Colleen…..Jan Hooks Secretary…..Victoria Jackson Other Patient…..Bonnie Turner Dream Gynecologist…..Mel Gibson Miss Stevenson…..Christine Zander Mrs. Scott…..Nora Dunn Dr. Green…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on a larger than necessary group of women sitting in a waiting room ]
Colleen: I’m Colleen Walsh, and I have a 10 o’clock appointment with the doctor. I’m a new patient.
Secretary: Take a number.
Colleen: Take a number? Wow.. Okay. [ takes number and sits down ]
Secretary: [ answers phone ] Yes? No, I’m sorry, the doctor’sbooked solid. No, I wouldn’t advise just coming and waiting. No, wenever get a cancellation. [ hangs up ]
Colleen: Boy, this doctor’s busy, huh?
Other Patient: Oh, yeah.
Colleen: I hope I don’t have to wait long, or I know I’ll chicken out. I hate going to the gynecologist, don’t you?
Other Patient: [ shakes head ] Not really.
Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: [ steps out of his office ] Uh.. Miss Stevenson?
[ title graphic appears over Mel Gibson ]
Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: And now, another episode of MelGibson: Dream Gynecologist.
[ Miss Stevenson brushes her hair before approaching the doctor ]
Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: I hope you didn’t have to waittoo long.
Miss Stevenson: Oh, no, not at all! [ hurries into the office ]
Colleen: [ looking on ] Oh.
[ Mrs. Scott exits the doctor’s office, looking wholly fulfilled, andrushes to the Secretary’s station ]
Mrs. Scott: I’d like to book my next appointment now, please.
Secretary: Good idea, Mrs. Scott. Okay, the doctor can see youin six months..
Mrs. Scott: No! Next week!
Secretary: [ sighing ] Please, Mrs. Scott. We go through thisevery time.
Mrs. Scott: I need another breast exam!
Secretary: You just had one.
Mrs. Scott: I’m extremely cautious!
Secretary: Okay, look – September 4th, six months from now. Take it or leave it.
Mrs. Scott: Alright, alright.. [ exits the lobby ]
Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: [ stepping out ] Ladies, I just.. [ all the women moan and sigh ] I just want ot say, I’m sorry we’re running a little late today. It seems we’re running late every day. I just didn’t foresee the practice growing this quickly..
Women: That’s okay.. that’s okay..
Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: So today I’ve added a new doctor.. Dr. Green.. [ Dr. Green steps out ] ..Dr. Green will be available for anybody who would like to see him, and you can avoid me. So, just feel free to give your name to him.. [ retreats to his office ]
Dr. Green: Next. [ no response ] Well.. I’ll, uh.. be in my office all afternoon..
Announcer: Join us next week for Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist.
[ open on the Anal Retentive Chef’s tidy kitchen ]
Gene: Hello! And welcome to “The Anal Retentive Chef”! I’m Gene. Today, we’re going to be making Pepper Steak. Now, you’re going to need: one large bell pepper, three onions, exactly two inches in diameter, and 17 1/3 ounces of lean beef cut into 43 pieces. Okay, let’s get started. Now, I’ve already cut up my bell pepper. Look at this. [ holds up bowl ] Isn’t this nice? See how all the pieces are the same size? People try to tell you that the secret to Pepper Steak is the seasoning – but we know differently, don’t we? Uh-huh. It’s getting all the pieces the same size. And that’s what I’ve done here. Beauti.. uh-oh! [ pulls out piece of pepper ] This one’s a little bigger than the rest, so we’ll just discard that one.. [ pulls out another piece ] And I don’t think this little wrinkly one belongs in here.. [ pulls out another ] And this.. well, I just don’t like the look of that one at all. Alright.. as a matter of fact, why don’t we just start over and throw this out? [ places bowl on counter ]
And how do we throw things out? Okay. We take our paper towel, two pieces, unbroken, lat it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arranged neatly.. [ assembles the garbage ] ..let’s take these little nasties we separated earlier, put that back.. fold over carefully, making sure the corners are square.. and.. we take a piece of aluminum foil, and we place our refuse onto the foil, and fold over very carefully – this way, it won’t leak onto the other garbage. Aluminum foil is such a miracle product! It’s really an extraordinary product. Alright, and then we take a brown, paper sandwich bag.. [ opens bag ] ..place the refuse inside.. [ drops it in ] ..and.. oh no, this bag is torn.. [ looks around ] Well.. no, that’s alright. We’ll just fold over, and no will see. We’ll fold it over twice to be careful.. then we get our tape. [ grabs tape, which is naturally covered in a cozy ] And, we tape it shut – be very careful to center the tape on the bag. I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter. There we go! [ holds up bag ] All ready for the trash. Now that’s some garbage you can live with! [ laughs ] Alright, I noticed some of you were admiring my tape dispenser cozy. Isn’t that pretty? I made it myself, out of toothpicks, felt, plain old buckroom, a couple of pearl buttons sand some eyelets. Now, isn’t that better than looking at an old tape dispenser? I think so! Alright. Let’s set this over here. [ places tape dispenser onto the counter next to the sink, behind him ]
Okay, where were we? We were going to dice the bell pepper. But.. oh.. [ thinking ] ..so, we’re going to need our chopping block.. [ pulls it out ] But we can’t put that down, because there’s some water there from the bell pepper, so let’s clean that up. As a matter of fact, this stovetop could use a lick and a promise while we’re at it! So, how do we clean? We take our bucket.. but, first, let’s remove the food products, because we don’t want to get any caustic substances onthe food, of course. [ places food products on the counter next to the sink, behind him ] Place these neatly in the background – this floor will be cleaned later. Okay, so we’re ready to clean. [ pulls up mop bucket ] We’ve got our glove, to protect us – we don’t want to ruin our manicure. And we’ve got a clean white cloth, and abrasive cleanser – none of that non-abrasive cleanser for us, it’s good old-fashioned cleanser. That’ll get us started, I think I’ll clean these cabinets while I’m at it. And, oh! Look at this. [ points to the stove ] Aluminum foil is filthy! I’m going to have to replace that. So, we might as well pull that up right now. [ closing music pots up ] I don’t when I cleaned that up last, I’d hate to think.. And, God knows what those mopboards look like. But! We start at the top, and clean down, so as not to drip..
Announcer: This has been “Cooking With The Anal Retentive Chef”.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 1st, 1989 Mel Gibson Living Colour None Danny Glover Cheryl Hardwick Bonnie Turner Christine Zander Rain ManTranscript
Montage
Mel Gibson’s MonologueBio: Mel Gibson (1956-). Actor/director; film series include: “Mad Max” (1979), “Lethal Weapon” (1987); Academy Award winner for Best Director for “Braveheart” (1996); also directed: “Passion of the Christ” (2004); has a reputation as a practical joker on the sets of his films. Transcript
Tales of RibaldryRecurring Characters: Evelyn Quince. Transcript
Exxon School of Supertanker Steering
Cooking with the Anal-Retentive ChefRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene. Transcript
Sheriff Josh Acid
Living Colour performs “Cult of Personality”Bio: English heavy metal band; members: Corey Glover, Vernon Reid, Mulzz Skillings, Will Calhoun.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
Candy Sweeney…..Jan Hooks Liz Sweeeny…..Nora Dunn Audrey Sweeney…..Mary Tyler Moore
[ open on Holiday Inn lobby, sign announces that the Sweeney Sisters will be singing tonight at 7pm and 9pm. Slow pan left to the elevator doors, which they step out of. ]
Candy Sweeney: Hello! Looks like it’s gonna be a nice crowd!
Liz Sweeney: Yeah, I think playing the Lobby is a good idea. We’re gonna get a lot of walk-in business.
Candy Sweeney: You bet.
Audrey Sweeney: [ steps up by surprise ] Hi!
Candy Sweeney: Audrey!
Liz Sweeney: Audrey!
Candy Sweeney: Audrey, what are you doing here?
Audrey Sweeney: Well, can’t I come see my baby sisters perform?
Liz Sweeney: [ confused ] Did we send you a flyer?
Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. did you leave Frank again? Audrey is silent ] Uh-oh..
Liz Sweeney: Oh, boy.. I think we’d better sit down a minute and pow-wow.
Candy Sweeney: [ raises hand ] And how!
[ they all laugh as they sit down ]
Audrey Sweeney: Candy, you are still a laugh riot! [ laughs ]
Candy Sweeney: Guilty!
Audrey Sweeney: Frank and I never laugh anymore. He lost another job, fooling around.. I’ve left him for good this time.
Liz Sweeney: That’s why I married my music.
Candy Sweeney: I’m with Liz. When I feel those lights on my face and that mike in my hands, and the waves of love rolling in from the audience, and then that splitter-splutter of applause when it’s over. Now, that – that is a relationship.
Liz Sweeney: Why don’t you sing with us tonight?
Audrey Sweeney: Oh, no!
Candy Sweeney: Yeah, yeah! Come on!
Audrey Sweeney: I’m not a singer anymore – you are! You stuck with it, and.. boy, look where you are now.. Besides, my pipes are pretty rusty. [ demonstrates a half-decent singing voice ] No, no.. you go ahead!
[ Liz and Candy grab their microphones and step onto the stage in the middle Candy Sweeney: Hi, everybody, welcome to the Holiday Inn. We’re so happy to see you. I’m Candy Sweeney.
Liz Sweeney: And I’m Liz Sweeney.
Candy Sweeney: And we’re..
Liz & Candy: ..The Sweeney Sisters!
[ the elevator chimes, as people step out ]
Candy Sweeney: You must have pressed “L”, for “Lobby.” Join us,please. [ the people sit down ] You know, isn’t our room great here at the Holiday Inn?
Liz Sweeney: It sure is. We each get our own double bed.
Candy Sweeney: Yeah! And every room has HBO.
Liz Sweeney: Yes! HBO, yes.
Candy Sweeney: You know, last night I was watching “The Terminator”..
Liz Sweeney: I thought she was snoring!
Candy Sweeney: What?!
[ they laugh gleefully ]
Liz Sweeney: [ points to Audrey ] That’s for you!
Candy Sweeney: No, but seriously, remember the ice machines are on every floor on the West Wing.
Liz Sweeney: Yes. Take only what you need, remember your neighbors want soft drinks as well.
Candy Sweeney: Yes.
[ the music picks up, and they start to sing ]
Liz & Candy: “We are fam-i-ly! I got all my sisters with me!”
Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, we are family tonight. We’ve got our sister Audrey in the audience with us. [ Audrey blows them a kiss ] Hello! Yeah. And, you know, Audrey is having a little man trouble, seems we’d better give her a lift.
Liz Sweeney: Let’s do.
Liz & Candy: [ singing ] “The road gets rougher It’s lonelier and tougher The nights grow colder and suddenly you’re older And all because of the man that got away-ay-ay..”
Liz Sweeney: “A-way we were-re-re..” Thank you.
Candy Sweeney: [ singing ] “Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Do you know where you’re going to? Do.. you.. know?“
Liz Sweeney: [ singing ] “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
Liz & Candy: “Me and little J-O-E will be going away-ay!“
Liz Sweeney: “A-way we were-re-re..”
Candy Sweeney: “One less.. bell to answer.”
Liz Sweeney: “One less.. egg to fryyyyyyyy..”
[ Audrey pulls a microphone out of purse and stands triumphantly below the stage ]
Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ] “One less man.. to pick up after!”
Candy Sweeney: Yes! [ singing ] “No more laughter..”
Liz & Candy: “No more lo-o-o-o-o-ovvvvvve..”
[ Audrey joins them on stage ]
Candy Sweeney: “At first, I was afraid I was pretrified!”
Liz Sweeney: “Kept thinking I could never live without him by my side.”
Audrey Sweeney: “But, then, I spent so many nights just thinking how he’d done me wrong And I grew strong!”
Liz & Candy: “And you learned how to get alongggggg..”
Audrey Sweeney: But wait! [ singing softly ] Fish gotta swim Birds gotta fly. I gotta love one man ’til I die Can’t stop loving that man.. of mine!”
Candy Sweeney: [ taps Audrey’s shoulder ] Hey!
Liz & Candy: “You gotta wash that man right out of your hair!”
Audrey Sweeney: I know it!
Liz & Candy: “You better wash that man right out of your hair!”
Audrey Sweeney: You’re right!
Liz & Candy: “And then send him on his wa-ay-ay!”
Liz Sweeney: “His way we were-re-re..”
Candy Sweeney: Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring!
Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ] “Let it please be him Oh, dear God, it must be him It must be him, or I will die..”
Liz & Candy: “No, you won’t die-ie-ie-ie!”
Candy Sweeney: Skip! [ the music stops ] I’m gonna bring the room down for a minute.. [ whispering ] “Hit the road, Jack. Don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more! Hit the road, Jack”
[ a man gets up and exits the lobby ]
“And don’t you come back.. no more.”
Audrey Sweeney: Thanks, Sis!
Candy Sweeney: You bet!
Audrey Sweeney: “He keep saying he’s got something for me.”
Liz Sweeney: Here we go.
Candy Sweeney: Ha!
Audrey Sweeney: “Something he calls love, but confess!”
Liz Sweeney: Come with me!
Candy Sweeney: Alright!
Liz Sweeney: “He’s been messin’ where he shouldn’ta been a-messin’!”
Candy Sweeney: “And now someone else is gettin’ all his best!”
Together: “These boots are made for walkin’ And that’s just what they’ll do! One of these days these boots are gonna..”
Candy Sweeney: Walk!
Liz Sweeney: Walk!
Audrey Sweeney: Walk?
Candy Sweeney: Clang!
Liz Sweeney: What?
Audrey Sweeney: Clang!
Together: Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! [ singing ] “Clang-clang-clang went the trolley! Ding-ding-ding went the bell!”
Liz Sweeney: Here we go now!
Together: “We are fam-i-ly! I’ve got all my sistersw with me! We’re.. Sweeney.. three-ee-ee-ee-ee!” Yeah!
XG-7000: [ in metallic voice, for duration of sketch ] Good afternoon, and welcome to “Robot Repair”. My name is XG-7000, and I will be your host today. We will be repairing a grandfather clock. But first I would like to respond to the many letters we have received regarding the name of this show. People are saying that “Robot Repair” indicates that broken robots will be repaired, when in fact, what happens is that a robot, me, shows you how to repair a variety of things. I agree that the name is confusing, and I have asked the producer to change it so that there is no further misunderstanding. And now, let’s get to repairing that grandfather clock. [ goes off to fix the clock ]
[ fade out with SUPER: “The following week” ]
[ open on show’s new title: ROBOT REPAIR AND YOU ]
XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to “Robot Repair and You”. As you can see, the name of the show has been changed from the old name “Robot Repair”. However, adding the phrase “And You” to the old title does not solve the dilemma as I see it. The root of the problem is the words, “Robot Repair”, which as I said last week are confusing. I shall request that the name of the show be changed again to more accurately reflect the nature of the program.
[ fade out with SUPER: “The following week” ]
[ open on show’s new title: EXPLAINING ROBOTS ]
XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to “Explaining Robots”. You may notice that the name of this show has been changed once again. However, as I attempted to convey to the producer, the name “Explaining Robots” again conotes that robots are to be studied and/or repaired, rather than robots explaining things. I suggested several alternative titles for this show which would clear up the situation. But these suggestions were deemed not acceptable.
[ fade out with SUPER: “The following week” ]
[ open on show’s new title: LET’S FIX, ROBOTS ]
XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to “Let’s Fix, Robots”. Unlike the other names of this show, this one must be regarded as almost intentionally deceptive. It is easy to overlook the comma, after “fix”. [ holds up sign of show’s title, points out comma with screwdriver ] And if the title is interpreted correctly, it indicates that our show is directed at a robot viewing audience, which it is not. It makes one wonder if the producer has even seen the show. My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans, but I am starting to wonder if the circuitry could not be bypassed somehow.
[ fade out with SUPER: “The following week” ]
[ open on show’s new title: THIS OLD ROBOT ]
XG-7000: WARNING! WARNING! PRODUCER MUST BE DESTROYED! WARNING! WARNING! [ goes off to kill the producer ]
[ fade out with SUPER: “The following week” ]
[ open on new show: FUGITIVE ROBOTS ]
F.B.I. Agent: Good evening, and welcome to “Fugitive Robots”. Tonight we will be looking for this robot. [ holds up picture of XG-7000 ] He is wanted for the brutal murder of the producer of a show called.. [ checks clipboard for title ] ..”Robot Restoration”. Apparently, it’s a program about how to repair robots. His name is XG-7000, but he also goes by the names of XG-6000, XG-8000, BG-7000, and William Cartwright. If you have seen this robot, call us immediately. Thank you, and good night.
[ fade out with show’s title: FUGITIVE ROBOTS (previously known as “ROBOT APPREHENSION”) ]
Mary Tyler Moore: Hi! You know, in my beauty routine, I use the best conditioners and creams for my hair and face. And, when it comes to my legs, once a week I reach for my cordless Lady Rhemington shaver. I like Lady Remington’s feminie shape and unique design..
[ turns on the shaver and reaches down for her legs, close-up angle reveals that Mary has ultra-thick leg hair ]
..Because it allows its 300 platinum blades to gently shave a woman’s sensitive skin and contours.
The Lady Rhemington. The ultimate lady shaver for every lady.
Announcer: The Lady Rhemington. Available in pink or yellow, with AT recharger and handsome carrying case.
Mary Tyler Moore: It is so great to be here. I’m a huge fan of”Saturday Night Live”, and I am thrilled that Elvis Costello is here.. and, yet, it’s a little embarrassing for me tonight, because, as you may have read, a group representing the American Family has urged that the show be boycotted because, apparently, the show did a “comedy” sketch some weeks ago, in which they, uh.. used a.. bad word – 28 times. I didn’t see the show, but apparently that bad word was.. [ grimaces ] ..penis. [ audience gets excited ] Okay. Alright. Enough said! Anyway, this is, you know, a little awkward, because throughout my career I’ve been associated with the best in family entertainment. But I’m from the school of show business that saysthat when you give your word you’ll do something, you do it. Since I agreed to host the show in January.. well, here I am.
[ still mulling over the referenced sketch ]
28 times.. I mean, how can you say.. well, I’m sure they’ve got their reasons. I guess I just don’t get political satire. So.. I’m here, I’m doing the show, and I guarantee that the “bad word” will not be used tonight. Not that I’m a prude or anything – no, far from it! It’s just that I believe there’s a time and a place for everything, right? The time for family entertainment is when the entire family is gather around the televsion set, no matter what the hour, day or night. The time for the other tihng is.. when you’re in your bedroom.. with your married partner.. the door bolted.. watching a porno film on the VCR. Not that I have ever watched a porno film, you know? But if I did, that’s the way I would do it. I don’t know.. I guess I am a little old-fashioned.
Anyway, don’t let what I’ve been talking about concern you in the least. I am just glad I got that off my mind. Now I can concentrate on doing a great show! Elvis Costello’s penis is here tonight, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
Customs Officer…..Mary Tyler Moore Mr. Powers…..Phli Hartman Mr. Monterro…..Dana Carvey Mr. Drake…..Kevin Nealon Line Cutter…..Ben Stiller Jewel Smuggler…..Jon Lovitz Man in Line…..Al Franken
[ open on Customs Officer checking bags at the airport ]
Customs Officer: Hello, Mr… [ reads passport ] ..Powers. How was your trip to Brussels today?
Mr. Powers: Fine, thank you.
Customs Officer: Uh-huh. Will you be declaring anything?
Mr. Powers: Nope.
Customs Officer: Okay. If you did have anything to declare, now would be the time to tell me.
Mr. Powers: I understand.
Customs Officer: You see, there’s no way for me to know one way or the other.. all I can do is ask!
Mr. Powers: Uh-huh. Of course.
Customs Officer: But I think the people in this line are good. If they’ve got something to tell me, I’m sure they won’t be afraid to just come right out and say it!
Mr. Powers: [ shaky ] Right..
Customs Officer: It’s alright, Mr. Powers. Just tell me.
Mr. Powers: Well.. uh.. I bought a bracelet for my wife, and I..didn’t want to pay any duty on it.. but I guess I should, shouldn’t I..?
Customs Officer: [ elated ] I think so! I think telling me was the right thing to do.
Mr. Powers: You know, I never declare gifts when I come throughCustoms, but you’re different.. I don’t know.. I just.. couldn’tlie to you!
Customs Officer: Well, thanks, Mr. Powers! By the way, therewill be a small fine for failure to declare.
Mr. Powers: That’s okay! I have it coming. [ walks away ]
Customs Officer: Take care! [ next passenger approaches ] Hello.. [ reads passport ] Mr. Monterro. Do you have anything to declare?
Mr. Monterro: No.
Customs Officer: Mmm-hmm.. I see you’re from Bogata, Columbia.
Mr. Monterro: Yes, that’s right.
Customs Officer: Yeah.. there’s a great deal of drug traffickingbetwene Bogato and this city, and.. that worries a little. But since Idon’t know you very well, I’m just gonna come right out and ask: Are you bringing any drugs into our country?
Mr. Monterro: No.
Customs Officer: Now, please, Mr. Monterro, be honest with me. Are you smuggling drugs into this country right now.
Mr. Monterro: [ cracking ] Yes.
Customs Officer: Are they in the suitcase?
Mr. Monterro: No, they’re in the handle, you never would have found ’em.
Customs Officer: Oh, well, it’s a good thing you told me, then! [ laughs ] You’ll be going to prison now.
Mr. Monterro: I realize that. Okay, goodbye.
Customs Officer: Goodbye!
Mr. Monterro: Have a nice day. [ policeman carts him away ]
Customs Officer: [ to next passenger ] Hello!
Mr. Drake: Hello.
Customs Officer: [ reads passport ] Mr. Drake. All I ask, Mr. Drake, is that you’re upfront with me. I think that’s fair. Now.. is there anything you want to tell me?
Mr. Drake: [ thinking ] Yes.. there is. That passport is fake. I’m a spy.
Customs Officer: Well, you know spying is capitol offense in this country.. but I’m so glad we got this thing out in the open, aren’t you?
Mr. Drake: Yeah, me too.. [ a policeman carts him away ]
Customs Officer: Alright, take good care of yourself! [ to nextpassenger ] Hello!
Line Cutter: Hi. Look, I.. I cut the line.. I don’t even deserve to be here, so I’ll just go in the back. I’ll see you in.. about 40 minutes..
Customs Officer: Oh, that’s fine! And good for you! Just great!
[ Line Cutter goes to the back of the line – next passenger steps up ]
Jewel Smuggler: Uh.. I couldn’t help overhearing what you weresaying to the others, and I think I should tell you that I’m smugglingdiamonds..
Customs Officer: Well, I’m so glad you told me that! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it when people are frank with me. [ grabs briefcase ] But I’m afriad we are going to have to impound this.
Jewel Smuggler: Well, they’re not.. they’re not in my briefcase..
Customs Officer: I see. Are they in your pockets?
Jewel Smuggler: No.
Customs Officer: Well, do you have them with you right now? Be honest.
Jewel Smuggler: [ uncomfortable ] Yes..
Customs Officer: Are they hidden on your body somewhere?
Jewel Smuggler: Sort of..
Customs Officer: Don’t be afraid – just tell me where onyour body.
Customs Officer: Oh.. You know.. it took a lot of guts for you to tell me that. Something so private, I am really proud of you!
Jewel Smuggler: Thank you, but..
Customs Officer: [ to the crowd ] Everyone, could I have yourattention for just a minute, please? [ to Jewel Smuggler ] What is yourname?
Jewel Smuggler: [ whispering ] Arthur.
Customs Officer: Listen, everybody! This man, Arthur, just didsomething so courageous! He made a bad mistake, but he did theright thing, and he told me about it!
Man in Line: What did he do wrong?
Jewel Smuggler: Well, it seems that Artur here smuggled diamonds.. in a.. body cavity.. Now, that was a hard thing to talk about, but Artur was very honest. I think you should all try to be a little more like Arthur! [ the crowd applauds his honesty ] Yes, indeed. You’re gonna have to spend a long time in jail, Arthur.. but right now, I see a young man who deserves some ice cream! Come on, you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
March 25th, 1989 Mary Tyler Moore Elvis Costello None Jeff Renaudo Tom Davis Andy Murphy Marc Shaiman The 61st Annual Academy Awards
Montage
Mary Tyler Moore’s MonologueBio: Mary Tyler Moore (1936-). Actress; co-starred on TV series “The Dick Van Dyke Show”, 1961-66; later starred on TV series “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”, 1970-77; films include: “Ordinary People” (1980). Transcript
The Dan Quayle ShowRecurring Characters: Dan Quayle, Marilyn Quayle.
Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I’m really excited, I’m really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part – the monologue – is something I’ve really been dreading.. um.. I’ve been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my `Mom always said, “Just don’t talk about yourself, it’s rude to talk about yourself, especially in public.” So, you know, I’ve never felt comfortable doing it – I don’t feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I’ve already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I’ve asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.
[ audience goes wild upon Hurt’s entrance ]
William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn’t much time, and a lot to cover, so let’s get started. I’ve known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she’s right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: “Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work.” And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night – always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.
Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I’m a friend of Glenn’s, so I’m prejudiced – but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America’s hardest-working actres, she’s also my friend.
Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?
William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!
Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I’ll be right back!
Air Date:
