Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 18

09r: Tina Fey / Justin Bieber

Brownie Husband

Single Woman…..Tina Fey

[ open on single woman coming home from a long day at work ]

Announcer: You’ve worked a long day. It’s not easy being the Perfect Boss… the Perfect Best Friend… the Perfect Aunt. But when you’re done, who’s there for you? Duncan Hines. That’s who. With our newest indulgence, specifically designed for the single woman.

[ she pops brownie mix into the microwave ]

Announcer: Introducing…. Brownie Husband, our very first companion dessert.

[ reveal product box ]

Announcer: In just ninety seconds, Brownie Husband bakes into a delicious partner just for you, a luxurious temptation that’s only 120 calories per serving.

[ now completely baked, the single woman sits on the couch with her man-sized warm brownie and takes a fork to his chest ]

[ SUPER: “Brownie Husband represents 500 servings” ]

Announcer: Made of sumptious Belgium fudge, Brownie Husband can satisfy all your cravings. The ones in your mouth —

Single Woman: You taste so good.

Announcer: and your soul.

[ single woman bites down on Brownie Husband’s neck ]

[ time-lapse to single woman rubbing Brownie Husband’s hand through her hair ]

Single Woman: [ giggling ] Why, yes. I did get highlights! Thank you for noticing.

Announcer: Finally, you can stuff your feelings down… with something you have feelings for

[ time-lapse to single woman dressed in negligee and dancing with Brownie Husband in her bedroom ]

Announcer: Brownie Husband is there whenever you need him/it.

[ time-lapse to single woman giving a neck massage to Brownie Husband ]

Announcer: The perfect blend of rich fudge and emotional intimacy, Brownie Husband is guaranteed to arouse all your senses.

Single Woman: You seem tense.

[ she grabs a handful of brownie from his neck and eats ]

[ time-lapse to single woman lying in bed and french-kissing Brownie Husband’s mouth ]

Announcer: And at the center of every Brownie Husband, is a warm, moist caramel surprise.

[ gooey caramel spills forth from Brownie Husband’s mouth ]

Announcer: Duncan Hines Brownie Husband. Now available with or without nuts.

[ time-lapse to single woman waking up in the morning with disheveled hair and brownie chunks and crumbs scattered across her bed ]

Announcer: Brownie Husband. We now pronounce you… full.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

April 10th, 2010

Tina Fey

Justin Bieber

None

Steve Martin

Mark Sanchez

None


A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) reads Census questions that seek answers of a too-personal nature to suit his political agenda.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey sings “I’m Every Woman” and introduces the entourage that helps her juggle her many roles as a woman.

Recurring Characters: Chaka Khan.

Transcript

Brownie HusbandSummary: Single woman (Tina Fey) indulges her sweet tooth with a romantic fantasy.

Transcript

MastersSummary: Jim Nantz (Jason Sudeikis) and Nick Faldo (Bill Hader) welcome Tiger Woods back to the Masters Tournament with additional sideline commentary from floozy Ashlyn St. Cloud (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: Jim Nantz, Tiger Woods.

Sarah Palin NetworkSummary: Sarah Palin’s (Tina Fey) new television network includes low-rent TV-movies of the week and a new action series starring husband Todd (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

Lonely TeacherSummary: Lonely teacher (Tina Fey) indulges in a musical fantasy with twerpy teen student (Justin Bieber).

Justin Bieber performs “Baby”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Even the Devil (Jason Sudeikis) is offended by latest Catholic Church scandal. Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) reviews recent movies. Tina Fey delivers Women’s News.

Recurring Characters: Aunt Linda.

Transcript

Ruff, Rugged and RokerSummary: Al Roker (Kenan Thompson) hosts a hip-hop jam in-between phoning in his weather reports for “The Today Show”.

Recurring Characters: Al Roker, Kim Kardashian.

School DanceSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad) is best friends with her mom (Tina Fey) and doesn’t wan to interact socially with her peers.

Justin Bieber performs “U Smile”

Tiny HookerSummary: 9-inch hooker Lolene (Tina Fey) wants to save enough money from turning tricks to fly to Paris.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The ViewSummary: The insipidly gabby talk show hostesses chat about “Dancing With The Stars” with Pamela Anderson (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback, Pamela Anderson.

Date NightSummary: While being interviewed about “Date Night”, mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Tina Fey about “30 Rock”‘s low ratings.

Great Women WritersSummary: Tina Fey discusses the writers who inspired her to follow in their tracks.

Great Women Writers IISummary: Tina Fey discusses more writers who inspired her to follow in their tracks.

The Shake Weight Commercial DVDSummary: Entrepreneur (Bill Hader) advertises a DVD of the Shake Weight commercial for horny male viewers who keep missing it on television.

Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Ryan Phillippe.

The Facts of LifeSummary: Teenager’s (Andy Samberg) parents (Will Forte, Tina Fey) educate him about the birds and the bees.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling…..Bill Hader
Husband…..Jude Law
Wife…..Abby Elliott
Stewardess…..Nasim edradThing…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Pearl Jam
Thing’s Wife…..Jenny Slate

[ open on Rod Serling standing in front of an airport terminal with creepy “Twilight Zone” music playing ]

Rod Serling: A man journeys from Point A to Point B. But this is no ordinary journey. For little does this man know, this trip ends in a dark, mysterious, terrible place: [ dramatic pause ] Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And, also: The Twilight Zone.

[ cut to exterior footage of a plane flying in the rain ]

[ dissolve to interior, cabin, as a stewardess tends to her passengers ]

Husband: Ohhhh… oh, man! Will this storm EVER end?

Wife: [ chipper ] Oh, it’s fine, dear. HUNDREDS of planes fly through this kind of weather every day!

Husband: Yeah, but I’m not on those planes!

Wife: Oh, relax. It’ll be better if you try to sleep.

Husband: [ nodding ] Okay. Alright. I’ll try.

[ he leans back, but first looks out the window as thunder flashes. He’s stunned by what he sees. ]

[ cut to the exterior, wing, as a mysterious Thing stomps slowly toward the window, then does a low jump to pose menacingly in place ]

Husband: Honey! Honey, there’s something out there!

Wife: What? Where?

Husband: On the wing! I saw… something!

Wife: Let me see…

[ she peers out the window, but the wing is now empty ]

Wife: I don’t see anything there.

Husband: I SAW it!! I SWEAR!! I did!!

[ she rubs his shoulder assuringly, as he glances out the window again ]

[ the mysterious Thing is crouched low, smoking a cigarette. He notices the man staring at him, flicks the cigarette toward the window, then jumps back into his menacing pose. ]

Husband: There’s something out there on the wing! [ to everyone ] THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!! THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!!

[ the Stewardess runs forward ]

Stewardess: Sir, what is going on?

Husband: There’s a creature on the wing! It was smoking! Smoking on a plane!!

Stewardess: [ innocently ] Sir… everyone here is smoking on the plane.

[ reveal the other passengers casually smoking on the plane, one of the many perks of aviation in 1963 ]

Husband: But the thing! It was —

Stewardess: I don’t see anything, sir. Now, try to get some rest, okay?

[ she walks away ]

Husband: [ cracking up ] I swear I saw it!

Wife: Honey, it’s nothing. Just, please, get some rest.

Husband: Okay! Alright!

[ he seems relaxed, but can’t help but look out the window again ]

[ reveal the Thing cooking barbecue on the wing, while wearing a “KISS ME, I’M REAL” t-shirt. He notices the man’s glance, and poses menacingly once again. ]

Husband: AAGGGHHHH!!! My God, it’s OUT there!!

Wife: WHAT is?!

Husband: I DON’T KNOW!! IT!! LOOK!!

Wife: [ she looks ] I don’t see anything! What was it doing?!

Husband: It was making grilled cedar-black salmon! I think it likes fish!

Wife: Oh, Bob! Bob, stop! This is crazy! This storm is getting to you, just go to sleep!

Husband: [ collecting himself ] Okay… alright… I’ll try.

[ he looks out the window once again, and sees the Thing on a walking machine. The Thing notices the man’s stare, and thus jumps off into his menacing position. ]

Husband: OH!! NO!! It’s exercising!! STEWARDESS!! IT’S EXERCISING!!

Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir!

Husband: IT’S EXERCISING!!

Stewardess: Sir, stop it!! Calm down! Nothing is out there!

Husband: You can’t see it?! It’s toning up! It seems healthy and… dangerous!

Stewardess: Sir, do you need a pill? Hmm? Because, unless you calm yourself, we’re going to have you arrested when you get on the ground! Now, can you settle down, sir?

Husband: Yes. Yes, I think I can. I — I — I’m okay.

[ she closes the window curtain ]

Stewardess: Now, we have a long flight. Just don’t look out the window from now on. Can you do that, sir?

Husband: [ fumbling with his emotions ] I think so.

Stewardess: Good. Good night, sir.

[ she walks away ]

[ naturally, the man pulls back the curtain and peeks out the window again. The Thing is carrying a tiered cake from one stand to another. ]

Husband: Don’t look! No, he’s going to drop the cake! He’s trying to get it to the judge’s table! He — he can’t transfer that!

[ the Thing transfers the cake to the judge’s table, then jumps low into his menacing position for the man ]

Husband: You’re on a wing! It’s impossible! [ he blinks his eyes ] No, it’s fine. There’s nothing there… there’s nothing there! It’s okay.

[ he looks out the window once more, and sees the Thing chatting it up with Pearl Jam. They all notice his stare and thus jump down into their menacing positions. ]

Husband: OH, NO!! OH, NO, NO, NO!! You have to stop that Thing!!

Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir! You can’t do this, sir!

Husband: No, no, no! I’m going out there!

Stewardess: No! Sir!

[ the man pries the window open, then screams as the Thing climbs in through the window ]

Thing: FINALLY!! I was freezing my BALLS off out there!! Geez! Make decisions much?! Man! [ to Stewardess ] Hey, I’m in 23-C. [ she points to the man’s seat ] Oh. I’m sorry. Hey, I’m in 23-C?

Husband: That’s, uh, that’s my seat.

Thing: Oh. Uh — [ he chuckles ]

Wife: I’m in 23-D.

Thing: Oh! Okay. I’m sorry. I hate to be a pain, but would you guys mind moving so that my wife and I could sit next to each other?

[ his own furry wife steps forward ]

Thing’s Wife: Oh, I’m so sorry. Hi!

Husband: No, no, no, no — of course!

Thing: Thank you so much!

Thing’s Wife: Thank you so much!

[ they make their pleasantries and swap seats ]

Thing: Oh, wow! Finally, I can relax.

[ camera pans across the aisle to Rod Serling seated ]

Rod Serling: The nightmare in the sky is over, but, on the ground, a man who is deciding exercise for the very first time… is killed by a falling eliptical machine — and, also, members of Pearl Jam. Another coincidence that can only happen… in The Twlight Zone.

[ cut to titles ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Julian Casablancas
Drug Dealer…..Akiva Schaffer
Spanish Guy…..Fred Armisen
Orderly…..Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ The picture shakes as the bass of the boombox blasts. ANDY SAMBERG’ standing in front of several speakers with his head tilted down. The camera moves closer and closer on him as he quickly tilts his head up. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“Imagine in your mind you’re in a posh country club”

INT. COUNTRY CLUB – DAY

[ Several well-to-do folks are having boiled goose for lunch. A matire’d denies entry to a poor family. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed
The spread is bland sauerkraut and boiled goose
There’s no way these people will ever cut loose”

[ Andy enters, carrying a colossal boombox and holds it high over his head. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high
And what happened next, will blow your mind”

[ The patrons and staff are dancing wild as The Strokes’ lead singer JULIAN CASABLANCAS holds a mic. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Everything got outta control”
The music was so entrancing
Everyone got out of the floor
It was a bunch of white people dancing”

EXT. NYC – DAY

[ Andy strolls down the Upper West Side. Two street cops arrest a drug dealer. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The Big Apple, where people never dance
Spirits go down while profits expand
The cops or the dealers, who’s got the juice”

[ Andy poses next to an angry, Middle Eastern street vendor selling boiled goose. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The street vendors peddling their boiled goose
So many types of people, they’ll never get along
Till I bust out my boombox and play this song”

[ Julian’s surrounded by pedestrians who’re dancing; such as an Asian man doing a freak dance as well as the cops and the drug dealer swaying in harmony. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“The music washed away all their hate
And society started advancing
Every demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing”

[ The street vendors gyrates his body holding two, boiled gooses. Andy holds the boombox near the face of a Wall Street executive, who’s doing the “ass slap” break dance.]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Whoa!

[ INTERCUT between the street and Julian on an all black soundstage raining glitter.]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves”

[ Andy, Julian, and the crowd wiggle their fingerless, gloved-covered hands. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh!
I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman”

[ A SPANISH MAN wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt and yellow/red cape does the Bartman dance. ]

INT. RETIREMENT HOME – DAY

[ Numerous geriatric senior citizens mull around. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“Transport now to an old folks home
Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones”

[ An ORDERLY steals a wad of cash out of a purse. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The orderlies are stealing, there’s no excuse
Everyday for lunch they eat boiled goose”

[ An elderly black man gets a whole patter of boiled goose smothered in BBQ sauce. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo base”

[ Andy flips a switch labeled TURBO BASS and holds the boombox high. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“And what happened next was a total disgrace”

[ All the residents start engaging in torrid intercourse. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Everybody started having sex
The music was way too powerful
A bunch of old people fucking like rabbits
It was disgusting to say the least
Oh!
A boombox can change the world
You gotta know your limits with a boombox
This is a cautionary tale
A boombox is not a toy!”

[ Julian smashes a vase by closing his hands. Andy slides on the floor of the soundstage like Michael Jackson as glitter shoots up from the slide. Andy holds the boombox on his shoulder blowing glitter into the camera simultaneously with Julian at his side. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Secret Word

Lyle Round…..Bill Hader
Mindy Grayson…..Kristen Wiig
Vladmir Kuchev…..Jude Law
Lenny Doyle…..Kenan Thompson
Dan Durnst…..Fred Armisen

Announcer 1: You’re watching the Game Show Network. Coming up next, Secret Word!

Announcer 2: It’s time to play the game the stars play, Secret Word! With your host, Lyle Round!

[Lyle Round enters from backstage; the audience applauses]

Lyle Round: Hello! Hello everyone! I’m Lyle Round, and we got a great show for you, and it looks like our contestants are ready, so why don’t we bring out the stars! Our first guess is someone you may not recognize as a celebrity, because she is better known for her work on the Broadway stage, please welcome Mindy Gracin!

[Mindy comes out to applause; she stands, smiling in somewhat of a haze]

Mindy Grayson: Look at me!

Lyle Round: Good to have you back. Next we have Russian ballet star, Vladimir Kuchev! [Vladimir enters by doing demi-pointe work on and off the stage] Vladimir, Vladimir, Vladimir! [Vladimir comes back by semi-leaping to the other side, then stretching his leg on the table] Alright!

Vladmir Kuchev: They’ve not yet worn though!

Lyle Round: Okay, why don’t you have a seat? Have a seat, have a seat! Alright, so what’s new with you, Vladimir?

Vladmir Kuchev: I’ve recently defected from my country so I can be ballet dancer in America! [Vladimir stands up, his very large bulge is visible and he stretches his leg on the table again] You see?

Lyle Round: Oh, VERY nice! Very nice. Well a coin was tossed backstage and Mindy’s team won the toss, are you ready?

Mindy Grayson: Lyle, I, am, prepared, to play, SECRET WORD! [Mindy stretches her arms up, one hand going over her teammate’s face]

Lyle Round: Quiet from the audience and ten seconds from the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “gown.”

Mindy Grayson: [Clock starts ticking] Alright. I know about these… how am I going to do this? Alright… [inhales deeply, then exhales] Oh, I know. Goooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnn! [Buzzer rings; Mindy shakes her head]

Lyle Round: You just said the secret word, Mindy. The secret word was “gown.”

Mindy Grayson: Yes, I said it. I said the secret word, gown. I’m an actress, that’s my craft, it’s what I do, I read the page! Just like I did when I starred in the hit show [Stands up] Sassy Slacks of 1963!

Lyle Round: Okay, okay. Calm down, calm down. Before we go on, why don’t we meet your partner? His name is Lenny Doyle, and I hear you have a very funny story for us.

Lenny Doyle: Well, I don’t know how funny it is. I was arrested for walking around a neighborhood that families live in. [Mindy and Lyle laugh]

Lyle Round: That’s great. Now we’re glad you’re here; let’s move over to Vladimir’s team. Let’s meet his partner!

Dan Durnst: Uh, hi, I’m Dan Durnst, I’m a file clerk and I enjoy playing the handbells!

Mindy Grayson: I played a Southern belle in the Broadway show [Stands up] I Do Declare My Name is Dee Claire!

Lyle Round: I saw that, and it was awful. Let’s move on, Vladimir, move on, you’re up. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “vodka.”

Vladmir Kuchev: This is too easy. You have this in the morning with beets.

Dan Durnst: Um, uh… Cheerios. I don’t know.

Vladmir Kuchev: Nyet, nyet. If your baby is thirsty, it drinks this.

Dan Durnst: Uh… milk.

Vladmir Kuchev: NO! Concentrate! What is wrong with you? You’re embarrassing me!

Dan Durnst: Cheerios?

Mindy Grayson: It’s vodka! I can see it right here on my screen, the secret word is Vodka. I can see it right here. [Buzzer goes off]

Lenny Doyle: Why are you helping them?

Lyle Round: We don’t want any trouble, Lenny! I WILL call the police!

Lenny Doyle: Oh…

Vladmir Kuchev: She’s right! It’s WODKA! I’m sorry I yelled at you. [Puts his hand down Dan’s face] See, I have tender side.

Lyle Round: [Laughs] Yeah. Let’s go back over to Mindy’s team. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “theater.”

Mindy Grayson: Alright, listen very closely. I’m not going to say theater. [Buzzer goes off] Theeeaaaaaaaaaaater! [Buzzer goes off four times] I said the secret word again. But this time I cannot be blamed, theater’s in my bones! It has been since the stage debut [Stands up] And Sarah Made a Sound, the story of a mute girl who desperately wanted to say the word jazz!

Lyle Round: Take it easy. Take it easy. Thank you. Dan, it’s your turn to give to Vladimir.

Dan Durnst: Okay!

Announcer 2: The secret word is “cake.”

Dan Durnst: Okay, this is something you eat on your birthday.

Vladmir Kuchev: Sour cream and fish.

Dan Durnst: No.

Vladmir Kuchev: What do you mean, no?!

Dan Durnst: It’s a dessert.

Vladmir Kuchev: Oh, of course. Steamed eggs in pickled water!

Lyle Round: Time’s almost up, Vladimir.

Mindy Grayson: [Walks over to Dan’s side] It’s cake. It’s right there on the screen. [Buzzer goes off]

Lyle Round: You know what? Before I kill someone, I think we know a break. We’ll be right back after a word from Career Girl Cigarettes!

Mindy Grayson: [Stands in front of panel] Thank you for watching! [Lyle tries to get her to sit down; title screen comes up]

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Talk Show with Ravish

Ravish…..Nasim Pedrad
Ravish’s dad….Fred Armisen
Sabina…..Jenny Slate
Uncle…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Jude Law

[Opens with a misty landscape. Channel 10, Edison, NJ]

[cuts to a living room turned TV studio in a Hindu family]

[Logo Talk Show with Ravish. Photo of emotionless Ravish]

Ravish’s Dad: Live from Vanacheck, New Jersey. It’s “Talk Show with Ravish”. And now here’s your host, my son, child prodigy. He’s a very good boy, well behaved and will be a jolly good talk show host, Ravish Vandrashekeran.

[nerdy Ravish appears, big glasses]

Ravish: Hello. Welcome to our home. I am Ravish. My father always wanted for me to work hard and become doctor. Then he read that Mister David Letterman makes over 31 and half million dollars per year. Now he wants me to be talk show host. So I try.

Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, heh. That was a very good monologue. Good one. Ok Sabina. Play him over.

[nerdy Sabina with big glasses plays the violin, Ravish sits down]

Ravish: My sister Sabina on violin everyone. [applause] How was your schooling today, Sabina?

Sabina: I work very hard. And I get high marks.

Ravish: I also received high marks.

Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, this is very good banter.

Ravish: Now we are going to do a new segment where we ask questions in the street.

Ravish’s Dad: That’s right. It’s Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.

[cut to Ravish and his dad on the street]

Ravish’s Dad: What is the capital of Finland?

Ravish: Helsinki.

Ravish’s Dad: Yes. What is the surface area of the planet Jupiter?

Ravish: 62. 2 billion kilometers squared.

Ravish’s Dad: In miles?

Ravish: 24.1 billion miles.

Ravish’s Dad: Correct. It’s been Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.

[back to the show]

Ravish: My first guest came into father’s store today and agreed to be here for discount on rug. Please welcome, from movies, Mr. Jude Law.

[actor Jude Law appears and sits next to Ravish]

Jude Law: Hello there Ravish. It’s a pleasure to be here–

Ravish’s Dad: Take off your shoes!

Jude Law: Sorry, sorry. [takes off shoes]

Ravish: Thank you for being here. Most nights my guest is my uncle. [uncle wearing a turban drinks from bottle] Mr. Law, I know that you grew up in the London borough of Lewisham.

Jude Law: Yes, I did. Yes.

Ravish: Population 261,600 persons according to the 2008 census.

Jude Law: Hey, you know your stuff. That’s very good.

Ravish: I also know that you were educated at the National Youth Music Theater.

Jude Law: Yep, that’s right. I’m very impressed, Ravish.

Ravish: [nerdy pride] Aaahh, yeah. In 2004, you made the movie “Alfie” which cost 60 million dollars American but only grossed 13.4 million.

Jude Law: [embarrassed] Oh, yeah, you know, Ravish what really matters is—

Ravish: Therefore the total loss of the film was—

Jude Law: [desperate, interrupts] Right, we don’t have to go through all that now—

Ravish’s Dad: No, no.no. Let him study mathematics. He must study this to be bloody good talk show host.

Ravish: 46 million lost. Lost.

Jude Law: Thanks. Thanks Ravish, for that very accurate reminder.

Ravish: You’re very welcome.

Ravish’s Dad: My Ravish work very, very hard. Takes every night to be talk show host. Not like lazy-bones Craig Ferguson.

Jude Law: Well, you’re very good at it. Why don’t we change the subject?

Ravish: Ok. According to the “National Enquirer” in December 2008 you impregnated a woman—

Jude Law: [panicked] Oh, ok, that’s enough, Ravish.

Ravish: But I read, I study…

Jude Law: Yes, but Ravish, that tabloid stuff isn’t really necessarily nice to talk about in an interview. Maybe I should just go.

Ravish’s Dad: Do you mean that my Ravish is not a good talk show host? That he failed?

[panicky faces on Ravish and Sabina, uncle sleeps drunk]

Jude Law: No. No, no, no. Ravish, I’m sorry. You’re a bloody good talk show host. I give you an A plus. And I’m gonna tell all my actor friends to appear on your show.

Ravish: [ecstatic] Oh, yeah! Do it.

Ravish’s Dad: I’m very proud of you my son. [hugs him]

Ravish: Thank you, father. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jude Law. [applause]

[Jude puts on his shoes]

Ravish’s Dad: Now we take family picture. Come on.

Ravish: You too Mr. Law. Come in.

[The whole family poses with Jude for a photo. Uncle drunken dancing]

[photo of rug store]

Announcer: Clothes provided by “Vandrashekeran July Fourth Rugs” in Edison NJ. Guests on “Talk Show with Ravish” must take off their shoes!

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Jude Law’s Monologue

…..Jude Law

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, Jude Law!

[audience cheers]

Jude Law: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here! Thank you. It’s great to be back on the stage! You know, last summer I was here, my musical guest was Ashlee Simpson. Hey, and do you know what? I think [sarcastically] she was great.

I’ve actually spent a lot of time in New York lately because I was playing Hamlet on Broadway. [audience cheers] Thank you. I spent the last year of my life performing the role. You know, every actor does Hamlet differently and, uh, since I’m back on stage, I figured I’d share my impression of what it was like for me to play. So, uh, it can be four and half hours long, so I”m going to try to be quick.

Um… we begin in Elsinor Castle. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Hamlet, a troubled yet extremely handsome prince, is coping with his father’s death. Suddenly, his father’s ghost appears and tells him to avenge his murder. So, Hamlet rages against his mother for marrying his uncle, the killer. “Frailty, thy name is woman,” he says, plus many other lines that are less famous and harder to memorize. Then, there’s a long part where one guy in a hat shouts at another guy in a hat, and he’s also…uh, it’s a little bit boring. Anyway, then, everyone in the audience is like “Okay, here it comes. Hamlet’s going to do the famous ‘to be or not to be’ speech.” And I’m nervous, you know, but then I think, well, they paid all this money and they dressed up nice, and I don’t want to get into trouble like Piven. [audience laughs] So, I say “to be or not to be: that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. Someone’s phone goes off. [there’s a sound of a phone ringing] [in his American accent] Hello? Yeah, I’m in the theater. Eh, he’s okay. [switches back to English accent] To die, to sleep, then more blah blah blah blah. Then, Hamlet kills one of the guys in the hat, and by mistake, he’s sent to England. Now, this is my favorite part of the play because I get to leave the stage and go to my dressing room. Check my e-mail, maybe play on Twitter, read the New York Post. Oh, I’m in it. Then, the stage manager knocks on the door. Three minutes, two. I ask for a biscuit, he brings me a biscuit, I eat the biscuit. And then, I come back out on stage and Ophelia’s dead. I don’t know what happened there; I’ve never watched act four. Then what? Uh….there’s a skull. Alas, poor Yorick. Gertrude dies, uh, Laertes stabs me, I stab him, I stab Claudius, they die, I die, the rest is silence. Then, applause! I bow, there’s more applause! I take another bow, more applause! I put up my arms pretending like, you know, I’m sick of bowing, but that, of course, leads to more applause! So, I give my biggest bow of all and I get into a cab and I go back to my apartment, drink a bottle of wine, turn on the TV, watch MTV Teen Cribs, which is pretty fun actually. It’s like regular Cribs, but with teens…so anyway, that’s my Hamlet!

[audience cheers]

We have a great show, Pearl Jam is here! So stick around, we’ll be back! [audience cheers]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Goodnights

…..Jude Law

Jude Law: Hey! Thanks to Pearl Jam! Jerry Seinfeld! Julian Casablancas! And thanks to all of you! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Ford

Girl…..Abby Elliott
Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer…..Bill Hader

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST – DAY

[ The camera’s angle’s from a tree top POV. A GUY and GIRL are strolling together, hand in hand. ]

Announcer (V/O): It’s time to get out. See the world from a tree’s point of view. Time to find Mother Nature and shake her hand, and when you travel, you always make sure it’s in harmony with the environment.

[ The couple’s stroll ends at their parked car. Both enter the vehicle. The camera pans down to focus on the car’s model name – PRIUS. ]

INT. TOYOTA PRIUS

[ Both are screaming as the Prius accelerates out of control. The guy applies pressure to the Prius’ brake. No such luck. ]

Guy: I can’t slow down!

Girl: Step on the brakes!!

Guy: The brakes!?!? YOU DON’T THINK I HAVEN’T TRIED THAT!?!?!? Get the police on the phone.

Girl: Fuck! Oh my God!

[ The girl dials her cell frantically. ]

Guy: What the fuck!?

[ She turns to him. ]

Girl: It’s 911. Did you step on the brakes!?

Guy: Shut up, bitch! Gotta slow this motherfucker down!!

[ The girl cries hard. ]

Girl: We’re gonna die!

[ Both scream loud. ]

[ FORD logo against a white background. ]

[ SUPER: WE MAKE HYBRIDS TOO. ]

Announcer (V/O): Ford… we make hybrids too.

EXT. HIGHWAY – NEAR FOREST – DAY

[ The Prius’ high speed goes into slow motion for a moment to show the girl pressed up against the door’s frame, screaming out the window. The Prius resumes its dangerous speed and rockets off into the unknown. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Broadview Security

Single Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
A.J…..Andy Samberg
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Operator…..Will Forte
Rabbi…..Fred Armsien
k.d. Lang…..Abby Elliott

[ open on a group of people leaving a single woman’s house party ]

Voice: See ya’!

Single Woman: Hey! Thanks again for dropping by my party, A.J.

A.J.: [ awkwardly ] Well… you have my e-mail — uh, if you want to send me that lemon bar recipe.

Single Woman: Cool. See ya’, A.J.

A.J.: Alright, bye.

Single Woman: Bye!

[ she closes her front door, turns on the alarm, and begins to pick up after the party ]

[ suddenly, the door handle jiggles and A.J. comes bursting through the door ]

[ the alarm goes off, as the woman screams ]

[ A.J. flees the scene, as the phone rings ]

Single Woman: Hello?!

Operator: This is Broadview Security. Is everything okay?

Single Woman: A nice guy who was at my party left, and then he broke in, like, twenty seconds later.

Operator: We’re on our way.

[ Spokesman steps in front of the camera ]

Spokesman: Are you a single woman who lives alone in a large, five-person house? Then you need Broadview Security.

[ show chart ]

Spokesman V/O: Studies show that if you’re a lady, most men want to kill you.

[ show computerized demonstration ]

Spokesman V/O: And with Broadview Security, you can have an alarm that makes loud noises, which will make those men run away through the bushes. At the same time, one of our male security professionals in a button-down shirt will be alerted immediately.

Operator: Don’t worry, Ma’am — help is on the way.

Spokesman: And she’ll need it. Because, like most women, she’s under the threat of constant home invasion, from EVERYONE she meets.

[ cut to single woman kissing her grandfather good night ]

Single Woman: Thanks again, Grandpa! I love these Sundays together.

[ cut to Grandpa bursting through the door, as the woman screams ]

Spokesman: It could happen. And so could any of these terrifying scenarios where men kick down your door. Men like:

Your rabbi!

[ the rabbi bursts through the door ]

k.d. Lang!

[ k.d. Lang bursts through the door ]

Or two boys dressed as a man!

[ two boys dressed like a man burst through the door ]

Spokesman: Luckily, none of these things will ever happen — if you get Broadview Security.

[ the spokesman bursts through the door ]

Spokesman: Get it, or get murdered!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts