Jane Curtin: Welcome to “Looks at Books”. I’m Jane Curtin, and we’regoing to talk to the man who’s written this book.. [ holds book up ]..Mauled. Please welcome Bob Crawford. Bob, why Mauled?
Bob Crawford: [ face is severely scarred ] Because there are over 150 people mauled by bears in this country every year. You know, the media has portrayed the bear as kind of a friendly, jovial character – you got Smokey the Bear, Sugar Bear, Yogi Bear, Boo Boo.. The truth is, that bears are very dangerous animals.
Jane Curtin: Well, I haven’t had time to actually read your book, Bob. But what exactly was your main interest in writing Mauled?
Bob Crawford: Jane, I wanted to warn people about the dangers of feeding marshmallows to grizzly bears.
Jane Curtin: Well, I can see here, from the book jacket, that you put a lot of the blame on the National Park Service. You feel that they’re not doing all they can to protect bear attacks?
Bob Crawford: That’s right, and I have some proposals. First of all, there should be signs posted prominently on all national park entrances, saying, “Do Not Ride the Bears”. Secondly, park rangers should warn campers, if they find bear cubs, leave them alone. Don’t try to dress them up in children’s clothes or swimsuits, what have you. It makes a great picture, but you’re just playing with fire. Third – and I want to emphasize – Never Feed a Marshmallow to a grizzly bear like this: [ places a marshmallow in his mouth and poses wantingly ]
Jane Curtin: Well, thank you for being on “Looks at Books”, Bob. Maybe we’ll have you back sometime. Are you planning on writing another book?
Bob Crawford: Gosh, I certainly hope not.
Jane Curtin: This has been Jane Curtin for “Looks at Books”. Good night.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 4th, 1978 Steve Martin Van Morrison None None Anne Beatts Tom Davis Brian Doyle-Murray Al Franken Rosie Shuster A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tries to convince America that inflation can be its friend. Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter. Transcript
Montage
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin jokes about drugs, then rewards Bill Murray for doing various stunts for the audience’s amusement. Transcript
Elvis Presley’s CoatSummary: The King may be dead, but his coat lives on and is a major hit at concert performances. Transcript
What If?Summary: History professor (Laraine Newman) and flight expert (Garrett Morris) ponder the notion of Elenour Roosevelt (Jane Curtin) flying like a bird during World War 2 combat. Recurring Characters: Franklin Roosevelt, Elenour Roosevelt.
Theodoric of York: Medieval JudgeRecurring Characters: Theodoric of York, Broom Gilda. Transcript
Van Morrison performs “Wavelength”
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Recurring Characters: Diana Ross. Transcript
The Festrunks at the BarSummary: Georg (Steve Martin) and Yortuk (Dan Aykroyd) cruise for swinging chicks (Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin) at a singles bar. Recurring Characters: Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk. Transcript
Nerds in the HospitalRecurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Charles Knerlman, Mrs. Loopner, Grant Robinson Jr. Transcript
Annoying WaiterSummary: A wisecracking waiter (Dan Aykroyd) serves dinner to Steve Martin and Gilda Radner while doing impressions of their characters and routines. Note: Because the show ran long, this sketch ended abruptly. Steve Martin promises to do the sketch again the next time he hosts, which doesn’t happen because Dan Aykroyd left the show at the end of this season. Transcript
[ dissolve to Connie Carlson laughing with her off-camera guest ]
Connie Carson: Hello! And welcome to “Woman to Woman”! I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Today, I’m talking to a woman who, unlike me, does NOT have a career! Who is, in fact, what has so often been called… a mere housewife! Or, as they say in French — a mere managier! Or, as they say in German — a mere hausefrau! I’d like you to meet Mrs. Henry Post! Well, Henry —
Mrs. Post: [ laughing ] No! No, that’s my husband’s name!
Connie Carson: Oh! [ they share the laugh ] Mrs. Post! Uh — here’s a question on the lips of every single woman over 30 years old in America today. They’re asking: “What’s it like to be married?”
Mrs. Post: Well… physically, spiritually — being married is the ultimate. It’s the pinnacle of what a human being can become. Of course, unless you’ve experienced it for yourself — unless you’ve been happily married, in a good relationship, as I have, with someone who loves you as much as my husband loves me — you couldn’t possibly know the… joy! [ she smiles brightly ]
Connie Carson: [ laughing uncomfortably ] Well, let’s backtrack here for a moment, Mrs. Post — how long have you been married?
Mrs. Post: Ohhhh… let’s see. Time flies so fast when you’re happy. Uhh — five years!
Connie Carson: Five years.
Mrs. Post: Yeah!
Connie Carson: Five long years. [ sadistically ] Do you ever regret your decision to commit to ONE person for an ENTIRE lifetime?
Mrs. Post: Oh! Never! Never, never, never, never, never… [ she laughs ] You know, someone like you, someone who’s all alone, uhh — couldn’t possibly understand, but… I an only tell you that being married is probably the most wonderful thing that a peson can experience!
Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth behind her smile ] But, Mrs. Post, don’t you feel there’s a whole WEALTH of experience and careers that you’re missing by TOTAL committment to a marriage?
Mrs. Post: [ she shakes her head ] No.
Connie Carson: [ uncomfortably ] Well — Mrs. Post, do you still have your wedding dress?
Mrs. Post: Yes, I do! [ she laughs ]
Connie Carson: Don’t you think it was a waste to buy a dress that you only used one day?
Mrs. Post: I — I’ve worn it since.
Connie Carson: You had it dyed?
Mrs. Post: No, no — it was off-white.
Connie Carson: Oh! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] Well, you must have had to return A LOT of wedding gifts?
Mrs. Post: Oh, strangely enough, there were NO duplications!
Connie Carson: Really? [ desperately trying to bait Mrs. Post ] Well, you must STILL be answering those Thank-You notes! You must have a lot of those to answer!
Mrs. Post: Well, I think I answered them all, but if there’s anyone I left out, can I take this opportunity to thank them? [ she faces the camera ] Thank you all SO much for the gifts, AND for the anniversary ones as well! Thank you! [ she laughs pleasantly ]
Connie Carson: Uhhh — you know, everyone, tomorrow, October 22nd, is Mother-in-Law Day! [ she laughs sadistically ] I myself, a single woman with a career, don’t have to worry about that! What are you doing about Mother-in-Law Day?
Mrs. Post: You know, my mother-in-law and I get along SO well. She calls me with recipes, I call her with remedies for certain illnesses. There’s a wealth of information being exchanged between two women who love each other.
Connie Carson: [ laughing more uncomfortably than ever ] Laundry! What about his dirty, filthy socks?
Mrs. Post: Oh! [ she laughs ] Sorting socks in a point of meditation for me!
Connie Carson: [ annoyed ] Mrs. Post, have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and the toilet seat is UP?!
Mrs. Post: [ she laughs joyously ] Having grown up in a family with SIX brothers, I ALWAYS check before I sit!
Connie Carson: Come on! Come on, Mrs. Post — after five years, has the romance gone out of your marriage? I mean, no bells are ringing, are they?
Mrs. Post: Let me tell you a little story that happened on my birthday. I was at home, my husband was at home with me, the doorbell rang, and a man appeared at the door with a black coat and a little black cap, and he said, “Mrs. Post, I’m here to take you and your husband on your little trip.” Well, I had no idea. So we went, and we got in the car and we drove up to Connecticut to this BEAUTIFUL inn — it was built about 1810 — and we had a delightful dinner. A wonderful dinner, with wine. Then, we went up to a room, and it was beautifully appointed with antiques and there was a HUGE four-poster bed with wildflowers on the bed table. A blazing fire in the fireplace, and we sat in front of the fire and had hot toddies, and then a GLORIOUS night of passion.
Connie Carson: [ stung ] Was there a bathroom in the room?
Mrs. Post: No. It was down the hall.
Connie Carson: [ pleased at this inconvenience ] Oh. So you had to walk down the hall to the bathroom. [ she smirks ]
Mrs. Post: No. He carried me.
Connie Carson: You see? He had to CARRY her down the hall to the bathroom. THAT’S what married life is, being carried down the hall to the bathroom instead of walking on your own two feet! I’m afraid that’s all the time we have on “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Join us next week, when I’ll be talking to Gloria Steinem, about glasses frames and how to choose them!
[Seated at his desk, NBC president Fred Silverman,wearing a suit and tie, addresses the camera.]
Fred Silverman: Good evening, I’m Fred Silverman. LastJune, when I became president of NBC, I vowed thatthis network would undergo significant changes toreflect what you, the American TV viewer, wanted tosee. In the four months since I’ve been its president,NBC has undertaken the most extensive researchcampaign in the history of television. The resultsindicated that you, the American TV viewer, wantsomething different, a new look — a new look with newfaces. [holds up reams of computer paper] And,surprisingly, in all our data — the Trendex,Arbitron, and Nielsen surveys — all arrows pointed toone person. Over and over again, one man’s name cameup. And that man’s name … is Frank Zappa. [Cheersand applause.] Quite frankly – quite frankly, no onewas more surprised, you know, as I was. I thought it’dbe Tony Orlando. Personally, I stopped following Zappaafter his Mothers Live at the Fillmore album.Although, that burrito thing still makes me laugh.[laughs, quickly recovers] But the American peoplespoke and NBC listened. And I am proud to announcethat we have signed Frank Zappa to a long-term,exclusive contract … [holds up a contract with agigantic “FRANK ZAPPA” signature scribbled across thebottom – cheers and applause] … with the NationalBroadcasting Company. And you’ll be NBCeeing a lot ofFrank. Hey, and I’m not CBSing you, either. Yes, theentire NBC star-making machinery is behind FrankZappa. This January, he’ll be starring in his ownsituation comedy as a high school basketball coach on”The Zappa Wonders.” And here tonight, to unveil NBC’snew look, Frank Zappa! Live from New York, it’sSaturday Night!
Father…..Bill Murray Mother…..Gilda Radner Daughter…..Laraine Newman Mr. Landick…..Garrett Morris Tony Delightful…..John Belushi Marilyn…..Jane Curtin Henry…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on close-up of prisoner Tony Delightful behind bars playing the harmonica ]
[ pull back to reveal that prisoner’s cell is the crawl space beneath a flight of stairs in a suburban home ]
[ reveal Father working on the family budget at a desk in the foreground, as Daughter enters living room holding clothes ]
Daughter: Hi, Dad! We’re back. You owe me for the cleaning!
Father: Hello, sweetheart. Where’s your mother?
Daughter: She’s just sitting out in the car, looking out that little opera window.
[ she opens the closet door, which is chain-locked. Behind the chain appears the head of Mr. Landick ]
Mr. Landick: Hey, kid? Let me out of here. I’m innocent, I swear!
Daughter: [ she rolls her eyes ] I know you are, Mr. Landick. [ she holds up the clothes ] Could you please hang these up back there? And would you get me my sweater?
Mr. Landick: [ pleading ] I was gonna turn the heroin in, but you can NEVER find a parking space at the Narcotics Bureau!
Tony Delightful: Hey, don’t believe him, kid! He knows more lies than F. Lee Bailey!
Mr. Landick: [ holding up sweaters ] Uh — which one you want, the Betty Boop one or the blue one?
Daughter: The blue one.
Mr. Landick: Oh.
Father: [ stands ] Alright, I’ll go get your mother. Honey, don’t fraternize with the convicts. [ he exits through the kitchen ]
Tony Delightful: Hey, kid! Hey! Kid! [ he waves her over ] Kid! Gimme the phone! Get me, uh — San Diego Zoo on the phone! Area code… 7-1-4… 4-2-2…
Daughter: Why are you always calling the San Diego Zoo?
Tony Delightful: It’s my lawyer. He’s, uh — he’s there. Well, I mean, not always — part-time, you know? Sometimes, you know, he’s there. You know? I mean, uh — he likes it there! I mean, it’s — he likes — IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! NOW, JUST GET HIM ON THE PHONE!! Ask for Bejamin Latella! Come on!!
Mr. Landick: Can no one hear the dwarf crying out in the wilderness?
Tony Delightful: AH, SHUT UP!!! You’re not in no wilderness! You’re in the hall closet! It’s a HELL of a lot better than being locked up under the stairs!! At least you get to try on hats!!
[ Father and mother re-enter the living room ]
Father: I found a few more! I just got the list of state prisoners you can apply for, look at this. Here! Hit and Run, first offense — now, we could lock him in the guest closet, there’s already a lock on it. And here: a hijacker, elderly — we can stick him in the butler’s pantry! This is so perfect!
Mother: Now, look, honey! You’re not the one who has to TAKE CARE of them!! [ hands clothes to daughter ] Alright… take this upstairs, dear. [ to Tony Delightful ] Alright, here’s your laundry. [ opens the cell door and hands clothes to Tony Delightful ] I couldn’t get that tomato paste stain outr of your shirt — why don’t you be more careful with your dinner?
Tony Delightful: Well, Mrs. B., how about giving us something else to eat it with, besides, uh, Dixie Cup spoons, huh?
Mother: [ she locks his cell ] Ah, Tony!
Mr. Landick: Yeah, like, who do we have to know to get some real home cookin’? You know what I’m talking about?
[ she slams the closet door on him ]
Father: For Pete’s sake, look at this! We could hire a maid to look after them! Look! The state pays $1,800 a month — for each prisoner we take off their hands. We put in two more, and that’s $9,000 and change!
Mother: Well, honey… NO!!! And I’m not too thrilled about that semi-rehabilitated arsonist we got upstairs in the linen closet! I mean — I mean, why don’t you just help out with some of the chores around here, or something?!
Tony Delightful: Hey! I could take out the garbage!
Mr. Landick: Don’t let him! He will STEAL IT!
Mother: Ahh! [ she slams the closet door shut again ]
Daughter: [ she re-opens the closet door ] Mr. Landick? On the floor back across there, there’s a scarf. Could you get me one that would go with this sweater?
Mr. Landick: [ he hands her a scarf ] There you go!
Mother: Tony! [ she picks up a package ] Did you send away for this welding kit? C.O.D.?!
Tony Delightful: No, no… uh… it was a CONTEST! Uh… I must have won it! Yeah, that’s it! Uh… ME, who never wins anything! [ he laughs ]
Mother: Well, don’t you lie to me! [ she pulls the package away ]
Tony Delightful: Alright. What are you gonna do, overcook my rice?
Father: [ upset ] And look at this phone bill, for $58 worth of calls to San Diego! Who the hell keeps calling San Diego?!
Mr. Landick: I… don’t know anybody… in San Diego.
[ Father lunges at Mr. Landick and slams the clost door ]
[ the doorbell rings ]
Mother: Oh, that door! Who could that be? [ she answers the door ] Yes? May I help you?
Marilyn: Yeah, they — they told me — I’m looking for Tony Delightful. I was next door, and they said you had him?
Mother: Well, I’m sorry, honey. Visiting hours aren’t ’til after doing the dinner dishes. You’ll just have to sit down here for a second [ to Father ] Honey, she’s here to see Tony?
Father: Okay, fine, fine…
Mr. Landick: [ peeking out of the closet again ] Hey, lady. This is me. The only thing I’m guilty of is loving well… not wisely.
Mother: [ sarcastically ] Oh, you’re breaking my heart. [ she slams the closet door on him ]
[ Marilyn crosses over to Tony’s cell ]
Marilyn: Hi, Tony!
Tony Delightful: Hi, uh — Marilyn. How you been?
Marilyn: Good. Whatcha been doing?
Tony Delightful: Oh, I’ll show ya. [ he picks up a license plate ] Look.
Marilyn: [ impressed ] You made that?!
Tony Delightful: Oh, no, uh — you see, I scraped off “78”. I’m gonna put on “79”. You know, uh, I do it for the cars.
Marilyn: Do you, uh, work in the laundry?
Tony Delightful: No, no — we send it off to the dry cleaners.
Marilyn: Well, uh — how have you been?
Tony Delightful: Aw… I’ve been here. What can I tell ya’? It beats Attica. But it’s not as nice as the Montenaro’s, so…
Marilyn: Montenaro’s?
Tony Delightful: Yeah. You remember that elderly couple I did 2 to 5 with? On Route 62.
Marilyn: Tony, when do you think you’re gonna get out of here?
Tony Delightful: [ whispering ] Me and Landick are gonna bust out of here the next time sher serves lasagna. We’re gonna break off the edges and let it harden, use it as a saw.
[ Marilyn is impressed ]
[ a loud banging can be heard upstairs, as Daughter comes rushing down the stairs ]
Mother: What’s going on up there?
Daughter: The one in the linen closet is rioting!
[ Father jumps out of his chair, as Mother pulls out a bullhorn ]
Mother: HOME EMERGENCY!! HOME EMERGENCY!! ALL PRISONERS’ PRIVILEGES MUST BE TERMINATED!! [ scooping up Marilyn ] I’m sorry, honey, you’re gonna have to get out of here!
[ Marilyn is shoved out of the door, as Mr. Landick begins to shout ]
Mother: [ to Daughter ] What does he want?!
Daughter: They want more room! They want to be moved to the guest bathroom!
Father: [ rushes forward, angry ] What’s wrong with the linen closet?!
Daughter: I don’t know…
Father: Well… what’s he have?
Mother: Well, he has our linen, he has our towels, he has our sheets — oh, heck! He has my mother’s lace tablecloth! [ she holds up the bullhorn ] I’M COMING UP THERE TO NEGOTIATE!! [ linens are thrown down at her ] Watch out! Watch out!
[ Mother rushes up the stairs and screams ]
Father: How long does he think he can hold out?
Tony Delightful: There goes OUR towels and sheets, TOO, you know!!
Father: Alright, Henry! We can sleep on dirty sheets longer than you can go without, young man!!
Tony Delightful: Well, I can’t!! I hate dirty sheets and smelly towels!! We’re with you, Henry!! [ he grabs a china cup and begins to rattle the cell bars ]
[ Mr. Landick begins to throw clothes out of the closet ]
[ Father slams the closet door on Mr. Landick, then rushes toward Tony Delightful ]
Father: And that is our BEST china!! That was a wedding gift!! [ to Daughter ] Alright, get the hose!! Get the hose, hurry up!! [ to his prisoners ] All this is going on your record!! You’re gonna be changing license plates until 2001!! [ he rushes upstairs ]
Tony Delightful: Yeah, well, be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because they’re the same people you’re gonna meet on the way down!! HA HA HA!!!
[ Daughter appears from the kitchen, struggling to pull the garden hose into the living room ]
[ Mother comes down the stairs dragging prisoner Henry by his ear ]
Mother: Don’t you have any manners?! The way you messed up my linene closet, you pig! You best get on out of here, I never want to see you again! Get going! [ she kicks Henry out of the front door ] Get out! Get out of here!
[ Father rushes back downstairs, as Tony Delightful smashes the china cup to the floor ]
Mother: Oh, no! Look at my good china! What are you doing, yoooooouuuu pig!! [ she unlocks his cell ] How was you brought up?! [ she yanks him by the ear and pulls him toward the front door ] Don’t you know what’s good for you?! Just get right out of my house this instant!! [ she shoves him out the door, as Father kicks him in the rear end ] I’m sick of you, you old thing!
[ Mother rushes toward the closet ]
Mother: And YOU, Mr. Closet!! [ she unlocks the closet and thrusts the door open ] You just get yourself right out of there right now!! Where were you brought up, on a farm?! Just get going!! [ she shoves Mr. Landick out the front door ] GOOOO!!!
[ Father and Mother slump on the stairwell and adjust to the sudden silence permeating the house, until at last: ]
Father: [ meekly ] Could we get a dog?
[ Mother crinkles her face ]
[ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next… Panty Raid on Entebbe” ]
(The film opens with a shot of the Empire State Building. Camera pans down to the street level where a Taxi cab pulls up. Mr. Hands opens the door and the title curtain is revealed.)
Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!
(curtain rises to show Mr. Bill and Spot)
Mr. Bill: Ho ho, kiddies! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today because Spot and I are moving into our newpenthouse apartment. Yay! And here’s our moving man, Mr. Hands! Yay!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill. What do you think of the outside?
Mr. Bill: Oh what a beautiful building! Are you sure we can afford it?
Mr. Hands: Oh sure.
(cut to the inside of the apartment)
Mr. Bill: Oh and what a beautiful interior. Nice shade too.
Mr. Hands: (places Mr. Bill on the armchair.) Well make yourself at home and prop your feet up. (pushes Mr. Bill into the chair, breaking him up.)
Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t sit so well. No, Noooooooooooo!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, we better clean up before the interior decorator gets here. I’ll vacuum. (aims a vacuum at Mr. Bill’s left arm.)
Mr. Bill: No but it looks fine to me. No, no, no (the vacuum rips Mr. Bill’s arm out) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! (a knock on the door is heard.)
Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo.) Oh just in time because here comes the interior decorator.
Mr. Bill: Oh yaaay! Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!
Mr. Hands: No it’s Interior Decorator Sluggo. And he says you just must have a nice dog skin rug! (uses a rolling pin to roll Spot into the carpet)
Mr. Bill: Oh no! But I don’t want a dogskin, No! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: Now for some new furniture and Sluggo says this table will fit perfectly. (places a broken table)
Mr. Bill: No, Mr. Hands. But it only has three legs.
Mr. Hands: Oh, well then, it’s time for home repairs! Don’t worry, I’ll fix it. (reaches for Mr. Bill’s left leg.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, my leg! Noooooooooo! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: (Using Mr. Bill’s leg to fix the table) There. Hardly even wobbles. Now we have to coordinate the colors because Sluggo says this shade will never do. (Places a fuschia colored paint can) We’ll have to repaint it.
Mr. Bill: I don’t like fuschia! No!
Mr. Hands: But it creates such a stylish effect! (uses a paint roller to paint the carpet, Mr. Bill and the wall.)
Mr. Bill: No, no nooooooooo! I don’t like it! I don’t like it!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill! We got some paint on you. We’re going to have to wash your clothes. (takes Mr. Bill to a laundromat)
Mr. Bill: Oh but you know I can’t wash my clothes, Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: (throws Mr. Bill in the washer) Sure we’ll wash your stains away! (places the quarters in and starts the washer) So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says so long!
(curtain falls)
[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Day the Earth Slowed Down Considerably” ]
[Dissolve to Frank Zappa, hands on hips,shoulder-length hair, walrus moustache, etc. He runsto home base, grabs a microphone off a handy stool andencourages the audience’s applause.]
Frank Zappa: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you — and,remember, I’m reading this off these cards underneaththis camera here. [reads off the cue cards] Thank you!It’s an awesome responsibility being selected out ofmillions of people to become the banner of NBC’s newlook. God, I hope I’m good! Tonight, we’d like to do asong about an important social problem, disco. Itdeals with lonely people with no natural rhythmimpinging on each other in the darkness. It’s called”Dancing Fool”! [shouts to the band] One, two, three,four … !
[The band comes crashing in and Zappa sings:]
I don’t know much about dancin’ That’s why I got this song One of my legs is shorter than the other ‘N’ both my feet’s too long ‘Course now right along with ’em Got no natural rhythm But I go dancin’ every night Hopin’ one day I might get it right
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I hear that beat, I jump outa my seat, But I can’t compete, ’cause I’m a Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
Disco folks all dressed up Like they’s fit to kill I walk on in ‘n’ see ’em there Gonna give them all a thrill When they see me comin’ They all steps aside They has a fit while I commit My social suicide
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
The beat goes on And I’m so wro-ong The beat goes on And I’m so wro-ong The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong I may be totally wrong, but I’m a Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I may be totally wrong, but I’m a Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
[bares his shoulder, spreads his legs and gyratesarrhythmically]
I got it all together now With my very own disco clothes, hey! My shirt’s half open t’ show you my chain ‘N’ the spoon for up in my nose I am really somethin’ That’s what you’d prob’ly say So smoke your little smoke Drink your little drink While I dance the night away
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool He’s a dancin’ fool
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a I may be totally wrong, but I’m a I may be totally wrong, but I’m a I may be totally wrong, but I’m a fool, yeah!
[As the music continues, Zappa speaks to an attractiveyoung woman sitting in the front row of the audience.]
Say, darling, can I buy ya a drink? Come here.
[Zappa extends a hand to her – she takes it and, toher astonishment, he guides her up onto home basewhere he hits on her:]
I mean, are you looking for Mister Goodbar? Wait aminute. I’ve got it. You’re an Italian! You’re Jewish?[Woman shakes her head.] Love your nails. You must bea Libra. [Woman shakes her head. The music endsabruptly just as Zappa asks:] Your place or mine?
Woman: [shrugs, uncertainly] Mine. [laughs]
Frank Zappa: Okay! Let’s go!
[Zappa puts his arm around her and they walk off stagetogether as the audience cheers and applauds.]
Frank Zappa: Well. We’ve come to the, uh, end of our show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And, actually — [ Laraine Newman comes running up on stage, dressed as Sunshine ] Ohh! It’s so nice to see you! [ Dan Aykroyd joins her, dressed as Jason ] Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like — friends of Chevy Chase, Inc.
Dan Aykroyd: Just acting calm, man!
Frank Zappa: Crash up here — I used to sleep here. [ the rest of the cast arrives on stage ] Everybody else! [ he shakes each cast member’s hand as they arrive ] Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. [ Father Guido Sarducci climbs on stage ] Good night. [ Franken and Davis climb on stage ] Good night. Good night. [ he peers into the audience ] Aw, come on! Good night!
[ the credits begin to roll ]
Announcer: Join us November 4th, when Steve Martin returns to “Saturday Night Live”, with special guest Van Morrison. This is your old announcer, Don Pardo, saying: “Good night!”
Pete Tagliani/Himself…..Al Franken Winfield Adcock/Himself…..Tom Davis
[ open on animated “The Franken & Davis Show” title card ]
Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve to Al and Tom standing on stage ]
Al Franken: Thank you, thank you! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It’s GREAT to be back!
Tom Davis: That’s right. And, tonight, we’d like to stick our necks out a little bit on national television, and call for a violent overthrow of the United States government! [ he bows, as the audience applauds ]
Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you! You see, besides being a professional comedy team, Tom and I are international Communist revolutionaries… and we believe that nothing can really be changed in this country, through the Democratic process! [ brief applause ] Oh, thank you! We’re glad a lot of you feel that way!
Tom Davis: Right you are, Al. You see, in a Capitalist society, anybody who’s running for public office is automatically corrupted by… well, instead of telling… why don’t we show you?
[ dissolve to “TAGLIANI: He’ll Slash Taxes” screen ]
Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement by the Tagliani for Congress Committee.
[ dissolve to Al as Tagliani, seated at desk ]
Pete Tagliani: Hi! I’m Pete Tagliani! I want you to help me unseat Winfield Adcock in the upcoming Fifth Congressional election, so I can go to Washington to slash taxes! Now, HOW am I gonna slash taxes? By making the FAT CATS pay their fair share! Now, I have here… [ he holds up a folder ] Winfield Adcock’s 1968 tax return! A year in which he earned over $400,000… but paid… [ he looks ] twenty-six cents in income tax. Now this FAT CAT is RIPPING you off! And I say it’s time we send a man to Washington… who’s gonna work for the hardworking taxpayer like you! And I say… I’m that man. So vote for me: Pete Tagliani. You’ll be glad you did!
[ fade to black, come up on “ADCOCK: He Hates High Taxes” screen ]
Announcer: The following is a paid political message by the We Need Adcock Committee.
[ dissolve to Tom as Adcock, seated in chair ]
Winfield Adcock: Hello. I’m Congressman Winfield Adcock, your reprsentative from the Fifth District, and this year I’m running for re-election. Already, my opponent, Pete [ purposefully mispronounced ] Tag-li-o-ni… has stooped to the lowest level of mudslinging, by accusing ME of financial misconduct. [ reaches for a folder marked EVIDENCE ] Well, I have here… documented evidence proving my innocence. It is indeed surprising to hear charges — SCURRILOUS charges — such as these, coming from a man who’s himself of low moral character! Mr. Tag-li-o-ni controls all of the city’s massage parlors and porno houses, a position he’s gained through his lifelong connections with the mob and the recording industry! I say vote for me, Winfield Adcock! I hate high taxes!
[ fade to black, come up on Tagliani reading a law book, with SUPER: “TAGLIANI: Honesty and Integrity” ]
Pete Tagliani: [ he looks up ] Hi! I’m Pete Tagliani! My FAT CAT opponent, Winfield Adcock, has accused me of having ties with organized crime and the recording industry! Yuo know, charges of immorality seems strange coming from a man who is himself an ADULTERER! Now, I have here… pictures of my opponent engaged in sexual relations with my sister-in-law! [ reveal photo slides of Adcock naked in bed with woman ] My sister-in-law, Angelina Tagliani — who, by the way, is happily married to my brother, Mario Tagliani. Now, do we want this SCOUNDREL embarrassing us?! Perhaps running around NUDE in the House of Represenatives? I don’t think so! So vote for me, Pete Tagliani! You’ll be glad you did!
[ fade to black, come up on Adcock sweating as he stands behind his chair, with SUPER: “ADCOCK: An Honest Man” ]
Winfield Adcock: Hello. I’m Congressman Winfield Adcock. My opponent, Pete Tag-li-o-ni has further lowered himself to the gutter, by intimating that I am guilty of marital infidelity! Well, I am prepared to submit myself to a lie detector examination and answer ANY questions concerning my public or private life! Desperate, slanderous swipes such as these can be expected, perhaps from a man who is hostile towards women! I have here a photograph of my opponent in the washroom of a local restaurant making an advance at my nephew! [ reveal photo slide ] A HOMOSEXUAL is a PERFECT target for a Communist blackmail regime, but there’s NO room for them in Congress! I say vote for me, Winfield Adcock! An honest man!
[ fade to black, come up on Tagliani seated behind his desk, with SUPER: “TAGLIANI: He’s not the Liar” ]
Pete Tagliani: [ he looks up ] Hi! I’m Pete Tagliani! [ holding folder marked “RESULTS” ] I have here the results of a lie detector test by opponent submitted to last week! According to these results, he LIED on every one of the 32 of the questions! Why, his name isn’t even Adcock! Not only is this man a LIAR, but… unfortunately, Mr. Adcock is inflicted with the dreaded disease of alcoholism. Fortunately, I have here a picture of Adcock coming out of a sleazy bar! [ reveal photo ] Now, do we want this man stumbling around the halls of Congress? Perhaps vomiting in the House chambers? I know I don’t! So vote for me, Pete Tagliani! You’ll be glad you did!
[ fade to black, come up on Adcock sitting slumped in his chair, with SUPER: “ADCOCK” ]
Winfield Adcock: [ slurring ] Hello, Winfield Adcock! A couple of weeks ago, the results of a lie detector test made a lot of headlines across the city! And I know what everyone in Congress is saying — I’ve got my problems like everybody else! But that won’t keep me from being the best damn Congressman this city has ever seen! [ reaches for folder marked “SOLID EVIDENCE” ] Now, I have here solid evidence… that my opponent, Pete Tag-li-o-ni, in 1969, was involved in a series of gangland slayings! I’ve requested that this… [ slurs his words so badly even he doesn’t know what he’s saying ] We are bringing… crippled charges… against this man… to get this murderer off our streets! I say, let the records speal for — [ looks ofscreen, as Tagliani rushes in ] TAGLIONI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
[ Tagliani stick a gun in Adcock’s ribs, fires, then rushes back off screen ]
[ fade to black, come up on “Franken & Davis” title card ]
Announcer: The “Franken & Davis Show” was brought to you by: The International Communist Party. The International Communist Party: We’re Working For You In Africa. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
Beldar Conehead … Dan Aykroyd Prymaat Conehead … Jane Curtin Connie Conehead … Laraine Newman … Frank Zappa
[Living room of the suburban home of the Coneheads, anextraterrestrial family from the planet Remulak tryingto fit unobtrusively into middle class America. Thefather, Beldar Conehead, enters through the front doorcarrying a briefcase.]
Beldar: [nasal robotic voice] Honey, I’mhome!
[Cheers and applause as Beldar removes themulticolored stocking cap he is wearing to reveal hisunnaturally large hairless head shaped like a cone.SUPER: THE CONEHEADS AT HOME – He puts down and hisbriefcase and takes off his coat. He wears ordinaryAmerican clothes but with a small silver cape tiedaround his neck and shoulders. His wife, Prymaat,enters from kitchen carrying a tray. She, too, has acone-shaped head and wears a silver cape. She andBeldar greet each other with a stiff bow, touchingcones in the process. They sit on the sofa. Prymaatsets down her tray, which holds six-packs of beer andbags of potato chips. Beldar loosens his necktie andpartakes of the beer.]
Beldar: The relation of the earth’s axis toits sun is most noticeable today.
Prymaat: Yes, it’s colder than a larthgor’smib. Beldar, we must maintain our lawn spaces to ourhuman neighbors. You must collect the fallen treeparticles.
Beldar: There is no human custom which saysthe female spousal unit may not collect the treeparticles.
Prymaat: [angrily] But I was the one whoinstalled the exterior transparent weather panels!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
[Teen daughter Connie, in school uniform, enters anddrops off her school books. Like her parents, shespeaks with a nasal robotic voice, wears a silver capeand has a huge cone head.]
[Connie reluctantly joins her parents on thesofa.]
Prymaat: You must consume mass quantities.
Connie: No! I have a date. I must prepare mycone.
Prymaat: Mebs! You had a date last night!Beldar, it is vital that you address our young one.
Beldar: Connie, we are concerned with theincreasing frequency of your nocturnal interactionwith the humans.
Connie: Do not be concerned. I can handlemyself.
Beldar: Good. You know, Connie, Prymaat and Iare not completely unaware of the problems whichpresent themselves to you as a young, attractive coneon this miserable planet.
Connie: Oh, boy. You’re not going to relateyour life tales about the Arzoolians again?
Prymaat: No, but realize that when I was youngI lived with my parental units on the planet Garnep inthe Krint belts. All during this time not oneGarneepian laid a tendril on my cone. So that on theday when Beldar and I had our langthoos joined byShebvar the Relentless, I presented Beldar with anunhoned cone.
Beldar: Mmmm, and it heightened thesenso-experience for both of us.
Prymaat: We did not leave our Guzz Module forthree whole dreeodes.
Prymaat and Beldar: Mmmm!
Beldar: And, except for those two flathragsfrom Meepzor, it was my first time as well.
Prymaat: [rises, angrily] Flathrags! You nevertold me about flathrags from Meepzor!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: [rises, defensively] Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
Beldar: Mebs!
Prymaat: Mebs!
[Doorbell rings. Connie rises, upset.]
Connie: Ohhhh! My date! I have not prepared mycone! Parental units, please greet the human! [Connierushes up the stairs, exiting. Beldar and Prymaat movestiffly to the front door, reluctantly.]
Beldar and Prymaat: [with great disgust]Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
[Beldar and Prymaat open the door to revealwalrus-mustached musician Frank Zappa who wears atrench coat, sunglasses and a fedora.]
Beldar: Greetings.
Prymaat: Enter.
[Zappa enters to cheers and applause and removes hisglasses.]
Frank Zappa: Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs.,uh, Conehead.
Beldar: Yes. Correct. Your name?
Frank Zappa: Frank Zappa.
Prymaat: What is your function on this planet?
Frank Zappa: I am a musician. And I’m giving aconcert. [Zappa breaks character and talks to cue cardpeople] No, that should be out there — it shouldn’tbe in there. Oh, yeah, and – [back to scene] AndConnie is my special guest.
Beldar: Concert?
Prymaat: Concert. A voluntary gathering ofhumans to absorb sound patterns.
Beldar: Prymaat, assist our young one while Icommunicate with this human.
[Prymaat exits.]
Beldar: [with a grand gesture, to Zappa] Iinvite you to consume mass quantities.
[Beldar and Zappa move stiffly to the sofa and sit.Zappa watches Beldar pick up an entire six-pack ofbeer and take a swig. Zappa imitates him. Beldar tearsopen a bag of potato chips and stuffs a large handfulinto his mouth. Zappa imitates him. The two men,mouths full of chips and beer, pause to give eachother a wary look. Cheers and applause.]
Beldar: So, Zappa! Where did you meet…..?
[Zappa spits out the beer and chips onto the floor andtries to deliver his line but he and the audiencebegin laughing.]
Frank Zappa: Excuse me!
Beldar: Zappa!
Frank Zappa: Yeah?
Beldar: Where – where did you meet our youngone?
Frank Zappa: I spotted her in the front rowlast night and I knew she was really special.
Beldar: Naturally, as a parental unit, I amconcerned with whom our young one interacts.
Frank Zappa: Well, Connie told me where you’recoming from … [breaks up laughing] And I realizethat as French people you must be very wary ofAmericans. Don’t worry, I used to have a French personin the band and I know I can take good care of her.
Beldar: Good.
[Connie and Prymaat enter. Connie now wears muchsexier outfit than earlier. She also has a headbandaround her cone along with her silver cape.]
Frank Zappa: Hi, Connie.
Connie: [coquettishly] Hi, Frank. [Zappa risesand joins Connie, putting his arm around her waist]Oh, excuse my parental units if they have presentedyou with square doctrines.
Frank Zappa: No, they’re – they’re not square,they’re okay.
[Beldar and Prymaat stand together opposite Connie andFrank.]
Prymaat: [holds a vinyl copy of Zappa’s recordalbum, Studio Tan] Connie has many of these discswhich are gifts from this human.
Beldar: [takes the album, holds it up,impressed] You? Produce these?
Frank Zappa: Yes, this is a collection – anunauthorized collection – of my latest sound patterns.
Beldar: I, Beldar, approve. Au revoir.
[Arm in arm, Zappa and Connie head for the frontdoor.]
Prymaat: Return at the pre-designated timecoordinates!
Connie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank Zappa: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs.Conehead!
[Zappa and Connie exit. Beldar and Prymaat inspect thealbum.]
Beldar: Mmmmm. [Beldar rips open the cardboardjacket and removes the vinyl record] What finecompressed petroleum binding polymers!
[Prymaat and Beldar each take a couple of bites out ofthe record and chew the crunchy vinylnoisily.]
Air Date:
Summary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tries to convince America that inflation can be its friend.
Summary: Steve Martin jokes about drugs, then rewards Bill Murray for doing various stunts for the audience’s amusement.
Summary: The King may be dead, but his coat lives on and is a major hit at concert performances.
Summary: History professor (Laraine Newman) and flight expert (Garrett Morris) ponder the notion of Elenour Roosevelt (Jane Curtin) flying like a bird during World War 2 combat.
Recurring Characters: Theodoric of York, Broom Gilda.
Summary: 
Summary: Georg (Steve Martin) and Yortuk (Dan Aykroyd) cruise for swinging chicks (Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin) at a singles bar.
Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Charles Knerlman, Mrs. Loopner, Grant Robinson Jr.
Summary: A wisecracking waiter (Dan Aykroyd) serves dinner to Steve Martin and Gilda Radner while doing impressions of their characters and routines.
