Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Crime Scene

Police Officer…..Bill Hader
Crime Detective…..Charlie Day
Officer Dan Owens…..Jason Sudeikis
George Costanza…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on stock footage of police cars arriving at a city block ]

[ dissolve to interior, apartment — police and other personel standing around a couch draped with a cloth ]

[ a Police Officer enters the apartment with the Crime Detective ]

Police Officer: This way, Detective. [ he acknowledges a fellow officer ] Officer Dan Owens — he was first on the scene.

Crime Detective: Alright, alright, alright — I want EVERYONE out of this room! Everyone, NOW!!

Police Officer: You heard him! Everyone out, now! Come on, everyone out!

Crime Detective: [ to Officer Dan Owens ] You — stick around!

Police Officer: [ to the last of the group ] Come on! Let’s go!

[ the Police Officer exits the apartment, leaving Officer Dan Owens alone with the Crime Detective ]

Crime Detective: Alright! What do we got here, Owens?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh — well, sir, uh — the victim was a male in his 30’s, multilpe and varied stab wounds… he was found by a neighbor, uh… no forced entry, and no one heard a thing.

Crime Detective: Yeahhhh… it looks like we got ourselves a real crime of PASSION, don’t we?!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir… yes, sir, we do. [ he looks around as the Detective thinks ] Hey, doesn’t this place look a lot like the “Seinfeld” apartment! That’s weird, huh?

Crime Detective: [ annoyed ] What the hell are you talking about?!

Officer Dan Owens: I — I’m just saying. You know — the couch here, the kitchen over there. It looks a lot like the — well, Jerry’s apartment from “Seinfeld”.

Crime Detective: Yeah, yeah… no, no, no, no! What’s “Seinfeld”?

Officer Dan Owens: [ taken aback ] Well, you know — the TV show.

Crime Detective: [ chomping on his cigar ] Uh, sorry, kid — I don’t own a TV.

Officer Dan Owens: Okay. But you’ve seen “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: HEY!! I TOLD you!! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: So you’ve NEVER heard of “Seinfeld”?

Crime Detective: Look, kid — I go to museums!! I read books!! I HATE TV!! I walk into a room with a television, I walk right back out!! You get it?!!

Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I’m sorry, okay?

Crime Detective: Alright. Let’s take a looksie. [ he peeks at the corpse under the cloth ] Oooh, baby! Whoever did that really wanted him dead, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: Uh… yeah. Yeah. [ looking at a collection on the bookshelf ] Oh, man — this guy really loved baseball, huh? Look at all this memorabilia!

Crime Detective: What the hell are you talking about?

Officer Dan Owens: I’m just saying, all this stuff. It’s pretty expensive. This guy must be like a regular Bob Costas, huh?

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, Bob Costas. Right. Um, he’s on TV. He, uh, he knows, like, everything about baseball.

Crime Detective: Yeah, I know. Baseball! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, come on!

Crime Detective: Kid! I don’t have a TV!

Officer Dan Owens: You don’t need a TV to know about BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: Really?! Well, I must have! Because I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on! Baseball? It’s a sport! BASE BALL!

Crime Detective: Hey!! Not once has this so-called “BASE BALL” ever helped me solve a crime!! So can we stay on target?!

Officer Dan Owens: Sure.

Crime Detective: Hey, back up! Look at this!

Officer Dan Owens: What?

Crime Detective: Ohhh, it looks like we got a murder weapon right here, huh? [ he leans over and picks up a knife ] Look at that!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, boy, look at that! It looks a bayoney from World War II, right?

Crime Detective: What’s that, another TV show?

Officer Dan Owens: WHAT?! Come on! World War II?!

Crime Detective: Hey, Terd-box! I don’t own a television!!

Officer Dan Owens: You’re telling me you’ve NEVER heard of World War II?!

Crime Detective: BINGO!!

Officer Dan Owens: Come on!! Adolph Hitler?!!

Crime Detective: What’s he, another one of your “Fieldstein” characters?!

Officer Dan Owens: NOOO!!! It’s “SEINFELD”!! And he killed MILLIONS of people!!

Crime Detective: Yeah, well, unless your buddy Hitler killed THIS guy, I suggest we move on!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, fine! Alright, fine, okay. So no forced entry, no sign of a struggle — maybe the two people knew each other, right?

Crime Detective: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, right! Like a neighbor, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah!

Crime Detective: Like, someone who owns a key, comes over a lot.

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah.

Crime Detective: Let me think, let me think… So he comes in the door, right?

Officer Dan Owens: Yeah. Okay.

Crime Detective: [ he exits the apartment ] And he walsk in like this: [ he opens the door and bursts through like Kramer ]

Officer Dan Owens: OH, COME ON!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: YOU’RE DOING KRAMER!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: [ laughing ] You’re doing Kramer!!

Crime Detective: I don’t know what you’re talking about! [ he turns around and bugs out like Kramer at the sight of two soup bowls ]

Officer Dan Owens: Oh! Come on!

Crime Detective: There’s two bowls of soup right here!

Officer Dan Owens: So, alright — so?

Crime Detective: So one’s empty… and one’s completely untouched!

Officer Dan Owens: So, what — you think someone didn’t like his soup and killed him over it?

Crime Detective: [ thinking ] What, like some kind of soup Nazi?

Officer Dan Owens: [ outraged ] NO!!

Crime Detective: What?!

Officer Dan Owens: You just referenced a “Seinfeld” episode AND Hitler’s political party that took over HALF of Europe!!

Crime Detective: [ confused ] You’re a what, now?

Officer Dan Owens: [ flabbergasted ] Oh, give me a break!!

Crime Detective: Hey, kid!! I’m trying to solve a CRIME here, alright?! We got NO clues, NO suspects, NO witnesses! LOOK — it’s the bottom of the Ninth, Owens, we need a… a… a GRAND SALM!!

Officer Dan Owens: HEY!! That’s BASEBALL!!

Crime Detective: No, that’s COP TALK!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, give me a break! This is ridiculous!

[ suddenly, George Costanza emerges from the bedroom, clutching a knife ]

George Costanzae: DIE, JERRY!!

[ George lunges toward Officer Dan Owens, but the Crime Detective punches him down ]

Crime Detective: Look out!!

Officer Dan Owens: Oh, my God…

Crime Detective: Yeah, it looks like we got our perp, huh?

Officer Dan Owens: You saved my life!

Crime Detective: Yeah…

Officer Dan Owens: I can’t beleive it! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Crime Detective: Ah, you know, that’s… that’s something you don’t learn on Tv.

[ the Crime Detective removes a pair of sunglasses from under his voat and puts them on his eyes, as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” from “CSI: Miami” blares ]

Officer Dan Owens: [ dumbfounded ] What the hell?!

Crime Detective: Well, that’s “CSI: Miami”. I watch “CSI”!

Officer Dan Owens: Okay, I’m out of here, forget it! [ he exits the apartment ]

Crime Detective: I watch it on iTunes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 5th, 2011

Charlie Day

Maroon 5

None

Danny DeVito

Travie McCoy

None

A Message From the Ghost of Moammar GaddafiSummary: Live from Hell, The Ghost of Moammar Gaddafi (Fred Armisen) reports on his recent capture and death and gives a status update.

Recurring Characters: Moammar Gaddafi.

Transcript

Montage

Charlie Day’ MonologueSummary: Having achieved his dream of hosting “SNL”, Charlie Day plans to relax and take easy, but “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” co-star and frequent “SNL” host, Danny DeVito, tells him he has to really put out and deliver, so Day performs a song about himself.

Transcript

Kim’s Fairy Tale DivorceSummary: E! promises lots of glamour and excitement when it televises the hot divorce proceedings between Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) and CHris Humphies (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian.

Transcript

The Dr. Oz ShowSummary: Dr. Oz (Bill Hader) embarrasses an audience member Charlie Day) by offering poor medical advice for his dead rectum.

Transcript

Greek GodsSummary: Zeus (Jason Sudeikis) organizes the other Greek gods so they can put their heads together to help solve the current financial crisis in Greece.

Transcript

It’s Getting Freaky with Cee Lo Green!Summary: Cee Lo Green (Kenan Thompson), Freakasaurus (Charlie Day) and Colonel Nasty (Bill Hader) help a couple (Andy Samberg, Abby Elliott) put the freaky back into their marriage.

Recurring Characters: Cee Lo Green, Colonel Nasty, The Atlanta Horns.

The Original Kings Of Catchphrase Comedy Volume 2Summary: A group of hacky comedians are back on tour with even more of their catchphrase-repeating friends.

Recurring Characters: David “Beef Jelly” Winfield, Goran “Funky Boy” Bogdan, Slappy Pappy, Addi “News Flash” Sweeney, Boston Powers, Fur Coat Rhonda.

Maroon 5 performs “Moves Like Jagger”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Rick Perry (Bill Hader) defends allegations that he was drunk while delivering a speech in New Hampshire. Seth Meyers offers “A Closer Look at Europe” in order to explain Greece’s financial crisis. Travel guru Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) counters her nervousness by kidding around while attempting to reveal last-minute travel bargains.

Recurring Characters: Rick Perry, Judy Grimes.

Because of One DolphinSummary: On the set of a new family film, an actor (Charlie Day) is frustrated by both his dolphin co-star’s animal trainer (Taran Killam) and a boom mic operator (Kenan Thompson) who thinks he can do a better job with the scene.

Maroon 5 and Travie McCoy perform “Stereo Heart”

Crime SceneSummary: Detective (Charlie Day) pleads ignorance to officer’s (Jason Sudeikis) pop culture references while attempting to solve a murder.

Transcript

Lil PoundcakeSummary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.

Note: Repeat from 11b

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Herman Cain SingsSummary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) sings songs out of context using his own words.

Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.

Computer StoreSummary: Computer store manager (Charlie Day) hires only ex-prostitutes to move his merchandise.

The Blue Jean CommitteeSummary: Members of the Blue Jean Committee (Fred Armisen, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) are local western Massachusetts boys about to go national, but still wow the crowd at the local bar with their hit “Massachusetts Afternoon”.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Jason Segel.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Tell Him

Waiter…..Andy Samberg
Kendra…..Vanessa Bayer
Anna…..Anna Faris
Abby…..Abby Elliott
Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Sip ‘N Soda malt shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, five girls seated at table ]

Waiter: Four root beer floats! Enjoy, ladies.

[ he walks away, as four of the girls enjoy their floats as Kendra just sits there ]

Anna: Hey… what’s the matter, Kendra?

Kristen: Yeah, Kendra — you LOVE root beer floats!

Kendra: Oh, you know… just boy drama.

Nasim: what happened?

Kendra: Well… there’s this guy. And, well… we’ve been texting and, well… I’m really into him and, well… I can’t tell if he’s into ,i>me or not!

Abby: Well… have you talked to him yet?

Kendra: I would, but… I don’t know what to say!

Kristen: Alright, Kendra — listen up.

[ Kristen signals to Nasim, who nods and presses the jukebox ]

[ the four girls stand, as The Exciters’ “Tell Him” starts to play ]

Kristen: [ singing]
“I know, something about love!
You gotta want him bad!
If the guy’s got into your blood
Go out and get him…

If you want him to be
The very part of you
That makes you want to breathe
Is the thing to do:”

Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you’re never gonna leave him
Tell him, that, you’re always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!”

Kendra: But, guys! I DID tell him that — on our FIRST date! I told him I would NEVER leave him, and that I would ALWAYS love him! He seemed really weirded out.

Anna: Oh, my God! Yuo can’t say something that itnense on yor first date!

[ the girls pull Kendra from the table and seat her at the center of the room ]

Nasim: Yeah, Kendra! When you first start dating a guy, you have to keep things light and casual. Before you tell him you love him, you have to tell him a lot of other things first.

Girls: [ singing ]Tell him, that, you don’t care if you have kids!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him all lies!”

Kendra: [ confused ] But I LOVE him! Why would I lie to him?

Nasim: She’s not getting it!

Anna: You see, lies are a natural part of the dating process.

Kristen: Especially early on!

Abby: You need to show him that you’re not one of those girls.

Kendra: What do you mean, those girls?

Abby: I mean… girls.[ singing ]
“You need to…”

Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you play Call of Duty!
Tell him you’re a to-tal nerd and you love reading comics!”

Kendra: [ jumping to her feet ] But I don’t understand! I don’t even know what Call of Duty is! What if he asks me to play it with him?

Nasim: Trust me — he’ll NEVER ask you to play! He just wants you to appreciate all the time he spends playing it!

Kendra: And if guys want to watch sports and sci-fi all day, why don’t they just date each other?

Anna: Increasingly, they do. In fact, pyschologists predict that, eventually, all men will become gay just to watch their favorite shows.

Kristen: But, for now, they still need sex. And when it coems to that, you have to seem fun and up for anything!

Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’re open to a three-way!
Tell him, that, you watch porn every day!
Tell him, that, you’re not grossed out when he says the word panties!”

Waiter: Well, what do you want us to call them?

Girls: “UNDERWEAR!”

[ the Waiter throws his arms up in disgust and backs away ]

Kendra: Okay. So early on, I have to lie to him a little, but once we’re dating, then we’re jsut honest with each other, right?

Abby: No. And then you enter a new phase of lies. I call it “Maintaining the Mystery.”[ singing ]
“I know, something about men, they never want to know.
How us, women keep it all up
You have to hide it.

If you want him to stay
Pining after you
Then you have to hide
The things all women do.”

Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’re naturally hairless!
Make him, think, you never use the bathroom!
Then when he’s sleeping, you can run to Star-bucks!”

Kendra: Wait! I can never go to the bathroom?

Girls: NOOOOO!!!

Kristen: Of course not! I went away to Mexico with a guy once. I spent so much time in the lobby bathroom, people started tipping me. One night, after a bigdinner, I had to fake a kindapping just to get a couple hours alone. But it was worth it, because, at the end of the trip, he said I was one of the chillest girls he ever met and that he would call me!

Kendra: Did he?

Kristen: [ she pauses ] It’s been a real crazy work year for him. [ she smiles uneasy ] We’re gonna hang out real soon, though.

Kendra: This all seems like a LOT of deception, jsut to fall in love!

Anna: But here’s the deal — these are just the things we have to say until we actually fallin love. When you meet “The One”, none of this matters! You can finally just be yourself and not worry about playing games or tricking him.

Kristen & Anna: [ singing ]
Then you know it will be, true love from fairy tales
You’ll both be ha-appy, but if he tries to bail…”

Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’repreg-nant and it’s his kid!
Tell him, that, you need to get married!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right…
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right…
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!”

[ the song ends, they pose in place, the camera pulls back and we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

What’s Wrong With Tanya?!

Vince Blake…..Bill Hader
Mary Jo Williams…..Vanessa Bayer
JoBeth Anderson…..Kristen Wiig
Mary Jo Beth Jojo…..Anna Faris
Tanya…..Abby Elliott
Boy Tanya…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Lifetime graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching Lifetime, tlevision for women. White women. And now, from the creators of Lifetime original movies like “What Did Becky See?” and “Where Does Brenda Go At Night?” comes the first ever Lifetime original game show. It’s time to play:

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Audience: “What’s! Wrong! With! Tanya?!”

Announcer: Now here’s your host — Vince Blake!

Vince Blake: Thank you! And welcome to “What’s Wrong With Tanya?!”, the game show where mothers from Lifetime Original Movies try and guess what’s wrong with beautiful daughter Tanya. Let’s meet our contestants. First up, from Pleasant Grove — Mary Jo Williams!

Mary Jo Williams: Hello!

Vince Blake: It says here that you and your family live in a quiet town on a quiet street.

Mary Jo Williams: Nothing bad could EVER happen to us!

Vince Blake: [ ominously ] Or so it would seem… [ he grins ] Next up, from Pleasant Falls — JoBeth Anderson! It says here that your new husband has a locked drawer in his office that you’re not allowed to open.

JoBeth Anderson: [ she throws up her hands ] It’s none of my business!

Vince Blake: And, finally, from Pleasant Town — Mary Jo Beth Jojo! It says here that you have the perfect life.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Perfect from the outside. [ she sips a glass of Chardonnay ]

Vince Blake: [ chuckling ] Yikes! Okay, let’s, uh, go to the rules. A Lifetime Movie Tanya will walk out, and you’ll have fifty seconds to guess… what’s wrong with her.

JoBeth Anderson: [ distraught ] There’s NOTHING wrong with her!

Vince Blake: Yes… yes, there is. Alright, let’sb ring out our first Tanya!

[ Tanya walks out and hangs her head low ]

Vince Blake: Alright. Mothers! What is wrong… with Tanya?

[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Beth Jojo finally buzzes in ]

Vince Blake: Mary Jo Beth Jojo!

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! You’ve been gonig to those parties where girls do oral sex for bracelets!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: That’s right! That’s right! She goes to those parties, which are a real thing! Good work, Mary Jo! You won a Volvo filled with groceries! Let’s bring out our next Tanya!

[ Boy Tanya walks out ]

JoBeth Anderson: But it CAN’T happen to a boy!

Vince Blake: So you thought! Alright, Mothers, what’s wrong with Boy Tanya?

[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Williams finally buzzes in ]

Vince Blake: Mary Jo Williams!

Mary Jo Williams: Tanya! You’re a secret stripper!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blake: No!

[ JoBeth Anderson buzzes in ]

JoBeth Anderson: Tanya! You’re pregnant!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blake: What?! No! Come on!

[ Mary Jo Beth Jojo buzzes in ]

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! Your English teacher caught you cheating, so he made you take naked pictures, and now they’re online and it’s giving you an eating disorder, and, also, you can’t read!

[ Boy Tanya begins to cry ]

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Alright, Mary Jo Beth Jojo! You’re in the lead with five fleece panchos for jogging! So you move to our Lightning Round. Jobeth, Mary Jo… you may watch the rest of the game while you pretend to rake leaves.

[ Mary Jo Williams and JoBeth Anderson each grab a rake, as Mary Jo Beth Jojo joins Vince at the center of the stage ]

Vince Blake: [ grabbing Mary Jo Beth Jojo’s arm ] Let’s get you on your mark here…

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh! You’re hurting my arm!

Vince Blake: [ yelling in her face ] WHO’S GONNA LEAVE YOU?! [ he regains his composure ] Now, in this round, I’ll say something Tanya’s doing… you either say “Yes” or scream “No!” Let’s get twenty seconds on the clock. [ he begins, as soft piano music plays ] Tanya’s back on the ssim team.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: [ petrified ] Yes.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: The girls at school are saying Tanya’s easy.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Tanya has bruises on her shoulder.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: TANYA!!

Vince Blake: Judges?

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Tanya had a baby at Prom.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo!!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: She named the baby “Tanya”.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Yes.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Congrats, Mary Jo Beth Jojo — you win EVERYTHING a woman could ever want.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: But… whatever happened to Tanya?

Vince Blake: She died.

Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh. Well… thanks for having me!

Vince Blake: You’re not going anywhere. You’ll never leave me. [ a scary beat ] That’s our show! Stay tuend for the Lifetime Original Comedy… “Weekend at Meredith Baxter-Birney’s”! Bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

The Charlie Rose Show

Charlie Rose…..Bill Hader
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Arianna Huffington…..Nasim Pedrad
Reed Hastings…..Jason Sudeikis
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen

[ open on “Charlie Rose” graphics ]

Announcer: From our studios in New York City, this is “Charlie Rose”.

[ dissolve to set ]

Charlie Rose: Hello, I’m Charlie Rose. and for those of you curious about our theme music, it’s a spunky pop-jazz number called “Sadona Samba”. Tonight: A tribute to the late Steve Jobs. The legendary founder of Apple died last week at the age of 56. We’ll hear from his admirers in the world of technology and media on what the Steve Jobs legacy means. Joining me tonight: He is the fouder of Facebook.com and a visionary of modern communication — Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg: [ disheveled ] Look! I dressed up!

Charlie Rose: Very nice. She is the founder and editor of The Huffington Post — Ariana Huffington.

Arianna Huffington: Hello, Charlie. I love what you haven’t done with the place.

Charlie Rose: He is the CEO of the streaming media service Netflix, and the offshoot Quickster — Reed Hastings.

Reed Hastings: Actually, we’re not going to start Quickster any more. We just announced that Netflix and quickster are going to merge into one simple company… called Netflix.

Charlie Rose: Let us know if the company makes any terrible decisions in the next hour.

Reed Hastings: I will! And we will!

Charlie Rose: Finally: Joining us from London, he is the founder and CEO of NewsCorp and the world’s oldest mean girl — Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch: I regret nothing!

Charlie Rose: Thank you all. I am pleased to have you back at this table. Welcome. Steve Jobs. How were each of you… influenced… by Steve Jobs?

Mark Zuckerberg: Well, Mr. Jobs taught me that you could bring beauty to the world of technology. He wanted his products to be works of art that were both efficient and elegant.

Charlie Rose: And how do you apply that elegance to Facebook.com?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, I don’t! Not at all! I mean, Facebook.com started off a simple user-friendly website… but now it’s just a mess! I mean, it’s covered in ads and invites from local bands, like the bulletin board at an annoying coffee shop.

Charlie Rose: I’d say Facebook has become flooded and confusing, a jambalaya of Farmville updates and vampire requests.

Mark Zuckerberg: Indeed. Steve Jobs once said that people don’t know what they like until you show it to them. So at Facebook, we show them things… and they don’t like them.

Charlie Rose: Now, Arianna Huffington. Wht did you learn from Steve Jobs?

Arianna Huffington: Well, you know, Steve was completely hands-on with every component of apple Computers.

Charlie Rose: And that’s how you run Huffington Post?

Arianna Huffington: No. No! Could you be serious? I’ve been to the Huffington Post, maybe, ten or five times. The last time I went, everyone was like, “Who are you?” And I was like, “I’m your boss.” And they were like, “Could you be serious?” And I was like, “I have to go, this place is disgusting!”

Charlie Rose: Apple Computers stood for one thing: Innovation. Now, what does Huffington Post stand for?

Arianna Huffington: You know, like a million different things: The politics, sports, weddings, Alec Baldwin articles, photos of boobies, health and fitness, complaints from Bill Mahar, food, and more boobies.

Charlie Rose: Reed Hastings. Why aren’t most seasoned CEOs like Steve Job

Reed Hastings: Well, what you have to understand is, it’s a lot easier to not be like Steve Jobs. I mean, he had great ideas, he worked incredibly hard, and he never compromised. He set an annoyingly high standard of integrity.

Mark Zuckerberg: Sure. sure

Arianna Huffington: It’s disgusting!

Charlie Rose: Is it fair to say Netflix hasn’t measured up to that standard?

Reed Hastings: [ laughing heartily ] Are you joking? No! No, we SUCK right now! Uh — I mean, Steve Jobs rejected several models of the iPhone until his designers got it just right. THAT’S integrity. Okay? We — we don’t reject any ideas at Netflix. Alright? If someone suggests something, even as a joke — you know, BOOM! — we do it! Okay? Comparing Apple to Netflix is like comparing apples to oranges — especially if the oranges made so many mistakes that people stopped eating oranges and just went back to Blockbuster.

Charlie Rose: [ spraying his table with Pledge ] Excuse me for a second… [ he wipes ] Alright.

Reed Hastings: That’s a nice scent.

Charlie Rose: [ sniffing ] It is. [ he puts the Pledge away ] Jobs said in his 2005 Stanford address that people can learn a lot from failure. Do you think that’s true?

Reed Hastings: Well, you know… I’m kind of in mid-failure right now, so it’shard to say.

Charlie Rose: So, do you have anything in common with Steve Jobs?

Reed Hastings: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uhh…. I guess we both wore bad jeans. also, uh, Apple Computers started in a garage, and pretty soon Netflix will have to move to a garage. Yeah, in fact, actually, if anyone is renting their garage out, please let us know. We’d prefer one with no cars parked in it. Actually, you know what? We could use the hoods as desks, so, uh, cars are fine. Sorry!

Charlie Rose: Make sure you ask for the first three months up front. Rupert Murdoch! What do you think when you hear the name Steve Jobs?

Rupert Murdoch: Uh, well, Charlie, as I said last week, I think of him as the greatest CEO of our generation.

Charlie Rose: What do you think that you and he have in common?

Rupert Murdoch: [ he laughs heartily ] Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Steve Jobs used new media to make the world a better place, and I used OLD media to make it a much, much worse one, frankly. For example: On the day Steve unveiled the iPhone, I launched a new London tabloid called Snooper! It’s just photos of celebrities going to the bathroom. I love it!

Charlie Rose: So you could say that you and Steve Jobs are complete opposites?

Rupert Murdoch: Exactly! Steve Jobs made the iPad; it’s $500 and opens up a world of information. I make the New York Post; it’s fifty cents, and I dare you to find a full sentence in it!

Charlie Rose: Now, Steve Jobs saw the bet in people. You see people as animals.

Rupert Murdoch: Right. I was gonna say slugs, but, uh… animals is alright. [ he laughs ]

Charlie Rose: You recognize that his loss is a great one?

Rupert Murdoch: He changed the world! It’s like Jude Law said last week in a voicemail I hacked into: “today is a sad day.”

Charlie Rose: Well, that’s our show for the evening. Tomorrow on the program: Henry Kissinger and “Brown Bunny” director Vincent Gallo — not in separate interviews, both at the same time. I’m Charlie Rose. Goodbye, Steve Jobs, and thank you.

[ cut to closing graphics, and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Goodnights

…..Anna Faris

Anna Faris: Thank you so much to Drake and Nicki Minaj, Lorne Michaels, all the cast and crew at “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you so much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Yet Another GOP Debate

Sandy Schaub…..Vanessa Bayer
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Marriott TV logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Marriott Tv., the in-room guide to everything our hotel has to offer. Up next: Live from Conference Room 5 in the Cedar Falls Courtyard Marriott, it’s… “Yet Another GOP Debate”.

[ dissolve to Conference Room 5 ]

Sandy Schaub: Hello! I’m Sandy Schaub, from Marriott TV. Welcome to the second of two GOP debates this week. The first of which was televised by Bloomberg TV, while tonight’s debate takes place on the only channel tune in to less. As a reminder to the canddiates: No one is watching, so the stakes are low. We have rearranged the seating from past debates, based on the most recent polling results and, therefore, the likelihood of each candidate winning the nomination. In the center, the new leader in the polls: Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: [ he shrugs ] I’m as surprised as YOU!

Sandy Schaub: Next to him is former Governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] Herman Cain. You guys are KILLING me!

Sandy Schaub: Three seats over, in a chair facing the wall… the fading Rick Perry.

[ Rick Perry turns to smile and hold up his thumb ]

Sandy Schaub: In a locked janitor’s closet are Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and curio from a bygone era Newt Gingrich.

[ Bachmann waves as Gingrich sits there stone-faced ]

Sandy Schaub: Out in the parking garage, it’s Texas congressman Ron Paul.

[ from a distance in the parking garage, Paul waves ]

Sandy Schaub: And, live from a crowded gay bar in the Castro District in San Francisco… Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum: [ visibly uncomfortable ] Very funny!

Sandy Schaub: And John Huntsman couldn’t be here tonight because we gave him the wrong address — on purpose. We begin with governor Romney. Governor, on Monday you received an endorsement from Chris Christie. Then, you outpoerformed your opponents at Tuesday’s debate. Yet, the newest polls show you trailing Herman Cain by as many as fifteen points.

Mitt Romney: Yes.

Sandy Schaub: When are you going to accept that Republicans just don’t like you?

Mitt Romney: Now, look, I — I don’t think they dislike me. I just think they want to exhaust their options. You know, I understand that, before anyone goes home with Mitt Romney, they’re going to take one last lap around the bar to see if there’s anyone better than me. And I’m okay with that. Alright? Go! Go sow your oats. I will wait for you. Yuo be Jenny, and I’ll be your Forrest Gump. Be with as many guys as you want, I will still be here running around the country like an idiot until you come home so I can watch you die. Should’ve left off that last part, I guess!

Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: Yes.

Sandy Schaub: With your rise in the polls, many are taking a closer look at your 9-9-9 plan, and most economists agree it’s an oversimplified, unworkable solution to a complicated financial situation.

Herman Cain: Well, let me explain. I never thought I would be “taken seriously”, so I never thought anyone would “look at it.” The original goal of the 9-9-9 plan was to get me a show on FOX News. At 9:00. But, if America is looking for catchy, unworkable solutions to complicated problems, Herman Cain will keep them coming! How do we fight terrorism? My 5-5-5 plan. Wharever terror is, America will send five airplanes, five soldiers, and five of those dogs that caught Osama Bin Laden. How do we fix health care? The 3-3-3 plan. Every time you get sick, you get three pills, three days off and three chicken noodle soups. Having trouble getting to the airport? Dial 7-7-7 for Caramel Limosine. Don’t hassle with a cab! Vote Herman Cain.

Sandy Schaub: Governor Perry. On Thursday, your wife said you were being brutalized because of your faith. Yet, it was a pastor affilaited with your campaign who recently called Mormonism a cult. What’s going on?

Rick Perry: I think the best way to explain it is… we’re desperate! You know? We’re willing to try anything. Nothing is beneath us right now. You’re gonna see us start playing the mormon card — you know — we’re gonna start playing the race card. Heck, this week, my staff looked into a plan that would FRAME Mitt Romney for a murder in Texas, railroad him through a sham trial, and then, you know… [ he makes electrocution sound effect and laughs ] Though, let me stress, Mitt, this plan never passed the exploratory phase.

Mitt Romney: Ah, that’s okay! I’m INCAPABLE of rage.

Rick Perry: The point is that when you can’t get better, your options are limited. So my promise is this: You haven’t seen the worst of Rick Perry yet!

Sandy Schaub: Let’s go back to the janitor’s closet. Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich. Neither of you are going to win, and you’re starting to waste our time.

Michele Bachmann: That’s fair.

Newt Gingrich: Agreed.

Sandy Schaub: At the end of tonight’s debate, we will unlock the door to your room. Whoever is still standing can come to the next debate. Whoever isn’t is out of the race.

Newt Gingrich: I… I don’t understand…

[ Bachmann slugs him across the face and knocks him to the floor, then jumps up and elbows him rpeeatedly as he screams ]

Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain. Do you think your campaign will be able to withstand the extra scrutiny that comes with being the frontrunner?

Herman Cain: I do not. If I may, let me put it in pizza terms: Nothing beats that first HOT slice of pizza. The second slice is also hard to beat. Yuo see, America is on their second slice of Herman Cain right now. But, unfortunately, there is no such thing as a two-slice pizza. So you will keep STUFFING yourselves full of Herman Cain. Soon, your tummy will be a gassy mess, and you will go to bed and have bad dreams. In the morning, you’ll wake up and say, “Today, I’m eating a nice salad.”

Mitt Romney: Uh, if I may — uh, I believe I can BE that salad. No croutons, no dressing, just lettuce in a bowl. Look, in 2008, America was a place FULL of hope, and Barack Obama was the candidate for that America. Now it’s starting to sink in that there’s NOTHING to be hopeful about. In 2008, America was a vibrant, young peson with thir WHOLE life ahead of them. Now America has a bum knee, uh, an exploded mortgage, and no job. The time for dreaming is over. It’s time to settle. And NOTHING says you’re settling, like Mitt Romney! Barack Obama made America say “Yes, we can!” Well, I think I can make America say “Yes, we can… live with that.”

Sandy Schaub: Rick Santorum. How you doing?

[ surrounded by bulky gay men ] Ba-a-a-a-a-addd!!

Sandy Schaub: And Ron Paul?

[ cut to Paul in the parking garage, as an unmarked van pulls up alongside him ]

Sandy Schaub: It seems like an unmarked van is approaching.

[ men jump out and pull Paul into the back of the van ]

Sandy Schaub: Looks like BAD news for Ron Paul.

[ gunshots echo from inside the van, and the back door opens ]

Sandy Schaub: But, hold on…

[ Paul steps out of the van and dusts off his jacket, as one of the men flops out of the van dead ]

Sandy Schaub: Ron Paul. Not going anywhere. Ideologically pure, and tough as nails. Well, that concludes tonight’s debate. Join us for our next debate, when we basically continue to turn into a season of “Survivor”, where no one is EVER voted off the island.

[ cut to Marriott TV logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

A Message From Michael Bloomberg

Mayor Michael Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen

[ open on title slide ]

Announcer: The following is a message from New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

[ dissolve to Bloomberg at podium ]

Mayor Michael Bloomberg: Hello. I’m Michael Bloomberg. Now, before I begin, I hope you all recovered from the traumatic, leaf-rustling earthquake that hit New York this July. Also, I’d like to apologize for all the Hurricane Irene hysteria this summer, but since you were such bitches about the snowstorm last year, you left me no choice.

Tonight I want to address the demonstrations currently taking place in Lower Manhatten, in what’s being called: Operation Wall Street. While these protests began here in New York, they have spread to dozens of other cities throughout the globe, proving once again that New York sets the trends and the world follows. So with all due respect to Chicago, Los Angeles, and London, if you’re looking to vent your rage at a system where the richest 1% controls 40% of the planet’s wealth, there is no better time, and no better place, than Autumn in New York. [ he grins smugly ] The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous. And while you’re here, why not cap off a day of protest with dinner at one of New York’s many world-class restaurants? Or take in a Broadway show like “Mary Poppins”, currently at the New Amsterdam Theater.

Whatever you may have heard, I want to make demonstrators as welcome and as comfortable as possible. Yet, sometimes things do not go as planned. This week my office had arranged to clear the park of protesters so the area could be power washed. The protesters became upset, and some went so far as to suggest that the power washing was simply a ruse to break up the demonstration. Nonsense! As all New Yorkers know, various parts of the city are routinely power washed. Power washing is a New York institution, and, without it, the Big Apple would lose its reputation as the world’s cleanest and most thoroughly sanitized city –- with streets, as the saying goes, “you can eat off!”

Now, even though we have gone to great lengths to make them feel welcome, there have, regrettably, been some clashes between the protestors and law enforcement. Several demonstrators have even been pepper-sprayed. Although these were isolated incidents, on behalf of the city I would like to apologize and to make one thing absolutely clear: All pepper spray used was made from 100% pure cayenne extract, witout any added oil or trans fats and wascompletely salt-free.

now, to the protestors down on Wall Street, let me say something from the heart: The message of the Occupy Wall Street movement should not be trivialized. The wealthiest 1% of this nation does continue to profit outrageously at the expense of the 99. Ordinary people are angry at those on top, and I can well understand why they would occupy their places of business and even demosntrate outside their homes. But here, I’d like to point out something: Despite what you may have heard, I’m not really all that rich. In fact, there are several individuals living here in New York who are far wealthier than myself. People like Hedge Fund billionaire George Soros, who lives at 85th Street and 5th Avenue. Or Jamie Dimon, CEO of J.P. Morgan Chase, whose townhouse, I believe, is on Madison between 73rd and 74th. On the left side. And for protestors who are also Yankee fans, angry at the team’s embarrassing loss to Detroit, Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse at Trump Towers. Now, technically, I might be richer than A-Rod, but I think we can all agree he has done less to earn it.

My point is this: Occupy Wall Street, I’m on your side. Come to New York and let your vocie be heard. You’ll treated with respect and diginity by the city and the police, with one caveat: The second, and I mean the second, I see a demonstrator light up a cifgarette, we’re moving in. The batons will come out and the badge numbers will come off. and if you think I’m joking, go ahead — make my day!

Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 15th, 2011

Anna Faris

Drake

None

Nicki Minaj

None

A Message From Michael BloombergSummary: New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) appluds the Occupy Wall Street protestors, but offers them a few words of advice to make sure they all see eye to eye.

Recurring Characters: Michael Bloomberg.

Transcript

Montage

Anna Faris’ MonologueSummary: Anna Faris takes intelligent questions beyond her grasp from the audience, then meets the one woman in the audience (Abby Elliott) who shares her intellect.

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) and his guests dance their way through a segment in which a cheating husband (Bill Hader) is exposed on camera.

Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.

What’s Wrong With Tanya?Summary: Moms from different Lifetime Network TV-movies are challenged to determine what’s wrong with Tanya prototypes.

Recurring Characters: Vince Blake.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg performs a number of goofy interview concepts with musical guest Drake.

Yet Another GOP DebateSummary: Marriott TV moderates their own version of the GOP debate at their lavish facilities.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul.

Transcript

Drake performs “Headlines”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) mixes up more recent stories. Two teenagers dressed as werewolves (Drake, Jay Pharoah) rap about their new Halloween trend, bag jacking.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino.

Tell HimSummary: 50’s-era teenage girls (Abby Elliott, Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad, Anna Faris) use the power of song to teach their confused friend (Vanessa Bayer) how to use deception to land a guy in the modern world.

Transcript

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: Japan-crazed American teenagers (Taran Killam, Vanessa Bayer) get all their cultural facts wrong while purporting to express their love for the Land of the Rising Sun.

Drake and Nicki Minaj perform “Make Me Proud”

Lord WyndemereSummary: Home from college, Debbie (Anna Faris) hopes to impress her parents (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) with her new boyfriend, the foppish, spritely Lord Cecil Wyndemere (Paul Brittain).

Ferrari CalendarSummary: Airheads (Kristen Wiig, Anna Faris) are excited to see the new 2012 Ferrari calendar so they scope out all the hot guys within before their asses explode from the anticipation.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Charlie Rose ShowSummary: Charlie Rose (Bill Hader) discusses Steve Jobs’ legacy with media also-rans Mark Zuckerberg (Andy Samberg), Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad), Reed Hastings (Jason Sudeikis) and Rupert Murdoch (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Charlie Rose, Mark Zuckerberg, Arianna Huffington, Rupert Murdoch.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Tinyballs

Head Coach (Brad Pitt)…..Taran Killam
Coach #2…..Fred Armisen
Manager (Jonah Hill)…..Bobby Moynihan
Dealer…..Ben Stiller
Player #1…..Jay Pharoah
Player #2…..Paul Brittain

[ open on MPAA card ]

[ dissolve to movie trailer — baseball coach in business meeting ]

Head Coach: You have rich teams… and poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap. And then there’s us.

[ intercut with footage of ballplayers striking out on the field ]

Head Coach: We’ve got to think differently!

Coach #2: differently, how?

[ cut to Coach meeting with Manager in an alley ]

Manager: Your goal shouldn’t be to buy better players. It should be to make better players.

Head Coach: But how?

Manager: with this guy.

[ reveal Dealer ]

Dealer: Hey.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] From the malers of “Moneyball”.

Dealer: What if I told you you don’t need talent or money… and you could still win?

Head Coach: With what? Heart?

Dealer: No. [ he holds up a syringe ] With steroids.

[ the coach mulls it over ]

[ SUPER: “Based On A True Story” ]

[ cut to Coach addressing his new players ]

Head Coach: Gentlemen… we’re going to give you talent.

Player #1: How you gonna do that?

Dealer: We’re gonna inject in your ass.

[ cut to Dealer applying cream to the player’s skin ]

Dealer: This is called The Cream.

Player #1: What does it do?

Dealer: It makes home runs. And it makes your nuts the size of raisins.

Player #1: Wait, what?

Dealer: Don’t worry about it.

[ cut to muscled Player #2 hitting a home run ]

Player #2: I can hit!

[ dissolve to Dealer giving the thumbs-up ]

[ dissolve to Coach #2 yelling at Head Coach ]

Coach #2: People don’t like what you’re doing! You’re threatening the game! Also, some of the players are growing tits.

[ dissolve to Player #1 examining his tits ]

[ dissolve to Dealer and Player #2 high-fiving ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach leaning against net, smiling ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach having breakfast with his daughter ]

Daughter: I’m so proud of you! How are you doing it, Daddy?

Head Coach: We’re cheating, Honey. We’re cheating.

[ his daughter smiles ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] When the odds are against you…

[ dissolve to Player #1 eating his baseball ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] …Change the odds.

[ dissolve to team applauding their victory ]

Head Coach: Nobody believed in us! But we did it OUR way! Yeah!

[ the team cheers wildly, then begin to destroy locker equipment in an uncontrollable rage ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Tinyballs”.

[ dissolve to Player #1 looking at himself beneath towel in the shower ]

Player #1: What’s happening to me?

Dealer: You’re winning.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts