Month: October 2018

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Gun City

Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Spokesman standing behind counter ]

Spokesman: [ manic ] Ho, ho, ho! Thinking of what to get your loved ones for Christmas?! Why not give the gift that KEEPS YOU LIVING — a GUN from Gun City!!

[ he holds up a tiny gun ]

For the First Lady of the house, get one of these teeny-weeny guns! Order NOW, and we’ll throw in this designer Gucci holster!

[ he holds up a bigger gun ]

For the TEENS, we’ve got a whole slew of Saturday Night Specials! Your kid will be the HIT of the dance floor, as they proudly display its spinning disco action!

[ he holds up a larger gun ]

And, Dad, you can celebrate the yuletide season by strapping on one of these Magnin .44s! If this baby can stop a charging rhino in its tracks, IMAGINE what it’ll do to the MEANEST MUTHA in da Bronx!! Buy it!! Be a man!! She’ll be HAPPY to see you with a PISTOL in your POCKET!! And Gun City has all the BULLETS you’ll ever need! [ he picks them up by the handful from a box ] These shells make GREAT stocking stuffers!! At Gun City, we sell to ANYONE!! PERMITS?!! HA HA!! We’ll take care of them!! We don’t care about your PAST, only your FUTURE!! So come on down! Arm your loved ones and put a BANG in their life!! At GUN CITYYYY!!!

Jingle: “Christmas fun starts with a gun!” [ shot rings out ] “Gun City!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Goodnights

…..David Carradine

David Carradine: Good night!

[ the crowd surrounding him yells out various renditions of “Good night!” and “Goodbye!” as the camera pulls back and the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be back in three weeks on January 10th. This is Don Pardo, wishing you a merry Christmas and a happy new year. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be spending New Year’s Eve at Art Fleming’s snorting [??].

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

The Dancing Man

Dancing Man…..Bill Irwin

[ Open on superimposed titles on a black BG “THE DANCING MAN BY MITCHELL KRIEGMAN ]

[ Fade in on a rather weary looking man wearing sunglasses entering his apartment. He goes up to his bedroom, takes his glasses off and lays down on his bed. ]

[ We then cut to his alarm clock reading 6:14. The minutes click to :15, and the song “Shake Your Groove Thing” begins to blare. The man jumps up from his bed and dances like crazy, but then stops and turns the clock off. ]

[ We then cut to the man’s refrigerator as he gets out a pitcher of orange juice and pours it into his glass. We then start hearing the same song from an muffled, unknown distance. The man starts dancing again as juice splatters all over the place. He goes over to a wall and puts his hand against it, apparently trying to stop dancing, but the song then goes away. ]

[ Exhausted, the man sits down on the kitchen table and accidently puts his head down, but accidently smashes it on the wood, he gets up with a pained look on his face but gently puts his head down until the doorbell rings. ]

[ He goes to the door and opens it. Outside it is a young, black, deliveryman holding a boombox over his left shoulder and a package in his right hand. The man dances again while the deliveryman shakes his head at him like he is crazy. The man signs the delivery form and shuts the door, making the music stop, but the doorbell rings again and the man answers it. It is the same guy and the same music, so he takes the package and shuts the door. ]

[ We then cut to the man sitting at the table opening the package which turns out to be a music box. He opens the music box and the same song begins playing. The man dances uncontrollably, then he slides down his stairs. ]

[He then dances his way outside and down the sidewalk and starts dancing with a lady holding grocery bags. He lets go of her and continues to dance down the street ans the lady looks at him. ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

The Home Version of Dallas

Dad…..Joe Piscopo
Mom…..Gail Matthius
Daughter…..Denny Dillon
Spokesman…..Charles Rocket

[ open on suburban living room, Mom drinking on the couch as Dad storms into the room ]

Dad: Wha…? What, you’re DRUNK again! You’re JUST a LUSH!! Why, I oughtta…

Mom: [ rising slowly ] Well, you’re always hanging out with some two-bit SLUT!! [ they begin to scuffle ] Don’t touch me, I’ll kill you!!

[ Dad throws Mom down on the ocuch, as their Daughter runs into the room ]

Daughter: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I hate you BOTH!!

[ Mom backslaps Daughter and knocks her to the floor ]

[ dissolve to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: A typical evening at home? Not much fun, is it? But not any more! You’ve seen the TV show — now you can play the HOME vesion of “Dallas”! [ zoom out on product ] You’ll get hats, booze, wigs, and a cheap handgun — everything YOU need to play “Dallas” at home! Now, let’s see that scene again.

[ dissolve back to the living room, now featuring “Dallas” props ]

Dad: Sue Ellen! You’re DRUNK again! You’re JUST a LUSH!! Why, I oughtta…

Mom: [ rising slowly ] Ahhh, J.R., you’re always hanging out with some two-bit SLUT!! [ they begin to scuffle ] Don’t touch me, I’ll kill you!!

[ Dad throws Mom down on the couch, as their Daughter runs into the room ]

Daughter: [ tossing back her long, blonde wig hair ] SHUT UP! SHUT UP! J.R.! SUE ELLEN! I hate you BOTH!!

[ Mom backslaps Daughter and knocks her to the floor ]

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Wooowwww!! What an adjustment! The argument is NOW exciting drama! If members of YOUR family are drunks, lechers, sleazebags, liars and sluts, wouldn’t you rather just think of them as The Ewings?! Well, now you CAN! With the home version of “Dallas”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
December 20th, 1980

David Carradine

The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

None

None

Andy Murphy

Neil Levy

Mitchell Kriegman
Joe’s Don Pardo ImpressionSummary: The voice of Don Pardo expresses his disapproval with Joe Piscopo’s hopes to replace him as SNL’s announcer.

Montage

David Carradine’s MonologueSummary: Charles Rocket gets a kung fu kick for trying to stop David Carradine from singing “I Wanna Be A Dancin’ Man” across grains of sand.

Gun CitySummary: A manic spokesman (Joe Piscopo) touts the last-minute Christmas firearms deals for the entire family.

Transcript

Kung Fu FashionsSummary: The black owner (Eddie Murphy) of a menswear shop gives traveling Caine (David Carradine) fashion advice.

Transcript

Valley Girls At The MallSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) try to impress boys (Joe Piscopo, Charles Rocket) at the mall.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Transcript

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket covers the story of a derelict Santa Claus (Charles Rocket) who wanders the streets of New York in despair.

Recurring Characters: Santa Claus.

Transcript

Dylan & GuthrieSummary: Bob Dylan (Patrick Weathers) visits Woody Guthrie (David Carradine) in the hospital, and the two speak to one another via folksy song lyrics.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dylan.

Transcript

The Home Version of DallasSummary: Add a little excitement to your family’s strife by imitating the dysfunctional Ewing clan in the privacy of your home.

Transcript

“Mr. Bill’s Christmas Special”Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill recalls painful holiday memories of Christmases past.

Transcript

Kung Fu ChristmasSummary: Caine (David Carradine) and a black Bruce Lee (Eddie Murphy) co-star in a new Christmas movie.

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: While providing holiday do’s and don’ts, Ann Risley recommends including lard wrapped in plastic bags. Joe Piscopo silently comments on NBC Sports Executive Producer Don Ohlmeyer’s decision to run NFL broadcasts with on-screen statistics instead of using actual announcers.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of “The Pirates of Penzance” perform a medley of songs from the musical

Heroin in HarlemSummary: Lt. Sam Cleveland (Eddie Murphy) gives rich white drug users (Joe Piscopo, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket) an authentic heroin experience in Harlem.

Transcript

The Virgin SearchSummary: A trio of NBC executives (Matthew Laurance, Mitchell Kriegman, Neil Levy) search the globe for a virgin, eventually crossing paths with Gail Matthius.

Transcript

Dopenhagen & Happy DazeSummary: Spokesperson (David Carradine) uses the product to stay smokeless and avoid lighting up.

Death of Colonel SandersSummary: Kentucky Fried Chicken diners (David Carradine, Denny Dillon, Eddie Murphy) eat fried chicken to mourn the passing of Colonel Sanders.

“The Dancing Man”Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, an ordinary man (Bill Irwin) can’t keep himself from dancing.

Transcript

Welfare CounselingSummary: welfare counselor (Denny Dillon) advises recipients Ms. Robley (Yvonne Hudson) and Caine (David Carradine) to take up prostitution.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of “The Pirates of Penzance” perform a medley of Christmas carols

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix

Narrator/Voice of Jack Card…..Charles Rocket
Janice…..Ann Risley
Female Poker Player…..Denny Dillon
Man #1…..Matthew Laurence
Man #2…..Joe Piscopo
Man #3…..Gilbert Gottfried
Voice of Queen Card…..Gail Matthius

[Open on close-up of ten poker chips–one white, two blue, and seven red–in the middle of a green poker table while someone deals out cards]

Narrator: These young people are having a good time playing poker.

[Pull back to reveal three men and two women sitting around a poker table in the basement of a house, chatting over one another and smoking marijuana cigarettes, except for Man #3, who is drinking from a brown and white mug.]

Narrator: (cont’d) They’re looking forward to a long, friendly evening of competition, [The others who are smoking joints cough heavily and extinguish the joints in their ashtrays as the game commences] but they’ve made one mistake: they’ve been smoking marijuana.

[some laughter and a man in the live studio audience shouting, “All right!” can be heard as we dissolve to an over-the-shoulder shot of Man #1’s hand of cards (an eight of spades, a seven of spades, a six of spades, a five of spades, and a four of clubs)]

Narrator: Because of marijuana [Man #1 takes a puff off his marijuana cigarette], this man thinks his four of clubs is a spade.

[Man #1 cracks up at his hand of cards. He exhales smoke and stubs out his joint, ready to ante up]

Man #1: [coughs and throws two chips in the center] I’ll see your two. [cracks up and puts the rest of his chips in the center]: and raise you fifteen.

[The other players “Ooh!” in amazement, but the Female Poker Player isn’t impressed]

Narrator: He thinks he’s got a flush.

Female Poker Player: [puts her chips in the center] Okay, call!

Man #1: [pins down cards so the Female Poker Player can see them] A flush. Read ‘em and weep!

Female Poker Player: [points to four of clubs in his hand of cards] That isn’t a spade!

[Man #1 checks his hand. His face falls at the oversight and the resulting mistake]

Man #1: Oh no! [buries his face in his hands]

[dissolve to overhead shot of the five poker players]

Narrator: He’s cleaned out. He’ll have to borrow to stay in the game, all thanks to pot.

[dissolve to over-the-shoulder shot of Janice, another female poker player, who has a royal straight flush (a ten, jack, queen, king, and ace of hearts). Zoom-in on Janice’s hand as Narrator continues]

Narrator: This woman has a royal straight flush, but she’s so stoned, she thinks the queen is having an affair with the jack.

[dissolve from shot of Janice’s hand to Janice as she begins to hear voices coming from her cards. Her eyes dart around nervously as she listens in on the conversation]

Queen Card: [in a high, British accent] Psst, Jack, after this hand, meet me at the bottom of the deck.

Jack Card: [also in a high, British accent] But what about the king? He’s standing right next to you!

Queen Card: Don’t worry. The old goat can’t keep up. We’ll lose him in the shuffle!

[Pull back to two shot of Janice, still zoned out from smoking pot, and Man #2, who has noticed that Janice hasn’t done anything]

Man #2: Come on, Janice, are you gonna open or what?

Everyone Else: Yeah, come on!

Janice: [dazed] Uh, no. Open? Oh, no, no, no. This is much too private. [puts cards face down on the poker table and turns away]

[Everyone else at the table groans. Dissolve to overhead shot of the five players]

Narrator: She’s so loaded, she’s folding a royal straight flush–and she doesn’t care!

[dissolve to Man #3, who, unlike the other stoned players looks a little too alert as he stares at his cards. The Female Poker Player deals him two more cards. He collects them]

Narrator: This man, drawing to a pair of nines with an ace kicker, didn’t smoke marijuana. Instead, while his friends were spacing out, he’d stay sharp and alert by drinking eight cups of coffee.

[Man #3 shows his hand of cards–a full house (a nine of diamonds, a nine of spades, an ace of clubs, an ace of spades, and an ace of diamons)–with a victorious smile on his face.]

Narrator: Wow! He’s filled out a full house. [Cut to close-up of the full house, followed by a three shot of Man #3 looking around to see if anyone can beat that]: Look at that hand. That’s the best hand he’s had all night–but he played it much too soon…

Female Poker Player: Misdeal!

Narrator: (cont’d) …because he’s wired from too much caffeine.

[Zoom out to a final overhead shot of the drugged-out players ending their poker game as everyone else grumbles over Man #3’s winning hand and Man #3 drinks from his coffee mug]

[Orange SUPER: “Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix” appear as the scene ends]

Narrator: Poker and drugs don’t mix. If you’re gonna get high, don’t play cards. This has been a satire of a public service announcement.

[applause as we fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Three-Card Monty

Paulie Herman….Joe Piscopo
Black Hustler….Eddie Murphy
Cop….Charles Rocket

[Opens with a bus terminal. Fast-talking black hustleris paying 3 card monte on top of a box. 2 guys arewatching him shuffle the 3 cards]

Black Hustler: Ok, it’s in the bank, Frank, no tax,Max. Here we go, round and round we go, where shestops nobody knows. Come on, let’s play the game. [guypoints at the card]Black card! Sorry, man. Youlose.[takes money, guy leaves] Sorry about that, it’sall right, put your money down,[shuffles cards] don’tgo wasting my time, here we go, round and round we gowhere– Which card you want? Is this the card youwant?! Black card! Sorry, my man. That’s it! [ 2nd guyleaves] Hey, come on, man. Let’s play some more. Hey, come on back, man!

[Nerdy Paulie Herman walks in, strange frown on hisface, over the black hustler’s shoulder]

Paulie Herman: Hey, come on back, man! Come on back!What are you doing?

Black Hustler: I’m makin’money, man. You wanna makesome money, jack?

Paulie Herman: Oh, I love to but I gotta catch my bus.

Black Hustler: Say, man, you got plenty of time. Yourbus ain’t gonna come for a while. Where you live anyway?

Paulie Herman: I’m from Jersey! Ha!,ha!,ha!,ha! Areyou from Jersey? Ha!,ha!, ha!,ha! I’m from Jersey!

Black Hustler: No, baby, I’m from New York City.

Paulie Herman: New York! Wow! [sings]”Start spreadingthe news / I’m leaving today…”

Black Hustler: Say, look man, You wanna make some money or what?

Paulie Herman: Oh, I don’t know. I am doing quite wellat the plant right now what with my pension plan andthe dental plan and the blue cross and the blueshield, I’ll get my free prescriptions next year…

Black Hustler: No, man, I’ll make you some big bucks, man!

Paulie Herman: Wow, hey, that sounds like fun!

[Hustler senses an easy mark]

Black Hustler: It is fun and easy too.

Paulie Herman: Yeah.

Black Hustler: I’ll play this game called “3 card monte”.

Paulie Herman: Yeah?

Black Hustler: You understand what I’m saying?

Paulie Herman: No.

Black Hustler: Well, look here. I got this 3 cardshere. One of them is red, right?

Paulie Herman: One of them is red….

Black Hustler: Two of them are black. Gonna mix ’emup. You find the red card, win some money.

Paulie Herman: Ok.

Black Hustler: Here we go, [shuffles the 3 cards]roundand round she goes, where she stops nobody knows, findthe card, here we go, luck be a lady—here we go,whatcha gonna do?, here we go, boom!

[Stops shuffling, Paulie looks down at the cards]

Paulie Herman: What?

Black Hustler: I said find the red card.

Paulie Herman:[picks up the right card easily] It’s right here.

Black Hustler: Now we’re gonna play for real money.Here we go, round and round….

[A cop appears, black hustler hides behind Paulie]

Cop: All right, fellas. What’s going on here?

Paulie Herman: Oh, we’re playing cards officer. You wanna play?

Cop: No. You boys from around here?

Paulie Herman: Well, I’m from Jersey! Ha!, ha!,ha!,ha!,ha!. Are you from Jersey?

Cop: No, not hardly. How about you? Where you from?

Black Hustler: I’m from Jersey. Are you from Jersey?

Paulie Herman: I thought you said you’re from New York.

Black Hustler:[nervous]Oh, yeah. New York, New Jersey,same thing, metropolitan area.

Cop: Well, if you boys are from New Jersey you best begetting on your bus, now get goin’.

Paulie Herman: Oh, yes sir, officer. Right away. Here we go.

[cop leaves]

Black Hustler: Say man, we were lucky.

Paulie Herman: Lucky, huh? Hey, [sings]”Luck be lady tonight…”

Black Hustler: Look, please, don’t sing no mo’, if yougonna sing, sing something hip like James Brown or something.

Paulie Herman: Oh, James Brown, terrific footballplayer. I didn’t know he could sing! Yeah, great actortoo, I especially enjoyed him in “Chips” last yearwhere he did that roller skating segment with Fred Williamson.

Black Hustler: Oh, man…[picks up his box and cards]

Paulie Herman: Of course, you’re well aware of hisclassic film “Tick Tick Tick”….

Black Hustler: Just get away from me, man.

Paulie Herman: Of course…..

[Black Hustler goes out the bus terminal with Pauliebehind him jabbering away nonstop]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4




Song appears
on the album:

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

James Brown performs “Rapp Payback”

…..Jamie Lee Curtis
…..James Brown

Jamie Lee Curtis: Ladies and gentlemen – here is James Brown!

James Brown:
“Rapp Payback!
Hey!
Come on, now!
Hit me!
[ screams ]
Sing it!
Good God!
Hit me!
Owww!
Where’s Moses?
Do it!
Good God!
Lookie here, ha!

I know you heard of Master Gee
But you didn’t heard nothin’
’til you dug J.B.

Hit me!
Oww!
Tell me!
Where’s Moses?
Ha!

I know you heard of Master Gee
But you didn’t heard nothin’
’til you dug J.B.

Hit me!
Whooooo!!
Where’s Moses?
Ha!

Roll over Beetoven!
(Roll over Beetoven!)
Sing it!
(Roll over Beetoven!)
Roll over Beetoven!
Roll over Beetoven!
Roll over Beetoven!)

Miami, Florida
Oakland
Here I come!
San Franicsco
I got to show you some.
Hit me!
Owwww!!!
Whooo!!
Where’s Moses?

[ break ]

[ James Brown whips off his outer jacket ]

The big payback!
Oww!
Gotta get back!
Oww!
Whoo!
The big payback!
Oww!
The big payback!
Now!

Get down with my woman, that ain’t right!
(Oh, no!)
You hollarin’ and cussin’, you wanna fight, yeah.
Don’t do me no darn favor
I don’t know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!
(Yes, we do!)

Get down with my woman, that ain’t right, yeah!
(Oh, no!)
You hollarin’ and cussin’, you wanna fight, yeah.
Don’t do me no darn favor
I don’t know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!
(Yes, we do!)

Get down with my woman, that ain’t right, no!
(Oh, no!)
You hollarin’ and cussin’, you wanna fight, yeah.
Don’t do me no darn favor
I don’t know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!
(Yes, we do!)

Give me the hit ya!
I need to hit ya!
Give me the hit!
I want to hit ya!
Owwww!!

Where’s Moses?
All right, yeah.
Come on!
Hit me!
Hit me!
Whoo!!
Yeah!
Where’s Moses?
Whoo!
Ahhhhhhhh!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Monologue

…..Jamie Lee Curtis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jamie Lee Curtis!

Jamie Lee Curtis: Thank you. [ the audience can’t stop cheering and applauding ] Far out! Far out! I’ve gotta tell you all it is absolutely great to be here, and I finally have something to do on a Saturday night!

You know, I gotta tell you, one thing I’ve always seem to notice is that audiences expect certain things from certain performers. They always want Steve Martin to say, “I’m a wild and crazy guy!” Right?And you can never hear Springsteen sing, without hearing “Born To Run.” Right?

Male Audience Member: Right!

Jamie Lee Curtis: If you ever see Rodney Dangerfield, you always have to hear him say, “I tell you, I get no respect!” Well.. I know a lot of people out there have seen me in “Halloween” and “The Fog”, and..

[ audience applauds ]

Jamie Lee Curtis: Thank you. And, they’re all expecting me to do one thing. Well.. this is for you:

Aiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

We’ll be right baaaaack!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

A Message From The Mean Majority

…..Denny Dillon
…..Gail Matthius
…..Charles Rocket

[Open on Denny Dillon, Gail Matthius, and Charles Rocket standing behind a gray curtain with angry faces and arms crossed over their chests]

Denny Dillon: [nastily] Hello. We’re speaking to you on behalf of an organization of decent, moral Americans.

Gail Matthius: We’re the folks who listen to the preachers on television to vote conservative. We did, and we won. So, listen up, losers!

Charles Rocket: [snidely]: So, who are we?

Denny Dillon: We’re The Mean Majority. We’re very, very mean.

Gail Matthius: Who are we mean to? Just about everybody.

Charles Rocket: We believe that the vast majority of Americans in their hearts are just like us – mean! [a scroll at the bottom of the screen crawls from right to left with the following list of the “vast majority of Americans”: NEGROES, HOMOSEXUALS, COMMUNISTS, INTELLECTUALS, JEWS, INTELLECTUAL JEWS, NEGRO COMMUNISTS, COMMUNIST HOMOSEXUAL JEWS…]: And these last twenty years of civil rights was just an attempt to be nice.

Gail Matthius: Those days are over!

Denny Dillon: And you know who told us so? [points skyward] He’s like us — mean!

Charles Rocket: He told us to tell you, the television viewers of America, that there are certain TV shows you are not to watch, so you better not! The television shows are…

[SUPER: “Sex In A Condo”]

Denny Dillon: Sex In A Condo.

[SUPER: “Wet T-Shirt Party”]

Charles Rocket: Wet T-Shirt Party.

[SUPER: “Let’s Spit On The Flag”]

Gail Matthius: Let’s Spit On The Flag.

Denny Dillon: And there’s another one. I can’t remember the name, but it’s live.

Charles Rocket: It’s from New York.

Gail Matthius: It’s Saturday Night.

[All three of them smile as we dissolve on opening credits of SNL]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts