Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Let’s See What’s Bothering Bob

Bob…..Brian McConnachie
Wife…..Mary Gross

[ open on 50’s-style suburban neighbrhood, with SUPER: “Let’s See What’s Bothering Bob” ]

[ pan down to Bob’s house and into his front window, to find him reading the newspaper in his favorite chair ]

Narrator: This is Bob. He doesn’t seem to be himself today. I wonder what’s bothering him? [ Bob reaches for his pipe, but accidentally knocks over his glass in the process ] Maybe he’s just not having a good day.

[ cut to Bob’s wife and daughter doing needlepoint on the sofa ]

Narrator: His wife Ellen has noticed it, too.

[ Ellen expresses a look of concern in Bob’s direction ]

[ cut to Bob sitting at a desk, working on the family finances ]

Narrator: He seems to be working with numbers all the time. Wonder what’s on his mind?

[ cut to Bob looking out the window ]

Narrator: Oh, well… maybe it’s just the weather.

[ cut to Bob standing in front of the family station wagon, which he gices a swift kick ]

Narrator: Wonder what made him do that? That car’s been his pride and joy.

[ cut to Bob mowing the lawn with his push mower ]

Narrator: He’s not mowing the lawn with his usual vigor, either.

[ his kids watch silently from an upstairs window ]

[ cut to Bob entering the kitchen ]

Narrator: Whatever it is… it’s bothering Bob.

[ cut to close-up of the family dog lying on the floor ]

Narrator: Even ol’ Wally seems to know ,i>something’s up.

[ cut to Bob losing his appetite at the dinner table ]

Narrator: Never known Bob to turn down Ellen’s peach pie before. What’s he thinking about?

[ cut to Ellen and the kids in the family room, as Bob enters ]

Narrator: Well… looks like he’s FINALLY made up his mind about something. And Bobby and susie think it’s about time.

[ Bob starts to say something, but stops himself ]

Narrator: Wait a minute. Looks like he’s forgotten something. What could it be?

[ Ellen and the kids continue on with what they were doing, as strange sounds are heard from the kitchen. They look up to ee Bob re-enter the family room pulling the cord on a chainsaw. ]

[ dissolve to the camera panning away from Bob’s house, as his kids run across neighboring lawns to safety ]

Narrator: Oh. That’s it.

[ fade ]

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  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

The Bizarro World

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Voiceover…..Michael O’Donaghue
Woman #1…..Robin Duke
Woman #2…..Mary Gross
Black House Aide #1…..Tony Rosato
Black House Aide…..Tim Kazurinsky
Bizarro President…..Joe Piscopo
Last-Lady…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on a spinning, square globe in outer space ]
Voiceover: There exists a parallel universe, where our earthly events are duplicated. But, they are duplicated backwards, for it is a reflection. Our earth is a sphere, so the parallel earth is, of course, a cube. This is: The Bizarro World. So, while this exchange would be taking place on earth..

[ cut to two women talking ]

Woman #1: Oh, I’m cold! Turn up the heat! And have the maid clean up the house! It’s a mess!

Woman #2: Oh, that’s a good idea. We ought to throw out this trash, too.. but first, I’d like a glass of water.

Voiceover: The following exchange would be taking place in theBizarro World:

Woman #1: Oh, I’m cold! Turn up the air conditioning! And have the maid dirty up the house!

Woman #2: Good idea! And throw away all these diamonds! But first, me thirsty. Me want a glass of nice, dry sand.

Voiceover: Oh, no! Looks like those Bizarros have gotten itexactly backwards! Well, it’s a crazy place.. As a matter of fact, right now in the Bizarro World, Bizarro Jerry Falwell is fighting to get more sex and violence on TV.

[ cut to Bizarro Jerry Falwell giving a speech ]

Bizarro Jerry Falwell: Good Bizarro American people am tired of bad TV! Look at “Little House on the Prairie”! It am boring! Let’s see Laura’s boobs, then blow up the house!

Voiceover: Pretty wild, huh? But what do you expect of a placewhere the Miss America contest is a search for the ugliest girl? Andwhere, instead of having a Be Kind to Animals Week..

[ cut to Bizarro being mean to animals ]

Bizarro: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! [ pulls axe frombehind his back ]

Voiceover: ..they have a Be Cruel to Animals Week. They prefer it, because you only have to have it once. Everything is backwards on this mysterious cube. Black is white. Hello is goodbye. Right is wrong. But even in this strange world, there is one place so bizarre, it scares even them.

[ cut to exterior, Black House – SUPER: “Black House, Bizarro United States” ]

[ cut to interior, Trapezoid Office – SUPER: “The Trapezoid Office of the Bizarro President” ]

Black House Aide #1: It am big responsibility being Black House Aide.

Black House Aide #2: Yes. We must prepare the Trapezoid Office for the Bizarro American President? Am his wife coming, too?

Black House Aide #1: Last Lady? Yes, she am coming.

Black House Aide #2: What should we do first?

[ they approach the desk ]

Black House Aide #1: Look at all these important papers on his desk.

Throw them away, then we’ll break the windows and put dirt on the floor.

Black House Aide #2: Good idea. [ they begin messing up the Trapezoid Office ] Where am the Bizarro President?

Black House Aide #1: His job in Washington, so of course he inCalifornia.

Black House Aide #2: That don’t make Bizarro sense. Hey! Thismorning, me pull up all those ugly roses in the weed garden and plantbeautiful weeds. [ wipes brow ] Me thirsty. Is there any sand to drink?

Black House Aide #1: You can have a glass of sand to drink afterwe’re finished.

Black House Aide #2: [ panicking, runs to desk ] Ah! Water! Water! Quick! Bring some fire! Put it out! [ pounds desk ] It’s okay.. it’s out.

Black House Aide #1: Look! Here am President! [ Bizarro President and Wife enter ] Goodbye, President. Goodbye, Last Lady.

Bizarro President: Goodbye, everybody.

Last-Lady: Oh, you dirties up the office. Thank you.

Black House Aide #2: Don’t mention it.

Last-Lady: Well, I’m off to go visit my masculine son. Hello.

Black House Aide #1: Hello.

Black House Aide #2: Hello. [ Last-Lady exits ] Ah-ha! Phone did not ring, so me answer it. [ answers phone ] Goodbye! Oh, no! Oh, no! There’s a crisis! There’s a crisis! Quick, Bizarro President! Go to sleep!

[ Bizarro President drops his head onto his desk and falls alseep ]
Black House Aide #1: Phew! That was quick Presidential action. What a leader!

Black House Aide #2: Him always do exact wrong thing. Him perfect!

Black House Aide #1: Me agree. Right from start, me knew he wasBizarro #1. Remember when him appoint Cabinet?

[ flashback to Bizarro President appointing his Cabinet ]

Bizarro President: For Secretary of Interior, man who likes strip-mining and air pollution. For Secretary of Education, man who want to destroy department. For Secretary of State, scary man with morals of a styrofoam cup..

[ blend back to the present-day ]

Black House Aide #2: Him am incredible! Bizarro Americans all love him!

Black House Aide #1: Of course.

Bizarro President: [ waking up ] Me right-to-lifer, so me support the death penalty!

Black House Aide #1: It’s that kind of statement that has made him the darling of the Bizarro empire.

Black House Aide #2: What a guy! Him smart! Say, me hungry.. let’s go eat some rocks!

Black House Aide #1: What a bad idea.

[ they exit the Trapezoid Office ]

Voiceover: And so we leave that strange and wacky planet 60 zillion light-years away, known as The Bizarro World.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Single Bars and Single Women

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Single Woman … Christine Ebersole

[A neon sign reads: LONELY’S. Piano music. We pullback to reveal that we are in an almost empty drinkingestablishment, late at night. Behind the bar, abalding bartender cleans glasses with a towel. Wediscover a pretty blonde woman seated at the nearbypiano bar with a drink in front of her, a silentjukebox and the neon sign glowing in the backgroundbehind her. While a young black man at the keyboardaccompanies her, she sings a mournful, country-tingedballad:]

Single Woman: [sings]
Single bars and single women
With a single thought in mind
Just to make it till the morning
Looking for what they can find
For a man you won’t remember
For a night you can’t forget
Do you come to this place often?
May I light your cigarette?

Drinkin’ beer and Amaretto
Poppin’ pills and smokin’ dope
Hopin’ for a new beginning
But beginning to lose hope
As you’re waitin’ for the moment
When a glance becomes a stare
Have you seen my new Camaro?
Do you like your sirloin rare?

Find a matchbook in the morning
With a name and number scrawled
When you phone, a woman answers
And you wish you never called
Just another heavy-hitter
Who was out to make a score
What’s that perfume that you’re wearin’?
Haven’t I met you before?

With a twenty in your pocket
And a toothbrush in your purse
Life could get a whole lot better
But it better not get worse
Like when he’s too drunk to make it
Just when you’re too drunk to care
Do you mind if I come join ya?
Love your dress and love your hair
They are friendly when they meet you
They are strangers when they go
May I taste your Vodka Collins?
May I offer you some blow?

As it’s gettin’ near to closing
And the seconds pass like years
Lots of friends to share the laughter
Not a one to share the tears
And you wish they’d change the jukebox
‘Cause the songs, they all sound the same
Would you let me buy you breakfast?
What’s your sign and what’s your name?
Do you dance? Are you a model?
Would you like to see a trick?
Did you read the latest novel?
Did you catch the latest flick?
Do you ski? Are you a jogger?
What’s the matter? Are you gay?
Can I drop you off at my place?
Wanna party? Wanna play?

Single bars and single women
With a single thought in mind
Just to make it till the morning
Looking for what they can find

[Crane to a high angle shot that takes us up to aceiling fan and looks down on the keyboardist, thesinger and the bartender. Applause. The bartenderlooks on sadly as the lonely woman sips her drink andthe keyboardist finishes the song.Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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  Season 7: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:







Guest Writer:


October 10th, 1981

Susan Saint James

The Kinks

None

Andy Warhol

Michael O’Donoghue

Emily Prager

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller
ExxicoSummary: “Yesterday’s Technology at Tomorrow’s Prices.”

Montage

Susan Saint James’ MonologueSummary: Susan Saint James invites the audience to decide whether her obligatory TV parody sketch will co-star MaCArthur (Tim Kazurinsky), MacBeth (Tony rosato), or McDonald (Joe Piscopo).

Recurring Characters: Ronald McDonald.

Transcript

McDonald And WifeSummary: In a spoof of “McMillan & Wife”, the husband-and-wife team of Ronald McDonald (Joe Piscopo) and Sally (Susan Saint James) solve an intricate crime mystery without leaving the comfort of their own bedroom.

Recurring Characters: Ronald McDonald.

Transcript

Buh-Weet SingsSummary: Buckwheat (Eddie Murphy) promotes his new album of popular hits with unintelligible lyrics.

Recurring Characters: Buckwheat.

Transcript

The Bizarro WorldSummary: Michael O’Donoghue provides a glimpse of the Bizarro World, which mirrors the Earth’s activities. This week: The behavior and decisions of the Bizarro President (Joe Piscopo) are equal to those of Earth President Ronald Reagan.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Jerry Falwell.

Transcript

Push Button To Explode BuildingSummary: A man (Tom Davis) accidentally demolishes a building when he hits the wrong button at the crosswalk.

Transcript

Here In a Lifeboat With You

She’s A PigSummary: Ellen (Mary Gross) is shocked to learn that sensible ex-lover Peter (Tim Kazurinsky) is now engaged to a skanky, hell-raising broad named Paulette Clooney (Robin Duke).

Recurring Characters: Paulette Clooney.

Transcript

Let’s See What’s Bothering BobSummary: A suburban dad (Brian McConnachie) is bothered by something he can’t quite put his finger on.

Transcript

The Kinks performs “Destroyer”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray narrates over footage of excessive floodwaters that cover the entire island of Senesia. Meteorologist Christine Ebersole gets lost in playful banter with Brian Doyle-Murray and Mary Gross, and fails to give her weather report. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo covers the baseball playoffs by tapping various player bobblehead dolls. Eddie Murphy reads a fan mail letter from President Ronald Reagan, which includes a sampling of racist jokes. Following the assassination of Anwar Sadat, Mary Gross suggests that future assassins make a target of themselves.

Single Bars and Single WomenTranscript

Honeymoon VirginSummary: Billy (Tonoy Rosato) is surprised to find that his new bride, Sharon (Susan Saint James), is a 31-year old virgin, and he’s worried that he won’t be able to perform incredible enough for her first time.

Transcript

Cheap LaffsTranscript

The Kinks performs “Art Lover”

Andy Warhol’s TVSummary: While having make-up applied to his face, Andy Warhol discusses the topic of men wearing make-up.

Alan Alda Sensitivity Training For MenSummary: Would-be macho man (Tony Rosato) learns how apply phony sensitivity so he can pick up broads the Alan Alda way.

SadatSummary: In a film by John Fox, a custodian in Cairo cleans up the mess from the Egyptian victory parade as well as remnants from theassassination of Anwar Sadat this past week.

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

Andy Warhol’s TV

…..Andy Warhol

(Fade in on a pair of legs walking around a house)

Andy Warhol: I, uh, I’m in a modeling career right now. I did two runway shows. I did one for GQ and I heard that you have to sleep with someone to get under the covers. I’m willing to do that.

(Various background voices are heard as Andy makes his way to a bathroom. He turns around to face the camera, but we only see his shadow)

Andy Warhol: What are we doing in here?

(Cut to Andy standing in front of the bathroom wall. As he munches on his apple, the red text “ANDY WARHOL ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” scrolls up the left side of the screen.)

Andy Warhol: In the first place, I never thought I’d ever be on “Saturday Night Live” because I hate the show. I never watched it. I didn’t think it was that great and if you’re home on a Saturday night, why ARE you home on a Saturday Night and I think all the comedians should be beautiful and not funny. Gee, I heard a great joke yesterday at Holston’s and it was so funny that I thought I’d tell it to you. Uh, where did Prince Charles go on his honeymoon and the answer is “Indiana”.

(The screen slowly fills with static as the credits and copyright date appear below; fade)

Submitted by: Kyleman88

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney…Joe Piscopo

[Open on the title “A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY”]

Announcer: And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”

[Dissovle to Rooney sitting at a desk covered in shoes]

Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about shoes. Ever notice shoes? Everybody wears them. Just look down. There’s so many different kinds. A lotta shoes sound like what they are. Oxfords, work shoes, loafers. I guess the good thing about loafers is you don’t have to tie them. Space shoes, boots! Ever notice there weren’t many Nazis named Steve? You know what’s annoying? When that little plastic thing on the end of your shoelaces falls off and gets frayed at the end, and you can’t get ’em through the holes, and you gotta do this [licks end of shoelace] to do this. [pushes shoelace through hole in shoe] Ever notice what a weird name Morley Safer is? Morley, is that the opposite of Leslie? And Mike Wallace. Boy, what a jackass! I mean, if you did something illegal, would you tell Mike Wallace about it? I wouldn’t. Ever notice how annoying my voice is? Of course, you can turn it off. I can’t. Ever notice it gets dark at night? Where does the sun go? Nobody knows. Ever notice how much rouge I have on my cheeks? Of course, some people think it makes me look like a clown.

[He continues over the applause as the “A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY” title fades back in]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

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  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

Rod’s One-Night Stand

Rod…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ruth…..Robin Duke

[FADE IN on a living room with a young couple on a foldout bed. The woman is sleeping peacefully on the right, while the man is sitting up shirtless on the left and setting an alarm clock.]

Rod: [softly] Nice pad you got here.

[He lights a cigarette as a distant car horn is heard.]

Rod: Gettin’ a bit nippy…

[He reaches over for his t-shirt and tugs it on over his head.]

Rod: Gettin’ a bit nippy. Yeah, it’s gettin’ a bit nippy! [slowly pulls t-shirt down] It’s gettin’ nippy in here.

[He drags on his cigarette and then reaches to put it in the sleeping woman’s mouth.]

Rod: Here.

Ruth: [waking up] What? I don’t smoke.

[He gazes down at her as she rolls back over.]

Rod: So how was it for you?

Ruth: I beg your pardon?

Rod: [nodding] I mean… it was pretty terrific for me! So was it good for you or what?

Ruth: [smiles politely] Sure, yeah.

Rod: Yeah, yeah, I thought it was fantastic! I suppose you could tell, huh?

Ruth: Yeah. Uh, good night, um…

Rod: Rod!

Ruth: Rod! Ah, I knew it was Rod. [smiles self-consciously] I did know that. I’m… [rolls back over]

Rod: Right. [looks around] Nice pad…

Ruth: [lifts head] Did I call you “Bob” in the middle of, um…

Rod: Making love?

Ruth: Yeah.

Rod: You can say it.

Ruth: Well, did I call you “Bob”?

Rod: Yes, you did.

Ruth: Oh, I’m sorry, Rod!

Rod: Hey, it’s okay.

Ruth: No it isn’t, I’m sorry!

Rod: Hey, no probs, it’s okay!

Ruth: No, I’m really sorry, Rod.

Rod: Hey, you probably only did it because I told you earlier in the evening my name was Chuck.

Ruth: What?

Rod: Well, I didn’t know if you were gonna be a creep or something.

Ruth: [chuckles] Thank you.

Rod: No, thank YOU! I mean, my pleasure! I, I had no idea you were gonna be so… so… I can’t even find the right word, so… fantastic.

Ruth: Thanks, Rod.

Rod: No, thank YOU. You knocked me out.

Ruth: [covers back up] Good night, Rod.

Rod: Yeah, you’re a knockout.

Ruth: [grins sweetly] Nighty-night, Rod.

Rod: “Nighty-night…” That’s so cute…

[Rod revels in the moment, and soon the phone rings.]

Rod: That’s your phone?

Ruth: [sitting up] Yes, it is Rod. You’re quick.

[She reaches over to the bureau for the phone.]

Ruth: Hello? [pause] Peggy, what’s the matter? [pause] Are you all right? [pause] What’s happened? Peggy, I can’t understand you. Stop crying! [pause] What? [dreadfully] Oh, my God, no. [pause] Oh, Peggy, no, please, dear God. What happened? Well, when? [pause] All right, well, what should we do? [pause] Okay, uh… I’ll call you right back, okay? [pause] I love you too, Peggy…

[She hangs up in a daze as Rod sits up behind her.]

Rod: [sarcastically] An old flame?

Ruth: Not now, Rod, please.

[She gets out of bed and walks over to turn on the light.]

Rod: Hey… hey, c’mon, I was only kiddin’. [follows her over] C’mon, I don’t care about your past! Why d’ya think they call it the past?

Ruth: Listen, you… whatever your name is… my father just died.

[She hurries across the room and opens up a dresser drawer.]

Rod: Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhhh. GEEZ! [follows her over] I’m sorry! Was he sick or somethin’?

Ruth: No.

Rod: Was it a car accident?

Ruth: No.

Rod: Was it a bus accident?

Ruth: Please, I’m trying to find a phone number, okay?

Rod: Was it a–

Ruth: He choked!

Rod: Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhh. GEEZ! I’m sorry!

[Ruth ignores him and leafs briskly through a slender phone book.]

Rod: Was it a–

Ruth: A chicken bone! Are you satisfied?

Rod: Ahhhh…

[She hustles back across the room.]

Ruth: Rod, go home.

Rod: No! No, you don’t understand, I wanna help!

Ruth: No.

Rod: [reaches down to put on his pants] I wanna help, ’cause… [steps into jeans] I wanna help because of what you did for me tonight–as a WOMAN!

Ruth: Rod, listen to me. [sits next to him] We are from different planets, Rod. You really don’t grasp anything I SAY! And right now, I have to make arrangements to have my father moved to a funeral home.

Rod: Where is he? I’ll pick him up!

[laughter]

Ruth: No, Rod.

Rod: No probs, I got a van! C’mon.

Ruth: Rod, he’s in Pittsburgh! That’s in Pennsylvania?

Rod: It’s late, but I can get gas on the turnpike! C’mon!

Ruth: Rod, there are people who do this professionally.

Rod: You see–I don’t know him. I don’t–that’s why this is so special to me! ‘Cause I never knew anybody who died before! [puts on his shoes] No, really, like… famous people. I got upset when that, that famous guy died. What’s his name? BIG guy. Ahhh… You want a drink?

Ruth: No, no thanks, I’ve gotta make these… calls… um… [struggles to pull herself together] I’ve got so many I’ve gotta…

[Rod finishes tying his shoes and jumps off the bed.]

Ruth: [breaks down] I… I can’t. It’s not fair! [sobs] I really loved him! I really did love him…

[She cries into her hand as Rod crawls across the bed to her.]

Ruth: [muffled] What am I gonna do?

Rod: I’m here.

[She turns around and nearly bumps faces with him.]

Ruth: Who ARE you?! [laughter] Don’t you have a HOME?!

Rod: Ruth, LISTEN ta me! After what happened tonight between us, I’m not gonna somethin’ like let that slip outta my fingers! And the sooner you get that through your pretty little head… [touches her hair]

Ruth: Rod… I have a got a gun.

[He suddenly slaps her across the face.]

Ruth: Oh! What…

Rod: [grabs her by the shoulders] You… you’re YOUNG! You got your whole life ahead o’ ya! [laughter] He’s DEAD! Don’t ya understand that?! He’s DEAD!!

[He hugs her tightly and puts her in a headlock. He nuzzles the back of her neck as she squirms to extricate herself.]

Rod: It’s okay… yes, yes…

Ruth: All right, Rod… Rod… Rod… [He slowly releases his grip.]

Ruth: Listen, you’re right.

Rod: You’re darned right I’m right.

Ruth: No, you are, you’re absolutely right, yes. Rod: Yeah! Now you’re talkin’.

[She leaps off the bed and opens the door.]

Ruth: I want you to go downstairs…

Rod: Yeah.

Ruth: Start your van, and I’ll throw some things into a suitcase, okay?

Rod: [jumping up] All right, all right. That’s the spirit. Attagirl!

[He jogs merrily out the door. Ruth quickly shuts it and covers her hand with her mouth.]

Ruth: Oooooh…

[She sits on the bed, struggles to regain her composure, and starts leafing through the phone book again.]

Ruth: Uh, phone… okay… I don’t have a number for a funeral parlor…

[The door is heard opening, and Rod bursts back in and almost knocks her over.]

Rod: [staring down at her] Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhh.

Ruth: [softly] What do you want…

Rod: GEEZ! This is gonna be terrific!

[He takes her in his arms and kisses her passionately for a long second. Rod whirls around and hustles out the door, which Ruth quickly closes, locks, and deadbolts behind him. She reaches toward a small dresser nearby and pulls it in front of the door. Audience applauds while Ruth sits back down on the bed and picks up the phone. ZOOM OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

“Prose and Cons”

Tyrone Greene … Eddie Murphy
… Terry McDonell
… Swifty Lazar
Bobby Glover … Joe Piscopo

[Film begins by panning over a series of hardbackbestsellers: Harold Robbins’ Goodbye Janette,Sidney Sheldon’s Rage of Angels, Judith Krantz’Princess Daisy and Judy Mazel’s The BeverlyHills Diet.]

Narrator: Robbins, Sheldon, Krantz, Mazel –all popular fiction writers.

[Montage of elite university buildings.]

Narrator: All of them sprang from theprestigious educational institutions that have beenthe backbone of American literature.

[Rolling Stone editor Terry McDonell drinks acup of coffee.]

Narrator: Where are tomorrow’s Hemingways andFaulkners coming from?

Terry McDonell: [finishes coffee, answersnarrator] Prisons.

[Montage of prison life set to the rhythm of a tin cupbeat against prison bars: a huge gate closes, views ofvarious prisoners in and out cells, etc. SUPER: PROSEAND CONS. Cut back to Terry McDonell. SUPER: TerryMcDonell / Mng. Editor, RollingStone]

Terry McDonell: I think that most of today’swriters are coming from the straining, compactedbowels of that beast we call the American penalsystem.

[Montage of prisoners: playing ball in a rec room,leaning on prison bars, exhaling cigarette smoke,working at a typewriter.]

Terry McDonell V/O: These men have lived.They’ve suffered. They’ve maimed, they’ve killed.They’ve written some stunning books.

Prisoner at Typewriter: [pleased with his work]Yeah!

[Balding celebrity super agent Irving “Swifty” Lazaraddresses the camera. SUPER: Swifty Lazar / LiteraryAgent]

Swifty Lazar: Without a doubt, anything by aprisoner is an automatic bestseller. I tell aspiringwriters, if you commit a crime, we’ll talk.

[Handel’s Alla Hornpipe from his “Water Music” suite– an aristocratic piece of classical music –accompanies a montage of prisoners: in cells and recrooms, doing push-ups, reading a book, pecking away ata typewriter, engaged in animated conversation whilereading a comic book, writing on paper with pen in onehand and cigarette in another, etc. Music ends. Abuzzer sounds. A gate opens. The warden enters andwalks through a cell block, smoking a cigar.]

Narrator: Rockland Prison. Warden CarlHoddegar.

[SUPER: Carl Hoddegar / Warden, RocklandPrison]

Warden V/O: Ah, you can talk Leavenworth, youcan talk Attica. You can even talk Folsom. But none ofthem — none of them — has the sterling literarytradition we have here at Rockland.

[Warden walks past cells with prisoners busy typing.We linger on Cell #4 where a tough-looking mustachioedinmate wearing a red bandana sits at histypewriter.]

Narrator: Bobby Glover is serving up to twentyyears for cutting up his fiancee with a linoleumknife.

Bobby Glover: [rises, addresses the camera withworking class accent] I’m into haiku. The narrowrestrictions of the form have led me to an imagisticfreedom heretofore–

[Shouting from off screen drowns out Bobby. Camerapans jerkily down the cell block to discover twoguards dragging a protesting prisoner away.]

Narrator: Our cameras are there when oneprisoner is caught in an act of plagiarism.

[An angry inmate reaches out of his cell to hit theplagiarist in the head with a book as he is draggedby.]

Angry Inmate: [to plagiarist] Why don’t you seewhat you can steal out o’ that?

[Visiting hours: watched by guards, various prisonerstalk to their well-dressed agents throughglass.]

Narrator: Here, the prisoners keep in touchwith the outside world.

Prisoner 1: No way I’m gonna accept less thaneighteen percent of the–

Prisoner 2: People who watch “Merv Griffin”don’t buy books! Any agent in the business knows that!Get me Donahue–

[Montage of gates and cell doors closing which ends ona door marked MAXIMUM SECURITY.]

Narrator: Each year, Rockland sponsors a poetryfestival.

[Camera trucks up and forward to reveal the occupantof the maximum security cell: Tyrone Green, psychoticyoung African-American male.]

Narrator: Tyrone Greene is this year’swinner.

Tyrone Greene: [angrily intense, directly intocamera]
Images by Tyrone Greene …
Dark and lonely on the summer night.
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord.
Watchdog barking – Do he bite?
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord.
Slip in his window,
Break his neck!
Then his house
I start to wreck!
Got no reason —
What the heck!
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord.
C-I-L-L …
My land – lord …
Def!

[Handel’s Hornpipe plays again as prisoners are cuffedand led away.]

Narrator: Dostoyevsky said, “The degree ofcivilization in a society can be judged by enteringits prisons.” As someone else said, “If Shakespearewere alive today, he’d be doing time.”

[Credits roll over images of prison bars:

A NORMAN MAILER FILM

Produced by / Norman Mailer

Directed by / Norman Mailer

Written by / Norman Mailer

Research Assistant / Jack Henry Abbott

Credits by / NORMAN MAILER]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Mary Gross

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Mary Gross
Tom Snyder…..Joe Piscopo
Raheem Abdul Mohammed…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: And now: “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchorpersons Mary Gross and Brian Doyle-Murray.

[ the animated graphics are zapped, causing the letters in “BREAK” to explode and fall onto Brian Doyle-Murray, who rolls his eyes at this unnecessary gag before tossing the letters off the desk ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: I’m anchorperson Brian Doyle-Murray.

Mary Gross: And I’m anchorperson Mary Gross.

Brian Doyle-Murray: We’re CO-anchorpersons.

Mary Gross: That’s right. We don’t even know what sex we are.

Brian Doyle-Murray: But until we do, I’ll take the top story.

Mary Gross: Alright, Brian.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Our top story tonight: President Reagan’s economic and social policy went into effect on Thursday. And, just as he said, the American economy has been saved in only three days. The budget has been balanced, the $1 trillion national deficit has been wiped out, interest and lending rates are down, employment is up, everyone owns a home, and Social Security benefits have been tripled. Starting tomorrow, it will cost $60,000 just to mail a letter, and a phone call will cost $200,000 for the first three minutes.

This week, the White House reealed that President Reagan has a long lost son from a previously undisclosed marriage. Reagan the son, Timmy, are shown here being reunited after a separation of over 85 years. The president said he was thrilled, and Timmy said he’s proud of his dad but he didn’t vote for him.

Mary Gross: The Pentagon, today, allocated $46 million to research and develop an ultimate defense weapon, which it refers to as a “Time Travel Bomb.” In the worlds of a ten-year old spokesperson for the bomb: “Like, if they ever bomb us first, tghis bomb will travel back in time and bomb them before they could bomb us! And then we would never be bombed at all!”

Brian?

Brian Doyle-Murray: After his first day of Senate confirmation hearings, Dr. C. Everett Coop, the pro-life, anti-abortion pediatrician nominated by President Reagan to be our nation’s new Surgeon General, announced that he will take office whether or not he is confirmed by the Senate. Said Coop: ” I have long believed that a political term of office begins at the moment of nomination, NOT at confirmation.”

Mary?

Mary Gross: The attempt on his life last Spring sent Pope John Paul II to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for 77 days. Now fully recovered, he has received the bill: $36,000. Shown here filling out the Vatican hospital insurance form, John Paul said, “Thank God I was covered by Blue Crucifix!”

Well, PLO leader Yassar Arafat and actress Vanessa Redgrave were finally married this week. It was a simple terrorist ceremony in Beirut, Lebanon. They said they will both continue to work, but want to have lots and lots of children.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Due to low ratings, the “Tomorrow Show” was dropped this week by NBC affiliates in Boston, Philadelphia, and Minneapolis. NBC executives were quick to point out that “Tomorrow Show” host, Tom Snyder, in a five-year study, shows that minorities make up the largest late-night TV audience in America. Here’s a preview of Monday night’s “Tomorrow Show”:

[ cut to clip of mustachioed Tom Snyder rambling on in a Spanish dialect, joking with his off-camera producers about Rona Barrett and her breasts ]

[ SUPER: “courtesy of NBC’S MANANA SHOW” ]

[ return to the nes desk ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, all we can say is: Bueno suerte, Tomas! Mary?

Mary Gross: The administration has reversed itself on classifying ketchup as a vegetable, admitting it made a mistake. However, in related legislation: Beginning January 1st, 1982, the artichoke will be listed as a semi-precious metal, the banana as a unit for measuring time, and those indivisdual packets of Thousand Island dressing will replace the Susan B. Anthony dollar in many areas.

Irritated by what he’s seeing in the movies these days, here is “Weekend Update”‘s film critic… Raheem Abdul Mohammed. Raheem?

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Um — how come they ain’t no BLACK people in the movies?! No brothers! I went to see “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, they had two brothers in it. I went to see “Arthur”, it had ONE brother in it! I see “Superman”, it had one half a brother in it. Now, we gto soem fine black actors making some fine contributions to the motion picture industry. Take… Fred Williamson! Jim Brown! Richard Roundtree! Bernie Casey! Melvin van Peebles! Everybody’s been contributing, making great movies, too! Like “Super Fly”! “Super Fly T.N.T.”! “Shaft”! “Shaft’s Big Score”! “Shaft in Africa”! “Slaughter”! “Slaughter’s Big Rip-off”! “Foxy Brown”! “Sheba, Baby”! “Coffy”! These are good movies!! “Blacula”! “Abby”! “J.D.’s Revenge”! And, mind you, not ONE of those movies was ever nominated for an Academy Award!

Man, now get this — in 1975, for Best Picture: “The Sting” beat out “Slaughter’s Big Rip-Off”! I was sitting home, man, I was SHOCKED! I almost fell off my chair! And James Earl Jones is a fine actor! I know, last year, I happened to find out that the man did read for the part in “Hardly Working”, and they gave it to Jerry Lewis just because he a white man! Now, I happen to KNOW that James Earl Jones could have played that part! Now, do you think Jerry Lewis could have starred in the movie “Claudine”? Picture this: Claudine live in Harlem, she got twelve kids, she married to Jerry Lewis, he come home talking about: [ in a screechy Jerry Lewis voice ] “Claudine! Claudine! Claudine, baby!”

I feel, PERSONALLY, that some of these people that y’all using — these white people — BLACK people could have played! Take Isaac Hayes, who PROVED he could act in “Truck Turner”! [ he tries not to laugh ] He would’ve been MARVELOUS in “Kramer vs. Kramer”! And, speaking of versatility — Mr. Versility himself, Jimmy “J.J.” Walker! Whoosh, what a gifted man! He would have been SCINTILLATING in “The Elephant Man”! Picture this! I can see it now! He would have been walking around, saying: [ he blows like an elephant ] “DY-NO-MITE!!”

Man, I tell you — the last five years, I seen TWO movies with black people in it: “Stir Crazy” and “Penitentiary”. Any time you get a group of niggers around, you gotta have some BARS around them, huh? Why don’t y’all make a movie with a couple of pretty niggers, running in the field in slow-motion and clapping? I can see it now: “Tess”, starring Shirley Hemphill! That’d be FINE entertainment! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed!

Mary Gross: Thank you, Raheem.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Mary Gross!

Brian Doyle-Muuray: And, finally, this sad note: Last night, at Beefsteak Charlie’s, an entire family fell into the bottomless salad bowl and vanished. Rescue teams were invited to make as many attempts to save them as they wished.

That’s the news. Good night. Good luck.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

The Little Richard Simmons Show

Little Richard Simmons…..Eddie Murphy

[ Little Richard Simmons runs on stage crowded with fat women in leotards ]

Little Richard Simmons: Thank you, thank you! How are you today? [ audience answers “Good!” ] That’s good that we feel good! I feel great! [ looks towards the cameramen ] Oh, my.. David, can we get a shot of this over here? [ camera shows excessively overweight cameraman with belly hanging over his belt ] David! This is disgusting! [ walks up to the cameraman ] Oh! Oh, you girls have let yourself go! It’s time you shape up or ship out! We’re gonna do some exercise! Everyone ready? [ audience responds cheerfully ] Come on, everybody, let’s do it! [ coaxes the audiecne to rise and join him for some exercise ] Everyone, stand up, come on! Stand up, before I smack someone! Here we go! [ demonstrates exercise on apron of stage ] It’s very easy – like this! And 1, and 2, and 3, and 4.. are you ready? Are you ready?! [ music starts ] Do you know what day it is? [ turns around ] Girls, do you know what day it is?

Girls: Your protein day!

Little Richard Simmons: That’s right! I’ve been getting my protein. Have you, girls? Anyway, let’s go.. and 1, and 2, and 3.. are you ready? Let me hear it! [ audience responds “Yeah!” ]

[ singing ]

“Ready, set, go fat go!
I know a girl who’s butt hangs low
She’s flabby
Yeah, she’s flabby
Ooh, she’s flabby!
Fatty, fatty, fatty
If she stepped on your foot,
she’d mash your toe!”

[ music changes – “Good Golly, Miss Molly” ]

“Good golly, Miss Molly!
Looks like a hog.
Good golly, Miss Molly!
Looks like a hog.
Oooohhh!
Well, you better start a-running
because it’s much too late to jog
From the early, early morning
to the early, early night
You’re just a fat disgusting blob of cellulite.Good golly, Miss Molly!
Looks like a hog.
Oooohhh!
Well, you better start a-running
because it’s much too late to jog.”

Come on, everybody, go!
[ sax player enters ]

“Tutti frutti, ah roody
Tutti frutti, ah roody
Tutti frutti, ah roody
Tutti frutti, ah roody
Tutti frutti, ah roody
Wop bom a loo mop, a mop bam boom!
Know a girl named Daisy
the girl is fat and lazy
Know a girl named Daisy
the girl is fat and lazy
Blubber to the east
Blubber to the west
The bitch got long and flabby breasts.
Tutti frutti, ah roody
Tutti frutti, ah roody
Tutti frutti, ah roody
Wop bom a loo mop, a mop bam boom!”

SNL Transcripts

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