Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 9

90i: Dennis Quaid / The Neville Brothers

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

George Bush: Good evening. Happy holidays to you all. Once against it’s that festive season. Tonight our Jewish friends observe the fifth night of Hanukkah, the celebration of a military victory won centuries ago in a part of the world where today 400,000 brave Americans await my order to annihilate Iraq. None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in- chief. I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won’t, but then again, I might. And if we do go to war, I can assure you—it will not be another Vietnam. Because we learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: “Stay out of Vietnam.” They’ll beat you bad, b-a-a-d. But this time is different, because the world is behind us. Critics say, why is the U.S. doing all the work? Not true. Seventy-eight countries are contributing to Operation Desert Shield. Not all are sending troops—sure. But giving what they are able. From Belgium, nylon helmut covers. From Nwe Zealand, socks, ranging from sizes six through twelve. Six is small. Twelve, that’s big. Me, I’m a ten and a half. Could wear a ten. Wouldn’t be prudent. From the Congo, Ray-Ban sunglasses—two pair. From Yugoslayia, men’s swimming trunks. From Mexico, salsa. And the list goes on. You see, world behind us, not like Vietnam. And this time, our strike will be swift and deadly. I know you’re watching, Saddam. And time is running out. The deadline—the morning of January fifteenth. One month from today. And when that morning dawns, you won’t be hearing the chirping birds. You’ll be hearing something very different—something like this…

[Bomb whistle]

George Bush: Then nuthin’. You wait—KABOOM! Then…

[Bomb whistle]

George Bush: —nuthin’, you’re lucky it’s a dud. Then—

[Bomb whistle]

George Bush: —KABOOM! Short fuse, heh, heh, heh. And finally the las thing you’ll hear as you pass into oblivion: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Keaton Safar

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 15th, 1990

Dennis Quaid

The Neville Brothers

None

Jon Lovitz
A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Dennis Quaid’s Monologue

Dysfunctional Family ChristmasTranscript

Sally Jessy RaphaelRecurring Characters: Sally Jessy Raphael.

Family Loves Ex-Boyfriend

The Neville Brothers perform “Brother Jake”Also Appeared: 85k.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man, Grumpy Old Man.

Massage Students

Renegade Pilot

SprocketsRecurring Characters: Dieter.

The Neville Brothers perform “River of Life”

Schillervision Theatre

The Specialty Songs Of Cal McLane, Jr.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
2nd Dennis Miller … Dana Carvey
3rd Dennis Miller … Tom Hanks

b>Music Intro: “Instant Karma” by JohnLennon.

[A hip-swiveling Statue of Liberty grooves to the beatagainst a red-hued New York City skyline as a graphicreads: WEEKEND UPDATE/ DENNIS MILLER. Cheers andapplause.]

Don Pardo V/O: And, now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller!

[Dissolve to Dennis at the WU desk where he, too,grooves to the beat.]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, andwhat can I tell you?

This week, after ordering the release of all foreignhostages, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein reiteratedhis vow to never get out of Kuwait — that’s final.Hearing the news while visiting South America,President Bush bristled and, in an effort to sendHussein a strong message, squeezed a piece ofanthracite coal into a diamond. [Photo of Bushgritting his teeth while making a fist] …

Twenty-three of the departing hostages were about toleave today but, when they found out their flight wason Northwest Airlines, they chose to stay. …[applause]

Iraqi airports — one of the few airports in the worldwhere they have a metal detector when you getoff the plane. …

In the Persian Gulf this week, some of the U.S. Armysoldiers were tricked into selling their M-1 tank fora bag of, quote, “magic sand.” … The – the soldiersnow plan to trade an Apache helicopter for some “magicwater” because without magic water, the magic sandjust won’t work. …

And actress Brooke Shields was denied a visa this weekto visit our troops in Saudi Arabia for the holidays.Spokesmen in the Gulf said, “First off, she’s abeautiful young woman. Secondly, she often wearsscanty clothing. And third, and most importantly, didyou see Blue Lagoon? What in the hell was THATall about?” …

The United States has begun a secret airlift of agroup of anti-Qaddafi Libyans living in Chad. In arelated story, the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chadsaid that their new album, “We are the Anti-QaddafiLibyans Living in Chad” will be out in late January…. And, you know, if you haven’t seen theAnti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad live, you arereally missing something. …

General Colin Powell, Chairman of the U.S. JointChiefs of Staff, met this week with British PrimeMinister John Major to talk about the Gulf crisis at10 Downing Street. Powell then went to the suburbs ofLondon where he inspected a dirty Q-Tip factory.[Photo of Powell inspecting British Beefeaters, theirblack fur helmets looking like dirty cotton swabs]…

The FBI monitored over fourteen hundred telephonecalls made by General Manuel Noriega from his prisoncell between February and November. The FBI expressedconcern over language it believed may have includedencoded messages concerning drug and money transferssuch as the following passage: “Tell the Domino’sPizza in Bogota that I want ten thousand grams oftheir best pizza delivered to my friend Jaime Escolarin Miami. … He is very, very hungry and will pay incash or deutschemarks.” …

Pope John Paul II appeared on the balcony in VaticanCity this week to speak an encyclical to over threehundred thousand people but then turned and ran inconfusion when the crowd greeted him with Arsenio’s”woof woof woof” thing. [Dennis demonstrates] …[applause]

In an effort to diminish further misunderstanding,Jewish and Catholic leaders met at the Vatican thisweek to begin a dialogue. Here are some of thedialogue excerpts: “You did, too, kill Him.” “We didnot.” “Did, too!” “Did not!” … The two groups hopeto reach an agreement sometime next century….

To help relieve the Russian food crisis, the U.S. hasbeen sending as much aid as they can afford. Thirtythousand cases of black licorice, a similar amount ofprune juice, and a couple cases of beets have beensent over so far. And there are plans to send morestuff nobody here likes — and they’re now underway….

After weeks of mounting tension, a million dollars atstake, and the World Chess Championship on the line,Garry Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took off all ofhis clothes and yelled, “Yahtzee!” …[applause] Thank you.

[Photo of unidentified mustachioed Mideasterner]Ladies? Beware of this man. He will attempt to romanceyou away from your husband. …

And the New York City Board of Education isconsidering a cucumber curic’lem – curriculum … inorder to teach students how to use condoms. It hasdevised a program in which students will be given twocondoms and a cucumber or a zucchini on which to putthe condom to demonstrate how it is used. … Astudent body spokesman, Billy Eckhart, said, “Great. Igot enough peer pressure. Now, I’ve gotta spend therest of my life trying to live up to vegetables. …Yeah. Isn’t there–? [cheers and applause] Isn’t theresome way we can demonstrate these things on those babycorns you get at Thai restaurants?” …

[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle standing next toan auctioneer] And Christie’s auction house onManhattan’s East Side this week, auctioned off DanQuayle at their annual Curiosity Sale. … Quaylebrought thirty-eight dollars and forty cents at theauction but was returned later in the day by anunidentified buyer from Houston, Texas because he saidthe Vice President was broken. …

Singer Sinead O’Connor this week told journalistMarcelle Clements that she has a preference for blackmen. The singer said, “I don’t just like black men, Ilike dark-skinned men with dark hair, dark features.They must be over thirty years old, drug free and haveplenty of facial hair.” [Photo of actor Redd Foxx asFred Sanford from the TV sitcom “Sanford and Son”]When contacted, junkman Fred Sanford said, “I’mcomin’, Sinead! This is the big one, baby!” …[cheers and applause]

And Edward Scissorhands and Captain Hook were bothkilled this week when they high-fived each other at anapres-premiere party at New York City’s Hard RockCafe.

Well, you know what? It’s that time of the year,folks, and to get you into the festive spirit a littleearly, I thought I’d sing a Christmas carol. Assistingme will, of course, be — me. Hey,squeeb-squaw.

[Pull back to reveal a second Dennis Miller — withmatching suit, tie, blow-dry haircut, pencil and sheafof papers — sitting next to the real Dennis.]

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, keakoe. …

Dennis Miller: You wanna try “JingleBells”?

2nd Dennis Miller: I think we need three partharmony for that one, baba ganoush. …

Dennis Miller: Baba ganoush?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, lighten up, CaptainHairdo. You’re the one who talks like this,okaaaaay?

Dennis Miller: All right, bring up the newguy.

2nd Dennis Miller: [calls off] Hey,waterpick!

[A third Dennis Miller rolls into view, clucking andshaking his head, Dennis Miller-style. The two mockDennises cluck and draw cheers and applause, much tothe real Dennis’ embarrassment.]

Dennis Miller: All right. Let’s – let’s – let’s- let’s – let’s – let’s just– Let’s just sing thissong, okay?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, chill out, MitchMiller! Okay, Quak-a-po-keek-ko-quawk.

Dennis Miller: All right, all right. Let megive you the tone here. [takes out a pitch pipe andblows a note]

3rd Dennis Miller: Ho, ho, where’d you pickthat up? Juilliard, babe?

Dennis Miller: [to the crowd] I’ve created anattitude monster. [to his fellow Millers] Let’s justsing, all right?

2nd Dennis Miller: Okay.

Dennis Miller: One, two, three —

All Three Dennis Millers: [singing]
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
Babe!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
[simultaneously running their hands through theirblow-dried hair]
Dashing through the snow
[snow begins to fall from above]

2nd Dennis Miller: In a one horse opensleigh

3rd Dennis Miller: O’er the fields wego

All Three Dennis Millers:
Laughing all the way
[simultaneously doing Dennis’ trademark high-pitched”ha haaa” laugh]

Dennis Miller: Bells on Bob-tail’sring

2nd Dennis Miller: [spoken] Hey, what thehell’s a “bob-tail,” cha-cha?

3rd Dennis Miller:
Don’t be a big pain in the ass
Just sing the freakin’ song
Ho!

All Three Dennis Millers:
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Babe!
Oh, what fun …

[The mock Millers lapse into clucking, shaking theirheads, running their hands through their hair. Thereal Dennis gets fed up.]

Dennis Miller: Enough! Enough! Enough!

All Three Dennis Millers: [finishing thesong]
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse opensleigh!
[spoken]
Guess what, folks? That’s the news and we are out ofhere!

[The three Millers do Dennis’ trademark pencil in theair signature and groove to “Instant Karma” — cheersand applause as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 8

90h: Tom Hanks / Edie Brickell & New Bohemians

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

…..Tom Hanks
Sean the Doorman…..Conan O’Brien
…..Paul Simon
…..Steve Martin
…..Elliott Gould
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Ralph Nader

Tom Hanks: Believe it or not, this is the fifth “Saturday Night Live” I have been lucky enough to host. Now, the first time you do the show, you can’t believe you’re here. You just can’t believe it. Your head buzzes with excitement. The second time you do the show, it means you were funny enough to be asked back – and you’re pushing a movie. The third time you do the show, the second time didn’t go so well, and you have something to prove to yourself. The fourth time you do the show, you’re just blatantly pushing a movie. But the fifth time you do the show is the most special time of all, because you get this.. [ holds up a card ] ..a membership card in the Five-Timers Club. Come with me.. [ walks off the stage ] I’m gonna give you a chance to lookin on one of the most exclusive clubs in the world.

Sean the Doorman: Welcome, Mr. Hanks. Once again, congratulations on your fifth appearance.

Tom Hanks: Thank you, it’s a real thrill.

Sean the Doorman: Mr. Hanks, would you like your club robe now?

Tom Hanks: Boy, would I! Thank you..

Sean the Doorman: Sean.

Tom Hanks: ..”Sean.” [ walks in ]

Paul Simon: Tom! Congratulations! Welcome aboard!

Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Simon.

Paul Simon: Please, call me Paul.

Tom Hanks: Okay! “Paul.”

Paul Simon: You know, we’ve had our eye on you ever since your third show. We knew you’d made five.

Tom Hanks: Wow, that’s flattering.

Paul Simon: Yes. There was some concern after “Joe Vs. The Volcano”, but you made it, and good for you!

Tom Hanks: Thanks.

Paul Simon: Step into the reading room. I think you’ll like it.Steve, look who’s joined us.

Steve Martin: Tom, Tom old bean! Let’s have a look at you. That robe fits you smashingly.

Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Martin.

Steve Martin: Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.

Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.

Steve Martin: Whoa! I think someone needs to learn the club handshake. [ demonstrate an unusual handshake with Paul Simon ] Tom, sit down. You know, I hope you appreciate the responsibility that comes with being a fiver. Let’s be frank – it takes a certain caliber of performer to earn that fifth show.

Elliott Gould: [steps into the room with a towel wrapped around his shoulder ] Hey, Steven! You really ought to take a dip. The pool’s a perfect eighty degrees.

Steve Martin: He practically lives here.

Elliott Gould: Tom Hanks! Welcome aboard!

Tom Hanks: Hi, Mr. Gould.

Elliot Gould: Mazel tov, old man. You know, it is much easier to get five nowadays. Nothing against you, Tom. Let’s get you fixed up. Care for some supper?

Tom Hanks: Sure!

Elliot Gould: Waiter!

Jon Lovitz: [ enters, carrying menus ] Here you are, Mr. Gould.Welcome, Mr. Hanks.

Tom Hanks: Jon, you work here?

Jon Lovitz: Work is work.

Steve Martin: I’ll have the Chevy Chase, and easy on the ham this time.

Jon Lovitz: Good choice, Mr. Steve Martin.

Tom Hanks: Wow. So many choices. What do I do?

Steve Martin: Try the Anthony Michael Hall. It’s surprisingly good.

Paul Simon: I’ll have the Joe Piscopo.

Steve Martin: [ disapproving ] Really?

Jon Lovitz: And to drink?

Tom Hanks: I’ll have a beer.

Jon Lovitz: Anyone else?

Elliot Gould: I’ll have a Jenny Craig protein shake.

Sean the Doorman: Jon, we’re having that problem again at the door.

Jon Lovitz: I’ll handle it. [ approaches door and addresses Ralph Nader ] Mr. Nader, I’ve told you before, this club is for members only.

Ralph Nader: [ waving an old script ] But I’ve hosted the show! I swear!

Jon Lovitz: Sorry, sir, five-timers only.

Ralph Nader: See.. there’s Steve Martin, there’s Paul Simon.. Tom Hanks just joined!

Jon Lovitz: Out! All of you! Out! I got rid of him, gentlemen.

Paul Simon: Very good, Jon.

Elliot Gould: [ sniffing ] I smell something burning.

Jon Lovitz: My muffins! [ runs off ]

Tom Hanks: Well, everyone, this has been a thrill, but I have to go finish the rest of the monologue.

Elliot Gould: What are you talking about? You can do it from here.

Tom Hanks: What?

Steve Martin: Of course! You’re a five-timer! You don’t need to be there! You can phone it in!

Tom Hanks: Really?

Paul Simon: Sure! Elliott, hand him the club phone.

Elliot Gould: This is a direct line to the studio.

Tom Hanks: Hey, great!

Steve Martin: [ hands Tom a pipe ] Make yourself comfortable, boy! Say whatever you want!

Tom Hanks: Well, okay. [ into the phone ] Uh.. we’ve got a great show! Edie Brickell is here!

All: Well done, good job, son.

Tom Hanks: We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Global Warming Christmas Special

Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Ralph Nader
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney

Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan!

[ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.

[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]

Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..

[ singing ]

“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”

Dean Martin:
“When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”

Carl Sagan:
“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”

Dean Martin:
“Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”

Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]

Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!

Together: “‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorimnoent.

Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.

Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!

Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.

Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?

Carl Sagan: Please.

[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]

Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]

Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?

Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]

Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks

Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city!

[ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]

Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?

Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, thec other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.

Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!

Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.

Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?

Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.

Dean Martin: Hmm..

Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!

Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!

Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]

Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..

Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]

George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]

Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.

[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]

Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

[ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: Mr. Dom DeLuise!

[ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]

Dean Martin: Miss Petula Clark!

[ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?

Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.

Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

[ Lydia hugs Carl ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!

Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Game Beaters

Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks
Host…..Phil Hartman
Susan Carlisle…..Victoria Jackson
…..Tony Randall

[ Shot : Game Beaters game show sets ]

V/O Announcer : It’s time once again for Game Beaters, here’s your host, Witt Trildy!

Host : Hello everybody! Hello contestants! Thank you! Thank you! We’ve got a lot of prizes to win so let’s dive right into our first question. Hands over buzzers please. “Who was the only American President to serve two non-consecutive terms?”

[ Jeff hits his buzzer]

Host : Jeff!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes!

Host : Don’t you have an answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : We, I will just as soon as I hear a question!

[Mister Short-Term Memory title card appears. SUPER: Mister Short-Term Memory]

Jingle: “Mr. Short-Term Memory.
He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree.
Now there’s just no remedy.
He’ll frustrate you so
But he’ll never know.
‘Cause he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

[ Title card reads: “Tonight’s episode: “THE GAME SHOW ” ]

V/O : Tonight’s episode: “THE GAME SHOW “

[ Shot : Back to Game Beaters game show sets ]

Host : Okay, we’ll get back to our questions in a minute but first let’s meet our contestants

Mr. Short-Term Memory : I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

Host : Beautiful weather up there!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Up where?

Host : S-San Bernardino.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey I’m from San Bernardino! I’m from there! You should visit up there sometime the weather there is lovely.

Host : … Okay! And your opponent?

Susan Carlisle : Susan Carlisle from Reading, Pennsylvania!

Host : Welcome Susan

Mr. Short-Term Memory : And I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

Host : … Alright! Well let’s go back and try that question again : “Who was the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms?”

[ Jeff hits his buzzer ]

Host : Okay, Jeff what’s your answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : To what?

Host : The question! Can you answer the question?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Why you giving me the third degree, I didn’t do anything?

Host : Jeff your on Game Beaters here, you’re a contestant.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : I am? Oh my God! Yes! Ha-Ha! Alright! Alright! Ha-Ha Ha-Haaa Ha-Haaaa.. Alright let’s star! the game! Witt!

Host : …Uh… Welcome to the game Jeff! We’ve uh… changed the format a bit. We don’t play the buzzer round anymore and we’re gonna go right to the elimination question.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow that’s a quick game!

Host :  Yes, yes it is. Contestants! Get ready to write down your answer to this question: “What country gave us the Statue of Liberty?”

[ 5 seconds pause, contestants write their answers, then a bell rings ]

Host : Okay, now we’re rolling! Jeff what’s the answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Well, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to disqualify myself as someone has already written “France” on my card. Could I possibly get a fresh one? I mean this is a network show isn’t it?

Host : No “France” is correct. Susan what’s your answer?

Susan Carlisle : Uh, I wrote “Canada”

Host : [ rolls his eyes ] Great!… Well Jeff, that’s makes you our champion so you get to stay and keep playing.

Susan Carlisle : I’m sorry [ leaves the set ]

Host : Just- Just go!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey where is she going? You haven’t even asked us a question yet!

Host :…Jeff we’ve changed our format a bit, instead of playing the game we’re just gonna declare you the champion and give you one thousand dollars.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow! Ha-Haaa!

Host : Here’s today’s showcase, spend your thousand on whatever you want.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh Cool um, I–I’ll take the color TV for 300.

Host : Alright that leaves you with 700.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : And let’s see, uh, I’ll take the color TV for 300.

Host : … Fine, that leaves you with 400.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh! A color TV! I need one of those!

Host : … And the final hundred will carry over! And now it’s time for the celebrity Lightning round, so Jeff meet your celebrity partner, mister Tony Randall!

[Tony Randall enters the set ]

Tony Randall : [ to the crowd ] Thank you! Thank you!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow! Wow! Oh! I can’t- I don’t- I don’t’ know, I don’t know how-! Tony Randall! I am a big fan of yours!

Tony Randall : Nice to meet you Jeff.

Host : Okay Gentlemen you know the rules! Jeff will give the clues and Tony will receive.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ turns to Tony again ] Wow! Tony Randall! Hey! I am a big fan of yours!

Tony Randall : Good. Good.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ picks a fresh card ] Oh, could I have your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please-

Tony Randall : Now?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes! Yes! please- please- please- please- please- please- [ hands him the card ]

Tony Randall : [ writes his autograph, then gives the card back ] Here you go!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ looks at the card ] What is this? “Tony Randall”? What you just hand these out to people you meet? That’s a little sad.

Tony Randall : You just asked me for it! You begged!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wha- [ turns to Tony again] Tony Randall!

Host : Okay just.. just deal with him, Tony okay? Alright Jeff ten clues for 45 seconds and if you get them all Jeff you will go home with 10 thousand dollars.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh, great! I really need a color TV.

Host : Alright just let’s get started GO!

[ SUPER : countdown 45 seconds ]

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Okay um, okay uh, You- you- you- you slip these on- on your feet uh…

Tony Randall : Sock!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes! Okay, okay Boy! Okay These- these- you- you- you- pull on over your feet and- and- and- you- you- pull–

Tony Randall : Socks! We just got them!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Okay! Okay! Alright um, alright, you- you- wear these on your feet and uh-

Tony Randall : Hey we’ve got that one already go on!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! Are you Tony Randall?

Tony Randall : Of course I am!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh could I have your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please-

Tony Randall : NO!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Well, somebody is not as big as a star as they think they are.

Tony Randall : Witt are you listening to this?

Host : Just play the game Jeff you only have a few seconds left now come on!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : A few seconds? Everyone else gets a minute!

Tony Randall : Come on give me a clue!

[ Buzzer rings end of lightning round ]

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Alright, alright, okay. These, you put on over your feet and—

Host : Alright I’m sorry, you’re time’s up.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh nice going it was “Sock” you brainiac!

Host : Ah Jeff that’s all the time we have here for today but don’t worry we’ll be back tomorrow to defend your title and pair up with Tony again, right Tony?

Tony Randall : Just a moment please… Hello… I’m Tony Randall.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Tony Randall!!!

Tony Randall : Yes! And you’re Jeff Morrow aren’t you!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yeah! Yeah! I am! But how did you know that?

Tony Randall : Oh I know a lot of things about you. I know you’re from San Bernardino!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yeah! I am!

Tony Randall : And I also know that you’re life is in great danger, and that you must leave the country as fast as possible!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh no! You sure?

Tony Randall : Oh yes I’m sure! I also know that you’re from San Bernardino!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! I am! Wow! I’ve got to get out of here! Thanks! [ leaves the set ]

Host : That was brilliant! I don’t know what to say!

Tony Randall : Well stay trainee you know you’ll learn a thing on your feet. Once when I was playing M. Butterfly, a women stood up in the audience and exposed herself-

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! Did I hear Tony Randall, I did! I’m a big fan of yours! Can I get your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please-

[Mister Short-Term Memory title card appears. SUPER: Mister Short-Term Memory]

Jingle: “He’ll win you yet
And then he’ll forget
That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts