Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

…..Christopher Guest
…..Gary Kroeger
Doug Henning…..Rich Hall

[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Christopher Guest]

Christopher Guest: Thank you, Don Pardo. Our top story tonight:

In these last days before the inauguration, Washington job shuffling was in full swing. It started with the resignation of White House staffer Mike Deaver, then, this week, President Reagan announced that Treasury Secretary Donald Regan and top White House aide James Baker would switch jobs. Then the Wall Street Journal announced that Labor Secretary Ray Donovan would switch jobs with New York real estate tycoon John Zaccarro. THen, Mr. Reagan replaced Energy SEcretary Donald Hodel with personnel director john Harrington, making Hodel interior secretary replacing the departed William Clark. Meanwhile, National Endowment for the Humanities Head, William J. Bennett, will become Education Secretary, replacing the departing T.H. Bell. While all of this was going on, the President nominated singer Johnny Cash to replace Transportation Secretary Elizabeth Dole, who will be assigned to Folsom Prison. Defense Secretary Casper Winberger is out, and will be relaced with long-time presidential favorite, Bert Parks. George Schultz is out, making way for the new Secretary of State, “Dating Game” host Jim Lange. Secretary of Health and Human Services, Margaret Heckler, will be replaced by Pat Sajak, as Secretary of Health, and Bob Eubanks as Secretary of Human Services. A new rumor has it that President Regan will step down and make way for Phil Donahue, who is said to have become “tired of New York already, and needs a change of scene.” If this happens, First-Lady Nancy Regan will be replaced by “That Girl”, Marlo Thomas, who will become “That First -Lady”, Marlo Thomas. For a transcript of this report, write to Postmaster General Anson Williams, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Here now, with a consumer report, is SNL Consumer Analyst, Gary Kroeger.

Gary Kroeger: Thank you, Chris!

Christopher Guest: You’re welcome.

Gary Kroeger: It seems that every year consumers have another new commercial fad to deal with. One year, it was celebrity diet plans. Last year, all the stars came out with their own exercise video. But, year after year, calendars are the biggest thing. And the hot one in ’85 was the Beefcake calendar. Have you seen ’em? Hunk A Month? I brought a couple here. [ holds up a calendar ] Looking Goode – Men of USC. [ holds up second calendar ] My personal favorite – BUNS! As a consumer analyst, I decided to do something about this commercial opportunism. I decided to join them!

[ holds up a calendar labeled “Kroeger A Month” ]

So I’ve come out with my own 1985 Kroeger A Month calendar. Like any calendar worth its salt, mine starts with January! [ picture of a topless Gary Kroeger with skis ] Now, I’ve already crossed off the first eleven days – you can clip them, add them to ’86, if you’d like. What I’m trying to do is create the spirit of every month. [ flips to February – topless Kroeger with angel wings and a valentine covering his crotch ] February makes me think of falling in love — [ flips to March – Kroeger lying facedown in scattered leaves while wearing a speedo ] March is the windy month.

Now, as most calendars mark holidays, I’ve marked all the special events in my life, so you can observe them with me. March 15th is marked, because that’s the day when I got my first kiss, back in the First Grade. [ flips to April – a mostly nude Kroeger in rubbers and an inverted unbrella ] In april, I’ve marked April 13th, because that’s when I got my first kiss from a girl. [ flips to May – nude Kroeger sitting down with daisies and a basket covering his crotch ] Of course, April showers bring May flowers. [ flips to June – Krogers in nude version of tuxedo outfit ] June is for weddings. [ flips to July – topless Kroeger poised with golf club ] And July is terrific for outdoor sports like golf, and — [ flip to August – obviously fake bikini swimwear pose with Kroeger’s head pasted on top ] there’s swimming in August. I — [ a faint whistle from the audience ] Thank you! [ audience laughs ] I’ve circled August 28th, because that’s the day I lost my virginity. Incidentally, 1985 will mark that event’s first anniversary. [ flip to September – half-naked Kroeger sitting on floor with school books and prep school necktie ] September is back to school! [ flip to October – naked Kroeger wearing mask with black bar across his crotch ] October was a little hot for television – but, if you buy the calendar, both masks come off! [ flip to november – Kroeger posed seductively wearing an Indian corset while sitting in a pile of leaves ] November brings the harvestm and, finally, the jolliest of months — [ flip to December – Kroeger undressing himself while in Santa garb ] December.

Now, I realize that, you know, the year has already started, so, like all calendars, I’ve had to slash my prices. That’s right – I’m selling this calendar in this lobby, right after the show, for only ninety-five cents! That’s change from your dollar! And, for only ten dollars more, I’ll go directly to your house and pose each month! Supplies are limited, so.. get one while they’re hot! Chris?

Christopher Guest: [ stares at Kroeger, unblinking ] That’s very sad.

[ Chris turns his back to the Chroma-Key, where we see a photograph of an Elvis statue ]

This week, in honor of Elvis Presley’s 50th birthday, the city of Memphis dedicated a memorial statue of its idol, who died in 1977. Situated directly opposite Graceland, Presley’s Memphis mansion, the statue stands seven-feet high and weighs eight-hundred-and-fifty pounds – which is approximately what Elvis would have weighed if he were alive today.

And now with a report on the nation’s federal deficit, which is rapidly apporaching two-hundred billion dollars, here is President Reagan’s newly-appointed economic advisor, Doug Henning.

Doug Henning: Thank you! Thank you! Oh, it’s so wonderful to be here! Oh, and isn’t so amazing that there are two Doug Hennings on this show! [ chuckles ] Oh, that’s my favorite illusion! You can never have enough Doug Henning! [ audience laughs quietly ] You know — thank you! The other night, after my Broadway show, Mr. Reagan came backstage, and he said, “Doug! I reaaaaally liked the way you made that elephant disappear! And the way you made that cougar disappear!” And with wondrously, childlike desperation, he — [ Doug’s fake teeth slowly inch their way out of Rich Hall’s mouth, until they finally drop and bounce across the newsdesk and land on the studio floor; the audience cheers the on-air blooper ] Thank you! That’s another of my favorite illusions! [ Christopher Guest extends his arm into the frame to return Doug’s fallen teeth ] Thank you, Chris! [ the audience cheers ] Thank you! I’m gonna disappear now for just a second — [ ducks under the newsdesk to re-insert his fake teeth, then realigns himself and continues as though there were no gaffe ] Mr. Reagan said, “Can you make the deficit disappear?” See, Mr. Reagan believes that illusion has become reality.. and reality has become illusion! Now, let’s pretend that the deficit is a big hole. [ reaches udner the newsdesk and pulls up a little metal bucket ] Like a bucket! A bucket is a hole, isn’t it, Chris? [ Chris is silent ] It’s a hole with sides on it! Thank you! It’s a big hole.. but if we fill it up just a little at a time.. and we all, just coughed up just a little! go ahead and cough, Chris! [ holds the bucket up to Chris’ face ] Cough up, there!

[ Chris makes a coughing sound, as Doug releases a coin from his fingertips which hits the bottom of the bucket ]

Doug Henning: Oh! [ turns the bucket over and lets the coin hit the newsdesk ] A fifty-cent piece! Now, we’re gonna cough up three-hundred-and-ninety-nine billion more times — that deficit is big! [ again holds the bucket up to Chris’ face ] Cough up some Social Security! Go ahead.

[ Chris makes another coughing sound, as another coin hits the bottom of the bucket ]

Doug Henning: There you go! [ turns the bucket over and lets the coin hit the newsdesk ] Oh! There’s an AmTrak, caught in your nose! [ tweaks Chris’ nose and makes another coin drop into the bucket ] If we truly believe in magic, we might be able to barf up some military spending! [ holds the bucket back under Chris’ face ] Barf one up! Go ahead!

[ Chris makes a dry heave sound effect with his mouth, as wads of bills jump out of the bucket ]

Doug Henning: Oh! There you go! [ audience cheer ] Thank you! I’m Doug Henning! Thank you!

[ camera pulls out, as Doug smiles and Chris stares deadpan into the lens. Fade out. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Kathleen Turner’s Monologue

…..Kathleen Turner

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Kathleen Turner!

Kathleen Turner: Thank you! In my opinion, it’s about time they had a woman hosting this show! [ audience cheers ] And I’m very glad to be here doing it. I guess a lot of you saw.. “Romancing The Stone”? [ audience applauds ] And you might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. Wasn’t she, uh.. more of a brunette?” That was mud! I’ve washed my hair isnce then. Actually, a lot of movie actors are very different in person, so I’m told. And it’s true, it’s true — [ looks into the audience, with a smile ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Jack? Wait, ladies and gentlemen – sitting right here, in the audience, is my friend.. Jack Nicholson!

[ camera zooms in on a fake audience member who looks nothing like Jack Nicholson ]

Kathleen Turner: Now, you see how different he looks in person? Even in my films – in each film, I look different. One to one. I mean, look at this one.

[ still shot of “The Man With Two Brains” ]

This is “The Man With Two Brains”, with Steve Martin. Now, you notice there’s this air of innocence and naivete, and everything.. Now, look at this.

[ still shot of “Body Heat” ]

This is “Body Heat”, with Bill Hurt. Now, as you can see, I started to develop a new attitude here. Now, next..

[ still shot of “Romancing The Stone” ]

This is “Romancing The Stone”, with Michael Douglas. Now, here I’ve reached a critical point as an actress. Obviously, I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Next!

[ no still shot is shown ]

Wha..? Where’s the shot from “Crimes of Passion”?

Voice of Dave Wilson: Uh, sorry, Kathleen. The NBC censor killed it – too much breakthrough.

Kathleen Turner: Television, huh? Well.. you’ll just have to imagine. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle Wrench

Spokesman…..Harry Shearer

[ open on close-up of a model F-15 fighter bomber ]

Spokesman: The F-15 is the world’s fastest fighter bomber. But you can’t tighten its forward flap couplings with an egg.

[ pan out to MacDouglass-Drummond spokesman, who cracks an egg over the wing of the model F-15 fighter bomber ]

For that job, you need the MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle Wrench! Yes, them amazing Miracle Wrench tightens any standard U.S. Air Force 3/4″ bolt in just seconds! How much would you expect to pay for this kind of versatility? 5? $50? Sound.. incredible? Try $50,000! That’s because we’re the only wrench that’s Pentagon-approved. So why pay half as much for wrenches that can only do exactly the same thing?

With Miracle Wrench, you can tighten bolts, loosen volts, or move bolts entirely! Miracle Wrench can even withstand the heat of a Congressional investigation. Now, how much would you pay? But, wait – there’s less. Order now, and we’ll include the amazing $17,000 coffee pot! Specially-designed for the United States Army. It boils, it boils.. it even boils! And it’s all yours for an additional $24,000. Plus the price of the wrench and the coffee pot!

Right now, MacDouglass-Drummond is boosting bloating and ballooning prices beyond all conceivable limits! Suuurrre, you could buy better parts for less money, but you can’t pay more for this kind of quality. To order your own wrench and coffeepot, just send $70,000 of your hard-earned tax dollars – plus 45% for kickbacks and lobbying! – to:

MacDouglass-Drummond
Military Housewares Department
Los Bandidos, California

MacDouglass-Drummond – remember that name! Our prices are indictable!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Goodnights

…..Kathleen Turner

[ too soon for the Goodnights, yet not enough time for a sketch, Kathleen Turner’s bumper dissolves to her standing at Home Base, smiling ]

Kathleen Turner: Hey, so we’re not so good at keeping time! Stay with us, we’ll be right back.

[ dissolve to different bumper, cut to network commercials ]

[ return to bumper, dissolve back to Turner and the cast at Home Base for the Goodnights ]

Kathleen Turner: I had a great time! Good night, everybody!

[ end credits roll ]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Roy “Jaws” Scheider; and our special musical guest will be Billy “Loverboy” Ocean. This is Don “Loverjaws” Pardo saying good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

The Joe Franklin Show

Joe Franklin … Billy Crystal
Alan Arkin … Christopher Guest
Daphne Clayton … Kathleen Turner
Doug Henning … Martin Short

[Music: an uptempo piano version of “Twelfth StreetRag.” SUPER: “The Joe Franklin Show” over a successionof black and white photos of old movie stars: W. C.Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface), Eddie Cantor, MaeWest, the Marx Brothers (in “Go West”), Spencer Tracy,Buster Keaton (in “The Navigator”), Humphrey Bogart(in “The African Queen”), Laurel and Hardy (in “You’reDarn Tootin'”). Finally, we dissolve to the darkened,book-lined set of Joe Franklin’s talk show. The lightscome up and we dissolve to legendary talk show host,seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaidsuit.]

Joe Franklin: Well, a, er, good – good evening,my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin, eh, comingto you for our very good friends, our sponsors:Hoffman Beverages, Matzohs by Streit’s “For theUnleavened Experience of a Lifetime … er, MartinPaints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’t Just Paints” and,uh, joining us today, proudly, a, er, new sponsorcalled Bye Bye Hair. It is the only depilatory.Sitting with us, my friends, three, eh, super-duperpeople, uh, Mr. Doug Henning. [Henning, seated in alotus position, is a long-haired, bucktoothed,mustachioed wimp in a skintight, multicolored shirt]… He’s a magician extraordinaire. Now you see him,now you don’t, my friends. And, uh, one of our topactors, even alphabetically, Mr. Alan Arkin. [Arkinnods unenthusiastically] … And, welcoming today, adebut of sorts, if you will, a new, rising star, Ms.Daphne Clayton. [Daphne, grinning broadly, is a sexybut nervous redheaded amateur – Joe holds up a posteradvertising her show] Er, Daphne is now appearing, myfriends, in a new original revue called, er, “Wake MeWhen I’m Nude.” … Er, so I’m excited. Alan, AlanArkin, tell us how you, uh, feel about sitting on thispanel of superstars.

Alan Arkin: [arms crossed, nods, nasal voice]Uh, feels good, Joe. Huh!

Joe Franklin: Er … Doug, Doug Henning, er, inyour magic show, would you have a place for a young,sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton?

Doug Henning: [spaced out, trippy, New Agevoice] Well, there’s always room for beauty – in theworld of magic, Joe! … For magic is the spirit ofillusion. And illusion can be magical. Like this![reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out a bouquet offlowers, hands it to Daphne]

Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?

Daphne Clayton: [gasps, genuinely amazed] Ohhh,I can’t believe–! That’s terrific!

Doug Henning: Read the card!

Daphne Clayton: [looks at the bouquet] Thereisn’t one.

Doug Henning: There’s always a card – in theworld of magic! [reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls outa playing card, hands it to Daphne]

Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?

Daphne Clayton: Oh! Look! [hands card toJoe]

Joe Franklin: [also genuinely amazed] Look atthat. See that? Now, I didn’t– Did you see it come?Not from anywhere. That is something. I, er, I, er,didn’t see a thing. Alan, er, what did you think aboutthat?

Alan Arkin: That’s unbelievable. It’samazing.

Doug Henning: AND it’s magical!

Joe Franklin: [holds up poster again] Er,Daphne, er, Clayton, the, er, the show is called,uh–

Daphne Clayton: “Wake Me When I’mNude.”

Joe Franklin: Uh huh. And it is being done atthe American Legion Post 118, er, which is locatedat–

Daphne Clayton: That’s at Exit 6 — it’s rightacross from Mr. Donut.

Joe Franklin: Ah! The, er, “Wake Me When I’mNude” — this sounds like a family show.

Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes! It’s a show that thewhole family could enjoy, Joe.

Joe Franklin: Oh, good. Alan Arkin, er, haveyou ever seen, er, this show?

Alan Arkin: No. No.

Daphne Clayton: [to Alan Arkin] Oh, pleasecome. It’s free. And – and they have apple juice anddoughnuts during intermission.

Alan Arkin: [mildly amused] Huh!

Doug Henning: Oh, that sounds wonderful! Butwhen you speak of refreshments, do you have anassortment – [holds up an empty metal bowl, covers it,then uncovers it, revealing a bowl full of cheese] -of cheeses?! [hands cheese bowl to Daphne]

Daphne Clayton: Oh! Now, that’s what I callmagic! [hands cheese bowl to Joe]

Joe Franklin: Isn’t that magic? And what wouldbe truly magical is if this cheese was served on theMatzohs by Streit’s, my friends. Wash it down with theHoffman Beverages. On a hairless body by Bye Bye Hairin a room by Martin Paints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’tJust Paints,” my friends. Alan, er, this is exciting.Any advice to this up and coming super-duperstar?

Alan Arkin: Uh, no, not really, Joe,no.

Joe Franklin: But, uh, we do, uh, have a treat,my friends, Ms. Daphne Clayton is going to, uh, singone of the tunes from the show. Daphne, er, do youwant to explain, er, this song before we hearit?

Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes, yeah. It’s a scenewhere I’m mad at my husband Larry.

Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.

Daphne Clayton: And his best friend Barrythinks that I’m mad at him, too, and so he leaves. Andthat is the first time I’m left alone thatday.

Joe Franklin: [after an awkward pause] So,let’s sit back, my friends, and, er, listen to thismusical treat, from Daphne Clayton, from “Wake – Me -When – I’m – Nude” – coming – up – right -now.

[Excited, Daphne rises to sing her song. A pianoplays. After an extremely long vamp, Daphne finallybegins – but the voice we hear is prerecorded andDaphne emphatically and ineptly lip syncs the entirething. Joe, reading some papers at his desk, payslittle attention. Arkin, arms folded, can’t believehow bad she is — or how interested Doug Henning seemsto be in her awful performance.]

Daphne Clayton: [spoken melodramatically]Larry, take this ring and get out! And stay out!
[sings]
Eight a.m., fix his breakfast
Toast, juice, eggs, scrambled well
Pick up his socks, drop off the kids,
Shampoo the rug and the dog!
Hey!
What about myself?
What about my life?
Don’t I get a break?
Larry! Wake up!
It’s nineteen eighty-threeeeeeeeeeee!

[Daphne finishes big, no one applauds, deafeningsilence. She sits back down.]

Joe Franklin: That, uh, is exciting. That’svery exciting, Daphne. I tell you, my friends, I lovenew talent, we discover new talent here. Daphne, youare a future-duper star. Let me ask you this. What doyou think about Ben Turpin? [holds up photo of thecross-eyed silent movie comedian] Do you, uh, have anystories? Are there any anecdotes?

Daphne Clayton: Uh, I don’t know who thatis.

Joe Franklin: But Alan Arkin, my friends–Alan, you are the actor’s actor. He writes, hedirects, he does stage, he does films. Alan, the SuperBowl game — any predictions?

Alan Arkin: What are you talking about?

Joe Franklin: The, eh, game, eh, Miami, SanFrancisco, who’s gonna win?

Alan Arkin: [shrugs, shakes his head] Uh, Idon’t know.

Joe Franklin: Er, Doug – Henning, as we wrap upthis gold medal-winning show, my friends, and itis — you feel it, I feel it, we all feel it –Doug, any New Year’s resolutions for 1985?

Doug Henning: I resolve – that each day will befilled with magical possibilities. And thesepossibilities, because they are magic, will be onlyillusions!

Alan Arkin: [after a beat, annoyed, to DougHenning] What are you talking about?

Joe Franklin: I’m putting this show in my timecapsule, my friends. One of the all-time favoriteshows. [“Twelfth Street Rag” pots up, signaling theend of the program, Joe holds up the poster one lasttime] Daphne Clayton, darling, please come back. Theshow, “Wake Me When I’m Nude.”

Daphne Clayton: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Joe.And – and, please come, it’s free!

Joe Franklin: Well, we’ll drive down, I hope.Doug, a great star. More car commercials, uh, Broadwayshow, and then you are going to–?

Doug Henning: Off to Toronto, to try my hand ina little dramatic fare, in a play entitled “MassAppeal” with the wondrously talented JimBackus.

Joe Franklin: And, of course, er, AlanArkin.

Alan Arkin: No.

Joe Franklin: Well, er, that is it for today,my friends, we will see you soon. And, er, for now,Joe Franklin simply saying, “Let’s all wave goodbye.”Bye-bye.

[Applause as Joe and Daphne wave goodbye. Alan Arkinsits lifelessly with his hands in his lap. DougHenning magically produces a cane with a scarf at theend of it as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Donahue Green Room

Fernando…..Billy Crystal
Nazi…..Gary Kroeger
Bernard Goetz…..Rich Hall

[ open on Fernando standing outside the Donahue Green Room ]

Fernando: Saludos, my friends! Hello, it is I, Fernando. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you, darlings, thank you. We have got a special treat for some of you, and you know who you are. As you know, my friends, Phil Donahue – you know who Phil Donahue is, another talk show host with the grey hair, but he does not look as mahvelous,/i> as me. Mr. Donahue began broadcasting his television show from New York this week. So, you know what I thought, since I love you all very much, and you know who you are. I thought we’d go into Phil’s Green Room, look around, maybe catch a peek of ol’ Snowy Top himself. Okay? So, let’s go – let’s mingle!

[ Fernando enters the Green Room, where he immediately spots two midget transvestites and a Nazi ]

Fernando: I tell you, my friends, this is exciting – two midget transvestites and a Nazi! I tell you, this is going to be some Phil Donahue show, I’ll tell you that right now! [ He sits next to the two midget transvestites ] May I? [ chuckles ] Hello, my little darlings.

Midget Transvestite #1: Hi.

Fernando: Let me get something.. straight. Okay? You are.. two midget men.. who dress like two midget women?

Midget Transvestites: Ye-es.

Fernamdo: Well, you’d never know it. I’ll tell you that. Because, you look mahvelous! You — this is fabulous – you look like an Ann Miller doll. May I say that to you? And you, you sort of look like a Charo, you know what I’m saying? Charo, but not really. You are Joan Blondell, up close – who used to park next to me at RKO, gave me a ding every time she parked her car. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! No, you do, darling. Keep them together, you know what I’m saying? There’s people here. Alright.

[ Fernando moves over to sit next to the Nazi ]

Fernando: Hello.

Nazi: Hi.

Fernando: How do you do? Are you on the show, too?

Nazi: Yes!

Fernando: Hmm. And, uh.. who’s that? [ points to Bernard Goetz ] Who’s that?

Nazi: [ in a whisper ] That’s Bernard Goetz.

Fernando: [ doesn’t recognize him ] Bernard Goetz? The jazz musician?

Nazi: No, that’s Stan Getz.

Fernando: Oh.

Nazi: He’s the Subway Vigilante.

Fernando: [ eyes widen, excited ] He looks mahvelous! I gotta talk to him, and try to get him on my show, you know what I mean?

Nazi: That’s a good idea.

Fernando: Thank you, Nazi! This is a very good color for you.

[ Fernando moves over to meet Bernard Goetz ]

Fernando: Excuse me, Mr. Goetz? How do you do? My name is Fernando, and I have a little talk show called “The Hideaway”, and.. I would go crazy if you would consider being on my show. All the celebrities in town come to do it, and it would be fantastic if you would just say.. yes.

Bernard Goetz: Sure.

Fernando: You will?

Bernard Goetz: Sure.

Fernando: [ excited ] Ohhh, this is unbelievable! This is.. this is amazing! I’ve got to call my producer and tell him that I’ve got Bernard Goetz on my show! This is unbelievable, this is fantastic! [ rushes across the room to the payphone, passing the midget transvestites along the way ] You two still look mahvelous! [ picks up payphone to dial, fishing in his pocket for a quarter ] This is great, because I have had a lot of trouble with guests – Barry Manilow cancelled, and it’s really hard to get people in town, you know, I — [ Fernando can’t find a quarter in his pockets ] Uh.. Bernard..? Do you have a quarter?

Bernard Goetz: [ raises his head slowly with vengeance in his dark eyes ] Yeah, I’ve got a quarter! You want a quarter? [ He walks slowly towards Fernando, his hand reaching into his jacket pocket ] I’ve got a quarter for you right here, pal.. I’ve got a nice quarter for ya’!

Fernando: Oh no! No, Bernie, no, please! Don’t do it! Oh no, what did I do?! I’m so stupid! Please, don’t do it! But, if you must – shoot me from here down, because, even if I’m wounded, I’ll still look mahvelous!

[ Bernard pulls out a quarter, surprising Fernando with his act ]

Bernard Goetz: Oh boy, did you fall for that one!

Fernando: [ relieved ] Oh boy, that is a quarter! Oh, you got me good there, Bernie Goetz!

Bernard Goetz: [ laughing ] Oh, were you shining!

Fernando: I’m shining?

Bernard Goetz: You should have seen yourself flinch! [ throws his arm in front of the midget transvestites and Nazi ] Did you guys see him! [ midget transvestites and the Nazi throw themselves to the floor in fear ] Everybody’s so jumpy around here! It’s unbelievable.

Fernando: This is amazing, Bernard Goetz, I’ll tell you that right now. You are something else. I am.. I’m really glad to meet you. And after meeting you, I’ve got to tell you one thing. I am glad to be.. alive from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Strictly From Blackwell

Mr. Blackwell … Harry Shearer
Bobby Bouchet … Martin Short

[Card reads: STRICTLY FROM BLACKWELL. We hear thehushed, mellow, oddly cadenced voice of fashion expertMr. Blackwell before we dissolve to him. He is awrinkled, gray-haired, purple plaid-jacketed,microphone-wielding talk show host who addresses thecamera.]

Mr. Blackwell: From the newest of the newaddresses on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, a selectionof four designer boutiques inside one fabulousstorefront, Le Boutiqueteria, direct from the secondfloor, this is Strictly From Blackwell. I amBlackwell.

[Pull wide to reveal Blackwell’s guest seated next tohim — a jittery, nervous, mustachioed, blow-dried,turtleneck-wearing theatrical type guy named BobbyBouchet. The two men sit beneath a sign reading “LeBoutiqueteria” on a stylish talk show set.]

Mr. Blackwell: And joining us today is a youngman involved in the musical theater — we will talk,we will have good conversation — currently in “IrmaLa Douce.” What a delight that this show has beenbrought back at the James Franciscus Dinner Theater… in nearby La Mirada, California. Mr. BobbyBouchet. Bobby, welcome.

Bobby Bouchet: [equally hushed mellow voice]Thank you.

Mr. Blackwell: You know … you’re doing dinnertheater in La Mirada which I feel– I would not dodinner theater in a Hollywood, in a Beverly Hills, ina Sherman Oaks, in a Studio City. In a Westwood -[chortles] – no way – would I do dinnertheater in a Westwood. I would in a La Mirada.Interesting.

Bobby Bouchet: Well, La Mirada … has a lot ofolder folks and they are really wanting to see a showbut they also want to eat.

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: And, uh, so, there’s aninteresting package. They get the show –

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: – and they get the – the – thefood.

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: And they get, uh, uh, allgratuities. And they get four different kinds of saladdressings.

Mr. Blackwell: There is a choice ofdressings? …

Bobby Bouchet: There is four dressings. With -with one salad included, of course.

Mr. Blackwell: Yes.

Bobby Bouchet: And it’s all for twenty-sevenninety-nine.

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: Plus — they don’t have to seethe whole show.

Mr. Blackwell: They do not have to seethe whole show?

Bobby Bouchet: No. Because it’s not the wholeshow. It’s – it’s an abridged version. It’s like thatdinner theater type of – of theater.

Mr. Blackwell: You could not see the whole showif you wanted?

Bobby Bouchet: No.

Mr. Blackwell: This is like what they do in LasVegas where they – they give you just the crême de lacream of the show … And you’re – you’reseeing the best numbers and the bestmoments and the best songs and the bestcostumes and the best sets — and still you’reout in an hour.

Bobby Bouchet: [proudly] And … Robert Claryof “Hogan’s Heroes” staged it for us.

Mr. Blackwell: [genuinely delighted] Did he?… Did he?

Bobby Bouchet: That’s not too bad.

Mr. Blackwell: He does wonderful work.How many … How many in the company?

Bobby Bouchet: Well, uh, the original Broadwayproduction, which I stayed clear of, because I – Ididn’t really want to be affected by it– You want tobring your own th – thing to it–

Mr. Blackwell: This is good. This isgood.

Bobby Bouchet: But – but – but – the originalBroadway production has, uh, had forty, fifty peoplein it. Ours is more scaled down.

Mr. Blackwell: Sure.

Bobby Bouchet: We have – we have seven peoplein it. …

Mr. Blackwell: This is interesting, I think, tothe audience on the cable. What is – a “douce”?I have heard that it is French slang for atart, for a prostitute. Is this true? Isthis what the show is about, Bobby?

Bobby Bouchet: Exactly. But, you see, peopleare eating, so we – we kind of stay clear of that and- and we have more fun with her being aprostitute.

Mr. Blackwell: [laughs lustily] I love that!”Fun with her being a prostitute”! [laughs, suddenlymellow again] That is good fun. Okay, when … Whenyou say they’re eating — and now–?

Bobby Bouchet: I brought you a menu, to explainbetter. [excitedly pulls out a huge menu labeled “BILLOF FARE” and hands it to Blackwell]

Mr. Blackwell: Fabulous. This is wonderful – toshare with our viewers. Okay, look, let – let usmaybe– Can we get a – a close-up on the other camera- [holds menu up to wrong camera] – and just show whatwe are doing here? Does this work? Okay, now … Allright, this way? Okay. [angle changes – turns menu towrong camera again, reads from menu] This is the …the, uh, Backstage Cut, which is the regular roastbeef, which is thirteen ninety-five. I must tell you.I defy anyone — [drops menu, Bobby retrieves it forhim and puts it in his lap] oh, to find a regularprime rib of this quality – and I’ve nothad the meat there – but, er, just looking at themenu, you can see the quality of the food in thepresentation of the show. … which I do want to see.But I don’t think anywhere in a La Mirada you can geta prime rib for that. I don’t know.

Bobby Bouchet: Oh, no, no, no. You’re not -You’re not gonna get a better prime rib than thatanywhere. In fact – fact, people who’ve seen the showhave just come back to eat.

Mr. Blackwell: That is wonderful. … There isa Twin Bill, which is the double lamb chops, which Ilove. There is the, uh, Leading Man/LeadingLady, which is the steak and lobster. [sets the largemenu down] I love the size of the menus, like the bigbulky sweaters. Okay, your big songs, Bobby, arewhat?

Bobby Bouchet: “From a Prison Cell.”

Mr. Blackwell: That’s the name of thesong?

Bobby Bouchet: That’s the name of thesong.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, and you do thatwhere?

Bobby Bouchet: In a prison cell. By the saladbar.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, good. Now … I wasreading a little bit about your background. You haveinteresting parents. Should we say “interestingparents”? Is this fair to say?

Bobby Bouchet: [nods, grins] Oh, you mean mybiological parents? You’re talking about my biologicalparents now? Yes, well, this is something I like totalk about but, a lot of times, I get a lot of flakfor it but, uh, anyway, uh – uh – uh – My biologicalparents were – John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe….

Mr. Blackwell: Interesting. The ones we’veheard of?

Bobby Bouchet: The president and the moviestar, yes.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, but w-w-w-when you saythey were your parents — did you knowthem?

Bobby Bouchet: Well, I mean, youcouldn’t know them — they were so much in thepublic eye.

Mr. Blackwell: Isn’t that sad?

Bobby Bouchet: Yeah.

Mr. Blackwell: Isn’t that true? Uh, so who didyou grow up knowing as the “Mom,” as the”Dad”?

Bobby Bouchet: My legal parents. And I lovethem and – and everything but – but they – they didnot know that I was related to John F. Kennedy andMarilyn Monroe.

Mr. Blackwell: They adopted you?

Bobby Bouchet: Well, they won’t admit it. Theywon’t claim it. So, uh, I – They– According to them,I am their biological son and – and – and I love them,as I said, and respect them, and because I resideunder their roof–

Mr. Blackwell: Well, you – you pay them therespect that they deserve.

Bobby Bouchet: And pretend to be biologicallyrelated to them. …

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, you know, I’ve known youfor a very short period of time, Bobby, but there isan integrity to you and an authority anda belief in yourself which I say more peoplethese days should have. What I hear is a simplywonderful production of “Irma La Douce”– The threepiece ensemble provides music. That is what? Piano?

Bobby Bouchet: Organ and harp.

Mr. Blackwell: Piano, organ and harp. … Toget a very full feeling to the show. Bobby Bouchet. Itwas a pleasure to meet you. It really was.

Bobby Bouchet: This wasn’t so bad.

Mr. Blackwell: No, this wasn’t at all. BobbyBouchet – on stage – in front of – the food – … in”Irma La Douce” down in La Mirada. I wanted to ask himif he ever ad libs in a musical. I’ve always wanted toask an actor this –

Bobby Bouchet: [shakes his head, amused]No.

Mr. Blackwell: – but we don’t have time, wemust vanish. Next — for the first time, theWorst-Dressed Men List. This should be fun! Till then,strictly from Blackwell. Bye-bye.

[Blackwell converses with his guest as we pull backand a kind of “Holiday for Strings”-type theme musicplays. Applause. Dissolve back to opening title card.Fade.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 12th, 1985

Kathleen Turner

John Waite

None

None
Donahue Green RoomSummary: While scouting Donahue’s Green Room for guests he can put on his own show, Fernando (Billy Crystal) meets a pair of midget transvestites, a Nazi (Gary Kroeger), and Bernard Goetz (Rich Hall).

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

Transcript

Montage

Kathleen Turner’s MonologueSummary: Kathleen Turner points out a fake Jack Nicholson in the audience, then displays images depicting her increased level of cinematic sexiness.

Also Hosted: 89c.

Transcript

MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle WrenchSummary: MacDouglass-Drummond spokesman (Harry Shearer) touts high prices for normal quality items.

Transcript

You Know What I Hate?Summary: Willie (Christopher Guest) and Frankie (Billy Crystal) discuss means of self-torture while participating in a waterskiing pyramid.

Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

Nose Hair TrimmerSummary: Walter (Gary Kroeger) trims nose hairs on a professional basis.

Recurring Characters: Walter.

SafeCoSummary: Dura Guard II Plate Glass is strong enough to withstand impact of Joan Collins’ (Pamela Stephenson) head.

Recurring Characters: Joan Collins.

Hypnotism by FireSummary: Before Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) can take Sharon (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on a date, her father, Brad (Martin Short), seats him before the fireplace and hypnotizes him to unleash his true intentions for the evening.

Note: Because he was appearing as a wide variety of characters in multiple back-to-back sketches, Billy Crystal wore a bald cap throughout the show; in this sketch, he wears a wig similar to his own hair. When Martin Short’s characters slaps Crystal in the back of the head, his wig becomes askew, causing the audience, and even Julia Louis-Dreyfus, upon re-entering the scene, to laugh. Crystal appears dumbfounded at the consistent laughter, until Short reaches over to re-adjust the wig, which causes Crystal to laugh as well.

PredictionsRecurring Characters: Jeane Dixon.

The Joe Franklin ShowSummary: Joe Franklin’s (Billy Crystal) panel is encompassed by local actress Daphney Clayton (Kathleen Turner), currently starring in “Wake Me When I’m Nude”, a befuddled Alan Arkin (Christopher Guest), and magician Doug Henning (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Doug Henning.

Transcript

Boxing StoriesRecurring Characters: Tony Minetti.

Transcript

The PickupSummary: Man-hungry Victoria Kingsley (Kathleen Turner) picks up meekish Adam Sherman (Martin Short) at a loft party.

Note: Writers Andy Breckman and Larry David can spotted walking around as party guests in the background.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Christopher GuestSummary: Gary Kroeger displays his not-so-sexy Kroeger-A-Month calendar for 1985. Doug Henning (Rich Hall) demonstrates a budget-based magic trick.

Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

Note: Not only is Doug Henning impersonated by two cast members in one evening, but Rich Hall also loses his fake teeth while performing the impression.

Transcript

John Waite performs “Saturday Night”

Strictly From BlackwellSummary: Mr. Blackwell (Harry Shearer) interviews dinner theater performer Bobby Bouchet (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

White Like Eddie

…..Eddie Murphy
Clerk…..Jim Downey

Eddie Murphy: You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice. And some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas: one black and one white. But talk is cheap. So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand. To go underground and actually experience America.. as a white man.

[ enters Make Up Room ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: I hired the best make-up people in the business. If I was gonna pass as a white man, everything had to be perfect.

[ make-up is placed on Eddie’s face ]

Eddie Murphy: Hmm, I think that’s a little light.

Make-up Artist: Okay, let’s try this. [ applies fake white moustache on Eddie’s lips ]

Eddie Murphy: That’s, uh.. I look kind of Harry Reemsish.

Make-up Artist: Mmm, I like it.

Eddie Murphy: I studied for my role very carefully. I watched lots of “Dynasty”.

[ show Eddie watching TV ]

Eddie Murphy: See? See how they walk? Their butts are real tight when they walk. They keep their butts tight. I’ve gotta remember to keep my butt real tight when I walk.

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: And, I read a whole bunch of Hallmark Cards.

[ show Eddie reading greeting cards ]

Eddie Murphy: “For my lovely wife.” That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Go ahead. “You always mean lots more to me than you could ever guess. For you have done so much to fill my life with happiness.”

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Finally, I was ready.

[ Eddie walks onto the street, the perfect portrait of a white man. He enters a convenience store, grabs a newspaper and drops it on the counter. ]

Clerk: What are you doing?

Eddie Murphy: I’m buying this newspaper.

Clerk: That’s all right. There’s nobody around. Go ahead, take it. Take it. [ Eddie gives him a quizzical look ] Go ahead, take it. Yeah. Take it. Take it.

[ Eddie takes the newspaper, and cautiously exits ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Slowly, I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free.
[ cut to Eddie catching a bus. He sits down between two white women. ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: There was only one other black man on the bus. He got off on 45th Street. [ the busdriver looks around the bus carefully, then sets a party in motion, complete with music and cigarette girls ] The problem was much more serious than I’d ever imagined.

[ cut to Eddie at a bank, talking to a black Loan Officer, discussing budgeting and other money matters ]

Loan Officer: Now, let me get this straight, Mr., ..uh.. Mr. White. You’d like to borrow $50,000 from our bank, but you have no collateral, you have no credit. You don’t even have any I.D. Is that correct?

Eddie Murphy: That’s right.

Loan Officer: Mr. White, I’m sorry. This is not a charity. This is a business…

White Loan Officer: Uh, Harry, why don’t you, uh, take your break now? I’ll take care of.. uh.. Mr. White.

Loan Officer: Well.. okay. Thanks, Bob. [ exits ]

White Loan Officer: [ laughs, then sits ] That was a close one, wasn’t it?

Eddie Murphy: It certainly was.

White Loan Officer: We don’t have to bother with these formalities, do we, Mr. White? Huh?

Eddie Murphy: What a silly Negro!

White Loan Officer: Just take what you want, Mr. White. Pay us back anytime. Or don’t. We don’t care.

Eddie Murphy: Tell me, do you know of any other banks like this in this area?

[ cut to Eddie back at the Make-up Room ]

Eddie Murphy: So, what did I learn from all of this? Well, I learned that we still have a very long way to go in this country before all men are truly equal. But I’ll tell you something. [ pan to reveal Eddie’s black buddies applying white make-up to their faces ] I’ve got a lot of friends, and we’ve got a lot of makeup. So, the next time you’re huggin’ up with some really super, groovy white guy, or you met a really great, super keen white chick, don’t be too sure. They might be black.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 9

84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Killing Time

…..Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? You people out there just missed a dirty joke I told!

[ Audience laughs and cheers. Eddie belts out his trademark laugh. ]

Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? They timed the show wrong, right? And they thought the show was going to be 30 seconds longer — and like now -– they don’t have no sketch or NOTHING!

[ Audience laughs hard. Eddie points to the OFF-SCREEN crew]

Eddie Murphy: How much time do I have? Eight seconds? Seven… six? Here, quick — I’m gonna play the piano!

[ Eddie sits down at The Honeydrippers’ piano and starts playing different notes. The audience cheers wildly. ]

[ DISSOLVE to bumper photo ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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