Sam: Hi. I’m sam Walton, owner of the Wal-mart shoppingchain and one of the richest men in America. As you know there’s a lot of talk in Washington about raising taxes on the so called super rich. And as you can imagine that idea doesn’t sit too well with me. So here’s my offer. If you write your congressmen and tell him you opposethis tax plan, I’ll pay you $100,000. That right $100,000 in cash just for writing a letter to your congressmen. All you do is make a photocopy, mail it to my Arkansas headquarters and you get your money in five business days. Now I know some of you are wondering, how it could be in my interest to pay each of the 130 million American voters $100,000 a piece just to avoid a three percent tax hike? Well you just let me worry about that. Just write your letter, sit back and I’ll do the rest. Good night. That’s $100,000. God bless.
Announcer: Limit of two letters per household, Return postage required.
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening and what can I tell you?
Today both the House and the Senate approved the package that will cut the federal deficit by 500 billion dollars. 100 billion will come from a 5 percent increase in gasoline taxes and serve charge on tobacco, alcohol and other luxury items. The balance 400 billion will come from the TV rights to the Buster Douglas/Mayor Marion Barry fight in Las Vegas next year.
President Bush and republican congressial leaders were all smiles as the budget fight seemed to be nearly resolved. Bush’s joy however was tempered somewhat by the fact that while killing time during the lengthy and tedious negotiations. He foolishly Krazy Glued his right eye shut.
Representative Donald E Buzz Lukens resigned from congress this week in the face of charges that he sexually propositioned a young female elevator operator in the capital. Lukens’ defendant himself claiming the operator misunderstood her pin when he said “I like to get off here.” In response the operator insisted that Lukens made his request in between floors.
(pictured George looking at Barbara Bush) “Hi there. My name’s George. I’m the president.”
The U.S Embassy in Kuwait has overcome a water shortage by digging a well in the embassy’s backyard and striking water. When jubilant relatives of embassy staffers in the United States were apprised of this they cheered, and a kinfolk issued a carefully worded statement in which they said “They ought to move away from there. Califonia’s the place they ought to be.” The last word we have is that the Embassy staffers loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly. Swimming pools. Movie stars. The Professor and Mary Anne.
(Pictured some gray haired guy) “Oh boy I hope they don’t ask me to touch my nose!”
As if New Yorkers weren’t aware that drugs were overrunning their city they were reminded of that fact this week by some of the unusual classified ads that are turning up in New York Newspaper Real Estate sections “Your Dream Crack House 6 labs with a view. Owner must sell going away for a long long long time.”
And Evander Holyfield became the new heavyweight champion of the world Thursday night in Las Vegas when he knocked out defending champion James Buster Douglas in the third round. Our shotgun Mike picked up the voice of Buster as he hit the canvas.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
You knew that one was going to work. And Buster unwound from the fight by relaxing in the Mirage hotel pool to recuperate from a cut he received around the blow hole. Holyfield asked how he keeps in shape said that in addition to a regular training schedule he really enjoys working out with horses it is not believed that the horses enjoy working with him.
In a follow up to the Judas Priest trial five jurors have committed suicide. Brett Eastenellis popular novelist of books such as Less Than Zero recently asked Phil Collins permission to quote from his songs and his upcoming work. The new novel is based on Orson Welles’ “Citizen Kane”, except in this updated version instead of “Rosebud”, Kane’s last word is “Sussudio.”
Dennis Miller: And here now with the Big Picture is A. Whitney Brown. Welcome back Whitney.
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you Dennis, pleasure to be here. Thank you. Well my friends Election Day is just around the corner and I know it’s not pleasant but look at it this way, everyone of those 435 congressinal representatives has his or her neck on the block. So cheer up it could be a lot of fun. That is if the polls are not shut down along with the rest of the government. Of course the candidates are not very much this year. In fact voting in this election is like trying to decide which street mine to stop and watch. Sometimes one candiate issuch a porkfed peabrain that is even an embarrassment on Capitol Hill and in that case the choice is easy. But we can’t all live in North Carolina. Just because the senator’s a fatheaded protengious windbag that doesn’t mean he’s not a cut above the people he represents. Every fact that anyone is willing to do what it takes to get elected these days should be an automatic disqualification. Friends this time reality has got our congressmen surrounded. Nobody likes to pay taxes except maybe the Swedes. But we got to pay this deadoff. It’s physically sickening to think that for the next 30 years all thetaxes from the first 2 and a half months of every American worker’s paycheck will go straight to rich Japanese bankers to pay the interest on money we borrowed so Ronald Reagan could make Walter Mondale look stupid. We’re 3 trillion in debt plus interest now for all we know that’s more money than there is in the world. On this budget we’re trying to Nickel and Dime our way out of it. We call ourselves tightening our belts because we raise gas taxes a nickel a gallon. Maybe the president uses 100 gallons of gas to catch one scrawny bluefish but for the average driver that adds up to 40 bucks a year.C’mon now Americans stop whining. Course they don’t dare touch Social Security which is nice. Even though I doubt if my generation will ever get to touch it either. I think we’re all going to be buying our poligrip and dog food with a shoe box and government IOU’s Because that what we’ll inherit when we turn 65. Our children on the other hand will inherit over 3 trillion dollars in debt and a voter turnout is no better than it usually is. There’s a good chance they’ll also inherit our congress. Or should I say inherit thewind. Anyway that’s the Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you Whitney!
And Humprey the lost whale who captured America’s heart after getting lost in San Francisco’s bay 5 years ago is back and this time he’s stuck in the mud under the bay. Scientist recognized Humprey by the markings on his tail and the fact that once again Humprey’s fish head was up his fish ass. I know he’s not exactly a fish but mammal head up mammal ass didn’t sound half as good.
Batman comics this week unveiled a new Robin, Timothy Drake the newest and perhaps most intelligent boy wonder replacing the previous Robin who was killed by the Joker two years ago. Looks like this Robin spent a little too much time sliding down the bat pole huh? And it was announced this week that Superman of DC comic book fame will in an upcoming issue marry Lois Lane. The dilemma being that Lois still has no idea that Clark Kent is really Superman. I guess she justthinks he’s really really really good in bed huh?
Old time latin band leader Xavier Cougat died yesterday in Barcelona Spain. Cougat was 90 his band was 115.
Scientists have discovered a new device which offers help to infertal women by opening blocked fallopian tubes with a balloon. The accidental discovery occurred during an earthquake at a Ringling Brothers show.
As of yet there have been no deaths attriubited to the killer bees in Texas. However two bees were caught this week planning a murder.
(Dan Quayle is pictured in a QB position behind a football center who has his hand tucked underneath) Vice president Quayle posed for yet another awkward photo opportunity this week. Does anybody remember when politicians just shook hands? I don’t know. Let me try another one. I don’t know but find my car keys and I’ll drive us out. You know I always heard he never entered the guard. I’m sorry but he makes it so damn easy.
Daylight savings time ends tonight so we set our clocks back and gain and hour. To compensate tomorrow night on CBS, 60 Minutes will be shown twice
Dennis Miller: Guess what folks, that’s the news and I am outta here!
Announcer: Welcome to Pumping Up with Hans & Franz the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.
Hans: Alright welcome. We’re back! (Crowd applauds) Now once again I’m Hans.
Franz: And I’m Franz. And —
Both: we just want to PUMP (Clap) YOU UP!!
Hans: Alright we’ve been on the body court for the last 4 months. Some 300 scientists of 23 countries made an exhausted study of our bodies to try and find out if we were real.
Franz: Yeah that’s right. Could two men be this perfect? Is it genetically possible? Answer: yeah.
Hans: Conclusion affrimative. Now I know we seem not to be real because we are beyond belief but you can stop pinching yourself.
Franz: Yeah that’s right. Wake up and smell the muscles.
Hans: All right enough talk. We’re not here to recite dry scientific jargon. We’re here to introduce our first…
Both: (Clap) Guest!
Franz: All right ladies and gentlemen at this time. Please welcome international film star. Mr Patrick Swayze!
(Patrick enters to applause)
Patrick: Thanks for having me on. I’m a big fan.
Hans: Yeah, well find me someone who’s not.
Franz: Now Patrick this summer, we saw you in the movie called “The Ghost”. Now its theme is the internal struggle between good and evil. The pumped up VS The flabby.
Hans: That’s right. In case you haven’t seen the movie, Patrick plays a properly pumped up man who rises to heaven. While the girly man loser is sucked down into his loser hole where he remains eternially flabby!
Patrick: Well that’s pretty much what we were trying to say with the film.
Hans: Right We know that, We know that. You know Patrick, Franz and I are big fans of your work. and we think you are you are one of the greatest non Arnold actors working today.
Patrick: Wow thank you. That’s really nice to hear.
Franz: And we understand that your film is the highest grossing film of the year. Even though it lacked a Schwarzeneggerian element.
Patrick: Well we are pleased with the success of “Ghost” but we didn’t mean any disrespect to Mr. Schwarzenegger.
Hans: I’m sure Arnold is not threatened.
Franz: I think not.
Hans: Give me break, alright. Anyway I understand you have a new book out, Patrick.
Patrick: (As Franz shows the book) Yes it’s called Fitness and Flexibility the Swayze Way.
Franz: Sounds interesting.
Patrick: I feel that, compared to muscular strength, flexibility is often neglected, you know?
Franz: I tell you something, Patrick, we know all about flexibilty.
Hans: Here’s some flexibilty for you! (They pose)
Patrick: That’s good but I’m talking about a different kind of flexibilty.
Hans: Yeah.
Patrick: This kind where you… get down Harold. (Gets down on the floor and does a split.) Come on try.
Hans: Yeah we can do it.
Franz: That’s not important. (They try to split but can’t get down as far.) You know either way.
Hans: It’s all flexibilty. (Patrick gets up)
Franz: All right Patrick thank you for dropping by and dropping in.
Patrick: Thank you for having me.
Hans: Patrick Swayze thank you. (Patrick leaves) You know Franz. I have to say. I’m sure our viewers out there will agree. I’m very impressed with Mr. Swayze’s flexibilty. You know for a non-Arnold actor he was very pumped up.
Franz: Yeah I suppose…
Hans: I was particularly impressed by the lift of his sturdy buttock muscle and the firmness of his hairless pectoral.
Franz: Yeah I agree.
Hans: I couldn’t help but thinking of how well his chest area, properly oiled, would do in competition.
Franz: (Thinking) What are all these feeling I’m experiencing? Why do I keep thinking about Patrick Swayze wanting to get to know him better and to possibly work and train with him. What do these feelings mean?
Hans: Franz! Franz, I asked you a question.
Franz: Oh I’m sorry Hans!
Hans: I asked you what you thought about the angle of his body crease and how well porportioned it’s doing?
Franz: Well I didn’t notice.
Hans: What do you mean you didn’t notice? How could you not notice?! You did not notice his buttocks? They were so out thrust and nicely contoured.
Franz: (Thinking) Why is Hans doing this to me? Why does he keep tormenting me this way? I must drive these thoughts away. I must pommel them out of my mind. Pummel out, pummel out, pummel out, pummel out, pummel out!
Hans: I mean get out of here you didn’t notice his buttocks! What do you mean you didn’t notice his buttocks? I’ve known you for 17 years Franz. You never cease to amaze me Franz. You can practicallyreach out and firm up and lift up his buttocks.
Franz: Yeah yeah yeah right. Yeah I did notice. (Starts daydreaming of a goat leaping in the air and then he dreams of Patrick riding on a white horse down the road)
Hans: Franz!! Franz! We are talking about Patrick Swayze’s body and I’ve lost you. It’s like you’re in another world or something. You know I can’t believe it because his body…
Franz: (Daydreams again and he gets on the same white horse with Patrick)
Hans: FRANZ!! FRANZ!! Earth to muscleman! Earth to muscleman! Are you still with us? I can’t believe you. Well ladies and gentlemen. We’re going to have to cut the show tonight. Franz is now feeling well.Yeah that’s the ticket. But we’ll be back next week to…
Both: PUMP (Clap) YOU UP!! (they pose)
Announcer: This has been pumping up with Hans & Franz.
[“singing” over continuous music-bed of Latin folk song “Guantanamera”]
Announcer: When two of South America’s biggest singing stars have a feud, you’re the winner. Now you can enjoy the rivalry that Latin Americans have known about for years. Together on one album, Jorge Montenero
Jorge: “One ton of fan mail That’s what I get, I get one ton of fan mail One ton of fan mail I get one ton of fan mail.”
Announcer: And his arch-rival, Raul Valendez.
Raul: “Two tons of fan mail That’s what I get, I get two tons of fan mail Two tons of fan mail I get two tons of fan mail.”
Announcer: All the songs in the greatest rivalry in the history of South American singing-star rivalries.
Jorge: “Four tons of fan mail That’s right you heard me, I get four tons of fan mail I have it weighed each morning On the truck scale.”
Announcer: You’ll get
Raul: “Number-one song for nine months (in Paraguay) I had the number-one song for nine months You turn on the radio And it was all you would ever hear.”
Announcer: And
Jorge: “He had an eye job I tell you, he had an eye job I know a doctor Who swears he had an eye job.”
Announcer: Plus
Raul: “He stuffs his trousers I’m telling you quite plainly, he stuffs his trousers With a plastic penis It fell out in Lima.”
Announcer: With
Jorge: “That never happened, I tell you man, the man is a liar I filed a lawsuit For 100,000,000 pesos.”
Announcer: Plus
Raul:”It fell out his pant-leg I know for sure, it fell out his pant-leg We have same drummer He told me the story.”
Announcer: Send check or money order for $12.95 to Super Feud, Camino De Las Estrellas, Miami, FL.
Jorge: “Last in commercial Please note my song was last in commercial, heh heh heh! That should tell you something They put me last in commercial.”
Male Judge #1: This is impossible! Can’t we just hire them both?
Male Judge #2: No. We’ve been through this. We’ve only got the budget for one dancer!
Female Judge: Yeah, but they’re both so great.. I can’t decide between them..
Male Judge #2: Well, that’s our job. That’s what Chippendales pays us for.
Male Judge #1: Yeah, but these guys have been through hell!Five hours of auditions, three callbacks..
Male Judge #2: Well, look.. if you want to give up your salary so Chippendales can hire both these guys – that’s fine with me.
Male Judge #1: Okay, okay..
Male Judge #2: [ to offscreen ] Marcy? Bring ’em in?
Male Judge #1: This is the part of the job that I hate.
[ Adrian, a well-built dancer, walks in, followed by Barney, a flabby dancer ]
Male Judge #2: Adrian. Barney. [ sighs ] Listen, before we start, I just want to say once again that either of you would make a wonderful addition to the Chippendale family. I know you’ve been put through a long, long addition, and I know it’s been hard.. But I think that in itself is a testament to how good both of you are, and just how difficult our choice is. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.. but we can’t. We’re Chippendales. Marcy? Music?
[ Loverboy’s “Working For The Weekend” blasts the stage, as Adrian andBarney begin their final audition. Adrian strikes many sexy moves which show off his fantastically fit body; all of Barney’s sext moves accentuate the fact that he has a big belly hanging over his belt. ]
Male Judge #2: Thank you. Adrian, Barney, if you could just give us a minute, we’ll make our decision.
[ Adrian and Barney exit to the back room ]
Adrian: Oh, Adrian, you were great out there, man! I know it’s gonna be you
Barney: Oh, Barney, what are you talking about? You got it, and you know it!
Adrian: Whatever happens, you’re the best!
Marcy; [ peeks in ] They’re ready for you, guys.
[ Barney and Adrian shake hands and walk back out ]
Male Judge #2: Adrian? Barney? We’ve made our decision. But before we tell you, I just want to tell you again how truly difficult it was for us to make our choice, and to thank you for your patience throughout this long, arduous audition. [ pause ] We’re gonna go with Adrian.
Barney: I knew it, man! [ shakes Adrian’s hand ]
Adrian: [ starts to weep ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just neverwanted anything so much in my life, and now that I’ve got it, I’m having a hard time dealing with it!
Male Judge #2: Well, that’s okay, Adrian, we understand. [ pause ] Barney, we all agreed that your dancing was great.. your presentation was very sexy. I guess, in the end, we just thought Adrian’s body was much, much better than yours. You see, it’s just that, at Chippendales, our dancers have traditionally had that lean, muscular, healthy physique – like Adrian’s – whereas yours is.. well, fat and flabby. [ Barney starts to vamp ] No, Barney. No, no, no. Barney, we’ve made our decision.
Adrian: Excuse me, can I make a point? [ wraps his arm aroundBarney ] I just want to say that this guy is one hell of a dancer, you know? I mean, he’s got some of the sexiest moves I’ve ever seen! And if you’re really serious about going with me, it can only be because his body’s so bad!
Barney: Thanks, man.
Adrian: I mean, on straight dancing, in presentation, ain’t no way I’m better than him!
Male Judge #2: Amen. Amen. You see, Barney, we considered thepossibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer aheavier, heavier man that they could identify with.. but then we decided..
Adrian’s Thoughts: [ as Male Judge #2 drines off ] Even as I stood there listening to them explain why they’d chosen me, I still couldn’t believe it! Ever since I could remember, I had dreamed about becoming a Chippendales dancer, and now I was one! I never saw Barney again.. but I would never forget how, for one moment, he brought out the best in me. That was the time of my life.
[ Music Bed: “Time of My Life”, by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, over a photo of Adrian striking a sexy Chippendale pose to fade ]
Spokesperson: Care, compassion, dedication. These are the things we can promise you at Winston-McCauley Funeral Home. And there’s one other thing we can promise: that we will not have sex with any dead body. How can we guarantee this level of service? First, we rigorously test our applicants for aptitude and intelligence.. and also to make sure they don’t have the urge to have sex with dead bodies. And, if any of our employees fails to live up to our standards, he can be suspended, without pay, for up to six months. And, if that’s not enough, you have my personal assurance that if you can prove that your loved one was the victim of post-mortem sex, I will discount your bill with us for a full $1,000. That’s the Winston-McCauley Guarantee.
Announcer: Care. Compassion. Dedication. And absolutely No Sex. Winston-McCauley Funeral Home.
…..Dennis Miller …..Chris Rock Tom Arnold…..Chris Farley Roseanne Arnold…..Victoria Jackson
Music Intro: “Dance to The Music”, Sly & the Family Stone
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Earlier this week, House Democrats and the White House differed on a proposed shut-down time for the American Government. In lieu of an acceptable budget agreement, Democrats wanted the government to shut down at 6pm Wednesday, whereas the White House wanted the government to shut down at 6am Wednesday. Eventually, they hammered out a compromise shut-down time of 12:45 pm Wednesday, right after lunch. To celebrate the agreement, the President attempted to pose for a picture with Democratic leaders, but they could not agree on an F-stop setting for the camera.
Mikhael Gorbachev, this week, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, which includes a reward of more than $700,000. Gorbachev says he will use the money to double his country’s Gross National Product.
Though most agree the Soviet leader deserves the award, some suspect a little backstage campaigning that swung the vote.
Dennis Miller: Turning to sports, there’s a big fight coming up next week, and here with some comments and insight is “Weekend Update” correspondent Chris Rock. Welcome, Chris!
Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Next week, Evander Holyfield fights Buster Douglas for the Heavyweight Championship of the World. Now, I went to place a bet on the fight, and I found out that Evander Holyfield is the favorite! I have nothing against Evander, but didn’t Buster Douglas knock Mike Tyson out? Doesn’t that mean anything? What does a guy have to do to be favorite – kill Godzilla? Now, I’m at home the other night watching some old boxing movies, and by far the strangest one had to be “Rocky IV”. I’m sitting there thinking to myself, “Two white guys fighting for the Heavyweight Championship of the World? Boy, that Spielberg’s something else!” I mean, let’s face it: white guys cannot box! Black guys fight better. Puerto Ricans fight even better. I guess the lower you go on the social ladder, the better you fight. For every good Puerto Rican fighter, there’s an American Indian waiting to kick his ass! I feel so sorry for the Indians, man, because we took.. well, we didn’t take.. you people took their land, and now they have nothing. Everybody exploits the Indians – you’ve got Mazola commercials, you’ve got “F-Troop”, the Washington Redskins.. Washington Redskins, that’s not nice! That’s a racial slur! That’s kind of like having the New York Niggers, okay? [ sighs ] Uh, Dennis, what was I talking about?
Dennis Miller: I think you were talking about Boxing.
Chris Rock: Yeah, I’ve got Buster Douglas in the eighth.
Dennis Miller: I hear that. Thank you. Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.
Effective this week, AT&T will no longer be saying, “Thank you for using AT&T.” Starting tomorrow, all AT&T operators will say, “Thank you for not using Sprint or MCI.”
This is lance corporal Corey Keeling of Redding California spooning chili into insulated containers to be served to our troops in the Saudi desert. Nothing a soldier likes more in the middle of the desert than a big steaming bowl of chili, huh? “Yeah, listen guys, I’m goin’ into Hell. Can I get a jalapeño to suck on?”
Dennis Miller: And, in entertainment news, Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold have announced that they are suing the National Enquirer for $35 million. We’ve got them on live remote from California. Rosie! Tom! Welcome! How are you guys?
Dennis Miller: Okay now, a $35 million lawsuit, why?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh.. well, like, 35’s, like, my lucky number, and everything, you know? And, like, that’s the day I met Tom, on March 5th..
Tom Arnold: That’s my lucky number, too! I love you, honey.
Roseanne Arnold: I love you, too, honey! [ they start hugging and kissing, grossing Dennis out ]
Dennis Miller: Guys! Guys! Why are you suing, guys?
Roseanne Arnold: Oh! Like, Dennis, you know, we don’t have any skeletons in our closet or anything..
Tom Arnold: What skeletons could we have that we don’t already have?!
Roseanne Arnold: We don’t have anything left. Like, we ain’t got nothing. It’s, like, maybe I fired, like, two or 500 people, or something. And maybe Tom went to a drug clinic, you know?
Tom Arnold: I got in the taxi and went for treatment!
Roseanne Arnold: Yeah! But, like, they said our tattoo was on our butt, and that is a lie! Our tattoo is right here.. [ indicates the small of her back ]
Tom Arnold: [ lifts his shirt near his butt and points to the small of his back ] This is not our butt, Dennis! That is not our butt!
Roseanne Arnold: We are mad!
Tom Arnold: [ jumping to the foot of the camera ] The media is scum! They’re not even people!
Roseanne Arnold: [ jumping to the foot of the camera behind Tom ] We’re gonna win! ‘Cause we’re, like, really mad and everything!
Tom Arnold: [ grabbing Roseanne ] We’re ready to fight!
Roseanne Arnold: [ grabbing Tom, kissing him ] Yeah, we’re ready to fight! We’re really mad..! [ she topples over Tom and kisses him uncontrollably, as they roll over one another ]
Dennis Miller: [ disgusted, holding his hand in front of the screen ] No! Stop! Stop! Turn it off! [ screen goes blank ] Did I just see what I think I saw? I felt like I was above the Grand Canyon in a helicopter..
New York Mayor David Dinkins has approved a new plan to pay a $5,000 reward to anyone willing to snitch on someone who may have cheated on their taxes. Immediately following the proposal, Dinkins finally admitted to allegations to not filing his own tax returns for four consecutive years, and paid himself $20,000.
And, as a last resort to save Atlantic City’s Taj Mahal, Donald Trump has finally decided to sell all that he has left: the former millionaire’s ego will be auctioned off at Christie’s later this week.
And, in a ceremony at City Hall this week, the stench of urine was named New York’s official smell. Congratulations, Stench of Urine!
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
Pete the Head Supervisor…..Phil Hartman Carl the Manager…..George Steinbrenner Steve…..Kevin Nealon Hungover Employee…..Chris Farley
Pete the Head Supervisor at Carl’s Quick-Stop is disgusted by the increasing number of employees who aren’t performing their jobs, so he decided to address the issue with Carl the manager.
Pete: It’s about Steve. He’s not working out.
Carl: Well, what should we do? Do you think I should talk to him again?
Pete: No, Carl.. I think it’s time you let him go.
Carl: You mean, fire him?
Pete: I don’t think you have a choice. He’s not doing his job, he doesn’t show up half the time, and when he does he’s rude to the customers.
Carl: Geez, it just seems firing so extreme. How about if we just give him a warning? A warning can be very effective, you know?
Pete: Carl, this can’t continue! You’ve got twenty people on the payroll, and only five real jobs. Three employees are out there operating a cash register. You’ve got to start somewhere! I’ll go get him. [ exits office ]
Carl: [ alone, worried ] How? How do you fire a man? How do you look in his eye and tell him he’s no longer needed? Who am I to judge another man?
[ Pete returns to the office with Steve, who’s dressed sloppily, eating potato chips and listening to a Walkman ]
Steve: You wanted to see me, Sir?
Carl: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. [ Pete asks Steve to take his headphones off, as Carl struggles for the right thing to say ] Steve, I think it’s just.. that your performance has been.. Pete said that, uh.. well.. well, uh.. how do you think you’re doing here?
Carl: No.. That’s it, I.. I.. you know, I just wanted to say Hi.
Steve: Oh. Okay. Alright.
Carl: You take care. Goodbye. [ Steve exits ]
Pete: [ upset ] Carl!
Carl: It’s just I can’t.. I can’t fire people, it’s not in my nature.
Pete: You can’t keep saying that. If an employee isn’t delivering what you expect of them, you have to fire them!
Carl: Why? Where is it written if you don’t get results right away, you fire people? What kind of asinine policy is that?
Pete: Carl! It’s just good business!
Carl: That’s where you’re wrong! It’s not good business! You can’t have people worried all the time that they’ll be fired if they make one mistake. That’s lunacy! Only a jackass would run his business that way!
Pete: Carl, this is the way it works: an unsatisfied owner fires people!
Carl: A stupid owner! A stupid, arrogant, shortsighted owner. The kind of guy who blames everybody but himself! How would you like it everytime something went wrong, I just blamed you, the supervisor, huh? Let’s just fire the supervisor! Then I’ll hire some other guy, and something would go wrong and I’d fire him, and I’d probably rehire you! Then fire you again, bring in someone else, then fire him and rehire you again! Then fire and hire, back and forth until the whole thing’s just a big joke! Is that the kind of owner you want? Some yammering nincompoop in a fancy suit? No way you take that road, ’cause before you know it, you’ll probably be banned from running the entire company.
Pete: You know what? You’re right. Thank God the kind of boss you described only exists in our worst nightmares! Because if he did exist, I’d be sosick, I don’t think I could stand the sight of him.
[ a hungover employee enters the office staggering ]
Hungover Employee: Hey, Boss. I wasa at a party last night.. I got pretty drunk, and I was wondering if I could knock off early? Carl: Take the rest of the day off. And if you’re still hung over tomorrow, just come back next week – we’ll be here for you.
Hungover Employee: Thanks, Boss.
Carl: Okay. I’ll walk you to your car.
[ Carl exits with the hungover employee, leaving Pete alone in the office ]
Pete: [ to himself ] There goes the opposite of a horrible man.
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — George Steinbrenner!
[ Cheers and applause. ]
George Steinbrenner: Thank you! Thank you very, very much! Thank you!Thank you! I’m really excited tonight. I want you all to know that, at 11:15tonight, I bought the Cincinnati Reds.
Anyway, it’s great to be here. You know, this show traditionally has twokinds of hosts — entertainers; you know, actors, comedians… And thenbeloved figures from other walks of life.
Now, I’m not an actor. Never been in a movie or a TV series. Not even acomedian! Don’t do impressions and I’m not even good at snappy comebacks.I don’t do schtick and I’m not a singer. Not gonna put on a dress and singold Judy Garland songs. I’m not a contortionist and I’m not gonna put on astraightjacket and be submerged in a tank of water. I’m not gonna catch abullet in my teeth… I hope. Or eat 100 eggs…
By no reasonable definition of the word can I be considered an”entertainer”. I’m not gonna wear a beard of bees or drink kerosene and doburps. No way! I’m just not an entertainer.
So the way I see it, if I’m not an entertainer, I must fall into thatother category: beloved Americans from another walk of life. Anyway, wegot a terrific show for you tonight! A great musical group is here: TheTime!
[ Cheers and applause. ]
George Steinbrenner: Everyone working here is underpaid… all you guys!So, Lou won the big game, 2-1.
[ Mixed reaction from the audience. ]
George Steinbrenner: So let’s stick around! You’re gonna have a greattime! And we’ll be right back!
Air Date:
Mariah Carey, “Vision of Love”
