With your host, Ray Combs!

[ Ray Combs runs onto the sight, hyper and excited ]

Ray Combs: Alright! Thank you, Don Pardo! Let’s meet our families! First, let’s say hello to The Fitzgeralds! [ audience applauds as Ray steps up to The Fitzgeralds, an average-looking family of four ] Bob Fitzgerald, you’re the comptroller for a small trucking company in Shawnee mission, Kansas.

Bob Fitzgerald: [ meekly ] No?

Ray Combs: Sorry. [ flips through his index cards ] You’re a meat inspector from Duluth, Minnesota?

Bob Fitzgerald: That’s correct.

Ray Combs: Alright! Who do you have with you today, Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: [ pan across to Bob’s excited family ] Well, this is my wife, Karen; and this is my son from my first marriage, Bob, Jr.; and this is our foster child, Jodie, she’s a ward of the state.

Ray Combs: Alright! Let’s meet our second family! Say hello to The Baldwins! [ crosses set to approach The Baldwins ] Alright, Alec – it says that you’re a movie star from Hollywood, California!

Alec Baldwin: That’s correct, Ray.

Ray Combs: And who do you have with you today?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, my wife, Kim, she’s also a movie star from Hollywood; and, uh, my brother, Billy, he’s a movie star; my brother Stephen is also a movie star.

Stephen Baldwin: Yo!

Alec Baldwin: And, uh, filling in for my brother, Danny, is my cousin, author James Baldwin.

James Baldwin: It is my distinct pleasure to play the Feud.

Ray Combs: Okay! Baldwins, Fitzgeralds! You heard James – let’s play the Feuuuuuuud! [ Alec and Bob meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answerrs on the boared: Name something you’d find.. in the bathroom!

[ Alec quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Alec?

Alec Baldwin: Daily Variety!

[ members of The Baldwins clap and chant “Good answer!” ]

Ray Combs: Show me Daily Varietyyyyyyyy!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooooohhh.. Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. extra roll of toilet paper?

Ray Combs: Show me toilet paperrrrrrr!!

[ board reveals “Toilet Paper 53” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Very good! Bob! Play or pass?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. I think, uh.. uh, I think we’re gonna pass, it’s a tough one.

[ Alec and Bob return to their families ]

Ray Combs: Alright. [ approaches Kim ] Baldwins! Kim. Something you might find in a bathroom. Three seconds.

Kim Basinger: A People’s Choice award!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: She says a People’s Choice Award!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooohhh.. first strike. Let’s go to Billy. Billy, one hudred people surveyed: something you find in the bathroom.

Billy Baldwin: A fax machine.

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Can I see a fax machiiiiine!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooohhh.. two strikes. Another one, and, Fitzgeralds, get ready to steal. Steve. Tell me something you might find.. in a bathroom.

Stephen Baldwin: A People’s Choice award!

Ray Combs: That’s already been said. We’re looking for something that might be found in a bathroooooom.

Stephen Baldwin: A personal trainer!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me personal trainerrrrrrrr!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ohhhhhhh! Okay, over to The Fitzgeralds! [ approaches The Fitzgeralds ] What have we got?

[ The Fitzgeralds yell out various answers: towels, soap, plunger, toothpaste, etc. ]

Ray Combs: Bob, what’s it gonna be?

Bob Fitzgerald: Well, I heard a lot of good answers, but I’m gonna have to go with my gut. Toilet.

Ray Combs: I need a toileeeeeeeeeeeeett!

[ board reveals “Toilet 41” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Karen! Kim! Let’s play the Feud! [ Kim and Karen meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board: Name someone.. you might call in an emergency!

[ Kim quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Kim!

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: One hundred people surveyed – how many said Mike Oviiiiitz!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooooohhh.. sorry, Kim.

Kim Basinger: Who are these people? This is impossible!

Ray Combs: Look, why don’t we just skip this category, and give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Ray Combs: Billy! Bob, Jr.! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Kim and Karen return to their families, as Billy and Bob, Jr. meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: A hundred regular, average American citizens surveyed. Ordinary, run-of-the-mill Joes, Billy. Their top three answers on the board: Name a city you might find in The Bible!

[ Billy quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Billy?

Billy Baldwin: That would be Aspen.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, why don’t we move on with this one and just give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Kim Basinger: Come on!

Ray Combs: Oh, settle down, Kim! Now, let’s keep this moving. Stephen! Jodie! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Billy and Bob, Jr. return to their families, as Stephen and Jodie meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: Okay, final round, triple the points, so, Baldwins.. you still can win! [ flips ] Okay, okay! Steve. We surveted a hundred Hollywood actresses, top three answers on the board: Things you do over Christmas!

[ Stephen quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Stephen.

Stephen Baldwin: Liposuction!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me Liposuctiiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Liposuction 46” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Number One answer! [ approaches The Baldwins ] James Baldwin, one hundred actresses surveyed. Things you do over Christmas.

James Baldwin: Hmm.. I should know this.. [ thinking ] Ah, yes, uh.. breast reduction, like the OPunky Brewster girl.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Punky Brewster had a breast reductiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Breast Reduction 31” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Okay! One to go. Alec. [ in a whisper ] One hundred actresses surveyed.. something.. you do.. over Christmas.

Alec Baldwin: [ thinking ] Collagen injections!

Ray Combs: Barbara Hershey had it – collagen injections!

[ board reveals “Collagen Injections 26” in bottom slot ]

[ The Baldwins cheer their win ]

Ray Combs: Congratulations, Baldwins! You ran the category and.. win the game! Alright, it’s time for our Quick Money round! Who wants to play!

Baldwins: Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim!

Ray Combs: Kim! Join me over here, you have fifteen sdeconds! [ Kim follows Ray to the center of the set ] One hundred people surveyed – go! [ clock begins ticking ] A place you might go for a birthday.

Kim Basinger: Spago.

Ray Combs: Something you do before leaving work.

Kim Basinger: Call Spago!

Ray Combs: Something you might read on a bus.

Kim Basinger: Spago’s menu!

Ray Combs: A place where you might look for a lost sock.

Kim Basinger: Spago!

Ray Combs: And, someone you might call while on vacation.

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, you said Spago for almost every answer. Let’s see… Spagooooooooo!!

[ the board reveals blanks and zeroes all the way down, except for a single point for the Mike Ovitz answer ]

Ray Combs: Zero.. zero.. zero.. zero.. Mike Ovitz, 1! Okay! Each point is worth five dollars! Baldwins, you win five dollars!! Come on! [ all The Baldwins join Ray and Kim at the center of the set, as they wave goodbye ] That’s it, wave goodbye!

[ “Mark Goodson Production” logo appears on screen ]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Saturday Night Live”‘s 300th game show parody! Congratulations, guys!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Canteen Boy And The Scoutmaster

Scout Master…..Alec Baldwin
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
Boy scout #1…..Chris Farley
Boy scout #2…..David Spade
Boy scout #3…..Jay Mohr

[ Title card read by narrator in V/O: “The following sketch, “Canteen Boy and the Scout Master”, is based on actual events. It tells the story of Canteen Boy, a highly intelligent though quite eccentric 27 year-old who still lives with his mother, and who, despite his age, remains active in scouting. Certain elements of Canteen Boy’s story, such as his ability to summon snakes, have been added for dramatic effect.” ]

[ Establishment shot: Exterior, night, boy scouts and Scout Master are sitting around a fire camp, near a tent. ]

Scout Master: … and hanging on the car door… was a bloody HOOK!

Boy scouts #1 to #3: AAH!

Boy scout #1: Hey, I got a cool story mister Armstrong, but I can’t tell it until Canteen Boy gets back.

Scout Master: Where is Canteen Boy?

Boy scout #2: He’s right over there!

[ Camera switches to Canteen Boy, a few feet away from fire camp, staring at a wooden owl ]

Boy scout #3: Canteen Boy come over here!

Canteen Boy: Hang on a second fell- fellows, I got a bit of a situation here!

Boy scout #2: You can relax Canteen Boy that thing is made of wood.

Canteen Boy: [ Touches the owl ] So it is. [ Canteen Boy goes sit at the fire camp ] Good eye!

Boy scout #1: Hey Canteen Boy, I got a really scary ghost story! Once upon a time there was a moron, who always had a stupid canteen wrapped around his neck!

Canteen Boy: Hey, I think I’ve heard this tale before

Boy scout #1:… it was a dark and stormy night, and this moron went into the woods, and a huge bear came up and ripped his head off! – Just ‘cause he looked so stupid! – THE END! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Canteen Boy: Hey you wanna see something really scary? Look in the mirror! Mm-mm!

Boy scout #1: Ha-ha SHUT up Canteen Boy!

Canteen Boy: Hey you shut up!

Boy scout #1: What was that?

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

Scout Master: All right guys! Lay off Canteen Boy, You can hike on back to your tents and hit the hay! Come on! Let’s go! Let’s go! [ Boy scouts are leaving, disappointed, Scout Master holds Canteen Boy’s leg ] Not you Canteen Boy! I wanted to talk to you about something. I see you take a lot of ribbing from the other scouters.

Canteen Boy: Goes with the territory mister Armstrong – it’s sticks and stones!

Scout Master: [ Putting his arm around Canteen Boy’s shoulder ] Attaboy!.. [ Looking at Canteen Boy with lust in his eye ] You know, it seems like the moment you get out of the city, all the problems sort of, fade away… [ Scout Master feels Canteen Boy’s cheek with his nose ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy my – my beard is scratchy isn’t it?

Canteen Boy: [ Very uncomfortable with the situation ] No harm done!

Scout Master: [ Continues to feel Canteen Boy’s cheek ] My beard is scratchy Canteen Boy but it gives good back rubs…

Canteen Boy: Yeah um, yeah I’ll take a rain check on that mister Armstrong.

Scout Master: [ Tears his shirt apart ] Oops! My shirt fell off!

Canteen Boy: That’s a quick fix mister Armstrong just put it back on!

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s great Canteen Boy! Hey [Holds Canteen Boy back again, puts an hand on his leg and rubs it] Do you like wine?

Canteen Boy: Actually I prefer pure tap water um, right out of the ol’ canteen right here!

Scout Master: I’m going to get us a little…. wine…. [ Scout Master leaves ]

Canteen Boy: All right a little drop will not kill me I guess…

[ Canteen Boy hears a howl in the forest ]

Canteen Boy: Ooo-Ooo to you! Hey owl! if you’re so wise why don’t you go to sleep it’s the middle of the night! [ Canteen Boy is amused and proud of his remark. ]

[ Scout Master comes back, wearing a bath robe and holding two glasses of wine. Sits besides Canteen Boy ]

Scout Master: Ahhh… Here’s to the Great Outdoors! [ Scout Master intentionally spills wine over Canteen Boy’s sleeping bag ] Oops! Was that your sleeping bag? [ Canteen Boy’s get out of his wet sleeping bag ] You’d better share mine.. It’s Extra Large!

Canteen Boy: [ Naive about the invitation ] Sure why not, until mine dries off, it won’t take long it’s made of Gore-Tex.

Scout Master: Canteen Boy, would you um.. rub some bug repellent on my chest?

Canteen Boy: It’s February mister Armstrong I think all the bugs went down south to hibernate, I’ll be honest with you!

Scout Master: Humor me Canteen Boy!

[ Canteen Boy nervously applies lotion on Scout Master’s chest for a few seconds ]

Canteen Boy: There you go! No more bugs!

Scout Master: I have to apologize for my hairy chest, it can be a little scratchy…

Canteen Boy: Yeah.. my mom might like it as she’s a big Tom Selleck fan!

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re very funny Canteen Boy! [ Reaches out and holds Canteen Boy in his arms ] Make me laugh some more!

Canteen Boy: Actually, I left my joke book over in the tent, how about I go get it?

Scout Master: That’s okay Canteen Boy let’s just, lie here and… look at the stars…. [ Scout Master puts his mouth on Canteen Boy’s cheek and neck ] Do you know um… [ Takes Canteen Boy’s finger and suck it ] do you know how.. how to play… “Truth or Dare”…Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: Um, refresh me!

Scout Master: You choose between telling a secret… or doing a Dare…

Canteen Boy: All right: “Dare.”

[ Scout Master whispers something inaudible at Canteen Boy’s ear ]

Canteen Boy : [ Looking scared ] You know what mister Armstrong, let’s start off with the Truth!

Scout Master: I’ll tell you a Truth canteen Boy! You know what I hate? Underpants!

[ Scout Masters removes his underpants underneath his sleeping bag ]

Canteen Boy: Gee, I think if you worry about bugs, underpants would be your last line of defense!

Scout Master: [ Throwing his underpants away ] Problem solved!

Canteen Boy: Your problem’s solved but I think my problem’s just beginning! [ Scout Master forces Canteen Boy into spoon like position ] Aahhh What the hell is that?

Scout Master: I don’t know, it must have been a bed bug.

Canteen Boy: That was pretty big for a bed bug!

Scout Master: Okay it wasn’t a bed bug!

Canteen Boy: Let’s go back to saying it was a bed bug! Hey you know what, the park ranger just called! He said: “one camper per sleeping bag!” Sorry! Adios Amigos! [ Canteen Boy tries to leave sleeping bag, Scout Master holds him back ]

Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! God you make me laugh Canteen Boy!

[ Scout Masters holds Canteen Boy and falls asleep – the morning after…]

Scout Master: [ Wakes up ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy, I fell asleep before anything happened.

Canteen Boy: No harm done!

Scout Master: Well who’s hungry? I’m gonna go make us a power breakfast! [ Scout Master leaves ]

Canteen Boy: Okay…[ Canteen Boy gets up, whistles to summon snakes and runs away ]

Scout Master: [ Scout Master returns ] Canteen Boy have you ever had a Mimosa? Canteen Boy? [ Snakes “charge” at Scout Master from various location ] Ha! Ha! Ha!.. Canteen Boy you rascal!”

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Hosts:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 12th, 1994

Alec Baldwin

Kim Basinger

UB40

Billy Baldwin

Stephen Baldwin

Goodfellas

Baldwin remembers the weird names of his former mob buddies.

Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger’s Monologue

Baldwin & Basinger list deficiencies, but still love one another.

Canteen Boy And The Scout Master

Scout Master (Baldwin) cozies up with Canteen Boy (Adam Sandler).

Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip (Mike Myers) asks Robin (Basinger) to be his Valentine.

Recurring Characters: Phillip.

UB40 performs “C’est La Vie”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

After fumbled Valentine, Ike Turner (Tim Meadows) and Kevin Nealon sing “Proud Mary.”

Recurring Characters: Ike Turner.

Family Feud

Baldwin Family only gives Hollywood answers.

Romantic Man

Classic Hollywood-type romantic men (Baldwin, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers) sing
for woman (Julia Sweeney) and her boyfriend (Chris Farley).

The Adventures of Tiny Elvis

Tiny Elvis (Rob Schneider) is shrunk to microscopic size.

Recurring Characters: Tiny Elvis.

UB40 “Can’t Help Falling In Love”

Pyramid Of Pain

Mickey Ross (Baldwin) beats fat woman into losing weight.

Farley/Kim

Basinger and Chris Farley share a sweet moment in her dressing room.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 12

93l: Patrick Stewart / Salt-N-Pepa

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon

[rotating globe in outer space; music]Don Pardo V/O: “Weekend Update” with Kevin Nealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers and applause.Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon. Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin quickly assembles his papers. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevin at the desk]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

President Clinton lifted the 19-year-old trade embargo against Vietnamon Thursday. Since then, it was reported that Jane Fonda videos havebeen selling like hotcakes.

Also, Vietnam is expected to be a lucrative new market for such American products as California white wines, since they go so well with dog.

[picture of William “The Refrigerator” Perry] In a surpriseannouncement, President Clinton appointed William Perry to replace LesAspin as Secretary of Defense. Perry said, “A good defense is a goodoffense.”

President Clinton also told junior high school students in Washingtonthis week that sex is not a sport but a responsibility, and according to Arkansas state troopers, he used to be responsible four or five nights a week. [applause]

In other news, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan repudiated ananti-white, anti-Semitic speech by one of his aides, Khalid Muhammad,last week after pressure from Jesse Jackson, black congressionalleaders, and the Bow Tie Manufacturers of America.

In a related story, as a result of Khalid Muhammad’s statements, tourism in the Nation of Islam is expected to plunge.

Drug enforcement agents this week impounded a toilet paper makingmachine from Venezuela that was used to smuggle cocaine. Customofficials became suspicious when they heard the delivery man say,“Please don’t snort the Charmin.”

In other news, the space shuttle Discovery lifted off on Friday with the first Russian ever to be launched in an American spacecraft. Tests will be conducted aboard the shuttle to see how weightlessness affectswaiting in long bread lines.

Well, former Iran-Contra figure Oliver North announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate in Virginia last week. North said if elected, he would limit himself to two terms in Congress, which would just about complete his remaining hours of community service.

Violent protests by French fishermen, all over falling prices andcompetition, took place in France this week. At least two fishermen and fifteen policemen were injured, most of them boned and filleted.

To make a point, the defiant fishermen destroyed crates of fish, burneda building, and took Mrs. Paul hostage. More on that as it develops.

The phone company is recalling its new Yellow Pages due to a misprint. Apparently seventeen people took their own lives after the suicidehotline number was confused with Nike’s “1-800-JUST-DO-IT” number.

In a related story, 900 joggers were calmly talked out of buying newrunning shoes.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this quick primer on legal terminology:
[picture of Erik & Lyle Menendez] Shooting,
[picture of Lorena Bobbit] Knifing,
[picture of Tonya Harding] Clubbing,
[picture of Bills running back Thurman Thomas] Choaking. [applause]

And in entertainment, I’ll Do Anything opened in theaters acrossthe country this weekend. The movie is the story of Tonya Harding’sstrategy for making it to the Olympics.

In other entertainment news, actress Shannon Doherty can be seen nude in an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. Doherty said she decided to pose for the periodical after she found her clothes to beunreasonable and difficult to work with.

In sports news, former NBA star Michael Jordan has accepted a tryoutinvitation from baseball’s Chicago White Sox. Always a perfectionist,Jordan says he’ll play only if he’s good enough for Major League-caliber ball. If not, he’ll play for the Mets. [applause]

Well, two new studies this week claim that smoking can increase aperson’s risk of colon cancer, although both studies admitted that thesmokers who are most likely to suffer from colon cancer are those whoinhale really, really deep.

In a related story, a new study finds almost no connection between hairdye and fatal cancers unless, of course, you are using Red Dye #2.[picture of Bozo the Clown] You may want to stay away from that.

And our final story, the Walt Disney Company closed a deal this week torenovate a 42nd Street movie house in the heart of Times Square. Inhonor of the move, local hookers have asked to be greeted, “Hi ho, hi ho.”

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

[cheers and applause as Kevin shuffles his papers; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts