Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Lucille Ball…..Gilda Radner
Gary Morton…..Alan Zweibel
…..Dan Aykroyd

Jane Curtin: Wonder Woman’s bra returned to Brooklyn Navy yard. This, and other stories, on “Weekend Update”, coming up next.

[ dissolve out ]

[ fade up ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Bleu Balls, the cheese snack from France. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight:

The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [ audience cheers ] Though thrilled about today’s victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodger team, and immediately instated Billy Martin as the Dodger manager for the rest of the Series.

Even though thye were told that they would not be able to consummate their marriage, James Earl Ray, confessed killer of Martin Luther King, Jr., and Anna Sandhu, a 32-year old divorcee, married Friday in a small prison ceremony. Later, when Ray was told what the word “consummate” means, he flew into a rage and had to be restrained by prison guards.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Hey, now there’s a lot of hard news going down this week, I guess. But the story that really caught my eye was the Ian Smith visit. Now, he’s the President or Prime Minister — whatever — of Rhodesia. I don’t know. And there’s a WAR going on over there, which bothers me. Now, I hard that the U.S. government didn’t want to let Smith in the country, and I thought, “Well, this guy’s been discriminating against Blacks for so long — I hear it’s like ten or twenty years or darkie jokes, the whole business. But HE is against what this country STANDS for, and we don’t do that here. Let’s keep him out! Well, then they decided to let him in, and I thought, “Well, wait a second… if this country does stand for one thing, it’s freedom of speech. Numero Uno, Bill of Rights — look it up. I don’t know if it is Uno, but it should be. Anyway, it’s in there, in the Uno to Dias, somewhere.

Anyway, even if this guy is a Communist, a Nazi, or what — he deserves to say his piece. So then he arrives here, and he’s got a Black guy with him, and I keep saying to myself, “Well, maybe things have changed. This guy’s turned over new leaf.” So, I go to my source on these things, and I say, “Hey, Garrett… what the HELL is my position gonna be on this Rhodesia thing?” And he says, “Bill, I don’t know.” And if HE doesn’t know, and he’s Black… how am I supposed to know? So I guess this is one of those hard news war stories where you just don’t know what’s what yet. so let’s move on to a new feature, huh?

And now, a new feature on “Weekend Update”, I think you’re going to enjoy this: Bill Murray’s Celebrity Corner. That’s right, I feel this will add a warm touch to the hard news, because today we have with us a very special guest, who’s asked to come on and help me launch this new feature. This is the beautiful — the First Lady of Television herself — Lucille Ball and her husband Gary Morton. [ they appear on the monitor ] Lucy? Thanks again for coming on Celebrity Corner.

Lucille Ball: Well… thank you for having me, Bill. And I certainly want to wish you good luck. [ she takes a drag from a cigarette ]

Bill Murray: I know you do, Lucy. You look WONDERFUL! And, so do you, Gary. But, uh, let me ask you this: How are Fred and Ethel?

Lucille Ball: Fred is dead.

Bill Murray: [ confused ] Freddie’s dead?

Lucille Ball: That’s what I said. Bill Frawley died a while ago.

Bill Murray: Well, forgive me, Lucy, honey, but we — we’ve been having a newspaper strike here in New York, and, uh, I didn’t even know he was sick. Lucy? Could you perform for us?

Lucille Ball: Biiilll…

Bill Murray: Come on! Just a little Lucy-ism!

Lucille Ball: No, Bill, really…

Bill Murray: [ grabbing his lip ] Lucyyyy! Come on, Lucyyyy! Alright, this is the scene: You’re working in a bakery, and the conveyor belt starts to go too fast, all the cupcakes end up on the floor, and you’re so upset that you go…

Lucille Ball: [ taking her cue ] Aaaaahhhhhhh!! [ she then takes another drag on her cigarette ]

Bill Murray: [ laughing ] Ha! JUst the way I remember it! Isn’t that great! It’s incredible! You know, honey — it is that physical schtick that was always your trademark, Lucy. Let me ask you this: Is there anything to the rumor that you and Desi will remarry? Personally, I would love to see it happen.

Lucille Ball: No, Bill. Desi was a loser! A very talented man, but he felt he had to lose. Gary’s a winner. [ Gary grins ]

Bill Murray: Just one more question, Lucy: What’s in the future for Lucy? Will she do another TV show or a movie?

Lucille Ball: No, Bill. I’m very happy as I am. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, two extremely untalented children who I love, and peace of mind. I’m content just to sit in my car with Rose-Marie and talk about how time has ravaged our faces.

Bill Murray: Well, thank you very much, Lucy, for being wih us here on Celebrity Corner. [ they fade from the monitor ] Hey! Well, that was the first Celebrity Corner, and a damn good one, I think. [ the audience applauds ] I loved it! I loved that one. How about you, Jane?

[ Jane smirks without saying a word ]

Jane Curtin: While the newspaper strike continues in New York City, rumors are still the major source of information. So, for you New Yorkers, we want to dispel the following rumors: Allen Funt will not pitch the fifth game of tomorrow’s World Series, Rhodesian Prime Minister Ian Smith was not seen dancing with Ed Sullivan in Studio 54, and Betty Ford’s facelift was not performed by Sid Vicious.In the wake of revelations that high-ranking Soviet defector Arkady Shevchenko gave gifts of $40,000 in cash and a $13,000 sports car to Judy Chavez, a 22-year old woman who worked for a Washington escort service, a State Department official announced today that over 700 Soviet hookers have defected to the U.S. in the last three days. They will be debriefed at the CIA Debriefing Center at the Mustang Ranch in Reno, Nevada.Well, the motives behind the recent kidnapping of country music star Tammy Wynette were finally divulged today. The suspect’s plan was to force Tammy to record a hit album against her will. The soon-to-be-released LP will feature Tammy’s new single: “Take the Ribbon From My Hair and Twist it Round My Neck.”This just in from Rome: The entire College of Cardinals died in their sleep last night. [ the audience cheers and applauds ] In an unprecedented move, the Brooklyn High School of Music and Art will elect the new Pope. Just kidding! [ she laughs uproariously ] Bill?Bill Murray: [ impressed ] I got that, by the way, Jane.Punk-rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night killing of his girlfriend. Vicious’ lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from “Sid Vicious” to “Sidney, Not Such A Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him”.

[ glancing off screen ] I see you’ve got a special guest over there, Jane.

Jane Curtin: That’s right, Bill. This week we’d like to introduce an old co-worker in a new Weekend Updatesegment, an editorial comment by our station manager. Here is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: [wearing gray suit and eyeglasses – grim, intense and fast] Thank you, Jane. Good evening. Well, it’s football season again, we’re right in the middle of it. And as usual every team’s crew of femalecheerleaders’ providing the same supportive histrionics from the sidelines. However, this year, there are less cheers and more leers and it’s the fans in the stands who do the leering at the girls who do the cheering because this season these cheer ladies are more nudely, more lewdly, more crudely attired than ever.

Now, I suppose a modicum of enthusiasm from the sidelines helps the morale of the team and supporters and it’s not the maintenance of team spirit I take issue with. Rather, I’m objecting to three specific elements of these cheerleading displays and here they are, from the ground up.

One, vinyl boots. The nudity of a young woman’s leg is more than enough. A skintight red or white vinyl bootprovides the already natural sensual shape of a woman’s calf with a most unnecessary enhancement.

Two, the gap. That is, the intentional use of tight-fitting short shorts as an engineering device to distinctly exaggerate the external perimeters of a female’s vagina. The deliberate display of this vortex, in my mind, has nothing to do with football or any other sport.

Three, the ripple or bounce. By this I mean the consciously designed exposure of the upper mammalial carriage, an exposure at times so extensive that on particularly cold or windy days, the embossment of the small bumps surrounding the aureola is clearly visible through binoculars from any seat in the stadium.

Can the game go on without the boots, the gap and the ripple? I think so. So, cover up, girls, or get off the field and let the boys play ball. This is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Thank you.

[Applause. Cut to a wide shot of Dan, Jane and Bill. On the Chroma-Key screen between Jane and Bill is an image of a globe. A giant hand reaches into view and spins the globe.]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Two Guys Who Are Lawyers

Daughter…..Laraine Newman
Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Bill Murray
Jerry…..Dan Aykroyd
Art…..Fred Willard
Surgeon…..John Belushi
James Meredith…..Garrett Morris
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner

[ open on family members, all wearing neck braces, sitting around the kitchen table ]

Daughter: Aw, Mom! Sandwiches again?!

Mother: You know your father doesn’t have a high school diploma.

Father: And even if I did have a better job, what good would it do? We’ve all been laid up since the auto accident.

Mother: And these braces took most of our savings.

Daughter: But the accident wasn’t our fault! We should have SUED that guy! Shouldn’t we have hired a lawyer?

Father: Sure! But how?

[ zoom out, as Jerry is superimposed onto the scene ]

Jerry: How many times has this happened to you: You’re sitting with your family in a parked car, a drunken man without insurance or a license deliberately hits you broadside and lays you up indefinitely? You feel you have a claim, but just don’t know where to go. “Lawyers are expensive,” you say? Not when you come to Two Guys Who Are Lawyers, the discount law firm.

[ Art steps forward, grinning widely ]

Art: Tell them, Jerry!

Jerry: Sure, Art! Now that attorneys can advertise, we ask you to shop around, and you will agree that we Two Guys undersell all our competitors and give you the BEST legal services for your money!

[ reveal exterior of their storefront in strip mall ]

[ cut to Steven Kipnis, M.D. testimonial ]

Surgeon: I’m a surgeon. A steady hand is my livelihood. One day, my steady hand accidentally replaced a patient’s kidney with a telephone. I went to the Two Guys. [ he grins sheepishly ]

[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]

Art: Is that it, Jerry?

Jerry: Not in the least, Art! No matter what your case is… we want to be of service… to you! Our staff is composed of trained, courteous, and friendly individuals who are experts in corporate tax, divorce criminal entertainment, and constitutional law.

[ cut to James Meredith testimonial ]

James Meredith: I have always wanted to attend the University of Mississippi. But, as a Black man, I found its doors closed to me. Then somebody told me about the Constitution department — LAW department — that the Two Guys had. They helped me get into Ole Miss. Now… I’ve got my Master’s! Thanks, guys!

[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]

Art: That MUST be it, Jerry?

Jerry: No, not yet, Art. We will stand by our clients. That’s the Two Guys Who Are Lawyers guarantee! If your case should lose in a lower court, we will take it as far as necessary, even all the way to the Supreme Court!

Art: That’s right! Washington, D.C.!

[ cut to Patty Hearst testimonial ]

Patty Hearst: Why spend one-million, two-hundred thousand dollars to defend yourself in court? Really, F. Lee Bailey is okay, but, next time I get kidnapped, I’m going to the Two Guys!

[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]

Art: Now, Jerry?

Jerry: Yes… now, Art!

[ they stand and sing ]

Jerry: For legal problems, whatever the size!

Art: Hop in your car, and come down to Two Guys!

[ dissolve to title card: ]

[ “Two Guys Who Are Lawyers

* Pleasant Valley
* Jefferson Mall
* Rt. 24″ ]

Announcer: Now at three locations!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

On The spot

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

[ opening graphic ]

[ dissolve to Joan Face seated on stage set ]

Joan Face: Good evening, I’m Jane Face and welcome to “On The Spot”. As parents of schoolchildren, we should be concerned about the quality of food our children are served in school lunchrooms. Are the meals balanced? Are the ingredients fresh? Are they prepared under sanitary conditions? We are about to talk with the man who has the nutritional welfare of our children in his hands. On the spot with us tonight, the man who was awarded the contract to provide the school lunch program for the tri-state area school system. He is the President of Inter-City Foods, a division of Mainway International — Dr. Irwin Mainway.

[ Irwin Mainway appears seated to Joan’s right ]

Irwin Mainway: Thank you, Miss Face. No, I’m not gonna take the credit of a doctor —

Joan Face: I understand. My mistake.

Irwin Mainway: I’m a businessman, I’m not a doctor! You know?

Joan Face: Yes, I know. Now, Mr. Mainway —

Irwin Mainway: But… I got the brains. You know.

Joan Face: I doubt that. [ moving on ] Your program has been the subject of an investigation by our “On The Spot” research team, and the results are deeply disturbing, to say the least.

Irwin Mainway: [ amused ] Wha — wha — what are you talking about?

Joan Face: The lunches that you are feeding our schoolchildren are utterly devoid of any nutritional content! Look at the lunch menu, served to the youngsters at Samuel O’Gunther’s Grammer School last Wednesday: [ reading ] Grilled toast Sandwich, macaroni and hamburger buns… little cubes of stale bread. [ she holds up a bowl ]

Irwin Mainway: Well, now, these — these are croutons, Miss Face, uh — that’s my Caesar Salad.

Joan Face: It’s PURE starch! And what about Thursday? [ reading ] First of all, the soup: a tablespoon of imitation grape jelly in a bowl of hot water. Not to mention a cocoa-wich: two pieces of white bread, thinly spread with diluted chocolate syrup! And, to top it off: black coffee and cigarettes!

Irwin Mainway: [ defensively ] Now, that’s a bottomless cup of coffee! Those kids can get REFILLS! All they want! You know?

Joan Face: I’ll bet. The dessert is a big bowl of white, refined sugar! This is your idea of a balanced meal, Mr. Mainway?

Irwin Mainway: [ defensively ] The kids LOVE it! I mean, it’s high energy! You should SEE bounding out the cafeteria! It’s unbelievable! I can’t keep up with these kids on Thursday! I can’t keep up with them!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, could you tell us how much the city pays you to run this program?

Irwin Mainway: [ snarky ] Not enough! That’s for sure! [ he laughs ]

Joan Face: I’ll tell you, Mr. Mainway. Yuo receive $2.78 per student, per day, of which you spend approximately eighteen cents. You’re doing pretty well for yourself, giving little children sugar and starch. Haven’t you ever heard of protein?

Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, if kids want to bring their own protein, we don’t stop ’em! Nobody’s confiscating any protein at the door that I’ve heard about!

Joan Face: [ she sighs ] Mr. Mainway, Isn’t it true that on last April 18th, the schoolchildren of this city ate a hot lunch composed almost entirely of pureed insects?

Irwin Mainway: That was a HOT lunch, now.

Joan Face: Yeah. Hot insects.

Irwin Mainway: Heeeyy, come on, give me a break! I gotta find out what these kids like!

Joan Face: [ reading ] June 1st: ravioli stuffed with chalk!

Irwin Mainway: [ crinkling his face ] Now, that was an experiment that didn’t work. You know? I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you! I’m not gonna lie! I made a mistake. And I’m sure you make mistakes, too, Miss Face. My company got a break on a quantity of chalk — I went for it! Hey, I’m not God!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, let’s talk about the milk you’re serving our children. We’ve taken the liberty of having your milk analyzed in a lab. I think the public has a right to know: it’s dog milk!

Irwin Mainway: [ annoyed ] Yeah? So what? Dogs are mammals, aren’t they?

Joan Face: I don’t know where you get it, how you get it, or who actually MILKS the dogs… and I don’t care to!

Irwin Mainway: Well, it’s your loss, Miss Face, because it’s a very interesting process, let me tell you!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway… you are really contempt. Not only are you ROBBING the taxpayers of their dollars, you are also ROBBING our children of their right to good health! You’re stunting their growth and dulling their brains!How do you sleep at night?

Irwin Mainway: Come on, now let me tell you something. I want to tell you something. Now, is this even the WORST of stuff I’m serving them? I mean, at least it’s not dangerous! You know, eating is a dangerous operation, anyway! Say you’re eating — it’s not 100% safe, you know? Like, you’re eating a hot apple pie, or something, you know? I mean, somebody slams a door, the filling goes through your teeth. You know? You could burn your mouth. You know? Miss Face, I-I-I’m sure you’ve had a ham sandwich and rye bread, right? Well, you know, rye bread, they put those little caraway seeds there, you know? Well, now, if you bite down hard on a piece of bread, and your tooth hatches that seed at a certain angle, that seed has been know to fly up, hit you in the eye, you’ll go blind!

Joan Face: Ohh!

Irwin Mainway: You know? I mean, look — [ he picks up an apple ] Here’s God’s gift to nature! You know: Adam & Eve, the first thing on Earth, right? Okay, I’m gonna take a natural bit of the apple, you know? [ he takes a bite and chews ] I took a bite out of the apple, I’m talking to you, I take a breath — [ he pretends to choke, as Joan pats his back ] I mean, that’s an example, you know?

Joan Face: I’m afraid that’s all the time we have on “On The Spot”.

Irwin Mainway: It went down the wrong pipe!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, you are a morally bankrupt person.

Irwin Mainway: No, no, what about a banana?! [ he picks up a banana ] How many times you see people break their back on a banana?!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

The Scotch Boutique

Jenny … Gilda Radner
Floyd Hunger … Dan Aykroyd
Walker … Fred Willard
1st Woman … Jane Curtin
Kevin … John Belushi
1st Man … Garrett Morris
2nd Man … Bill Murray
2nd Woman … Laraine Newman

[Image of the interior of a large shopping mall. Weslowly zoom in on one of the stores which has agraphic of a Scotch tape dispenser above the door.Dissolve to the interior of the store where agray-suited man hurriedly enters to be greeted byJenny the cashier who polishes a tape dispenser andplaces it on a display rack.]

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique! Can Ihelp you?

Floyd Hunger: I sure hope so. I’m Floyd Hunger fromnext door, uh, Hunger’s Men’s Shop. I hate to say it,we blew a fuse in the stock room. I can’t believe it,I’m all out, you know, and I wondered if you had anextra one.

[Elsewhere in the store (which sells nothing butScotch tape — dispensers line the walls andcountertops), we see Mr. Walker, the pipe smokingstore owner, who wears a red plaid vest which matchesthe Scotch plaid wallpaper. Also visible is Kevin thestock boy who sits on a stool in the rear, reading acomic book.]

Walker: [very pleasant] Sure. I always keep an extraone. You never can tell. [Walker searches under thestore’s copy machine for a fuse.]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, great, great. Hey, listen, I’m sorryI haven’t had a chance to come by and, uh, you know,say hello and everything. Uh, you just moved in butwe’ve been real busy.

Walker: Mm hm. Thirty amp, okay? [offers a new fuse]

Floyd Hunger: [takes the new fuse] Oh, yeah. Just whatI need. [compares the new fuse to the burnt out one inhis hand] Fact, it’s even my brand. [he and Walkershare a laugh] Thanks a lot. [moves to Jenny thecashier and pays for the fuse]

Walker: No, no, no, no. That’s okay. That’s okay. Iwon’t hear of it, no. [takes money from Jenny andreturns it to Floyd]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, gee, well, thanks. That’s sure niceo’ ya. Listen, if ever I can return the favor, I’mright down the mall here, next door.

Walker: How’s business for you? Good, eh?

Floyd Hunger: [enthusiastic] Aw, it’s terrific! Thismall’s a great location, you know. They did a goodmarket survey on it. We’ve been doing really, really,um– [suddenly notices Walker and Jenny look downcast]really, well, you know. [tries to be reassuring] It -it’s gonna pick up, this business’ll pick up.

Jenny: [tries to look on the bright side] Ah, we -we’ve only been here for two months and it’s, uh, justgonna take us a little longer to get established.

Walker: [lighting his pipe] Yeah, you know, whenyou’re working with a brand new, fresh idea, it’salways a little harder. You know, um, most people areused to buying their – their tape when they go to thesupermarket or drug store, you know. What we’ve got todo is turn their thinking around so they make aspecial trip down here to the Scotch Boutique whenthey want, uh, tape.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, look, uh, you know, you’ve probablythought of this but have you ever considered adding,uh, other prod– you know, products like, uh, paperclips, uh, stationery, you know, things like that?

Walker: Well, as a matter of fact, we just put in thiscopy machine. It was Jenny’s idea. Did you see oursign out front? “Copies – nine cents.”

Floyd Hunger: Hm.

Walker: Aw, we barely break even but, the way I figureit, we’re gonna bring in customers who might buy tape.

Floyd Hunger: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Well, uh, if ever I needany copying done, I’ll be, uh, be sure to come back.Thanks again, uh– [starts out the door, then stops -decides to do these poor souls a favor] You know,[snaps his fingers] I’d better take a roll o’ tapewith me. I know I’m gonna be needin’ it back there atthe store.

Jenny: [thrilled] Oh, what size would you like?

Floyd Hunger: Well, just – just regular’d be fine.

Jenny: Well, regular width or length? How about athirty-six footer?

Floyd Hunger: Well, sure. Is that the regular kind or, uh …?

Walker: [helpfully, to Jenny] Why don’t you show himthe seventy-two footer? It’s quite a savings.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, it’s – it’s okay. I’m in kind o’ ahurry. I gotta get back to the store so this’ll befine.

Jenny: All right, fine.

[Jenny bags up the tape. Floyd drops a dollar on thecounter and crosses to Walker.]

Floyd Hunger: Uh …

Jenny: [puts bag on the counter] Here you go.

Floyd Hunger: [shakes Walker’s hand] Hey, listen,thanks again for the fuse, really.

Walker: Don’t mention it.

Jenny: [rings up the sale] That’ll be fifty-nine cents– out of one. [hands Floyd his change] There you go.Thanks a lot.

Walker: [to Floyd] If you ever need any more tape orsome copying done, you know where to come.

Floyd Hunger: [reassuringly] Well, when this roll runsout, I’m comin’ right back here.

Jenny: Come again.

Floyd Hunger: Yeah. [exits]

Walker: Kevin, I think we need another fifty-ninecenter up here.

[Walker points with his pipe to an empty spot on thedisplay case that used to hold the tape Floyd justpurchased. Kevin looks up from his comic book, risesfrom his stool, sticks the rolled-up book into theback pocket of his jeans and exits into the stockroom. Walker lights his pipe. A woman enters the storefrom the mall.]

1st Woman: Hi.

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique!

Walker: Welcome.

1st Woman: Thank you. Could I get a copy of this,please? [hands Jenny a piece of paper]

Jenny: [takes paper, cheerfully] How many, please?

1st Woman: One.

Jenny: [a little disappointed, hands the paper to Walker] One.

[Walker takes the paper to the copy machine as the woman looks on.]

Walker: Need any tape today?

1st Woman: Uh, not today, thanks.

[Walker starts the copy machine, then looks the woman over.]

Walker: Say, didn’t you come in here about a week agoand buy some tape from us?

1st Woman: Yeah.

Walker: [as much to Jenny as to the woman] Isn’t thatsomething! You were in here before and now you’re backagain!

1st Woman: Right. Yeah.

Walker: How’d that, uh, tape work out? Okay?

1st Woman: Oh! [nods] Oh, good, good. Yeah. Sticks really well.

Walker: Fine.

Jenny: Uh, that’ll be, uh, nine cents, please. [Womantakes copy and original from Walker, gives Jenny adime] Out of ten? Okay. [Jenny rings up the sale andmakes change] Here you go. Thanks a lot.

1st Woman: Thank you. [starts to leave]

Walker: If you need any more copying done or any moretape, you know where to come.

1st Woman: [nods, smiles] Right.

Jenny: Come again.

[The woman exits. Kevin returns from the stock roomwith a roll of tape.]

Kevin: I couldn’t find any more open boxes offifty-nine centers back there in the stock room so I -I – I had to open up a box of one thousand.

Jenny: [distressed] You opened up a box of onethousand? Now, we can’t send it back!

Walker: [for the first time, his pleasantnessevaporates – he seems suddenly defeated] I knew it.[to Jenny] You don’t believe in this place, do ya? Youdon’t believe in me.

Jenny: [tries to be reassuring] Honey, honey, I do. Ido. It’s just that it’s been two months.

Walker: [deeply serious] Listen, a business takes timeto build. It isn’t done overnight. Nobody makes moneytheir first couple of months. I thought you understoodall of that.

Jenny: [horribly conflicted] I do, I do, I do. I – I -I – I – I don’t know. [Two men have entered and standin the doorway – Jenny sees them and becomes instantlycheerful] Oh, welcome to Scotch Boutique!

1st Man: [to Jenny] Um, do you sell any recording tape here?

Jenny: [cheerfully] No, just the sticky kind.

2nd Man: [to the first man] See? I told ya.

[The 2nd Man turns away to keep from laughing outloud. The 1st Man, stunned, smiles broadly and looksaround at the store in amazement. The two men exit.]

Walker: [calls after the men, cheerfully] Next timeyou need the sticky kind, you’ll know where to come![instantly serious, to Jenny] I mean, I thought youunderstood that this was my dream. You said it was agood idea. Do you think in a million years, I’d drawout every last red cent of our – our savings accountand invest it in this business if I thought you didn’tthink it was a good idea?

[A woman enters but, by now, Jenny is too distracted to greet her.]

2nd Woman: Uh, do you have any recording tape?

Walker: [pleasantly] No, just cellophane. The sticky kind. If you need any of the sticky kind, you know where to come!

2nd Woman: Okay, thanks.

Jenny: [weakly] Come again.

[The woman exits. Jenny, on the verge of tears, can’tlook Walker in the eye.]

Walker: Well, I guess that does it. I – I – I can’t goon surrounded by quitters and – and doubters. Callsfor a team effort. … I’ll never forget a story myuncle once told me. My uncle owned a little restaurantin Pennsylvania. It was real famous for a long timefor its chicken salad. [Jenny and Kevin, who sits onhis stool with comic book in hand, listen withinterest] Well, one day, they couldn’t get any chickento put in the salad. So my uncle, what he did, hecalled together the employees. … [Walker pauses tolight his pipe] And he said, “Look, why don’t we putturkey in that salad instead of chicken?” Well, ofcourse, everyone was real nervous at first becausethey didn’t know what was gonna happen. But you wantto know something? Not one person even noticed that itwas turkey instead of chicken. Now, that’s what I callteamwork.

Jenny: [completely won over] I’m sorry, honey. I’llgive it another chance. I believe in you.

Walker: [takes her hand] Thank you, honey.

Kevin: [joins them at the register] I believe in you,too, Mr. Walker.

Walker: Thanks, Kevin. [Kevin puts his hand on theirsin an “All for one, one for all” gesture – Walkerbrightens] Hey, what do you say we stop all this andget back to business as usual? [pats Kevin on theback] What do you say?

Jenny: [genuinely cheerful again] Oh, okay.

Kevin: [happy] Okay!

[Jenny laughs and dusts the display rack. Kevin getsout his comic book and goes back to his stool. Walkerscribbles on some paperwork, pipe in mouth.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Mr. Bill Goes To New York

Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(Curtain rises to show Mr. Bill holding a NYC pennant.)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies Yay! Oh we’re going to have a great time today because we’re moving to New York City yay! And here’s our tour guide Mr. Hands yay!

Mr. Hands: (Holding a New York-English Dictionary) Hey Mr. Bill. Are you all ready for the Big Apple?

Mr. Bill: Oh I sure am Mr. Hands and say can you take me to the Statue Of Liberty huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure but first let’s take a subway ride to your best friend, Mr. Sluggo’s house. (Places Mr. Bill in the doorway in the train car)

Mr. Bill: Oh Mr. Hands but you know I’d rather see the Statue of– (The door closes on Mr. Bill’s arm.) Noooooooooooo! (and takes off)

(Cut to a street.)

Mr. Hands: Well here we are in beautiful downtown Manhattan. And guess who’s coming to visit?

Mr. Bill: Who’s that huh?

Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.” (Molds Spot into shape)

Mr. Bill: Yay it’s my dog Spot. How are you doing Spot huh? (Sluggo appears) Oh no! That Mr. Sluggo is going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: No he just says Spot has to go.

Mr. Bill: Go where huh? (Sees a sign that says “Leash, Gutter up and clean up after your dog. Please” and laughs. Spot is placed on the curb of the street.) Oh sure sure! I’m sure glad you don’t do it on the rug anymore. Ha ha ha ha ha! (A passing car comes along and flattens Spot.) No no wait no wait! No! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Picking Spot up with clamps.) The new law says you have to clean up after your dog.

Mr. Bill: Oh why why!

(Cut to inside a taxi cab)

Mr. Hands: Now for some shopping at the famous Macy’s department store! (He takes Mr. Bill inside and they go on the escaltor)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Say can you buy me some new clothes?

Mr. Hands: Sure! Let’s ride the escalator. And maybe we’ll pick you up a new pair of shoes. Huh?

Mr. Bill: No but you know I don’t ride the escalator too well Mr. Hands (Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill and up at the top the escalator seperates Mr. Bill’s feet from him.) No wait no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Now for a visit to the top of the Empire State Building.

Mr. Bill: But you know I’m afraid of heights.

Mr. Hands: (Places Mr. Bill closer to the edge of the building.) Let’s get a little more closer for a more spectacular view.

Mr. Bill: No! No! No! No! (Mr. Hands drops Mr. Bill all the way down the ESB where he lands on top of a cab.)Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says so long! Hope you’ve had a great time. See you next show when Mr. Bill moves into his new apartment. Bye bye!

[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “did you know… that the original title of Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew” was “Get Christie Love” “]

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Goodnights

…..Fred Willard

Fred Willard: Good night, and thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Five A.M.

Mary…..Laraine Newman
Guy…..Fred Willard

[ open on interior, apartment, night ]

[ cue ringing telephone at nightstand ]

[ Mary groggily reaches out to answer the telephone ]

Mary: Hello? … Is who here? … David? No, David is not here, David does not live here any more. [ she looks at the clock ] It’s five o’clock in the morning! … Well, you SHOULD be! You sound very loaded. … Who is this? … Yes, I’m sure you’re a friend of David’s, but he’s NOT here! … Alright, alright… [ she reaches over to turn on a lamp and fumble for an address book. The man lying next to her wakes up with mild curiosity in his sleepy eyes ] Okay, I got the number. … The last number I have for him is 5-5-5-7-0-9-8. [ she hangs up ] Goodbye, and you’re welcome.

Guy: Everything okay?

Mary: Yeah. It was just some woman calling for the number of a guy who used to live here.

Guy: Ah.

Mary: Boy, was she drunk.

Guy: Hmm…

Mary: I probably shouldn’t have given her the number. He could at least tell his girlfriends not to call here.

Guy: Yeah… I guess he could. [ he rolls over ]

Mary: We were together for two years.

Guy: Mmm.

Mary: I don’t know what happened, I guess it just wasn’t happening.

Guy: Well, that happens. [ he rolls back over ]

Mary: The main thing was… that we had conflicting careers: I worked, and he didn’t. And then one night, I threw a clock-radio at his head, and things were never quite the same. You know?

Guy: Oh. [ he leans upward ] Listen… tonight was really special for me. You know? And, uh… uh… [ thinking ]

Mary: Mary.

Guy: Mary. It was — really — it was really special. Uh — anyway, I gotta get home and change my clothes before I go to work in the morning, anyway, so maybe I should be rolling along…

Mary: [ as she lights a cigarette ] No, it’s okay. Stay.

Guy: You’re sure it’s okay?

Mary: Sure. [ the telephone rings ] Ohhh… [ she answers the telephone ] Hello! … Oh, hello, David. … YES, I gave it to her! … Well, how did she get THIS number?! … David, don’t start with me! What do you think I am, your answering service? I really need your drunk bimbos calling me at five in the morning, and I really need you calling me after three months just to give me grief!

Guy: Look, uh… I think I’ll be going…

Mary: No, it’s okay. Stay. Get some sleep. [ into the telephone ] LIKE HELL, I DID!! YOU WALKED OUT ON ME!! … Well, it’s NOT the way I saw it! … [ casually ] Do you have a cold, or something? Are you taking care of yourself? [ she giggles ] Wha-a-at?! Wha-a-at?

Guy: Maybe I’ll run along…

Mary: [ whispering ] No. Stay. [ into the telephone ] No, there’s no one here. [ she puts a silent finger to her lips ]

Guy: I’ll go.

Mary: [ waving for the guy to stay, as she continues her conversation ] Never mind what I’m wearing. … Well, I’d like to see you sometime. … No, I’ve only been going out with creeps.

Guy: [ his tail practically between his legs ] Look… I’d better go.

Mary: [ shaking her head no ] No! [ into the telephone ] What? … No, now, I can’t. No. I really can’t now. [ she giggles ] Stop it!

Guy: Yeah. I — I think I will. I’m gonna go. [ he sits up and begins to put his socks back on ]

Mary: It’s up to you. [ into the telephone ] Alright, how soon can you be here?

Guy: Have you seen my other shoe?

Mary: [ into the telephone ] Better make it twenty. … Alright, I’ll see you then. … I love you, too. [ she hangs up ]

Guy: [ as he pulls up his pants ] Here it is. I found my other shoe.

Mary: Oh, yeah. Uh — your coat’s over there on the chair.

Guy: O-kay. I’ll be out in just a minute.

[ as she rubs lotion on her hands ] Mary: It’s been lovely meeting you.

Guy: Thanks. [ he grabs his shirt ] Listen, I had a great time.

Mary: Oh, really? I’m glad.

Guy: [ desperately ] You look great.

Mary: Thank you!

Guy: [ as he puts on his t-shirt ] Look — maybe we could, uh — you know — sometime, again…

Mary: [ as she brushes her hair ] Uh, yeah — maybe.

Guy: [ as he puts on his jacket ] Well… as I said, I had a real nice time.

Mary: Oh, good, I’m glad. Listen… take care, and good luck. Bye. [ she kisses his cheek ]

Guy: Bye. [ heapproaches the door, then glances at a pizza box on the chair ] Oh, gee… I hate to even mention it, but… you know, I only deliver this stuff.

Mary: Ohhh, of course. I’m sorry. How much was that?

Guy: Well… for the mushroom and pepperoni, $4.95. THe Cokes were a dollar-twenty. So, you got, what, about six dollars and fifteen cents.

Mary: Soooo, with a tip, that’s what?

Guy: Uhhh…

Mary: $7.50?

Guy: Ah, what the heck! Forget it! The treat’s on me!

Mary: Oh. Thank you.

Guy: It’s nothing! [ he crumbles the receipt ] Okay. [ he exits the room, then peeks back in ] Listen: if you ever need home delivery again, the number’s on the box. [ no response, so he quietly exits for good ]

[ pull out to wide shot of set ]

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Jacques Brel — still in Paris, not at all well” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2


]]>



Saturday Night Live:
The Complete Fourth Season on DVD

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 14th, 1978

Fred Willard

Devo

None

None

Alan Zweibel

Honker in the AudienceSummary: Honker (Bill Murray) wanders into the audience with the assumption that he’s at a Yankee game.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

Montage

Fred Willard’s MonologueSummary: Fred Willard fools the audience with his Elvis performance, then does a stand-up routine about a kid in school who grabbed his crotch as a punchline for every joke.

Two Guys Who Are LawyersSummary: No lawsuit is too sleazy for Two Guys who are lawyers (Dan Aykroyd, Fred Ward) to pursue.

Recurring Characters: Patty Hearst.

Transcript

Cliff Preston, Aging StuntmanSummary: Aging stuntman Cliff Preston (John Belushi) continuously injures himself on the job while performing a five-foot jump.

Devo performs “Satisfaction”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray debuts his “Celebrity Corner” segment by interviewing Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) and her husband Gary Morton (Alan Zweibel). Dan Aykroyd expresses his personal offense with the revealing outfits worn by cheerleaders these days.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Transcript

Five A.M.Summary: A drunken five a.m. phone call on Mary’s (Laraine Newman) line leads to a get-together with her ex-boyfriend, just as soon as her one-night stand (Fred Willard) leaves the apartment.

Transcript

On the SpotSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) interviews Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) about the non-nutritional school lunch program contract he has been awarded.

Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Irwin Mainway.

Transcript

Mr. Bill Goes to New YorkSummary: Mr. Bill continues to be abused by Sluggo and Mr. Hands, even while on vacation in New York City.

Transcript

Bobbi Farber on the PhoneSummary: Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) tells her mother over the phone that she wants to change her kids’ names because everyone else’s kids have the same names,then she can’t get the old lady off the line.

Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber.

CrossroadsSummary: Cuckolded late night clergyman’s (Fred Willard) sermon tells the stoy of Mohab(?) (John Belushi), an ancient Israelite who longed to worship one god for all purposes, and accepts a test of faith from God (Don Pardo) by sacrificing his idiot son Schlomo (Bill Murray).

The Scotch BoutiqueSummary: Things are slow now at The Scotch Boutique, the new minimall speciality shop that caters specifically to Scotch tape and photocopies, but manager Walker (Fred Willard) is certain things are going to be pick up once people get used to his bold business concept.

Recurring Characters: Floyd Hunger, Jenny Rocker, Kevin.

Transcript

Booji BoySummary: In a short film by Devo, baby-faced Booji Boy delivers a file that details the truth about de-evolution on their planet.

Devo performs “Jocko Homo”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Udpdate” news team. Brought to you by Goatex: the sanitary napkin for your nanny. Here are co-anhorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. And, before we start the news, I want to announce a personnel change here at “Weekend Update”. Dan Aykroyd, who had been by co-anchorperson, has been kicked upstairs to Station Manager. Needless to say, we all wish him luck and sincerely hope he does a better job as Station Manager than he did as newscaster! But I am happy to say that Dan is being replaced a most capable, highly respected broadcast-journalist, who will report the news with credibility and dignity. Please welcome Mr. Bill Murray.

[ the audience applauds ]

Bill Murray: [ hoarsely ] Hello, you maniacs! Well, they’ve got me doing the hard news this year, and I LOVE it! It’s incredible! I’ve been reading up on things that have been going on, and I’ll tell you something: it’s opened up a whole new world to me! It’s fascinating stuff. Take our top story or tonight, for example:

There’s a war going on in Beirut, Lebanon. 700 people have been KILLED this week. Now, as I understand it, Syria is trying to draw Israel into a war so that Israel won’t sign a treaty with Egypt. Now, this is incredible: the Jews — Egyptians! — are trying to be good, but the Syrians won’t LET ’em! I mean, we have NOTHING like this is show business! I mean, yeah — some backstabbers, sure. But, I mean, I get into an argument with somebody — if it gets to where we’re going to throw punches, I turn around and walk away. You know? But these people are using guns, they’re using artillery, they’re dropping bombs — I mean, I get mad at Columbia Pictures, what am I gonna do? Go over there and drop a BOMB on them? You know what my name would be in this town, or any other? M-U-D-H-I-T. And I mean that. Anyway, something has got to be done about this war. I mean, Syria is just way the H out of line on this, I’m telling you. Jane, it’s incredible! Do the hard news, and you’ll learn a lot about people. Wow! Ouch!

[ image: President Jimmy Carter ] Now, here’s a story. I don’t even know why it’s here. Congress sustains a veto on a water project. Who cares?! There are peole being KILLED in Lebanon! [ he slams the report on the desk ]

The A.M.A. — D.E.S. — Cancer of the cervix — [ pauses ] I think there’s certain things that shouldn’t be talked about on TV, and this is one of them!

The selection process for the Pope. [ he pauses ] We did this a MONTH ago! Look, Jane — have you got anything interesting over there, honey?

Jane Curtin: As most of you around the country are aware, we here in New York have been having a newspaper strike for a couple of months, and New Yorkers have had to rely almost solely on rumor for their information. So, for you New Yorkers, “Weekend Update” would like to clear up just a few of those rumors. First of all, Julie Nixon Eisenhower did NOT bear a Mongoloid baby. Convicted Son of Sam slayer, David Berkowitz, is NOT engaged to Phyllis George. John Paul I did NOT die in his sleep last week, but he WAS buried last Thursday.

Bill Murray: Now… here’s an interesting story: this week, the Senate voted 60 to 36 to extend the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment to June 30th, 1982. And that is the subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint.

Jane Curtin: [ fueled ] Bill, the argument that the extension of ERA is unconstitutional is full of the same substance that YOU are full of! Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that Congress cannot extend the ratification period! You pigs simply grab at any excuse to keep women in a subservient role! To be exploited as vapid sex objects like the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! ERA needs the time to clear upthose vicious misconceptions and lies spread by its opponents! ERA will NOT mandate military service for women, unisex bathrooms, and the abolition of alimony, Bill! Put THAT in your jockstrap and SNAP IT, Bill!

[ the audience squeals ]

Bill Murray: [ slightly offended ] Well, Jane, you know something, uh… you’ve got a point there! Uhhh — I’ve been flip-flopping on this issue all along, to tell you the truth, and, uh — at first, I was all for it. But then, somebody told me about this bathroom thing, and I… I know from experience that it can take me up to fifteen minutes to urinate if there is a girl in the same room. Uh — so then I heard the women didn’t want it, so I figured if the women didn’t want it, then why FORCE it on them? And, now, you, Jane, uh… you know, a woman, uhhh, coming OUT for it… obviously, you know what you’re talking about. I’ve changed my mind! You’ve changed it all around! Now, what should we do on a thing like this? I mean, do we send telegrams, or… what do we say? I mean, hey! State legislators! GET ON THE BALL!!!

[ Jane is obviously dumbstruck by a Poiint-Counterpoint in which the same point is presented by both parties ]

Bill Murray: Alright, uh — [ the audience applauds ] Yeah! This is great! We’re getting something done here! Alright!

A Morning After birth control pill, developed at the University of Florida, has proven to be 99% effective. Hey! GREAT news! Only one pregnancy occurred among 359 women who started the medication within 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse. [ he holds up the device ] Now, it’s called a Post-Obligatory Interceptive, and I have a sample right here — enough for three inceptions. They’re not gonna do me any good. Here, Jane — a whole year’s supply for ya’!

[ he tosses it to her and laughs ]

Oh, it’s just so TIGHT! And I got you with THAT one, Jane! Great!

[ Jane fakes a smile ]

Jane Curtin: Here’s some good news: The world’s second test-tube baby was born Tuesday in Calcutta. Doctors there predict that now all Indian women, even those sterilized by the previous government, will be able to have more children. And, what’s more, the procedure is so inexpensive that even the poorest Indians can afford it. As for the seven-pound, six-ounce girl, mother and daughter are both starving comfortably.

In the last few years, discos have become a big part of the entertainment scene. Now here to file her report on one of New York’s more popular discotheques, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thank you! A Mr. Richard Fader from Frot Lee, New Jersey writes: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, tell me about Studio 54. Why is it so hard to get in? Can I get in? Do I gotta get a ticket to get in? Do I gotta know someone to get in? Do I gotta be famous to get in? What’s it like when I do get in, and if I do get in, is it real hard to get out?” Mr. Fader, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone from New Jersey! But you wrote to the right lady! ‘Cause last night, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, went to Studio 54! ‘Cause I love to dance! I don’t want to brag, but I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, can really shake, shake, shake, shake my booty! And, besides, I wanted to see how the “beautiful” people get crazy.

So I go in, and who do I see first but that fancy designer Mr. Halston. And he looked so depressed, I thought he was gonna DIE!! And then I noticed that he wasn’t wearing sensible shoes. He was dancing in these tight, black, sleazy, ankle-high boots — the kind you imagine that Frankie Valli wears? Well, anyway — Halston shows me how the inside of his shoe scraped against the heel of his foot, and he got a big blister! And the blister BROKE, so he put a Band-aid on it. Well, then the shoe started rubbing against the Band-aid, and then the Band-aid gets all curled up and gets this liquid stuff on it — you don’t know WHAT it is! I man, that guy may be one of the beautiful people, but his foot made me SICK!

[ Roseanne Roseannadanna stops to put Mr. Richard Fader’s letter back in its envelope ]

Jane Curtin: Is — is that all? Is that all you have to say about the place? Isn’t there anything else?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you mean?

Jane Curtin: I mean… do they serve food? Is there a band? What’s the sound system like? Are there black lights? Is there a bar? Is it in a good neighborhood? Do you gotta know somebody to get in? Is it al lit’s cracked up to be? You know?

[ Jane frantically waves her arms around, only to be mimicked by a singing Roseanne Roseannadanna ]

Jane Curtin: Roseanne! Roseanne! Roseanne! Studio 54 is supposed to be very chic and glamorous, and everybody wants to know about it. What’s it like in there?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane — just between you and me… it’s crazy nuts! They got guys dancing with guys… girls dancing with girls… guys who look like girls dancing with girls who look like guys… girls who look like dogs dancing with themselves… guys who look like dogs dancing with dogs. It’s just like my father always used to say to me before I went to bed. [ she turns her gaze to Jane’s ear ] He said: “Roseanne Roseannadanna, Studio 54 is just like Jane’s ear. From the outside, it’s very pretty and could be very glamorous with jewelry and diamonds and glitter, very attractive and very nice and everything… but on the inside, it’s real dark and it’s got some weird stuff in there, I don’t know WHAT it is! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!”

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts