Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Scared Straight

Officer Sikorsky…..Jason Sudeikis
Lorenzo MacIntosh…..Kenan Thompson
Loretta MacIntosh…..Betty White
Teen 1….Bill Hader
Teen 2….Andy Samberg
Teen 3….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of a police station. Cut to an interrogation room. An officer is sitting casually on his desk in front of the three seated teens)

Officer Sikorsky: All right, goofballs. I bet you think bullying your classmates is totally radical, huh? Well it’s not!

Teens: (looking disattached) Whatever.

Officer Sikorsky: Yeah, simultaneous “whatever,” Okay, alright, look. Somehow you still don’t get it, do ya, huh? So I invited two representatives from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you animals. Macintosh! Grand Mammie Macitosh! You wanna get In here?

(Lorenzo MacIntosh, a tough con wearing a brown prison uniform, a doo rag, and a weightlifting belt, enters with his grandmother, Loretta, another tough convict in a brown uniform and a shock of white hair.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Alright, here it comes! You alright, grammie? Alright now. My name is Lorenzo Macintosh.

Loretta MacIntosh: And I’m his grandmother Loretta Macintosh.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: But you can call us yo’ wedding day. Cause you gon’ get something old, something new… (puts up fists)

Loretta MacIntosh: Something black and something blue! (throws a punch)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now what they in here for?

Teen 1: We beat up a kid cause he’s poor…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Shut yo’, shut yo’ damn mouth! (Pulls teen’s sweatshirt over his head) What you think we’ve never been poor? When I was young, my family was so poor that all four of my grandparents had to sleep head to toe on the same bed.

Loretta MacIntosh: I remember that!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Then one day, I was eatin’ a bar of chocolate and I found a ticket inside of it. I believe it was silver or bronze or something like that.

Teens: It was golden…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: That’s what I said! It was a golden ticket. Pretty soon me and four other kids are touring a funky candy factory and some little orange dudes are teaching us lessons via song! Is that what you want? Hmm? Hmm?? You almost die from fizzy lifting drink and Slugworth wants your everlasting gobstopper? Cause this here is real!

Teen 1: Okay, so yeah, that’s just Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo…

Loretta MacIntosh: Oh no…

Officer Sikorsky: (shaking his head) No way, no way…

(Teen 1, expecting this, takes off his shoe and Lorenzo slams it onto the ground.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo! Boy you better close yo’ damn mouth! Oh you be wonkin’ some willies alright and they gon’ be touring yo’ chocolate factory and giving you an everlasting buttstopper!

Teen 1: (disgusted) Noooooh!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Man they gon’ ride you like a wonka-vator. Sideways, slantways, three ways and ten ways!

Loretta MacIntosh: And the tiny people won’t be orange. They’ll be freaky Hispanic and Chinese dudes.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yea, they gon’ dance around you in the communal shower and sing (begins singing)
“Prison, prison, doo pah dee doo”
“A gang of Jamaicans is comin’ for you!”

Loretta MacIntosh: They’ll take ya to the boiler room and lay you down flat!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: “What does your rear end think…of…dat?”
“It doesn’t like the looks of it!”

Officer Sikorsky: Hey Macintosh! C’mon man, you can’t do that to a children’s song.

(The MacIntoshes return back to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh. That’s on me chief. Here’s the ocean and I crossed it. Now all the natives got small pox. Heh heh heh heh.

Officer Sikorsky: (trying to control laughter) Alright, okay.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now which one of y’all is the ring leader?

(Teens point to teen 2.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Get up here. (pulls Teen 2 in front of Loretta)

Loretta MacIntosh: Ah, soo you think you’re the bees’ knees? You hippie!

Teen 2: Yeah, so what? I’m fed up with this one horse town.

Loretta MacIntosh: Now hush up! You’ve never think of I’ve never felt stuck in a small town?

Teen 2: Uh huh.

Loretta MacIntosh: Well, I recall my childhood in rural Kansas. (fantasy background music begins) I was bored to tears! ‘Til all of a sudden, a twister hit. It carried me to a magical land full of witches and wizards. Is that what you want? Is it?! You’re following a lion, a tin man and a scarecrow down a yellow brick road…because this here. This right here. This is real.

Teen 3: Ok. (gets up, as background music ends) That’s Wizard of Oz!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Heeeeeeeeyyyy!!!! (Shoves teens 2 and 3 back into their seats and starts punching at them. The teens struggle to keep down the laughs) No! It’s not! Ain’t no wizard of oz! (starts gnawing on Teen 3’s jacket) No! You do not interrupt one of grammie’s stories.

Loretta MacIntosh: (Begins roughing up Teen 3, who can’t help laughing)You keep that up, and you’ll be playing twister on the floor of the prison bathroom! (A sneaker is thrown at them from offstage, Loretta throws it back.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, thats right! And it won’t be no lion, a tin man and a scarecrow. It’ll be you, lying down, while ten men make you a scared ho!

Loretta MacIntosh: And don’t behind the shower curtain, you’ll meet the wonderful wizard of ass!

Officer Sikorsky: Woah! Hey! Macintoshes! C’mon! Good Lord.

(The MacIntoshes return to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)

Officer Sikorsky: You kiss your grandmother with that mouth?

Loretta MacIntosh: Yes he does.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Aww. (Kisses his grandmother affectionately on the forehead and she pats his on the chest)

Loretta MacIntosh: I love you.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: I love you grammie. Alright, we out!

Officer Sikorsky: Uh huh. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. (finds the sneaker on his desk and throws it back.) Good work.

Loretta MacIntosh: Wizard! Of! Ass!

Officer Sikorsky: Hey! Hey! Where you going?

(He follows her out. End of sketch.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

The Manuel Ortiz Show

Manuel Ortiz….Fred Armisen
Renata Montoyez….Maya Rudolph
Renata’s sister….Ana Gasteyer
Merlin….Bill Hader
Nelson Carreras….Will Forte
Sr. Carreras….Bobby Moynihan
Sra. Carreras….Betty White
Julisa….Kristen Wiig

[TV Dominicana logo]

Announcer: You’re watching Telecentro TV Dominicana. At 6:00 Fireworks. Followed by 10:00 JAG. But first The Manuel Ortiz Show.

[The Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

Manuel Ortiz: Hola. Welcome to the show. I am Manuel Ortiz. I am here to listen and help you work with your problem. And if I cannot, I’m very,very sorry. My first guest today has lost all contact with her sister. Please welcome, Renata Montoyez.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel and Renata dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Welcome Renata Montoyez.

Renata Montoyez: Oh, muchas gracias Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: So, what has happened between you and your sister?

Renata Montoyez: [emotional] Oh, this is so hard for me.

Manuel Ortiz: Try.

Renata Montoyez: Ok. My sister, she sleeps with my husband. They say they just esleep but I am not there to make sure.

Manuel Ortiz: Well, guess who’s here? Your sister.

Renata Montoyez: No!

Manuel Ortiz: Yes!

Renata Montoyez: No!

Manuel Ortiz: Let’s bring her out!

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Renata and Renata’s sister dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whip head to the side]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Renata’s Sister: Buenos dias Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: Your sister is very upset with you.

Renata Montoyez: You sleep with my husband!

Renata’s Sister: So? We’re amigos with benefits.

Manuel Ortiz: I have a surprise for both of you. Let’s bring him out!

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister and Merlin dance the merengue. A couple of steps and whip the head to the side.]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Renata Montoyez: Merlin, why are you here?!

Manuel Ortiz: Merlin has something to say. He wanted to wait to tell you together in front of a studio audience.

Merlin: Yes. Both of you. Hold my hands. [Renata and her sister hold hands with Merlin] I think….I am gay.

Renata Montoyez: You did this to him!

Renata’s Sister: No! I did nothing to him. This is what has happened.

Manuel Ortiz: So, I have someone here who wants to see Merlin. Please welcome, Nelson Carreras.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin and Nelson dance the merengue. Merlin checks Nelson’s ass while dancing. A couple of steps, whip head to the side]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Nelson Carreras: Oh, a snap on everyone’s faces but Merlin’s.

Merlin: Te amo Nelson.

Nelson Carreras: Te amo Merlin.

Manuel Ortiz: Nelson, did Julisa the make-up girl, prepared you?

Nelson Carreras: No. Do I have a shine?

Manuel Ortiz: Yes, a terrible one.

Nelson Carreras: Ah!

Manuel Ortiz: Julisa, we need powder!

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin and Nelson dance the merengue. Julisa dances and powders Nelson’s face. A couple of steps, whip head to the side. Julisa jumps out of camera range]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Now Nelson, there is something very special that you wanted to do today.

Nelson Carreras: Yes. My parents don’t know I’m gay.

Manuel Ortiz: Then let’s bring them out. Sr y Sra. Carreras!

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin, Nelson and Sr. and Sra.Carreras dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whip head to the side.]

[Music stops. They sit down, all except Sr. Carreras]

Sr. Carreras: Ay, yi, yay! There is no room for both me and my wife in this sofa.

Manuel Ortiz: I’m sorry but I need for one of you to volunteer to leave.

Renata’s Sister: I will. I am too don’t want to do this anyway.

[Renata’s sister gets up, merengue music plays for a little bit and leaves her in mid-dance. She pauses awkwardly, walks out]

Manuel Ortiz: Your son has something to tell you.

Nelson Carreras: Guess what’s ne-e-e-ew?

Sra. Carreras: You found a new girlfriend?

Nelson Carreras: No.

Sr. Carreras: You found a new place to buy juice?

Nelson Carreras: No. I am a gay top! Can you deal with this?

Sra. Carreras: Ay, yi, yay. That explains why he doesn’t like tacos!

Manuel Ortiz: I am being told from the control room that I need to take a break. When we return we have a special surprise. Sr and Sra. Carreras gardener!

Sr. Carreras: Ay, no!

Manuel Ortiz: Si!

Sr. Carreras: Ayyyy!

[Merengue music plays. They keep dancing the merengue]

[The Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Betty White’s Monologue

…..Betty White

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Betty White!

Betty White: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I don’t believe this! I just can’t believe that I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Um, I’m not sure — you — many of you know that I’m 88 and a half years old, so it’s — well, it’s great to be here for a number of reasons!

You know, I’m not new to live TV — in 1952, I starred in my first live sitcom, which was “Life with Elizabeth”. And, of course, back then we didn’t want to do it live. We just didn’t know how to tape things. So I don’t know what this show’s excuse is.

You know, I have so many people to thank for being here, but I really have to thank Facebook. [ the audience cheers wildly ] When I first heard about the campaign to get me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I didn’t know what Facebook was. And, now that I do know what it is, I have to say… it sounds like a HUGE waste of time. [ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ] I would never say that people on it are losers… but that’s only because I’m polite.

People say, “But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.” Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends… I need a Ouji board. Needless to say, we didn’t have Facebook when I was growing up. We had Phonebook, but… you wouldn’t waste an afternoon on it. Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment. And, when we were kids, we didn’t say we were single. We were just kids! It was weird if you weren’t single! Yes, we had poking… but… it wasn’t something you did on a computer. It was — it was something you did on a hayride. Under a blanket. [ she strikes a nostalgic, faraway glance, then returns to Earth ] Oh! Sorry.

Things were a lot different when I was growing up. My father, Horace, was a traveling salesman, who moved our family to California during the Great Depression. I mean, that’s the kind of stuff you only read about in novels. And, to think, I’ve lived through a World War, worked on radio and films, on “Mary Tyler Moore”, and “The Golden Girls”… [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] And now I’m here tonight because you wanted me to be here. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I just want to say I feel so loved. Thank you. If I could, I would take you ALL on a big hayride. [ she gazes into the audience ] Starting with you, sir. No, not you. [ she cocks her head ] You.

[ she clears her throat ]

Guess what? Jay-Z is here! [ the audience cheers ] And if I had a dime for every time I’ve said that, I’d have one dime — which wasn’t anything to shake a stick at in my day! We have a great show for you tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He’s still working with his Grandma, but it’s gotten really teense!
MacGruber!
They haven’t really spoken for a couple of weeks now!
MacGruber!
He never had a breast reduction!”

[CUT to MacGruber’s Before-After breast reduction ad with a line through it.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a bobbytrapped bridge. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Boobytrapped Bridge.” CUT to a sign marked “Bridge Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [lightly struggling with locked door] Vicky, the door’s locked. How many seconds before MacGruber fails to diffuse the bomb?

MacGruber: [ aggravated ] Okay, this has gone on far enough! Look, seeing as it’s Mother’s Day… I think it’s time to end our little feud. Nana… [ romantically ] You are so special to me. You’re my rock. You wonder why I’m in my early 40’s and still haven’t settled down? Well, first of all, I went through a little gay phase — it was very short, but… that ate up some time. But, after that, I just couldn’t find the right person. I mean, I’ve been searching my whole life for a woman who’s as amazing as you. But there’s nobody out there who even comes close. You set the bar too darn high. I love you SO much!

Nana: [ touched ] I love you, too, Poop-casso.

MacGruber: Happy Mother’s Day. You mean the world to me. And it’s just a sham that in our society, you can’t marry your own grandma!

[ everyone chuckles, as MacGruber’s facial expression turns grimly serious ]

MacGruber: Or can you? [ he drops to one knee ] Nana… make me the happiest grandson on the face of the Earth. Will you marry me?

Nana: Are you out of your fucking mind?! [ a beat ] Yes!

[ they lean in for a close-up kiss ]

[CUT to the bridge exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Working with his Grandma’s put a strain on their relationship!
MacGruber!
She’s telling lots of stories that are really embarrassing!
MacGruber!
He’s losing all his street cred!”

[CUT to MacGruber being made fun of by another couple as he strikes a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a clandestine guerilla airport. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Clandestine Guerilla Airport.” CUT to a sign marked “Airport Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is magnet-locked!

Vicky: And from the looks of that mini-hydrogen bomb, we’ve got about 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, gang — we will get out of here. And we’ll do it together. Right, Nana?

[ Nana grins ]

Vicky: Fifteen seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Uh — Vicky — please! Hand me that paper clip — thank you!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

Nana: MacGruber? Do you still have scars from when you had your breast reduction surgery?

MacGruber: Uh… no, Nana, I don’t. Because I never had one!

Nana: Ohh, he’s embarrassed!

MacGruber: [ clenching his teeth ] We have gone over this before! This is not story time, we are trying to diffuse a freaking bomb here! So just stay over there, and keep your mouth shut!

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Uh — uh — Vicky! Please hand me that cord! Thank you!

Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Nana!

[ Nana appears to be dead ]

Vicky: Oh, my God!

MacGruber: [ shaking his head ] She’s just playing dead. She does this all the time for attention. Good job, Nana! Real mature! 88 years old! Really freakin’ mature! Everynoe knows you’re still alive!

[ no reaction ]

MacGruber: Check her pulse, just in case.

[ Vicky leans forward, afraid ]

[ Nana opens one eye for a quick second ]

MacGruber: [ pointing ] I SAW THAT!! HA HA! I WIN!!

[CUT to the airport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
He’s working with his Grandma now!”

[CUT to MacGruber and scooterbound Nana in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a hijacked insane asylum. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Insane Asylum.” CUT to a sign marked “Asylum Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!

Vicky: And from the looks of that time bomb, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang. The only bombs we’re gonna have to watch out for are the SAKI bombs that we’re gonna drink when we get out of here. And we will get out of here.

Vicky: Fifteen seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Uh — Vicky — hand me that bottle cap!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Nana!

Nana: MacGruber, what do we say when someone does something nice for us?

MacGruber: Right, right, uh — Thank you, Vicky, for the bottle cap.

Vicky: You’re welcome, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Nana! Scooter me over that gum wrapper!

Nana: MacGruber-r-r-r?

MacGruber: Uh — uh — Please! Please!

[ Nana scooters forward ]

MacGruber: Okay, uh — Vicky! Please, that eraser thingy!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber! You’re welcome!

MacGruber: Okay, let’s see what we got here…

Nana: [ reminiscing ] You know, he used to fingerpaint on the walls with his little poopies.

MacGruber: Nana, now is not the time!

Nana: We called him “Poop-casso”!

MacGruber: She didn’t say that.

Nana: He breastfed until he was twelve years old.

MacGruber: Okay! Can we focus, please?!

Nana: He had his first kiss when he was sixteen! How is Barry, by the way?

MacGruber: Nana, I’m asking you very nicely! Please, thank you, stop!

Nana: You know, when he was born, they thought he was a girl for two whole months because they couldn’t find his wee-wee!

MacGruber: Nana!

Nana: It’s called “micro-penis.”

MacGruber: SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU OLD LADY!! WITH YOUR WHITE HAIR AND YOUR… WALKING PROBLEM!!

Vicky: MacGruber!

MacGruber: I’m sorry, Nana… [ Nana is shocked ] I’m under a lot of stress here! I mean, I gotta diffuse this bomb —

[CUT to the insane asylum exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Goodnights

…..Betty White

Betty White: Thanks! Thanks to Jay-Z… thanks to Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Ana Gasteyer, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Molly Shannon, and all these WONDERFUL people on this show who have been so dear to a very scared, but happy, host.

Everyone: Yaaaayyyyy!!!

[ Kenan Thompson and Kristen Wiig lean in from either side to present Betty with bouquets of white roses ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Debbie Downer

Rachel Dratch…..Debbie Downer
Grandma Downer…..Betty White
Nelva…..Maya Rudolph
Linda…..Molly Shannon
Hostess…..Kristen Wiig
Wife #1…..Tina Fey
Wife #2…..Amy Poehler
Wife #3…..Ana Gasteyer

FADE IN:

[ EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT ]

[ INT. HOUSE – NIGHT ]

[ Several suburban housewives are gathered around, seated in the living room. The HOSTESS, dressed in a sleek, black dress, stands next to a basket of sexy lingerie. ]

Hostess: Okay neighbors, I hope you’re ready for my “Naughty Nightie Party”!

[ The ladies scream in delight. ]

Hostess: We have a lot of hot lingerie to look at and a lot of cold Pinot Grigio to knock back. So let’s get this party started!

Nelva: I want to buy something skimpy!

Linda: Go Nelva!

Wife #1: Ladies night! Yes!

Wife #2: This is a hoot!

Hostess: So first up – we have this lacy nightie called “Midnight Rhapsody”…

[ DEBBIE DOWNER comes in the front door. ]

Debbie Downer: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I heard you were having a lingerie party. Warning — I probably won’t be purchasing any bras due to my vastly different cup sizes.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

[ DISSOLVE to JINGLE MONTAGE ]

Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ Zoom on Debbie’s depressed face. ]

[ DISSOLVE to LIVING ROOM ]

[ Debbie takes a seat on the couch. ]

Hostess: And this little number is called “The Teddy Bare.” B-A-R-E.

Wife #3: Oh, I get it.

[ Everyone but Debbie chuckles. ]

Wife #1: Ladies night! Whoo!

[ The hostess holds up another low-cut designed lingerie piece. ]

Hostess: And this one is so sexy, your man won’t get a wink of sleep.

[ All but Debbie cheer. ]

Debbie Downer: I know what that’s like.

Wife #2: What what’s like?

Debbie Downer: Well, I have severe sleep apnea. Doctors are baffled. Sometimes I wake up upwards of 300 times a night.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Linda: How did she find out about this party?

Wife #3: Nelva told her.

Linda: Good going, Nelva.

Nelva: We go to the same leg vein clinic.

[ The hostess holds out tiny pink panties. ]

Hostess: You guys are going to love these…

[ Except Debbie, everyone else coos. ]

Hostess: There called “Angel Briefs” and they’re designed Suzanne Somers.

[ Nelva grabs them. ]

Nelva: Do these panties come in bright yellow?

[ Nelva twirls the panties on her right index finger. Linda grabs them. ]

Linda: I’m going to put them on tonight.

Nelva: Oh la la.

Debbie Downer: Make sure to pre-wash all underwear, Linda. Recent swab studies found you’re toying with crab lice and strug-resistant staph.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Nelva: Could we please get back to the sexy stuff!?

[ The ladies cheer. Wife #1 caresses a bottle of massage oil near her face. ]

Wife #1: Are these massage oils? Nice!

Wife #3: I just want Jim to give me a massage, but his massages just tickle.

Hostess: It’s flavored massage oil and it’s $15.99. Called “Harvest Peach”.

Linda: Yum! I’d love it if my Tom would cover me in oil.

Debbie Downer: You know who doesn’t loved being covered in oil? Sea birds. You guys heard about the oil spill, right?

Wife #2: Yeah… we heard about the oil spill.

Debbie Downer: Yep. I guess BP will stand for “Blight of the Pelican”.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with the sound of a squawking bird. ]

[ Debbie grabs a glass of wine. ]

Debbie Downer: Hmmm. I can taste the sulphites in this wine.

[ Debbie takes a sip. ]

Wife #2: Good God!

Hostess: Okay, I have some—

Debbie Downer: Do you know Mandy from two blocks over?

[ The ladies agree in unison. ]

Linda: Is she going to come over?

Debbie Downer: She died.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Wife #2: What in the hot hell is wrong with you? We are just a bunch of suburban ladies trying to booze it up for one night without our families and you have to kill every freakin’ buzz we find! You like this!? I’m asking!! Seriously!?

[ Debbie begins to daydream. ]

[ DISSOLVE to Debbie at age 10. ]

[ INT. DOWNER HOUSE – DAY ]

[ Debbie sits in front of a birthday cake lit with ten candles. She blows them all out. ]

Debbie Downer: I have so many good wishes and I hope they all come true!!

[ Debbie swipes her finger in the cake and licks the frosting off in one setting. ]

Debbie Downer: I love cake! It’s like your mouth’s a carnival!! Thanks Grandma!

[ The camera pans out to show GRANDMA DOWNER in a drab brown top and pants, sitting sullen at the other side of the birthday cake. ]

Grandma Downer: Enjoy it now, kiddo. Gluten allergies are rampant in our family. You’re going to have to restrict.

[ Camera closes in on Grandma’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

[ DISSOLVE to LIVING ROOM ]

Debbie Downer: So the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. We should start trying things on… uh… heads up, my bikini line is in shambles.

[ Besides Debbie, the others get up and exit. ]

Debbie Downer: Guess I’ll rummage through this inventory and see if there’s a medical bra. Hope there’s one in gray beige.

[ The bras float up and start to flee. ]

Debbie Downer: Hey! Where are you guys going?

Jingle (V/O): “You can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ Rachel stares at the camera and begins to laugh hard. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Florence Dusty…..Betty White

[ open on exterior, NPR bulding, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, studio ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Together: And you’re listening to… The Delicious Dish. On National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Teri. Tomorrow is the first Sunday in May. And it’s one of our favorite holidays, on Delicious Dish.

Teri Rialto: That’s right, Margaret Jo. Every year, for one day, we celebrate and say thank you to…

Together: Dietary fiber!

Teri Rialto: As you all know, Sunday is National Dietary Fiber Day, and we’ve celebrated that together for years.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. And, even though we’ve been friends for a long time, you could say our shared love of fiber keeps our relationship “bran” new!

Teri Rialto: [ smiling ] That’s funny!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

Teri Rialto: You took the “d” off “brand” and made it “bran”.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Bingo!

Teri Rialto: Did you just come up with that joke?

Margaret Jo McCullen: No. I got the idea the day after last day’s — [ she clears her throat ] last year’s dietary fiber show, so I had to wait ’til now. So, Teri… what’s your favorite kind of fiber?

Teri Rialto: I like Quinoa.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Whoa!

Teri Rialto: I threw you, didn’t I? You thought I was gonna say barley.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. That was a real game changer.

Teri Rialto: [ smiling ] More like, grain changer!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good one. You’re lucky you thought of that joke today.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Happy Fiber Day.

Teri Rialto: You, too.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

[ they both smile before continuing ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Our guest today is a little bit of a rock star in the confectionary world.

Teri Rialto: No kidding. She can shake it, break it, and sprinkle it, child.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Please welcome Florence Dusty, from Dusty’s Old-Time Bakery.

Teri Rialto: Hi, Florence!

[ Florence Dusty slides over ]

Florence Dusty: Thank you for having me!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Florence, what delicious treat are you gonig to share with us today?

Florence Dusty: Well… a lot of people like my pumpkin pie, and, of course, my carrot cake is obviously legendary! But, if there’s one thing I’m known for… it’s my muffin.

[ she slides a tray of muffings over ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh! Wow! Get a whiff of that!

Florence Dusty: Pretty intense, right?

Teri Rialto: Mmm… I can’t wait to taste your muffin. [ eating ] Mmm… wow! Warm! Yummy!

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s surprisingly salty. I mean that in a very good way.

Teri Rialto: Your muffin is remarkably velvety.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s true. I think we both assumed — and I think, wrongfully — that a baker of your generation might tend towards a more… drier, crusty muffin.

Florence Dusty: Well, that’s true, that many bakers from my era have dry or, even, yeasty muffins.

Margaret Jo McCullen: A yeasty muffin can really ruin your whole day.

Teri Rialto: Sometimes, your week.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, the phone lines are really lighting up.

Teri Rialto: We can get to those later.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Florence, there’s a tangy taste in this muffin. Is that a cherry?

Florence Dusty: No. My muffin hasn’t had a cherry since 1939.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Your muffin sure has seen a lot.

[ they continue eating ]

Teri Rialto: Mmm… your muffin just squirted in my mouth!

Florence Dusty: It happens.

Teri Rialto: I guess I’m eating it the right way.

Florence Dusty: Yeah! Go to town!

Margaret Jo McCullen: You know, I don’t talk about it a lot, but… I went through a pretty major muffin phase in college.

Florence Dusty: I would have guessed that, based on your appearance.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s the haircut.

Teri Rialto: You know… you’re unveiling your new muffin today. Are you nervous about how it will be received?

Florence Dusty: Well, you know, girls, when I was younger, I was so concerned about how my muffin looked. But, as I got older, I started to think: “To heck with it! This is MY muffin, and I don’t care HOW it looks! I’m just gonna let it all hang out.”

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s really progressive.

Teri Rialto: You go, girl!

Florence Dusty: That’s right, child! I’m Florence Dusty! I’m 88 and a half years old, and I’m proud to unveil my Giant Dusty Muffin!

[ she slides over a tray with one giant muffin on it ]

Teri Rialto: Ooh!

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s gorgeous. Look at that.

Florence Dusty: Well, ladies, as I used to say to my loving husband, Irving, of 55 years: “What are you waiting for, stupid? Eat it!”

[ they dig in ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: God bless. Good times!

Teri Rialto: God bless you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thank you so much, Florence, and, to our listeners: Don’t worry, we’ll be sure to post some sweet muffin shots online later.

Florence Dusty: Good times!

Teri Rialto: That’s all for Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when we’ll be talking about…

Together: Pork Buns!

[ shaking her head ] Not a fan.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

CSI: Sarasota

Vivian Caruso….Betty White
Sy Horowitz….Rachel Dratch
Nurse….Nasim Pedrad
Jeffrey….Bill Hader
Dead old man….Will Forte

[CBS logo]

Announcer: Coming soon to CBS.

[Opens on a retirement home for the elderly, an old man is dead with his face on the table. A nurse consoles the old man’s friend]

Jeffrey: How did this happen?

Nurse: Don’t be sad Jeffrey. It was just his time.

Sy Horowitz: Not so fast! Was it just his time?

Vivian Caruso: [puts on sunglasses] Or the perfect crime?

The Who: YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[scenes of Miami, a golf cart with old dudes driving]

Announcer: You love the other CSI’s. [CSI NY, CSI SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT, CSI MIAMI WEEKENDS] But what happens when people retire and crime doesn’t? CSI SARASOTA

[CSI SARASOTA logo]

Announcer: Starring Sy Horowitz. [Sy eats pasta salad] and David Caruso’s great aunt Vivian Caruso.

Vivian Caruso: I’m not too old for this shit.

[back to elderly home]

Sy Horowitz: This is a real pro job. They made it look like he died of natural causes.

Nurse: No, he did.

Vivian Caruso: Oh, really? Since when does a 103 year old man simply drop dead?

[Jeffrey drops dead]

Nurse: Jeffrey!

Vivian Caruso: Looks like he’s fallen [puts on sunglasses] and he’ll never get up.

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

[CSI logo]

[Vivian poses, arms crossed, sunglasses]

Announcer: She’s got a gun, a badge and a fanny pack full of “Sweet and Low’s” she stole from a Denny’s.

Sy Horowitz: These victims were over 95. See a pattern here?

Nurse: Yeah, they were both old.

Vivian Caruso: And who’s trying to murder old people?

Sy Horowitz: Immigrants!

Vivian Caruso: Si senor!

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[CSI logo]

[Vivian and Sy back to back]

Announcer: They’re asking the hard questions and giving out harder candy.

Vivian Caruso: Where were you at 3:15?

Sy Horowitz: And where’s the thermostat?

Vivian Caruso: And why don’t people dress up when they fly airplanes anymore?

Nurse: OK. You two need to take your medicine.

Sy Horowitz: Watch it, sweetie. Your mouth is writing checks your tush can’t cash!

Vivian Caruso: And eat something! What’s the matter? [puts on sunglasses] You don’t want to have a husband?

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

[Vivian blows on the barrel of her gun]

Announcer: They got a license to kill. And a license to drive before sundown.

Sy Horowitz: You think we’ll ever catch this guy?

Vivian Caruso: It’s like my underwear. [puts on sunglasses] Depends.

The Who: YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Announcer: On CSI Sarasota. This is your grandmother’s cop show. On CBS, the old people’s network.

[CBS logo]

Vivian Caruso: Speak up or shut up!

[CSI logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts