Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

Sportscenter Deportes

Ramon Zaragoza….Paul Brittain
Sofia Cortes….Gwyneth Paltrow
Esteban….Fred Armisen
Kevin Garnett….Jay Pharoah
Paco….Taran Killam
Paco’s date….Nasim Pedrad
Little kid….Bobby Moynihan

[Opens with Sportcenter logo]

Announcer: Sportcenter ESPN Deportes presentado por Dos Equis.

[Sportcenter desk]

Ramon Zaragoza: Muy buenas noches señoras y señores y bienvenidos a ESPN Deportes. Soy Ramon Zaragoza aqui con Sofia Cortes.

Sofia Cortes: Hola.

Ramon Zaragoza: La primera noticia esta noche es una situacion muy grave. Lo que sabemos es que Jeff Van Gundy ha desaparecido. Y nos enteramos tambien que Stan Van Gundy ha desaparecido. Repito que nadie sabe donde esta Jeff y Stan Van Gundy. Sofia?

Sofia Cortes: Mas detalles en el escandalo en curso de Brett Favre. Nos enteramos que el era sexting con una Jets cheerleader. Tambien recibiendo sexting fue Sheryl Swoopes. Y increiblemente Phillie Phanatic recibio una foto del pene de Brett Favre.

Ramon Zaragoza: Accion hoy dia en la NBA. Los Bulls contra los Pistons. Derrick Rhodes en el fast break a Ronnie Brewer y devuelve aRhodes and [Rhodes slam dunks] pop goes the weasel!

Sofia Cortes: Despues de un partido contra los New York Knicks nuestro reportero hablo con Kevin Garnett sobre su victoria.

[cut to Kevin Garnett in the lockeroom]

Kevin Garnett: I’m just glad we got the win. I think we did a good job controlling the tempo.

Esteban: Hahaha, estamos aqui en Party Time. Estoy aqui con Kevin Garnett. Tu defensa en el tercer cuarto era off the chain. Parece que el equipo kicked some ass hasta el campeonato. You know what I’m saying?

Kevin Garnett: [confused] No, I do not.

Ramon Zaragoza: Gracias, Esteban. Buen reportaje. [smokes cigarrette] Oh, ahora un words from our sponsor.

[Sportcenter logo]

[Dos Equis commercial. A date in a bar]

Paco: Dos Equis, por favor.

Paco’s date: No, no, no Paco. Tres Equis.

Little kid: [holding up a beer] Mas Equis, mas fun!

Ramon Zaragoza: Volmenos con las mejores 5 jugadas del dia.

Announcer: Las Mejores Cinco!

Ramon Zaragoza: Numero 5. Lebron James con la pelota para el tres….[Lebron scores] and whoomp there it is!

Sofia Cortes: Numero 4. Erin Rogers tirando largo y…. [Rogers makes the catch] what you talking about Willis?!

Ramon Zaragoza: Numero 3. Alexander Ovechkin tiene el espacio y….[Ovechkin scores] Snowcapolypse!

Sofia Cortes: Numero 2. Mark Sanchez buscando su compañero….[the pass is completed] getting jiggy with it!

Ramon Zaragoza: Numero 1. Russell Westbrook ataca la canasta pero…[his shot is blocked] no soup for you!

Sofia Cortes: Y finalmente vamos a ver un blooper.

[A man goes round and round riding an ostrich]

Sofia Cortes: [cracks herself up] Ay, madre. Blooper!

Ramon Zaragoza:[amused] Que blooper! Fantastico. Regresamos despues de esto. See ya’!!!

[Sportcenter Deportes logo]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Pee Wee Herman
…..Anderson Cooper
…..Fred Armisen
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson

[ Andy Samberg walks into a bar ]

Andy Samberg: [ to the bartender ] Hey. Can I have a beer, please?

Bartender: Sure, you got it.

Andy Samberg: Thanks. [ he turns to the person sitting next to him ] Excuse me, you know what time it is?

[ the man is revealed to be Pee Wee Herman ]

Pee Wee Herman: Time for you to get a watch! [ he laughs playfully ]

Andy Samberg: Pee Wee Herman? Awesome! Oh my gosh, I’m such a big fan!

Pee Wee Herman: [ he laughs ] I know you are, but what am I?

Andy Samberg: [ excited ] YES! I love that! Hey, you gotta let me buy you a drink!

Pee Wee Herman: Well… I usually just stick with milk.

Andy Samberg: Oh.

Pee Wee Herman: I guess just this once! [ he laughs ]

Andy Samberg: Awesome! Excuse me, bartender? [ he holds up two fingers ] SHOTS!

[ Andy and Pee Wee each lift a shot ]

Andy Samberg: Cheers!

[ strobe effects as they down their shots ]

Sountrack: “DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS!”

Pee Wee Herman: Two more, please!

[ more shots are presented, and they down them quickly ]

Sountrack: “DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS!”

Pee Wee Herman: TWO MORE!!

[ more shots are downed quickly ]

Pee Wee Herman: TWO MOOOOOOORE!!

Sountrack: “MORE DRINKS!!”

[ a drunken Andy and Pee Wee ride the mechanical bull together ]

Man: TEQUILA!!

[ “Tequila” plays, as Andy and Pee Wee Herman appear on the bar counter to do the Tequila dance ]

[ they down more shots in slow-motion, as “Tequila” plays at a slower speed ]

Andy & Pee Wee: TEQUILAAAA!!!

[ cut to Andy and Pee Wee exiting the bar some time later ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ah, this was the best night of my life, Andy!

Andy Samberg: The same. [ looking ] Hey, look — it’s Anderson Cooper!

[ Anderson Cooper is seen in the distance ]

Pee Wee Herman: You wanna play a prank on him?

Andy Samberg: Yes!

[ Andy runs after Anderson Cooper ]

Andy Samberg: Hey! Hey, Anderson!

Anderson Cooper: Hey! Andy! How’s it going?

Andy Samberg: Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you know Barbara Walters?

Anderson Cooper: Sure.

Andy Samberg: You guys ever hook up?

Anderson Cooper: [ confused ] Is this a joke?

[ Andy shakes his head no ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ohhhh, Anderson!

[ Anderson turns to look, as Pee Wee swings a chair at his head ]

Pee Wee Herman: Here’s a headline!

[ Anderson drops to the ground, as Pee and Andy high-five ]

Together: PRAAAAANKK!!

[ they run around the corner, where they are stopped by a cop ]

Pee Wee Herman: F–K! [ slurred ] What seems to be the problem, Officer?

Officer: You boys been drinking tonight?

[ they laugh nervously ]

Officer: I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a breathylyzer test. When I say “Blow” —

[ Andy blows flames out of his mouth ]

Andy Samberg: I had one drink.

Pee Wee Herman: Oh, Officer! Here’s a headline!

[ Pee Wee swings a chair at the officer’s head and drops him to the ground ]

[ cut to Andy and Pee Wee entering Andy’s apartment ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ha ha ha, did you see the look on that PIG’s face?!

Andy Samberg: That pig got WRECKED!!

[ Andy looks across the room to see Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, and Kenan Thompson seated on his couch ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Fred Armisen: This is an intervention, Andy.

Pee Wee Herman: What’s the big problem?! He’s just trying to have some FUN!

Andy Samberg: Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: He’s not the only one with a problem, Pee Wee. Your friends are here, too.

[ Pee Wee looks over to see Chairy, Terry, and Conky standing by ]

Pee Wee Herman: Chairy?

Chairy: Hello, Pee Wee!

Pee Wee Herman: Terry?

Terry: I’m appalled!

Pee Wee Herman: Conky?

Conky: You’re a b-b-b-b-bad influence on each other!

Andy Samberg: We are not!

[ a bandaged Andersoon Cooper appears ]

Anderson Cooper: Oh, really?

Pee Wee Herman: [ stunned ] Hey, Anderson…

Anderson Cooper: You almost hit me in the eye! Do you know what would happen if I lost these eyes? They’re a national treasure!

Andy Samberg: They are!

Pee Wee Herman: You’d be blind… that’d be terrible…

Fred Armisen: You guys can’t hang out together any more. Why don’t you take a moment… to say goodbye?

Pee Wee Herman: Okay… [ he turns ] Goodbye, Andy. It was fun while it lasted. And even though you’re a bad influence… you’re a GREAT friend.

Andy Samberg: I know you are… but what am I?

Pee Wee Herman: [ faces the camera, shocked ] The sonofabitch stole my line!

Chairy: They’re cured!

Conky: Hooray!

[ everyone cheers ]

Terry: Let’s celebrate by doing some shots!

Everyone: SHOOOOOOOTTTTSSS!!!

Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!

Chairy: Shots!

Anderson Cooper: Shots!

[ everyone chugs shots ]

[ Anderson Cooper attempts to sit on Chairy ]

Chairy: GET THE F–K OFF OF ME!!

Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

Goodnights

…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow: I had the best time ever! Thanks to Cee Lo Green, Paul Reubens, Anderson Cooper, this incredible cast! Have a good night! We love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

Globe Theater

Emcee…..Bobby Moynihan
Male Audience Member…..Andy Samberg
Female Audience Member…..Kristen Wiig
William Shakespeare…..Bill Hader
Actor…..Taran Killam
Actress…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Lute Player…..Fred Armisen
Falconer…..Jason Sudeikis
Black Man…..Jay Pharoah
Painter…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on art card: Globe Theater, 1594 ]

[ dissolve to theater stage ]

Emcee: Greetings, countrymen! And welcome to the illustrious Globe Theater! Tonight, we are proud to present William Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew.

[ the audience applauds ]

Male Audience Member: Huzzahhhh!!

Female Audience Member: Three cheers for The Bard!

Emcee: But, first — we are trying something rather novel here at the Globe. Our actors are going to give you a glance ahead, at some of our Coming Attractions! We call them… Previews.

[ the audience frowns in confusion ]

Male Audience Member: Previews?

Female Audience Member: Curious!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Romeo thought he had everything!

Actor: Methinks I have… everything.

William Shakespeare: — Until he fell in love… with the enemy!

Actress: I am Juliet, from Capulet.

Actor: The whaaaat?

[ lute player steps forward ]

Actress: [ singing ]
“I’ve got a feeling…
That this is going to be a good eve.”

All: [ singing ]
“That this eve’s going to be
A good, good eve!”

[ they bow ]

William Shakespeare: “Romeo and Juliet”. It’s a romance… to die for!

Male Audience Member: I don’t know if I care for these previews!

Female Audience Member: They gave away the whole plot! Now, start the play!

Male Audience Member: START THE PLAY!!

Emcee: In a moment, thank you, sir. But, first, a quick reminder: Make sure to silence your falcon —

[ reveal wide-grinning audience member holding a falcon. The falcon screeches, so the audience member places a nuzzle over his beak ]

Emcee: And, in case of a fire, the emergency exits are… nowhere. So, please, make your peace with God. Now, enjoy… The Taming of the Shrew — after one more preview!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Hamlet never believed in ghosts!

Actor: That’s all HOGWASH!

William Shakespeare: — Until his own father came back — from the dead!

[ an actor in a white sheet appears behind Hamlet ]

Black Man in Audience: [ screaming ] Hey, watch out, Hamlet! It’s a GHOST!!

Male Audience Member: Shhh!! Keep it down! Now, start the play!

Female Audience Member: Start the play already!!

Emcee: Please, please! Just another quick reminder: Any recording of today’s play is prohibited.

[ a painter in the audience looks up from his canvas of the theater, quickly retrieves his easel and runs for it ]

Emcee: And, remember: Refreshments are available in the foyer.

[ actors dance on stage ]

Actor & Actress: [ singing ]
“Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!”

Actor: And eat some boiled duck!

Black Man in Audience: Awww, HELL nay!

Male Audience Member: [ holding up a large chalise ] And can you believe this is a Small?!

Emcee: And now, without further ado, I give you Taming of the Shrew — after ONE more preview!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: You love Henry IV. Well, guess what? There’s a new king in town!

Actress: Henry IV, I presume?

Actor: Not… exactly.

William Shakespeare: Henry… the Fifth! [ he smiles ]

Male Audience Member: Let’s burn this place DOWWWWWWNNNN!!

[ the audience cheers him on in agreement ]

[ freeze-frame ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ] And so they did. And no one ever heard of shakespeare again. This has been… FALSE HISTORY! Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

What the Forget!

Karen Antonelli…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Larry…..Andy Samberg
Keith…..Jason Sudeikis
Rodney…..Paul Brittain
…..Cee Lo Green

[ open in Karen Antonelli’s office, as Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You” single plays ]

[ Karen turns off the music ]

Karen Antonelli: Whoo! Congratulations, gentlemen — we have a hit on our hands! We need to get this to radio immediately.

Larry: We will — but there is a small problem.

Keith: Yeah. The FCC said Cee Lo’s new song is profane and we can’t play it on the radio unless we change the lyrics.

Karen Antonelli: [ outraged ] What the FORGET are you talking about?!

Larry: Karen! Language!

Karen Antonelli: Sorry, Larry! But this is — I’m — I’m FORGETTIN’ furious! This is FORGETTING BULLSUGAR!!

Keith: Hey, Karen! [ laughing ] Relax!

Karen Antonelli: Shut the FORGET up, Keith!

Keith: Whoa! Whoa!

[ Rodney opens the door ]

Rodney: Miss Antonelli…?

Karen Antonelli: Rodney! Rodney! I’m in the middle of a FORGETTIN’ meeting here, okay?! Can you FORGETTIN’ knock?!

Rodney: Sorry…I forgot.

Karen Antonelli: Well, the next time you FORGETTING forget… I’ll cut off your DIXIE CUP and FORGET you in the ear with it! And then, you’ll always remember never to FORGETTING forget! Now, what was so FORGETTING important?!

Rodney: I just want to tell you that Cee Lo is here.

Karen Antonelli: [ she thumps her desk ] FORGET me in the SASQUATCH! Okay! Send him in!

[ Cee Lo enters ]

Cee Lo: What’s up, you Mother FORGETTERS!

[ Cee Lo takes a seat at the desk ]

Larry: How you doing, Cee Lo?

Cee Lo: I’m feelin’ good, my NINTENDO.

Keith: [ laughing ] Yeah! That’s my NINTENDO right there!

[ the room silences ]

Keith: Right. It’s not cool when I say that word.

Karen Antonelli: Cee Lo, we’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we love your track! The bad news is, the FCC needs you to change the lyrics.

Cee Lo: [ to the men ] Is she FORGETTIN’ kidding?

Karen Antonelli: I FORGETTIN’ wish I was!

Cee Lo: [ thinking ] You know what? Those people at the FCC can — can sue my black DIXIE CARTER!

Karen Antonelli: FORGET ’em, Cee Lo! They’re SUGARHEADS and SASQUATCH-HOLES! The FCC lady I talked to over there… was a world-class COUNTRY STRONG!

Larry: Karen!!

Karen Antonelli: I’m sorry! Still, you know what? I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with a replacement that works!

Keith: [ thinking ] Fudge?

Larry: Flock?

Karen Antonelli: Back?

Cee Lo: [ thinking ] Pussy!

Larry: Ah! No! You can’t say that!

Cee Lo: Well, you can say it if you mean “cat”.

Keith: Is that what you meant?

Cee Lo: [ chuckling ] No!

Karen Antonelli: Okay, I’ve had it! [ she picks up the phone ] Can I please have the FCC? [ to the men ] It’s time someone stands up to them.

Keith: Go, Karen.

Larry: We’re getting angry.

Karen Antonelli: [ into the phone ] Hello, Julius? This is Karen Antonelli, and I want to talk to you about a little something called “Free Speech”. Because I work with an artist who wrote a piece of art. And he is going to perform it the way it is meant to be performed! And YOU can’t stop him! [ she waits ] Uh-huh… Yeah… Right… Sure… Sure… Great! Thank you! [ she hangs up ]

Larry: What’d they say?

Karen Antonelli: They’re going to let him say “FORGET” on national television!

Larry & Keith: YES!!

Karen Antonelli: Ladies and gentlemen — Cee Lo Green!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


January 15th, 2011

Gwyneth Paltrow

Cee-Lo Green

None

Pee Wee Herman

Anderson Cooper

None

Fox News: Embracing CivilitySummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) and fellow Republican pundits make a slight effort to put aside heated rhetoric while discussing politic viewpoints that differ from their own, until they’re baited by James Carville (Bill Hader) and Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott).

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Glenn Beck, James Carville, Rachel Maddow.

Montage

Gwyneth Paltrow’s MonologueSummary: Fancying herself a country music enthusiast after starring in “Country Strong”, Gwyneth Paltrow makes a half-assed effort to join Kenny Rogers (Jason Sudeikis) for a duet of “Islands in the Stream”.

Recurring Characters: Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton.

NBCSummary: NBC’s latest round of midseason replacements are crime-dramas focused on obscure pieces of clothing.

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and Titsy Bismark Dublinson (Gwyneth Paltrow) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg meets Pee Wee Herman in a bar, goes a wild drinking spree, beats Anderson Cooper with a chair, and is then put to an intervention by their friends for being a bad influence on one another.

Transcript

Bar MitzvahSummary: Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) thanks people for attending his rockin’ Bar Mitzvah, which features Jewish-inspired performances from Taylor Swift (Gwyneth Paltrow), Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah), Alicia Keys (Nasim Pedrad), Katy Perry (Abby Elliott), and Cee Lo Green.

Recurring Characters: Katy Perry.

What the Forget!Summary: Cee Lo Green’s record manager (Gwyneth Paltrow) espouses near-obscenities in her quest to lift the FCC’s censoring of his profanely-titled hit single.

Transcript

Cee Lo Green performs “Forget You”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: During “Weekend Update’s Constitution Corner”, Seth Meyers swears the founding fathers would rethink the right to bear arms if they saw the guns of today. Rent Is Too Damn High spokesman Jimmy McMillan (Kenan Thompson) announces his candidacy for the 2012 Republican Party nomination. Vanessa Bayer catches up with Golden Globe nominees at the pre-show party. Garth (Fred Armisen) and Kat (Kristen Wiig) and their songwriter (Gwyneth Paltrow) perform a Christmas trio.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy McMillan, Cher, Garth, Kat.

False HistorySummary: At the Globe Theater in 1594, Shakespearean actors (Taran Killam, Gwyneth Paltrow) perform previews of upcoming plays for a disgruntled crowd.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Anne Hathaway episode earlier in the season.

Transcript

Fresh Prince Lost EpisodesSummary: Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) presents lost episodes of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” to celebrate the show’s 20th anniversary.

Recurring Characters: Will Smith.

Sportscenter DeportesSummary: Spanish sports anchors Ramon Zaragoza (Paul Brittain) and Sofia Cortez (Gwyneth Paltrow) use Americanized accents to recite American phrases.

Transcript

Cee Lo Green performs “Bright Lights Bigger City”

Parker/Spitzer AuditionsSummary: Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) auditions new co-hosts after the departure of Katherine Parker.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Christiane Amanpour, David Patersen.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Dr. Cecil ShowSummary: Because he’s wanted by the police, Dr. Cecil (Kenan Thompson) flees during the taping of his show and runs amok on the streets of New York.

Nashville MeetingSummary: While meeting with Jerry Reed (Jason Sudeikis) to have their record produced, musician (Jay Pharoah) reveals that he’s not really friends with his partner (Gwyneth Paltrow).

Jimmy JohnsonSummary: Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) simultaneously promotes Prudential insurance and Extenze male enhancement pills in one all-purpose commercial.

The MikesSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) tries to convince her friend (Gwyneth Paltrow) to hire three guys named Mike (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

A Taste of New York

Emcee…Bill Hader
Audience member 1…..Paul Brittain
Audience member 2…..Abby Elliott
Audience member 3…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience member 4…..Andy Samberg
Musician 1…..Fred Armisen
Musician 2…..Jim Carrey
Musician 3…..Kristen Wiig

Emcee: Welcome to the Cos-Potin lounge in a mid-town area. How many of you are here from out of town? All of you! Wow! What did you guys do today?

Audience Member 1: We went to the Statue of Liberty!

Audience Member 3: We had pizza!

Emcee: Hahahaha! Very nice! Well now we have a special treat for you, this group is from right here in the Big Apple. And they are very authentic, very true to the city. So please say hello to A Taste of New York! A Taste of New York.

Musician 1: Good evening. Ugh, we are A Taste of New York.

Musician 2: Just a taste.

Musician 1: And, ugh, we’re from an area called between avenue V and avenue C.

Musician 2: Is there anything you’d like to hear?

Audience members 3, 4: New York! New York!

Audience members 1, 2: On Broadway!

Musician 1: Okay, yeah we’re gonna get to those for sure. We’re gonna, ugh, start out with this first. 2,3,4. (sing) See my television set, get swiped by a junky. I guess it just got up, and walked away.

Musician 2: And Parco up stair’s, threw a chair through a window. The hustlers, like to drink up on the stool.

Musicians 1, 2, 3: So we have a question for you. Can we stay with you? O please?

Musician 1: (speak) Thank you. You guys all having fun in New York?

Audience Member 1: Could you play something a little bit more upbeat?

Musician 2: Absolutely. But we still have quite a few verses of this song. Listen.

Musician 1: (sing) All the junkies on my block, hang out in my stairwell. Some drag queens I know, hang out there, too.

Musician 2: I saw a family of rats, nesting in a baby crib. People on the subway, stare at my scabs.

Musician 3: Walking down the street, with my stockings all red, when I went to the drug store, they called the cops on me.

Musicians 1, 2, 3: So we have a question for you, Can we stay with you? O! Please!

Audience member 4: (speak) Play something else!

Musician 2: Okay, we will! We will! But first, Can we stay with you?

Audience member 4: What?

Audience Member 3: No!

Musician 1: Can we stay with you? Or you? We’ve had a very challenging week.

Audience Member 2: No thank you.

Audience Member 1: No!

Musicians 1, 2, 3: (sing) Can we stay with you? Can we stay with you? I said we have a question for you! Can we stay with you? O please?

Musician 2: (sing) We have also noticed that you need a room key to use the bathroom in the lobby.

Musician 1: (speak) So our next song is, ugh, also a question. It’s called “Can We Use Your Room Key?” We’re not gonna go in to your room

Musicians 1, 2, 3: (sing) So we have a question for you. Can we use your room key? To use your bathroom.

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Black Swan

Thomas…..Bill Hader
Nina…..Nasim Pedrad
Dancer…..Kristen Wiig
Lily…..Jim Carrey
David…..Taran Killam

(opens with NINA as the Swan)

Thomas: Very good, Nina. Your White Swan is flawless. But my problem is I’m not just casting the White Swan. I’m also casting the Black Swan. One down South, two rows. Your White Swan, again, is perfect. Your Black Swan is very disappointing.

Nina: Ugh!!! I see.

Thomas: White Swan thumbs up. Black Swan not so much.

Nina: I got it.

Thomas: White Swan sure. Black Swan ew.

Nina: Thomas! (pronounced Ta-ma) Please.

Thomas: Besides, someone’s Black Swan is far superior.

Nina: Who?! Her?!

(Dancer looks with a crazy look)

Thomas: No! Not her! Her!!!!!!!

Lily: Sorry I’m late, I had to go numbers three and four.

Thomas: Its ok, Lily. Warm up.

Lily: O! I’m already warm. I’m all swampy in my pants.

Thomas: She’s already warm! Isn’t she great? She’s so comfortable with her body. She even has two swan wings tattooed on her back.

Nina: I think those are like buffalo wings!

Thomas: Lily! Black Swan, now!

Lily: Get ready to rock, bitches!

Nina: But, Thomas! That’s my role!

Thomas: Nina! I want you to watch her! I want you to learn from! Watch the way she moves, Nina! She’s so persisted but beautiful! Watch, as she becomes the Black Swan! Yes! Yes! She is hungry! Hungry for bread crumbs! Watch as she seduces me! She wants to poses me to control me! She feels nothing! It’s passion! Mysterious! Dangerous!

Lily: Hoi! Hoi!

Thomas: Yes! That’s good enough! That dance could seduce me. But no one enjoys seduction more than me the words only straight from a French choreographer.

Nina: But Thomas! I can do it –

Thomas: David! David! Let me ask you something! Would you have sex with this woman? What about her, would you have sex with her?

David: Yes! Absolutely I would! Yes!

Thomas: You see, Nina? Must have been un-clear! White Swan is good! Black Swan is bad!

Nina: Yeah, I got it!

Thomas: Because if you don’t I have prepared chart. Let me see this chart I made. You can take it home if you want –-

Nina: I’m not gonna do that!

Thomas: You see, Nina, you are the White Swan, you’re innocent, naïve. You must become like the Black Swan. She’s compulsive, she goes to clubs, she does ecstasy.

Nina: I can do this role, Thomas! I know I can!

Thomas: Then there’s only one way to decide this. Both of you must dance. Whoever can seduce me will be the Swan Queen!

Thomas: She’s brilliant, see Nina, she stuck her gum in my ear! I’ve made my decision. The Swan Queen will be Nina. Because I see something in her.

Lily: Ehhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thomas: Lily! Lily! Because Lily, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.

Lily: Fine. I’m out of here. But just remember. Once you go Black Swan, you never go back… swan.

(Closes with LILY as the Swan)

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts