[ dissolve to drawing of the word “UPS”, with drawings of a gift, the world, and a man’s head below it, as Andy Azula enters frame ]
Andy Azula: Alright, let’s talk about facts:
Did you know that, with UPS, you can ship your presents so they arrive Christmas morning? You can.
Did you know, with UPS, you can ship ANYWHERE in the world? It’s true.
And, did you know upS ads feature a man — [ he adds lines around the man’s face ] in a lady wig? And they can air up to eight times in a single football game? So much so, that you almost get used to it and start to enjoy it? [ he smiles ] Well, that’s true, too.
You see, this year — [ he points to each object drawn on the board ] UPS’s… gift… to the world… is me. [ he smiles ] A man in a lady wig! You’re welcome.
[ dissolve to slogan: “WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?” ]
Stepdaughter…..Blake Lively Salesman…..Will Forte Virginiaca Hastings…..Kenan Thompson Woman 1…..Abby Elliott
[Scene opens with shot from outside a New York Shopping Store. Up Beat music is playing.]
[Camera cuts to inside a high class clothes store.]
[The Stepdaughter is holding different types of skits to her waist to see if they look good]
[Stepdaughter is wearing a type of swimsuit with a pink coat]
Salesman: Ah? Can i help you? (In a confused toned)
Stepdaughter: How much this skirt be?
Salesman: Well Its Prada and Im almost certain its out of your price range.
Stepdaughter: Uh eh! You need to drop that attitude Im in no kind of mood for that. I need my Mama.
[The Stepdaughter throws the skirt back on the table and walk towards the store entrance]
Stepdaughter: MAMA! WHERE YOU IS GIRL?
[The stepdaughters mother Virginiaca Hastings comes rushing into the store out of breath and her arms are full of different store bags.]
Virginiaca Hastings: OH! OH! OH! WOAH! OH my godness! So many bags. I am overheating. What yall got to eat all up in here? Cause girl im about to take a paper towell to my under boobies.
Stepdaughter: Thats so Stope! So anyway Mama, Where have you been?
Virginiaca Hastings: I was just getting some gadiver samples you know.
Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me can you hold this bag for a second please?
[Virginiaca Hastings hands a shopping bag to a mannequin. Virginiaca Hastings releases the bag from her hand and it falls to the ground. ]
Virginiaca Hastings: (very insulted) Ah! Eh! What! Eh! Well excuse me? Its like that?You are just going to ignore me?
[The stepdaughter climbs up on the pedestal to be the same height as the headless mannequin]
Stepdaughter: OH NO Uh uh! Thats my mama OK! There is no need to be ignorant.
Virginiaca Hastings: You dont gots to be ignorant.
[The stepdaughter stops talking and looks at her stepmother with a smile on her face]
Stepdaughter: Oh! oh! Snap Mama. Thats a mannequin.
Virginiaca Hastings: OH! Girl you right. That IS a mannequin. Aint got no head. HAHA! No we didnt. We though you were a human.
Stepdaughter: You are very well lucky yous a mannequins. Cause I was about to say something… has got… to be dissed.
Virginiaca Hastings: Umm Humm! Come down here baby. Get some of these cattle chips.
[Virginiaca Hastings opens her very large purse. The stepdaughter reaches in and grabs some potato chips.]
Stepdaughter: Oh mama. Those chips are all kinds of tangy.
Virginiaca Hastings: THERE HAWAIIN STYLE!
Salesman: Oh Im sorry you cant eat in here.
Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me? I can do whatever i want. If i wanted to i could buy all this merchandise and use it as a Sham-Wow. Perhaps you heard of my husband? Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings. Which would make me Miss (sluring words) Hastings! Tadao!
[Virginiaca Hastings shows the salesman her left hand to prove her marriage to Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings]
Virginiaca Hastings: but you can call me Virginiaca.
Salesman: Uh thats ok. I will call you Mrs Hastings.
Virginiaca Hastings: Whats that? Did you say you wanted to see my breasts and pasties?
[Virginiaca Hastings walks towards the salesman]
Salesman: (in disgust) WHAT?
Virginiaca Hastings: Ok!
Salesman: NO!
Virginiaca Hastings: When?
Salesman: What?
Virginiaca Hastings: You nasty!
Stepdaughter: This my moms. You better stop trying to up into her goody snack.
Salesman: This is your mother?
Virginiaca Hastings: Well by marriage not vagina.
Salesman: I see. Charming. I will be over here.
[The Salesman walks away. The stepdaughter runs towards a Woman 1 who is looking a skirt. It seems that the stepdaughter has her eye set on the same skirt the Woman 1 is looking at.]
Stepdaughter: Oh mama look at this!
[The stepdaughter pulls the skirt from the Woman 1s hands and puts it up against herself to show her mother how she looks in it.]
Woman 1: EXCUSE ME!
Stepdaughter: Youre excused.
Virginiaca Hastings: OH girl, hold that up to you. Oooo that would be perfect for your booty rounds and rounds.
[Virginiaca Hastings starts to sing while the Stepdaughter starts to dance provocatively]
Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.
Stepdaughter: Say What?
Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.
Stepdaughter: Say What?
Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and Booty go round and Booty go round and round.
[Stepdaughter stops dancing]
Virginiaca Hastings: Yeah thats my baby
[The salesman comes back to the stepdaughter and Virginiaca Hastings]
Salesman: Please be carefull with that skirt. Its trimed with sharofsky crystals.
[Virginiaca Hastings starts to mumble with an insulted look on her face]
Stepdaughter: Moma! He dont want me to go do my booty go rounds and rounds
Virginiaca Hastings: What you mean about my baby cant do her booty go round and round?
Stepdaughter: You lucky my Popa aint up in here.
Virginiaca Hastings: Yes you are lucky. See Mr. Hastings is at home with his irratable bowle. I pass by the bathroom and had to use a whole bottle of Fabreze cause I couldnt Fabreath.
Stepdaughter: Like the song Thriller says The funk of 40 000 years
[Virginiaca Hastings lowers her head in respect of the death of Micheal Jackson]
Virginiaca Hastings: Micheal Jackson. Hes still with us. Hes still with us.
[The stepdaughter also lowers her head in respest of the death of Micheal Jackson.
Virginiaca Hastings: So how much for this sharofsky crystals skirt?
Salesman: $2,400.
Virginiaca Hastings: UmmHumm! OK I see. Baby want dont you run down to the lady Footlocker and get yourself some footies? Mamas got a do a little bargerain.
Stepdaughter: But Mama I dont need no footies.
Virginiaca Hastings: HUSH UP GIRL AND GET ON OUT OF HERE!
Salesman: Oh I will take that.
[The salesman leans over and take the skirt from the stepdaughter. Virginiaca Hastings pushes the stepdaughter out of the store.]
Virginiaca Hastings: UH OH! Did you hear that?
[Virginiaca Hastings puts down her bags and purse on a near by table]
Virginiaca Hastings: That was the sounds of my spanks splitting up the back end.
[Virginiaca Hastings stands to slowly dance towards the Salesman]
Virginiaca Hastings: OH! And did you hear THAT!
Salesman: (with a confused look) No.
Virginiaca Hastings: Well that was the sound of my G-String movin out the way. Look what you do to me. Oh now look at this!
[Virginiaca Hastings pushes everything off the table and then climbs on top. She gets on all fours on top of the table]
Virginiaca Hastings: Now I want you to image this.. bottom less and top less with just a belt on.
Salesman: Here Here you can have it. Just take it and go.
[Salesman hands over the skirt over to Virginiaca Hastings with a discusted look on his face]
Virginiaca Hastings: Are you sure? You good? Cause I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up.
Mr. Greenblatt…..Will Forte Mr. Aymong…..Jason Sudeikis Janelley…..Blake Lively
INTRO FROM EXTERIOR TO THE INSIDE OF AN OFFICE. YOU CAN SEE THE NASA COMPLEX THROUGH THE WINDOW IN BEHIND THE DESK.
Mr. Greenblatt: (Very friendly) On behalf of NASA I want to give you the warmest of welcomes.
Mr. Aymong: (A very gruff voice) Well, I thank you kindly, sir, for this opportunity. I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to be an astronaut!
Mr. Greenblatt: Well, soon enough we will see if your dreams will become a reality here at the NASA space program. Now, wait here, I’m gonna go get my NASA astronaut space test. It’s in the fridge. But before I go, I’m gonna ask that you don’t take any of these potato chips here (gestures to the bowl) because I’m super hungry, so I’m gonna go into the other room and I’m going to expect you to not touch any of those potato chips. (says potato in a funny pronunciation)
Mr. Aymong: (confidently) Your potato chips are safe in my presence!
Mr. Greenblatt: I thank you, sir.
[ Mr. Greenblatt gets up and scuttles to the door and leaves the office. Mr. Aymong begins to stare at the bowl of chips. He takes his hand and makes his fingers walk in a funny maner to the bowl. He pulls the bowl closer to himself. He grabs a chip and quickly puts it in his mouth. He chews rapidly and slides the bowl back to where it was. He dusts off his jacket and Mr. Greenblatt enters the office again. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: Well, I got that space test right…
[ Mr. Greenblatt stops mid sentence and stares at the bowl of chips on the desk. He quickly scuttles towards it and begins thumbing through the bowl counting quickly under his breath. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: Thirty four. (stares at Mr. Aymong as he sits down.) Thirty four! (yells to get Janelley’s attention) JANELLEY! Could you come in here, please!
[ Janelley enters the office and approaches Mr. Greenblatt. ]
Janelley: (In a quivery quiet voice) Yes, Mr. Greenblatt?
Mr. Greenblatt: Janelda, how many potato chips did you put in there today?
Janelley: Thirty five.
Mr. Greenblatt: (with conviction) I thought so. I thought so! Janelley, what would you say if I told you that that man right there is nothing but a common potato chip thief!
Janelley: (In an overdone scream of horror) AHHHHHHH! POTATO CHIP THIIIIIEEEEFFFFF!!!!
Mr. Aymong: (shocked) WHAT?!
Mr. Greenblatt: You have NO right!
Janelley: NO RIGHT!
Mr. Aymong: I did not come here to have my reputation asassinated!
Mr. Greenblatt: Then you shouldn’t have taken that potato chip!
Janelley: (Yells in support of Mr. Greenblatt to Mr. Aymong) You dont take people’s potato chips!!
Mr. Aymong: But I did nothing of the sort!
Mr. Greenblatt: (very seriously) That is between you and YOUR GOD! Now get the HELL outta HERE!
Mr. Aymong: I’m not going nowhere until I am an astronaut!
Mr. Greenblatt: (yelling louder than before) Well I got news for you! You are BlACKLISTED!
Mr. Aymong: (puzzled) Blacklisted?!
Janelley: (Screams) BLACKLISTED!
Mr. Aymong: (stiffly without moving) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Mr. Greenblatt: You will never be an astronaut!
Janelley: (yells) You don’t take people’s potato chips!!
Mr. Greenblatt: you will never stroll the moon in a puffy suit!
Mr. Aymong: (horrified) Don’t say it!!
Mr. Greenblatt: You will never drink Tang!
Mr. Aymong: Take it back!
Mr. Greenblatt: You will never pee in the absence of gravity!
Janelley: (In a stern voice) You don’t take people’s potato chips!
Mr. Aymong: (in protest) But I didn’t take that chip!
Mr. Greenblatt: (Gets up from his chair and points at Mr. Aymong) You sir are a LIAR!
Mr. Aymong: (stands up as well and yells with conviction) I AM NOT A LIAR!!
Mr. Greenblatt: (while climbing up onto the top of his desk) LIAR! (Janelley chimes in at the same time while putting her hands in Mr. Aymong’s face) LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!
Mr. Aymong: I am not! Please stop!!
Mr. Greenblatt: (Yelling very irately) ADMIT THAT YOU TOOK IT!!
Mr. Aymong: But I didn’t!
Mr. Greenblatt: (Becoming increasingly agitated) LIAR! ADMIT IT!
Mr. Aymong: (yells) BUT I DIDN’T!
Mr. Greenblatt: (at the climax of his anger) Be a man for the first time in your life! Admit to me that you took that potato chip! You liar! Open your mouth! Admit it!!!
Mr. Aymong: (with a broken spirit, he begins to cry) I took it. I took it! I took the potato chip!
[ Mr. Aymong sits back down with his hand on his face and is crying. ]
Mr. Aymong: (crying) Oh God! What have I done?! Oh God!!
Mr. Greenblatt: (smugly sits back down and talks in a confident maner) I knew it. (nods his head) I knew it.
Janelley: (approaches Mr. Aymong and says in a quiet but scalding voice) You don’t take people’s potato chips! (she walks back to where she was standing and stares at Mr. Aymong) You don’t take people’s potato chips!
Mr. Aymong: (crying) How can I make this right?
Mr. Greenblatt: (holds out his hand to Mr. Aymong) I believe you have something of mine.
[ Mr. Aymong stares at Mr. Greenblatt for a second. He then starts to make gagging noises with his mouth closed for a second or two. He then leans in towards Mr. Greenblat’s hand and vomits the remnants of the chip into Mr. Greenblatt’s palm. He sits back down. ]
[ Mr. Greenblatt stares intensly at Mr. Aymong then looks at his hand with the vomit in it. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: (proud) Welcome back.
Mr. Aymong: (starts to cheer up) Do you mean it?!
Mr. Greenblatt: (annoyed) I was talking to the potato chip!
[ Mr. Greenblat dumps the vomit into the bowl of chips. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: Thirty five! Janelda could you please show Mr. Aymong the door?
Janelley: (disgusted) Trash like that can show itself the door!
Mr. Aymong: (clears his throat) Well, this certainly did not end the way I had imagined it in my undry dreams. [ he starts to get up. ] So I will collect my hemorrhoid donut (picks it up from the chair) and bid you adieu!
[ He walks to the door and leaves the office. ]
Janelley: (very curiously) Mr. Greenblatt, why do people do things like that?
[ Mr. Greenblatt stands up and stares into the camera with conviction in his eyes. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: (With conviction) Because they’re hungry, Janelley. Because they’re hungry.
[ Mr. Greenblatt and Janelley are staring towards the camera. We see Mr. Aymong standing outside the office window staring in at them with his hemorrhoid donut firmly in his arm. ]
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen Tareq Salahi…..Bobby Moynihan Michaele Salahi…..Kristen Wiig Secret Service Agents…..Bill Hader, Will Forte, Nasim Pedrad Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, Lehigh Carbon Community College ]
[ SUPER: “Allentown, Pennsylvania – Friday December 4th” ]
President Barack Obama V/O: Good afternoon. And thank you! It’s good to be back in Pennsylvania!
[ dissolve to Obama behind a podium inside the college ]
President Barack Obama: Uh — I am grateful to have the opportunity, to speak to you today, about our economy. And I’m also grateful for the chance to get away from Washington, and its many distractions.
[ suddenly, Tareq and Michaele Salahi wander onto the stage and crash the speech ]
President Barack Obama: I just came from Allentown Metalworks, where I had the chance to visit with workers there. And, like so many others across America, these workers have been doing the very best they can, to stay afloat, in a brutal recession that has hit folks like them, hardest of all.
[ the Salahis post behind Obama, until, finally, Tareq takes out a camera and snaps Michaele’s picture as she leans against Obama’s backside ]
President Barack Obama: So! As we come to the end of this very tough year, I want to do something I haven’t had a chance to do, that often, during my first year in office.
[ Tareq and Michaele switch positions, as she snaps his picture while flexing an arm muscle behind Obama ]
President Barack Obama: And that is, to share some modestly encouraging news, on our economy. Today, the Labor Department released its monthly employment survey, and reported that the nation lost 11,000 jobs in November.
[ a Secret Service Agent enters the background, advising the Salahis to come forward but then he backs off ]
President Barack Obama: Which was about 115,000 fewer, than was forecast, and is about close to zero, from the perspective, of our overall economy.
[ a second Secret Service Agent enters with the first, demanding that he remove the Salahis from the stage ]
President Barack Obama: The unemployment rate ticked down, instead of up.
[ the first Secret Service Agent approaches the Salahis, then hands the camera over to the second Secret Service Agent and joins the Salahis for a candid photo ]
President Barack Obama: The report also found that we lost about 160,000 fewer jobs over the last two months, than previously thought. So, overall, this is the best jobs report that we’ve seen, since 2007. This is good news, just in time, for the season of hope.
[ the Salahis motion for the Secret Service Agents to switch position, as the first agent takes the camera and the second agent poses for the next photo with the Salahis ]
President Barack Obama: But, I do want to keep this in perspective. We’ve still got a long way to go. I consider one job, lost, one too many. And, as I said yesterday at a jobs conference in Washington, good trends don’t pay the rent
[ the Secret Service Agents exit the stage, as Tareq Salahi amuses himself and his wife by waving his hand up and down and changing the expression on his face ]
President Barack Obama: We’ve got to actually grow jobs, and get America, back to work, as quickly as we can.
[ a female Secret Service Agent enters with the first agent, holding up pictures of the Salahis with the word “NO” on them. He approaches the Salahis and walks them off stage. ]
President Barack Obama: Now, the journey from here, will not be without setbacks, or struggles. There may be gyrations in the months ahead. There are going to be some months, where the reports are worse.
[ the Salahis re-enter, wearing fake moustaches ]
President Barack Obama: But the trend line right now, is good. The direction is clear. When you think about, how this year began, even before I was sworn in, and we were losing 700,000 jobs a month. A month!
[ the Secret Service Agents re-appear, demanding that the Salahis come forward. Instead, they call Vice-President Joseph Biden up to the stage, who happily runs up to have his picture taken with them. ]
President Barack Obama: There are better days ahead. From the moment I was sworn into office, I began taking a number of difficult steps, to end this economic crisis. I did that, because they were necessary, to save our country from even greater catastrophe. We also took steps to unlock our frozen credit markets, so average Americans, could get the loans they needed, to buy a home, or a car, to go to college, or start a small business. We enacted measures —
[ Michaele Salahi taps Obama on the shoulder. He turns, surprised to see all these people standing on the stage behind him. She hands the camera to him as a personal favor. ]
President Barack Obama: Do you want me in it?
Michaele Salahi: Oh, no, no, no. Just take it.
President Barack Obama: Oh.
Michaele Salahi: Just take it, yeah.
[ they all make a crazy pose, as Obama snaps the picture ]
Michaele Salahi: Thank you.
[ Obama returns to face his audience ]
President Barack Obama: So… here’s the bottom line. I know that, times are tough —
[ the group looks at their photo, unsatisfied, so Michaele Salahi taps Obama’s shoulder again ]
Michaele Salahi: Just the head this time?
[ Obama snaps the picture a second time ]
Michaele Salahi: Thank you so much!
[ the crowd is excited at the results, and wander off the stage ]
President Barack Obama: I won’t rest until, things get better. And, in the spirit of that promise, I would just like to say:
[ Tareq and Michaele Salahi rush back on stage to share the moment with Obama ]
Together: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”
Blake Lively: Thank you so much! Thank you very much! It’s great to behere hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I love New York this time of year;there’s nothing like Christmas in the city. Today is the first day issnowed — so that’s why I wore my winter clothes.
[ Blake showcases her sexy short, strapless red satin dress to theaudience, who in turn, take a hearty laugh. ]
Blake Lively: It’s so exciting being here this week at 30 RockefellerCenter because they just had the Annual Tree Lighting. You can see itright out the window! In fact, let’s take a look at the tree right now…
[ CUT TO: LIVE ROOFTOP FEED ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE OUTSIDE 30 ROCK ]
Blake Lively: It’s beautiful! After the tree lighting ceremony, we went toa party. Aretha Franklin was there, Mayor Bloomberg? and I met the Muppets!
[ A couple members of the audience cheer. ]
Blake Lively: Oh yeah! Do they know how to party! The next day, Fozzie andGonzo sent me a series of inappropriate text messages. Word of advice –if you?re at a club at four in the morning, don?t give your number to a Muppet.
[ The Swedish Chef slides onto Home Base. ]
Swedish Chef: Bork, bork!”
Blake Lively: Oh? great! Hey, Swedish Chef!
[ Swedish Chef mutters gibberish. ]
Blake Lively: Yes, I got your text.
[ Swedish Chef mutters more gibberish. ]
Blake Lively: Yeah, I got the photo too. It took me a while to figure outwhat the photo was.
[ Swedish Chef laughs. Blake gives an uncomfortable laugh afterwards andstarts pushing him away. ]
Blake Lively: Yeah, it was great to see you again, but I really have toget going with the show now.
[ Swedish Chef stops Blake for a moment and delivers more gibberish. She sighs. ]
Blake Lively: Okay — you can tell one joke.
[ Swedish Chef delivers his gibberish. Blake rolls her eyes. ]
Blake Lively: Who?s there?
[ Swedish Chef garbles the same words. ]
Blake Lively: Smorgi Borg Who?
[ Swedish Chef utters a play on the words he’s been saying all along. ]
Blake Lively: That’s filthy!
[ Swedish Chef signals to the Blake?s stage right. ]
Fozzie: Wocka Wocka!
[ Fozzie, Beaker, Gonzo, and Animal come onto Home Base. ]
Gonzo: Why don’t we kick off the holiday season with a holiday song?
Blake Lively: I don’t know if we have time, guys.
[ Swedish Chef starts warbling to “White Christmas” in his dialect. ]
Blake Lively: No. Stop — please.
Fozzie: She’s right! We can?t get the rights to that!
[ Beaker starts “meeping” out of nervousness. Animal starts screaming forthe sake of it. ]
Blake Lively: Can you just pick a song and so we can get on with the show?
Gonzo: I get it! You don’t want us up here!
Fozzie: You may be pretty in person on the outside, but in the end, we’reall just the same on the inside — we all have a giant hand shoved up ourkeister to make us talk and move around!
Blake Lively: You’re the only ones who have that.
[ The Muppets faces turn from confidence to sad reality. ]
Fozzie: Wocka.
[ Fozzie takes a beat to ponder and hangs his head. ]
Fozzie: Wocka.
Gonzo: Come on guys! She doesn?t like us.
[ The Muppets make their way off Home Base. Blake drops her shoulders and sighs. ]
Blake Lively: No guys — wait. I’m sorry.
[ The Muppets stop and start to turn back to Home Base. ]
Blake Lively: In fact, I know one we can sing.
Gonzo: Really!? You mean it!?
Blake Lively: Yeah? why not? Swedish Chef?
[ Swedish Chef delivers his signature gibberish and looks up. Snow starts to fall. ]
Blake Lively: You got me snow!
[ Swedish Chef gibbers some more. Zoot and Janice appear next to him andbeing playing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”. ]
All: [singing] “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”
[ Animal screams the GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING lyric in screams. ]
All: [singing] “Peace on Earth and mercy mild”
[ Swedish Chef gibbers the GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED lyric. ]
Beaker: [singing] “Joyful, all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies With the angelic host proclaim: Christ is born in Bethlehem”
[ Beaker “meeps” the last two sentences. Swedish Chef leads everyone tosing GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING in his gibberish. ]
Blake Lively: We have a great show! Rihanna is here!
[ Animal creeps up behind Blake and screams. She’s startled. ]
Blake Lively: So stick around! We?ll be right back!
Tony Blaze…..Fred Armisen Chris Hansen…..Bill Hader Phillip Seymour Hoffman…..Jason Sudeikis Keanu Reeves…..Andy Samberg Cher…..Blake Lively Guards…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan
[ open on MSNBC logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching MSNBC. It’s kind of like NBC, but with MS.
[ dissolve to still photos of Chris Hansen in action ]
Announcer: Up next: You’ve seen him grill suspects on “To Catch A Predator”, and “To Catch A Predator Raw”. Now stay tuned for the brand new series from Chris Hansen.
[ dissolve to talk show set, with Latin-flavored theme music ]
Tony Blaze: From MSNBC Studios on New York, it is “Late Night with Chris Hansen”! Tonight, Chris welcomes: actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman! Actor/activist Keanu Reeves! Music legend and pop culture mainstay Cher! And me! I am Tony Blaze! and, without further ado, let’s welcome our first guest: Phillip Seymour Hoffman!
[ Phillip Seymour Hoffman enters the set, where no host awaits him. Confused, Hoffman looks around, then finally takes a seat on the couch. He glances at a plate of cookies on the desk, and casually grabs one, as Chris Hansen steadfastly enters the set. ]
Chris Hansen: Can I get you a glass of milk?
[ surprised by the invasion, Hoffman gets up to leave ]
Chris Hansen: No, no, no, no! Sit down! [ Hoffman sits ] I just want to talk. You and I are gonna talk.
Blake Lively: Thanks to Rihanna! Young Jeezy! The wonderful cast! Lorne Michaels! Steve and ??, for getting out of work this week to be here! Thank you!
Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis Greg Stink…..Will Forte Donna Saint Louis…..Kristen Wiig Michelle Rayburn-Gene…..Blake Lively
[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic. Come on, man… go talk to your wife and kids!
Pete Twinkle V/O: If you’re looking for hard rolling, lady bowling action — you’re in the right place! It’s the Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament! And today’s match-up is one for the ages! Featuring Donna Saint Louis! And rookie sensation “The Jackhammer”: Michelle Rayburn-Gene!
[ dissolve to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]
Pete Twinkle: Good evening! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, boy oh boy, can this guy make one HELL of a pulled pork sandwich — Greg Stink!
Greg Stink: [ nasally ] Ah, thanks, Pete! It’s our fifth anniversary in the booth, and I got a present for ya’ — it’s a bracelet! — I’ll give it to ya’ later, it’s in my duffle!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, that’s real sweet of ya’! Why don’t we meet tonight’s players?
[ reveal Donna Saint Louis squeezing her fingers together ]
Pete Twinkle: Up first, we’ve got Donna Saint Louis! Now, Greg, correct me if I’m wrong, but, uh, hasn’t Donna been undefeated since mid-April?
Greg Stink: [ smiling like a jackass ] Haw haw, I don’t know!
Pete Twinkle: Okay, well, she has.
Greg Stink: Oh, good!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] But “The Jackhammer”, Michelle Rayburn-Gene, has taken the lead by storm!
[ reveal Michelle Rayburn-Gene spraying her hair and squatting ]
Pete Twinkle: Look at this! Movie star looks with an arm that cooks! And there’s a clever use of the hair dryer right there. Now, Greg, she got the nickname “The Jackhammer” because she throws the ball so gosh-darn hard! Have you ever seen someone so young throw so hard?
Greg Stink: Oh, I suuuure have!
Pete Twinkle: Well, do you remember any names, or specifics as to where?
Greg Stink: Come to think about it, I’m not sure! I’m gonna retract that statement! I’m NOT sure if I’ve seen someone throw that hard!
Pete Twinkle: Oh, alright! Well, don’t beat yourself up about it!
Greg Stink: Well, if I remember it, Il’l let ya’ know!
Pete Twinkle: Okay, you just keep us posted, buddy! [ he laughs ] A little SHOUT-OUT to our sponsor! Vagisil! When you get a surprise, between your thighs — Vagisil! Now, Greg, let me ask you something: How does a lady bowler get to this point?
Greg Stink: Well, if they don’t bathe enough… if they wear the same bowling pants over and over again, genetics —
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, Greg, I’m sorry, that’s my fault! That’s my fault. I, uh — I wasn’t about why someone would need to use a great product like Vagisil! I meant, how does someone become a professional bowler?
Greg Stink: Aw, NO IDEA!! [ he laughs ] Probably a long process…
Pete Twinkle: Hmm, yeah, I bet that’s true! [ he laughs ] Alright! Vagisil! When dryness lingers, get some cream on those fingers! Vagisiiiil! Okay, it looks like Donna Saint Louis is up first!
[ cut to Donna throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]
Pete Twinkle: Here she rolls — oh, look at that form! Great form! There’s the ball… [ she rolls a strike ] OH! And it’s a STRIKE!! Look at that! How about that, Greg! What a start, huh!
Greg Stink: Pete, she’s gotta be careful here —
Pete Twinkle: Oh, Greg, now why is that?
Greg Stink: Well, two more strikes and she is OUT of there!
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no… Now, hold on, Greg. I — you know, I think you’re thinking about baseball.
[ he laughs loudly ] Yeah, you’re probably right! I DO NOT know this game! It is an ABSOLUTE mystery to me!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, one thing that’s not a mystery is the quality of Vagisil! VAGISIL!! I scream, you scream… we ALL scream for vagina cream! [ extended beat ] VAG-I-SIL!! Let’s get back to the game! “The Jackhammer” is up!
[ cut to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, here she comes… tiny steps. Look at that big throw. There it is! Anything can happen…
[ gutter ball ]
Pete Twinkle: Ohhhh, no! Oh, not the outcome she was looking for…
[ furious, Michelle grabs a bowling ball and throws it across the air ]
Pete Twinkle: And this is where the TEMPER comes out!!
[ the bowling bowl bounces across the guys’ booth ]
Pete Twinkle: Wha–? That was a — that was a BALL, Greg!
Greg Stink: Oh, I thought it was a bird!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] What! What are you watching, buddy?
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I don’t know!
Pete Twinkle: Now, Greg, how does she get out of this mess?
Greg Stink: Well, I think the instructions are on the back of the tube —
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, no, no! No, Greg! Greg, I’m sorry about that! I was talking about the, uh, SPARE! You know — how should a rookie deal with this on her second roll?
Greg Stink: OH! She gets a second roll!
Pete Twinkle: Ho, man! Greg Stink — best color man in the biz! Alright, let’s go back down on the floor and see if she can’t pick up that spare!
[ return to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]
Pete Twinkle: “The Jackhammer” has a very unique toss in this type of situation. There it is, the windmill! And giving baby to what looks like a… A SPARE!! She got it!! Celebrating with her signature Jackhammer Shuffle! Look at that! Ho-ho-ho, man! The crowd loves it! Absolutely wonderful! You ever seen that before?
Greg Stink: Now, how much longer is this gonna take?
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Why, Greg? You gotta be somewhere?
Greg Stink: Yeah! Saturday morning, like every cartoon in the book is on!
Pete Twinkle: Ha! Greg, I’ve always wanted to ask you something: What’s the highest level of education you’ve completed?
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I’ll never tell! My lips are sealed!
Pete Twinkle: Oh. yeah? Speaking of sealed lips — VAGISIL!! We’ll be right back!
