Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Two Wild and Crazy Guys

Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Cliff…..Garrett Morris
Fox #1…..Gild Radner
Fox #2…..Laraine Newman

[ those Wild and Crazy Guys, Yortuk and Georg Festrunk swingingly entertheir bachelor pad ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, Georg my brother, there will certainly be alot of swinging in our bachelor pad tonight!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughing and swinging ] Hold it! Let’s catchsome rays!

Yortuk Festrunk: You and what Army! [ they both laugh andswing ] Forget about it! [ they swing-motion towards their wet bar ] Ah, that fox bar was really something tonight. It was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal.

Georg Festrunk: And here is a thing I will tell you: thattwo swinging foxes have the hots-on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ pours some drinks ] Why not? There’s nothingpreventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!

Georg Festrunk: [ sips his drink and toasts Yortuk ] We are.. two wild and crazy guys!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ walks into the living room ] Oh, no.. our bachelor pad certainly is messed around. Soon, will be the foxes. Where is the portable floor vacuum that we brought with us from Czechoslavakia?

Georg Festrunk: Wait here now, and you’ll find out! [ hewheels out the oversized industrial floor vacuum – Yortuk sucks upeverything lying on their coffee table ] This floor vacuum is such awonderful household convenience that we’ve wanted for many years!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yes! Usually, in Czechoslavakia, only high party officials of the Communist Party can get them right away!

Georg Festrunk: I’m glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Fox-es! [ they put the vacuum away and swing successfully to the front door to answer it – no foxes, just their neighbor Cliff ] Cliff? Look who it is standing here, our swinging American buddy, Cliff.

Georg Festrunk: Slap my hand, black soul man! [ extends his hand, Cliff slaps it ]

Cliff: [ extends his hand for a slap back, but Georg is mesmorized staring at his own slapped hand ] Uh, hi Georg, hi Yortuk. Hey, man, I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys wanna go?

Yortuk Festrunk: No way! That’s your funeral! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Don’t come crawling to us. Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk Brothers!

Cliff: [ perplexed ] You.. got two ladies coming here tonight? I don’t believe it.

Georg Festrunk: We cruised for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!

Cliff: Wait a minute.. if these chicks were so interested, why didn’t they just come back with you, man?

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. They had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices.

Cliff: Uh, what..? The Statue of Liberty..?

Georg Festrunk: They told us that in America, many American parkrangers distribute birth control devices.

Yortuk Festrunk: Poor foxes. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.

Cliff: O-kay.. Yortuk, George.. sit down for a minute, I’ve got to talk to you. [ they all sit down on the couch ] Now, these chicks.. are not going to show up.

Yortuk Festrunk: Who told you that?!

Cliff: Man, you guys have been hosed, baby.

Georg Festrunk: [ excited ] Hosed?! Count me in! [ he andYortuk laugh ]

Cliff: No, no, no, no.. Uh.. hosed.. tricked.. I mean, they stood you up, man. They’re not coming here. These ladies figured, “Hey, we got these two Czechoslavakian dudes trying to pick us up – what do they know? Let’s hose ’em.” These chicks were lying, man.

Georg Festrunk: [ sad ] I blame myself.

Yortuk Festrunk: This really bums me out.

Georg Festrunk: We sure have a drag.

Cliff: Hey, look.. you’re good guys, man. But sometimes you come on too strong, man. Now, when we’re out partying, if you want to score with girls, you can’t keep running around yelling.. [ stands up and imitates the brothers ] ..”Let’s swi-i-ing! You wanna swi-i-ing?” Man, you gotta be cool, man! You’re in America! This is America!

Yortuk Festrunk: Cliff, you’re standing on the base now. Tonight, we did not swing successfully. I’m gonna talk with my brother Georg. [ they communicate for a moment in their native language ] Cliff, we have decided the Festrunk Brothers do not cruise correctly for fozes.

Georg Festrunk: We will never swing again..

Cliff: Look, come on, you guys.. now, look, don’t take it so hard. Let’s go to that party, man!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Who can this be?

Georg Festrunk: Someone for Cliff..

[ they move slowly to the door, barely swinging – but it’s the foxes ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Now are the foxes!!

Georg Festrunk: Hey, foxes! Clean up your act! [ the brothers laugh ]

Fox #1: Hi, Yortuk. Hi, Georg. Sorry we’re late.

Yortuk Festrunk: No hassles, man. Hey! Listen to Georg’s joke!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! [ to Fox #2 ] “How many astro-sign medallions can you wear?”

Fox #2: I don’t know, I..

Georg Festrunk: “Next time, try five of them!” [ the brothers laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Let’s go, chicks! Le-e-et’s swing!

[ they swing towards the bedroom – Georg notices Cliff still sitting onthe couch ]

Georg Festrunk: It’s okay, Cliff. Many American girls enjoy you, too. They enjoy your protruding buttocks all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ at the wet bar with the girls ] So get off myback, you big sex machine! Let’s get it on!

Georg Festrunk: So, now you know. We are.. two wild andcrazy guys!

[ pan out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Roy Rogers Trigger-Happy?” ]

[ fade out ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Dancing In The Dark

Man…..Steve Martin
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ open on a disco bar, people dancing and having fun ]

[ slow pan to Man sitting at bar alone lighting a cigarette, his eyes happento gaze on Her – Woman sitting at a table with two friends, who turns tonotice Him looking at her. He gets up, suave, reaches for her, as timestands still around them. He drops his cigarette to the floor, and togetherthey crush it with their feet, the moment beginning. ]

[ He takes her hand, and they dance straight across the floor. He runsahead, she follows behind, as he takes her hand and spins her in a circle.One foot in front of the other, they dance further across the room, thenseparate hands and throw them wildly in the air as they continue to dance,straight out of the scene and amongst the audience. He grabs her, and dipsher. They sit on the apron of the stage for a second, then she gets up anddances through the audience to the top of the stage they just sat below. Hefollows her atop the stage, retreats, then runs back up as she jumps intohis arm and he spins her around three times. They rub their backs on oneanother, then twist around, grab hands, stretch out and spin three moretimes. She falls into his chest, as he drags her to the back of the stage.He then grabs her raised leg and spins her around twice. They dart towardeach end of the stage, then he jumps down the steps so she can jump into hisarms. ]

[ Maniacally now, he carries her to her table and drops her back intoher chair. Then, as if nothing had happened between them, he returns to hisbar stool and lights another cigarette, as time returns to an animated state, and they remain strangers in the night. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 22nd, 1978

Steve Martin

The Blues Brothers

None

None

Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Brian Doyle-Murray

Al Franken

Mitchell Laurance

Rosie Shuster

Howard Shore

Anne Beatts

Tom Schiller
Rock ConcertSummary: Don Kirshner (Paul Shaffer) introduces brothers Jake (John Belushi) and Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd), who perform “Hey, Bartender”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin performs a magic trick that involves pickpocketing an unsuspecting audience member (Bill Murray).

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Hey You!Summary: Woman (Gilda Radner) garners attention by using the perfume for one-night stands.

Note: Repeat from: 77g.

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: Georg (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are glum when Cliff (Garrett Morris) convinces them they’ve been “hosed” by a couple of chicks (Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner) who have kept them waiting so they can pick up borth control devices at the Statue of Liberty.

Recurring Characters: Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk, Cliff.

Transcript

Theodoric of York, Medieval BarberSummary: Theodoric of York (Steve Martin) improvises medicinal tactics even though it remains an unperfected art in the medieval age.

Recurring Characters: Theodoric of York, Broom Gilda.

Transcript

Dancing In The DarkSummary: Time stands still as strangers (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner) dance wildly through a swanky nightclub.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Dan Aykroyd pays Garrett Morris to pick up a supply of marijuana so he can perform a paraquat test. Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin perform a Point/Counterpoint on federal aid for abortions.

Transcript

Steve Martin performs “King Tut”Transcript

Love StorySummary: Husband (John Belushi) and wife (Jane Curtin) fill each other with tales of extramarital affairs in order to help get themselves in the mood for one another in the bedroom.

Transcript

Swan Lake BalletSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, ballerinas perform “Swan Lake” alongside hip hop dancers.

Troff ‘n’ BrewSummary: Business executives (Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi) feast like hogs at the trendy Troff ‘n’ Brew restaurant.

Transcript

Nerds Science FairSummary: Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray) enter their Dialing For Toast exhibit in the school Science Fair, where they compete against Charles “The Spaz” Knerlman (Steve Martin) and his scret project.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Charles Knerlman.

The Blues Brothers perform “I Don’t Know”

Next Week In ReviewSummary: Maxine Universe (Laraine Newman) moderates as psychics (Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin) predict world events of the very-near future.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker

Johnny…..Bill Murray
Susie…..Laraine Newman
Teacher…..Jane Curtin
Josh Ramsey…..Michael Sarrazin
Student…..Garrett Morris
Cheerleader #1…..Rosie Shuster
Cheerleader #2…..Anne Beatts
Teammate…..John Belushi
Mr. Ludlow…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Ludlow…..Gilda Radner

[ open on classroom setting ]

Johnny: Hey, Susie — I haven’t told my parents yet, but I’ve decided not to go away to college next year so that we can get married.

Susie: Oh, Johnny! That makes me SO happy!

[ they kiss ]

Teacher: Okay, okay — quiet down, class! Quiet down! Now… for Home Room, we have a guest — Mr. Josh Ramsey, who was nice enough to come over from the County Health Clinic to talk to us. Mr. Ramsey?

[ the class claps ]

Josh Ramsey: Thank you, Miss Henderson. I’ve come to talk to you all on a problem that’s reached near-epidemic proportions here at Lincoln High. I’m talking, of course, about venereal disease.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker”.

[ Josh Ramsey appears in iris over title card ]

Announcer: Starring Peter Fonda as Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker.

[ dissolve to full classroom set once again ]

Josh Ramsey: Now, I heard some of you giggle when I said “V.D.” — and, actually, that’s quite natural. People giggle at things they don’t understand — especially sex. That’s right — sex! And it’s virtually impossible to get V.D. except through sexual contact. ANYONE who tells you you can get V.D. through a doorknob or a toilet seat is just full of PRUNES! V.D. can cause blindness, insanity, even death! Let me show you something here… [ he holds up a grotesque photo, causing one female student to gasp ] Yes. This is a picture of a man in the third stage of syphillis. If you have a genital sore, a body rash, a burning sensation when urinating, or a milky emission, you may have venereal disease. Now, we at the County Health Clinic want you to come in and see us if you think you MIGHT have V.D.! And there’s NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Anybody can get V.D.: Middle class, intelligent, nice people. Now, are there any questions?

Student: [ reluctantly ] Uh… yeah. Uh… did, uh, you ever, uh, have V.D.?

Josh Ramsey: [ taken aback ] Nooo!

[ the bell rings ]

Teacher: Now, wait just a second! Wait just a second, everybody! Now, I think what Mr. Ramsey said is very important, and I want you all to think about it. Okay… you can go.

[ everyone rushes out of the classroom ]

Johnny: [ to Susie ] Hey, uh… see you after the big game tonight.

Susie: Okay, Johnny!

[ Johnny exits the classroom, as Susie pauses, then approaches Josh Ramsey ]

Susie: Uh — Mr. Ramsey, I wonder if I could come visit you at the Clinic?

Josh Ramsey: Sure. Why not after school?

Susie: Well… I’d have to skip cheerleader practice, but… I guess it’s kind of important.

[ music sting, as we dissolve to the exterior of the V.D. Clinic ]

[ dissolve to school hallway, as two cheerleaders meet at the lockers ]

Cheerleader #1: It isn’t like Susie to miss practice!

Cheerleader #2: I hope there isn’t anything wrong!

Cheerleader #1: God… I hope not!

[ dissolve to V.D. Clinic, zoom in to window ]

[ dissolve to Susie in Josh Ramsey’s office ]

Susie: …So I decided to come see you.

Josh Ramsey: I’m glad you did, Susie. It certainly sounds like V.D. to me.

Susie: Do I get my penicillin shot now?

Josh Ramsey: Well, let’s wait until the tests come back. But NO SEX, Susie!

Susie: Oh, I know. Well… thanks. I guess I’ll go now.

Josh Ramsey: Fine — as soon as you give me the list of your sexual contacts.

Susie: [ worried ] Sexual contacts?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. You know — any boys you’ve had sex with. Or girls. [ Susie gasps ] Not — there’s nothing to be embarrassed about!

Susie: [ sobbing ] But… I can’t!

Josh Ramsey: Susie… friends with whom you’ve had sex with could suffer irreversible physical and mental damage, if you don’t tell me who they are!

Susie: But… but JOHNNY!!

Josh Ramsey: [ he grabs a pen and writes ] Johnny? Johnny who?

Susie: We were gonna get married! If he finds out I have V.D., he’ll know I had sex with someone else.

Josh Ramsey: Maybe he gave it to you.

Susie: Nooo. Johnny’s super-straight! I must have gotten it that one time, that one STUPID time!

Josh Ramsey: Susie… you owe it to the other boy and, most of all, you owe it to Johnny. Now, tell me — Johnny’s last name?

Susie: I can’t! I love him!

Josh Ramsey: Don’t you realize — he’ll find out sooner or later!

Susie: No! Maybe he doesn’t have to. Maybe… I could get one of my girlfriends to SEDUCE him and… then he’ll think SHE gave it to him! It’s a weird idea, but a possiblity!

Josh Ramsey: Susie, you can’t play games with venereal disease. It’s a LOADED pistol pointed right at your CROTCH!

[ dissolve to Johnny and his teammate coming out of basketball practice ]

Teammate: I’m feeling great!

Johnny: Yeah, me, too, man! We’re gonna STOMP Washington tonight, for sure!

Teammate: Yeah!

Johnny: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Teammate: Okay.

[ Johnny enters the boy’s room ]

[ from within, he screams painfully, then emerges from the boy’s room ]

Johnny: Boy… my penis sure hurts when I urinate!

Teammate: [ thinking ] Hey… you heard what that guy from the health clinic said? Maybe you got V.D.!

Johnny: Ah, I gave that a thought, but it’s impossible! He said that the only way you can get V.D. is from sex. The only girl I’ve had sex with is Susie!

Teammate: Well, maybe she gave it to you.

Johnny: [ sour ] If you ever say that… about Susie again… I’ll KILL you!

Teammate: Okay… okay…

[ Johnny storms off, as his teammate makes faces in his wake ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of a basketball game being played, as an intercom irises in the middle ]

Intercom V/O: Your attention, please. Your attention, please. Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please come to the First Aid station. She has venereal disease. Repeat: Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please report to the First Aid station immediately. She has venereal disease.

[ dissolve to the Ludlow household, as Johnny enters ]

Mr. Ludlow: Well, Son… I heard you won the game.

Johnny: Yeah.

Mr. Ludlow: [ chuckling ] It must feel great!

Johnny: Yeah. [ he sits next to his dad ]

Mrs. Ludlow: No. Something’s wrong. A mother can ALWAYS tell!

Mr. Ludlow: [ reading the newspaper ] Ah, there’s a picture in the paper of Susie Edwards. She’s a friend of yours, isn’t she, Johnny? [ he looks at the newspaper again ] It says here… she has venereal disease.

Mrs. Ludlow: Maybe you shouldn’t be seeing that kind of girl, Johnny.

Mr. Ludlow: [ still reading ] It says here that health authorities are looking for two boys who have had sex with her — one named Johnny.

Mrs. Ludlow: Johnny?!

Mr. Ludlow: Johnny? Have you been… being with Susie Edwards?!

Johnny: Yes! I’ve had SEX with her, if THAT’S what you mean!

Mrs. Ludlow: OHHH, MYYY GODDDD!!

Mr. Ludlow: HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX!! [ he swats Johnny with his newspaper ] Did you do it with any OTHER LITTLE SLUTS?!!

Johnny: NO!!! I loved Susie! I wanted to marry her!

Mr. Ludlow: [ outraged ] MARRY her?!! How could you want to marry a girl you’ve had SEX with?! My mother once told me: “Why eat GARBAGE on your wedding night when you can eat STEAK?!”

Johnny: [ crying ] I’m so confused!!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Mr. Ludlow: The doorbell! Who could THIS be at THIS time of night?!

[ he answers the door to Susie and Josh Ramsey ]

Josh Ramsey: Hi. I’m Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker. [ he shakes Mr. Ludlow’s hand ] You must be Johnny’s father.

Mr. Ludlow: Yes… I am.

Josh Ramsey: If it’s okay, we’d like to have a few words with you.

Mr. Ludlow: Does she have to come in?

Josh Ramsey: I think it’s the right thing to do, Mr. Ludlow.

Mrs. Ludlow: [ upset ] Alright! She can come in, but she CAN’T use the BATHROOM!!

Susie: [ sobbing ] Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow… [ she sits next to Johnny ]

Johnny: Well — if she’s coming in, I’m leaving!

Josh Ramsey: Now, wait a minute, Johnny! Susie came here at MY insistence.

Susie: I’m sorry I hurt you, Johnny! I hope you don’t HATE me!

Johnny: I’m sorry, but… I do.

Josh Ramsey: It’s okay to hate her, Johnny. She knew the risks she was taking when she had sex with another boy.

Susie: It was just ONCE! I SWEAR it!

Johnny: I’m sorry, but I can’t believe you any more, Susie. I never want to see you again!

[ the phone rings ]

Mrs. Ludlow: I’ll get it! [ she answers the phone ] Hello?

Voice on Phone: Hello. This is the County Health Clinic. Is V.D. Caseworker Josh Ramsey there?

Mrs. Ludlow: Yes, he is. Mr. Ramsey, it’s for you.

Josh Ramsey: Oh. Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow. [ he takes the phone ] Josh Ramsey.

Voice on Phone: Josh — those test results are in on the Edwards girl. It’s not gonnorhea — she’s got a simple yeast infection.

Josh Ramsey: Ahhhh. Thank you, Seth.

Voice on Phone: Check that.

[ Josh Ramsey hangs up the phone ]

Josh Ramsey: Well, say, everybody. I have some interesting news. It seems that Susie doesn’t have venereal disease after all. It’s just a simple yeast infection.

Mr. Ludlow: Yeast infection?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. An unpleasant infection caused by any number of things, but NOT V.D. Well, I guess you won’t be needing that penicillin shot, Susie.

Johnny: [ confused ] But how come my penis hurts so much when I urinate?

Josh Ramsey: Well… it’s probably non-specific urinthritis aggravated by Susie’s yeast infection. Nothing serious, Johnny. Just ease off sex for a while, stay away from alcohol, and drink a lot of cranberry juice… you’ll be fine.

Susie: [ sweetly ] Johnny… do you still hate me?

Johnny: [ he grins ] Yes. I still hate you.

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Michael Sarrazin’s Monologue

…..Michael Sarrazin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Sarrazin!

Michael Sarrazin: I’m really happy to be here. You know, at first I was a bit apprehensive to do a show like this. I mean, I’ve done a lot of movies, but this is a totally different experience for me. But everybody’s been real nice around here — even though a lot of them have been busy doing their tax returns, and, well, nobody’s real happy around tax time, are they? I’m also a little bit nervous about doing this show tonight because April 15th — besides being tax day — is the 66th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. [ some audience members clap ] Another good omen, huh? But worst of all — it’s also Booth Day. Now, probably, a lot of you don’t know about Booth Day. April 15th is the day that Abraham Lincoln died. He was, of course, shot by John Wilkes Booth… [ a beat ] an actor. [ the audience laughs ] Yeah. Well, Booth gave us actors a very bad reputation. You know, it’s a superstition in the theater that Booth Day will be a bad luck day in the theater until a president assassinates an actor. But I think we’re safe. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that this Booth Day will be an exception, and that nothing will go wrong.

So! We’ll be right back!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

La Dolce Gilda

Written by: Tom Schiller

…..Gilda Radner
Actress…..Laraine Newman
Actor…..John Belushi
Marcello…..Dan Aykroyd
Priest 1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Priest 2…..Alan Zweibel
Abraham Lincoln…..Bill Murray

SCHILLER’S REEL … WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM SCHILLER

[ film opens with Gilda stepping out of a limosine to the sound of her chanting fans ]

Crowd: Gilda!! Gilda!!

[ an actress leads Gilda through the crowd ]

Voice: Gilda, blow me a kiss! I’m your biggest fan!

[ cut to Gilda seated at a table with the actress, as Marcello joins them ]

Woman: Ciao, Marcello! Still sleeping with Gilda, eh?

Actress: Oh, God! This place is FULL of television people! [ looks offscreen ] Jean-Paul! Champagne and caviar — I’m dying of thirst!

Man: The early Fitzgerald was good — but then came an orgy of Buddha realism.

Woman: I never watch television! Never! I don’t even OWN a television! Electricity is EVIL! It KILLS the creative mindset!

Marcello: [ whispering into Gilda’s ear ] Gilda… don’t you find these people boring and stupid? Let us go to the Coliseum and make love. It is almost dawn!

[ as a pair of priests observe, Marcello stands and leaves Gilda ]

Gilda Radner: Don’t leave me, Marcello! Don’t go!

Marcello: I must RIDE this enchanting tigress!

[ the Tigress crouches to the ground as Marcello climbs onto her back ]

Marcello: Stay down, while I RIDE you! I’ll show these boring people how to have fun! Hee-hee-hee! Just like wild horses! Faster! Faster! Yippee!

[ an Italian actor approaches Gilda and begins to sweet-talk her; others join in ]

Voice: Gilda! Gilda, my child! Don’t you remember me?!

[ the Tigress collapses under Marcello’s weight ]

Marcello: FASTER!! FASTER!! YES, YES, YES!!

Woman: [ attempting to shove food toward Gilda ] Manga! Manga! Eat-a something!

Gilda Radner: I’m not hungry! I’m not hungry!

Crowd: GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!!

[ distraught, Gilda runs from the crowd as the music crescendoes ]

[ cut to Gilda walking away alone; she turns around ]

Gilda Radner: You’re still following me? Stop! Leave me alone! [ walks away, then turns around and smiles] I’m just teasing. Come here. Come.. closer. You know I love you, my little monkeys. But leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. I love to play. Every time I play.. you win. Ciao. [ she walks away ]

[ a mime holding a balloon opens his coat to reveal a paper heart glued to his chest, then releases his balloon into the air ]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot. At the center is Abraham Lincoln, who looks astonished to see the camera. It starts to zoom in on Lincoln, so he attempts to point it toward the man to his left. The camera zooms closer, so Lincoln points it toward the woman to his right. The camera complies, causing the woman to laugh as the SUPER appears: “Glad To Be Anywhere” ]

[ fade to black ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Goodnights

…..Michael Sarrazin

Michael Sarrazin: Well… that’s it for this evening. It wasn’t such a bad Booth Day, was it? I’d like to thank — [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! Thank you! I’d like to thank Mr. Keith Jarrett! [ the audience applauds ] Howard Johnson and the group Gravity! Alright! [ the audience applauds ] The people who helped me THROUGH all this — The Not Ready For Prime Time Players! Come on in, guys! [ the cast swarms the stage ] Mr. Lorne Michaels. [ he begins to shake hands with the cast as the credits begin to roll ]

[ Bill Murray points out his t-shirt, as Dan Aykroyd lifts him into the air ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Steve Martin with musical guest The Blues Brothers. This is Don Pardo: His Mouth and His Microphone. Good night.

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  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Archaeologicus

Tina Gemini…..Laraine Newman
Voice of Morton Kamen…..John Belushi

[ open on futuristic stage setting ]

Announcer: The Magna Corcorde Hovercraft Systems Group presents… “Archaeologicus”, with your host Tina Gemini.

[ Tina Gemini enters the stage ]

Tina Gemini: Good evening. I’m Tina Gemini. On April 12th, 1962, a group of explorers working in the blistering desert heat in a small commuity near Palm Springs entered this small corridor… [ she points to a diagram on an easel of an aerial view of a hotel ] Exactly fifty paces away, they broke into a sealed opening to this chamber within… that beheld some of the most splendid examples of funerary riches known to mankind. The relics of an age gone by, perfectly preserved for us today. Join me as we discover together… “The Treasures of Morton Kamen”.

[ camera zooms in on the diagram, as the title appears over it ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen and his wife ]

Tina Gemini V/O: At the moment of Morton Kamen’s death, the air conditioning in the sealed chamber was set so low that everything, including his wife Shirley, has been perfectly preserved.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen’s shoes ]

Tina Gemini V/O: All we know about Morton Kamen is that he was an incredibly rich man who surrounded himself with the spoils of his civilization. Powerful amulets protected his feet.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of an Alligator shirt ]

Tina Gemini V/O: While potent animal symbols, like the holy alligator were used to protect his life. He had literally hundreds of tunics like this, in virtually every color of the rainbow.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of cookware ]

Tina Gemini V/O: The sacrificial feasts were prepared in this vessel, and, miraculously, the remains of a freshwater tuna fish and noodle offering are as fresh today as the day as the day it was prepared.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen’s golf cart and golf accessories ]

Tina Gemini V/O: And here, the most exciting of the riches, is the famous golden chariot of Morton Kamen, used, we believe, in an ancient ritual utilizing long sticks to bat tiny balls into holes in the ground for public adulation.

[ dissolve back to Tina Gemini, holding an audiotape recorder ]

Tina Gemini: Another find was this primitive recording device, which enables us to actually hear Morton Kamen’s voice and this strange message. [ she presses Play ]

Voice of Morton Kamen: [ thickly Jewish ] Hello! Morton and Shirley are out right now, but we’ll be good to get back if you’ll leave your name and number after the beep tone. Have a nice day. [ beeeeep ]

Tina Gemini: [ she turns it off ] Did that beep-frequency brainwash callers into obedience toward Morton Kamen? You can see that people were treated as slaves with numbers instead of names. But — perhaps the most enigmatic find in Morton Kamen’s tomb… is this pair of zippered rubber underpants. [ she removes them from their display case ] They were found hidden in a compartment near the water chamber. Attached to them was this strange “curse” of Morton Kamen: [ she reads the label ] “Sale of this novelty item to minors is forbidden by law.” Until we fully discover the significance of rubber underwear, this admonition will remain as much a mystery as why Moton Kamen and his wife Shirley were preserved to begin with. Until then, I bid thee a good night.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to pan across audience balcony, stopping on a woman with SUPER: “Often Mistaken For Unknown” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

The President’s Message on Inflation

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman

[ open on White House exterior slide ]

Announcer: And now, from the White House: The President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Jimmy Carter seated before plants at the fireplace ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, my fellow Americans. In the past, I have given fireside chats. Tonight, because it is Spring, I’ve chosen to give a plantside chat. [ he smiles ] I love the Spring! Everything grows — the plants, the trees, little baby animals. But some things don’t. Some things grow that we don’t to grow, like inflation. Inflation is our nation’s number-one problem, yet most people don’t even understand it. But it’s really quite simple: Inflation is caused by too many dollars chasing too few goods. Now, the easiest way to get money out of circulation is to maintain high unemployment, so people won’t have jobs and money to spend. This is a program my administration has ACTIVELY pursued. Yet, inflation continues to rise. So, tonight, I’m proposing a new program, one which will call on all Americans to sacrifice again… but which, however, will have immediate effect. I’m asking each and every American to take 8% of your money and burn it! Now, I know — I know you might be saying, “Why, that sounds crazy, Jimmy!” But if all of us burn 8% of our money, less money will be in circulation, and in no time at all, prices will hopefully go down. So you’ll be ale to save MORE of your money for future burnings.

Now, the most difficult thing about asking for mutual sacrifice… is who will sacrifice first? Since i’m the President, I feel that the sacrifice should start in my own family. Amy? [ Amy scoots forward with her peanut piggy bank ] I have asked my daughter Amy to bring down her savings. Sweetheart? How much do you have in your peanut butter bank?

Amy Carter: Well, Daddy… I saved twelve dollars and fifty cents!

President Jimmy Carter: Good! Now, Honeybunch, can you figure out what 8% of twelve dollars and fifty cents is?

Amy Carter: Sure, Daddy. [ she takes out her calculator and does the math ] 8% of $12.50… is a DOLLAR! Exactly a dollar, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, Amy — give me a dollar.

Amy Carter: Okay, Daddy. [ she pulls out a dollar and hands it over ]

President Jimmy Carter: You know what we’re gonna do.

Amy Carter: [ excited ] We’re gonna BURN the dollar, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: That’s right, Peanut Butter Cup. And do you know why?

Amy Carter: To fight INFLATION!

President Jimmy Carter: [ trying in vain to spark up a cigarette lighter ] We’re trying to save fuel here at the White House. We’re trying to save on butane. [ he lights a match from a matchbook instead ] You’re a good girl, Amy.

[ he lights the dollar bill and drops it in an ashtray labeled “The BUCK BURNS here!” ]

President Jimmy Carter: Now, I’m asking all Americans to follow an example set here tonight. Monday morning, go to the bank and withdraw 8% of your money and burn it. If everyone cooperates, prices may not go lower, but they will be well on their way towards stabilizing — you can depend on it!

Amy Carter: Daddy, can I say it?

President Jimmy Carter: Well, Eskimo Pie — we got to burn your money, so why don’t we let Daddy say it?

Amy Carter: Oh, PLEASE, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: Okay! If you really want to do it, Four Eyes!

Amy Carter: [ excited ] Oh, oh boy! “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 15th, 1978

Michael Sarrazin

Keith Jarrett

Gravity

None

None

Anne Beatts

Rosie Shuster

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurance

Andy Murphy

Alan Zweibel
The President’s Message on InflationSummary: In an effort to cut down on inflation, President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) urges Americans to burn 8% of their savings.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Michael Sarrazin’s MonologueSummary: Michael Sarrazin is nervous about hosting the show on the anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination.

Transcript

Angora BouquetSummary: The soap so pure that it can wash a housewife’s (Jane Curtin) mind.

Note: Repeat from: 77c.

Josh Ramsey: V.D. CaseworkerSummary: Josh Ramsey (Michael Sarrazin) is on the case when high school student Susie (Laraine Newman) thinks she may have venereal disease but is afraid to let her boyfriend Johnny (Bill Murray) find out.

Transcript

Keith Jarrett performs “Country”

The Hate Jennifer ShowSummary: Alone in her family’s living room, Judy Miller (Gilda Radner) hosts a show about how much she hates her sister Jennifer.

Recurring Characters: Judy Miller.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Bill Murray interviews “American Hot Wax” star Laraine Newman. Point-Counterpoint. Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Penalty BoxSummary:

E. Buzz Miller’s Exercise WorldSummary: E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd) spots Christy Christina (Laraine Newman) as she performs a number of naughty exercise routines.

Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller, Christy Christina.

Keith Jarrett performs “My Song”

Schiller’s Reel: La Dolce GildaSummary: In a film by Tom Schiller, Gilda Radner’s life at an SNL after-party takes on a Fellini-esque quality.

Transcript

ArchaeologicusSummary:

Transcript

Gravity performs “Tuba City Gitback”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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