Month: October 2018

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: Hotel Room

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 8

Hotel Room

Manager…..Tony Rosato
Tom Snyder…..Joe Piscopo
Delivery Boy…..Tim Kazurinsky
Rona Barrett…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on a figure slumped in a bed in a dingy hotel room ]

TV Announcer: Stay tuned for an encore performance of “The Tomorrow Show”, starring Tom Snyder. Coming soon to this time period — the all-new David Letterman show.

Jingle: “N-B-C! Our pride is showing!”

[ “The Tonight Show” closing theme plays ]

Voice: [ banging on door ] Snyder! Open up! Turn off that TV, will’ya?! Open the door! Snyder!

[ the Manager bursts into the room ]

Manager: Snyder! The rest of the guests are complaining about all the noise up here! [ he turns the TV off ] What the hell’s going on?!

[ Tom Snyder sits up in bed ]

Tom Snyder: You, Sir, remind me of a station manager at KYW in Philadelphia! I don’t have to tell you what a pain in the rear THAT guy was, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Manager: Snyder, what the hell is going on? You don’t even seem to recognize me.

Tom Snyder: I know who you are. You are a gentleman who has written a book in which you claim to be the son of a Mr. Adolph Hitler! Huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Manager: Yeah, yeah, look, I’ve hear that all before, Snyder. Now, look — Your show has been cancelled. Okay?

Tom Snyder: Alright…

Manager: Will you try to get over that? I want you take all your stuff here — huh? — Please, pack it all up in the bags and get the hell out of here! Okay? You’ve flipped out into Yo-Yo Land! And, look, Snyder, do yourself a favor, will’ya? Go see a doctor or something, alright?

Tom Snyder: Alright. Thank you, Dr. Frank Fields, for being on our program tonight. [ the Manager exits ] And, uh — Join us a little latr in the show. We will have Supreme Court Justice William Burger AND the Amazing Kreskin.

[ Delivery Boy enters room ]

Delivery Boy: You ordered a sandwich?

Tom Snyder: We’ll be right back with more of tonight’s show, right after these announcements from NBC Television stations coast to coast.

Delivery Boy: It’s $3.50.

Tom Snyder: Fair enough, Sir. Sit down, have a seat! Alright, Sir, alright. [ Delivery Boy sits ] We’re being joined right now by a man who claims to have spent three years with a colony of alien creatures! He’s here tonight to shed some new light on the Kennedy assassination. Please welcome — Ted Turner!

Delivery Boy: Th… thank… thank you. It’s good to be here.

Tom Snyder: Alright. What the hell have you GOT for us, huh? [ he laughs maniacally as he grabs the bag ]

Delivery Boy: Uh — an olive loaf and a kaiser roll. $3.50.

Tom Snyder: Olive loaf! ALRIIIIGHTT!! [ he laughs maniacally ] Shel! Can we get a close-up of this thing, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ] Come in close! You know, how the hell’d they get the OLIVES in there?! [ he laughs maniacally ] That’s a great job — stuffing olives in MEAT! Huh? [ he laughs maniacally as he tosses the olive loaf and the bag ]

[ Rona Barrett materializes at the foot of the bed ]

Rona Barrett: That’s better than having no job, Tom.

Tom Snyder: Rona, you’re just a small-time BITCH fom Brooklyn!

Delivery Boy: [ confused ] Did somebody come in…?

Rona Barrett: Tom, did you hear? I have my own prime-time series, and our viewers are DYING to know what washed-up talk show host in wasting away in a cheap hotel, living on olive loaf.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Miss Rona — You’re short, you have a speech impediment, and you bleach your hair! Now, what the hell do you think of THAT, huh?! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Delivery Boy: [ more confused ] Who are — who are you talking to?!

Tom Snyder: Arrivederci, Rona! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Rona Barrett: Behind the laughter, is a very bitter man.

Tom Snyder: Take a hike, Rona, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]

[ Rona Barrett disappears ]

Delivery Boy: I — I — I gotta go, Mister… The sandwich is on me, okay?

Tom Snyder: Ladies and gentlemen — Rita Jeanerette! [ he laughs maniacally ]

[ the Delivery Boy runs out the room and slams the door ]

Tom Snyder: Well, I gotta tell you our next guest is a gentleman… he’s a gentleman who was at the center of an incredible controversy… many, many years ago. [ he kneels alongside the bed ] Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen… [ he pulls his teddy bear from underneath the bed ] The Lindbergh Baby! [ he laughs maniaically and sits on the bed ] I guess I don’t have to tell you, Sir, that I have been on the NBC Television Network since 1973. We were the first show to reveal the soft and gentle side of a much-maligned man named… Charles Manson. It was the very first show to, uh, to telecast from a leper colony. Alright… alright. I guess I’ve made a couple of mistakes. I went to Egypt and Sadat wouldn’t see me. Is THAT any reason to FIRE me? [ he laughs maniacally ] But I’ll be back! I’ll be back as long as there are geeks, weirdos, and sideshow freaks. I gotta tell ya’ — ol’ Tom’ll be around to give them the national exposure they deserve. And now, from the late, late shift here at 30 Rock… Thank you for being here. Thank you for being there. Good night, everybody.

[ he curls back up in bed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: Father Guido Sarducci’s Predictions

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 8

Father Guido Sarducci’s Predictions

…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Bill Murray: Ladies and gentlemen — Here i my bookie, my spiritual advisor, and my fellow barhound… Father Guido Sarducci. Father, welcome aboard.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you!

Bill Murray: Father, what have you been up to? Tell the folks what you’ve been up to.

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag from his cigarette ] Well… I’m up-a to-a being psychic. That’s-a my thing now. Not-a too-a much money, kind of like-a being-a the Pope. It makes no money. But, I don’t know-a — you know-a Duke University?

Bill Murray: Yeah.

Father Guido Sarducci: Every year, they-a have this thing-a, where-a they invite psychics up-a there to make three predictions for the coming year. And-a, last year, I was-a invited down there with just TOP people. Tamara Rand… and-a Jeanne-a Dixon… Dr. Joaquin-a Lorenzo. Just-a the top ones. And my predictions, I made-a last year, are-a here. They gave-a special permission — they wait until January — that we could open them on television and-a see-a how I did.

Bill Murray: Father, I don’t think anybody ever knew that you were a psychic.

Father Guido Sarducci: Oh, yes… I’ve ben a psychic for-a… quite a while.

Bill Murray: Well, since when? I mean, when did you have your first psychic experience?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well-a, the first time, I was-a just a little boy, like-a eight or nine years old. You know? I was-a with my mother, in fact. It was-a something. We were-a coming back-a from-a the grocery store — and carrying these bags and all — and-a my mother looks-a down and her purse wasn’t there. You know? She says, “Oh, no! My purse is-a not here!” And I says to her — it-a just-a come to me — I says: “I bet it’s-a back in-a the grocery store.” And-a we went-a back-a to he grocery store… it was-a right-a on-a the counter!

Bill Murray: In the grocery store?

Father Guido Sarducci: Where I pictured it, on the counter.

Bill Murray: And then you started having these psychic experiences all the time?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, I didn’t have-a another one for like fifteen-a years. But, after that… I was-a rolling all the time.

Bill Murray: [ opening an envelope ] Well, let’s see how you did on these ones — [ he pokes his finger on the tab ] Ouch! These are marked January 1st, 1981. Let’s see how you did on these.

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. These are from-a a year ago. In North Carolina, is where they got Duke.

Bill Murray: Okay.

Father Guido Sarducci: You know, maybe I should say this first, Bill, and that is I don’t take-a personal credit for this. I am just-a like-a the middle man. You know, like-a radio and everything. I just-a broadcast it. It’s-a like a blessing, and, you know, I just-a don’t want to take-a credit.

Bill Murray: Okay. Alright. So there’ll be no credit taken. Alrigt. [ reading card ] “Scientists from Bowling Green University will discover a way to generate energy from pain, and a person with migraine headaches will be able to generate enough energy to run a city the size of Balogna.”

Father Guido Sarducci: I’m-a just-a the middle man, you know? And, uh, I got it-a wrong, I’ll admit it. But I could-a still-a get-a 2 out of 3.

Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Prince Charles of England will marry a 45-year old Canadian divorcee with 14 children.”

Father Guido Sarducci: He did get married. He did. And Miss Diana was-a her name, and I’m quite sure she did get-a a divorce. Do-a you know-a if-a she is. I could-a check-a the almanac, but, uh…

Bill Murray: Yeah. We’ll check that out. There was a lot of press about her, but I don’t remember the divorce thing, though.

Father Guido Sarducci: Okay. I had-a one right.

Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Beinfs from another planet will invade Earth disguised as…” What is this word? [ he holds the card up ]

Father Guido Sarducci: “Chiclets.” It’s little gum.

Bill Murray: “Beings from another planet disguised as Chiclets will invade Earth.”

Father Guido Sarducci: I got two right.

Bill Murray: Two right?

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Didn’t you hear about it? It was in-a Europe. It made all the papers. You was-a probably making a movie or something.

Bill Murray: I only read the Post. I don’t know what happens anywhere else. That’s pretty good, getting 2 right out of 3. Now, I understand you have some predictions you want to make for 1982?

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. I do-a have some-a predictions for-a next-a year. And I think I could-a do-a even better. Bill, now when I close-a my eyes, I see-a this-a magic ball… and, uh, it says — funny name — “Yassar… and Marie.”

Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Father Guido Sarducci: And-a what this is, is-a Yassar Arafat and-a Marie Osmond. They’re gonna-a get married, tie-a the wedding knot sometyime in-a ’82. June, I think. And-a I predict — I predict-a this: There’s gonna be-a homeland for-a the Palestinians established someplace in-a Utah. In ’82.

Bill Murray: An incredible prediction. What else do you see?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, uh, this is-a kind of scary, but when-a I close-a my eyes-a sometimes… I see bombs. Bombs!

Bill Murray: What else?

Father Guido Sarducci: I see smoke.

Bill Murray: Smoke? Bombs? What?

Father Guido Sarducci: I see bottles of water.

Bill Murray: It sounds like a nuclear explosion, or something.

Father Guido Sarducci: You, see you’re a little bit-a psychic, too, I think! You know? But I do think, the nuclear-a war in-a ’82. No doubty about it. It’s-a gonna be bad. And, you know — They say when times are bad, buy gold. But what I’m-a telling you tonight is: Don’t buy gold; buy shovels. The time to-a buy gold is-a past. You know what I mean? Get shovels and start-a digging. Also, what-a you should do is-a buy canned goods. A lot of canned goods. And-a something very, very important: Don’t-a forget can openers! You gotta have them. Believe me, after the bomb. one can opener is gonna be-a worth-a like three kruggerands. You-a cannot-a open a can with-a a kruggerand.

Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm… You see anything else? Anything at all?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I do — I saw this one thing, I don’t — It’s a scale. It’s “scale” and-a the name… “Richter.”

Bill Murray: Well, that’s the scale they use to measure earthquakes.

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Richter Scale. And-a there’s the number 62… 162.2.

Bill Murray: That’s, uh, that’s a pretty good-sized earthquake…

Father Guido Sarducci: It’s gonna be a BIG one. Fiant rarthquake. And-a I predict-a ALL-a of the United States — EXCEPT California — is-a gonna falla- into the ocean. But — it’s-a not-a gonna be all-a rosy in-a California, either. ‘Cause: No place-a to go for-a vacations. You know? Unless you got a boat or something. But-a I predict that-a SURFING is-a gonna be-a GREAT! It’s-a gonna be-a BITCHING, no doubt about that! So, you know, if-a you got surfboards and you’re out there at the time, you know, you’re on-a Lucky Street. But — I just-a wanna wish everybody a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year for what it’s-a worth, and-a say “Arriverderci, America!” And I mean it!

[ they shae hands goodbye ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: At Home with the Psychos

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 8

At Home with the Psychos

written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mrs. Psycho…..Christine Ebersole
Mr. Psycho…..Bill Murray
Daughter…..Mary Gross
Son…..Eddie Murphy
Bob Davis…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on title card over footage of nuclear reactors, zoom in on suburban house at base of reactor ]

[ dissolve to living room filled with Christmas decorations, as mohawked Mrs. Psycho chugs from bottle ]

Mr. Psycho: [ entering ] Honey, I’m home!

Mrs. Psycho: HOME?! I’ll give you HOME! [ she fires her rifle at him ]

Mr. Psycho: This bulletproof suit I bought is the best darn investment I ever made. [ he removes his jacket and walks across the room ]

[ Mrs. Psycho cocks her rifle and fires another shot at him, as he covers his head ]

Mr. Psycho: Hey, what’s eating you?

Mrs. Psycho: I’ll tell you what’s eating me! [ she holds up her photo on the newspaper ] They stole my soul!

Mr. Psycho: Ohhhh, they haven’t stolen your soul. They just took your picture. “Psychos Won’t Leave Nuke Site”. It’s just another crackpot story about us. [ he kisses the blad part of her head, then continues to leaf through the newspaper ] Well…

Mrs. Psycho: Why is your fly open?

Mr. Psycho: [ changing subject ] Let’s see what this big, crazy, wonderful world of ours is up to! [ he opens the newspaper ] A-ha! “The World Is Coming to An End: WW3 Just Around The Corner.” Just a couple of days until the BIG one, honey!

Mrs. Psycho: What about your zipper?

Mr. Psycho: There’ll be TOTAL destruction of the Earth and we’ll be on Easy Street, Kitten!

Mrs. Psycho: Will you please explain to me why your big fly is open?

Mr. Psycho: [ he looks down ] Oh! Oh… well… uh… [ he zips up and chuckles ] I’m glad you noticed, actually. A couple of people from… “Venus” took me up in their Mother Ship, and… demanded a sperm sample. [ he shrugs ] I guess, according to their standards, I am some incredible specimen. They called me “Type F”, which is very, very good.

Mrs. Psycho: Mmm-hmm. I waxed the floors today. So how did it go at work today, honey?

Mr. Psycho: [ whispering ] Sometimes I think there is a conspiracy to deny the very existence of the blowhole…

Mr. Psycho: There’s no point in whispering, they can hear EVERY word we SAY!

Mr. Psycho: [ yelling into various corners of the room ] I said, Sometimes I think that there is a conspiracy to deny the very EXISTENCE of the BLOWHOLE!! Certain TOP government officials… are trying to SUPPRESS teh fact that, after World War 3, we WILL develop a new HOLE in our body! This post-nuclear orifice shall be known as… THE BLOWHOLE!! Likethat of a whale! And it’s gonna be HERE! [ he points to his bellybutton ] Or HERE! [ he points to his shoulder ] Possibly, HERE! [ he lifts his leg and points to the back of it ] The important thing is that I hold the exclusive franchise for a COMPLETE line of personal products to service the blowhole! I’LL make MILLIONS! But, no, you won’t let me!

Daughter: Daddy! Did I hear my Daddy? [ she stumbles over the couch ]

Mr. Psycho: I’m over here, my little ballerina! [ she prances around the long end of the couch ] No, over here. Okay, go that way, then, alright. Go, go, go, go, go! Past that… Left, left, left, left! Warmer! Warmer! Warmer, warmer, warmer! Red-hot! Red-hot!

[ she falls into his arms ]

Daughter: Oh, Daddy!

[ they make out passionately ]

Mrs. Psycho: Why do you keep encouraging this HOPELESS dream of hers? She could be some kind of TOUCH-TYPIST! She could be on an ASSEMBLY LINE! She could be a PIANO TUNER! She could be THOUSANDS of things she could be, but a BLIND BALLERINA is NOT one of them!

Daughter: Oh, yeah?! [ facing the wrong direction ] Well, I’ll show you, Mom! I’ll show them ALL!!

[ she performs “Swan Lake” and crashes into the Christmas tree ]

Mr. Psycho: Alright, don’t move, Princess! I’ll help you! I’ll help you!

Mrs. Psycho: No, no, no! Let her get up by herself! You’re spoiling her ROTTENm, she just needs attention!

Daughter: [ standing ] I’m an artist! Dancing is my life! And you can’t see that, can you, Mom? You’re just another bourgeois housewife!

Mr. Psycho: Now, just a minute, young lady… Who do you think you’re talking to like that?

Mrs. Psycho: [ holding up bloody hands ] My hands!! I’ve got the STINK again!!

Mr. Psycho: Now, look what you have DONE!! You’ve set off Mommy’s stigmota!!

Mrs. Psycho: I hope you’re satisfied!! How do you expect me to fix dinner with these things!! And one time, why don’t you clean up your room once in a while?!! But, no!! You can’t see that you’re BLIND!!!

[ dynamite-covered Son enters ]

Son: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! [ mumbling to himself: ] 52 hostages… 52 days in a year… 52 cards in a deck. It all adds up to something, don’t it?

Mr. Psycho: It certainly does, Son.

Son: [ clutching hand grenade ] I don’t want to be called “Son” no more. I want to be called “Mr. Tibbs”!

Mr. Psycho: Sure.

Mrs. Psycho: Anything you say, Mr. Tibbs.

Mr. Psycho: So… [ he steps closer ] How was your trip, Mr. Tibbs?

Son: It was nice! They gave me the whole First Class section to myself!

Mr. Psycho: Did you have a chance to chat with the president — Bud Noland? Get across your “slant” on things?

[ a siren comes closer ]

Son: No, Pop… he was always two shopping malls ahead of me.

Mr. Psycho: It’s a tough break, Mr. Tibbs.

[ the doorbell rings ]

[ Mr. Psycho steps behind his son to reach for the door ]

Son: Don’t step in my SHADOW!

Mrs. Psycho: I’ll get it!

[ she opens the door, as Bob Davis rushes in amidst the sound of a nuclear siren in the background ]

Bob Davis: Uh — Bob Davis, Evacuation Supervisor. Mr. Psycho, my people are worried about Number Five there… [ he points to the nuclear reactor outside the window ] You see that jagged, glowing line? It runs down the main casing? That’s what we calla “fissure”. Now, we haven’t been altogether successful in patching it up, and, uh… Well, we think that core may blow any second. So if you nd your family will follow me — I’ve got a van waiting outside.

Mr. Psycho: Well, let me tell you something, okay, uh, Mr. Davis?

Bob Davis: There’s no time for talk! We’ve GOT to run!

Mr. Psycho: [ he grabs him by the jacket ] LISTEN to me, Mister! Alright? Just for fun! just for fun! [ he pulls him down to the couch ] Why don’t you listen to my story, okay?

Bob Davis: We’ve only got SECONDS!! [ he tries to rush past Son ]

Son: [ clutching his hand grenade ] You better sit down and listen to my Daddy, or I’m gonna splatter your BRAINS, man, all over this room!

Bob Davis: [ he sits ] Of course, I’m eager to hear your viewpoint.

Mr. Psycho: Honey, give me my briefcase. [ she hands it over, as he opens it ] Mr. Davis? This is the blowhole. The survivors of World War 3 will have at least one of these. Right here… [ he grabs the back of his neck ] Or here… [ he grabs his lower back ] Possibly, here. p he grabs the bottom of his foot ]

Bob Davis: Are those teeth?

Mr. Psycho: The key thing to remember is that I’ll be the only one selling a complete line of blowhole cosmetic products. For example: [ he holds up a giant cue-tip ] This cleans the blowhole… [ he holds up spray deodorant ] This deodorizes the blowhole… [ he holds up lipstick ] This beautifies the blowhole… [ he holds up a toilet brush ] And this makes the blowhole happen.

[ a second alarm goes off ]

Bob Davis: I really should be going!

Mr. Psycho: [ grabbing him ] Why don’t I put you down for an order?!

Bob Davis: Sure… why not…

Mr. Psycho: Great! Terrific! [ he grabs paperwork ] You can sign it right now.

Bob Davis: I’ll be glad to…

Mr. Psycho: Could you sign here?

Bob Davis: Sure, glad to… [ he signs quickly ]

Mr. Psycho: Or here?

Bob Davis: Alright, fine… [ he signs ]

Mr. Psycho: Possibly, here?

Bob Davis: Yeah….

Mr. Psycho: And, if you wouldn’t mind, initialing this?

Bob Davis: Okay…

Mr. Psycho: okay, thank you.

Bob Davis: Thank you!

Mr. Psycho: [ grabbing him ] Wait, just a second! [ he laughs ] Your copy. [ he hands a sheet over, as Davis runs out the door ] Thank you!

Mrs. Psycho: Nice seeing you!

Mr. Psycho: [ proudly ] We won! They pushed us out of the Love Canal, but they aren’t pushing us out of here!

Mrs. Psycho: And you finally made a sale!

Son: Hey, look — Mama’s hands stopped bleeding!

Daughter: Daddy! I can see! [ she rushes forward and falls over the couch ]

Mrs. Psycho: [ looking out the window ] It’s a full glow tonight, honey!

[ Mr. Psycho jumps over the couch to look out the window, then kisses Mrs. Psycho ]

Mr. Psycho: They called us crazy! Sure, we’re crazy… we’re crazy enough to believe in the future of America! We’re the Psychos! We’re the warped… the twisted… weird! [ the kids sit in front of their parents on the couch ] Ever wonder who’s still buying those Chryslers?

Psychos: WE ARE!!!

Mr. Psycho: …Or who wants to keep Tommy Snyder on the air?

Psychos: WE DO!!!

[ a Christmas chorus blends into the background sirens ]

Mr. Psycho: Whenever you hear about people talking about limited nuclear war… or a $60 billion MX missile system… well, that would be us! That’s right! We’ew the one-hundred per cent… ZONED OUT… AMERICAN NUTCASE!! AND WE ARE GONNA REDLINE THIS COUNTRY RIGHT INTO THE 21ST CENTURY!!!

Son: Merry Christmas.

[ pull out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 8

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Joe Piscopo
Cassius Clay/Mohammed Ali…..Eddie Murphy
…..Mary Gross
Boy #1…..Seth Green

Announcer: And now, “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchor Brian Doyle-Murray.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, I’m Brian Doyle-Murray.

Our top story tonight: The White House announced today that job vacancies caused by the 1500 Americans who have to leave Libya will be filled by striking PAT-CO air traffic controllers. President Reagan has promised that as he calls endangered Americans home from hostile countries, they will be replaced by air traffic controllers until all 12,000 of them are unemployed again.

Well, this man, Libyan leader, Col. Moammar Kadaffi, has been the study of intense news coverage this week by every major news origanization in America. However, every time his name appears in print, it has a different spelling. “The Chicago Tribune” spells it K-H-A-D-A-F-Y; “The Los Angeles Times” spells it K-A-D-A-F-I; “Newsweek” Magazine, K-A-D-D-A-F-I; “Time” Magazine, G-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The Wall Street Journal”, Q-A-D-H-A-F-I; “The Washington Post”, Q-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The New York Times”, el-Qaddafi. My personal favorite is from the comic book publishers — Kadaffy Duck.

Brian Doyle-Murray: How do you spell Kadaffi? Let us know. [ news screen scroll many weird spellings of Kadaffi ] Our news research department has determined that no two people spell it alike. Send us your spelling of Kadaffi, and remember, it can’t be the same as any of these spellings you’re seeing on the screen right now. The most original spelling of the Libyan leader’s name will be awarded a one-way ticket to Tripoli — that is, if your passport allows you to go there. So, send that in — let us know how YOU spell Kadaffi!

In Little Rock, Arkansas, the state is trying to prove that the theory of Creation is just as scientific as Darwinian evolution, and it should be taught in the public school. Well, State Attorney General, Steve Clark, has been attacked by Creationists as possibly being too sympathetic to the theory of evoluton, and therefore unfit to represent the state. Attorney General Clark, shown here in a courtroom artist’s sketch, says he’s an elected official and cannot be forced to withdraw from the trial.

The government of France announced today that, in addition to selling advanced weapons to ANY country that wants them, it is willing to buy licquor for underaged students while they wait in the car.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, once again, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it, is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe!

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Brian! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports! The big story: Mohammed Ali. Last night. Fight. Drama. Bahama! LOST! It’s been a long road for Ali! I remember when I was a young sportcaster at a small television station, when I interviewed a then-young fighter named Cassius Clay! Let’s take a look!

[ cut to Joe’s early black-and-white footage of the interview ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Sportstime! The big story: Clay! Cassius! Mouth! Big! Fight! Liston! What’s the story, Cassius?

Cassius Clay: I can’t believe Sonny Litoen’s getting inside the ring with me! Getting in with me, Cassius Clay! The man’s a disgrace to boxing! He’s too old to be fighting me! The man’s 32-years-old! 32! The man’s ready for a rocking chair! I guarantee the world — I’m gonna shock the world, prove the world, I’m the greatest fighter of all time! Destroy this man, and I’m gonna keep the Heavyweight Championship of the world for five years straight, then I’m gonna retire from the boxing game, healthy, happy, rich and pretty! I’m the greatet fighter of all time!

[ cut back to Joe in the studio, modern day ]

Joe Piscopo: Well, 2o years later, here! Now! Mohammed Ali! [ Mohammed Ali appears via satellite, aged ] What’s the story, Mohammed?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… But with a face so cheap, I won’t be back for a while.

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, how do you feel after last night’s fight?

Mohammed Ali: [ mumbles unintelligbly ]

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed! Fact! Have you taken one punch too many?

Mohammed Ali: I’m sick and tired of people saying the same old things everytime people walk off from the street. Do I sound like I took too many punches? Everybody’s saying I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m old, I got brain damage. I’m the greatest fighter of all time! People are saying I’m washed up, I’m old, I’m senile — How can you say that after all I’ve done for you? After all I’ve done for you. I MADE you, Cosell!

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, are you gonna fight again?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… [ singing ] “Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-oh. And on this farm, he had some…”

Joe Piscopo: Well, there you have it! Ali, confused. Career? Over! Brain cells? Few! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Joe.

Well, the holiday season brings out the little child in all of us. Correspondent Mary Gross has prepared this special report.

[ cut to footage of Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: Christmas. A time for joy, a time for love, a time for sharing. It’s a special season with a special meaning for us all — especially the young. I’m here at Rockefeller Center to find out what Christmas means to children.

[ cut to responses from various children ]

Boy #1: It’s a major headache! The stores are crowded, and there’s traffic!

Boy #2: It’s so commercialized. I was at Macy’s a few months ago, and they already had the Christmas decorations up!

Girl #1: It has NO religious significance! THe people are just out to make a BUCK!

Boy #3: It just isn’t what it used to be. I remember in, uh… ’77, ’78… THAT was Christmas!

Boy #4: No Christmas specials! Give me a break!

Boy #5: You know who I hate the most? Perry Como!

Girl #1: The WORST thing about Christmas… is having to get together with your family! [ she rolls her eyes ]

Girl #2: It doesn’t matter what they give me; I’m just gonna return it anyway!

Boy #1: I wish they’d just me cash!

[ return to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: The spirit of Christmas, mirrored in the smiling faces of children! This is Mary Gross, saying Merry Christmas one and all.

[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: A fine report, Mary! Thank you! Well, that’s the news. Good night, and Merry Christmas.

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: Bill Murray’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 8

Bill Murray’s Monologue

…..Bill Murray
Santa Claus…..Andy Murphy

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Murray!

Bill Murray: Welcome. It’s going to be a great show tonight! We have some increible, incredible guests – starting with this man. Ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus! [ Santa walks out and is hugged by Bill ] I love this guy! I want to tell you something about this man. Santa’s schedule this time of year is almost as hectic as mine. I mean.. I call him up, though, and I said, “Chris, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Can you be here?” He said, “Billy, two things: What time, and What do I wear?” The guy is a saint! A legitimate Christian holy man. You know what I’m saying? I mean, everyone knows, around Christmas, the guy is working. What they don’t know is the Kringle does this 365 a year. True story: Glen Campbell Invitiational Golf Tournament. The nut – Claus – shows up, gives Rolex watches to everybody. [ holds up his arm ] I haven’t taken it off! It’s incredibly expensive! [ turns to Santa ] I love you, man! [ hugs Santa ] Is he gorgeous? Can we hear a round? He’s gonna be back later! We’ll be right back! I am very excited!

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 8

Goodnights

…..Bill Murray

[ Center stage: a somewhat somber Bill Murray gathers with the cast, the Spinners, and the Yale Whiffenpoofs. ]

Bill Murray: Well, we’ve had a very good time, uh, here tonight. Here in the studio, what all of us don’t know and what we just found out is that the uh, members of the Solidarity in Poland were all arrested, and the country’s been taken over by the Soviets. So, we’ve had a lot of laughs here and The Spinners, y’know — it’s no joke, Jim. It’s real sad. And the Spinners were here and great, and these poor stiffs from Yale think this is the biggest night of their lives and now they gotta go in the army. [ everyone laughs except Bill ] But uh, it’s Christmas, and uh, there’s still a bargain to be had in Fort Lee, New Jersey. There’s still uh, things you can pick up, when people are not watching in, in various department stores, here in Manhattan anyway. But our hearts should be with — and they are, with the good people of Poland. God bless them, every one. Good night, everyone.

[ Applause. They all wave goodbye as the credits roll. ]

Announcer: Be sure to be with us two weeks from tonight, for Saturday Night Live, with guests Rod Stewart, Tina Turner and Yoko Ono. This is Bill Hanrahan saying good night.

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts: Bill Murray: 12/12/81

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 8

Air Date: December 12th, 1981

Host: Bill Murray

Musical Guest: The Spinners

Special Guests: Michael Davis

Cameos: Father Guido Sarducci

Bit Players: Yale Wiffenpoofs

None

Andy Murphy
The Phone Company

Montage

Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: Bill Murray introduces the audience to his close, personal friend, Santa Claus (Andy Murphy).

Tales of the UnlikelySummary: A trio of Libyan terrorists (Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Robin Duke) pose as students in an attempt to assassinate President Ronald Reagan on behalf of Colonel Kaddafy.

Hotel RoomSummary: Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) mourns the loss of “Tomorrow” by pretending to continue hosting the show in a singy hotel room.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

The Spinners perform a medley of their hitsNote: The Spinners’ medley includes the hits “Then Came You”, “I’ll Be Around”, and “Working My Way Back to You.”

MX-5 TamponsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) promotes the tampons that are stronger than Brenda Vaccarro’s preferred brand.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray outlines the numerous misspellings of Kaddafy. Sportscaster Joe Piscopo airs an early interview with Muhammed Ali (Eddie Murphy) prior to going to him for an update on his boxing career. In a filmed report, Mary Gross gets childrens’ reaction to the overcommercialization of Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Muhammed Ali.

Designer Fairy TalesSummary: Brooke Shields (Mary Gross) reads the tale of how elves helped Ralph Lauren (Bill Murray) create a new fashion line.

Recurring Characters: Brooke Shields.

Michael DavisSummary: Prompted by a fan letter, comic-juggler Michael Davis attempts to juggle three bowling balls.

Father Guido Sarducci’s PredictionsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) unveils his psychic predictions for the coming year.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

At Home With The PsychosSummary: Suburban family (Bill Murray, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Eddie Murphy) living next to a cracked nuclear reactor prepare for World War 3 and the opportunity to get rich selling blowhole cosmetic accessories to the radiation-affected survivors.

81g: Tim Curry / Meat Loaf

The Economics of ChristmasSummary: Rich couple (Joe Piscopo, Christine Ebersole) turns down Honker’s (Bill Murray) request for a handout in favor of him earning it through trickle-down economics.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

The Yale Wiffenpoofs

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts: Bernadette Peters: 11/14/81: Reagan’s Illigitimate Son

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 7

Reagan’s Illigitimate Son

…..Eddie Murphy

[Eddie is sitting at his desk in his office]

Eddie Murphy: I think it’s time to set the record straight once and for all and I think it’s time that the truth is known. You see, I’ve been keeping this quiet for quite some time man but no more. There’s a lot that you people don’t know about me and there’s alot I don’t know myself you see, because my papa left home when I was very young. He left me and my mama when I was ten years old. Papa, I know you’re watching and I know what you’re feeling.I know what I’m feeling. Hey man, I love you. Why don’t you just come on home because we need you. You all know myfather. (Pulls out a photo of Ronald Reagan) I’m Ronald Reagan’s illegitimate son.

I remember when you first left home, papa. It was a Saturday morning. We was watching Gumby together. It was your favorite show, papa. I got up and went into the kitchen to get me a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and I looked inside the refrigerator and there wasn’t no milk and he patted me on the head and he said “Don’t worry son, I’ll go to the store and get you some milk.” Papa, I ain’t seen you since man! Next thing I know, you’re the govenor of California. Now you’re in the White House and I’ve got a half brother prancing around the country in a pair of danskins man! It’s embarrassing man!

Papa, please. Papa, look, I want to tell the people of the world. I have proof that he’s my father. Here’s a pictureof papa and me and my mama when I was about three years old. (shows a doctored photo of three year old Eddie (his adult face), his mama and Ronald Reagan) (Gets teary eyed) Papa, I love you please come home. Papa please. The address is Harlem, 413 125th Street, The Kennedy Projects papa. Apartment 3C. Papa please! Papa please, I love you! Papa!

(breaks down)

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

81g: Tim Curry / Meat Loaf

SNL Transcripts: Tim Curry: 11/14/81: Mick!

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 7: Episode 7

Mick!

Mick Jagger…..Tim Curry
Mandrell Sisters…..Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross
Clerk…..Frank Nelson
Shari Lewis…..Robin Duke
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
Rip Taylor…..Tony Rosato
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on superimposed Rolling Stones lip logo, as “Sympathy For the DEvil” plays ]

Announcer: From Television City in Hollywood — It’s the Mick Jagger Special! Ladies and gentlemen — MICK!

[ Mick Jagger appears from behind the curtain ]

Mick Jagger: Hello! Hello! [ singing ]
“Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste!
I’ve been around for a long, long years
Stolen many a man’s soul and faith!
Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!”

Mick Jagger: Hello! I’m Mick Jagger! Welcome to our very first television special ever! Thank you! With our very special musical guests — The Mandrell Sisters!

[ pan over to the Mandrell Sisters performing ]

Mandrell Sisters: [ singing ]
“You’ve been singing after dark
We’ve been sleeping all alone
Mick, we miss you!

We’ve been hanging on the phone
We’ve been sleeping all alone
We’re going to kiss you!”

Mick Jagger: Ladies and gentlemen — the Mandrell Sisters! Now, then — You know, some people think that Mick Jagger is a… a little wild! That I’m the kind of bloke who lives on the edge! But that’s not true. [ he contorts his face ] I’m just… an ordinary guy like you! You see… I like PUPPIES! And PLUM PUDDINGS! Cozy evenings by the fire! Or just… walking down the street in ANYTOWN, U.S.A.! [ he struts over to a news stand ] Uh — Excuse me, Sir. [ he taps on the counter ] Uh, Sir? Sir?

[ the clerk finally turns around, revealed to be Frank Nelson ]

Clerk: Uh, yeeeeeeessssss???

Mick Jagger: Um — Do you sell magazines, Sir?

Clerk: Uh, no! No, THIS is a jumbo jet and I’m the stewardess! Would you like a drink?

Mick Jagger: Uhhhh… no, not really. No. Uh, do you have any magazines?

Clerk: Mmmmm, uhhhhh, yeeeeeeesssss!! [ he turns around ]

Mick Jagger: I say — Excuse me?

[ the clerk turns around ]

Clerk: Oh, it’s you again!

Mick Jagger: [ he laughs ] I’m sorry to bother you, but… do you have “Rolling Stone”?

Clerk: Uhhhhhhh, euuuuuggggghhhhhh!! [ he turns around ]

Mick Jagger: [ to the audience ] I didn’t have the heart to tell him… that this face… [ he contorts his face ] is on the cover of MOST of the rags he’s SELLING! Now… most of you know me as a singer-songwriter-performer. A guy who lives on the edge. But there’s a person out there… who knows me… as “Daddy.” My biggest fan — my daughter Jade. The other day, she said to me: “Hey, Daddy! If you ever have a network special of your very own, you’ve got to put this act!” I’m talking, of course, about the beautifully preserved Shari Lewis and her loveable friend Lamb Chop! [ he sits next to Lewis ] Hello, Lamb Chop!

Lamb Chop: Hello!

Mick Jagger: Lucky day!

Lamb Chop: [ swooning ] Mick…! [ she faints and pants ]

Mick Jagger: Did I say something wrong?

Shari Lewis: No, it’s just that Lamb Chop is shy! Lamb Chop, speak to him.

Lamb Chop: Oh, Mick… I’m your biggest fan! And I’ve always wanted to meet you… And… And… [ she whispers into Lewis’ ear ]

Shari Lewis: Well, go on and ask him, Lamb Chop! Go on.

Lamb Chop: Mr. Jagger? Mick? Could I have a… itsy… bitsy…… kiss?

Mick Jagger: It would be my pleasure!

[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Lamb Chop ]

Mick Jagger: I haven’t forgotten you either!

[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Shari Lewis ]

Lamb Chop: Mick…? [ panting ] Would you… sing a song for… us?

Mick Jagger: Only if you introduce me!

Lamb Chop: Ohh… My pleasure! [ clears her throat ] Ladies and gentlemen — the god of rock and roll, and… the best tongue-kisser in the business! MICK JAGGER!!

[ Mick runs on stage and sings “Brown Sugar”, until Buckwheat joins him on stage ]

Mick Jagger: I can’t believe it! Buckwheat! What are you doing on my first network special?

Buckwheat: Hi, Bick Dagger! I was dust atoss da hall taping a bew special, based on my album Buh-weet Sings! [ he holds up the album ] It’s Number 18 on the charts with a bullet, and we hoping dat it’s gonna doe dold!

Mick Jagger: Doe dold?

Buckwheat: Doe dold!

Mick Jagger: Well, I just want to remind everyone that Buckwheat’s next special airs this Thursday night on NBC at nine o-clock!

Buckwheat: Eight o’cock pentral!

Mick Jagger: Buckwheat, I wish you the very best with your special. You KNOW I’ll be watching!

Buckwheat: O-tay!

Mick Jagger: You know, Buckwheat, when I think about the people who have influenced me, I think of, uh… Muddy Waters… [ he contorts his face ] Big Bill Brunsy… and this man. He’s taught me what performing is all about. Ladies and gentlemen — the comic genius of Mr. RIP TAYLOR!

[ Rip Taylor appears tossing feathers into the audience ]

Rip Taylor: Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! [ he runs up on stage ] How is everybody? Okay? [ the audience screams back ] I can’t hear you! Is everybody okay?! [ the audience screams louder ] Joy! [ he laughs, then picks up a broken Barbie doll ] Well, take a look at this, what’s this? Barbie’s half-sister! Well, laugh it up, kids, it doesn’t get any better! How about this? [ he holds up a bullet-ridden fish ] Holy mackeral! [ he laughs ] Uh, hellooooo! Hellooooo! [ he tosses the fish over his shoulder ] I just had it for the halibut, anyway! [ he laughs, then picks up a fake hand attached to a spring ] How about this? Palm Springs? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Hey, kids, what about this? [ he picks up chattering teeth ] Nine teeth nervous breakdown? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Nine teeth nervous… Oh, my God, they’re blind, too! [ he holds up a pickle ] Mother’s Little Helper? [ he laughs, then points into the audience ] Oh, he got it. You got it, didn’t you? He’s got one in his hands! Okay! [ he taps a paintbrush against the pickle ] Paint It Black? [ he laughs ] Paint It Black, kids. Come on, get with it. [ he laughs, then sprays the audience with seltzer ] You people aren’t laughing! Laugh it up! [ he rubs a six-pack across his head ] As Beers Go By! [ he laughs ] Oh, you’re gonna get these at home and laaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh!! That’s it, kids! That’s it!

[ Taylor runs off stage ]

Mick Jagger: You know — I’ve been called a Living Legend. [ he contorts his mouth ] A man who lives on the edge. But this man has been called… a puppet… a poet… a pirate… a pauper, a pawn, and the Chairman of the Board! Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Francis Albert SINATRA!

[ Sinatra appears on stage ]

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Theeeeeeeeese little town blues!
They are MELTING awayyyyyy!
I’m gonna make a brand new start of it
in old New York!
Annnnnnndddd! If I can make it there
I could make it almost anywhere!
It’s up to you! New! York! New Yorrrrrrrrrrkkkkk!!
New Yorrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkk!!!”

[ Jagger joins Sinatra on stage ]

Mick Jagger: Oh! Ring-a-ding-ding, Frank!

Frank Sinatra: [ he wraps his arm around Jagger’s shoulder ] Let me embarrass this man for a moment. I have had the honor to work with great arrangers and conductors — like Don Costa, Gordon Jenkins, Vinnie Balcone, and others just too numerous to mention. And I’ve always had this theory: Rock singers make me PUKE! Except for this man. Mick, you are hip!

Mick Jagger: Oh, thanks, Frank! I’ve always admired your style.

Frank Sinatra: Well, likewise. You and your partner, uh… what’s his name? The guy that looks like Walking Death?

Mick Jagger: Keith Richards.

Frank Sinatra: Keith Richards. Right. That cat. You guys have had some bouncy tunes that I’ve always wanted to sing.

Mick Jagger: Well, no one’s stopping you, Francis Albert!

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Under my thumb!
That gal! She shot me down!
My thumb!
That chick! She pushed me around!

It’s down on meeeeeeeee, JACK!
No difference in the treads she wear
It’s down to me!
Change has come!
THUMB!”

Mick Jagger: Remember this one, friend?
[ singing ]
“Strangers in the night, exchanging glances
Wondering in the night, what were the chances?
We’d be sharing love, before the night is throooooough?”

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Hey! You! Get off my cloud!
Hey, you! Off my cloud!
You! Take a hike!
Do not hang around, buster!
Two is a crowd!”

[ Sinatra exits the stage, as Jagger drops to his knees ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Myyyyyyyy kind of town!
Chicago is… myyyyy kind of town!
Chicago is…”

Hey, this has been MY kind of television special!

[ singing ]
“We’ve had some fun, together. [ he contorts his mouth ]
On my first big special, ever.
We’ve spent the night together… [ holding back the tears ] yeahhhh!”

Good night, Jade. Daddy’ll be home soon. [ he wiggles his ear ]

[ end credits roll:

Executive Producer
ALAN BRADY

Producer
MEL COOLEY

Written by
ROB PETRIE
SALLY ROGERS
BUDDY SORRELL

A
BERNIE SUGARMAN
PRODUCTION ]

[ fade ]