Jamie Lee Curtis: Goodbye! I had a great time. And please remember, 2 p.m., there will be a ten-minute vigil for John Lennon. Goodbye!
James Brown: Goodbye!
Announcer: Join us next week, when our host will be David Carradine, with special musical guest Linda Ronstadt, with Rex Smith, Estelle Parsons, George Rose, and Kevin Kline. This is Don Pardo, saying… “Good night!”
Grace…..Ann Risley Anna Louise Ryder…..Jamie Lee Curtis Daughter…..Denny Dillon Husband…..Joe Piscopo Diane Pierpont…..Gail Matthius
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to talk show set ]
Grace: Welcome to the women’s poetry corner, “Dying To Be Heard.” As we all know, the list of great women poets who committed suicide is endless. Sylvia Plath, Virginia Wolff, and Martha Mitchell, to name a few.
In this chauvinistic society, a poetess is driven to the extremes of suicide to make her work known. We’ve chosen just a few of the poems and suicide notes we’ve received from little-known women poets all around the world. From Des Moines, Iowa, let’s talk to Anna Louise Ryder. Anna, are you there?
[ dissolve to Anna sitting on a couch in her home, surrounded by her daughter and husband. Grace appears in a bubble in the upper left corner of the screen. ]
Anna Louise Ryder: [ nervous ] Yes, Grace. I’m.. I’m ready and willing.
Grace: Now, your letter says here that your chosen method of suicide is self-punishment.
Anna Louise Ryder: Yes, Grace. That’s right. I will be beating myself to death with the hardcover edition of The Joy of Cooking.
Grace: Well, how inventive. I’m sure you’re aware of the rules. Once you’ve lofted upon the winged chariot that never descends, before our home viewers, I will read your poem, “My Family, My Life,” to the world, and your voice will be heard to millions and millions of television viewers. Anna. Are you ready?
Anna Louise Ryder: Y-yes.
Daughter: Mommy.. Mommy, don’t do it. Please! I gotta go to school tomorrow!
Husband: Dear, we love you.. isn’t there some other way?
Anna Louise Ryder: [ with fury ] Get away! Get away, you never cared about my poems! You never cared about my work! All you ever wanted was dinner!! Don’t spoil it for me now!! [ begins to beat herself in the head with the book she’s holding ] Aiiiiigggghhhh!! [ srops dead across her daughter’s lap ]
Grace: [ without missing a beat ] I would like to read a poem by the late Anna-Louise Ryder. “My Family, My Life”:
“My husband A curl of black hair Dark, sinewy arms Strong thighs And a teeny, weeny, little ding-a-ling.
My children Fresh as new-mown menure Yet already set in their ways.
My family, my life I hate you.”
[ Daughter and Husband are stunned by the poem. Daughter shoves Anna off of her lap, and onto the floor with a thud. ]
[ dissolve back to Grace on her set ]
Grace: Anna, we’ll always remember you. That was one from the gut. Our second poetess tonight is Diane Pierpont of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Diane, it says here that you plan to strangle yourself with the cord of your Cuisinart. But, before you do, would you like to say a few words about the poem I’m about to read?
[ dissolve to Diane laying across the kitchen table, already strangled dead with her Cuisinart cord. Her arm flops to the side of the table ]
Grace: Diane? Oh, my, it seems that Diane has slabbed out a little ahead of schedule. So, we’ll just go right to her poem. It’s a short sonnet entitled “Nature”:
“A bird pecks the ground A frog hops in circles I’m depressed I think I’ll kill myself.”
That was wonderful, Diane, I know our viewers enjoyed it. Tune in next week, when we’ll be presenting a replay of Ms. L. Lansing’s dramatic “Drowning in a Bidet.” Until then, good night.
[Open on pan across a pair of feet covered in orange socks with the legs covered in blue jeans as someone sings “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”]
Voice: [singing] “Take me out to the ball game Take me out to the crowd ”
[Pan continues across the blue jeans and white fuzzy tank top]
Voice: [continues singing] “Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks ”
[Pan stops to reveal 1980s jean model Brooke Shields to be the voice singing as shes bent over and on her knees]
Brooke Shields: [singing] “I dont care if I never get back ”
[Brooke stops singing. Her eyes dart around as she realizes where she is]
Brooke Shields: [as she picks her head up] I have seven Clovins in my closet. [faces camera with a blank stare on her face]: and if they could talk [bends right arm over her head so her hand can rest on her cheek]: I could act. [smiles]
[Open on a close-up of a brown, high-heeled boot covered on top by the cuff of a pair of jeans and a hand with fingernails painted pink in a white, empty setting. The boot begins tapping as we hear someone whistling, “Oh, My Darling Clementine”]
[Pan across the hand as its fingers spider up the jean leg, revealing the other jean leg and the boot. The hand is lifted offscreen and the whistling is interrupted by an “Ouch!”]
[Camera continues to pan and stops at brunette 1980s jean model, Brooke Shields, wearing a white blouse and plucking the hairs from her eyebrows with her fingers as she continues whistling and plucks another hair, again interrupting her song with an “Ouch!”. Brooke notices the camera, stops plucking, and lowers her hand]
Brooke Shields: [breathlessly]: Do you want to know what comes between me and my Clovins? [tilts her head and smiles]: My brains.
Hotel Manager…..Joe Piscopo Waitress…..Jamie Lee Curtis Badger President…..Charles Rocket Rodriguez…..Gilbert Gottfried Higgins…..Patrick Weathers Badger Secretary…..Eddie Murphy Pendleton…..Matthew Laurence Badger…..Andy Murphy
[ open on interior, hotel banquet room, as a waitress tidies up the tables before the meeting about to take place. The banner on the back wall reads: “Badger Convention.” ]
[ Hotel Manager enters room ]
Hotel Manager: Well, is everything ready for the banquet?
Waitress: Yep, we’re all set!
Hotel Manager: You know, you’re waiting on the Badgers tonight?
Waitress: Yeah. Who are these Badgers, anyway, a hockey team or something?
Hotel Manager: Uh.. you wish. [ chuckles to himself ]
[ Hotel Manager exits, as the rowdy Badgers burst into the room, dressed in loud suits accompanied by stuffed badgers on their heads, and already with the wisecracks ]
[ five of the Badgers sit among two tables, as the Badger President takes his stance at the podium ]
Waitress: Uh.. hello?
Rodriguez: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
Waitress: Excuse me? Good evening. You all must be the Badgers. Would you all like to check your hats?
Badger President: [ removes his badger cap and sniffs the fur ] There’s nothing wrong with our hats. Would you like to check the bottom of your shoes!
[ The Badgers crack themselves up laughing ]
Waitress: Well, I never!
Badger President: Oh, I bet you have!
[ they all make faces and gestures at the Waitress, as she turns and runs out of the room ]
Badger President: Brother Badgers, the meeting of Milwaukee Badger Post 213 will now come to order. Any old badgering?
Rodriguez: Yes!
Badger President: Rodriguez?
Rodriguez: I’d like to commend Brother Higgens here for badgering the bus driver all the way over here!
[ the Badgers hoot and hollar at the excitement ]
Higgins: And I’d like to commend Brother Rodriguez for badgering that man about bringing his dog into the lobby!
[ Rodriguez puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and whips out a walking cane, as all the Badgers whoop and hollar at his pantomime ]
Badger President: Sit down, Rodriguez! Hey, do I hear a Secretary’s report?
Secretary: Uh.. yes. Uh.. our Junior Badgers basketball team isn’t doing too well.
Badgers: Ohhhh..
Secretary: Unfortunately, they lost their first game to the Lion’s Cluib.
Badgers: Ohhhh..
Secretary: But.. on the bright side, those little Badgers managed to rack up fourteen technical fouls!
Badger President: Alriiight!! Okay, Junior Badgers. Hey, do we have any candidates for Badgerdom?
Secretary: Uh, yes.. Brother Pendleton. [ indicates the man sitting next to him ]
Badger President: Pendleton! Oh, good to see you here. Up front and center, Pendleton! [ Pendleton stands and approaches the podium ] Of course, I trust you’ve familiarized yourself with the Badger Code?
Pendleton: I know it by heart.
Badger President: Okay, you ready, pal?
Pendleton: Uh-huh. [ raises his right hand ]
Badger President: Great! B!
Pendleton: Bothersome!
Badger President: A!
Pendleton: Annoying!
Badger President: D!
Pendleton: Dispicable!
Badger President: G!
Pendleton: Grating!
Badger President: E!
Pendleton: Exasperating!
Badger President: R!
Pendleton: And.. Ridiculing!
Badger President: Alright, Pendleton, very good! Excellent! [ places a Badger cap onto Pendleton’s head ] Just remember, Pendleton, that only those who live by the Code can truly call themselves.. Badgers!
[ Badger President attempts to shake Pendleton’s hand, but Pendleton pulls it away at the last second. They enjoy the gag, as Pendleton returns to his seat. ]
Badger President: Hey! Brother Pendleton. Okay. [ turns his attention to the other table ] Rodriguez, in light of your accomplishment, let’s give you the first honor at dinner tonight.
[ everyone cheers Rodriguez on, as he runs to the center of the room and begins his display of badgering ]
Rodriguez: Waitress!!
Waitress: [ re-appears ] Yes, sir, would you all like to order drinks?
Rodriguez: Uh.. you make a Tom Collins?
Waitress: Sure.
Rodriguez: You make a Harvey Wallbanger?
Waitress: Absolutely!
Rodriguez: You ever make a guy named Marvin Grishman!
Waitress: I can’t beleive my ears!
Badger President: Oh, really? I can’t believe your face! What a horrible waste of skin!
Waitress: [ self-conscious ] What’s wrong with my face?!
Rodriguez: Oh! Is that your face, or did your neck throw up!
Waitress: [ screams ]
Hotel Manager: O-kay. What seems to be the problem here?
Waitress: They were badgering me!
Hotel Manager: Oh, you guys! I was nice enough to let you come back to the hotel this year. Now, if you don’t cut out that badgering, I’m just gonig to have to ask you to leave!
[ the Badgers fake moaning and groaning, not the least bit intimidated by being asked to leave ]
Hotel Manager: Now, gentlemen! Gentlemen! [ to Waitress ] Tell me, dear, what did they say?
Waitress: They owe me an apology! They said terrible things about my face!
Hotel Manager: Well, that’s disgusting.
Waitress: Yeah, the insults!
Hotel Manager: No, your face! [ whips out a badger cap from inside his jacket, and puts it on his head ] Joe Bolton, Badge Troop 118! [ makes faces and hollars with the rest of the Badgers, as the Waitress runs crying out of the room ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: A Film By: December 13th, 1980 Jamie Lee Curtis James Brown Ellen Shipley None Martin Brest
The Mean MajoritySummary: Members of the Mean Majority (Denny Dillon, Gail Matthius, Charles Rocket), an organization of decent, moral Americans, speaks out. Transcript
Montage
Jamie Lee Curtis’ MonologueSummary: Jamie Lee Curtis treats the audience to her trademark horror film scream. Bio: The daughter of Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis, Jamie Lee Curtis (1958-) was known as “The Scream Queen” for her performances in horror films like “Halloween” and “The Fog.” Transcript
Clovin Hind Jeans ISummary: Only her brains come between Brooke Shields (Gail Matthius) and her Clovin Hind Jeans. Transcript
The Attack of the Terrible Snapping CreaturesSummary: In horror spoof, roommates Gail (Gail Matthius) and Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) discover an outbreak of clothespins in their new apartment.
Three-Card MontySummary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) meets a three-card monty street hustler (Eddie Murphy) in New York City. Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman. Transcript
“Who is Gilbert Gottfried?”Summary: Gilbert Gottfried introduces a film by Linda Lee, which shows how he managed to get on “Saturday Night Live.”
Dying To Be HeardSummary: The only way poetesses (Jamie Lee Curtis, Gail Matthius) can get their poems read on TV is by committing suicide. Transcript
James Brown performs “Rapp Payback”Bio: An iconic performer of many titles, such as “The Godfather of Soul” and “The Hardest Working Man in Show Business,” James Brown (1933-) is responsible for turning R&B into soul, then for turning soul into funk. Note: “Rapp Payback” is an homage to Brown’s earlier singles “Brother Rapp” and “The Payback.” Lyrics
Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Woodswoman (Denny Dillon) gives a remote editorial on President-elect Reagan’s proposed nuclear dumping policy. Joe Piscopo recaps the week in sports via poetic verse. Consumer reporter Eddie Murphy proposes dog food for human consumption.
Poker & Drugs Don’t MixSummary: In a satire of a public service announcement, poker players make bad hands while under the influence of drugs. Transcript
Clovin Hind Jeans IISummary: If Brooke Shields’ (Gail Matthius) jeans could talk, then she could act. Transcript
Badger ConventionSummary: A group of annoying lodge brothers who call themselves The Badgers hold their annual convention, where they initiate a new member (Matthew Laurence) and badger a frustrated waitress (Jamie Lee Curtis). Transcript
James Brown performs a medley of his hits
Tortu-MaticSummary: Charles Rocket promotes the physical torture device that keeps him pumped to perfection.
“Hot Dogs For Gauguin”Summary: In an abridged version of a 1972 student film written and directed by Martin Brest, a photographer (Danny DeVito) plots to bomb the Statue of Liberty so he can snap an award-winning news photo afterwards. Bio: A former NYU film student, Martin Brest (1951-) would later produce and direct Eddie Murphy in “Beverly Hills Cop” (1984), Robert De Niro in “Midnight Run” (1988), and Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman” (1992). He also wrote, produced and directed Ben Affleck in “Gigli” (2003).
Roweena’s Cut ‘n CurlSummary: While having her hair done by Roweena (Gail Matthius), Nadine (Denny Dillon) receives a visit from her punk-rocker daughter (Jamie Lee Curtis). Recurring Characters: Nadine, Roweena.
Clovin Hind Jeans IIISummary: Brooke Shields (Gail Matthius) attempts to recite poetry about her Clovin Hinds before falling on her butt.
Camille Black’s Cycle GangSummary: TV news reporter (Jamie Lee Curtis) interviews biker Camille Black (Ann Risley), who advocates the burying of road kill.
Announcer: “Those Incredible TV Shows” will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you this important message from Chase Manhatten president David Rockefeller.
[ dissolve to David Rockefeller seated at desk ]
David Rockefeller: Hi. I’m David Rockefeller, with a message to you proor people from the new Reagan administration. Now, I’m not really a part of the government — only elected officials can make policy — everybody knows that! But they asked me to tell you about the new plan to eliminate poverty in the United States once and for all. The United States is going co-op, and, if you know anything about co-ops, you realize not everyone can stay — and we’re pretty choosy! So here are some guidelines to see if you qualify for a spot.
First of all: Income. A qualifying income, one that would allow you to stay, might be… say… $250,000 a year. Non-qualifying income would be, for example: $3.65 an hour.
Another thing we’ll be looking at is Occupation. If you happen to be, say, an International Financier — no problem there, you can stay! If, on theo ther hand, you were, say, an Unemployed Welfare Recipient… you’d have to go!
This is just some of the information we’re looking at. How do you know if you can stay? Well, if you don’t qualify, sometime within the next two weeks, you’ll receive one of these pink notices, evicting you fom the country. [ he hodls up the notice ] Now, I hear you saying, “Evicted from the U.S.? Where will we go?” Calm down. The President and I have always been quite clear on where you poor people can go.
First, you’re all to meet at Ellis Island. [ he picks up a globe ] From there, if your name begins with the letters A through J — Alvarez through Johnson — you’ll go to Cambodia.
K through M — you go to Argentina.
N through T — to El Salvador.
U through Z — Haiti.
There, you will begin your new lives as peasants, under the thumb of a friendly foreign dictator. And there, if you choose, you can study hard and try to qualify for a higher-paying job, say, a doctor or a lawyer. Then, we’ll welcome you back, and once again you’ll be… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Old Lady…..Ellen Burstyn Little Girl…..Gail Matthius
[ open on interior, darkened kitchen, as a little girl in a rabbit costume rings the bell ]
Little Girl: Hi! I’m from Millard Elementary School, and I’m selling tickets to the Christmas pageant. We’re doing “Alice in Wonderland” this year, it’s an 8:30 a.m., and that’s ’cause the first graders have lunch at 10:30, and I play the rabbit!
Old Lady: Can I give you a radish, instead of a dollar?
Little Girl: I’m not really a rabbit.
Old Lady: Oh. Well, come on in. [ she closes the door ] I’ve got some candy left over from Halloween, you can take your pick.
Little Girl: No. No, thanks.
Old Lady: Oh. Well, how about some stew?
Little Girl: Stew?!
Old Lady: Yeah.
Little Girl: No, I gotta go — [ she heads for the door ]
Old Lady: No, come on, sit down, it’s already made. You’ll have some stew.
[ they sit at the table ]
Little Girl: Oh. Uh — my Mom says I’m supposed to have, uh, stew from strangers! Uh, and that’s why I have to go home pretty soon — I’ll probably have stew — and, uh —
Old Lady: Yeah, well, I just taked to your mother, and she said you should have dinner with me. Now, eat it.
Little Girl: You — you know my mother?
Old Lady: Sure, I know your mother. Now, eat.
Little Girl: Oh. [ she picks at the stew ]
Old Lady: You know, one Halloween my boy Jim was a rabbit. He didn’t want to be — he wanted to be a robot, but I didn’t hear him too good. Jim’s speech wasn’t always real clear — I used to say Jim and his tongue weren’t on speaking terms. Anyway, he loved dressing up for Halloween. He always dressed up as something tough. One year he was Spiderman, the next year he was G.I. Joe, and the year after that he was a rabbit — but, like I said, it wasn’t his fault. He said “robot”, I heard “rabbit.”
Little Girl: Do you want a ticket to the Christmas pageant?
Old Lady: What’s the matter? Don’t you like your stew?
Little Girl: No, uh — it’s fine. But I’m ALLERGIC to stew!!
Old Lady: Well, no one’s allergic to stew.
Little Girl: I am!
Old Lady: No, you’re not! Now, eat!
Little Girl: Oh, uh — uh, oh — I REALLY AM allergic to it, but, also, it’s because — um —
Old Lady: Because, what?
Little Girl: It’s… because… I don’t like CAT MEAT!!
Old Lady: [ taken aback ] Cat meat? That ain’t cat meat!
Little Girl: Yes, it is! Julie Rogers told me that you go into people’s houses at midnight and steal their cats! Then you take them home and strip off the skin, and then you use their tails to brush your teeth.
Old Lady: How does Julie Rogers know this?
Little Girl: She SAW you! She stays up late! She swore on a stack of Bibles.
Old Lady: Does Julie Rogers have anything else to say?
Little Girl: No. But Guy Martin did! He says that the reason you have those tomato plants with strings around them is… to capture children?
Old Lady: Hmm. When my boy Jim was little, he had the idea that if you put the seeds for tomatoes and lettuce nad carrots all in the same hole, you could grow a salad. [ she laughs ]
Little Girl: Is it true you never change your clothes?
Old Lady: I used to tease him that he ought to water it with vinegar and oil. [ she laughs ]
Little Girl: [ looking around ] Where’s Jim?
Old Lady: Jim and I had a favorite song. You know “Gold Mine in the Sky”?
Little Girl: [ shaking her head nervously ] Uh-uh.
Old Lady: [ singing ] “There is ia gold mine in the sky far away It will find you and I soem sweet day.”
[ she rises and crosses the kitchen to open the door ]
Old Lady: Is someone there?
Little Girl: Well… I gotta go now! If my mother calls… tell her I’m on my way home. Okay? [ yelling ] IF MY MOTHER CALLS, TELL HER —
Old Lady: I don’t know your mother.
Little Girl: Um — well, thank you for the stew… ma’am.
[ the Little Girl slips through the door, as the Old Lady closes it and retreats into her kitchen ]
Ellen Burstyn: Hi! I’m Ellen Burstyn! I’ve got a lot of friends here tonight, because after the show we’re gonna have a little celebration because, at the stroke of midnight, it’s gonna be my birthday. [ the audience cheers ] And I’m gonna be 48 years old. [ the audience whoops ] And I want to tell you kids that are 20 and 30: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! The 40’s are TERRIFIC! I’m having the BEST time I’ve ever had in my whole life! That’s why I wanted to do this show, you know. I’ve done all these heavy, dramatic parts:
In “Resurrection”, I play a woman who goes over a cliff in a car, dies, and comes back to life with both her legs broken.
Even in “Same Time, Next Year”. It was a comedy — I played an adulteress.
“The Exorcist”: I played the mother of a little girl with a slight personality disorder.
Uh — in “King of Marvin Gardens” I shot and killed Bruce Dern.
And in “Dream of Passon”, I murdered my three children all together.
So I say it is time to LIGHTEN UP!! [ the audience cheers ] Lets have some fun!! We’re gonna be right back!!
Air Date:
Summary: Members of the Mean Majority (Denny Dillon, Gail Matthius, Charles Rocket), an organization of decent, moral Americans, speaks out.
Summary: Jamie Lee Curtis treats the audience to her trademark horror film scream.
Summary: In horror spoof, roommates Gail (Gail Matthius) and Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) discover an outbreak of clothespins in their new apartment.
Summary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) meets a three-card monty street hustler (Eddie Murphy) in New York City.
Summary: Gilbert Gottfried introduces a film by Linda Lee, which shows how he managed to get on “Saturday Night Live.”
Bio: An iconic performer of many titles, such as “The Godfather of Soul” and “The Hardest Working Man in Show Business,” James Brown (1933-) is responsible for turning R&B into soul, then for turning soul into funk.
Summary: Woodswoman (Denny Dillon) gives a remote editorial on President-elect Reagan’s proposed nuclear dumping policy. Joe Piscopo recaps the week in sports via poetic verse. Consumer reporter Eddie Murphy proposes dog food for human consumption.
Summary: In a satire of a public service announcement, poker players make bad hands while under the influence of drugs.
Summary: Charles Rocket promotes the physical torture device that keeps him pumped to perfection.
Summary: In an abridged version of a 1972 student film written and directed by Martin Brest, a photographer (Danny DeVito) plots to bomb the Statue of Liberty so he can snap an award-winning news photo afterwards.
Summary: While having her hair done by Roweena (Gail Matthius), Nadine (Denny Dillon) receives a visit from her punk-rocker daughter (Jamie Lee Curtis).
Summary: Brooke Shields (Gail Matthius) attempts to recite poetry about her Clovin Hinds before falling on her butt.
Summary: TV news reporter (Jamie Lee Curtis) interviews biker Camille Black (Ann Risley), who advocates the burying of road kill.
