Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

2010 Census Taker

Census Taker…..Tina Fey
Lee Smith….. Betty White
Fluffy…..Kenan Thompson

[Outside of Apartment]

[Census Taker knocks on the door, and Lee Smith opens the door.]

Census Taker: Hello ma’am, I’m a census taker with the U.S. Census Bureau.

Lee Smith: Oh terrific. Good for you, bye. [Starts to shut door]

Census Taker: [Re-open door] Hang on, um… you never returned your 2010 Census form, so if I could just ask you a few questions.

Lee Smith: Absolutely dear. Will I need a calculator?

Census Taker: No ma’am.

Lee Smith: ‘Cause I have one, but I took the batteries out to use them in a crotch massager.

Census Taker: No. You will not need a calculator. Uh… first question. How many people live at this residence?

Lee Smith: Zero.

Census Taker: You don’t live here?

Lee Smith: Oh, including me? Three.

Census Taker: Ok, well I’m gonna put you down as the primary resident.

Lee Smith: Terrific.

Census Taker: Now, how would you describe your race or ethic origin?

Lee Smith: Well, superior to Asians, but not as intelligent as Blacks.

Census Taker: Whoops! Let me clarify. Which of the following describes you? White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander…

Lee Smith: Oh, Pacific Islander, let’s try that… and don’t skimp on the rum.

Census Taker: Uh… what is your last name, ma’am?

Lee Smith: BLAAAFENGAR!

Census Taker: Can you spell that for me?

Lee Smith: S-M-I-T-H.

Census Taker: And that’s pronounced…

Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!

Census Taker: Not Smith?

Lee Smith: They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.

Census Taker: Okay. And your first name?

Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!

Census Taker: And that’s spelt?

Lee Smith: L-E-E.

Census Taker: So your name is Blaarfengar Blaarfengar spelt Lee Smith?

Lee Smith: Well back in school, they had to call me Blaarfengar B. because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.

Census Taker: Ok… sure. Uh… are there any people living in this residence part-time?

Lee Smith: Oh… goodness yes. There’s Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, Socks…

Census Taker: Oh… and these are people we’re talking about here and not cats, right.

Lee Smith: There’s really no war of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think that’s definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.

Census Taker: Honestly Ms. Blaarfengar, the government is just trying to ascertain…

Lee Smith: Oh, Ascertain. That used to be my stripper name, but they recently changed it to BLAAARFENGAR.

Census Taker: Ok, you know what… we’re done.

Lee Smith: Oh good. You have a good day, sir.

[Broken glass]

Lee Smith: Fluffy, get down from there.

[Enter Fluffy]

Fluffy: Oh, I was chasing a mouse.

[Hugging]

[Applause]

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10 ]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 210


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

May 8th, 2010

Betty White

Jay-Z

None

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Ana Gastayer

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Molly Shannon

Bridget Kelly

Mr. Hudson

None


Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) pays tribute to mothers with help from baby-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese.

Montage

Betty White’s MonologueSummary: Betty White pokes fun of the Facebook campaign that landed her as host after 35 years, and jokes about what they did for fun in the old days.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: Embarrassing childhood stories by Nana (Betty White) inteferes with MacGruber’s (Will Forte) attempt to diffuse a bomb.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) chat muffins with Forence Dusty (Betty White).

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) walks his endless line of guests through their problems with endless Spanish dancing.

Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: Nana (Betty White) playing dead inteferes with MacGruber’s (Will Forte) attempt to diffuse a bomb.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

GingeySummary: In 1904, everyone in her family suggests that Gingey (Amy Poehler) is a lesbian.

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) apologizes to Nana (Betty White) for his outbursts and stops trying to diffuse the bomb so he can propose marriage.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Jay-Z performs “Real As It Gets”, “99 Problems”, and “Empire State of Mind” with Bridget Kelly

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) is still on crack. Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) is still 50 years old, and fellow senior citizen (Betty White) is 90 years old. Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey ask “Really!?!” in egards to increased tension in Times Square, gaffes on Wall Street, and Greece’s national debt.

Recurring Characters: Whitney Houston, Sally O’Malley.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and his grandmother (Betty White) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Transcript

CSI: SarasotaSummary: Vivian Caruso (Betty White) and Sy Horowitz (Rachel Dratch) think there’s a killer on the loose at a retirement village, in this latest CBS spin-off.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The cast sings “Thank You For Being a Friend” for Betty White, but she’d rather perform it hard-rock style.

Transcript

Jay-Z performs “Young Forever” with Mr Hudson

2010 Census TakerSummary: Census taker (Tina Fey) gets runaround answers from an old bird (Betty White) who may or may not be living alone in her apartment.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Celtic WomenSummary: The Celtic Women perform their music.

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter.

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Car Bomb Press ConferenceSummary: Car bomber Faisal Shahzad (Fred Armisen) and his interpretor (Maya Rudolph) hold a press conference to address the charges against him.

Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) brings everyone down at a lingerie party.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

Pretty LivingSummary: Joyologist Helen Madden (Molly Shannon) has a new best friend in Betty White.

Recurring Characters: Helen Madden.

UnicornSummary: Things go horribly wrong when a man (Jason Sudeikis) gives his girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad) a unicorn for her birthday.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

Mrs. Johnson

Boy 1…..Kenan Thompson
Boy 2…..Fred Armisen
Mrs. Johnson…..Gabourey Sadibe

[ open on tentament stoop, night ]

Boy 1: Ah, man! You shoulda SEEN Tyrell, man! He booked it out of there so fast!

Boy 2: And it was just a squirrel?

Boy 1: Yeah, it was like a tiny baby squirrel, man! And Tyrell was, like, “Ahhhhhhh!!” [ he laughs ]

[ reveal Mrs. Johnson leaning out of her first-story window ]

Mrs. Johnson: Keep it down out there! It’s the middle of the night, and some of us are trying to SLEEP!!

Boy 1: Ah, leave us alone, Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON OUTTA HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: That’s old Mrs. Johnson, man. She’s just crazy!

Boy 2: Yeah. Sounds like it.

Boy 1: Yeah. Hey! Did you see the Yankee game today?

Boy 2: Aw, Andy Pettite is just DOMINATING this season! Right?

[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]

Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! I said keep it down! Besides, Andy Pettite can’t sus-sing — can’t… sustain a low ERA if he keep walking so many ballots!

Boy 1: Would you relax, Mrs. Johnson?

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON OUT OF HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: Pshhh! Man, she’s just a crazy lady talkin’ nonsense!

Boy 2: Yeah. Wanna go get a slice over at Marco’s?

Boy 1: Aw, HELL yeah! You know what makes their pizza great? The cru-ust!

[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]

Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! It ain’t the crust, it’s the sauce! They use real San Rosana tomatoes from the volcanic soil of Mount Visuvius!

Boy 1: Ohhhh, hush up!

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON AWAY FROM HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: Kooky, Mrs. Johnson, man! You know, I heard that she was chained up in there. Because, one time she escaped and ran down to City Hall and was exposing all kinds of corruption. And then she introduced sme bill to revolutionize the tax code. Just CRAZY stuff, man!

Boy 2: Yeah… Hey, is that crazy? I mean, it sounds kind of smart, you know?

Boy 1: Hey, about this, man — you wanna go down to the dog track.

Boy 2: Yeah. I just got paid. Come on, let’s double up! [ they high-five ]

[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]

Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! You should take that money, put it in a Roth IRA, and invest it in an international small cap mutual fund! Those stocks are 25% off their 52-week high — but their fundamentals are still impressive!

Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. NOW GET FROM AROUND HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: Man, that lady belongs in a MENTAL hospital!

Boy 2: Ah, I don’t know, man… she seems to know a lot of stuff.

Boy 1: Pfft! A lot of stuff about being a loon!

Mrs. Johnson: A loon is a medium-sized water bird! NOT to be confused with a seagull! NOWwWW GEEETTTT!!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: You see what I’m saying?

[ Boy 2 nods ]

Mrs. Johnson: If you see what you’re saying… you might be suffering from a condition known as Synesthesia! NOW GEEETTTT GOING!!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 2: You know… she might be less of a crazy person and more of a, you know, like, a genius.

Mrs. Johnson: According to the Greek philosopher Aristotle, there was never a genius without a tinge of madness. NOWWWW GEEETTTTTT!!!!

Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: Johnson is derived from the Hebrew word “Yohanan”, meaning “Gift of God.” LEAVE ME BE, NOWWW!!!

Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: WHAT?!!

Boy 1: How in the HELL do you KNOW all this stuff?!

[ flashback music pots up, as Mrs. Johnson develops a wistful stance ]

Mrs. Johnson: My Daddy used to sell Wikipedias.

Boy 2: But, Mrs. Johnson, you can get Wikipedia online for free.

Mrs. Johnson: I know. That’s why we was always so poor.

Both Boys: Ohhhhhhhhh….

Mrs. Johnson: Yeah. Really puts things into perspective. Maybe I’m not so crazy after all. NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU!!!!

Boy 1: Oh, hell!

[ the boys jump to their feet and run down the street ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

An SNL Digital Short

…..Gabourey Sidibe
…..Andy Samberg

FADE IN:

TITLE: CHERRY BATTLE

MUSIC: JAPANESE FEUDAL

[ Several streams of lasers swirl in a black abyss. Two swirling streams DISSOLVE to Andy & Gabourey. Both are in samurai kimonos. Their bodies pivot to be face-to-face. Andy places a maraschino cherry in his mouth. Gabourey grimaces, points and shouts at him. Andy fires the cherry at Gabourey. ]

[ Gabourey tilts her head to catch the cherry in her mouth but Andy fires one after another. Gabourey continues to catch every one despite Andy’s rapid firing. Andy arches his eyebrow and gets in the ready position as Gabourey fires back all the cherries he shot at her. Andy catches them all as Gabourey laughs at him. Andy bends his back and fires one cherry with all his might. Gabourey’s faces turns to horror. ]

[ The one cherry Andy has fired has black dots for eyes and a small mouth. It’s singing in the octave of a soprano. Gabourey tries to catch the cherry but she misses. The cherry screams as it falls and splatters to the ground. Both turn to the CAMERA and bow. ]

TITLE: CHERRY BATTLE

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Steve Harvey….Kenan Thompson
Contestant 1….Abby Elliott
Contestant 2….Bobby Moynihan
Contestant 3….Gabourey Sidibe

[Who Want to a Millionaire logo. Steve Harvey in his spiffy suit poses]

Announcer: This week on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! You loved him last week, now he’s back! Celebrity guest host Steve Harvey returns!

[cut to the set of the show]

Steve Harvey: All right now. You excited to be here?

Contestant 1: Absolutely. I’m excited, elated. I’m exuberant.

Steve Harvey: Well, looks like we caught us a college graduate. I used to work in a factory. Ok, here we go, darling. For $1,000. Here’s your question: What 1925 novel features a character named Nick Carraway?

[Possible answers: a] The Great Gatsby b] Ulysses c] Angels and Demons d] Last of the Mohicans]

Steve Harvey: Was it: a] The Great Gassy, b] Olissis, c]Angels and Dominicans, or d]Last of the Moeshas.

Contestant 1: What?

Announcer: Comedian, author and clothes designer Steve Harvey will keep you guessing, while they’re guessing in this special week of “Millionaire”.

[Steve poses in spiffy suit]

[cut back to the set]

Steve Harvey: You like this suit, player?

Contestant 2: It’s very nice.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, it’s from the Steve Harvey collection. You know how many buttons this got? 50! There’s 10 just on the inside of this sleeve right here. Ain’t that something?

Contestant 2: Yeah.

[Steve looks unsure what to say]

Steve Harvey: Ok, here we go. Let’s see if we can win you some money. This spice, popular on Italian dishes, is from the mint family.

[Possible answers: a]Oregano b]Horseradish c] Basil d] Paprika]

Steve Harvey: Is it: a] Oregami, b] Horse rashes, c]Brazil, d] Papo ricans. Heh, heh, I love papo ricans! My make-up lady is half-papo rican! You know I was in Papo Rico last month!

[Steve dances]

Announcer: Steve Harvey is back on the show he was born to host!

[back to the set]

Steve Harvey: [looks around the set] It’s like a spaceship. Where are we going? Mars?

Contestant 3: [clenched teeth] Just ask the question.

Stve Harvey: All right. Here we go darling. For $25,000.

[Question: The volcano known as Eyjafjallajukull is closest to what Icelandic city?]

Steve Harvey: The volcano known as, [Steve opens his eyes big] Eya….um, Eya, Ey, faya….fe, fie, foe.

Contestant 3: Hell, no.

Steve Harvey: Oh, wait a minute. I got this. Let me get this. I’m gonna get it. Eyya, faya, Eyya, faya….yomo gashe is closest to what Icelandic city?

[Possible answers: a]Reykjavic b] Kopagorur c] Hafnarfjorour d] Fjaroabyggo]

Steve Harvey: Is it: a] [Steve eyes wide open, stumped] Buk ba kiabkubu, b] Kavajaba, Kavajaba, jaba, or c] Heflofhef, or d] The Fu Schinikens.

[Contestant 3 chokes Steve]

Contestant 3: What are you talking about?! Steve Harvey is taking my money!

Steve Harvey: Hey! I’m getting tired!

Announcer: Watch Steve Harvey all this week on “Millionaire”. And be sure to tune in afterwards when Larry The Cable Guy guest hosts “Wheel of Fortune”.

[photo of Larry in front of Wheel of Fortune logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

A Conversation with Gabourey Sidibe

…..Gabourey Sidibe
Hamilton…..Will Forte
Agent…..Kenan Thompson
Fan…..Nasim Pedrad

[ A sign: “The New York Times presents: A Conversation with Gabourey Sidibe]

[Opens on a little hotel conference room. Academy Award Nominee Gabourey Sidibe talks to a small group of people with her agent. “Precious” movie poster]

Gabourey Sidibe: ….and working on “Precious” was one of the most exciting experiences of my life and I’m honored to be a part of it.

[applause]

Agent: Ok. Let’s open it up to questions.

Fan: Yes. Hi, a lot of the movie is centered around Precious’s desire for a boyfriend. Are you currently dating anybody?

Gabourey Sidibe: No, I’m not. I was in a relationship for a long time but it didn’t work out. So right now I’m just enjoying being single.

Agent: Yes. Anyone else?

Hamilton:[deep voice] Yes. I have a question, my love.

[Hamilton holds a microphone, big tinted sunglasses, his 60’s style blond hairdo]

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, what are you doing here?

Hamilton: I’ve come to ask for your black hand in marriage.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, this is not the time or the place for this.

Hamilton: If not us, who? If not now, when?

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, I don’t think that you of all people should be quoting RFK.

Hamilton: Oh, it was RFK? I thought it was from “Birth of a Nation”. Well, whatever. You just take me back, my love.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, you are straight up crazy if you think I would ever go back with you.

Hamilton: Apparently you have forgotten how I used to captive you with my sensual dancing. How I spent long nights tracing passages from Robert Ludlum’s novels into your back with my penis.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, yes. We had some great times but I’ve moved on. I have a career now.

Hamilton: Well, I offer you the role of a lifetime. The role of my wife. Mrs. Hamilton Whiteman.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, don’t you get it? I’m a proud African-American woman. I can’t be with a person that thinks the way that you do.

Hamilton: Gabourey, I’m different now. With the changing of the guard in the White House. Or should I say Black House? [Hamilton looks to high five a black man next to him, black guy ignores him] I’ve realized that I must change my antiquated attitude about race relations.

Gabourey Sidibe: I find that hard to believe. Tell me one thing that you’ve done.

Hamilton: I saw your movie.

Gabourey Sidibe: You–, you saw “Precious”?

Hamilton: Yes, my Gab. I went to the local Magic Johnson movie theaters. I looked for a Larry Bird theater but it didn’t exist. Full disclosure. I was wearing riot gear and carrying my bayonet cane.

Gabourey Sidibe: Oh Hamilton, I’m so flattered. Tell me you liked the movie.

Hamilton: The black audience was talking to the screen 90% of it. But what I saw, I liked. What I saw, I liked.

Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, you don’t know how much that means to me. And I’m sorry that those people talked.

Hamilton: Don’t you call them “those people”.

Gabourey Sidibe: Oh, Ham. You really have changed.

Hamilton: Enough for you to take me back? Take me back.

Gabourey Sidibe: I’ll take you back. [with lust] And I’ll take your front.

Agent: You sure you wanna do that?

Gabourey Sidibe: I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.

Hamilton: [approaches Gabourey at the table singing] Oh, I am with you, life is a Gabourey, my dear…life is a Gabourey. [kisses Gabourey hand] I love you.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

Goodnights

…..Gabourey Sadibe

Gabourey Sidibe: Thanks, MGMT! Thank you, SNL — you’re awesome! Happy Birthday, Chaz! This is AWESOME! This is my first SNL!! GOOOOOD NIIIIIGHTTTT!!

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

April 24th, 2010

Gabourey Sidibe

MGMT

None

None

John Mulaney


A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) comments on how his financial reforms were turned down.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Montage

Gabourey Sidibe’s MonologueSummary: Gabourey Sidibe sings a variant of “The Shoop Shoop Song” with the cast to applaud herself as an actress.

The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) chats finances with Margaret Davis (Gaborey Sidibe).

Recurring Characters: Suze Orman.

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?Summary: Substitute host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can’t seem to pronounce any of the answers.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

Transcript

Mrs. JohnsonSummary: Mrs. Johnson (Gabourey Sidibe) yells at boys (Kenan Thompson, Fred Armisen) chatting on the stoop.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg vs. Gabourey Sidibe in a “Cherry Battle”.

Transcript

I Did It In My StyleSummary: Danish actor (Fred Armisen) portrays FRank Sinatra in an unauthorized musical biography.

MGMT performs “Flash Delirium”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) kids her way through the Iceland volcano. Stefon (Bill Hader) discusses trendy vacation spots for families. Writer John Mulaney comments on lack of year-round availability for girl scout cookies.

Recurring Characters: Judy Grimes, Stefon.

2010 Public Employee of the Year AwardsSummary: Public employees receive their due at awards ceremony, if they can be bothered to show up.

Alarm Clocks and MoreSummary: Tina Tina Chaneuse (Jenny Slate) and Randy Cool Randy (Gabourey Sidibe) display a variety of talking alarm clocks.

Recurring Characters: Tina Tina Sheneuse.

MGMT performs “Brian Eno”

A Conversation with Gabourey SidibeSummary: Gabourey Sidibe is intercepted by ex-boyfriend Hamilton (Will Forte)

Recurring Characters: Hamilton.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

BullySummary: A bully (Andy Samberg) is reduced to tears when his would-be victims don’t fall for his tough guy act.

PrenivaSummary: Sally Field (Abby Elliott) promotes the bone loss health solution for middle-aged women who are needlessly scared by their doctors.

Note: This commercial parody will eventually air on the season finale episode hosted by Alec Baldwin.

Broadway AuditionsSummary: A cleaning lady (Gabourey Sidibe) auditions for the role of an emotional Broadway singer.

BuffetSummary: Crashers (Gabourey Sidibe, Kenan Thompson) pretend to be doctors at a lecture so they feast on the provided buffet.

Party CrashersSummary: Party Crashers (Fred Armisen, Jenny Slate) tries to teach people how to properly crash a party.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Teen Talk

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Leonard…..Bill Hader
Rudy…..Ryan Phillippe
Shelby…..Nasim Pedrad
Janelle…..Kristen Wiig
Toby…..Andy Samberg

[ open on program montage ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Teen Talk”, with Dr. Kathy Carson. The show that helps teen learn to deal with the problems and issues that face today’s teenager. Dr. Kathy is a licensed psychologist, with a unique ability to relate to teens on their level. And now, Dr. Kathy Carson.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Yeah… Dr. Kathy is sick. I’m Roger Brush, I’m the producer of this show. Dr. Kathy’s fiance called to tell me it was coming out of both ends. She’s using a toilet and a tub — how about that! [ he smiles ] So I said, “Take the day off, I’m gonna cover the show.” Uh, let’s go to the audience and see who’s got a problem. Leonard, who do we have?

Leonard: This is Rudy. He’s 13.

Roger Brush: Look at all these teenagers! What’s your problem, kid?

Rudy: [ nervous ] Um… I noticed that… in gym class… a lot of guys are developing faster than me? Uh… when is it normal to get pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Buddy, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying! You can’t — you can’t MUMBLE like that!

Rudy: [ shaking ] When should I be getting pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Kid! You have to get right up on that mike! Nobody can hear you!

Rudy: I’m embarrassed because I don’t have any pubic hair… is that normal?!

Roger Brush: [ bewildered ] You don’t have any pubic hair?! What kind of question is that?!

Leonard: He just needs some reassurance that this is a normal thing.

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know HOW normal that is! Hell, when I was 12 I had a bush as big as a Hawaiian pineapple top! I mean, but that was the 70’s, so who knows? Does that help?

Rudy: N-no?

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya’! I’m up here knocking myself out trying to help you! You’re up there saying — you’re looking at me, saying, “No!” You know, where does that leave me?! Who’s next?

Leonard: This is Shelby Winters, she’s 14.

Shelby: This is kind of embarrassing, but… I’m having trouble with acne.

Roger Brush: What?! Sweetheart! If you’re talking to me, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying!

Shelby: I said, I’m having acne pimples? And it’s embarrassing, because I’m starting to find them in my armpits.

Roger Brush: Okay, I’m just going to say this out loud to EVERYBODY: You gotta get RIGHT UP on that mike and HOLLAR!! Otherwise, you’re wasting everybody’s time! Let’s — honey, let’s try that again!

Shelby: I’m saying I have pimples under my armpit.

Roger Brush: You got PIT BULLS?! What? Where?

Shelby: Nooooo! Pimples! Under my armpits!

Roger Brush: Sweetheart, that’s just gross! You — you know, you gotta CLEAN under there! You know, ask your mom to buy you a washcloth. Alright? Promise me that!

Shelby: That doesn’t sound like something Dr. Kathy would say…

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to TELL ya’! Dr. Kathy isn’t here! She’s sick! All the magic in the world isn’t gonna make her appear! You got two choices: Either keep complaining, or write down my advice and go do it! Okay? I could CARE LESS!! [ he grins mischieviously ] Okay, sweetheart? Thank you! Who’s next?

Leonard: This is Janelle. Uh… she’s 15.

Janelle: [ mumbling ] Um… my family… just moved to northern Florida, and nobody at Todd Central High School will talk to me. How do I make friends?

Roger Brush: Oh — oh, I have a new rule: If I can’t hear you, we’re DONE!! NEXT!!

Leonard: This is Toby, uh… he’s 14 and a half.

Toby: Um… how do I put this? I think I rubbed my thing raw, and, you know, it’s hard to walk. Am I doing it too much, huh?

Roger Brush: I — I — I don’t want to hear about this, that’s DISGUSTING!!

Leonard: I think he just needs assurance that he’s not alone.

Toby: Yeah, you’re supposed to help me!

Roger Brush: Well — I don’t care to hear it! What you do on your own time is your own business!

Toby: But… it hurts!

Roger Brush: [ laughing and sputtering ] What do you want from me?! I don’t know! Play with it ’til it falls off!

Toby: [ aghast ] Wha…?

Roger Brush: Young man, you’re being RUDE! Okay, who’s next?

Leonard: [ looking around ] No one wants to go.

Roger Brush: Okay, good. You know what, I’m ready for a break, anyway. When we come back, fashion expert Toni St. Saint is gonna show us some prom fasions for the plus-size girl. [ bug-eyed ] What?! Good luck with that! Uhhh — [ he chuckles ] We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

The Shake Weight Commercial DVD

Entrepreneur…..Bill Hader
Suburban Dad…..Bobby Moynihan
Testimonial 1…..Fred Armisen
Testimonial 3…..Andy Samberg
Testimonial 4…..Kenan Thompson
Testimonial 5…..Will Forte
Pink Tanktop Girl…..Kristen Wiig
Other Models…..Jenny Slate

[ open on images from the Shake Weight commercial ]

Entrepreneur: The Shake Weight. A revolutionary new way for women to shape and tone their arms. You’ve seen the commercial. Now… wouldn’t you like to see it again? If you’re like me, you can’t get enough of this Shake Weight commercial. At first, I couldn’t believe it was real. Then, I realized it was. Then, I made sure no one was around… [ a beat ] and then I did a third thing.

[ show scenes of a Suburban Dad frantically trying to catch the commercial on TV ]

Entrepreneur V/O: Until now, seeing the Shake Weight commercial has been inconvenient. You never know when it’s gonna be on. Sometimes, ou only catch the very end of it. And then, when it is on, your stupid kids are in the room.

Entrepreneur: But now, there is a convenient way to see the Shake Weight commercial — EVERY DAY! Introducing… [ he holds up a homemade disc ] The Shake Weight Commercial DVD. The lightweight DVD featuring the Shake Weight commercial three times on a loop, then some static, and then nothing else.

[ show Testimonial 1 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 1: Oh yeah, this DVD’s great! First of all, you can show your friends it’s an actual commercial — that’s kind of cool. And the second reason… [ he practically salivates ] Yeah, if you don’t know the second reason… don’t bother getting the DVD.

[ show Suburban Dad in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Suburban Dad: Me? I like the slo-mo parts. I guess, technically, they slow it down for science, but, really, it just gives you more time to imagine stuff.

Entrepreneur: The Shake Weight DVD comes in a variety of fake covers to keep your wife away. Like: “Saw V”… a “Three Stooges” movie … and “Sam Kinison: Live in Tempe”.

[ show Testimonial 3 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 3: This DVD is great for ANYONE who likes to watch women get all porno with a gym weight.

[ show Testimonial 4 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 4: I like that… forward lunge… reach back position. She looks like she’s about to run a marathon, but first she has to… help a guy out! That has no business being on free TV!

[ cut to Testimonial 5 ]

Testimonial 5: If I had to pick a favorite, it’s… uh… pink tanktop girl. Yeah!

[ reveal pink tanktop girl ]

[ show Testimonial 5 in a corner box as the commercial plays ]

Testimonial 5: Of all of them… you can tell she’s in on it.

[ the other testimonials appear in squares surrounding pink tanktop girl, and they’re all in agreement ]

Entrepreneur: Yes — she is in on it!

[ cut to product slide ]

Entrepreneur V/O: Get your Shake Weight Commercial DVD today! It’s fun to watch!

Entrepreneur: And, in its own weird way… [ he flexes one full-muscled arm ] a GREAT workout!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts