Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 19th, 2000 Ben Affleck Fiona Apple None Gwyneth Paltrow G.E. Smith NightlineSummary: Peanuts characters appear on “Nightline” to mourn the passing of Charles Schultz. Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Franklin. Transcript
Montage
Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Despite the need to do so, Gwyneth Paltrow joins Ben Affleck onstage to share his limelight. Transcript
Victoria’s SecretSummary: A pair of talking breasts promote the lingerie company. Transcript
Ben Loves MangoSummary: Ben Affleck finds himself enchanted by Mango (Chris Kattan) at a celebritiy event, but the male dancer is only interested in meeting Matt Damon. Taking a cue from Damon’s movie, “The Talented Mr. Ripley”, Ben disguises himself as his buddy and woos Mango into his apartment. Recurring Characters: Mango. Transcript
Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) sees Denise (Rachel Dratch) flirting with Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck) at a party. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “The All New Adventures of Mr. T” (Tracy Morgan), who’s back and ready to work! Transcript
Fretts Film Forum
FanaticSummary: Crazed fan (Ben Affleck) gets to spend the day with Anna Nicole Smith (Molly Shannon). Recurring Characters: Anna Nicole Smith.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Colin Quinn examines live press conferences held by Republican presidential contenders George W. Bush (Will Ferrell), John McCain (Chris Parnell), and Alan Keyes (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, John McCain, Alan Keyes. Transcript
Fiona Apple performs “Limp”
The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmerman (Cheri Oteri) flirt with a sleazy salesman (Ben Affleck) while shopping for a new car. Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman. Transcript
Police Recruit Fitness TestingSummary: At 50 years of age, Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) wants to join the police academy. Recurring Characters: Salley O’Malley. Transcript
Who Wants To Be Groped By An Eleven-Thousandaire?Summary: A semi-rich redneck (Ben Affleck) favors confused guy (Chris Kattan) over a pair of desperate brides.
[FADE IN on the New York skyline with smokestacks steaming in the foreground.]
Announcer: Now, from the news capital of the world: its Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[FADE to studio and ZOOM in on Colin at the anchor desk.]
Colin: Thank you, folks!
[cheers and applause]
Colin: Simmer down now! Hi, Im Colin Quinn, and here are tonights top stories:
[Monitor shows Hillary Clintons head superimposed next to the White House.]
Colin: Hillary Clinton finally announced her candidacy for the U.S. Senate this week, raising doubts as to whether shell be able to fulfill her White House duties while campaigning. Aides, however, assure voters that the campaign will in no way affect Hillarys performance of the First Ladys chief responsibility: looking the other way. [soft laughter] Its a warm-up, cmon.
[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton pointing at something and talking into his daughter Chelseas ear.]
Colin: While waiting for his wifes announcement rally in upstate New York to begin, President Clinton took his daughter Chelsea to a local Starbucks, where 29-year-old Jennifer Cook offered the President a massage. Clinton responded to the offer by turning to his daughter and asking, Shouldnt you be helping your mom? [dry laughter and groaning]
[Monitor fades to a grinning Hillary Clinton.]
Colin: The centerpiece of Hillarys announcement was a biographical videotape in which the First Lady looks into the camera and brags, I make a mean tossed salad. You know, shes definitely not… [stumbles] …new-new-new to New York if she doesnt know what tossed salad means. [laughter] How about THAT one….
[Monitor fades to a split image of a distracted George W. Bush and an angry John McCain.]
Colin: The Republican presidential race got personal this week, as George W. Bush, in an effort to portray John McCain as a Washington insider, began referring to his opponent as Chairman McCain. In response, McCain, now trying to paint Bush as a simpleton who owes all his success to his father, has started calling the Texas governor Tori Spelling. [cheers and applause] What, is she gonna hum it? Yeah, lets kill her!
[Monitor fades to another split image, this time of Bush and Steve Forbes gritting his teeth.]
Colin: And publisher Steve Forbes dropped out of the Republican race Thursday after a poor showing in the Delaware primary. Political observers speculate that Forbess exit will boost George W. Bushs campaign, since Forbes was splitting the important spoiled rich kid vote. [laughter]
[Monitor fades to a graphic of a stock ticker reading EXPLOSION above a WALL ST street sign.]
Colin: A small bomb exploded in the heart of Wall Street before daybreak Friday. A small bomb, or as the IRA calls it, an initial public offering. [laughter and applause]
[Monitor fades to a graphic of a computer with the words CYBER TERRORISM superimposed on the monitor.]
Colin: Online hackers last week waged a series of crippling assaults that shut down popular websites including e-trade and amazon.com, and created a state of near-emergency, in which people had to interact with other human beings. [laughter and applause]
Authorities… Yeah, man, thats what its come to, man.
[Monitor fades to the seal of the FBI.]
Colin: Authorities, meanwhile, fear that internet crime is getting so bad, its not even safe to not leave your house anymore. [laughter]
[Monitor fades to the ebay logo.]
Colin: Among those hit by the internet terrorists this week was the auction site ebay, which shut down for six hours on Tuesday, resulting in a sales loss of an estimated six million dollars worth of useless crap. [laughter and applause]
[Monitor fades to a Barbie doll head and the Mattel logo.]
Colin: Toymaker Mattel announced this week that it will launch a new design for the Barbie doll that will permit her to twist and bend at the waist without joints showing, allowing her outfits to show her midriff. The doll even comes with a new boyfriend: [monitor fades to a photo of a balding middle-aged man] Tommy Mentoa. [laughter and applause] Ohhh-hhh. You work for Sony? What do you care?
[Monitor fades to the cover of Gear magazine, which shows a nude Jessica Biel with her breasts blacked out, along with the headline, FALLEN ANGEL.]
Colin: In hopes of being fired from her show, 7th Heaven, 18-year-old Jessica Biel has deviated from her wholesome image and posed nude in the mens magazine Gear. Yeah, thatll get her fired. Has a job ever existed where someone said, That hot 18-year-old who keeps taking off her clothes, get rid of her. [laughter] Certainly not.
[Monitor fades to a frame of Charlie Brown being carried off the ballfield by the Peanuts gang.]
Colin: In tomorrows newspapers… [laughter] In tomorrows newspapers, Charles Schulzs beloved Peanuts will end its 50-year run with the publication of its last original comic strip. In the final installment, Lucy and Charlie Brown are once again playing football, but this time, after she pulls the ball away so he cant kick it, Charlie Brown goes to a nightclub and stabs two people. [laughter mingled with a few boos]
[Monitor fades to a photo of a galaxy with the caption, BIG BANG THEORY.]
Colin: Using complex atom-smashing experiments, scientists in Geneva this week found new evidence to support the Big Bang Theory, which holds that the universe was created after a huge explosion. Scientists now believe that the explosion occurred when a giant star, known as a nova, crashed into the back of another star, known as a Pinto. [laughter and applause]
[Monitor fades to logos of the Pfizer and Warner Lambert companies.]
Colin: Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, announced this week that it will acquire Warner Lambert, the maker of the cholesterol-fighting drug Lipitor, in a deal that will create the worlds second-largest drug company. The worlds largest drug comp–drug company, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment.
[Monitor fades to a photo of Nick Nolte with sunglasses and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. After a long moment of laughter, the monitor switches to the caption, THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, EVE ENSLER.]
Colin: A conservative New York taxpaying group says that the critically acclaimed off-Broadway play, The Vagina Monologues, currently being performed at New Yorks public colleges, is too sexual and, quote: should be kicked off the campuses. Sounds to me like its their time of the month. [nervous laughter] Heyyyy, heyyyy, I try…
[Monitor fades to a clean-cut man in a suit standing at a microphone and superimposed in front of the Austrian flag.]
Colin: Jorg Haider, the controversial leader of Austrias anti-immigration Freedom Party, denied Wednesday that he is a Nazi sympathizer, as his critics charge, and inisisted that he is, quote: a pure Democrat. And by pure he means, Aryan. [laughter]
[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton giving a speech and raising his left fist.]
Colin: And President Clinton this week upset Irish advocates by urging the participants in the stalled Northern Ireland peace process to, quote: belly up to the bar. Clinton then insulted Israelis while trying to explain his Middle East peace plan when he offered: Have I got a deal for you. [mild laughter] Small.
[CUT to a frontal shot of Colin at the desk.]
Colin: With Valentines Day quickly approaching, love may or may not be in the air unless you try and find the perfect gift. Here with some shopping hints from the boutique, The Erotic Attic, on 112th and Lexington, is Joy Lipton, everybody.
[PAN over to Joy, who sits with touseled hair, dark-rimmed glasses, and a dark orange shirt, as the audience cheers and applauds.]
Joy: [in a high, quavering voice] Thank you, Co–thank you, Colin. Colin, Ive lassoed up just a few of the Valentines Day gifts that are sure to make you O.K. in HER corral. [laughter] Colin, Im sure youve heard of edible panties, edible bras. [in an off-key singsong voice] I know. Been there. Done that. But… but heres a gift that will surely put you back in HER flavor. Did I say flavor? I sure did. [laughter] When theyre fruit roll-up condoms…
[She holds up two sealed condoms in her hands.]
Joy: They come in two bold and sexy flavors. [opens up condom] Strawberry White and Divine Brownie.
[She takes a bite out of the Strawberry White and chews stiffly.]
Joy: Just had sex, Colin? We can tell, cause your Little Richardll be singin, Tutti frutti… oh, Rudy!
[She stiffly waves her arm as the audience cackles.]
Colin: [dryly] It doesnt sing.
Joy: Thats what SHE said. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Has making love become ho-hum in the… Casa de Quinn?
Colin: [gestures toward camera] Feel free to focus on the audience.
Joy: Is she just a damsel in distress when you ride in on your horse, Colin?
Colin: Once again, the audience is out THERE. [points toward camera]
Joy: Well, if she is, maybe shes just looking for a hero. [spreads out hands] Introducing my vibrating hero.
[She pulls out a plastic replica of a hero sandwich with a dial at one end.]
Joy: Or as some call it, The Love Sub. Cause a submarine will go deep… [stammers] …can go deep, giving her hours of erotic enjoyment. [hands hero to Colin] Just flick the switch and watch her go.
[Colin takes the hero with a look of disgust and attempts halfheartedly to turn it on. Joy switches the dial, and it makes a sound like a small chain saw.]
Colin: Good God.
[Joy snatches it away from him and turns it off.]
Joy: So, rub it, smack it, let her attack it. [haltingly] Its… its okay, cause its my hero. [holds it next to her face] My hero…
[Laughter and applause as she sets it aside.]
Joy: I know what youre thinking, Colin.
Colin: You couldnt possibly.
Joy: You are thinking, Hey, Joy. What about him? Well, start practicing your catcalls, Colin, cause everyone will be wearing a hardhat when she walks on the construction site in this number…
[She climbs up onto the desk and pulls off her sweater to reveal a multicolored, flowered slip.]
Joy: Here you go. Its called Stairway to Heaven.
Colin: Whoa!
[She shyly tugs at the bottom of the slip as the audience gives laughs, cheers, and wolf whistles.]
Joy: Made of a comfortable polyester blend. Turn your night of passion…
[She slowly lowers herself onto the desk in a suggestive pose, aiming her rear end squarely at Colin Quinn.]
Joy: Into a… into a dangerous safari as he hunts down this–wildcat. Hey, hey, Colin? Got milk? Purr…
[riotous squeals of laughter]
Colin: Excuse me, Joy, maybe you should get down before you get hurt.
Joy: [easing off desk] Im all right, Ive done this before…
[She suddenly slips onto the floor behind the desk. Colin reaches over to help, but she springs back to her feet.]
Joy: Its okay. Uh-oh, I think its getting hot in here. [sits down unsteadily] So, Colin, on Valentines Day… [turns to him]
Colin: [points] Out, out there.
Joy: On Valentines Day, youve got it goin on down at The Erotic Attic. Tell em Joy sent you.
[She fiddles with her right hand for a second, makes a brief OK sign to herself, then abruptly licks her finger and presses her bare left arm.]
Joy: Sssst.
Colin: Joy Lipton, everybody! Joy Lipton!
[wild cheers and applause]
Colin: Im Colin Quinn. Thats my story, and Im stickin to it!
[He giggles and cringes as Joy tickles him under the chin with the vibrating hero. She tickles his body with it for a second, then FADE to black.]
Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri Fall Victim…..Chris Parnell Orderly…..Jimmy Fallon Motorcyclist…..Tim Meadows Motorcyclists Wife…..Ana Gasteyer Man with Severed Hand…..Tracy Morgan Man with Headache…..Darrell Hammond Dr. Montgomery…..Julianna Margulies
[FADE IN on an ambulance pulling up to a hospital, and then FADE to the e/r. A patient is gingerly being pushed in a wheelchair toward a hallway, and suddenly a man walks briskly up to the desk. He has a deep gash above his left eye, and blood trickles down his cheek.]
Fall Victim: Excuse me? Excuse me. Uh, hi, hi, I need some help here? Hi? Can you help me? Please?
[The receptionist turns around and notices him. With her hair stacked up and a large mole near the corner of her mouth, she sets down a clipboard and walks toward him.]
Nadeen: Simma down na.
Fall Victim: I, I need to see a doctor right away.
Nadeen: I just said to simma DOWN na!
Fall Victim: What?
Nadeen: [shouting] SIMMA DOWN NA! Cant ya HEAH? I wantya ta simma down na, and tell me just what OCCUHED.
Fall Victim: What occuhed is, I fell from my apartment balcony and gashed my head on a sprinkler.
Nadeen: Looks like ya cracked ya noggin, there! [reaches up and knuckles his forehead]
Fall Victim: OW! God!
Nadeen: How many stories?
Fall Victim: How–what? How many–
Nadeen: How many stories ya DROP, na?
Fall Victim: One. One, one floor.
Nadeen: Just one? Have a seat. [points to chairs]
Fall Victim: [frantic] What? Not enough floors to get my head stitched up?!
Nadeen: Sir, on behalf of Augustus General, Id like to invite you to SIMMA DOWN NA! [thrusts a clipboard at him] Now, kindly fill out these forms and have a seat over HEAH! [points to chairs] No blood on da clipboard, na!
[He walks slowly away, and then an orderly comes in from the hallway and pushes a patient in a wheelchair slowly near the desk.]
Nadeen: [rushing around desk] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow it DOWN na! Slow it DOWN na!
Orderly: [puzzled] I wasnt going that fast.
Nadeen: What you think, this is a Doc Daytona Five Hundra? Huh?
Orderly: What?
Nadeen: Where da brake?
Orderly: What?
Nadeen: Where da BRAKE?
Orderly: [points down to wheels] There.
Nadeen: USE it, na! Now get! GET!!
[After she shoos them away, a man and a woman rush into the room.]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Excuse me, excuse me, my husbands been in a motorcycle accident, I think hes broke his wrist!
Motorcyclist: [painfully] Yeah, I, I cant move it!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Its swelling up really badly.
Nadeen: [shouting] All right, everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!
Motorcyclist: Listen, I would love to simmer down now, but you see, my wrist is shattered, so I would encourage you to ADMIT me now.
Nadeen: Sir, your sass is unappreciated heah. So before your other wrist becomes shattahed, I suggest you fill out these forms, and have a seat, and then simma down…
Motorcyclist: And simmer down now, right?
Nadeen: Thats cor-rect!
[The couple starts walking toward the hallway.]
Nadeen: Not over there! Over HEAH! [points to seats]
Motorcyclist: Where?
Nadeen: Over HEAH! What, did ya shattah ya hearing drum in addition?!
Motorcyclist: [outraged] Who the HELL do–
Nadeen: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! [imitates shifting gears] Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii–mmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa–doooooooooooooooooooooooooowwn–na! [pretends to lock gearshift] Simma down na!
[cheers and applause]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: [evenly] Youre a freak!
Nadeen: Simma.
[As the two walk away, a man walks up in a mechanics jacket. His right arm is a bandaged stump at the end, and he carries a bag in his left.]
Man With Severed Hand: Excuse me, excuse me, Ive been simmering for about three hours. I think Im gonna pass out. I dont know how much longer my hand can last.
[He raises a plastic bag which holds a severed hand on ice.]
Nadeen: Sir, sir, may I ask you to help yourself to this magazine… [hands it to him] …while I contact ya proper insurance carriah. Now tell me, who has your association been with? Blue Cross? Blue Shield?
Man With Severed Hand: No, Im with an HMO.
Nadeen: Well, in that case, I want you ta take this War and Peace… [hands him thick copy of War and Peace] …sit yaself down on a low heat, and continya to simma.
[He walks morosely away.]
Nadeen: [lifts bag] Take ya hand na!! Take ya hand na!!
[He fetches his hand and scurries back. A moment later, a man in a leather jacket walks up with a cigarette in his hand.]
Man With Headache: [calmly] Hi. I think I got a headache.
Nadeen: [points toward hallway] Sir, go right inside those doors, right there, suh!
[He walks nonchalantly toward the hallway. The motorcyclist, his wife, and the fall victim all storm up to the desk.]
Fall Victim: Wait a minute!
Motorcyclist: What the HELL?!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Thats not fair!!
Nadeen: [holds up hands] SIMMA! SIMMA! SIMMA! Everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!! All right. Now you have made a valid obsahvation. And since the squeaky wheel get the grease, I will provide medical assistance TA ya! [into microphone] Pagin Doctah Montgomra. Doctor Montgomra. Please! We need ya help up in heah! Doctor Mont-Montgomra.
[Dr. Montgomery walks in with a white smock and a wavy bouffant.]
Nadeen: Here she come.
Fall Victim: Finally!
Dr. Montgomery: [in professional voice] Nadeen, Im sorry for the delay. [to patients] What seems to be the problem?
[All the patients talk at once.]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: My husband had a motorcycle accident!
Motorcyclist: My wrist is shattered, maam!
Fall Victim: My head is bleeding profusely!
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up hands] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! EVERYBODY SIMMA DOWN NA!!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: WHAT?!
Motorcyclist and Fall Victim: WHAT?!
Dr. Montgomery: What part of simma down da ya na understan?! The simma, the down, or the na?!
Motorcyclist: But we just want some… some…
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up an 8×10 of David Schwimmer] WHO DIS?!
Motorcyclist: [confounded] Schwimmer?
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up a copy of The Wall Street Journal] Whats da average listed heah?
Fall Victim: The Dow?
Dr. Montgomery: What a beava do to a log?
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh, it, it gnaws on a log?
Dr. Montgomery: Put it all together na!
Motorcyclist: Schwimmer Dow gnaw?
Dr. Montgomery: Try it again! [to Chris] You!
Fall Victim: Uh, Schimmer Dow now?
Nadeen: Close but no cigah.
Dr. Montgomery: Last chance, FOR da MONEY!!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh… simmer down now?
Nadeen: WHOA! Winner!
Dr. Montgomery: [loudly] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we have a winna! You can go ahead in, maam!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: [squealing like a game show contestant] I WON, I WON, I WON!!
[She races through the doors into the hallway. Her husband and the fall victim look after her.]
Motorcyclist: [points to broken wrist] Wait a minute! No!! No!
Dr. Montgomery: You best simma!
Nadeen: Na, na!
Dr. Montgomery: Na!
Nadeen: Na, na!
Dr. Montgomery: Na!
Nadeen: Simma na!
Dr. Montgomery: Simma na!
Nadeen: [points to chairs] Sit down there and simma na!
[FADE IN on a band playing in a nightclub. William Shatner, wearing a black leather jacket over a brown shirt and blue jeans, stands onstage.]
Announcer: And now, William Shatner for priceline!
[Shatner picks up the microphone as the band plays the chorus to We Gotta Get out of This Place by the Animals. Shatner starts vaguely singing along, but soon makes no attempt whatsoever to follow the band as it keeps playing.]
William Shatner: We gotta get outta this place! [pause] Now you can, too, with priceline.com! YOU… can order groceries online, yeah! YOU: order fish, ham, cider, raisins, shrimp, jelly, YOU spend an hour, just one hour online! You can save… 12 or 13 CENTS, baby! I used to spend hours haggling with the grocery clerk over the price of a can of corn, but he wouldnt budge! Id be there for, I dunno, HOURS, you know, saying, Id say, Look: a dollar twenty-nine is kinda steep for a can of corn, dont you think? Hed say, I… dont make the rules! I just work here, then I would say, How… about a buck? Again he would claim to just… WORK here, and Id say, Look? Dont you know me? Im Bill Shatner, Captain Kirk from Star Trek, can you cut me some slack on this can ocorn? He said hed never heard of the show, so I ran out of the store… with the can o corn. The kid chased me down, he tackled me in the parking lot and beat me pretty savagely with the can of corn. None of this woulda happened if they had priceline.com! Save money with priceline! We gotta get OUTTA this PLACE! Yeah.
[SUPERIMPOSE priceline.com, name your own price, airline tickets, hotel rooms, new cars, mortgages, groceries. FADE to black as the crowds in the film and in the studio all applaud.]
Dr. Mathaway…..Julianna Margulies Nurse…..Cheri Oteri Pet Owner…..Chris Parnell Manuel…..Noah Wylie
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Julianna Margulies!
[PAN down from the blinking ON AIR light to center stage, where Julianna walks out and acknowledges applause. She wears a red-orange turtleneck sweater and brown leather pants.]
Julianna Margulies: Thank you very much, thank you! Ohhh! I cant tell you how happy I am to be hosting Saturday Night Live!! [cheers and applause] As most of you know, this is my last season on ER.
[The audience goes awwww in disappointment, and she smiles, flattered.]
Julianna Margulies: Thanks! Thats nice. Dont get me wrong, I really do love doing the show, but you know… [sounding stressed] After six years, I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be not to have to say: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V.!
[She spins her finger and rolls her eyes as audience applauds.]
Julianna Margulies: They did, um, they did offer me quite a lot of money to stay on the show, and I turned them down, and many of you may think that Im crazy, you know, but for me, life is all about taking risks and challenging yourself. [grins] So Im doing a brand-new series on NBC. I hope you love it as much as I do. Okay? [pauses in anticipation] Heres a new clip of my show!
[FADE to the opening sequence of ER, then SUPERIMPOSE caption, er: special veterinary unit. CUT to a full-sized gurney being wheeled into a frantic emergency room. A small guinea pig lies motionless on the gurney with corn chips sprinkled around him an I.V. inserted in its body.]
Dr. Mathaway: All right, here we are. Nice and easy, nice and easy. On my count: One… two… three.
[They gingerly lift the stretcher onto the bed.]
Dr. Mathaway: [putting on stethoscope] All right. Prep him. Give me his vitals.
Owner: [fearfully] His name is Peanuts!
Nurse: He went from a Grade-A pulse to a flat line. Lets get these chips off him!
Owner: He looked hungry, so I fed him some of my cajun pizza!
Nurse: [points to pet owner] All right, get him out of here!! Somebody get him out!!
[Two orderlies hustle the owner out.]
Dr. Mathaway: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, prep for parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V. Give me the paddles!
[An orderly hands her two black plastic paddles.]
Dr. Mathaway: 60 volts! [places paddles on guinea pig] And clear!
[When they turn on the juice, Peanuts jumps about two feet off the gurney and flops back down.]
Nurse: All right, stand by the paddles, were going again.
Dr. Mathaway: No, no. Just wait… [intensely] I got a pulse.
[Peanuts gasps for breath.]
Nurse: Shes got a pulse!
[FADE abruptly back to the studio, where Julianna acknowledges riotous applause.]
Julianna Margulies: Its a good show! Thank you, thank you! Thanks so much! You know, this new project means so much to me.
[CUT to a thirty-ish woman standing up in the audience.]
Woman: Excuse me, uh, I have a question.
Julianna Margulies: [looking askance at her] Um, I didnt realize an audience member was gonna ask me a question in the middle of my monologue.
Audience member: Well, Im not an audience member, Im a writer on the show. I wrote what Im saying right now.
Julianna Margulies: Okay. Uh, whats your question?
Audience member: [in a seasoned reporters voice] From the clip, it looks like youre playing exactly the same character that you did on ER. I mean, wheres the risk, the challenge?
Julianna Margulies: [annoyed] Um, okay. A: shes wearing a WHITE doctor coat, not a pink one. Moron. And hello-oo, shes a vet! I mean, its a completely different show. God! Take a look at another clip. [muttering] Jackass…
[FADE to Dr. Mathaway as she finishes examining a boa constrictor. An owl looks down from a perch above her, and a huge dog watches from a bed.]
Dr. Mathaway: Manuel? You are a great vet, but youre not God. You cant make these life-and-death decisions on your own. Do you understand?
[CUT to Manuel wearing a doctors coat and a very cheesy fake Mexican mustache which curls up on the ends.]
Manuel: Sì. Yo comprendo, doctora Mathaway. [sidles up to her] Yo quienso que quizas te amo.
[They embrace and lean in to kiss.]
Voice: Code blue. Trauma three. Code blue.
[They break their embrace and rush away as a horse whinnies off camera. FADE quickly back to studio and cheers.]
Julianna Margulie: You see, lady? We have such a great show for you tonight! DMX is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, well be right back!
[ZOOM out on Julianna clapping along with audience, then FADE to black.]
[FADE IN on a closeup of Dougs face looking down at the floor in despair as a few melodramatic piano notes are heard in the background. ZOOM OUT very slowly to show him wearing a yellow sweater and reading a copy of Forbes magazine.]
Announcer: This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Its a personal and embarrassing problem. You walk around feeling like a loser. Maybe youre gay. Maybe youre a eunuch. Or a wuss. Maybe youre just a goon with a limp noodle hanging between your legs.
Doug: [in disgust] All right, all right, thats enough!
Director: Cut!
[CUT to a wider shot as the director walks up to Doug.]
Director: Um, whats the problem, Doug?
Doug: [anxiously] Is that what the commercials gonna say?
Director: Well, um, were still trying some different, you know, versions, but I wanted you to hear it so you can play off of it.
Doug: It seems pretty harsh.
Director: Well, its not about you, no. Its about the disorder and how to treat it.
Doug: All right.
Director: Okay?
Doug: Im sorry. I overreacted.
Director: [pats his shoulder] Thats okay, its okay. [turns back and claps hands] All right, come on, lets go back to one, people! Roll playback!
[CUT to closeup of an electronic slate.]
Director: All right, people! And… action!
[The slate is pulled away to reveal Dougs pensive face again.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Look at it. Its not pretty. All hang-dog and sad. Goofy-ass ears. Who does he think hes kidding? He might as well tuck that sad weiner of his between his thighs and start wearing a dress. You know, hes in bars, talking all big, like, Hey, Im a commercial actor. My names Doug, and–
Doug: Okay, come on!
Director: Cut! [walks up to him] Doug, whats the problem? That was a great take!
Doug: The voiceover guy used my real name!
Director: What? Like Robert DeNiro never plays a character named Rob?
Director: [consults a clock hanging around his neck] Yeah, right, okay, ready, people! And, action!
[CUT back to Dougs closeup.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Doug. Dougs got a droopy old ding-dong. Im talking, bl-o-o-oo. This guy couldnt even satisfy Mrs. Roper. You dont believe me? Ask his girlfriend Hannah.
[ENTER Hannah from the left. She stands behind Doug and addresses the camera self-concsciously.]
Hannah: Doug cant satisfy me. Hes very delicate and frightened in bed.
Doug: Hannah, what the hell are you doing here?
Hannah: The director said you wanted me here.
Doug: [throws down magazine] Son of a BITCH!
Director: CUT!
[Losing his patience, the director stalks up to him.]
Director: Listen, Doug! Maybe I am a son of a bitch, but I heard that you were a real ACTOR. I wanted to, you know, to challenge you with reality.
Doug: [calmly] I, I AM a real actor.
Director: What?
Doug: [agitated] I AM a real actor!!
Director: [pumped] All RIGHT, then, lets DO this, people!! [reaches out to rub Hannahs arm] And Hannah. You look great.
Hannah: [giggles in delight] Thank you.
Director: Yeah, good job. [claps hands] Lets get playback ready, people! [sits back down in chair]
Microphone Man: The whole crew asked me to ask you if you could please, uh, stop calling us people.
Director: [stares at him] Sorry. Its my signature. And action, PEOPLE!!
[CUT back to Dougs closeup.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. His name is Doug Kimbles. Hes got big-time Nerf in his shorts. And he cant even blame it on booze. Hes a commercial actor here in L.A., and his home phone is 1-310-555-0187.
Doug: [furious] HEY!!!
Director: [off camera] BE AN ACTOR!!!
[ENTER Hannah.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] Thats his girfriend Hannah. Shes a hot little number who likes jogging in those tight bicycle pants. Hey, Hannah, whats the worst part about being with half a man?
Hannah: I guess its when… I dont know how to say this, um… when his Jimmy-stick gets all limp like a turkey neck, and then he cries, and its so high-pitched, and unnatural.
Announcer: Doug? What was the most embarrassing time you ever had with a woman? And would you please state your full name and look directly into camera?
Doug: [slowly] My name is Doug Anthony Kimbles. One time… I was with Hannah at the beach–
Hannah: [in horror] Oh, no, dont, please dont tell this one.
Announcer: TELL IT!
[The microphone screeches and rings.]
Doug: It was the afternoon, and we snuck off behind a lifeguard tower, and…
[Doug gasps once and starts crying in a high-pitched, unnatural voice. Hannah sobs in agony over his shoulder.]
Doug: [sobbing] I couldnt do it! And when I pulled away, there were about thirty people watching!
Hannah: [clasps his shoulder] Oh, no-oo-ooo!
Doug: They all started laughing, and then I just ran down the beach with my pants around my ankles, it was awful!
Announcer: [over piano notes] This must be really hard for YOU, Hannah.
Hannah: It is!
Announcer: Im guessing youre a Scorpio. Am I right?
Hannah: [crying] Im a Taurus, but that was close!
Announcer: Hey: what say we hit a potato bar and then go for a drive up the coast?
Hannah: [suddenly calm] Yeah, okay. [walks off]
Doug: [shrilly] BABY!
Director: [off camera] Very good, Doug, I know that was hard. Now, roll the product ID!
Announcer: [in a huskier voice] When lifes screwed up like this, reach for a Tootsie Roll!
[SUPERIMPOSE the caption Tootsie Roll underneath a dancing Tootsie Roll man and play happy electronic music.]
Announcer: Tootsie Roll! It can always get you roarin!
[HOLD on Doug looking around in consternation, then FADE to black.]
Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell Jules Asner…..Cheri Oteri Donatella Versace…..Molly Shannon Luca…..Noah Wylie Elton John…..Horatio Sanz Elizabeth Hurley…..Julianna Margulies
[FADE IN on the spinning E! logo, then FADE to a stark, white studio with two commentators sitting on stools.]
Steve Kmetko: Welcome to E! News Daily. Im Steve Kmetko.
Jules Asner: And Im Jules Asner. Coming up today on E! News Daily, find out what Anna Nicole Smith is planning to do next. Heres a hint: you can smell it. But first… [laughter] ..but first, more of our exclusive coverage of Fashion Week.
Steve Kmetko: [in a clipped, fey voice] Its Fashion Week again. The week when the worlds top fashion designers decide what seven rich people will wear this season. To get an insiders preview of the Versace 2000 collection, I spent the week with Donatella Versace at her headquarters in Milan.
Jules Asner: [pretending to banter] Rough assignment.
Steve Kmetko: Mm, TELL me about it.
Jules Asner: [snickers] You poor thing.
Steve Kmetko: I barely survived.
Jules Asner: Oh, I feel real sorry for you.
Steve Kmetko: [snaps] Are you screwing with me? Cause I will have you fired so frickin fast!
Jules Asner: [shocked] I, I thought we were bantering… back and forth… fun bantering.
[CUT to Kate Moss and several other models parading down the runway of a fashion show.]
Steve Kmetko: [off camera] Versace. The name means sex, skin, and rock n roll glamour. And no one epitomizes that spirit more than Donatella Versace herself.
[FADE to Donatella in her studio. In a skimpy green dress, she stands and sensuously rubs Luca, a shirtless male model in black leather pants who stretches out on her desk.]
Donatella Versace: [in pronounced Italian accent] My philosophy is that the fashion should be SEXY, you know? Like, I feel inspired by everything which I see, you know. [slaps his stomach] Hop up. More champagne, more champagne, please, very good, come on.
[Luca stands up and walks dutifully away, and Donatella spanks him as he leaves.]
Donatella Versace: I see, like, for example, my, my dog. She get a little ear infection, so she wear the big cone collar. And I look at this collar and I think, So SEXY, so what do I do? I make one for Courtney Love!
[FADE to a still photo of Courtney Love at an awards ceremony with a dog collar pictured around her neck. FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella briefly picks up her cigarette but sets it down without smoking it.]
Donatella Versace: You know, eh, basically, everywhere I look, I see a type of design, you know? Like, ahhhh… [picks up a yellow trimline phone] …like this phone, for example. You see, so smooth, so sexy, you know, you make a little suit. [shouts to side] You know what? Make this phone into a dress! Make this! Make this!
[She yanks the phone cord out and throws it off toward the side, and then CUT to still shots of Naomi Campbell, Madonna, and Tina Turner.]
Steve Kmetko: When celebrities want to make a memorable entrance, they go straight to the House of Versace. Donatellas clients include actors, rock superstars, AND Elton John.
[FADE to Elton behind the piano. He wears spectacles and a tux and shirt without a tie.]
Elton John: Donatella designs everything I own. She does all my suits. She designed a leather tuxedo for my Yorkie. She did a beautiful line of zebra-print after-sex towels for me cause Im sloppy. I wrote this song for her.
[A piano melody starts up which sounds vaguely like Candle in the Wind.]
Elton John: [singing] Donatella, Miss Versace, Promise me youll always stay Italian. Youre a golden lady, With hair like spaghetti, Youre a candle in the wind, Wait, Ive used that already.
[speaking] Damn, Ive gotta get back together with Bernie Taupin.
[CUT to footage of models getting their hair sprayed and their fingernails painted.]
Steve Kmetko: The day before her new collection debuts, Donatellas office is all abuzz with last-minute fittings AND nervous energy.
[FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella stands next to Elizabeth Hurley, who is holding a flute of champagne, smoking a cigarette and wearing a long purple dress with the receiver of the yellow telephone attached right above her breasts.]
Donatella Versace: Miss Hurley is the perfect model for my dresses.
Elizabeth Hurley: [in a flawless English accent] I love these clothes. Because theyre so naughty. Its like wearing a spanking. [sips champagne]
Donatella Versace: The dresses fit her perfectly because of these beautiful teh-tahs. [cups Elizabeths breasts] Oh, I love them! Theyre gorgeous! I LOVE them, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Hurley: Ive got nice teh-tahs.
[A phone suddenly beeps.]
Elizabeth Hurley: Oh! Is that my rack ringing?
[Luca walks up with a tiny cell phone and hands it to Donatella.]
Donatella Versace: Alo? Ah, Madonna! Ciao! Que va? [grabs Lucas butt and holds onto it] Ja. Oh, ja. No.
Elizabeth Hurley: I find her clothes quite witty. For example, this phone frock is combination. You see, my teh-tahs are talking to each other on the telephone! [smiles deliciously]
Donatella Versace: [into phone] Eh, Madonna. No, dont take sperm from him. No, I get you good sperm, okay? [puts down phone] Ah, good. Ja. Luca? Ah.
[Luca walks obediently in, and Donatella hands him a champagne glass.]
Donatella Versace: Go make a nice sperm. Put it. Go make a nice one. [She spanks him again on his way out.]
Elizabeth Hurley: God, Im starving. Is there any more champagne?
[CUT to Kate Moss and others walking down the runway.]
Steve Kmetko: [off camera] When all was said and done, the Versace Collection was a smash, and Donatella was very pleased.
Donatella Versace: [off camera] Come on, walk like the sexy hookers.
[FADE back to Steve and Jules in the studio.]
Jules Asner: Wow, Ill bet Italy was great.
Steve Kmetko: Oh, that is it. Dont you EVER talk to me like that again!
Jules Asner: [shocked] Steve, I was just trying to–
Steve Kmetko: WHAT?
Jules Asner: Wha–
Steve Kmetko: You WHAT?!
Jules Asner: Nothing.
Steve Kmetko: [belligerently] Go ahead, Jules Asner! Its your line! Intro your segment! INTRO it! [pushes her in the face with two fingers]
Jules Asner: [fighting tears] Steve, why are… why are… [quavering] How does Sarah Michelle Gellar make spinach dip? Well find out, after this break.
Steve Kmetko: [appalled] Oh, my God!
[He pushes the side of Juless head, and she tips off her stool. FADE quickly to the E! logo, then FADE to black over applause.]
Steve Irwin…..Chris Kattan Terri Irwin…..Julianna Margulies
[FADE IN on a globe which spins wildly and then pops apart to reveal the Animal Planet logo as an elephant is heard trumpeting in the background. FADE to various shots of wilderness scenery and wildlife.]
Terri: [narrating in a hushed voice] At almost 2000 feet, Oregons Crater Lake is not only the nations deepest lake, but one of the most beautiful. Today, on Crocodile Hunter, my husband Steve and I will experience the wondrous animals of Oregon.
[SUPERIMPOSE The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Taylor over a bear fishing in a river. FADE to Steve and Terri standing on a forest set and wearing identical khaki outfits.]
Steve: [in a wildly exaggerated Australian accent] GOODAY!!! Welcome to Crocodile Hunter, where we explore the wonders of WILLOIFE! Im here with m wife Terri!
Terri: [grinning broadly and waving] Hi! Steve, what are you gonna surprise us with today?
[Steve picks up a long snake as a rattle effect is heard.]
Steve: Ohhhhhhhhhh, looka this beauty here, Terri, huh?
Terri: [grinning] Oh, thats a timber rattlesnake!
Steve: It sure is! Now, a rattlesnakes VEEEEEEEEENOMOUS.
[Audience laughs as Steve holds the snake out at arms length.]
Steve: So it commands respect. Yeah, but looka his nice BODY structure, WOW. Nice, solid…
[The snake turns and bites him on the right wrist. Blood and venom go splattering into the air.]
[Terri continues grinning as Steve writhes in pain and finally pulls the snake off his wrist, which splatters blood all over both their khaki suits.]
Steve: [smiling] THE BLOKE BIT ME!! [cackles]
Terri: Whoa, Steve, looks like that rattler gotcha pretty good!
Steve: [glances at his spurting wound] Yeah, he sure did, didnt he?!
Terri: Natures strong.
Steve: Yeahhhhh!
[FADE to the opening footage of rugged mountains.]
Terri: [narrating] Steve lost an awful lot of blood, but after I sucked the venom out of his hand, we settled down to a nice picnic lunch of Oregon berries and fresh farm milk, which Steve had a little trouble keeping down. [snickers] I guess there was still some poison in his system. But then we were off and ready to continue searching for more wildlife.
[Mountain lions are seen prancing across a meadow, and then CUT to Steve holding a hawk in his left hand. Blood spots can still be seen on his shirt.]
Steve: Now, this Coopers Hawk is one of th reasons Ive traveled so far to come to th United STETES!!! [laughter] Im FASCINTD b BERDS!!! Specially Hawks! Go ahead, feed em, Terri!
[PAN over to Terri dangling a chunk of raw meat in her left hand.]
Terri: Oh, hes beauuuutifuuuul!
[PAN back to Steve.]
Steve: Yeah, he sure is, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA! Looka those WINGS!! Now, ever days a good day when youre a HAWK!
[PAN back to Terri dangling the chunk of meat.]
Terri: Come on, hawk! Come on!
Steve: Cmon, baby. Cmon.
[PAN back to Steve.]
Steve: Fly over there! Thats it! Go on! Go on!
[The hawk leans forward and bites Steve on his left ear.]
[PAN back to Terri as she calmly puts down the meat and looks over to her husband.]
Steve: [off camera] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[She waves the chunk of meat in the air for another brief moment.]
Steve: AAAAAAAAA!!!
Terri: Bye, hawk!
[PAN back to Steve as Terri walks over and examines him. Bright blood has cascaded over his left shoulder, but he grins crazily at the camera.]
Steve: Good Lordy, that hurt, Terri!!
Terri: Wow! Steve, youre bleeding again.
Steve: [cackling] AM I? I SURE AM! Looka that! [bends down] Check this out! [holds up a dark red slice] He tooka m left ear completely off m FACE!!
[laughter]
Steve: This thing aint comin back on, huh, Terri?
[Steve raises the ear and tosses it up into the air.]
Steve: Here you go, little fella!
[sound effect of a loud squawk]
Steve: Whaaaaaw! [looks down to side] Whatcha got there, Terri? Whoooooooooa.
[Terri is seen holding up a frog in the palm of her hand. They both grin over it.]
Terri: Ohhhh, look! Its a beautiful American bullfrog!
Steve: Look at the way his beauty is…
[The frog suddenly squirts clear fluid directly into his left eye.]
Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! He just sprayed poisonous venom in m EYYYYYE! He didnt give me a chance to TALK about im, Terri! Feels like someone just pissed hot lava in my eye!
Terri: [gleeful] Oh, this is great stuff, Steve! Im having such a fun time! [jumps up and down]
Steve: Ah, yeah! Me too! It sure is! I tell ya, this venom is really doin a number on m BODY. In fact, my internal organs are liquifying AS we speak. This is gonna go down as th HOIGHLOIGHT of m LOIFE!!!
[The frog squirts more venom into his face.]
Steve: AAAAAAAAAAA!! Whered that come from?! This IS spontaneous!
Terri: [laughing] Oh, Steve, Im so happy for you!
Steve: Yeah, Im on cloud nine right now! [to camera] Well, thats all the time we got on Crackadile Huner!
Terri: [laughing] Goodbye!
Steve: Buh-BYE!
[SUPERIMPOSE The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Irvin over the two of them talking animatedly as the audience applauds. FADE to black.]
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[FADE IN on a slide with red, white, and blue stripes and SUPERIMPOSE caption, A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton.]
Announcer: A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton!
[FADE to Hillary standing in a modest kitchen; a bottle of Mountain Dew stands on the counter next to the sink in the background. Billy Joels song Captain Jack plays briefly in the background and then dies away.]
Hillary Clinton: [in a nasal monotone] Hello, New York!
[After a blank pause, the audience cheers wildly for several seconds.]
Hillary Clinton: This week, I officially announced my candidacy to represent your state in the U.S. Senate. And I know, if I make it here, Ill make it anywhere!
[The audience cheers loudly as Bill Clinton walks into the room behind her. When Hillary resumes, he pretends to notice the camera innocently.]
Hillary Clinton: Now, some critics called my speech wooden, and studied…
[Audience continues laughing at the President standing behind her right shoulder. He picks up a slice of pizza and starts chomping down on it.]
Hillary Clinton: …so I wanted to take this time to show you the new Hillary! The real Hillary! Up close and personal, here in my Chappaqua home, where I live with my husband of 24 years.
Bill Clinton: Dont mind me, Im just gettin a snack!
Hillary Clinton: Bill and I are here in my favorite room of the new house, the kitchen. I cant wait to prepare some food dishes in this kitchen. Such as salads and toast. Because I LOVE cooking for my family.
Bill Clinton: [leans in past her] She is ONE HELL of a cook–I swear to God.
Hillary Clinton: Bill, do you mind? Im talking to my fellow New Yorkers.
Bill Clinton: Sorry, honey. [walks off camera]
Hillary Clinton: You see? That was the NEW Hillary. The OLD Hillary would have yelled, Get out of here, you camera hog. She would have said, This is MY campaign, for once! [raises voice] I kept my mouth shut a long time for you!!
[Bill starts to re-enter the shot, but backs away in a flash at Hillarys furious tone.]
Hillary Clinton: But this is about ME!! ME!! You GOT me, Bill?!
[cheers and applause]
Hillary Clinton: But that was the OLD Hillary. Now let me point out to you some more differences between the old Hillary and the new Hillary. The OLD Hillary was rigid, and awkward.
[SUPERIMPOSE caption at bottom reading, OLD HILLARY: rigid, awkward.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is loose, and easy.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: loose, easy going.]
Hillary Clinton: Going.
[As the audience howls with laughter, Bill pours himself a glass of Mountain Dew in the background. He drinks it while she keeps talking.]
Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was a strident womens libber.
[SUPERIMPOSE, OLD HILLARY: womens libber.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillarys had her eyes done.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: eye job.]
Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was dykey, and threatening.
[SUPERIMPOSE, OLD HILLARY: dykey, threatening.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is motherly, and warm.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: motherly, warm? Over her shoulder, Bill looks at the camera in disbelief and slinks away.]
Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was driven by blind ambition and fueled by rage over her wasted potential and her husbands chronic skank-pronging!
[SUPERIMPOSE, OLD HILLARY: driven by ambition, fueled by rage, married to skank-pronger. Bill pops back in, gives a thumbs-up, and silently mouths, Thank you, thank you, thank you. He steps out again.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary has shorter hair.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: new hairdo!!!]
Hillary Clinton: People of New York, I WANT to be your senator. Now, Rudy Giuliani says Im not a real New Yorker.
[Bill steps back in wearing a Yankees cap.]
Hillary Clinton: To which I say: [in Brooklyn accent] Ey: fuhgedaboudit! I LOVE New York!!
[Bill bursts out laughing hysterically and puts a hand on her shoulder.]
Bill Clinton: [gives thumbs-up] She is SO good, AND charming… [steps back]
Hillary Clinton: I WANT to be your senator!
[Bill starts beckoning the camera toward him. While Hillary continues droning, the camera zooms slowly in on him and crowds her out completely.]
Hillary Clinton: Im a new woman, and a new Democrat, and I want to BE your senator. For the first time in my life, I am gonna step out of my husbands shadow, and finally say…
Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, its Saturday Night!!!
Clair…..Ana Gasteyer Cindy…..Julianna Margulies Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell
[FADE IN on carports with MARRIOTT MARQUIS HOTEL printed on the side of each awning. FADE to the empty bar. Clair, the bartender is wiping down the bar when Cindy walks in smoking a cigarette.]
Clair: Hi. What can I get you?
Cindy: [quickly] Mandarin Cosmopolitan–you know what, make it two of em.
Clair: Long day?
Cindy: [sounding stressed out] I just spent eight hours sitting through a realty workshop.
Clair: Ughhh. Sounds rough. I tell you what, Ill give you two, all right? Theyre both on me. My names Clair, if you need anything.
Cindy: [smiles] Oh, thanks, Im Cindy.
Clair: Nice to meet you.
[CUT back to a wider shot of the bar. Two dorky-looking young men have suddenly appeared sitting very low at the bar to Cindys right. Both have very curly hair; one wears a suit, and the other a dark orange sweater.]
Wayne: Uh, we couldnt help overhearing you order a Mandarin Cosmopolitan?
Kip: Uh, we were thinking about ordering one, too–uh, hope its a drink!
[Both men laugh stupidly for a long moment.]
Wayne: I hope its not a new car. [both laugh] Im already driving a piña colada.
[They keep laughing as Cindy smokes her cigarette and stares at them in disbelief.]
Kip: My names Kip Bloder, this is my brother Wayne.
Cindy: [dryly] That would make you the Bloder brothers.
[Both of them again laugh stupidly.]
Wayne: We got a live one here–not like the ones in our basement.
[forced laughter]
Kip: Dont be afraid. [laughs]
Wayne: Be VERY afraid. [laughs]
Kip: No, really, dont be afraid, uh, were only kidding.
Wayne: Or ARE we?
[forced laughter]
Clair: Wayne, Kip, why dont you leave the lady alone?
Cindy: Oh, dont worry, Clair. I dont think these Muppets here could hurt me.
[The brothers laugh as if shocked by her words.]
Kip: Well, I, for one, just changed my name to Elmo. Tickle me… [laughs]
Wayne: Uh, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Kip: No, but I can tell you how to get to Insult Boulevard. [points in Cindys direction] Its right over there. [both laugh]
Wayne: Good one.
[The brothers continue to laugh annoyingly.]
Wayne: Uh, I think overheard you tell the bartender your name is Cindy?
Cindy: [snuffs out cigarette] Uh, yeah, thats right, but why dont you just refer to me as not in a million years?
[Brothers laugh loudly]
Kip: Ouch!
Wayne: I felt that one. Put your gloves down, Cassius Clay!
Cindy: [grinning] Im going for the knockout!
Kip: You are already a knockout!
[Amazingly, Cindy joins in and laughs as hard the the brothers.]
Cindy: Oh, God. I didnt think I was gonna laugh tonight!
Kip: Want another laugh? Guess what we do for a living.
Cindy: Well, it cant be as boring as real estate. Go ahead.
Wayne: Uh, buckle up, here it comes. [laughs]
Kip: We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.
Cindy: [raises finger in air] Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner!
[All laugh heartily]
Cindy: Or, should I say, losah!
Brothers: [in unison] HI-HO!!
[Cindy reaches over and digs in her box of cigarettes, but it is empty.]
Cindy: Oh, hey, I gotta go get more cigarettes, Ill be right back. [walks off behind brothers] Why dont you watch my seat?
[Now genuinely surprised, the brothers laugh and look at each other in disbelief.]
Clair: Boy, you guys, this is the longest time a woman has ever talked to you!
Wayne: Hey, I dont care whose dream it is, dont wake me!
Kip: [points to himself] More sleeping pills, please! [laughs]
Wayne: Hey, if I do wake up, please hit me with a mallet! [laughs]
[Cindy walks back in with a fresh pack of cigarettes.]
Cindy: Ohhh, Im back. I hope you dont mind if I smoke. [lights a cigarette]
Wayne: Um, youre ALREADY smokin.
[Both brothers snicker for a long moment.]
Kip: [pointing toward his throat] Im suffering from smoke INHALATION.
Cindy: [flirtatiously] Want me to give you some mouth-to-mouth?
[All laugh]
Kip: Yikes.
Wayne: [momentarily nonchalant] Uh, you are, youre one hot realtor, Cindy.
Cindy: [suggestively] Hey… what do you say we check out my room upstairs, huh?
[The brothers are stunned to silence.]
Wayne: Uh, Ill, Ill show you my piece of land if you show me yours.
Cindy: Lets go!
[The brothers laugh nervously.]
Cindy: Lets go up to my room. Come on, Ive got a minibar… [in a husky, sexy voice] Well smoke some pot…
[The brothers appear mortified.]
Wayne: Uh, uh, uh, unfortunately, uh, we left all our pots in the kitchen.
Cindy: Come on, lets take the party upstairs. I mean, isnt that where all this is heading anyway?
[The brothers fidget silently.]
Cindy: [a bit pleadingly] Lets go!
Kip: Go, go, Gadget.
Cindy: [losing patience] Thats so lame, you two are shaking like a leaf! I mean, come on, are we going or not?
Wayne: Uh, knock, knock, whos there?
Cindy: I cant believe this. [rises to leave] Bad Day, Part 2: I cant even get laid by the Bloder brothers!
[Cindy stalks out of the bar.]
Clair: Nice work, gents! The earth just, uh, collided with Mars, a pig just flew by, and hell just froze over! You BLEW it, losers!
Kip: [teasingly] Why dont you tell us what you REALLY feel?
[They begin to laugh as before.]
Wayne: I mean, we like things fast, but that was the Indy 500!
[The brothers laugh again for a moment, and then grimace in unison and begin to cry softly. They alternate laughing and crying for a moment.]
Wayne: Hey, Clair, could you call our dad and ask him to come pick us up, please?
[They keep laughing and crying by turns. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
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Air Date:
NightlineSummary: Peanuts characters appear on “Nightline” to mourn the passing of Charles Schultz.