[ Mr. Robinson enters his apartment dressed as Santa Claus ]
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] “It’s a beautiful day in the neigborhood A beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won’t you be my neighbor?”
Hello, boys and girls! You know, Christmas is a special time in Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood. It’s a time for giving, and look what Mr. Landlord gave me – it’s an eviction notice. Well, that’s why Mr. Robinson has to wear this Santa Claus suit to sneak in and out of his building. But it just isn’t a disguise, boys and girls. Because, when I add this little pail here, and when I have this little bell, it becomes a small business. [ rings the bell ] Yes, Christmas is a season for giving, and for taking! And with this little operation, I figure I’ll be taking on about $300-400 a day! Oh, why oh why, must Christmas come but once a year?
[ puts his stuff away ]
You know, another reason why Mr. Robinson likes Christmas so much, boys and girls, is because I have so much in common with Santa Claus. We both like to sneak into your house late at night. Only Mr. Santa Claus likes to leave things. Mr. Robinson prefers to take a few things every now and then. Let’s see what I have for Christmas today. [ reaches into his sack ] Oh, look.. a little doll baby! Isn’t it so cute, boys and girls? It’s not worth a lot right now, but, through the miracles of modern science.. [ pulls off the head, and replaces it with a cabbage ] ..Cabbage Patch doll! Now they’re worth a lot of cabbage! I could sell these to little stupid kids for about $50 each! $50 each! Can you believe that! That’s why I love Christmas! And that’s today’s word, boys and girls. [ walks over to the word board, which has “X-MAS” written on it ] “Christ-mas”. You know any other words that start with “X”, boys and girls? How about.. [ flips card over to show word “X-CON” ] ..Ex-con”? [ a knock is heard at the door ] Who could that be, boys and girls?
Voice At Door: Robinson! Are you the guy that sold my kid a head of lettuce with a dress on it?!
Mr. Robinson: That reminds me of another word, boys and girls, that begins with “X” – “Ex-scape”! [ grabs his bag ] Well, I’ll see you later. And remember: “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll visit you tomorrow when you’re sound asleep..” [ jumps out window ] Goodbye, boys and girls!
Eddie Murphy: Thank you! [Applause continues. Eddie twirls both of his hands and points upward, sending the audience into even more of a frenzy] Oh, thank you.
This is very bizarre, ’cause I grew up on this show, it’s bizarre to host it. I feel strange, and I’m very nervous, ’cause I haven’t done this in a year and a half, so just bear with me. I said last year that, um, when I left the show, I swore that I would never do Saturday Night Live again, because I said the show was terrible. Really, and I did 48 Hours and Trading Places, and I felt I was an actor now. It was like “Saturday Night Live? HA!” Really, that was my vibe last year. And after I did 48 Hours and Trading Places, all these scripts started comin’ from everywhere, and I picked up a script called Best Defense there’s a movie that sucked real bad! At first, I wasn’t gonna do it, because I read the script, and I felt like I was an actor at first, but the money they gave me to do Best Defense, y’all woulda done Best Defense, too, okay!
But I read the script at first, and the script was terrible, I was like, “What?! How dare you give me a script like this! Oh, that much money? Let’s go!” So I read the script Best Defense, I went out and did Best Defense, Best Defense turned out to be the worst movie ever done in the history of anything, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t that hot no more. So, I called up the producer of Saturday Night Live, and I go, “Um, you still got my dressin’ room?” and he said, “Why don’t you come back on the show and host the Christmas show?” so I said, “You bet!” So, I signed the contracts to host the Christmas show, and while I was waiting for Christmas to come, sitting in my house by myself, somebody brought me a script for a movie called Beverly Hills Cop [Applause at mention of the movie]. Did Beverly Hills Cop, Beverly Hills Cop is a hit, all of a sudden, I’m an actor again. But, it’s too late to pull out, so I had to host the show.
But, I’m back, and oddly enough, I been having a good time, and the new people are fun, and it’s bizarre to be standin’ here, but I been havin’ a good time, it’s good to be back this week, but before we get into the laugh stuff, and I want you to know you can laugh, you can have a good time tonight, we have a good time and you gonna laugh, not everything on the show is hysterical. I know lots of times they tell you we have a great show, they come out, and they lie to you. You sit there and you see some things that suck. Tonight is the same. Most of the show is good, but, there’ll be 2 or 3 things that you’ll go, “That’s not funny!” and I just want you to be prepared for that, okay.
Now, before we get into the funny stuff, I want you to see something I take very seriously, I want you to watch somethin’. Watch this.
[Monologue comes to an end as screen dissolves to “White Like Eddie”]
Shabazz K. Morton: Hello, my name is Professor Shabazz K. Morton. In 1895, at the Tuskagee Institute in Alabama, a black man named George Washington Carver developed a new method of soul.. soil.. improvement through crop rotation.. [ a couple of audience members snicker at Murphy’s blooper, causing him to break character ] So I messed up – SHUT UP! [ adjusting his shades so he can read the cue cards ] Stop clapping before y’all make me smile! [ back in character ] ..to end the South African cultural dependence on cotton alone. As a result, Carver came up with hundreds of industrial uses for the peanut. Sure, industrial uses.
Meanwhile, one night, he’s having a few friends over to his house for dinner. And one of them leans over and says to Dr. Carver, “Excuse me, George? What’s that your putting on your bread?” Carver says, “Oh, that’s nothing but a butter substitute that I made from peanuts. I can’t digest all that animal fat, you know.” So the other fellow tasted it, and he says, “Hmm.. this pastes pretty.. this tastes..” [ the audience again laughs at Murphy’s blooper, causing him to break character again ] Yeah? Keep on smiling. [ back in character ] “This tastes pretty good, man. Mind if we take a peek at the recipe?” And Dr. Carver says, “Take a peek? Man, you can have it. Who’s gonna eat butter made out of peanuts? No, I’m working on a method to compress peanuts into phonograph needles.”
So, Professor Carver’s two dinner guests.. [ Murphy removes his shades for better cue card reading ] ..Edward “Skippy” Williamson and Frederick “Jif” Armstrong – two white men – stole George Washington Carver’s recipe for peanut butter, copyrighted it, and reaped untold fortunes from it. While Dr. Carver died penniless and insane, still trying to play a phonograph record with a peanut.
This has been “Black History Minute”. I’m Professor Shabazz K. Morton. Good night.
Alfred Jenkins….Christopher Guest Bishop Desmond Tutu….Eddie Murphy Doug Flutie….Rich Hall
[Opens with kind of heroic music theme. On ablackboard the title MILESTONES. The host is in hisbusiness suit sitting in the middle]
Alfred Jenkins: Good evening. I’m Alfred Jenkins andwelcome to “Milestones”, the show that recognizesgreatness. Tonight we have 2 guests who have achievedgreatness in their respective fields. To my left is aman who has been described as the unifying leader inthe fight against South African apartheid and achampion of basic human rights throughout the world.Winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize, Bishop Desmond Tutu.
[Bespectacled Bishop Tutu, gray head of hair, blacksuit, a medal hangs from his neck.]
[Caption: Bishop Desmond Tutu. 1984 Nobel Prize Winner]
Alfred Jenkins: To my right, Heisman Trophy winnerDoug Flutie of Boston College.
[Caption: Doug Flutie Heisman Trophy Winner]
Alfred Jenkins: Welcome, gentlemen. Bishop Tutu, firstof all, I wanted to say how shocked and distressed Iwas that even as you were being presented thisvenerable symbol of peace, a bomb threat was taking place.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, in my estimation, the bombthreat represents the sheer desperation of thoseopposed to basic human principles of freedom and justice.
[Alfred turns to Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: So, Doug. Speaking of bombs, that passagainst Miami…if there was ever a doubt in anyone’smind that you deserve this trophy—[picks Heismantrophy up]have you seen this Bishop?[gives it to Tutu]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Yes, I was admiring it. It isvery nice. Very imppresive indeed, I like this.
[Alfred turns to Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: What was going through your mind whenyou floated that pass?
Doug Flutie: Well, basically Alfred, we call it “theHail Mary pass” You just close your eyes[Doug closeshis eyes]and say “Hail Mary, please let thisball[Bishop Tutu drops the Heisman Trophy]land in thewide receiver’s hands. Please, you humble servant,Doug Flutie…Amen”[Bishop Tutu holds the HeismanTrophy and the severed arm of the footbal player onthe trophy up] And that was it. Basically. A littlebit of good timing and a little bit of luck.
[Alfred notices the broken trophy and tries as best hecan to distract Doug from his now broken trophy]
Alfred Jenkins: Huh? Luck? So, why don’t we watch theplay on the monitor over here? Why don’t you just turnyour chair and tell us what we’re going to see, ok?
[Alfred turns Doug’s chair away from Tutu and facing atv screen. Doug’s famous play is playing on the tv screen]
Doug Flutie: Ah, well basically this is the “splitright 3” or “keyhole” formation….[keeps explaining]
Alfred Jenkins: “Keyhole”? Right.[turns to Bishop Tutumad as hell, keeping the conversation away fom Doug’s ears] What is the matter with you?
Bishop Demaond Tutu: The thing just dropped down.
Alfred Jenkins: What did you drop it for?!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It was a mistake! I didn’t mean to drop it!
Alfred Jenkins: Don’t make that mistake anymore.
Doug Flutie:….really let the thing fly. And luckily,the wide receiver….
[Alfred turns back to Bishop Tutu]
Alfred Jenkins: How are you going to fix it?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me don’t know how to fix the thing!
Alfred Jenkins: Ok, we do this, ok?
[takes out piece of gum, puts it in his mouth, chews]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I’m a bishop, not a welder.
Alfred Jenkins: This is how we fix it, ok?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Tell him: “Doug Flutie, the thing broke.”
Alfred Jenkins: Here.[gives Tutu the chewed piece of gum] Stick this on.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stick the gum on? Put it under here.
Alfred Jenkins: You stick it on and fix it.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put it on there.
Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining, oblivious] Here it isagain. What I wanted to do was to go back and reallylet loose with one….
Alfred Jenkins: Right, I can seen why.
Doug Flutie:….many times before.
Alfred Jenkins: Right. What a play. And need I remindthe viewers[takes Heisman from Tutu, holds it in hislap, Chris cracks up a little bit]that this cementedyour hold on—[mangled Heisman Trophy with badlyattached arm, Doug looks at it worried. Alfred givesHeisman back to Bishop Tutu] Doug, why don’t we watchthat again? You know, let’s see that again in slowmotion.[Alfred turns Doug chair around again towardsthe tv screen]You just whip around here.
Doug Flutie: I think I clearly indicated before, itwas a “split-right 3”,what we call a “flood tip” formation.
Alfred Jenkins: Uhu, uhu, right.[turns to BishopTutu]What are you doing?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me tried to fix the thing. It break off!
Alfred Jenkins:[panicked]Do it quickly, ok?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me try the best I can! It don’twant to stick back on.
Alfred Jenkins: You’re not doing this fast enough.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: What am I supposed to do now?
Alfred Jenkins: Fix it. That’s all I’m asking you.You’re not supposed to break it.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I didn’t break it on purpose!
Alfred Jenkins: What about that stuff in your hair? What is that?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: That’s a “Carefree Curl”. That’snot gonna make it stick on. It would just make it curlier.
Alfred Jenkins: Just fix it, all right!
[Bishop Tutu takes his medal off, throws it on thetable in front of him, takes the ribbon and attachesthe Trophy’s arm with the blus ribbon]
Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining]I’m just back and I’mgonna…I’m gonna unleash the thing….
Alfred Jenkins: Right.
Doug Flutie: That’s it, basically.
Alfred Jenkins: Well, that is a spectacular piece ofstrategy and fully deserving of this–[Heisman Trophywrapped with a blue ribbon holds the arm in place.Doug picks his Heisman Trophy]
Doug Flutie: What’s this?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh, it is an armband. A unifyingsymbol of our commitment to fighting racism all over the world.
Doug Flutie: Right. Well, that’s nice Tutu. But Ireally don’t think that I can take your only ribbon there.
[Doug starts taking the ribbon off, Alfred quicklytakes the Heisman Trophy from Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: Tutu, did you notice this? How hisname is engraved on there?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh! Isn’t that nice?
Alfred Jenkins: Isn’t that something else?[to Doug]Speaking of something else, the pass that you threw, Imean talk about…why don’t we look at it againbecause it is such an amazing play.
Doug Flutie: No. No! We’re not gonna look at the playagain. I’ve been on 200 talk shows now, and I’ve hadto talk this play for 200…[Bishop Tutu leaves withthe trophy]I’m sick of it, frankly. It was a luckyplay, that’s all. Had nothing to do with….my eyeswere closed, you know? It was a fluke. That was it.
[Bishop Tutu is hunched down and a man is welding theHeisman Trophy, blowtorch buzzes, sparks]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put the thing there. Hold it over.
Doug Flutie: Now for the rest of my life, what’s goingto happen? That was my moment in the sun.
[Bishop Tutu keeps working the Trophy]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hurry, now!
Doug Flutie: My moment in the sun was not even my moment…
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The thing not taking now!
Doug Flutie: Who’s gonna hire me? I’m 5’9″. Who’sgonna draft me? If I’m lucky I’ll get a beercommercial out of this. An off brand or something.
[Tutu sits back down, fake smile on his face]
Doug Flutie: No…my entire life, I’ll be sittingaround is a trailer park somewhere, people will say:”Come on Dougie, let’s see the film again! Show itagain, Dougie!” Can’t you see how one play has ruined my entire life?
[Alfred tries to cheer him up]
Alfred Jenkins: Well, one play that’s guaranteed youthis, the Heis—[the trophy is a melted, mangled ballof steel now, Alfred gives it to Doug]Heisman Trophy.Thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. Tutu, if youwin anything else, come back, ok?
Doug Flutie:[shocked,confused]What is this?
Alfred Jenkins: Thanks for watching “Milestones”.
Doug Flutie: What is this?
[ show’s music theme plays]
Alfred Jenkins: It’s the—ummm, I don’t know what you call this….
[ Eddie has his arms wrapped around longtime NBC propmaster Willie Day and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. ]
Eddie Murphy: The show was pretty good. But, the reason I came back – – more than anything – – is that this is Willie Day.
[ Audience starts to applaud. ]
Eddie Murphy: Wait a second! He has been working here for 38 years. This is his last show, hes retiring, and I was here for it! Willie Day!!! What a show, huh!? Thank you!!!
[ Eddie and Julia share a kiss. Eddie then kisses Willie on the forehead. ]
[Opens on Alfalfa sitting in a chair reading the newspaper]
Alfalfa: And then Mr. Dithers says “Dagwood, you should’ve been in the office at 9 am!” and Dagwood says, “Why, what did I miss?” [Laughs] That’s good! I love Blondie! Well, I think I’ll turn to the sports and see how the Giants are doing. I sure hope they gained the wildcard spot. My oh my, what a huge crowd scene [Suddenly stares at the paper in shock] But, it can’t be! That’s impossible! [Takes a magnifying glass and takes a closer look at the photo, which reveals Buckwheat sitting in the crowd] It just can’t be! But he died! He died two years ago! I saw it with my own eyes!
[Dissolves to flashback footage of Buckwheat walking through a cheering crowd]
Buckwheat: No audogafs, please, please! I wud you! I wud you! I wud you! [Someone in the crowd shouts Buckwheat’s name] Yes? [Shots ring out, Buckwheat has been shot]
[Dissolves back to Alfalfa]
Alfalfa: It’s him alrighty, he’s alive! Buckwheat is alive!
[SUPER: To Be Continued]
[Dissolves to the 1984-1985 opening montage without saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”]
Mr. Blackwell…..Harry Shearer Eric de Monet…..Gary Kroeger Rajeev Vindaloo…..Christopher Guest
Welcome to “Strictly From Blackwell”, hosted by fashion expert, Mr.Blackwell. He introduces his guests, topless Chippendales dancer Eric de Monet, and wine expert Rajeev Vindaloo:
Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev is one of the top experts in the world today on the subject of wine. And I believe you brought your book with you today, which I believe is called.. what?
Rajeev: It’s called Send It Back.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, good. Now, is.. is the idea here that we don’t know enough about wine to know whether or not to send it back, or that it’s a good idea to send it back, whether or not the wine is good?
Rajeev: Well, basically, the premise of my book is that the people who run these restaurants, you see, is that they just dress up in a tuxedo for the night, you see. They know nothing more than you, you see, nothing more. And so, if the wine steward, you see, is being rude to you, and you do not like his attitude, you just send him, send it back, you know?
[ Rajeev now plans to sample some various wines for Mr. Blackwell ]
Rajeev: The first one is a Midvale Abbey Melois, ’82..
Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now, when wine people sniff the glass before they taste the wine, many people wonder why this is.
Rajeev: Well, you see, Mr. Blackwell, they’re not sniffing the glass, you see. They’re sniffing the bouquet of the wine, you see? A wine lover’s way of describing the bouquet is the odor emitted from the wine, you see.
Mr. Blackwell: Good. Now, how would you describe this wine right here?
Rajeev: Well, you see, this is a wine I would not even drink. And there’s a tip-off, you see: it has no cork. It has a screw-off cap, you see. And my suggestion is, you know, if you do buy this, is if you have a sink at home that has hair in it.. [ Mr. Blackwell starts to laugh ] ..you know, you pour it in, and maybe it will unclog it, or something like that..
Mr. Blackwell: Okay! I think you’re being a little rough on the wine, ha ha ha ha!!
Rajeev: Okay, our second wine, is this one, you see. And, again, you know, we’re in trouble, you see, because the label here has dogs on it playing poker.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, but in fairness, so many wine labels these days do have pictures. What would be a good picture? Let’s deal with a positive. What would be a good picture? Grapes? A picture of grapes?
Rajeev: No, no. Grapes, you see, is self-explanatory. That’s like saying, you know.. uh, seeing a picture of a banana on a banana. I know what this is, don’t show me this, you know?
Mr. Blackwell: Okay..
Rajeev: We have one left. And we’re on a good start, you see,because it has a cork, and it has a very attractive label, and so what we do now is let the wine breathe a little bit, you see?
Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now. Interesting. Does wine actually breathe? Because I know that silk breathes. Cotton breathes. Certain very fine polyblends will breathe slightly..
Rajeev: Yes, yes, it does.. [ Rajeev sniffs the wine ] This is a mischievious wine. If this wine were a child, I would slap it on the hand and I would send it to bed. You know what I would say? I would say, “You mean wine. You go away from me!” That’s what I would say.
Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev.. [ he laughs ] ..you are a stern taskmaster – I can speak from personal experience. Okay, the name of the book is Send It Back, and it’s in bookstores, wine stores, where would we find this? Would this be in fine stores..?
Rajeev: Fine stores everywhere, yes. And, if you have any questions in your mind, just Send It Back.
Mr. Blackwell:Send It Back. Okay, that’s good advice.Although, if I were a woman, I must be fair. I think that might be the kind of wine I’d like to drink, I don’t know. Have you met Eric de Monet over here?
Rajeev: No. But I have been admiring.. his bow tie.
Mr. Blackwell: [ laughing ] It is interesting. We have just seen him sitting over here, looking like a little statue, and we must find out what he is about, the whole Chippendale’s line of fragrances.. for men.. Eric, we are out of time. I wish we had two hours, or three cameras, or something. But you must come back..
Eric: I’d love to!
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, and we will find out whether this is all you..
Eric: No.. I’m wearing a bodystocking.
Mr. Blackwell: Okay, wonderful. [ laughs ] Until then, “Strictly From Blackwell”, we must vanish. Thank you, bye bye.
Auctioneer…..Martin Short First Bidder…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Ann…..Mary Gross Second Bidder…..Gary Kroeger Third Bidder…..Pamela Stephenson …..Ringo Starr
Auctioneer: Do I hear forty-five thousand dollars? I hear forty-five thousand dollars. Do I hear fifty? Fifty thousand for the guitiar pick used by John Lennon while recording “8 Days a Week.” No? Forty-five thousand once, forty-five twice, sold–to the gentleman in the second row for forty-five thousand dollars. (Applause from bidders) Now, if you will turn to page 21 in your catalogues, we have Lot 35, a particularly fine piece: a toothbrush used by Paul McCartney during the Rubber Soul recording sessions. It’s a blue, medium-bristle Oral B 40 with one of those little pointy rubber things at the other end. Yes, madame?
First Bidder: DId Paul actually use the little pointy rubber thing?
Auctioneer: It is our understanding that he did. I will open the bidding at sixty thousand dollars. Do I hear sixty? (A hand is raised) Do I hear seventy thousand dollars? (Another hand is raised.) Do I hear eighty thousand dollars? (Another hand is raised.) Do I hear ninety thousand dollars?
First Bidder: A hundred and ten thousand dollars.
Auctioneer: $110,000 once, $110,000 twice, sold–to the woman in the third row.
(Applause from other bidders)
Auctioneer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will turn to page 22 in your catalogues, we have Lot 36, Ringo Starr.
(Ringo Starr enters, dressed in his classic Beatles “Ed Sullivan Show” outfit of black slacks, grey collarless jacket over a white dress shirt. Ann leads him around the room to display him.)
Auctioneer: He was for nine years the drummer with the Beatles and performed with them on all thier albums and tours. As you can see, he’s in very good condition. I will open the bidding at $75,000. Do I hear 75? Do I hear $75,000 for this drummer with the Beatles? Do I hear $65,000 for RIngo Starr? A member of the Beatles…talented musician…owner of a large ring collection. (Calls on the second bidder, who has raised his hand.) Yes, sir, $65,000?
Second Bidder: No, no–I was wondering about the jacket he’s wearing.
Auctioneer: Yes
Second Bidder: Was it by any chance ever worn by Paul?
Auctioneer: I’m sorry, no,sir. Do I hear $15,000 for Ringo Starr? $15,000? Good Lord, this man is a human being! Yes, madam?
Third Bidder: Hmmmmm…..well, does he do anything?
Auctioneer: Ah, Ann knows more about that than I would. Ann, what does he do?
Ann: Well, he, uh, plays the drums. And he has a very interesting ring collection.
Third Bidder: Can he talk?
Ann: Yes, I think so. (She hands him a file card.) Here, Ringo, would you read this?
Ringo: “Live, form New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
Herbie Hancock, “Rockit”