Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Richard Dreyfuss performs “I Want To Be Seduced”

…..Richard Dreyfuss
…..Paul Shaffer

[ open on close-up of Richard Dreyfuss ]

Richard Dreyfuss: I just want to say — I have never sung before in public. This is a song by Gary Tigerman — every word of it… is true.

[ singing ]

“I wanna beeee… seduced.
I want a woman to take me out to dinner for two.
I’d like to see her eyes get moony
Flirtin’ with the thought of what a little flirtin’ oughhta do.

I got to be real coooool.
Let her think about gettin’ little me in bed.
As I chat about African genesis, psychokinesis, or something Stanislavsky said.

I might demure politely
Or falter slightly
If she tried to fondle my knee
But I’m relatively certain I’d come across if I know me.

I want to be seduced
I want a woman to talk to me suggestively
I Want to know that she’d like me to be with her tomorrow morning
Drinkin’ hot jasmine tea.

I want her to make me laugh
Make a point about touching me when she talks
Leaving all the jealous men in the joint to mumble in their beer and gawk.

I know it only happens when I’m napping
Nodding in a reverie
That I find myself a woman who’ll get behind seducing
Starting from the moment, say, that we’d been introduced
I’d like to find a woman who could get behind seducing… meeeeee.”

[ as Paul Shaffer plays the interlude, Dreyfuss leans back on the piano and raises his leg in the air ]

Richard Dreyfuss: [ singing ]
“I know it only happens when I’m napping
Nodding in a reverie
That I find myself a woman who could get behind seducing
Starting from the moment, say, that we’d been introduced
I’d like to find a woman who could get behind seducing… meeeeeeeee.
Ooooohhhhh!”

[ the audience erupts into applause ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Cone Encounters of the Third Kind

Roy Neary…..Richard Dreyfuss
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Merkon…..Garrett Morris
High Master…..John Belushi

[ open on Roy Neary in bathrobe, trying to create his mountainous structure with some difficulty as the news plays on a TV in the corner ]

TV Voice: ..near Devil’s Tower, Wyoming. The Army has evacuated 1,000..

Roy Neary: [ throwing clay and dirt at his structure ] Not right! Not right! It’s NOT RIGHT!! [ picks up a large cone-shaped piece of clay, and fixes it on top of the mountain structure ] That’s it! Yeah! That’s it, I.. I know what this is!

[ SUPER: “Cone Encounters of the Third Kind” ]

[ phone rings ]

Roy Neary: [ his wife on the other line ] Hello? Where are you?! At your sisters?! When are you coming home? No.. I’m not crazy! Honey, honey, listen: I know I saw something the other night! Nahhh.. I just want to know what’s going on! Is there anything wrong with that? Look, hey, Ronnie.. everyone has bad days, you know? Ronnie, will you let me finish! I’m not nuts!

[ the new on TV fades out to a commercial of Beldar Conehead for his driving school; Roy takes quick interest in Beldar’s head ]

Roy Neary: I’ll call you back!

[ “National Driving School” jingle sounds like the five notes from “Close Encounters” ]

[ dissolve to Conehead living room, where the family watches Beldar’s commercial with joy ]

Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy! Daddy, you were very good!

Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! Your commercial message has appeared on the ion bombardment tube!

Connie Conehead: It was far out!

Prymaat Conehead: Your cone appears larger on the ion tube.

Beldar Conehead: It does not matter! Nothing matters! I have received a vital communication from Remulak! The High Master is coming to Earth! He wishes to inspect the star cruiser refueling station which we were sent to install on this miserable planet!

Pryaat & Connie: Ohhh, noooo!!

Beldar Conehead: Yes! The impulses from the monotron crystal indicate that his star cruiser has already entered the Earth’s traposphere.

Prymaat Conehead: Beldar, the High Master expects to see a fully operational protoid refueling station! We have done nothing to accomplish this mission!

Beldar Conehead: I know.. I know..

Prymaat Conehead: We have not yet even seized the planet! You said the High Master would not visit us for at least 300 years!

Beldar Conehead: How was I to know that Afkhan would succeed with the insurgence of the muldred nebula!

Connie Conehead: Oh, boy.. leave me out of this, parental units. You already blew it.

Beldar Conehead: Young one, your cone is also on the block.

Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! It was you who lost the speech!

Beldar Conehead: It was you who plunged our star cruiser into Lake Michigan! Mip!

Prymaat Conehead: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Mip!

[ doorbell rings; they panic ]

[ Beldar answers door to Roy Neary, still in bathrobe ]

Beldar Conehead: A human. Greetings. Go away!

Roy Neary: [ excited ] You’re the guy! You’re the guy on the TV commercial!

Beldar Conehead: No! no droving lessons today! Go away!

Roy Neary: No! No! I really want to talk to you! There’s something about you! I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just know it’s important, and I have to come here!

Connie Conehead: Look, man, you’d better split! Something really heavy is coming down here!

Roy Neary: I know! That’s why I’m here! Tell me what’s gonna happen! Listen, why do I feel as if I know you..? Who are you people?!

Prymaat Conehead: [ hesitant ] We are Coneheads.. from Remulak.

Roy Neary: Remulak? Where is Remulak?

[ rumbling noise is heard from outside ]

Prymaat Conehead: In France! We come from France!

Roy Neary: France? What part of France?

Beldar Conehead: It is too late for the human to leave. The High Master has arrived!

[ High Master’s star cruiser hovers over house, like the mother Ship hovers over Devil’s Tower ]

[ Merkon enters Conehead residence ]

Merkon: I am Merkon from Remulak. All hail Kuldroth the High Master.

[ High Master enters, as Coneheads chant their greeting ]

High Master: Greetings, Beldar.. Prymaat. Mmm.. your young one is growing into a beautiful krotmar.

Connie Conehead: But I don’t want to be a krotmar!

Roy Neary: Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! I know what it is, now.. it’s your heads! It’s the weird shape of your heads! And those bright lights outside – you’re not from France! You’re not even from Europe!

High Master: This human. Is he the leader of the united nation, who’s here to convey my message to the people of Earth?!

Beldar Conehead: No.

High Master: Beldar.. is this the protoid station? Show me the neevgun marshes for stocking the star cruisers! Where are the fuel ports for the protoid caps?!

Prymaat Conehead: We.. we deemed it wise not to complete all of the refueling structures until we were sure that the human we selected to be the Supreme Refueling Attendant, uh.. to have been correctly trained.

High Master: Hmm.. Supreme Attendant?

Beldar Conehead: Uh, yes.. the Supreme Refueling Attendant for Protoid Station Earth.

High Master: Hmm..

Roy Neary: You mean me? You have chosen me to be the.. Supreme Attendant! I knew it was important! I understand now! You people are from another planet!

High Master: Mmm.. yes indeed, Beldar. Beldar, this human will make a good attendant. We will take him. Ah, we will train him and send him back in fifty years. Continue your mission! Merkon, bring the human.

Roy Neary: I just want to know that this is really happening!

Merkon: Attention Human: it’s really happening! There are three types of protoid fuel: Super, Regular, and Novalite.

Roy Neary: [ in alien voice ] Yes! I understand! I will journey with you to your planet – Remulak!

Beldar Conehead: [ to Roy ] I envy you!

[ Roy follows Merkon and the High Master out the door, as the Coneheads snicker behind his back ]

[ dissolve to High Master’s star cruiser hovering back into space ]

[ as the top star cruiser is revealed to be a prop being pulled by prop men, SUPER rises: “coming up next… Can TV Reproduce Itself?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:


May 13th, 1978

Richard Dreyfuss

Jimmy Buffett

Gary Tigerman

None
Paraquat ChaseSummary: The journey of paraquet-laced marijuana is traced from the fields of Mexico to Bill Murray at Studio 8-H in New York.

Transcript

Montage

Richard Dreyfuss’ MonologueSummary: John Belushi forces Richard Dreyfuss to prove he’s a worthy actor by performing “Hamlet” for the audience.

Bio: During the 1970’s, Richard Dreyfuss (1947-) starred in three big-screen blockbusters in a row: “Jaws”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, and “The Goodbye Girl.” The latter yielded him the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1978, for which, at the time, he was the youngest recipient in the category.

Transcript

Cone Encounters of the Third KindSummary: Linesman Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss) continues to drive himself crazy with the vision of a strange, mountainous image. After much frustration, he sees a TV commercial for Beldar Conehead’s (Dan Aykroyd) driving school, and is immediately draw to the Conehead residence.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Merkon, Kuldroth, Walter Cronkite.

Transcript

Jimmy Buffett performs “Son of a Son of a Sailor”Bio: Involved briefly in smuggling before turning to music, Jimmy Buffett (1946-) describes his songs as “90 percent autobiographical.” Nautical themes in many of his songs can be attributed to his father, who worked as a naval architect and often took young Jimmy along on sailing trips.

Note: Jimmy Buffett performs with his leg in a cast, due to an accident he had prior to appearing on SNL.

Sex TestSummary: Richard Dreyfuss tests viewers’ knowledge of sex-related subjects whiel yielding the floor to experts in the field.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Jane Curtin vows not to let events get the better of her during tonight’s newscast. After reviewing clips from “The Goodbye Girl”, stargazer Bill Murray still doesn’t think Richard Dreyfuss should have won Best Actor. Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) UFO commentary quickly sidetracks into a tale of a talking rear end; Jane Curtin finally loses her cool.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

Nick “Springs”Summary: Nick “Springs” (Bill Murray) entertains newlyweds at the room at the Pocomount Honeymoon Lounge.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.

Transcript

Pet PeevesSummary: Couple (Laraine Newman, Richard Dreyfuss) unload their pet peeves about one another as a prelude to a romantic evening together.

Transcript

The David Susskind ShowSummary: To celebrate Mother’s Day, David Susskind (Bill Murray) interviews male celebrities who still have strong attachments to their mothers.

Recurring Characters: Henry Kissinger, Tom Snyder, Emma Lou Snyder, Leon Spinks.

Gary Tigerman performs “White Oaxacan Moon”

Father Guido SarducciSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) discusses the Pope’s new encyclical, which explains the concept of life as a job and how people will have to pay for their sins out of their life’s salary once they enter Heaven.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Richard Dreyfuss performs “I Want To Be Seduced”Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Cruelex, the first men’s grooming aid that promotes jock itch. Here are co-anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I’m Dave Aykroyd. [ cringes ]
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jean Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Aldo Moro is alive. The well-being of the former Italian president was confirmed this week, when his subductress issued this photograph of Moro, holding Wednesday’s paper. And, in a related story, “Weekend Update” has received proof of the well-being of another person feared dead – this photograph of former Teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa, shown holding today’s Daily News. Questioned as to his whereabouts all this time, Hoffa exclaimed that he had bee a regular on the “Lou Grant” TV series, and attributes his so-called disappearance to “low ratings”.

House and Senate conferees finally reached an agreement yesterday onnational gas pricing, a year and a day after President Carter unveiled his energy program. Energy Secretary James Schlessinger is encouraged, and says the only thing that got him through the last 12 months was watching the phenomenal success of his illegitimate son, comedian Steve Martin.

Believed to have been dead for the last five years, Lyndon Johnson, this week, gave a surprise visit to Jimmy Carter at the White House. Aging and white-haired, but looking remarkably fit, the former President said his death in 1973 was just a hoax. He then flew out to Missouri to visit Harry Truman.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because.. uh.. in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh.. an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris.. uh.. uptown to.. uh.. see if.. uh.. we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh.. you have the stuff?

Garrett Morris: Uh.. yeah..

Dan Aykroyd: Okay.. [ slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him ] Here’s some bread.. Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at “Weekend Update” advocate the smoking of arijuana. It’s just that a survey shows that 90% of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it’s for that minority that we’re doing this test.. [ examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett ] This looks really light..

Garrett Morris: No, man, it’s cool.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, give me the rest of the lid, man.

Garrett Morris: Look, it’s clean, man.. no seeds, no stems, that’s all.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, it’s under, it’s under..

Garrett Morris: Man, I can’t go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m sorry, Garrett, but that’s the third you’veshort-changed us. Everybody here’s gonna get really mad..

Garrett Morris: Please, man, don’t make me go back up there. They’re gonna beat me up again, man, I know.. [ inches away from the Update desk ]

Dan Aykroyd: [ to the audience ] We’ll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.

In New Delhi, the Indian Institute of Medicine has developed the world’s first nasal spray contraceptive. Although theoretically effective, doctors won’t be able to know conclusively until they find someone in India who practices nasal intercourse.

Dan Aykroyd: Tonight on “Point/Counterpoint”, Jane and I will argue Federal Aid for Abortions. Jane will take the Point for Federal Aid, and I will take the Counterpoint against. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Safe abortions have always been available to the rich, Dan. You simply want to deny them to the poor, and if you succeed, poor woman will be forced to get them anyway. They’ll beforced into the alleys with hangers, plungers and vacuum cleaners, risking death or mutilation. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Dan, you sadistic, elitist, sexist, racist, anti-humanist pig!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely. [ enraged ] Why should I pay hard-earned dollars so welfare tarts can have sex anytime they want, without regards to consequences? Haven’t these bimbos heard of abstinence? I, myself, haven’t had sex for two years – and I’m rich! Why should I foot the bill for killing unborn infants, anyway? I’ll pay for something practical like sterilization – but abortions? Never! With one exception – if I had been around when your mother was having you, not only would I have paid for the abortion, but I would have performed it myself!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late “Update” correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday NightNews”. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Troff ‘n’ Brew

Bill…..Steve Martin
Male Co-Worker #1…..Bill Murray
Female Co-Worker…..Jane Curtin
Male Co-Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Male Patron…..Tom Davis
Waitress #1…..Gilda Radner
Female Patron…..Rosie Shuster
Ray Swangen…..John Belushi
Ray’s Friend…..Dan Aykroyd
Waitress #2…..Laraine Newman
Other Patrons…..Anne Beatts, Jim Downey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller

[ open on group of four co-workers approaching elevator ]

Bill: So… where are we going to take lunch?

Male Co-worker #1: For God’s sake, let’s pick someplace close by.

Female Co-worker: Well, there’s Fujiwa.

Male Co-worker #2: No, no… Japanese food makes me sweat.

Female Co-worker: How about that Italian place?

Male Co-worker #1: I had Italian last night, if you don’t mind.

Bill: How about that new place, the Troff ‘n’ Brew?

Female Co-worker: Oh, I don’t know… I’ve been there once, and it was all right…

Bill: Come on! Let’s go there! It’s close by, they know me in there, it’s got great lighting, great chili. Come on, let’s go.

[ the elevator dings ]

Male Co-worker #1: I could use some chili.

[ they step into the elevator and grumble amongst themselves as the doors close ]

[ dissolve to the interior of the Troff ‘n’ Brew, Male Patron #1 leaning over a bucket drinking beer straight from the tap as Waitress #1 works the spigot. He then dunks his head into the bucket of beer. ]

[ slow pan across the chili trough, as various patrons lean over to eat their lunch, including Ray Swangen and his buddy ]

Ray’s Buddy: Ray… I’ll tell ya’ — I gotta go next week, and I gotta entertain Herb Cochran’s wife, and I was wondering if you could get me some tickets for the Yankee-Red Sox game. It might give me the opportunity I’ve been looking for to, you know, take his temperature, saw off any old wounds.

Ray Swangen: Uhhhh — no problem! I’ll send a memo to, uh, to Doris, and I’ll set it up. I’d like to have Herb Cock in my corner!

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah. Absolutely.

[ Waitress #2 steps forward with a fresh bucket of chili ]

Waitress #2: Everything okay here?

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah! It’s good!

Waitress #2: Heads up! More chili!

[ she pours the chili out of the bucket and even scoops the bottom of the bucket by hand. Ray and his buddy lean over to eat the fresh chili. ]

[ Bill and his co-workers enter and grab their bibs ]

Male Co-worker #2: Hey! This place is really nice! Who owns these Troff ‘n’ Brews, anyway?

Female Co-worker: Somebody told me it’s another Dining Associates chain. Six or seven of ’em just opened up in the city.

[ the two co-workers dig into the chili ]

Female Co-worker: This place isn’t always crowded. It’s good chili — I have to be careful not to eat too much, though.

[ pan over to Bill and his fellow co-worker digging into the chili ]

Male Co-worker #1: You know… we had better send that Telex out to Detroit right after lunch. I’m gonna step over here to a brew basin and wash this down with some cold brewski.

Bill: Yeah, I could suck back some cold beer.

[ they walk over to the beer buckets ]

[ pan over to Ray and his buddy slurping beer from a bucket in the far corner ]

Ray’s Buddy: Hey, Ray?

Ray Swangen: Yeah?

Ray’s Buddy: Who’s picking up the tab for this feast?

Ray Swangen: I’ll do it. I’ll sign in my company — I’m known here. [ he looks up ] Hey, Waitress!

Waitress #1: [ stepping forward ] Yes, Sir!

Ray Swangen: Uh — I’d like a tab. You know? Ray Swangen Industries.

Waitress #1: Uh, yeah — how many heads?

Ray Swangen: Two.

Waitress #1: Two head! Alright. Sign here. [ Ray signs the tab ] Thank you!

Ray’s Buddy: Ah, beautiful! Thanks a lot, Ray! I’ll get you next week.

Ray Swangen: Ah, whatever.

[ they continue to sip beer from the bucket, as an announcement comes over ]

P.A. V/O: The Troff ‘n’ Brew is closing for a one half-hour hosedown. Please stop feeding, pay your check, and LEAVE by the MAIN exit present!

[ Waitress #2 begins hosing off patrons’ faces ]

P.A. V/O: Please deposit your bibs in the Bib Bin and head to the MAIN exit! One half-hour hosedown —

[ patrons corral toward the exit like cattle, and make just as much noise in the process ]

[ pan upward into the audience, where one man peers over the balcony onto the stage with great interest ]

[ the camera zooms onto the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Looked Better In Ticket Line” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Theodoric Of York

Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin
William…..Dan Aykroyd
Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Joan…..Jane Curtin
Hunchback…..John Belushi
Drunkard…..Bill Murray

Announcer: [ over scolling SUPER ] “In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. The art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. The medieval barbers were the forerunners of today’s men of medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.”

William: Hello, Theodoric of York. Well, it’s springtime, and I’ve come for my haircut and bloodletting.

Theodoric of York: Hello, William, Son of Malcolm the Tanner. Have a seat. Broom Gilda, you start on William’s hair, and I’ll open a vein here.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: How’s that baby I delivered last Christmas when your wife died?

William: Oh, the little fellow is deformed.

Theodoric of York: Oh, that’s right. I remember now. [ cuts William’s vein, as his blood spills into a bowl ]

William: Ahhh..

Announcer: And now, it’s time for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”.

Theodoric of York: There you go. Looks like I have another patient. I’ll be back in a minute to see how you’re doing.

William: Right. Thank you.

[ Theodoric approaches Joan, who stands next to her daughter ]

Joan: Hello, Theodoric, Barber of York.

Theodoric of York: Hello, Joan, Wife of Simkin the Miller. Well, how’s my little patient doing?

Joan: Not so well, I fear. We followed all your instructions – I mixed powder of staghorn, gum of arabic with sheep’s urine, and applied it in a poultice to her face.

Theodoric of York: And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?

Joan: Oh, yes. But she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.

Theodoric of York: Well, let’s give her another bloodletting. Broom Gilda.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: Take two pints.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Joan: Will she be alright?

Theodoric of York: Well, I’ll do everything humanly possible. Unfortunately, we barbers aren’t gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago, they thought a disease like your daughter’s was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.

Joan: Well, I’m glad she’s in such good hands.

Hunchback: [ pulls Drunkard forward in a cart ] Is this Theodoric, Barber of York?

Theodoric of York: Say, don’t I know you?

Hunchback: Sure, you worked on my back.

Theodoric of York: What’s wrong with your friend here?

Hunchback: He broke his legs.

Drunkard: I was at the festival of the vernal equinox, and I guess I had a little too much mead.. and I darted out in front of an oxcart. It all happened so fast. They couldn’t stop in time.

Theodoric of York: Well, you’ll a lot better after a good bleeding.

Drunkard: But I’m bleeding already!

Theodoric of York: Say, whos the barber here?

Drunkard: Okay, okay, just do something for my legs.

Theodoric of York: Well, the three of us will get you up on the gibbet here. [ turns Drunkard upside-down, then spreads his legs apart ] Okay, now this is gonna hurt a little. What we’re doing is separating your broken bones, and if you don’t feel better tomorrow, we’ll just cut his legs off about here.

Drunkard: Okay. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna feel better tomorrow!

Theodoric of York: I guess this will teach you to go easy on the mead. Broom Gilda put a few leeches on his forehead.

[ Broom Gilda complies ]

Drunkard: Thank you.

Theodoric of York: [ to William ] When was the last time you came in for a worming?

William: I guess I’m due.. but I don’t have time today. Please accept my payment – this fine, fat goose. [ hands over goose ]

Theodoric of York: Thank you. Broom Gilda will give you your change. [ returns to Joan ] So, how’s the little patient doing?
Joan: She’s worse. She’s looking pale.

Theodoric of York: Well, if she’s not responding to treatment, I’m afriad we’ll have to run some more tests. Broom Gilda, bring me the Caladrius Bird.

Joan: Caladrius Bird?

Theodoric of York: Yes. The Caladrius Bird is placed beside a patient. If the bird looks at a patient’s face, she will live; but if it looks at her feet, she will die. Okay, now, Freddy, come on out. [ unleashes bird from cage, but it just flies off ] I don’t know how to interpret that. Did you see Broom Gilda?

Broom Gilda: No.

Theodoric of York: Well, I guess, take another pint from Isabelle – and while you’re at it, take two pints from the bird.

Broom Gilda: [ feels paitnet ] She’s dead.

Joan: Dead! Dead! I can’t believe it! My little daughter dead!

Theodoric of York: Now, Mrs. Miller, you’re distraught, tired.. you may be suffering from nervous exhaustion. I think you’d feel better if I let some of your blood.

Joan: You charlatan! You killed my daughter, just like you killed most of my other children! Why don’t you admit it! You don’t know what you’re doing!

Theodoric of York: [ steps toward the camera ] Wait a minute. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly folow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method”. Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! [ thinks for a minute ] Naaaaaahhh!

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”, when you’ll hear Theodoric say:

Theodoric of York: A little bloodletting and some boar’s vomit, and he’ll be fine!

[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Extra-Sensory Conception” ]

[ pan to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert

Don Kirshner…..Paul Shaffer
Jake Blues…..John Belushi
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Don Kirschner ]

Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner, and welcome to “Rock Concert”. In 1969, Marshall Checkers, of the legendary Checkers Records, called me on a new blues act that had been playing in a small, funky club on Chicago’s South Side. Today, with the help of Jerry Erdegan, and the staff of Pacific Records, their manager, Morey Daniels, and with the support of fellow artists Curtis Selgado and the Cray Band, they are no longer an authentic blues act, but have managed to become a viable commercial product. So now, let’s join “Joliet” Jake and his silent brother Elwood – The Blues Brothers.

[ pan down and dissolve to Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, performing on the stage below ]

Blues Brothers: [ singing ]
“I went balling the other night
I started drinking and got real tight
I blew each and all my friends
I felt so good I had to blow it again

I said Hey bartender
Hey man, looka here
A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer

Well I saw a chick sitting on the end
I said Baby can’t we be friends
You’re looking sweet as you can be
Well come on down and drink with me

I said Hey bartender
Hey man looka here
Draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer
Elwood!

Well we was having so much fun
I didn’t know it was half past one
I turned around to have on more
I looked at the clock and it was half past four

Hey bartender
Hey man look a here
A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer

Well jukebox girl is everything
All the cats began to sing
I heard somebody called and said
Last round for alcohol

I said Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Draw one, two, three, four glasses of beer.”

[ pan out and dissolve back to Don Kirschner up above ]

Don Kirschner: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

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  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Love Story

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Harold…..John Belushi

[ open in couple’s bedroom, night ]

Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.

Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?

Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!

Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.

Betty: Harold, are you listening?

Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]

Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?

Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?

Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!

Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!

Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.

Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!

Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!

Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!

Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.

Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.

Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]

Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?

Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!

Harold: [ smugly ] I know!

Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!

Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!

Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?

Harold: Yes.

Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!

Harold: You are?

Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.

Harold: Really?

Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.

Harold: Oh.

Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.

Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.

Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.

Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!

Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?

Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?

Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.

Harold: Alright.

Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.

Harold: Right.

Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!

Harold: Right…

Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!

Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready!

[ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]

Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!

Harold: I love the rubber gloves!

Betty: Yeah!

Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?

Harold: Sure, sure!

Betty: Okay!

Harold: Come on!

Betty: Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves!

[ they disappear under the covers and turn the lights off ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

King Tut

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: I’d like to talk seriously just for a moment. One of the great art exhibitions ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen – or King Tut. But I think it’s a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, T-shirts and posters. And three months ago I was up in the woods, and I wrote a song. I tried to use the ancient modalities and melodies. I’d like to do it for you right now. Maybe we can all learn something.

Steve Martin:
(King Tut. King Tut.)
Now when he was a young man, he never thought he’d see
People stand in line to see the boy king.

(King Tut)
How’d you get so funky?
(Funky Tut)
Did you do the monkey?
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
King Tut)

Now if I’d known they’d line up just to see him
I’d have taken all my money and bought me a museum.

(King Tut)
Buried with a donkey.
(King Tut)
He’s my favorite honky
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
King Tut)

(Tut! Tut!)
Dancing by the Nile!
(Disco Tut! Tut!)
The ladies love his style!
(Boss Tut! Tut!)
Walkin’ for a mile.
(Rockin’ Tut! Tut!)
He ate a crocodile.
(Oooooh, wah-ooooh)
He gave his life for tourism.

[ saxophonist pop out of crypt for a solo ]

Steve Martin: [ places electric blender at saxophonist’s feet ]Golden Idols! He’s an Egyptian!

Steve Martin:
Now when I die, now don’t think I’m a nut
Don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut!
(King Tut)
He could have won a Grammy.
(King Tut)
Buried in his jammies.
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
Born in Arizona)

Got a condo made o’ stone-a
(King Tut)

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  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: I think this has been a great show tonight, and I’m really happy to be here. I really want to thank, individually, the members of “Saturday Night”… because they’ve really been — [ moves his hand in a talking motion ] “Yeah, you’re a great show… yeah, yeah, yeah…” A great pee — proo — people of group to be with! I — I mean that sincerely when I say that, too! So, thanks a lot! We’ll see you — I don’t know how soon!

[ Steve waves to the crowd as the cast join him on stage ]

Announcer: Next week: Watch an encore performance of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Mary Kay Place and musical guest Willie Nelson. We’ll return live in three weeks on Saturday night, May 13th, when our host will be Richard Dreyfuss. And I’m here ALL THE TIME, if anyone wants to listen. This is Don Pardo, saying… “Good night.”

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