Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Strauss-Kahn’s Cell

Guard…..Paul Brittain
Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn…..Taran Killam
Inmate #1…..Jay Pharoah
Inmate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ]

[ dissolve to interior, jail cell, as Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn is led inside by a Guard ]

Guard: Probably not the high-end accomodations you’re used to, Mr. Strauss-Kahn, but, uh, make yourself at home.

[ Strauss-Kahn sits on a bench as the Guard exits; a pair of inmates at the rear of the cell take notice ]

Inmate #1: Did you hear what I heard?

Inmate #2: Well, we best introduce ourselves!

[ they step forward and surround Strauss-Kahn ]

Inmate #2: Hey! Hey, we heard all about you on the news!

Inmate #1: Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Former head of the IMF!

Inmate #2: Well, guess what, Mr. Strauss-Kahn? I have a question for YOU! [ he leans closer ] What’s the IMF gonna do about the debt crisis in Greece?

Inmate #1: I tell you what I’D do: I’d let ’em default, get Greece out of the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Come on, man! You gotta give Greece a chance to settle they debt!

Inmate #1: With what?! Greeks don’t be payin’ their taxes! Where’s the revenue gonna come from? They gonna sell a chillion dollars worth of feta?

Inmate #2: Oh, snap! Come on now! Come on now, don’t be beatin’ on the Greeks!

Inmate #1: You know what the biggest Greek export is? Hard-working Greeks!

Inmate #2: True! True!

[ Strauss-Kahn smiles quietly ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, Strauss-Kahn kinda likes that! Look at Strauss-Kahn! Ha ha! Yeah!

Inmate #1: Yo! You wanna feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for the Irish.

Inmate #2: Oh, I hear that! You GOTTA feel Ireland! [ they bump fists ]

Inmate #1: Man. The Irish been eatin’ dirt and potatoes for 400 years. You can’t blame them for thinking it was their time for soem happiness.

Inmate #2: Yeah, but the good news is, the Irish know how to HANDLE hard times! They like the Germans!

Inmate #1: What?! You can’t say that! The Germans the only people in Europe that know the score right now!

Inmate #2: What about Sweden?

Inmate #1: I mean countries in the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Well, you didn’t SAY that!

Inmate #1: [ he shrugs ] We talkin’ about the Euros! So leave Sweden out of it!

Inmate #2: Well, when it comes to the Euro, Sweden thanks God every day that they were left out of it! [ he playfully shoves Strauss-Kahn ] You know what I’m talkin’ about, Strauss-Kahn![ Strauss-Kahn smiles along ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, he likes THAT one! See, he’s smiling a little bit! He’s in JAIL, but he’s smilin’! Yeah!

Inmate #1: All I’m saying, is the Germans have proven that the only way out of a debt crisis is austerity measures. You get in a jam, you gotta cut back.

Inmate #2: Yo! But you can’t expect the rest of Europe to act like Germany! I mean, Germans be GOOD at being hos-tile — that’s they habit! All a German needs to smile, is a half a sausage and a carton of Menthol! I mean, you can’t expect somebody in Spain to be happy with that! In Spain, they need to rezone sangria!

Inmate #1: And I guess Germany has to pay for Spain’s sangria?

Inmate #2: They do if they don’t want the Euro to crumble.

Inmate #1: [ he scoffs ] Would you have Germany bail out Portugal?

Inmate #2: Bitch, you know I got no love for Portugal! Portugal ain’t nothin’ but the dingleberry hanging off of Spain’s nutsack! [ he scoffs ] Portugal! And they low-ass broke! They can fall in the ocean for all I care!

Inmate #1: So now you willin’ to let a domino fall. But when it was Greece, it was a different story.

Inmate #2: Yo! Greece created democracy! I got MAD respect for Greece!

Inmate #1: Man, creation of democracy is in the PAST, yo! Greece wantin’ respect for democracy is like Nas wantin’ respect for Illmatic!

Inmate #2: Oh, snap!

Inmate #1: I mean, DSK know what I’m talkin’ about!

Inmate #2: [ laughing ] Yeah, that’s fair! Okay! That’s fair!

Inmate #1: It’s been really good talkin’ to you, Mr. Strauss-Kahn.

Inmate #2: Yeah. It truly has. So, uh — [ he looks around the cell ] We gonna RAPE you now! Yeah!

[ both inmates place their hands on Strauss-Kahn’s shoulders ]

Inmate #2: And…

All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Goodnights

…..Justin Timberlake
…..Jimmy Fallon

Justin Timberlake: Thank you to Lady Gaga! Jimmy Fallon! Bradley Cooper! Susan Sarandon! Patricia Clarkson!

Jimmy Fallon: Justin Timberlaaaaaaake!!

Justin Timberlake: Come on, man! Thank you, and that’s the season, baby!

Jimmy Fallon: Have a good summerrrrrrr!!

Justin Timberlake: Whoo!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22


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Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


May 21st, 2011

Justin Timberlake

Lady Gaga

None

Patricia Clarkson

Susan Sarandon

Bradley Cooper

Jimmy Fallon

None

Jorma Taccone

Strauss-Kahn’s CellSummary: Upon being admitted into Rikers Island, Dominique Strauss-Kahn (Taran Killam) is accosted by a pair of inmated (Kenan Thompson, Jay Pharoah) who want to discuss the world economy.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake sings about how he’s not going to sing on tonight’s show.

Transcript

LiquorvilleSummary: A business owner (Kristen Wiig) dressed as a tea bag faces competition from Liquorville’s beer bottle (Justin Timberlake) and wine bottle (Lady Gaga) mascots.

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

WXPD NewsSummary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at a high school following a carbon monoxide scare.

Recurring Characters: Anchor, Herb Welch.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Dick in a Box”/”Mother Lover” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) engage in a “3-Way (The Golden Rule)” with one girl (Lady Gaga).

Lady Gaga performs “The Edge Of Glory” and “Judas”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “Really?!?” when Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals his 14-year affair with the family maid. During an installment of “Get in the Cage”, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) asks Bradley Cooper why he wasn’t in “The Hangover 2”. Seth Meyers says goodbye for the summer and heads off for a vacation getaway with Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage, Stefon.

Transcript

What’s That Name?Summary: Celebrity game show contestant and all-around asshole Justin Timberlake can’t remember girl he had sex with (Abby Elliott) or former bandmate Chris Kirkpatrick (Taran Killam), while Lady Gaga easily recalls everyone she’s ever met.

Recurring Characters: Vince Blight.

Transcript

Merryville Love Tunnel RideSummary: When the love tunnel ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Jason Sudeikis) is freaked out when the animatronic robots (Taran Killam, Justin Timberlake, Bill Hader) hit on his girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Robot, Repairman.

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and The Mysterious Crandell (Justin Timberlake) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Lady Gaga performs “Born This Way”

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like all those other times.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Rachel Maddow, Roland S. Martin.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray release features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing Jimmy Fallon (Justin Timberlake) and singing with ?uestLove (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

MozartSummary: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Justin Timberlake) arrogantly decides he should move on from composing music to doing live theater with his partner-in-crime Antonio Salieri (Andy Samberg).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Republican Candidate

Republican Candidate…..Ed Helms

[ open on stock footage of eagle soaring, majestic fields, etc. ]

Announcer: This election season, America will decide if we want four more years of politics as usual… or if we think, as a nation, we can do better.

[ dissolve to random Republican candidate seated on his desk ]

Republican Candidate: I think we can do better. Hello, I’m either Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, or Gary Johnson. And I believe I’M the man that can get this country back on track.

[ cut to close-up shot ]

I understand that, with such a crowded field of candidates, it’s hard to tell us apart. We all look the same, and our names are boring. But, whoever I am, there are some things I know to be true.

[ cut to wide shot ]

I know that free enterprise is the beating heart of any vibrant democracy. I know that I’m a white male between the ages of 45 and 60. I know that I’m not Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich, because you know what they look like. But I might be Joh Huntsman or John Thune. In conclusion: My dad, the military, dogs, church stuff.

I’m Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, John Thune, John Huntsman, Gary Johnson, Mitch Johnson, Tim Daniels, or Hunt Mitchman. And I approved this message.

[ cut to American flag graphic ]

Announcer: Paid for by Land’s End.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Buchanan Brothers

Platinum Buchanan…..Ed Helms
Sandy-Haired Buchanan…..Taran Killam
Dan Fouts…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Fouts…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Paul Brittain

INT. FOUTS HOME – NIGHT

[ DAN FOUTS & HIS WIFE observe their daughter and her date before they step out for the evening. ]

Boyfriend: Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Fouts — your daughter’s in good hands.

Daughter: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Don’t wait up for me…

Mrs. Fouts: What time will you be home?

Daughter: Who knows? It’s prom night!

[ The youngsters depart. ]

Mrs. Fouts: I’m worried, Dan.

Dan Fouts: About what?

Mrs. Fouts: They’re not going to… do it? Are they?

Dan Fouts: I did IT all to YOU on our Prom Night.

Mrs. Fouts: But we grew up in a nastier time.

Dan Fouts: Don’t worry. I put this in their car —

[ He holds up a CD. ]

[ COVER ART OF “THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS – KEEPING IT SOFT: ULTIMATE TURN-OFFS” ]

Mrs. Fouts (V/O): “The Buchanan Brothers – Keeping it Soft: Ulitmate Turn-Offs” Collection.

Dan Fouts: There’s a lot of songs out there to put you in the mood. But listen as Buchanan Brothers take you OUT of the mood… WAY OUT!

[ CUT TO PERFORMING STAGE ]

[ THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS, one PLATINUM BLONDE, moustached and the other SANDY-HAIRED, clean shaven, wear matching retro 70’s wardrobes and sway to an opening melody. ]

[ SUPER: “REMEMBER THAT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You’re both getting closer.
The night’s feeling so right.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Let me ask you a question,
before your love takes flight.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Remember when you saw your
grandmother’s naked boobie?”

Both: [ singing ]
“Remember that time you saw?
Remember that time you saw?
A single, flapping naked boob!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple is discomforted after hearing the previous track. ]

Dan Fouts: That’s no fun to think about!

Mrs. Fouts: Makes me feel weird.

Dan Fouts: No one’s getting laid after that — or this…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DEEP DOWN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft hug.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft kiss.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Now think about a carpeted bathroom.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“There’s never a time that carpet dries out.”

Both: [ singing ]
“If you pulled it up, you’d see
thousands of silver fish.”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: Ugh! That was fairly gross.

Mrs. Fouts: I’ll say. And the Buchanan Brothers really bring the unsexy back with this next hit…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “SO RIGHT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about the Native Americans.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about what we did to them.”

Both: [ singing ]
“We’ll never make that right!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: How could anyone make love with exploited, Native Americans on their mind?

Mrs. Fouts: That’s the point. And there’s more… with songs like – –

[ SUPER: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath” ]

Dan Fouts: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath”

[ SUPER: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You”

[ SUPER: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise” ]

Dan Fouts: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise.” And…

[ SUPER: “Adult Baptisms” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Adult Baptisms”

Dan Fouts: Plus, this “keep-it-in-your pants” single…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “IRRE’CYST’ABLE” ]

Both: [ singing ]
“Some cysts can
grow teeth and hair.
What if one’s
inside you now?
Growing teeth and hair!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple’s daughter comes storming in. ]

Daughter: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I don’t want to talk about it! Good night!

[ She runs upstairs quick. ]

Mrs. Fouts: Sounds like somebody had a horrible night.

[ Dan chuckles. ]

Dan Fouts: Let’s hope it the first of many more to come.

Mrs. Fouts: Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

Dan Fouts: We’re great parents!

Mrs. Fouts: We sure are! [ a beat ] Hey, I’m in the mood. Let’s say we go upstairs and finish what they couldn’t get started.

Dan Fouts: Hang on — let’s listen to this bonus track first…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DUST = 90% SKIN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“I love you!”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“And I want you!”

Both: [ singing ]
“Did you know that
90% of dust is skin!”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You breathe in other people’s skin!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Mrs. Fouts: Never mind about going upstairs now.

Dan Fouts: Good. Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

[ CD COVER ART ]

[ SUPER: AVAILABLE WHEREVER CD’S ARE STILL SOLD. ]

Announcer: Available wherever CD’s are still sold.

[ END ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Situation Room

Wolf Blitzer…..Jason Sudeikis
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Jennifer Kates…..Vanessa Bayer
T-shirt crew members…..Taran Killam, Nasim Pedrad

[ open on “The Situation Room” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer standing before monitor ]

Wolf Blitzer: [ mumbly throughout ] Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer. And this… this is “The Situation Room”, which, three nights a week, also doubles as my bedroom. Earlier this week, President Barack Obama spoke in el Paso, Texas. And while the topic of the speech was Immigration Reform, it also seemed as if the President were taking a victory lap after the capture and death of Osama bin Laden. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to President Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: [ pointing to his supporters ] Thank you! Thank you! [ laughing ] You feeling GOOD, El Paso? [ the crowd cheers ] I’m feeling good, too! I’m gonna talk about immigration, but first, I’m not sure if you heard the news — We killed bin Laden! [ the crowd cheers ] Ha ha, that’s right! Ha ha ha! Yeah! It’s great to be back here in Texas, the Lone Star state, home of George W. Bush, the 43rd President — The 43rd president to NOT kill bin Laden, this is! We got him! We got bin Laden! Ha ha ha! [ the crowd cheers ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: I’m joined now by senior political analyst Jennifer Kates! Jennifer, the President seems incredibly upbeat.

Jennifer Kates: Well, simply put, Wolf: Killing Osama bin Laden has put the President in a great mood. It’s a clean political win, he knows it, and I can’t remember the last time I saw him this relaxed and confident.

Wolf Blitzer: Indeed! So confident. In fact, at one point in the speech, he started openly smoking!

[ return to Obama, now smoking a cigarette as he addresses the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Yeah. Killed bin Laden. ME! Barack Hussein Obama. Ha ha ha! Yeah, that’s right. I’m not hiding anything any more! And I’m not hiding THESE! [ he holds up his cigarette ] I’m not hiding the “Hussein”, either! Don’t have to! In fact, I might even drop the “Barack”! “President Hussein Obama”! Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s how good I’M feeling! We killed bin Laden! Walked into his house, shot him right in the head! BOOM-shaka-laka! Ha ha ha ha!

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, Jennifer, ostensibly this speech was about immigration.

Jennifer Kates: Correct, Wolf. But, in what may be a preview of what’s to come on the campaign trail, every time he started talking about policy, it kept coming back around to bin Laden.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Ha ha ha ha! They’re going to say “Obamacare”? I’m going to say “Guy-who-killed-bin-Laden-care”! [ the crowd cheers ] Yeah, yeah! They’re gonna say: “Where are the jobs?” Yeah! I say: “I got a job opening! Al-Quaeda Number One! Now accepting applications!” Ha ha ha! I get one of those? Can I get one more of these, please? [ he holds up his empty water bottle ] Thank you. Alright. Now, uh — people want to see a picture of Osama bin Laden, but, you know, we’re not gonna do that. We don’t spike the football. But we can do a little touchdown dance! ?? Shuffle? [ he shuffles ] Ha ha ha ha! Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow! That is really loose!

Jennifer Kates: The crowd WAS with him, and he KNEW it! At times, it almost verged into stand-up comedy.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: What else I got? [ he glances at notes on his podium ] Oh, yeah. Pakistan’s all angry at me. They’re like, “You should’ve called! You need to be better at communication!” I was like, “Take it easy, Pakistan! I’ve already GOT a wife!” Ha ha ha ha! Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers, as he points into the crowd ] This guy knows what I’m talking about, right here! Ha ha ha! Yeah. Did you ever notice how white presidents are always like, “We’re gonna find bin Laden, no matter where he hides!” But a BLACK president’s like, “You’ll DIE, bitch!!” Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers ] Ha ha ha ha ha!

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Mmm. It seems as if he’s using “Killed bin Laden” as if it’s a catchphrase.

Jennifer Kates: Oh, it seemed like he was working on a couple of catchphrases.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Now… if your idea of a home theater is a 13-inch Sanyo and a roomful of loose wires… you MIGHT be a terrorist! [ the crowd cheers ] Alright. Well, enough talking. Let’s get those t-shirt guns out here!

[ T-shirt crew members fire t-shirts into the crowd ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Mmm. A memorable speech, indeed. We’ll take a break. When we return, terrifying news if you’re planning to be a passenger on Southwest Airlines flight [ he mumbles the number incoherently ] But, first: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Goodnights

…..Ed Helms

Ed Helms: Thanks to Paul Simon… Lindsey Buckinghan… Chris Colfer… Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm! And thanks to… Lorne Michaels and this incredible cast and crew, the writers and everybody. I’ve had an incredible week! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

TV Funhouse

Ace…..Jon Hamm
Gary…..Jimmy Fallon
Bighead…..Steve Carell
Dr. Brainio…..Stephen Colbert
Two Face…..Ed Helms
Lizardo…..Fred Armisen

Jingle:
“The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguously gay.
They’re ambiguously gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “The Dark Clenched Hole of Evil.”

[ open in Big Head’s secret laboratory ]

Dr. Brainio: And with this flesh-ray weapon I’ve designed, no one will be safe from our deadly carnivorous cyber-eel.

Bighead: Never mind that! We’ve broken into Ace & Gary’s communication network!

Dr. Brainio: So we can track their whereabouts?

Bighead: No! Their credit card account! Any smoking guns, Lizardo?

Lizardo: [ on the computer ] Not yet. Subscriptions to Men’s Fitness, Men’s Cleanliness, GQ…

Bighead: GQ’s gay!

Half Face: Not as much any more. They’ve got that “Women Men Love” thing.

Bighead: THAT’S Esquire!

[ cut to City Hall ]

Commissioner: Ace! Gary! we have reason to believe Bighead and his cronies are hacking into your system!

Ace: [ over phone ] Why, Commissioner, that’s a penetration of our privacy.

Commissioner: Uh… I think that term is… “invasion”, Ace.

Ace: Those villains! They’re trying to probe our most sensitive areas. I can feel it.

[ the Commissioner shirks ]

Ace: Commissioner? Are you there?

Commissioner: We really have to be going…

Ace: Commissioner, we make a great team! You finger the perps, and we give them our fists!

Commissioner: Gotta go!

Ace: To the Duo Car, Gary!

Gary: You got it, Ace!

[ they run out of their workout room ]

[ Ace & Gary zoom through the alley in heir penis-shaped car ]

Ace: Time’s running out! THRUST it, Gary!

[ Gary pulls the thrust handle, as the car stretches in size, pulsates, then flies into the air ]

[ cut to Bighead’s lab ]

Lizardo: Let’s see… nose hair trimmer…

Bighead: What about gay porn?

Lizardo: The online gay porn sites are very secure. I have my limits.

Half Face: So… if someone had bleached their pubic hair, you couldn’t find out?

Lizardo: Well… yes. If a person bought items that would indicate it, I could.

Half Face: What if he paid cash… or used a credit card once, in 1997? Does that follow him to his grave?

Dr. Brainio: Moving on.

Bighead: Here’s a suggestion: Let’s just survey all the male hookers in the area and find out who they’ve been sleeping with?

Dr. Brainio: That’s not a good idea!

Lizardo: Nope!

Minion: I don’t like it.

Dr. Brainio: Don’t say anything…

[ Ace & Gary hover outside Bighead’s lab ]

Gary: Where’s the entrance, Ace?

Ace: Let’s just stick it RIGHT through the duster, Gary.

[ they begin to through thrust the car against the outer wall ]

Ace: Reverse! Thrust! Reverse! Thrust! Reverse!

[ it’s a no-go ]

Ace: Vibration mode!

[ the front of the car begins to vibrate wildly, enabling them to crash through the wall and disrupt the criminals ]

Ace: NOW who’s being penetrated without expecting it?!

Bighead: Epic pop-in.

Dr. Brainio: The flesh-ray! Fire it NOW!

[ Half Face fires the flesh-ray ]

[ the rays zap Ace & Gary, as the screen morphs into live-action ]

Ace: What’s… happening… Gary?

Gary: Feeling… smooth.

Ace: You scoundrels! Transforming my partner into warm, juicy flesh!

Gary: Plus, we’re LETTER-BOXED!

Dr. Brainio: You’re finished! Release the cyber-eel!

Half Face: Wait! This ray won’t stop firing!

[ the flesh-ray zaps the cyber-eel, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the Duo Car, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the criminals, who morphs into live-action ]

Half Face: It’s the GUN! I swear!

Bighead: [ to Dr. Brainio ] Tell me something! How much did you PAY for that thing?!

Dr. Brainio: Less than I paid for your mother!

[ Bighead growls ]

Dr. Brainio: [ pointing at Ace & Gary ] Get them!

[ Ace and Gary put up their dukes and point their butt cheeks at one another ]

[ they start punching the criminals, including a split-punch to the groin courtesy of Gary ]

Gary: Think we can take them, Ace?

Ace: I think we Can-Can!

[ Ace and Gary wraps their arms across each others shoulder, then administer Can-Can kicks to the henchmen ]

Ace: What’s everybody looking at?

Gang: NOTHING!!

[ Ace & Gary Can-Can kick more henchmen ]

Dr. Brainio: We can’t stop them! We need a new plan!

Lizardo: May I suggest something we haven’t addressed?

Dr. Brainio: Yes. Please.

Lizarso: What if they are bi?

Dr. Brainio: Oh, come on! Let’s go!

Bighead: I agree with Brainio! Nobody is bi! That is just a gay guy who occasionally bangs a lady!

Half Face: Well, what’s Andy Dick, then?

Dr. Brainio: Can we go, PLEASE?!

Ace: There could be more, Gary. We better get a good stretch.

[ Ace & Gary strecth across one another, as everyone watches ]

Dr. Brainio: I’m BEGGING you… to FOCUS! Come on!

[ the criminals silently exit the lab ]

Gary: They got away, Ace!

Ace: Hold on, Friend of Friends! [ he touches his nipple through his costume ] I’m picking up some disturbing chatter on my Pec-sponder! They’ve gone to the roof!

[ Gary pats Ace on the ass, and they run ]

[ the cyber-eel desperately tries to bust out of its glass case ]

[ Ace & Gary run out of a dark alley outside ]

Ace: Quick! Gary! Climb on my back!

[ Gary jumps on Ace’s back as the henchmen arrive, each one getting knocked down by a swift blow from Gary’s bulbous butt cheeks ]

[ Ace presses a button, releasing a grappler claw from his crotch area that fires upward and secures a hold at the top of the building ]

[ back inside the lab, the cyber-eel has smashes its way out of its glass case ]

[ atop the rooftop, Bighead and his gang try to escape as Ace & Gary appear ]

Ace: We gotcha NOW, Bighead! You may look real… but you’re STILL —

[ the cyber-eel lurches over the edge of the building and attacks Ace & Gary ]

Ace: I got the tail, Gary! Go for the neck, that’s where it’s most sensitive!

[ as they struggle with the cyber-eel, the criminals watch in horror ]

Ace: That’s it! Bite the head, Gary! Bite the head HARD!

[ Ace & Gary freeze ]

Ace: NOW what are you looking at?!

Gang: NOTHING!!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Song Memories

Ed…..Ed Helms
Bill…..Bill Hader
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Scientist…..Paul Brittain

[ open on poker table in the basement, as three buddies hang out together ]

Ed: Oh, it’s so great seeing you guys!

Bill: We’ve talked about this forever.

Andy: Yeah, I’m glad we finally got our schedules together.

[ Jason returns with bottles of beer ]

Jason: Alright, here’s some brews to make up for the money I just won off you suckers.

Bill: I hope it won’t disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes, will it?

Jason: No, no. They won’t mind. Go ahead. Let loose.

[ Bill points the remote at the stereo and pots up Cat Stevens’ “Wild World” ]

Jason: Oh! Great song!

Andy: Classic!

Jason: Classic, yeah!

[ they all sing along with the opening “La la la la la…” line ]

Jason: You know, uh — I think this was the first song I ever learned on guitar. Yeah, my grandpa taught me how to play it.

Andy: Oh, yeah?

Jason: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, music was a real bond between us, you know? He bought me my first turntable, and he gave me his ENTIRE record collection after he passed away. I got a lot of great memories of just sitting around listening to albums with him. I miss him.

Bill: He’s always, always, always, always with you, man.

Jason: No, no… [ he lifts a cup ] I know. Especially since I carry his ashes around with me in this Jamba Juice cup. [ he slams the cup on the table and lets some of the ashes fly ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Andy: [ pointing to the cup ] Why is there a straw in there?

Jason: ‘Cause, uh — so he can breathe.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad.

Jason: Ah!

Bill: Oh, yeah. We’ve always had our ups and downs. He’s certainly no angel, but… he’s my dad, you know?

Ed: Aren’t you guys estranged?

Bill: Yeah. We haven’t seen each other in years. I feel terrible about it. It’s only recently I found out where he was living.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Did you call him?

Bill: I tried, but, by the time I found his number, several Navy seals had killed him and thrown his body in the ocean.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Bill: I did inherit his sweet porn collection, though.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Andy: You know, one of my patients was humming this song the other day.

Ed: Oh, yeah! How is being a doctor?

Andy: Oh! I LOVE it! You know, I feel like I’m really helping people, I give them their yearly check-up. The only thing they don’t like is that prostate exam — you know, when I gotta put my finger up there? [ the buddies chuckle with famliarity ] It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable for them, but, you know, you gotta get yuor prostate checked, right?

Jason: Yeah. Prevention is everything.

Andy: Yeah. I just hope none of my lady patients find out they don’t have one! [ he laughs mischieviously ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Jason: Now, you’re a dentist, right?

Andy: That is correct!

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: You guys know how I like to dress up in a full scuba suit and then hide in the bottom of Port-o-Pottys and take pictures, right?

Bill: Yeah.

Andy: Ohhhh, yeah!

Ed: It’s just who I am. I even put together a coffee table book called “Port-o-Potty Hotties: A View from Below”.

Jason: Ohhh, nice!

Andy: Hey, was that on Amazon?

Ed: No. No, I never published it. I just made one copy.

Andy: I’d really love to see that.

Ed: Well… I don’t have it any more. I gave it away. The BEST Mother’s Day present I ever gave.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

[ Ed grabs Jason’s Jamba Juice cup and takes a sip, then spits the ashes out of his mouth when he realzies his mistake ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: Man! It is SO great to be here! I really needed this, guys.

[ Scientist comes down the stairs ]

Scientist: Boys? Boys?

All: Uh-oh!

Scientist: Are you ready to make ze human centipede?

All: Let’s do it! Yeah!

[ they all assume the position ]

Andy: This is SO dumb!

[ freeze-frame, as Captain & Tenille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” plays ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Ann-Margret Tries To Throw Away A Wad Of Paper Into A Trashcan

Beau…..Ed Helms
Ann-Margret…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior living space, 60’s-era swanky abode ]

Beau: [ holding up crumpled wad of paper ] Throw this away for me, would you, Doll?

[ drum cymbals begin to beat lightly, as Ann-Margret, back to the camera, holds out her hand ]

Announcer: And now… Ann-Margret Tries to THrow Away a Wad of Paper Into a Trashcan.”

[ Ann-Margret grabs the wad of paper and turns to face the camera ]

Ann-Margret: Let’s make this happen!

[ as the drum cymbals, crash she begins to shimmy across the living room ]

Beau: [ smashing his cigarette into the ashtray ] It’s right over there.

[ Ann-Margret swings her arms up and down in rhythm ]

Beau: Yeah, yeah — you’re not very close.

[ Ann-Margret shimmies back and forth across the floor ]

Beau: It’s over here, actually.

[ Ann-Margret shimmies further away from the trashcan ]

Beau: The other way. You know what? [ he crosses the room and grabs the trashcan ] Here we go. I’ll just put it right there for you. There’s no way you can miss it now.

[ he takes his seat on the sofa ]

Beau: Alright, sweetheart. You’re right on top of it. You can just let go any time.

[ Ann-Margret drops back onto the sofa, kicks her legs in the air and shakes her head ]

Beau: [ to himself ] I should have done this. I should have done this myself.

[ Ann-Margret jumps back to her feet and shimmies back across the room ]

Beau: Okay, now you’re straddling it! Now you’re straddling it! How do you not know it’s there?!

[ Ann-Margret prances into the hall ]

Beau: Now where are you going? Okay, running around the hallway. That’s not helping.

[ Ann-Margaret disappears into the hallway, then her hand holding the wad of paper emerges, and soon she bounces out behind it ]

Beau: Oh, there it is. A litle bee-bop-a-doo.

[ Ann-Margret returns to the living room ]

Beau: There, she’s coming back!

[ Ann-Margret begins to spank her hindside as she dances over the trashcan ]

Beau: Spanking it. Right there! It’s right there! You got it! Come here! Look! Eyes on me! Eyes on me! Trashcan! Paper in the trash! THROW IT!!

[ the music crashes to a stop, as Ann-Margret finally drops the wad of paper in the trashcan ]

Beau: Yeah. You did a great job, Ann.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Beau: Well, there’s someone at the door.

[ the music stings, as the camera zooms in on Ann-Margret’s expectant face ]

Ann-Margret: Let’s make this happen!

[ Ann-Margret begins to shimmy backwards toward the door ]

Beau: So… does this mean you’re gonna get the door?

[ Ann-Margret continues to shimmy in place ]

Beau: No? Just more dancing? Alright, you know what? I’ll get it.

[ he tries to slip past Ann-Margret, but she keeps shimmying in his way ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts