Month: October 2018

Johnny O’Connor

Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Johnny O’Connor…..Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: 1947 Hollywood ]

[ open on Harry’s office – the walls adorned with Johnny O’Connor movie posters ]

Harry: Johnny! Good to see you!

Johnny O’Connor: Hello, Harry, how’s tricks?

Harry: not bad for an old dog! [ both men laugh ] Have a seat. [ Johnny sits ] How’s the film going?

Johnny O’Connor: Well, I just shot the last scene. [ re-enacts that last scene for Harry ] There I was in the cockpit, surrounded by zeroes, enemy aircraft carrier in my sight! My machine guns were empty! I had one bullet left! [ screams ] Aaaagggghhhhhhh!!!!

Harry: [ jumps up ] Alright, snap out of it!

Johnny O’Connor: You snap out of it!

Harry: You snap out of it! [ slaps Jonnhy’s face ]

Johnny O’Connor: Sorry, Harry. I think I got a little lost in this role.

Harry: Yeah, I guess you did.

Johnny O’Connor: Anyway, I’m sure “Yankee Kamikazee” is going to be a real winner.

Harry: Well, I hope you’re right..

Johnny O’Connor: [ reflecting ] Maybe I’ve made too many of these war movies. Maybe I should take a rest, huh, Harry?

Harry: Well, I’m glad you brought that up, Johnny.. I was thinking you should take a rest, too. A permanent one.

Johnny O’Connor: [ confused ] What do you mean?

Harry: I’m letting you go.

Johnny O’Connor: You mean..?

Harry: Yes. Your contract isn’t being renewed.

Johnny O’Connor: But, Harry, I..

Harry: You’re finished, Johnny!

Johnny O’Connor: Don’t mince words!

Harry: I think you stink!

Johnny O’Connor: Listen, Harry, if you’re unhappy with my work, tell me now!

Harry: You’re through, do you hear me, through! You’ll never work in this town again!

Johnny O’Connor:Don’t leave me hanging by a thread! Let me know how I stand!

Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!

Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?

Harry: [ angry ] Now, you listen to me, Johnny O’Connor: you’ve been flying in that airplane too long, and it’s time you were grounded!

Johnny O’Connor: Nobody shoots down Johnny O’Connor.. You’re forgetting something, Harry! I’m a hero! I’ve made twelve war movies for you, Harry, and they’ve all made gold! I’ve knocked more Mitsubishis out of the sky than any man alive!

Harry: Look, Johnny.. Johnny, you’re forgetting something: the Japanese are our allies now. The war is over, Johnny. So are you.

Johnny O’Connor: [ persistent ] Is it the booze, Harry? The dames? I’ll cut back!

Harry: No, no, Johnny..

Johnny O’Connor: Is it the pills?

Harry: No.

Johnny O’Connor: The sheep?

Harry: No.

Johnny O’Connor: The ducks?

Harry: No.

Johnny O’Connor: Your wife?

Harry: No, not.. what?!

Johnny O’Connor: What?!

Harry: What?! Oh! Get off!

Johnny O’Connor: [ near tears ] I’m sorry if I let you down, Harry. You’ve always been like a father to me..

Harry: [ reconsidering ] Oh, Johnny.. Johnny.. Alright. I’m going to give you one more chance..

Johnny O’Connor: [ excited ] Do you mean it, Harry?

Harry: Yes, I’m afraid I do.. Now, listen – I’m doing a new picture: “Reptilla”. A lizard gets mutated by an atomic blast, see? It swells up, twenty stories high! And there’s a fire-breathing tango all over Tokyo!

Johnny O’Connor: [ thinking ] Yeah.. yeah.. I think I can play a giant reptile..

Harry: Don’t be ridiculous! Reptilla will be played by a man in a rubber suit.

Johnny O’Connor: Oh.. I don’t want my face covered.

Harry: Of course not. Now, the part I have in mind for you is this one.. [ flips through script ] You’re Man #3.

Johnny O’Connor: Man #3.

Harry: You’re on an elevated train. You slip off, and get squished by Reptilla’s toe. Here, read this line.

Johnny O’Connor: [ looks at the line and recites it dramatically ] Aaaagggghhhhhh!!

Harry: Good! You can start packing, we sail a week from Tuesday.

Johnny O’Connor: Thanks, Harry, you won’t regret it! [ walks away from Harry ]

Harry: Hey, don’t forget your script!

Johnny O’Connor: [ returns, grabs script ] Yes! Science fiction! The wave of the future!

SNL Transcripts

Donahue

Phil Donahue…..Phil Hartman
Elaine Poldask…..Victoria Jackson
Phyllis Sykes…..Jan Hooks
Dr. Norma Hoeffering…..Nora Dunn
First Man…..Jon Lovitz
Second Man…..Kevin Nealon

[ Scene: Donahue Studio. Guests seated on stage, facing audience. Donahue stands in the audience bleachers with his microphone and cards. ]

Phil Donahue: Women.. are exploited in relationships! Because there’s a lot of men out there who live off them, who, who cheat on them, who, who off them, and then when they’re done using ’em, throw ’em out like last night’s garbage. [ applause from audience ] Yeah, but…you women are exploited because you want to be exploited. [ jeers from audience ] No, you want someone to take responsibility for your life and take responsibility for your problems. If I don’t exploit you, you’ll find someone else who will! [ to camera ] We’re in New York talking about women trapped in exploitive relationships.

[ Cut to “Donahue” title and theme music. Fade in to Donahue on stage ]

Phil Donahue: Elaine Poldask. You’ve been involved with a married man for eight years.

Elaine Poldask: Nine.

Phil Donahue: [ to audience] Nine years! [ to Elaine ] Why do you do it to yourself? You know, why do you keep coming back for more?

Elaine Poldask: Well, I only suspected that he was married five years ago, and then I asked him about it four years ago, and then I got the evidence three years ago, and then I confronted him with it two years ago, and finally he admitted it only last year, so really, to be fair, it has only been a year.

Phil Donahue: [ stares blankly turns to Phyllis ] Phyllis Sykes.You’ve had a string of degrading relationships.

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, I have.

Phil Donahue: Now, your last boyfriend.. [ reads cards ] ..got drunk, totaled your car, with you in it! Which left you in intensive care for over a year and.. [ Phyllis starts to cry ] ..during your painful convalescence he never visited you, he withdrew your life savings, spent the money on other women! Held orgies in your apartment, got you evicted.. [ lifts his head, stares effortlessly and shakes it in disgust ] ..and yet I understand you still live with this man.

Phyllis Sykes: [ suddenly smiles ] Well.. you would really have to meet him! David’s like.. he’s like a bad little boy, you know? He’s like.. he looks at me with these big puppy dog eyes, and I just.. I can’t stay mad at him.

Phil Donahue: [ in a low tone ] Now, he.. sold you to an Iraqibusinessman. Didn’t he?

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, yes he did. But his landscaping business wasfaltering, and there was – he needed the money, and David.. David neverintended for it to be permanent, see.

Phil Donahue: With us today is Dr. Norma Hoeffering, author of the book, Women Good, Men Bad. Doctor, you know, what the heck’s going on?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Well, Phil, these women lack a basic sense of self-worth; they feel they deserve whatever they get.

Phil Donahue: Now, what prompted you to write Women Good, MenBad? Was it something in your personal life?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it.

Phil Donahue: Oh come on now, doctor! [ paces the stage ]Isn’t this the kind of ivory tower, armchair analysis yousociologists are always handing us? Elaine and Phyllis poured their hearts out to us. Now surely you can tell us a little bit about your personal experience with men. [ convincingly puts one foot up on the stage, right in front of Norma, and faces down ]

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: My personal experience simply is not relevant to the topic. I am a clinical psychologist; this is my field of expertise. [ Donahue starts beating his head with the microphone ] I’m perfectly willing to enlighten you on why women stay in degrading relationships, but I will not discuss my personal life.

Phil Donahue: [ looks up and begs ] Pleeease!

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Drop it.

Phil Donahue: [ stands up straight ] Elaine, you gave up a career for a married man.

Elaine Poldask: Yes.. um.. because he was married, he could only give me fifteen minutes notice before a date, so I had to sit by the phone to wait for his call.

Phil Donahue: And you had been a marine biologist.

Elaine Poldask: Yes. But it was impossible for me to go to sea when I had to wait for his calls.

Phil Donahue: Okay, we’ve got a caller. Are you there? Hi!

Caller: I know exactly how these women feel. I was in a degrading, exploitive relationship with a pompous egomaniac for years. My husband was never there for me emotionally because all he cared about was his precious career.

Phil Donahue: Your voice sounds familiar. Have you called us before?

Caller: It’s your ex-wife, Phil! [ hangs up ]

Phil Donahue: Well, Doctor Hoeffering, didn’t that caller make apoint? I mean, it’s not just the mistresses, it’s not just the girlfriends who get exploited. What about the wives? Aren’t you giving them the back of your hand, I mean.. well, have you ever been married?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it, Phil.

Phil Donahue: Ever been engaged?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No.

Phil Donahue: Pinned?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No, I don’t want to discuss it.. [ reluctantly ] All right, I’m a lesbian! Okay? Are you satisfied?

Phil Donahue: [ turns to the audience ] Sir, you have a point?

First Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I just want to say that I don’t think all men are insensitive brutes. [ arguing between several audience members is heard from behind ] And.. I mean from high school I just never knew women who went out with guys who treated them badly, guys like me who are just looking for sharing and caring relationship.. someone to spend their life with..

Second Man in Audience: [ to his wife ] You’re making a fool out of yourself! [ wife gets up to leave ]

Phyllis Sykes: Excuse me. Excuse me please, I’m trying to see that very attractive man behind you. Could you sit down?

[ First Man in Audience sits down ]

Phil Donahue: [ to Second Man] Any comment?

Second Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I know what these broads need and I got it. Okay? You want a sharing relationship? I got something to share with ya! Okay? You want a buddy? Buddy up on this!

Elaine Poldask: Excuse me, do you live in the city? Do you need a lift home?

Phyllis Sykes: Phil.. uh.. are there any rules about dating members of the audience?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Excuse me, any sisters at home like you?

Phil Donahue: Well, it’s a fascinating question, I feel we justtouched the tip of the iceberg.

Second Man in Audience: I’ll give ya the tip of the iceberg!

Phil Donahue: The name of the book, is Women Good, Men Bad. [ theme music plays ] Tune in next week..

Second Man in Audience: Yeah tune in to this next week!

Phil Donahue: ..when our guest will be Lee Iacocca.

Second Man in Audience: Iacocca this!

[ Donahue flings his arms up and walks to stage, talking with guests.Superimposed title display. Fade out. ]

Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

The Crosby Show

Theo Huxtable…..Malcolm Jamal-Warner
Mrs. Crosby…..Nora Dunn
Gary Crosby…..Dana Carvey
Nathaniel Crosby…..Dennis Miller
Mary Crosby…..Jan Hooks
Bing Crosby…..Phil Hartman
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Theo Huxtable lying in bed, Bill Cosby portrayed as just a hand holding a cigar from the doorway ]

Theo Huxtable: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll try and study harder. I’m just really tired right now..

Cosby: No, no, Theo. You’re not going to try to study harder, you see? You will study harder. The man who climbed Mt. Everest did not say, “I will try to climb the mountain.” You see? Now, don’t leave this room ’til your homework’s done.

Theo Huxtable: Boy.. sometimes I wish I could be part of a different family..

[ Theo falls asleep, drifting into a dream of life with an alternate family ]

[ the dream opens on Mrs. Crosby humming “White Christmas” to herself ]

Mrs. Crosby: Mary, Gary, Nathaniel, Theo! [ the kids come down the stairs ] Come on down, kids.

Gary Crosby: Gosh, Mom, when is Dad gonna get home? I can’t wait to see him!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah, me too!

Mrs. Crosby: Now, kids, your dad’s spent a long day at the golf course, give him time to relax.

Theo Huxtable: Golf? Are we talking about the same father here?

Mary Crosby: Wait a minute.. here he comes now! It’s Dad!

[ the kids all run to the door to greet their father – Bing Crosby ]

Bing Crosby: [ entering ] Well, well, well, who brought out the welcome wagon!

[ Title Card: “The Crosby Show” ]

Bing Crosby: Whoa, now! [ eyeing his cardigan ] Easy on the Pierre Cardan! Hey, Mom, how do you handle a thirsty dad?

Mrs. Crosby: Here. [ hands him glass of orange juice ]

Bing Crosby: Ohhhhh! [ sips ] Nice O.J., Mom. Not too sweet, not too tart! [ sits ]

Gary Crosby: Dad, Mom said we should let you relax, but we’ve all got stuff we’ve just got to talk about!

Bing Crosby: Boy, boy, this sure is a blustery brood bustling about! Well, a dad’s not a dad that doesn’t do his daddly duty! Alright, Gary, what’s got your goat?

Theo Huxtable: Excuse me..

Bing Crosby: One at a time, son, wait your turn. Gary, go ahead.

Gary Crosby: Well, Dad.. I’ve been having some trouble at school..

Bing Crosby: Ohhhh.. let’s see that report card. [ reads report card ] Whoa! Trouble in History. We’d better sort things out in the library.

[ Gary exits to the library, as Bing removes his belt before exiting as well ]

Mrs. Crosby: So, Theo, having any trouble in school?

[ we now hear the crack of Bing’s belt as Gary screams ]

Theo Huxtable: Me? No! no, no, not me!

[ Gary and Bing re-enter ]

Bing Crosby: Hey, is that better, son?

Gary Crosby: Yeah! Yeah, thanks, Dad! I’m gonna go study even harder now!

Bing Crosby: Don’t mention it! Alright, who’s next?

Nathaiel Crosby: Me, Dad! Me!

Theo Huxtable: I have a-

Bing Crosby: Wait a second now, wait your turn. Okay, Nathaniel, what’s needling you?

Nathaiel Crosby: Oh, it’s girls, Dad. I just can’t think of nothing else.

Bing Crosby: [ chuckles ] “Viva la difference”, I always say!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah. It’s Janice, Dad, you see I just don’t know what to say to her.

Bing Crosby: Ooohhh, tonuge-tied, eh? Let’s toddle over and talk turkey in the library.

[ they exit to the library ]

Mrs. Crosby: Anybody thirsty?

Mary Crosby: Oh, thanks, Mom. Hey, Theo, you don’t have any problems with girls, do you?

[ sounds of Bing’s belt cracking and Nathaniel screaming ]

Theo Huxtable: Uh, me? No, no, no.. no problem..

[ Nathaniel and Bing re-enter ]

Nathaiel Crosby: Hey, thanks, Dad. I’m gonna call Janice tonight!

Bing Crosby: That’s my boy! Mom, how about serving up Nathaniel here some Minute Maid? That Vitamin C is good for those bumps and bruises.

Mrs. Crosby: Alright, Dear.

Bing Crosby: Now, what was your problem, Son?

Theo Huxtable: Problem? Ha ha ha, I don’t have a problem!

[ doorbell rings ]

Bing Crosby: Wait a second, someone’s at the door! [ answers door to find David Crosby ] Oh, it’s my way-out son, David Crosby!

David Crosby: Dad, I gotta talk to you. I got arrested for carrying a gun at a concert.

Bing Crosby: Whoa! Packing a piece at a pop show, eh?

David Crosby: Library, Dad?

Bing Crosby: Well, you’ll get your turn, Son. Right now I have to deal with Theo here.

Theo Huxtable: No, no, no..

Bing Crosby: Come on now, we’ll settle things..

Theo Huxtable: No! See, you’re not my father!

Bing Crosby: I’m not?

Theo Huxtable: My father wouldn’t handle my problems the way that you do.

Bing Crosby: Well, what does your dad do?

Theo Huxtable: Well.. he sits me down, and he does five minutes of a nightclub act.

[ a thundering sound is heard, as the superimposed head of Bill Crosby appears at the foot of the stairs ]

Bing Crosby: Uh-oh! Looks like company.

Theo Huxtable: You see, that’s my Dad! Alright!

Cosby: I am the Great and Powerful Cos. You see. I’ve come to straightne out the confused boy.

Bing Crosby: Well, you’re welcome to use the library.

Cosby: Silence! Now, Theo, do you promise to obey your father, study hard, and keep your room clean?

Theo Huxtable: How did my room get into this?

Cosby: Answer the question!

Theo Huxtable: [ meekly ] Yes.

Cosby: That’s better.

Bing Crosby: Say, Great and Powerful Cos, didn’t you open for me in the Sands in 1964.

Cosby: That was a long, long time ago!

Theo Huxtable: Dad, I’ll do anything you say. Can I go home now?

Cosby: You had the power to go home all the time. You just have to click your heels three times and say, “I won’t try, I will.”

Theo Huxtable: [ clicks heels three times ] I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. Ow! I won’t try, I will. Unh! I won’t try, I will. Here we go! I won’t try, I will…

[ dissolve back to Theo’s room ]

Cosby: Theo, how are you doing in there?

Theo Huxtable: Oh, Dad.. I just had the craziest dream.. and you were in it.. and I was in it.. and that fat guy who sang the “Wooden Ships” was in it..

Cosby: Enough of that, my son. I was just thinking if you’re having trouble studying, maybe you’d be less distracted in the library.

Theo Huxtable: [ hides under his covers ] Noooo!! Not the library!! No, not the library!!

SNL Transcripts

Bartles & Jaymes

Frank Bartles…..Phil Hartman
Ed Jaymes…..A. Whitney Brown

Frank Bartles: Hello. I am Frank Bartles. And this is my partner, Ed Jaymes.

Ed Jaymes: Hello.

Frank Bartles: We hope you enjoyed the first game of the World Series, we are sorry the Mets lost. But what a slugfest that was. Ed and I have asked the National Broadcasting Company for this time to discuss something that you may heard about – crack. In case you do not get out as much as we do, crack is a drug. Now, Ed and I tried a lot of fool things when we were young, but fortunately we stopped before we suffered any.. permanent damage. Right, Ed?

Ed Jaymes: [ nods slowly ]

Frank Bartles: At least, I did. Why, one time, Ed put a penny on a railroad track, and it got real big.. [ Ed extends his arms ] But crack is a different matter. Even a little bit can cause you to become really stupid. That is what makes people do it a second time. Crack is a killer drug. Take it from us. It is ncie to grow old. You can sit on the porch and stare at things all day. Or, you can wave at people as they drive by. Wave, Ed! [ Ed nods ] Wave, Ed! [ Ed waves ] These activities cannot be enjoyed when you are dead!

Once again, we thank you for your support, and now Ed would like to say a few words.

Ed Jaymes: “Live.. from New York.. it is Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 18th, 1986

Malcolm-Jamal Warner

Run-DMC

Spike Lee

Sam Kinison

Run-DMC, “Walk This Way”

Bartles & Jaymes

Frank Bartles (Phil Hartman) & Ed Jaymes (A. Whitney Brown) denounce crack.

Malcolm Jamal Warner’s Monologue

Dana Carvey helps self-concious Warner dance in front of the audience.

Team Xynex

Time-saving business helps employees goof off more productively.

Donahue

Donahue (Phil Hartman) talks with women in exploitive relationships.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

The Crosby Show

Theo Huxtable (Warner) dreams Bing Crosby (Phil Hartman) is his dad.

Run-DMC performs “Walk This Way”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Kevin Nealon rambles on in search of what he’s really trying to say.

Casey Kasem (Dana Carvey) pronounces Queen #1 rock group of all time.

Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem.

Johnny O’Conner

End of WWII diminishes Johnny’s (Phil Hartman) film career.

Recurring Characters: Johnny O’Conner.

Instant Coffee

Mango recalls dating Patrow, and thwarts Matt Damon’s advances.

Recurring Characters: Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

Contract

Warner has negogiated a user-friendly parent-teen drunk driving contract.

Sam Kinison

Kinison performs stand-up about growing up in his family.

Run-DMC performs “Hit It, Run”

Chalk Factory

Son (Warner) doesn’t want to follow in dad’s (Dana Carvey) footsteps.

Buster Poindexter performs “Hit The Road Jack”

SNL Transcripts

Mr. Subliminal

Secretary…..Victoria Jackson
Phil Maloney…..Kevin Nealon
Mr. Smythe…..Jon Lovitz

[ Phil Maloney, AKA Mr. Subliminal, enters the lobby of his workplace ]

Secretary: Mr. Maloney! Thank goodness you’re here, Mr. Smythe is hopping mad!

Phil Maloney: You’re kidding.

Secretary: Your subliminal advertising campaign was due yesterday!

Phil Maloney: Oh, boy.. that subliminal advertising campaign! Geez, you know, I forgot all about that – Your fault – but, I’m here now, so I might as well go see him.

Secretary: Well, uh, he’s on the phone. You’ll have to wait a second.

Phil Maloney: Okay. Boy, he’s going to be steaming – Your fault – but, that’s the way it goes.

Secretary: Well, uh, I guess I should have reminded you, Mr. Maloney.

Phil Maloney: No, no, not at all – Your fault – but, hey, you know what? That’s awful nice of you to share the blame – Your fault – seeing that I don’t hardly even know you.

Secretary: Well, I’ll tell him you’re here.

Phil Maloney: Okay. I don’t think he’ll be too mad – Your fault – but I can handle it.

Secretary: Okay. [ picks up the phone ] Mr. Smythe? Mr. Maloney is here.

Mr. Smythe: [ on phone ] Well, it’s about time!

Secretary: Actually, Sir, I think I really should apologize. I think it was my fault. [ Maloney tries to shoo her apology down ] I mean, I must have gave him the wrong deadline, or something..

Mr. Smythe: [ on phone ] Well, get your act together, and send him out here – pronto!

Secretary: Yes, Sir. [ to Maloney ] Go right in, Mr. Maloney.

Phil Maloney: Okay. [ leaning over ] Hey, do me a favor.. call me “Phil” – Hot Sex – you know, you seem like the kind of gal – Hot Sex – that I’d like to get to know a little bit better.

Secretary: Oh, no, no, Mr. Maloney.. I’m married, don’t even think about it.

Phil Maloney: Oh. Well, maybe we can just be friends – Hot Sex – and leave it at that.

Secretary: Maybe!

[ Maloney enters Mr. Smythe’s office ]

Phil Maloney: Sorry I’m late, Mr. Smythe.

Mr. Smythe: No, no, it’s not your fault! It’s that new gal we have up front. But it still doesn’t let you off the hook for that subliminal advertising campaign! I’m going to have to call you on the carpet for that one!

Phil Maloney: Yes, I’m sorry about that, Sir – No Rush – I’ll get to it immediately – No Rush – in fact, as soon as I get back to me office.

Mr. Smythe: No, take your time. Sit down, Maloney. [ Maloney sits ] You know, it’s the strangest thing. I’ve been reviewing your work record.. and it appears that since I’ve hired you for that subliminal advertising campaign, you haven’t done a lick of work, and yet everybody downstairs just raves about you.

Phil Maloney: Well, they’re a great bunch of guys – Idiots – a nice team. Let me ask you this, Sir, while I’m here – Mets Tickets – How do you manage to make this company so successful? – Mets Tickets – Because, as you know, you do.

Mr. Smythe: Ah, it’s just a lot of hard work and calculated risks.

Phil Maloney: Well, if that’s the formula – Mets Tickets – I’m gonna follow it.

Mr. Smythe: Maloney, you can’t go wrong with it.

Phil Maloney: No, sirree – Mets Tickets – not a chance!

Mr. Smythe: You know, it just occurred to me – I’ve got some Mets Tickets here. [ picks them up ] Would you like them? [ hands them to Maloney ]

Phil Maloney: Well, thank you very much, Sir! That’s awful nice of you – Company Car – but I don’t have a way down to the stadium – Company Car – Well, I’ll figure something out.

Mr. Smythe: Nonsense! Why don’t you take the company car? Here’s the keys. [ hands Maloney the keys ]

Phil Maloney: Well, that’s very generous of you, Sir – Promotion – you know, I really, really, really enjoy working here – Promotion – I mean, with all the surprises, who could complain?

Mr. Smythe: Maloney, you’re a good man. I’m gonna give you a promotion. Effective immediately. From here on, you’re in charge of the entire Eastern division.

Phil Maloney: Well, thank you very much, Sir! – Vacation! – Wow! I can’t believe my ears! The entire Eastern division! – Vacation! – Wow!

Mr. Smythe: Before you start that, though, why don’t you take a nice, long vacation? I want you to be all riled up for the job.

Phil Maloney: God thinking, Sir.

Mr. Smythe: Thanks. Now, go on, get out of here. I’ve got a lot of work to do.

Phil Maloney: Thank you, Sir.

[ Maloney exits back to the reception area, where the secretary is waiting for him ]

Secretary: Phil? I thought about it, and I think I’d like to get to know you better.

Phil Maloney: Great! That’s great! – Your Treat – Maybe we could go out to dinner tonight – Your Treat – if you feel like it.

Secretary: That’s a good idea. You know, I don’t usually do this, but.. can I treat?

Phil Maloney: Well, gee, now there’s something I don’t hear often. Sure, I guess – Four Seasons – but let’s go somewhere casual – Four Seasons – we’ll just take it easy tonight.

Secretary: No. I would love to take you to the Four Seasons Restaurant!

Phil Maloney: Four Season Restaurant?! That’s kind of expensive, isn’t it? Well, if you insist – Garter Belt – but let’s just dress casual, you know – Push-Up Bra – nothing fancy.

Secretary: [ seductively ] Okay, that’s a good idea.

Phil Maloney: Wait a minute.. look. You dress however you like – Push-Up Bra – I just thought..

Secretary: No, casual’s fine. In fact, I know exactly what I’m going to wear!

Phil Maloney: Great! And if we finish dinner early – Hot Sex – maybe we’ll go back to my apartment – Hot Sex – and watch some television?

Secretary: Okay! I guess.

Phil Maloney: And if this whole thing works out – Hot Sex – maybe I’ll call you again – Don’t Hold Your Breath – okay?
Secretary: Okay, great! Bye!

[ Maloney exits the reception area as the secretary sits down, dazed ]

SNL Transcripts

“Chopping Broccoli”

Michael…..Phil Hartman
Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey
Paula Collins…..Sigourney Weaver

[ British singer/songwriter Derek Stevens enters Paula Collins office ]

Michael: Derek!

Derek Stevens: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Welcome to L.A.! [ they both laugh ] Private joke! Derek, meet Paula Collins, our new head of A&R.

Derek Stevens: Hello, Paula. Very nice to meet you.

Paula Collins: Hi, Derek. Actually, we met at the Roxy in 1981.

Derek Stevens: ’81? Was I born yet? [ they all laugh ]

Paula Collins: Did you get settled okay?

Derek Stevens: Oh, yes. I’m out at the Chateau, actually.

Michael: Derek, you look good. I mean it.

Paula Collins: You really do.

Derek Stevens: [ confident ] I’m ready to work, I really am.

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. This is a critical album for you.

Paula Collins: We want you to score with this one.

Derek Stevens: You know, I’m sorry about Dark Impulse. I don’t know what happened there.

Michael: Oh, we have to share the blame for that one. We had a bit of a shake-up in Promotions. Some people dropped the ball and had to be let go.

Paula Collins: We’re ready to work, too, Derek.

Derek Stevens: Well, I was hoping you’d say that.. because I really want to bloody score!

Michael: Mary said you had a demo tape of the new songs. We can’t wait to hear it!

Paula Collins: We really can’t.

Derek Stevens: I.. uh.. I haven’t actually finished a tape.

Michael: Derek, your deal calls for a demo. We..

Derek Stevens: Well, I know that. I know that. But what I thought I’d do, is play some of the tracks here for you now. Live.

Michael: [ elated ] We’d love that! There’s the piano!

Paula Collins: Don’t keep us in suspense!

Derek Stevens: Great! That’s great. [ sits down at piano ] Well, these are just sort of works in progress, but, you know.. here’s one I call “The Lady I Know”. [ starts to play the piano ]

There’s a lady I know
If I didn’t know her
She’d be the lady I didn’t know.

And my lady, she went downtown
She bought some broccoli
She brought it home.

She’s chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli

She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chop.. ooh!
She’s chopping broccola-ah-ie!

Derek Stevens: Here’s another one I call “New Beginnings”:

New beginnings
New beginnings
New beginnings
New beginnings

Derek Stevens: Well, you see where that might go, you know? Sort of like, drums and bongos and the whole thing.. Well, there’s one more I want to show you. This is called “Going to the Club”:

Going to the club, gotta work out, work out
Going to the club, gotta work out, work out

Derek Stevens: Well, that’s all I’ve got now. But I’m writing every day, and that’s what I feel good about. I’m right back on the horses.

Paula Collins: Well, I think you’ve really got something.. [to Michael ] That “Broccoli” tune, are you thinking what I’m thinking, Michael?

Michael: Uh.. yes. Yes, I am. You’re.. uh.. getting back to the vegetable thing. Which seems so..

Paula Collins: Organic.

Michael: Exactly!

Derek Stevens: Oh.. great! Great! Thank you!

Paula Collins: Well, thank you for everything!

Michael: Tell Barry well be in touch.

Derek Stevens: Alright! Great! Thanks! Ta!

[ Derek exits ]

SNL Transcripts

Quiz Masters

Bill Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
Lane Maxwell…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: It’s time once again for America’s most challenging game show – “Quiz Masters”, with your host, “Big” Bill Franklin!

Bill Franklin: Thank you! Thanks a lot! Hey, do you like the new haircut? I went to Pat Sajak’s barber, I thought it might help the ratings, who knows..? [ Lane Maxwell buzzes in ] Uh.. yeas?

Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: I’m sorry?

Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior! That’s the answer to the first question!

Bill Franklin: Whoa, slow down, my friend! The game has not yet begun! First, let’s meet our contestants! [ walks over ] Hello, what’s your name, and what do you do?

Marge Keister: Hello! I’m Marge Keister, and I work for Crackerjacks, Inc.

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: [ throuh gritted teeth ] Sir, the game hasn’t begun, okay? [ to Marge ] Crackerjacks, huh?

Marge Keister: Yes, sir, that’s correct!

Bill Franklin: Say, could you people do something about the prizes? You know, the prizes used to be terrific, but lately all you get are little stickers of Care Bears!

Marge Keister: Oh, I’m sorry, you know, I don’t work in that department..

Bill Franklin: Uh-uh! Better prizes! Am I right? [ rallies the audience ] Yeah! Of course, I’m right! Thank you! Now, Mr. Enthusiasm. What’s your name, and what do you do?

Lane Maxwell: My name is Lane Maxwell. I’m a professional psychic.

Bill Franklin: Really? You mean, you can predict the future?

Lane Maxwell: That’s correct. I’m the autohr of.. [ holds up book ] ..”I Knew You Were Going To Buy This Book”.

Bill Franklin: Well, that’s terrific!

Lane Maxwell: When I was about 9.

Bill Franklin: When did you first realize you had this incredible power..? Oh! You already answered! That’s very good!

Lane Maxwell: I wonder.. could I answer the first question now, please?

Bill Franklin: One second, Lane! [ returns to his podium ] Now, you both know the rules. For the first round, each question is worth $50. And our first question..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] That’s correct! The question was: “What is the largest of the Great Lakes?” Alright! Very good! Our next question, and listen very carefully..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] 8!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct! The question was: “How many men on the Supreme Court?” Sort of a trick question – there are 9 members but only 8 are men. Okay..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] John Adams!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct!! The question was: “Name our second President?” So, our score: Lane, $150; the Crackerjack Lady, $0. Marge, are you trying?

Marge Keister: Yes, I am trying, Bill.. I don’t think this is fair – he’s a psychic..

Bill Franklin: Alright, alriight, alright.. Which beings us to the Ivy League ound, where each question is worth double. And the first question is.. [ Marge buzzes in ] Marge!

Marge Keister: [ thinking ] Uh..

Lane Maxwell: [ whispers ] Lee Iacocca.

Marge Keister: Lee Iacocca, Bill!

[ buzzer ]

Bill Franklin: No. Sorry. I’m sorry, Marge. Lane, the question goes to you.

Lane Maxwell: A meteor!

[ buzzer ]

Bill Franklin: No! no, no.. that’s wrong. The question: “What is the largest continent?” And the answer, of course, was Asia. Asia. Okay. And the next question..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] A meteor!

Bill Franklin: No, sorry. Gee.. I’llask Marge. Who starred with Meryl Streep in “Kramer Vs. Kramer?”

Marge Keister: Ooh.. that’s Dustin Hoffman!

Bill Franklin: That’s right, for $100! Very good! Very good!

Lane Maxwell: That’s very strange.. I distinctly saw a meteor.. My premonitions are never wrong!

Bill Franklin: Hmm.. well, there’s a first time for everything! Marge is now on the board with $100! Now, it’s tiem for our Final Jackpot Question, worth $500! The question is..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] I have to say meteor, Bill!

Bill Franklin: No.. sorry. no!

Lane Maxwell: I can’t understand it, I.. I clearly see a grey, smouldering orb.. it’s so vivid, it’s so real!

Bill Franklin: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Well, nonetheless, the question goes to Marge! Marge, you answer this correctly, you’ll have a total of $600, and win the game! Are you ready!

Marge Keister: Yes, I am, Bill!

Bill Franklin: Marge, can you name the first Book of the Bible?

Marge Keister: Ohh.. yes, I can, Bill! You see, I taught Sunday school for about seven years, and..

[ suddenly, a meteor crashs into the studio, landing on Marge and knocking her out cold ]

Bill Franklin: Judges? She’s disqualified! Oh, boy.. So, Lane.. Lane Maxwell is our winner. Lane, I know this isn’t the way you wanted to win..

Lane Maxwell: I don’t mind!

Bill Franklin: Okay. Join us next time on “Quiz Masters”, when we’ll meet the opponent of Lane, okay!

Lane Maxwell: I’m gonna win, $750 to nothing!

Bill Franklin: Well, tune in anyway, just to see what I’m gonna wear, will ya!

Lane Maxwell: A light brown blazer!

Bill Franklin: Come on! Good night, everybody![ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Madonna: “It Was All a Dream”

…..Madonna

Madonna: Hi, I’m Madonna. [ minimal audience response ] I said, Madonna! [ major audience applause ] Thank you. That’s more like it.

As you may remember, one year ago tonight I hosted the premiere episode of “Saturday Night Live”. Therefore, NBC has asked me to read the following statement, concerning last year’s entire season. [ takes out a piece of paper ] Ready? [ reading ] “It was all a dream, a horrible, horrible dream.” And now, to confuse you even further, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

The Pathological Liar

Miss Harrington…..Sigourney Weaver
Laura…..Nora Dunn
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Miss Harrington and Laura having tea together in her home ]

Miss Harrington: But I don’t understand – why are you telling me this?

Laura: I’m telling you, because Tommy Flanagan is a pathological lair, and he’s been making fools of both of us!

Miss Harrington: No. It’s just not possible. Thomas is too sweet.

Laura: Alright, then, answer me this – where was he last weekend?

Miss Harrington: At the Master’s Tennis Open. He came in second, you know.

Laura: Wrong! He was with me in Atlantic City! He even got me these diamond earrings!

Miss Harrington: Oh, those are lovely! I used to have a pair exactly like them.

Laura: You did?

Miss Harrington: Oh, but some burglars broke in last week. Fortunately, that’s all they got, because Thomas chased them off. He’s so brave! Anyway.. mine weren’t real, just cheap costume jewelry.. [ Laura pulls her earrings off, as the doorbell rings ] Oh! That must be him! [ answers the door ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ enters, noticing Laura right away ] Laura! What are you..? I mean.. uh.. uh.. uh.. who’s this?

Laura: You see? He knows me!

Tommy Flanagan: Uh, yeah.. I.. I seen you on TV!

Laura: I’ve never been on TV!

Tommy Flanagan: Uh, yeah.. you were on.. “Candid Camera”!

Laura: I was?

Miss Harrington: I think I saw that show! How was your day, dear?

Tommy Flanagan: Uh, uh.. pretty good.. I had lunch with the President! Yeah! In fact, he promoted me! Yeah. I’m gonna be the new spokesman for the State Department! Yeah.. sure, I am. It turned out that other guy was a liar! Well, I gotta go..

Miss Harrington: But you just got here.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah, well, I.. I.. I got some business in.. in.. in Nicauragua!

Laura: Tommy! Before you take off, maybe Miss Harrington should read this note you left by my bed this morning! [ holds up note ]

Miss Harrington: [ reads ] “Dear Laura: Sorry about last night. That’s never happened to me before. It was the first time. That’s it! Yeah! That is the ticket!”

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. I couldn’t have written that! I don’t talk like that!

Miss Harrington: And, besides, that happens to him all the time!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! [ frowns ]

Laura: Oh, well, then.. what about this tattoo you talk me into getting! [ pulls shirt open to reveal “Tommy” surrounded by hearts on her chest ]

Tommy Flanagan: That.. it’s, uh.. uh.. yeah!

Miss Harrington: There! You see?

Tommy Flanagan: There! You see?

Laura: Alright, then! [ holds up newspaper ] How about this picture of us in the picture together, dated last Thursday?

Miss Harrington: Thomas.. I hope you can explain this!

Tommy Flanagan: Alright, alright, ladies.. I’m gonna come clean with ya.. I’m gonna tell you the truth! [ paces ] You see.. the truth is.. uh.. that, uh.. that’s my double! Yeah! I’m a spy! Yeah, in fact.. I’m a double agent! Yeah, that’s it! Why, I’m so important, there’s two of me! Yeah! And they sent him to Atlantic City to see, uh.. to see if there was any gambling going on! Yeah. And they still don’t know!

Laura: But it looks just like you!

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, no, no.. that’s black and white! I’m in color!

Miss Harrington: Oh! Well, that explains everything!

Laura: Yeah, I guess so.. I guess I owe the both of youse a big apology..

Tommy Flanagan: Well, uh.. don’t worry about it. Well, there’s the door.. [ Laura prepares to leave ] Well, if I see your double, I’ll.. I’ll tell him to call you first thing Monday morning.. say.. 9:00 AM.

Laura: Uh.. at work?

Tommy Flanagan: No..you’d better make it home, he doesn’t have your work number..

Laura: Okay..

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. uh.. goodbye! [ kisses her passionately behind Miss Harrington’s back ]

Laura: Nice meeting you, Mrs. Harrington! [ exits ]

Miss Harrington: Thomas. Do you have something you want to tell me?

Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. yeah, I do, Louise..

Miss Harrington: Margaret!

Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. well, youknow how I said I was at the Master’s Tennis Open..?

Miss Harrington: Yes?

Tommy Flanagan: And I said I came in second?

Miss Harrington: Yes?

Tommy Flanagan: Well, I.. I didn’t.. I came in first! Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was, uh.. uh.. it was Wimbeldon! And I beat Ivan Lendl with one hand tied behind my foot! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Miss Harrington: Oh, Thomas! I’m so proud!

[ they make out, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts