Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue
[A graphic reads: Least-Loved Bedtime Tales. Dissolveto that thin, bearded literary genius, MichaelO’Donoghue — perhaps better known as “Mr. Mike” –directly addressing the camera. He wears a dark suit,no tie, a white shirt open at the collar, dark glassesand an adhesive bandage on his left temple.]
Michael O’Donoghue: Good evening, I’m MichaelO’Donoghue and tonight’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tale’sentitled “The Enchanted Thermos” and it takes place inthe frozen north. Picture this: an Eskimo — in fact– in fact, the LITTLEST Eskimo — how’s that, huh?The LITTLEST Eskimo is lost in the trackless waste –cold, tired, half-dead from hunger. Then, in thedistance, he spots a brightly colored Thermos buriedin a snowdrift. He races toward it, his tiny heartpounding with excitement. Obviously, since he IS theLITTLEST Eskimo, he’d have a tiny heart, perhaps eventhe tiniest. Picking up the Thermos, he unscrews thered plastic top that also serves as a cup, pulls therubber stopper, and — kazam! — out pops a genie in aparka who says, “I can give you anything you want aslong as it’s made out of snow.” “I’m SO hungry,” saidthe Eskimo, “Could you please make me dinner?” “Surething,” replied the genie and within seconds he hadprepared a delicious dinner of snow cutlets stuffedwith snow, snow casserole, snow patties, snow salad, aside of snow, snow pudding, and a generous glass ofslush. “Oh, boy!” exclaimed the littlest Eskimo, tooka few bites and fell into a coma. About ten minuteslater, he was dead. The genie went through his pocketsand then crawled back inside the Thermos to get warm.The end. I would like to leave you with this thought.As you probably know, the fingernails do continue togrow after death so, in a sense — in a very realsense — we all turn into Chinese mandarins beyond thegrave. Good night.
[Dissolve to the graphic that reads: Least-LovedBedtime Tales.]
Buck Henry: Thank you all very much! I’d like to say that it’s nice to be with this incredible crew of actors and performers. You know, you’ve read a lot of stuff about the Not Ready For Prime Time Players in the newspapers, and what you’ve read is junk – none of it is true. They’re average, terrific, talented kids.. and-
Take Jane Curtin, for instance. That cool.. interesting-looking beauty. Uh.. she’s got a perfectly normal life – she lives with her husband, and they do what every couple doe.. and every Saturday night, when it’s showtime, all those bruises have disappeared. There isn’t a scar, there isn’t a welt, there isn’t a mark – nothing!
Belushi? A great character actor. You’ve seen him play part after part, and he’s really sensational. There is no way to tell how heavily in debt ot the mafia he is. I mean, that’s got nothing to do with his talent!
Laraine? She’s twenty-three – twenty-three years old! And that’s a talented kid – where does she get it? They say that, you know, comedy often comes from pain – and sure, probably a lot of people have heard it. A lot of men have heard it. Hundreds of men have heard it. Hundreds, maybe thousands. But that has nothing to do with what she gives us out here every Saturday.
And Danny? Aykroyd? You think he’s weird? Weird? ‘Cause he sleeps with a bicycle chain in his mouth?! That’s not weird! He loves – has love – he’s filled with love. Not people; animals, mostly. Uh.. there’s a goat in his dressing room – he didn’t want me to tell you about that..
Listen! Let’s talk about Gilda for a moment. She is perhaps the sweetest member of the group. She’s got the biggest heart, she’s close to her family. Very close to her brother.. she lives with her brother.. she’s extremely close to her brother. Her doctor is.. worired. Not alarmed – he just thinks a child at this time would be unwise.
But.. what.. I mean, these things don’t matter – let’s take Garrett Morris. Talk about talent! He can act, he can sing, he can dance – I’ve seen his writing, it’s sensational! He’s got another talent you probably don’t- [ stops himself ] ..He’d be embarrassed, if I, uh.. told you. Oh, well. [ a beat ] Cannibalism. I mean, uh.. [ catches himself ] I’m sorry.. did I say “cannibalism”? I meant, “skiing”. I must have been thinking of the.. Alps and the Andes, and that.. that.. thing.. well, what does it matter! He.. he skis and he’s a wonderful cook, and he goes up in that lodge in the Andes and he.. and he cooks, and uh.. Leg of White Men – stuff like that! He’s an incredible guy.
Now, let’s talk about Chevy. As you know, it’s his last show. And you probably think, from reading in the papers, that he’s going to Hollywood, he’s going to fame, fortune and all that garbage. He is not interested, he doesn’t give a hoot.. about his career. He is leaving this show Monday.. simply to be with Lloyd. They’re opening a dress shop together and with what Lloyd knows about business, and Chevy’s interest in, and knowledge about, women’s clothes, we know it’s going to be successful, and we wish them the very best and we’ll be right back!
Buck Henry: Thank you, folks! and thank you, Garrett, wherever you are.
[ the cast surrounds Buck, all of them dressed similarly with their heads in bandages, as they have been for most of the show since Buck’s accident in the Samurai Stockbroker sketch. John Belushi has his entire head wrapped in bandages, as he stands next to Buck Henry and pretends to be a reporter.]
[ Chevy Chase approaches Michael O’Donoghue and the other members of the cast and hugs them goodbye one at a time ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend” with Lloyd Dobbins. We’ll be back with a brand-new show on November 13th, two weeks from tonight. This is don Pardo, reminding you to set your clocks back one hour. Good night.
Pitchman: Witches, warlocks, conjurers,sorcerers, black magicians, white magicians, are youhaving trouble mixing your potions in time for thewinter solstice? [pull back to reveal the pitchman inmagician’s robe standing before a table complete withlit candles, a book of magic, mortar and pestle,blender with a bat icon on it – picks up mortar andpestle] Is your sorcery getting hung up because of thehours you spend mixing and blending your remedies?Then you need Rovco’s amazing new witch’s aid, theSuper-Bat-O-Matic ’77! [SUPER: BAT-O-MATIC]
You never have to use mortar, pestle or cauldronagain. Super-Bat-O-Matic cuts, chops, slices, dices,mixes and blends herbs, plants, twigs, sprigs, leaves,branches, claws, teeth, eyes, ears, skin, hair, blood,flies, insects, limbs and organs of all kinds, toads,lizards, newts, mice, rats and bats FASTER than youcan knife a goat! [picks up a book] Take this eleventhcentury remedy from the Key of Alcazar: Potion to WinLove and Shrink Hives. Feather of a young hawk, belly of a fly, Blood, bile of an ox, A lizard’s lung, Say “Sarax, sarax!” And your will is done. [dumps contents of black bag into blender] Seven threads, a hangman’s garment. Basil, wolfbane and a shoot of wintermint. To this, add the eye of a rat. [drops rat eye intoblender] And mix in the body of one whole bat! [holds up the small quivering body a dead bat] Yes! Mix in the body of one whole bat! Remember what achore that USED to be?! Now, it’s fast and it’s easywith Rovco’s Bat-O-Matic! [drops bat in blender]Here’s how it works.
[puts top on blender, pushes button – blender blendscontents into a brown liquid – pitchman chantswordlessly as if speaking in tongues – Cut to womanwith glass of similarly brown liquid. To the crowd’shorror, she drinks from it, then smiles into thecamera:]
Bat-Drinker: Wow! That’s great bat! And a greatpotion, too. I’m in love and my hives arecured!
Pitchman: With Bat-O-Matic, you can prepare asmany bat-based potions as you like without pounding,grinding or mixing by hand. Throw away that mortar,pestle and cauldron! [briefly holds up mortar, pestleand tiny cauldron] Get the Super-Bat-O-Matic ’77! Itworks like magic! [starts up blender – SUPER:BAT-O-MATIC]
Don Pardo V/O: Bat-O-Matic — at alchemistseverywhere!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 2: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 30th, 1976 Buck Henry The Band None None Alan Zweibel Marilyn Suzanne Miller Michael O’Donoghue Land SharkSummary: The Land Shark (Chevy Chase) attacks a woman (Gilda Radner) long after the trick-or-treaters have subsided. Transcript
Montage
Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry casually reveals deep, dark secrets about the cast. First Hosted: 75j. Transcript
Samurai StockbrokerSummary: Thanks to Futaba’s (John Belushi) faulty financial advice, Mr. Dantley (Buck Henry) discovers that he’s bankrupt. Note: Buck Henry is nicked in the head by the samurai sword when John Belushi thrusts it too close to his head, then, due to the shock, he also experiences trouble jumping through the makeshift window. Afterwards, Henry was mysteriously examined by Belushi’s own personal physician who was on hand in the studio. Recurring Characters: Samurai, Mr. Dantley. Transcript
Not For First Ladies OnlySummary: Barbara Walters (Gilda Radner) question Betty Ford (Jane Curtin) and Rosalyn Carter (Laraine Newman) on why they will be a great First Lady. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Betty Ford, Rosaylnn Carter.
RootsSummary: Garrett Morris takes a look back at some of the famous people his ancestors have had relations with.
Debate ’76Summary: President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) and Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tackle the final issues prior to the election in the style of a beauty pageant. Recurring Characters: Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter.
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase examines a pair of unreleased Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter campaign ads. Jane Curtin reads celebrity news items. Chevy Chase demonstrates the Game of the Week, then receives a phone call from the dead Generalissimo Francisco Franco. Transcript
Super Bat-O-Matic ’77Summary: Warlock spokesman (Dan Akroyd) shows how to blend magic potions the easy way. Transcript
The Band performs “Life Is A Carnival”, “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down”, and “Stage Fright”Bio: Canadian-American rock group; first performed as Ronnie Hawkins back-up band, The Hawks; disbanded in 1976, with a farewell tour on Thanksgiving Day; Martin Scorcese filmed their final concert and released it as documentary “The Last Waltz” (1978); members: Robbie Robertson, Richard Manuel, Garth Hudson, Rick Danko, Levon Helm. Lyrics
The OintMENtSummary: Ambassador Thorne (Buck Henry) searches in vain for demon-child Damien’s (John Belushi) real parents. Transcript
It’s Halloween TonightSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Buck Henry is made up to look like a woman.
Houdini’s GraveSummary: On the 50th anniversary of his death, Garrett Morris waits inside Machpelah Cemetery to see if Houdini will return from the grave as he promised before his death.
Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime TalesSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donaghue) tells the story of “The Enchanted Thermos”. Transcript
Houdini’s Grave IISummary: Garrett Morris appears to have been spooked by an apparition of Houdini’s ghost.
Announcer: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] Noooo.. you’re not supposed to blow on it – that’s just an expression. [ looks up at the camera ] I have to go. [ hangs up the phone ]
Good evening! I’m Ron McKuen.
Our top story tonight: President Ford and Governor Jimmy Carter emerged from their third and final debate virtually even in the preliminary polls. The Burns-Roper Poll showed Carter to be a winner by a substantial margin of 40% to 29%. However, an AP Poll showed Ford the winner by a margin of 35.5% to 33.1%. A panel of ten experts found Ken Norton to be the winner.
Commenting on the early polls, Jimmy Carter said he didn’t care much. But Ford’s comments were: “The Poles are an independent and autonomous people, and I don’t believe they consider themselves to be under Soviet domination.”
The President is said to be readyinging himself for the upcoming Ford/Dole debates.
Probably the biggest surprise of last night’s debates was when Jimmy Carter, to the confusion of everyone, revealed that, when the mood hits him, he likes to dress up like Elenour Roosevelt.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, buck private George Brown, apologized for his remark that Israel was a military burdon to the United States. Brown stated that what he meant to say was: “Let’s leave the dumb Jews helpless.”
Meanwhile, preparations are under way for the first Brown/Butts debate, to be televised from a synogogue in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Carlo Gambino, the underworld’s notorious Capo de Tuti Capo – or, Boss of All Bosses – was laid to rest this week as a power struggle raged for his Mafia family leadership. The funeral service was simple, highlighted by a chorus of mourners singing “Ciao Ciao, Gambino”, as the casket was sprinkled with sausages and anchovies, and sealed in pizza oven.
On a seriouser side.. on a more serious side.. on the more serious side, Chairman Mao was finally laid to rest this week after much discussion as to what to do with his body. After weeks of debate, it was decided that the fallen Chinese leader be buried in a takeout seminary. The family decided this would be best, as it’s cheaper, it’s open twenty-four hours a day, and it’s within delivery distance of Peking.
Although the press was barred from the jury selection process of Ruben “Hurricane” Carter’s retrial, Weekend Update was able to sneak one of our staff artists into the proceedings.
[ footage of Rubin “Hurricane” Carter sitting at a table in the courtroom, making all the motions described by Chevy ]
The former middleweight looked at his watch for eleven seconds, and then wrote something while waiting for Judge Bruno L. Leopizzio to impound twelve jurors and four alternates individually behind closed doors.
Carter leaned back, and then took a drink of water. As the judge imposed a gag order, restricting the defendant’s and opposing lawyers from commenting on the triple murder case.
After that, Carter leaned back and crossed his arms.
Coming up next: Students register for classes in Thailand. Right after this.
Chevy Chase: As many of you may already know, I was recently taken ill for two weeks, and uh.. sitting in for me was – as the anchorwoman for Weekend Update – was a very fine journalist in her own right, correspondent Jane Curtin. Uh.. of course, much has been said lately about the pros and cons of a woman reporter anchoring, uh.. the national news. There’s certainly no question in my mind about the validity of women in any so-called traditional male roles. People are people, and should be judged as people.. and one such person, uh.. who just happens to be a fine newswoman, is Jane Curtin. and it gives me great pleasure to welcome her as a regular joining me on Weekend Update. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: Jane, welcome.. and, uh.. thanks for taking over earleir this year. I understand you have a report for us on the latest flourocarbon controversy.
Jane Curtin: That’s right, Chevy, uh.. a growing concern exists about the dangers of flourocarbons being released by aerosol products. Responsible environmentalists have been warning us for years.. [ Chevy begins raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips as a means of mocking Jane’s editorial ] ..that these flourocarbons are slowly destroying the Earth’s ozone layer. As the ozone layer disappears, the sun’s ultraviolet rays reach the Earth in an in-in-unfiltered state of intensity, strong enough to eventually destroy life on our planet and, subsequently, our planet itself. Proposed legislation controlling aerosol products has been an issue in Washington for a long time. But, so far, has gotten nowhere. The ecological community urges the concerned citiazen should act now: form groups, write to Congress, protest the continued manufacture and sale of products which can eventually destroy us. [ Chevy acts as if he’s behaving himself when Jane turns to face him ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Jane. Jane Curtin.
Well, David Bowie paid a surprise visit to New York this week. Fans remarked that he looked much bigger in person.
[ show picture of Adlei Stevenson ] Adlei Stevenson.
Dictatorial president Ferdinand Marcos is pictured here, and has been casting his ballots in a referendum. Though.. [ a Wandering Snacker has appeared over Chevy’s shoulder, and is reading the paper in his hand ] I.. I don’t like people reading over my shoulder.. you know what I mean?
Wandering Snacker: Oh.. I-I’m sorry..
Chevy Chase: I was just trying to read something-
Well, on the warmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Brothers’ Barnum & Bailey Zoo and Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutilating the navigator and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: there were no survivors.
Chevy Chase: Well, that’s all the news we have tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Steve Martin, wearing a brown suit, stands at homebase.]
Steve Martin: Thank you. How do you like the show sofar? Okay, we’re havin’ some fun out here tonight, Iguess, huh? [laughs] You know, a lot of people come tome, they say, Steve, you’re a ramblin’ guy, um, youmust meet a lot of girls on the road. I’d just like todispel that rumor. Uh, it’s kind of a myth aboutentertainers, uh, you know, you travel around fromtown to town, one night at a time and, you know, youdon’t have time to meet anybody and, uh, I’m not intothat one night thing, you know? I think a personshould get to know someone and even be in love withthem before you use and degrade them. So …
I don’t know if I looked a little mad, uh, during theshow tonight. I’m a little angry, I guess. Uh, I’mjust, uh… Boy. I don’t know, I’m just mad at mymother. I don’t know, she just, uh, she calls me upthe other day. She wants to borrow ten dollars forsome food! Can you believe that? I said, “Hey! I workfor a living!” So I loan her the money. Yesterday, shecalls me up and says she can’t pay me back for awhile. I said, “Hey! What is this?!” So I worked out adeal with her. I’m having her, uh, work on mytransmission. And, uh, move my barbells up to theattic. So that’s pretty good, huh? [laughs]
Oh, gosh! My shoelace is untied! [laughs, bends downbut the shoelace is tied, rises, laughs] Oh, I loveplaying jokes on myself!
All right. Boy, I had a – had a weird experience theother day. See, Jackie Onassis has always been one ofmy favorite people, you know? It’s like I’ve alwaysidolized her from afar, you know, and I’ve alwayswanted to meet her, you know, but fat chance I’m gonnameet Jackie Onassis, right? Well… [clears throat] Iwas in a laundromat in Tucson, Arizona. And I lookedover and there she was — Jackie Onassis, my idol –and I couldn’t believe it, you know? So I got allexcited and I went up to her and I said, “Hey! Howzitgoin’?” And, uh, she said, “Fine” and everything wasgood. So I asked her out for lunch. And I couldn’tbelieve it. She accepted. And I was so proud, youknow, to be able to go someplace with my idol, JackieOnassis, so elegant, sophisticated. So I took her tothis really great restaurant. And the waiter broughtthe food. … And she was a pig. Really. It wasunbelievable! She wouldn’t use a knife and fork! Shegoes [pretends to suck food off plate with mouth] Oh!And she picked up the hard rolls and she threw ’em atpeople. [mimes throwing rolls] She picked up two friedeggs, she goes [pretends to slap two fried eggs on hisbreasts] “Heeeeyyyyy!” And she thought it was funny!You know? And the waiter’d come by and she’d lift upher dress [mimes lifting dress over his head] –“Aaaaahhhhh!” Oh! What a letdown, you know what Imean?
Whew! You know why people can get away with stuff likethat? I’ll tell you exactly why people get away withthat. Because the public has a short memory. That’swhy all these big stars do these crazy, terriblethings and two years later they’re back in the biz,you know. ‘Cause the public has a short memory. Let megive you a little test, okay? This is my thesis — thepublic has a short memory and, like– How many peopleremember, a couple of years ago, when the Earth blewup? How many people? See? So few people remember. Andyou would think that something like that, people wouldremember. But NOOO! You don’t remember that? The Earthblew up and was completely destroyed? And we escapedto this planet on the giant Space Ark? Where have youpeople been? And the government decided not to tellthe stupider people ’cause they thought that it mightaffect– [dawning realization, looks around] Ohhhh!Okay! Uh, let’s move on!
Um, if I, uh, do look a little depressed tonight, I -I guess I get a little sentimental every time thebicentennial year rolls around and, um… I gotanother month and a half on that joke, I’m gonna useit every chance I get, so… [sadly] Actually, I’mkind of – I don’t know, I’m kind of thinkin’ about myold girlfriend, I guess. Sorry. It’s just that I usedto travel around and I’d be performing and I couldkind of hear her laugh in the back – it’d meansomething to me, you know and, uh … I’m sorry. Youknow how it is. We were together about three yearsand, uh, she’s not living any more so I kind of, uh–[audience laughs, Martin gives them a disgusted look]You laugh? And I guess I kind of blame myself for herdeath. Uh, we were at a party one night and we weren’tgetting along and we were fighting and she began todrink and … I didn’t realize how much she’d beendrinking. She ran out to the car, she asked me todrive her home and I didn’t want to and I refused. Sheasked me one more time, would you please drive mehome? I didn’t want to … So I shot her.
Okay, folks! I, uh, think that about does it. [checkshis wristwatch] We’ve had a good time tonight, uh,considering we’re all going to die. And, uh, we gonnago to commercial now or uh …? We’ll go to commercialand we’ll come right back. Thanks a lot. [smiles,waves]
[ open on dejected ballplayers hanging around the locker room, looking up at Coach, whose face is unseen to the audience since he’s standing high atop a stool ]
Coach: Ahhhhh.. what else can I say, boys..? As your manager, I wanted to win the World Series as much as anybody – New York deserved to win! Losing four straight games was rough! Being ejected from the last game made things even worse for me. Look – th-there’s nothing shameful about.. your not showing, you know.. your showing in the Series.. I mean, don’t blame yourselves. I mean, they blame me.. I-I made the same mistakes, maybe I should have used Catfish in the fourth game. I’m sorry you were embarrassed on national television in front of millions of people! And I’m.. sorry that each one of you lost the, uh.. bonuses and the World Series money, not to mention the untold other monies you could have gotten in commercial endorsements.. [ weeping ] I’m sorry..! I let you down! It won’t happen again!
[ members of the team exit the locker room mumbling to themselves about their Coach’s ineptitude. One Ballplayer lingers behind ]
Ballplayer: You bet it won’t, Coach! [ kicks the Coach’s stool out from under him, leaving him to hang in the air ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Narrator … Don Pardo Gregory … Michael O’Donoghue Francesca … Jane Curtin Suki … Gilda Radner Herbie … Dan Aykroyd Guitarist Juan … Chevy Chase Poet Rodney … Steve Martin Blind Negro Jackson … Garrett Morris Comedian Shelley … John Belushi Dancer Isadora … Laraine Newman
[Beat music: piano, bongos, flute, bass. Close-up of aceiling lamp. We pull back and down to reveal atypically dark and smoky beatnik bar of the late 1950sas a superimposed text scrolls by.]
Narrator V/O: [reads the text] In the 1950s, acommon need to rebel against the Establishment drewtogether certain writers, artists, poets and thinkers,distinguished by their unconventional attitudes,behavior and clothing. They were known as … theBeatniks.
[A couple of signs (one in glowing blue neon) indicatethat we are in PLATO’S CAVE. Cigarette smoke rises tothe ceiling. Movie posters adorn the brick walls.Waitress Suki Bird stands beside a huge coffee urnreading a book. Bongo player Herbie Gleason wearsberet and sunglasses as he sits with other oddlydressed jazz musicians (bass, flute, piano) who playon a tiny upraised stage. We catch a glimpse of ablind black guitarist who sits at a table with afinger-snapping Jewish woman, as we pan down to ablack-clad couple seated at a nearby candlelit table.They smoke. Francesca, the more inexperienced one,listens raptly as Gregory, an urbane worldly gentlemanwith dark glasses and beard, finishes telling aonce-famous sick joke about a multiple amputeeboy:]
Gregory: Lord knows the kid can’t playbaseball, right? So, dig it, so, finally, she says tothe kid, “You know he can’t play baseball. Why do youwant him to come out?” The kid says “That’s okay, wejust want to use him for third base!”
[The two laugh.]
Francesca: I love sick humor. It really wigs meout. Like, I dig it when Lenny Bruce says we’re allpuntzes and we don’t know our shvukuses from ourshmups. Or when he says, “Go shtunk mud.”
[Suki the waitress leans in, book in hand, to correcther.]
Suki: That’s “shtup mud” — shtup. What do youtwo want to drink?
[We dissolve over to Herbie, the jazz musician withthe bongos, who acts as Master of Ceremonies,introducing the various artists in a gravelly,dope-inflected voice.]
Herbie: All right, yeah! And now, you chicksand you cats are really gonna dig this dude fromSpain! He’s a flamenco guitarist — and guitar is hissecond ax, man! He bummed around with Jack Kerouac’scousin. Juan Kutner! Yeah, let’s really dig him, he’sa real wigged out guy.
[Applause from the crowd and a musical flourish fromthe band as Juan enters, is handed an acoustic guitar,and sits on a stool. A long pause as the mustachioedJuan, in sunglasses, red neckerchief and open-chestedshirt, puts his ear to the ax and silently tunes it.Sitting in the background, Herbie fills the pause witha string of mellow interjections:]
Herbie: Yeah. Right. Groovy. Awright.
[Juan finally strums a few notes, hits a chord, thenhowls a long, loud, wordless Latin-inflected melisma.Toward the end, he gags a little, then finishes up andstrums another chord. He resumes his howl briefly,ends with a decisive nod of the head, thenfinger-picks the guitar tunelessly as Gregory andFrancesca watch impassively from their table. Gregorylights a cigarillo. Juan struggles to free his fingerswhich get jammed in the strings, mumbles and curses inSpanish, indicates to Herbie that he’s stuck. The jazzband begins to play him off.
Herbie: Yeah, right, hey!
[Applause. Juan shrugs, rises, crosses to Herbie whohelps to pull his fingers free of the strings, thenexits, taking his stool with him. Herbie is alreadyintroducing the next artist:]
Herbie: All right, you know that when Ginsbergwailed with the “Howl,” you dig, “I have seen the bestminds of my generation screaming, hysterical, naked,roaming through the Negro streets at dawn lookin’ foran angry fix.” — you knew he was talkin’ about onecat, man. And that cat was poet Rodney Chernin. Go,Rod, go!
[Applause as gray-goateed, black-clad Rodney Chernin,wearing scarf and beret, rises from a ringside tableinto the spotlight, swaggers to center stage, book inhand, surveys the crowd briefly, consults his book,then begins to read melodramatically:]
Rodney: Oh, Mr. Commuter! Wash me not in your Mad Ave. paint-by-numberssoap, In your Cheez Whiz TV dinner bathtub graveyard. Not for me your drip-dry tuna casserole! [bongo rimshot] Not for me your gray-and-pink poodle FASCISM![bongo] I’d rather roll in my own PUKE! [bongo] Free and proud to smell. This is poetry! It does not NEED to rhyme! Ga ga! Da da! God! Dog! Dog! God!
Herbie: Genius! Ah, genius!
Rodney: Period! Comma, comma! New line: colon! Question mark? Hear the sound! Hear the sound! [bongo] Zoom! [bongo] Zoom! [bongo] Zoom! [bongo]
[Rodney pauses, unsure of the next word, mumbles tohimself, consults book.]
Rodney: Oh!
[Rodney resumes his rant, gesturing broadly:]
Rodney: Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Fallout shelter! Sputnik! H-bomb! Explosion! Explosion!!! EXPLOSION!!! [slaps himself hard in the face] Bang!
[Applause, music. Gregory and Francesca, too cool toclap, merely snap their fingers. Suki the waitress,still reading her book, brings them theirdrinks.]
Gregory: [casually, to Francesca, off the poet]I prefer his haiku.
Francesca: [not understanding the word “haiku”]I love Japanese movies. I mean, films. Butthey’re so nihilistic, I–
Suki: [interrupts] Anything’s better, uh, thanHollywood, man. I mean, James Dean went to Hollywood.Look what it did to him. I’m studying the Method withUta Hagen. I’d never go to Hollywood, it’snowheresville.
[Suki moves off as we cut to Herbie, introducing thenext act:]
Herbie: And now, the most from the South. Allthe way from Shreveport, Louisiana, he’s Blind NegroJock Jackson. Maybe some of you cats and chicks aren’thip to this but, like, Negroes have really suffered inwhite society! So dig this mannnnnnn.
[Blind Negro Jackson — eyes shut, head upraised, hugeopenmouthed grin — takes center stage. Carrying anacoustic guitar and wearing a harmonica rack ’roundhis neck, he nods at the applause.]
Jackson: Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Yeah,now, I’m go’n’ pick a little tune heah. Uh, thisheah’s called the Trouble and Mis’ry Blues.[clears throat, strikes a chord, sings:] Well, I woke up this mornin’! And the coffee was cold! And the baby was cryin’! So I went to the city! And a car ran over my foo-oot!
[harmonica]
Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!
[harmonica]
And I asked the White Man for a jooo-ooob! And he wouldn’t give me no jooo-ooob! And I got holes in my shoooes! And I got holes in my feet, toooooo!
[harmonica]
Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!
[harmonica]
And I got five dollars for the winter! And the rats is gnawin’ on mama’s old church hat! Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!
[harmonica]
And I was blind yesterday … I’m blind today … Go’n’ be blind tomorrow!
[Last two words sung with a spectacular falsetto whichdraws genuine applause as the song windsdown.]
Herbie: All right!
Jackson: Thank you, thank you.
[More applause. Suki, tray in hand, pats Jackson onthe shoulder and leads the grinning, nodding musicianoff.]
Suki: Great stuff, man. You know, I lovedSidney Poitier in “The Defiant Ones.” He was great.Sit down, baby.
[During a short musical interlude from the band, wecenter briefly on Gregory and Francesca snapping theirfingers and discussing Jackson’s performanceintensely.]
Gregory: … like, they are SO real.
Francesca: Me, too. I think we all have so muchto learn from Negroes.
Herbie: And now! The mohel of the boils ofsociety! A cat who cuts through the maladies of truth!This cat is too wigged out for the idiot box. You’llnever catch him on Steve Allen, man! Here he is, theworld’s most paranoid hip comic, ShelleyBayless.
[Accompanied by music and applause, Shelley — acigarette-wielding Lenny Bruce imitator wearingsunglasses, dark suit and skinny necktie — rises andtakes center stage, shaking like an addict, oozingparanoia and passive-aggression. The jazz musiciansdig him with much enthusiasm but the crowd nevercracks a smile.]
Shelley: Hi. Hey, man. Ha! Like, I wore theshades ‘cuz candles are too bright, ya dig?
Herbie: Yeah!
Shelley: What’s the matter, man? Didn’t sellenough life insurance today? Is that it? Huh? Whaddyalookin’ at? What? [defiantly holds up his cigarette toGregory, shaking] Cigarette, man! Huh? What are you, acop? Huh? What you–? [to the crowd] You all cops,right? You’re ALL cops and you don’t know it, man! Yasee? That’s all right. Ooh. Cool, dog. Right. I – Ithought I was diminishing but I guess I wasaugmenting.
[Shelley turns to the musicians who crack up at thisuse of music lingo and growl appreciatively.]
Shelley: That’s right. Hey! Dig the duuude. Thecat over there. Dig the scales on him, huh? That’s amajor? [consults the band who growl agreement] Thatis. That’s a major. Hey, hey-hey, ya see, all you catswho dig like Eisenhower, ya know, like, uh, ya know,who don’t share the doogie with the skeezo, you know,with the band, ya dig?
[Musicians growl appreciatively.]
Shelley: What do you want, man, huh? What? Youwant jokes? You want imitations? What do you want?Marlon Brando? [removes sunglasses, lapses into aflawless Brando impersonation] You wuz mah brother,Charlie, you shoulda looked out for me–
[Partially drowned out by laughter and applause, hemumbles dialogue from the 1954 film “On theWaterfront” with Brandoesque incoherence:]
Shelley: Don’t you remember that night in theGarden? You came down and said, “Kid, it ain’t yournight, we’re goin’ for the price on Wilson.” My night![ends imitation, to the crowd] That what you want,man? That what you want? [puts sunglasses back on]Huh? Well, dig, man — if Hugh Stoll knew what wascopacetic about reiterating the coda, you could bangit up from across the street, man. Ya dig? Ya dig?Because I know the truth of the– By the time you findout, you know, it – it’ll be in my vein andunderground, you know, ‘cuz you can’t stop it.
Herbie: Wow, Cecille! Shelley Bayless.
[Music, applause. Shelley nods and bows jerkily as hepats himself down, then exits.]
Herbie: Now, here’s a crazy chick. This chickswings with a different drummer — like, wow, Zenpoetry in motion, man. Let’s all groove on the dancemoves of Isadora Schwartz. Wild baby, wild.
[Music. Bone thin, black-clad dancer Isadora Schwartzbreezes into view and strikes an improbabledouble-jointed pose with her arms around her head andboth hands on her breasts.]
Isadora: [thick Noo Yawk accent] I am a leaf!Tawssed in the wind! [her hands waft like birds’ wingsfrom her breasts and she uncoils herself] Oh, thouwind! Blow! Blow! Blow me away! [spins and strikesanother pose, pointing into the crowd] The firstdemand of ontological empiricism is to find yawself![mimes digging, manages an unkempt leap and acts outthe following interjections with dance moves]Depression! Down! Down! Down! [sinks to the floor]Knife! [mimes slitting her wrists and bleeding] Blood!Bleed! Black! Black! Black! Blow! Death. [rises] Life.I dance like the wind. The wind!
[Isadora dances like the wind – after a moment, Herbieis so inspired, he leaps from his stool and duets withher – they kneel on the floor whipping their armsabout as if blown by the wind. Much fluttering by theflute during all this. The dance ends with Isadora onher knees, arms outstretched and palms up, her faceentirely covered by her long hair. Herbie returns tohis stool and picks up his bongos. Much applause.Isadora exits.]
Herbie: Crazy! All right, crazy! And now let’spause for the cause with a little musical interlude,cats and chicksssss!
[During the music, we isolate each of the players inan oval as superimposed texts and the narrator’sbooming voice describe their fates. First up iscustomer Gregory, in snobbish profile, cigarilloclenched in his teeth.]
Narrator V/O: Gregory Collyer – Went on tobecome the Love Dentist.
[Customer Francesca looks down pensively.]
Narrator V/O: Francesca Robinson [text says”Richardson”] – Now owns and operates a dog groomingparlor in Tampa, Florida.
[Bongo playing Herbie grins broadly.]
Narrator V/O: Herbie Gleason – Now runs aparking lot art gallery in Laguna Beach.
Air Date:
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