Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: December 6th, 1980 Ellen Burstyn Aretha Franklin Keith Sykes None Mitchell Kriegman A Message From David RockefellerSummary: David Rockefeller (Charles Rocket) announces that the United States is going co-op and poor people will be emigrated back to poor countries. Transcript
Montage
Ellen Burstyn’s MonologueSummary: Ellen Burstyn lists her movie roles and admits it’s time she lightened up. Transcript
Ed McMahon School of LaughingSummary: Spokesperson (Joe Piscopo) explains how you can become a studio audience member and get paid for laughing like the very best.
What’s It All AboutSummary: Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) interview Ellen Burstyn. Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman.
The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket uncovers a sex expose on a ferry leaving New York.
Video DateSummary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) records a dating video. Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.
Aretha Franklin performs “United Together”
Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Joe Piscopo comments on the Roberto Duran vs. Sugar Ray Leonard fight. Raheem Abdul Muhammed (Eddie Murphy) gives his stance on the quota for white basketball players issue. Dr. Calvin Zuko (Gilbert Gottfried) comments on the myth of the female orgasm. Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.
Our Front DoorSummary: A suburban family examines a junkie’s (Charles Rocket) lifestyle.
“Pepe Gonzales”Summary: In a film by Leon Ichaso, the life of Pepe Gonzalez (Gilbert Gottfried), the only bullfighter in New York, is examined.
Planned ParenthoodSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) visit Planned Parenthood. Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.
Aretha Franklin performs “Can’t Turn You Loose”
Sam The SnakeSummary: Mary Louise (Denny Dillon) terrorizes her tutor (Ellen Burstyn) with a sock puppet.
The Toni Tennille ShowSummary: Toni Tennille (Ann Risley) interviews murderess Jean Harris (Denny Dillon).
“Fish Heads”Summary: In a music video by Bill Paxton, many uses are found for discarded fish heads. Note: One of the most popular songs to ever hit the radio airwaves via the syndicated Dr. Demento program.
Blame The KidsSummary: Mom (Ann Risley) and Dad (Charles Rocket) blame their divorce on their two kids (Mitchell Kriegman, Gail Matthius).
Keith Sykes performs “B.I.G.T.I.M.E.”
The Old LadySummary: A school girl (Gail Matthius) uncovers the secret of the scary old lady (Ellen Burstyn) who lives in the neighborhood. Transcript
…..Charles Rocket John Lennon…..Malcolm McDowell Yoko Ono…..Denny Dillon …..Joe Piscopo Dr. Murray Abromowitz…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on Charles Rocket seated behind the Weekend Update set, nonchalantly scribbling notes on his news sheets ]
Announcer: And now it’s time for Weekend Update, with anchorman Charles Rocket.
Charles Rocket: Good evening. I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news:
[ show hotel balcony with knotted towels hanging off the side ] In Las Vegas, where none of the hotels and casinos conform to present city fire codes, where ladders only reach the ninth floor, many of the taler hotels, in an effort to reassure their guests, have incorporated the special linen fire escape devices, pictured here.
[ show Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter standing next to Ronald and Nancy Reagan ] The incoming and outgoing first Families met briefly this Thursday at the White House. On a tour of the living quarters, Mrs. Reagan discovered a mink-lined toilet seat left over from the Jackie Kennedy years. Nancy prouldy wore the historical artifact for photographers.
Incidentally, the former presidential rivals made peace today, when Reagan announced he would follow an old Republican tradition: to make his first act in office, pardoning Jimmy Carter.
Well, it looks as if that conservative election landslide signaled a little bit of a turn to the right in all our lives. Six Klansmen were aquitted of murder this week, ten gays were machine-gunned in the streets of New York, and, when a Michigan high school girl wore this slit skirt in a Homecoming parade, eggs were thrown at her house and funeral leaves were scattered on her parents’ lawn. Looks like a nationwide turn to traditional American values and morality. [ audience groans ] If you ask me.
The General Assembly of the United Nations voted this week for an immediate withdrawal of Soviet forces from Afghanistan. Oleg Troyanovsky, Russian ambassador to the UN, explained that the Soviet are anxious to depart, and they plan to do so as oson as they can find and thank the person who invited them there.
The Iranian government is still trying to retrieve that pair of diamond pendant earrings valued, uh — weighing, actually, 131 karats. The earrings were auctioned by sotheby’s last week for over $6.6 million. Well, Iran claims the earrings belong to the Shah’s widow, Farah Diva. As we know, the new Islamic government wants all property owned by the Shah returned to Iran — [ show image of the Ayatollah wearing the earrings ] Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini especially requested that the jewels be returned by Christmas. [ blows a kiss ]
Well, all of America was SHOCKED last night by the discovery that “Dallas” millionaire, J.R. Ewing, had been shot by Mary Crosby, daughter of the late crooner, Bing Crosby. When reached for comment, Bing’s longtime pal, Bob Hope, said, “I’m grateful Bing didn’t live to see it. He only shot an occasional birdie.” [ light groans from audience ] “He only shot an occasional birdie.”
Academy Award winner Michael Cimino’s new picture, “Heaven’s Gate”, opened in New York this week, but the reception was less than heavenly. In fact, United Artists is recalling the film, which cost $45 million and runs three-and-a-half hours. But United Artists hopes to salvage the project – Cimino has been ordered to re-cut the picture into a two-week long television miniseries called “Those Amazing Horsies.”
In Peking this week, the trial of the famous Gang of Four began. The central figure in that trial is Jiang Qing, widow of the Mao Tse-Tung. Nancy Reagan, noting that Madame Mao, like herself, is a former movie star — [ stops, corrects himself ] uh, former movie actress accused of manipulating thousands of party officials while her aging husband was in power. Said Nancy, “Boy, I’m glad I live in America!” [ inaudible gasps from audience ]
Charles Rocket: Well, as you may know, last Saturday, Yours Truly, Charles Rocket, came very close – about this close – [ touches his index finger to his thumb ] – to getting an interview with John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Well, this week, Weekend Update was contacted by the Lennons, who insisted to an exclusive interview tonight. So, let me welcome the couple that kept it a low profile for the last six years, with a big hearty HELLO to Mr. and Mrs. John Lennon! [ turns to greet them on the monitor ] Hi!
John & Yoko: [ drinking from mugs ] Hello, John.
Charles Rocket: Say, what’s that you’re drinking, John?
John Lennon: It’s a natural cocoa, made with just a touch of cinnamon.
Yoko Ono: [ excited ] It’s very good! [ picks up pieces of silverware and begins to weigh it on a scale ]
John Lennon: Yoko is just loco about my cocoa. [ polishes a spoon with a linen napkin ]
Charles Rocket: John, why don’t you tell us where you are, and what you’re doing.
John Lennon: Yeah, I’ll be glad to, Charles. All I will tell you is that we’re in the kitchen of one of our many apartments or houses somewhere. And I’m here cleaning the silverware, and Yoko is weighing it.
Yoko Ono: I, uh – I have great faith in silver as a commodity!
John Lennon: And I like to see me face in it. [ glances at his reflection in a spoon ] I also like to see me face in a wine glass or a dinner plate. Once, Yoko’s mother came for a visit, and all the glasses have, uh, you know, spots on them. I wanted to disappear into the carpet.
Charles Rocket: Well, John, that’s, uh, what we hear, that you’ve become quite a house-husband.
John Lennon: Yes, it’s true. Besides doting on our child, I’ve been mostly cleaning and, of course, going to my Tibetan cooking class on a Wednesday evening.
Charles Rocket: And, Yoko, we hear that you handle the financial affairs.
Yoko Ono: Yes! But I like to work at home, and on the phone, and with computers!
Charles Rocket: Well, John, tell us about the new album, would you, please?
John Lennon: Well, uh — [ looks at Yoko ] It’s mainly love songs and a few oven-cleaning tips. We think the album kind of shows that we are no different from you or me. [ turns to Yoko ] Don’t you think so, Mother?
[ Yoko makes a sudden screeching sound ]
Charles Rocket: Was that from the album?
John Lennon: No, Charlie, from her heart. And I love it!
Charles Rocket: Well, John, Yoko, thanks for letting us briefly share your life together. And, is there anything else you’d like to say?
John Lennon: Oh, uh, it’s just that Yoko hopes to buy Pennsylvania. and I’d like to thank a fabric softener that shows my family I really care – because I do. Really.
[ Yoko glances offscreen and begins screeching ]
John Lennon: [ glances offscreen with Yoko, horrified ] Oh, no! Me cake! [ runs offscreen ,as smoke pours into frame ] Oh, dear! Oh, Yoko! [ returns to frame with a burnt cake in his hands ] Me cake is ruined! It’s all ruined! [ looks at Charles ] It’s his fault! It’s his fault, there! I didn’t want to do this interview in the first place! I mean, THAT’S it! No more interviews! Go on! Get out of here! [ whining ] Oh, Yoko! Me cake, Yoko..
Charles Rocket: [ turns away ] Well, thanks a lot, John and Yoko Lennon. Hey, what a couple, huh! Don’t you just love ’em! Fantastic.
In more news: Customs agents in Miami seized a Caribbean freighter Wednesday, and arrested the crew and impounded the cargo. When no trace of marijuana was discovered among the automatic weapons and ammunitions onboard, crew, cargo and freighter were released early today.
This week, our Supreme Court judges began calling themselves “Justice”, instead of the more formal “Mr. Justice.” Regarding the new informality, Justice Wizzer White said he thought the change was “kinda jazzy.” And Justice “Potty” Stewart commented, “That may be slick for the Whizzer, but, for me, it’s Nowheresville.” And Warren “The Big Cheese” Burger, added, “Boop boop de boop!”
In an attempt to boost sagging K car sales, the Chrysler Corporatino began issuing rebates today. But President Lee Iacocca isn’t worried — “We’re already working on the L car,” he said. “And there are ourteen more letters where that one came from!”
[ show image of man wearing grotesque mask ] Well, today the Navy discovered the first stowaway on the nuclear submarine, Nautilus. He was found huddled near the reactor, and, when questioned, he remarked, “I didn’t think anyone would bother me down there!”
Well, this one just in: because the word “napalm” evokes images of burned and screaming children, its name has been officially changed to “Incinder-gel.” Other changes announced include the following: the word “war” becomes “game”; “soldier” will be replaced by “mailman”; and the word “gun” becomes “pencil.”
Charles Rocket: Well, there’s a big fight in New Orleans Tuesday, and, here to tell us about it is our own Joe Piscopo! Joe!
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo. Live. Saturday Night Sports. The big story: Tuesday. Superdome. New Orleans. Louisiana. Roberto Duran. Sugar Ray Leonard. Welterweight championship. Rumor has it that Roberto Duran is just not ready for this fight, that he has lost that gut feeling to beat Sugar Ray. Well, I spoke to Duran this week, and the feisty Panamanian told me: [ speaks nonsensical Spanish ] So, if you ask me, the man.. is.. ready.
In the mantime, Sugar Ray Leonard says he’ll fight his own kind of fight this time, not Duran’s fight on Tuesday night. What’s my prediction? I think the fight is going to look like this: [ places Rock-’em Sock-’em Robots on the newsdesk ] First, in the early rounds, both fighters will come out furiously throwing punches! Until the later rounds, when Leonard will go over to Duran, and he will — [ uses one robot to punch the other robot’s head into the air ] knock his block off!! Joe Piscopo! Saturday Night Sports! Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. [ to camera ] You know, we on Weekend Update never recognize our responsibility to air opposing viewpoints on our show. But, here with a response to our FIRST show, is Dr. Murray Abromowitz! Doctor.
Dr. Murray Abromowitz: You bet. [ waves hiss arms frantically the entire time ] Just last week, I was watching “Sturday Night Live” – you remember that show. It was on last — I missed the anson Williams special, you see! So I’m watching this show – they do this sketch about the President, his sexual problem – what, he’s not able to achieve, uh — you know, uh, in bed! So – so what? They have to pick on him because of that! What, you think when Reagan’s President, he’ll be able to?! Yuo think if you were President that you’d be able to?! And then, if it wasn’t that, then they were doing homosexual jokes! What? “This homosexual”, “That homosexual.” Where’s the joke in that? That’s not funny! What, where is this, “Live from Fire Island?” And then, if it wasn’t homosexuals, they were doing “Jewish this,” and “Jewish that.” I counted four Jewish jokes, and only two of them were funny! Who writes this show – Hitler? And Cancer – what a big laugh-getter! Let’s face it – the people responsible for this show aren’t that well! They need analyis. They ALL need it – the writers need it, the producer — [ points at screen ] the cameraman! You need it! Get — come OUT from there! Come – come out from — come — you can face me like a person! He won’t face me like a person! He sits behind there – what’s he doing!
I’m Murray Abromowitz. That’s my opinion! You don’t want it, don’t take it!
Charles Rocket: Well, thank you, Dr. Abromowitz.
Dr. Murray Abromowitz: Thank you, Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Until ournext session, this is Charles Rocket saying, “Good night.. and watch out.”
[ camera pulls back, as Rocket signs off on his news copy ]
Lord Jack…..Charles Rocket Earl…..Malcolm McDowell Bingo…..Ann Risley Moondoggy…..Gail Matthius Serf….Neil Levy
[ open on stock photo exterior of Englush castle ]
[ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ]
[ dissolve to interior, as Lord Jack and Earl enter, laughing ]
Lord Jack: I’m telling you, Earl, you’re just going to LOVE this new sport — it’s more fun than trial-by-fire!
Earl: I hope you’re right, Jack! I’m so tired of all that screaming! And the smell! [ he laughs maniacally ]
Lord Jack: Well, this is different. You’re really going to go for this, or my name isn’t Jack Lord!
Earl: But it isn’t — it’s Lord Jack.
Lord Jack: That’s right! Whatever was I thinking? Well, anyway, it’s ever so easy! [ he looks down the hall ] Send in the serfs! Come on! [ two feudal serfs enter ] Well, first — you place your serf down on the ground on his stomach. [ the serfs lay on the ground ] Now you stand on his back… and try to keep your balance while sexy wenches tickle us with large feathers!
Earl: [ laughing ] Ooh, it sounds like it could be fun! [ he stands on a serf ] But where are the sexy wenches?
Lord Jack: Oh, how can I possibly forget? [ he calls off-screen ] Bingo! Mondoggy!
[ two sexy wenches run in, giggling ]
Earl: Bingo? Moondoggy? Hmm… not bad! I think I’m going to like this!
Lord Jack: Okay, get on! Because here we go!
[ they stand on the grumbling serfs’ backs as the wenches tickle them with feathers ]
Lord Jack: Oh, what complainers! Okay, try to stay on.
Earl: This is more fun than a flogging! Oh, I love it! What’s it called, again?
Lord Jack: Serfing!
Earl: What a PERFECT name!
[ one of the serfs climbs to his feet and walks away ]
Lord Jack: Uh-oh — serf’s up!
Earl: What does that mean?
Lord Jack: It means that serf’s time is up! Time to get a different serf!
Earl: Oh.
Lord Jack: [ calling off-screen ] NEXT!! Come on, come on!
[ another serf enters and takes his place on the ground ]
Lord Jack: Sheesh! It’s SO hard to find good serfs these days! You know, I’ve complained to His Majesty a MILLION times with no results!
Earl: Whoo! It’s feudal! By the way — whoo! — What do you do if you run out of serfs?
Lord Jack: Ohhh, I take precautions. I usually hang ten, so I have plenty on reserve.
Earl: Brilliant! [ he steps off his serf ] I say, Lord Jack?
Lord Jack: Yes?
Earl: Do you know what I think would be a great idea?
Lord Jack: No. What?
Earl: We take these serfs out on that large body of water… and ride those big waves that roll into the shore.
[ the serfs moan with dismay ]
Lord Jack: No, it would never work.
Earl: Hmm… you’re probably right. Well, let it rip! Serfer, wenches!
Lord Jack: Come on, here we go!
[ they proceed to continue serfing ]
[ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ]
[ pull out on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: New Wave Nun Breaks Old Habit” ]
[ dissolve to Charles Rocket standing on 5th Avenue ]
Charles Rocket: As you notice, we’re on, probably, one of the pedesterially more busy —
[ cameraman waves his hand at Charles, so he changes position on the avenue ]
Charles Rocket: Well, as you can clearly see, we’re on the – probably one of the most busy streets — let me try that again.
[ starts over yet again ]
Charles Rocket: Well, it seems pretty apparent, as we now look down this street. This is probably, pedestrially-speaking, one of the busiest streets in New York. This is 5th Avenue. Hi, Charles Rocket, on Fifth Avenue! We’re gonna meet some people that are total strangers. Let’s find out what they’re like. Will they be rude? Will they be warm? Will they be friendly? Will they be happy to see us? Well, we’re gonna find out in just a minute or two, as we actually go ahead and meet some total strangers. [ approaches a man ] This man, for example. Where do you work, sir?
Bill: I work in Long Island.
Charles Rocket: And you’re an accountant?
Bill: No, I’m an insurance broker.
Charles Rocket: Insurance broker. Hi. Charlie Rocket. What’s your name?
Bill: Bill Noland. Nice to meet you. [ shakes Charles’ hand ]
Charles Rocket: Bill? Nice meeting you!
[ cut to Charles continuing down the aveneue ]
Charles Rocket: Well, there goes – just goes to show you that — [ spots a foreign woman walking with her arm in a sling ] Ohh, what happened to your arm?
Elderly Woman: I broke my arm.
Friend: She slipped on a potato.
Charles Rocket: Slipped on a potato?
Friend: That’s right. In the shopping center. People are throwing GARBAGE all over New York!
Charles Rocket: Ohhh, gee.. well – I hope it gets better, huh? [ continues walking down the avenue ] All right! Well, we continue down 5th Avenue now, we’re gonna meet, yes, some more people. [ spots a woman running down the avenue ] Oh! She’s in a hurry, but could we talk to her just for a second? [ the woman continues running, then slows down after she passes Charles and the camera crew, who have now moved on themselves ] A lot of people are busy here on 5th Avenue, as we — [ sirens sound ] No. Let this car go by.
[ a car rolls by as Charles crosses the street to find two women pushing two children side-by-side in strollers ]
Charles Rocket: Look – they must be twins. Are they twins?
Mother: [ hurrying past ] Yes.
Charles Rocket: They are twins. Do you mind — [ she continues on without another word ] Beautiful children, too. Out for a walk?
Mother: Yes.
Charles Rocket: Great! Just out for a nice walk with the twins!
[ cut to Charles approaching a Cuban couple on the street ]
Charles Rocket: Tourists, are you?
Cuban Man: [ speaks in Cuban, then translates ] It means, “How do you do?”
Charles Rocket: Okay, well, sounds like you’ve had a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh? [ chuckles, as the couple continue on, muttering under their breaths ] Oh, not ’til you go home! Well, enjoy yourselves. Just come of the excitement, here on 5th Avenue.
[ cut to Charles further down the avenue, as an elderly woman wearing what appears to be a sailor’s cap approaches him ]
Charles Rocket: An interesting person right here — hello, ma’am? Can we talk to you, just for a second?
[ she shakes her head numerous times and rushes past Charles ]
Charles Rocket: Nope, doesn’t walk to talk to us. Well, not everyone is friendly.
[ Charles continues down the avenue, curious about a black man, wearing an odd white hat, who’s fast approaching ]
Charles Rocket: Looks like he’s from another country. [ stops the black man ] Are you from another country?
Black Man: No. I’m a – I’m – American. [smiles ]
Charles Rocket: I’m sorry?
Black Man: I’m a – I’m an American.
Charles Rocket: An American! Alright, well, from the hat – let’s take a look at the hat– [ turns the black man’s head to the side – aha! It’s a baseball cap turned backwards! ] Oh, I see! Fooled us! Thought you were from India with that hat and everything! It’s actually just a baseball cap turned around. [ black man smiles, continues on ] That’s what happens, right on 5th Avenue. Okay!
[ cut to Charles continuing down the street, as an Elderly Man, who appears to be a business executive, approaches ]
Charles Rocket: You’re on drugs right now, aren’t you? [ the man looks curiously at Charles Rocket ] You’re on drugs right now. You look like a drug taker, I mean, a typical — [ the man shakes his head ] You don’t take drugs?
Elderly Man: No.
Charles Rocket: Ever have?
Elderly Man: No. [ amused ]
Charles Rocket: Well, gee.. what gives you that look? That sort of “drug taker’s” look?
Elderly Man: Well, because I’m very happy.
Charles Rocket: That must be it! Glad we could meet you. Charles Rocket. Your name?
Bill: Bill Gunschner.
Charles Rocket: Bill? Nice meeting you. Okay, Bill. [ Bill continues on ]
[ Charles continues down the avenue, and approaches a Spanish couple ]
Charles Rocket: Yet one more person. You look like you’re related to Desi Arnaz – are you?
Spanish Man: [ as he quickly moves along ] No.
Charles Rocket: He says he’s not. Well! just goes to show you – if you’re willing to take just a few minutes, as I have, here on 5th Avenue in New York City, you’ll get to learn an awful lot about life, an awful lot about people, and, of course, more importantly, an awful lot about drugs! I’m Charles Rocket. In New York. We’ll see you again, some other time.
Mutually Omaha’s Wild Kingdom Written by: Barry W. Blaustein & David Sheffield
Marlin Perkins…..Charles Rocket Jim Fowler……Joe Piscopo
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: Welcome to “Mutually Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.” With your host, Marlin Perkins.
[ dissolve to Marlin Perkins standing next to a globe ]
Marlin Perkins: Good evening, everyone, and welcome! In the past, our program has taken you around the globe in pursuit of nature’s most interesting and exotic creatures. Tonight, we’re on a special mission: due to shifts in the prevailing political climate, minorities are now fleeing the familiar liberal lake wastelands to seek the fertile promised land of the GOP. Our purpose is to keep track of these fascinating migratory patterns. [ zoom in on globe ] Join us tonight, as we go: [ spins the globe, as title appears ] “In Search of the Negro Republican.”
[ dissolve to cocktail party scene, Caucasians and Negroes migrating alike ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: Although not as numerous here in Harlem, as in the South Bronx, Negroes a-plenty can be found in parts of Manhatten’s fashionable East Side.
[ Jim Fowler appears from a corner of the room, disguised as a waiter]
Marlin Perkins V/O: To avoid detection, my assistant, Jim Fowler, has disguised himself as a waiter. [ Jim approaches a male Negro dressed in a suit ] It looks like Jim may have found one already! That could be our Negro Republican now! [ Jim makes small talk, the Negro shows him a card and Jim continues on ] However, looks can be deceiving, and, as it turned out, this Negro wasn’t a Republican, but just the owner of a funeral home!
[ Jim mingles further among the party’s Negro guests, finally stopping near a second male Negro ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: He might be just what we’re looking for! He’s a Negro, alright, and, hopefully, a Negro Republican! Let’s watch Jim as he finds out!
[ close in on Jim and the male Negro ]
Jim Fowler: Would you care for a drink, Sir?
Negro Republican: [ looks over, speaks with a stuffy tone ] Martini! Uh, very dry. [ takes one of the martinis offered by Jim ]
Jim Fowler: Sayyyyy.. how about those Steelers last sunday, huh?
Negro Republican: Actually, I don’t care much for football. Uh, my wife and I, uh, went to a concert.
Jim Fowler: [ coughs ] The, uh.. Isley Brothers?
Negro Republican: No. The Carpenters.
Marlin Perkins V/O: Now, the final test.
Jim Fowler: Say, uh – [ removes a packet from his jacket pocket ] you don’t happen to know anything about.. stocks and bonds, do you?
Negro Republican: [ intrigued ] W-why do you ask?
Jim Fowler: Well, I, uh, just happen to have these high-end municipal bonds here, and, uh — [ the Negro takes the packet from Jim ]
Negro Republican: Right. [ examines the packet ] I’ll have my broker check them out. [ places the packet in his own jacket pocket ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: He’s taking the bait!
Jim Fowler: You know.. the economy sure has been in a mess lately.
Negro Republican: You know, I think that, uh, oh, once the Ronald Reagan, uh, administration policy takes a turn and, uh, picks up on it, I think that things will turn out pretty well.
Marlin Perkins V/O: There’s our proof! He’s definitely a Negro Republican! Jim will have to move fast. [ drops a pill into the Negro’s martini glass ] He’s using a harmless sedative to temporarily demobilize our subject.
[ the Negro sips from his martini, then suddenly stands very still ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: Working carefully, so as not to injure him, Jim will attach the special American flag pin. [ Jim attaches a pin to the Negro’s jacket lapel, which emits a beeping sound ] Inside is a tiny radio transmitter that will permit us to follow his movements.
[ the Negro suddenly regains mobility, shakes his head a couple of times, then retires with his wife to another part of the room. Jim follows close behind, meticulously taking notes. ]
[ dissolve back to Marlin Perkins ]
Marlin Perkins: So, until next week, remember: each and every creature, including the Negro Republican, is a valuable and irreplaceable part of.. the wild Kingdom!
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen, Malcolm McDowell!
Malcolm McDowell: Thank you. It’s great to be here! Great to be here tonight. Thank you. You know, I almost didn’t make it.
(An off-screen voice shouts “Why?”)
Malcolm McDowell: I’m an Englishman in case you haven’t noticed and the English have to have a work permit if they want to work here. Now, to get that permit, you have to prove that you can honestly to do that job. Now, it’s not enough that I starred in a Broadway play, I’m about to be the proud father of an American child. (Audience cheers and appluase) Thank you. I’m only half to blame for that. Well, in the rush of making babies and doing a play in New York, I completely forgot to get my permit renewed. Now, that’s a honest mistake. Well, this past Thursday, immigration called and said that not only that I couldn’t host the show, but I’d have to leave the country as well. Well, I was extremely nervous because it usually takes days to get a permit. However, thanks to NBC and their considerable clout, I was spared the waiting, but still we had to stop the show in the middle of rehearsals, at the cost of thousands of dollars, I had to get in a cab, go to my apartment, get my passport, come back here again, go over to the lawyer’s office and go to immigration. Now, I am perfectly legal. (Applause) I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The only reason I did this bloody show was to get a new permit anyway. (Audience laughs and applause). (In Texas drawl): We’ll be right back!
[ open on Jospeh Richman, seated at executive desk in front of “Tobacco Growers of America banner ]
[ Jan & Dean’s “Surf City” inadvertently begins playing, a miscue from the Serf City sketch that follows this one; the music is muted immediately ]
Jospeh Richman: Hello. I’m Jospeh Richman, from the TGA – the Tobacco Growers of America – and I have some startling news for you about lung cancer.
For too long now, the American public has lived under a gross misconception – that smoking tobacco causes lung cancer. Well, we at the TGA deplore this, for it is deceptive, and, tonight, we would like to make the real truth known.
There’s no denying that lung cancer is messy and inconvenient. But to blame it on cigarettes is specious and ill-founded. [ picks up a cigarette from a container filled with them ] Can we really blame this for death? Let’s examine it: we have the outer covering – paper. Paper is grown from trees. You don’t see warnings on tress, do you? [ smiles faceitously ] And, in the belly, we have 100% pure tobacco — [ tears the outer papering off and lets the inner tobacco spill onto the desk ] straight from the earth – Mother Earth – where flowers grow and children frolic. And people think this kills? This is a delicate object. [ places it gently on the surface of the desk ] It’s so weak, I can CRUSH it with my bare hands! [ pounds his hand on top of the cigarette, splattering paper and tobacco across his desk ] Look at the way it fights back, huh? Some murderer! Clearly, it is not the poor cigarette that causes lung cancer. It’s the lung!
[ camera pulls out, as Joseph Richman pulls a model of a lung closer to himself ]
Let’s take a look at this lemon! No wonder people die! It’s got a cockamamie shape! It’s way too little! It’s filled with MUCUS! It’s flimsy! It’s clammy! And, for the life of me, I don’t know how ANYTHING gets in or out of that pathetic little hole! Really!! If it works so well, why do you need TWO?! It’s CLEAR where the fault lies! The lung has ONE job: to get rid of a little smoke! And does it do it?! NO!! The lung TRAPS the smoke!! ON PURPOSE!! It KEEPS it!! My seven-year old daughter’s FAN could blow a little smoke away, but that’s TOO much for poor old Mr. Lung!
This, as you can well understand, is a serious problem, and so, the FDA has taken serious action. The lung must be recalled. So all persons with lungs shall send them to:
[ SUPER appears ]
Lungs 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020.
Persons without lungs need not worry. Thank you. [ smiles goodnight ]
The Leather Weather Report Written by: Ferris Butler, Billy Brown & Mel Green
Thelma Thunder…..Denny Dillon Johnny The Weather Map…..Charles Rocket
[Open on a black, leatherbound title card with a brown leather cutout of the United States dotted with silver studs. The words “The Leather Weather Report” are in the middle of the leather cutout. Hard rock music plays]
[Dissolve to a short, blond woman, dressed in a skin-tight black shirt with matching fingerless gloves, chains crossing her chest, and a silver and black choker, sneering at the camera and holding a cat-o-nine-tails]
Thelma Thunder: Good evening and welcome to “The Leather Report” [corrects herself]: “Leather Weather Report”. Im your Leather Weather girl, Thelma Thunder. And this [walks over to a map of the United States, partially obscured by a man lying across it, chained up by his wrists and ankles, wearing tight leather pants, a harness across his naked chest, and a bondage mask]: is our weather map, Johnny.
Johnny the Weather Map: Hello everybody.
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny] Shut up! Maps are to be seen, not heard. [to the audience]: Theres going to be a high-pressure in the Midwest [begins striking Johnnys chest with her cat-o-nine-tails; Johnny writhes from the pain]: for most of next week!
Johnny the Weather Map: Ouch!
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny; shrugs] Gods will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?
Johnny the Weather Map: More.
Thelma Thunder: [picks up a hose] Rains are going to sweep westward, beginning in New England [goes back to retrieve the tank connected to the hose, accidentally spraying the camera and begins to spray water on the squirming Johnny]: making their way across Ohio, Indiana, and not quite reaching Pikes Peak [sprays water all over the bulge in Johnnys leather pants]
Johnny the Weather Map: Hey, Im drenched over here!
Thelma Thunder [puts down the hose and the tank] Ya got a lot more comin, baby. [picks up her cat-o-nine-tails]: Also, winds [twirls the cat-o-nine-tails above her head]: will be whipping up around [slams the twirling cat-o-nine near Johnnys side as Johnny writhes]: the Great Lakes region! After that [slams down the cat-onine and picks up a cannister of whipped cream]: were gonna see a lot of snow. [shakes the cannister]: Im afraid it starts out in the Rockies [goes to spray it on Johnnys right leg, but only a couple of globs come out. Denny shakes the can and tries again on Johnnys left leg]: The Rockies! [a thin line of whipped cream comes out, hardly enough to count as snow. Denny gives up on that can of whipped cream, gets another one, and shakes it]: I said, “Snow starting out in the Rockies” [the cannister slightly sprays Denny]: Whoops! [finally gaining control of the cannister, Denny (as Thelma) sprays Johnny with a full can of whipped cream across his left leg, on his groin, and across his naked chest with her victim whimpering throughout as shes making her next weather prediction]: Making its way across America. Who could believe such snow? [stops at Johnnys face]: New York City–17 inches! Massachusetts and Maine–its gonna be snowed in.
Johnny The Weather Map: Do “Massachusetts and Maine” again.
Thelma Thunder [ignores Johnnys request and bends over to put away the cannister of whipped cream] You think thats bad, honey? Wait til you see whats gonna happen to the Midwest–whats gonna happen [bends over and produces a metal bucket filled with rocks]: Hailstones! [chucks a handful of “hailstones” at Johnny as he promptly reacts]: The size of cantaloupes! [continues chucking “hailstones” at Johnny]: Grapefruits! Its gonna snow so bad, I cant stand it! Its cold. All right! [drops the bucket of rocks]
Johnny The Weather Map: Make it–make it snow some more.
Thelma Thunder: [ignores Johnny and picks up a riding crop] Now for a quick temperature check [“Temp. Range” super appears on the screen, listing: “L.A.– Mid-70s”, “Chi.–Mid-20s”, and “NYC–Mid-40s”. Thelma slaps down her riding crop and points to the chart]: Take a look over there and see a look at the temperatures and dress accordingly. Wear your leather boots in the rain and snow–or else! [“Temp. Range” super disappears]
Johnny The Weather Map: Right.
Thelma Thunder: [snaps back] Quiet! [to audience]: This has been your “Leather Weather Report”. Im Thelma Thunder, you Leather Weather girl. Good night.
Johnny The Weather Map: Good night.
[over the live studio audience applause, Thelma Thunder barks, “Shut up!” to Johnny the Weather Map]
Malcolm McDowell: [ in a Southern drawl ] Thank y’all for comin’, and goo-oo-ood night!
[ credits roll ]
Don Pardo V/O: “Saturday Night Live” will be back in two weeks, December 6th, with our host, Ellen Burstyn, and musical guest, Aretha Franklin. Next week, I’ll be busy hosting an all new “Celebrity Jeopardy” – they can’t do this show without me, Don Pardo! Face it, I’m the only one who’s irreplaceable. Next week at this time: “Road Show”, with host John Candy, and musical guest Tom Waits will be here. Good ni-i-i-ight!
Prisoner…..Gilbert Gottfried Priest…..Charles Rocket Executioner…..Joe Piscopo Mother…..Denny Dillon
[ open on dark corridor, as a prisoner is led to the electric chair. A priest reads from the Psalm of David as they walk. ]
Priest: [ reading ] “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies; thou anointest my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
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Air Date:
A Message From David Rockefeller
Summary: David Rockefeller (Charles Rocket) announces that the United States is going co-op and poor people will be emigrated back to poor countries.
Summary: Ellen Burstyn lists her movie roles and admits it’s time she lightened up.
Summary: Spokesperson (Joe Piscopo) explains how you can become a studio audience member and get paid for laughing like the very best.
Summary: Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) interview Ellen Burstyn.
Summary: In a film by Leon Ichaso, the life of Pepe Gonzalez (Gilbert Gottfried), the only bullfighter in New York, is examined.
Summary: A school girl (Gail Matthius) uncovers the secret of the scary old lady (Ellen Burstyn) who lives in the neighborhood.
Transcript
