For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 15
97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia
Goodnights
…..Scott Wolf
Scott Wolf: I’d like to say a huge “Thank You!” to a wonderful Natalie Imbruglia! Lorne Michaels, and an amazing cast and crew for a great week! Thank you very much!
[ Ana Gasteyer leans in to hug Scott Wolf; Molly Shannon gets a hug in, too ]
[ Jim Breuer kisses Natalie Imbruglia on the cheek, then proceeds to goof in a spastic manner for her amusement ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 15
97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia
The Lost Deep Thoughts
[Mellow music, piano and synth. Bushes sway in the day breeze.]
Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.
Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text]
For me, the worst thing
about having King Kong
walk down your street
is that kids could look up
and see the giant genitalia.
[Fade out]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 15
97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia
Breath Spray Plus
Woman…..Ana Gasteyer
Mugger…..Will Ferrell
Carjacker…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on women hurrying about the city ]
Female Announcer: You’re a woman on the go.
[ show woman spill the contents of her purse on the sidwalk ]
Female Announcer: And you don’t have time for all that clutter in your purse.
[ Woman holds up product to camera ]
Female Announcer: So get Breath Spray Plus. [ she slides the numerous contents to the floor, using product as a sweeper ] And get rid of the clutter.
[ cut to Woman at a one-on-one business meeting at a round table ]
Female Announcer: Breath Spray Plus is all you’ll need when you step out the door. Because Breath Spray Plus combines two functions in one – it’s a refreshing minty breath spray. [ she leans under table to spray her breath, then smiles at the camera ]
[ cut to a Mugger grabbing for her i the night, as she quickly sprays mace in his eyes ]
Female Announcer: Plus, a powerful chemical spray, used to ward off attackers.
[ show switch on side of product ]
Female Announcer: The key is the dual-action switch. It’s simple. When the switch is on Aqua, you’re ready to fight bad breath. [ she sprays her breath ] And when it’s on Sea Green, you’re ready to spray an assailants eyes with a burning chemical that will cause him to vomit and convulse. [ she sprays a Carjacker’s eyes, and he stumbles back onto the street in pain ]
[ close-up of product reveals fingers moving the switch back and forth ]
Female Announcer: You just have to remember that each time you use Breath Spray plus, the setting reverses because of the complicated spring mechanism. And also keep in mind that the setting may reverse from Aqua to Sea Green, or Sea Green to Aqua after going through X-ray machines or store security monitors. Plus, the setting may be affected by temperature changes, loud noises, microwave ovens and lunar cycles.
[ show hands fidgeting with a switch conversion chart and calculator ]
Female Announcer: With the handy Breath Spray Plus switch conversion chart, you can be certain all tabulations are easily calibrated, with only a five-percent margin of error.
[ Woman sprays her breath, smiles for the camera, then drives off in a red convertible ]
Female Announcer: Breath Spray Plus. It’s a simple solution for a complicated world.
[ cut to eye drops product ]
Male Announcer: Also available: Eye Drops Plus. Flushes out irritated eyes and emits a thousand-volt shock to stun attackers!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 15
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
March 7th, 1998
Scott Wolf
Natalie Imbruglia
None Larry King liveSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) defends his scandal accusations on “Larry King (Norm MacDonald) Live”, a difficult task considering he has sixteen accusers to face via satellite, and they’re all talking at once!
Recurring Characters: Larry King, President Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky.
Transcript
Montage
Scott Wolf’s MonologueSummary: New Jersey audience members (Jim Breuer, Darrell Hammond, Cheri Oteri) pester Scott Wolf with the local slang during his monologue.
Bio: Scott Wolf (1968-) got his role on “Party of Five” after Jerry O’Connell pulled out to star in “Sliders.”
Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) applies for a waitress position at TGIFriday’s.
Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
The Celine Dion ShowSummary: Self-proclaimed best singer in the world, Celine Dion (Ana Gasteyer) hosts her own talk show as a front to act superior in front of other female musical performers.
Recurring Characters: Celine Dion, Mariah Carey.
Party of FiveSummary: In a preview of next week’s “Party of Five”, the Salinger clan is thrown for a loop by the presence of a black man (Tracy Morgan) who thinks he’s part of the family.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Heavy metal singer Gunner Olsen (Jim Breuer) uses heavy metal lyrics to help younger viewers understand events in the news.
Recurring Characters: Gunner Olsen.
Transcript
Natalie Imbruglia performs “Torn”Bio: Australian-born Natalie Imbruglia (1975-) starred in the Aussie soap opera “Neighbours” before moving London and pursuing a singing career.
Lyrics
The 3rd Annual Reenactment AwardsSummary: Robert Stack (Darrell Hammond) hosts an awards show for actors who perform re-enactments in made-for-TV movies.
The Spartan CheerleadersSummary: After watching “Titanic” 80 times, Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) are so obsessed that they don’t even pay attention to Scott Wolf.
Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.
IssuesSummary: Pot-obsessed Jeff (Jim Breuer) and his nervous, straight-laced cousin Randy (Scott Wolf) talk issues with library official (Ana Gasteyer).
Recurring Characters: Jeff.
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: The worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street.
Transcript
TroubadoursSummary: From opposite sides of the campus courtyard, two guitar-playing troubadours (Scott Wolf, Chris Kattan) woo co-eds (Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer) with covers of old 70’s tunes.
Breath Spray PlusSummary: Works as a breath spray and mace, with the flick of a switch.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Old French Whore!
Don Barbrell…..Will Ferrell
Kevin Rheaume…..Chris Kattan
Babette…..Cheri OTeri
Jason Rhaims…..Tim Meadows
Simone…..Molly Shannon
Denise Kirk…..Ana Gasteyer
Coco…..Garth Brooks
[ Title Card showing Frances blue, white and red colors ]
[ V/O : Hey everybody its time to play ( simultaneously with V/O crowd): Old.. French.. Whore! ]
[ SUPER : Old French Whore! ]
[ Shot : Set of Old French Whore game show ]
[ V/O : And now, heres the host of “Old French Whore” Dooooon Barbrell! ]
Don Barbrell : Thank you! Hi everybody and welcome to “Old French Whore”. The game show that lets old French whores team up with high school honor students to win fabulous prizes! Lets meet our contestants! On the blue team we have Kevin Rheaume of Lansing Michigan! Kevin is a senior at East Lansing High School where hes a proud member of the marching band!
Kevin: Hey Don!
Don Barbrell : Kevin your partner today is a 48 year old prostitute from Marseilles named Babette! Babette I heard you had a funny thing happened to you, uh, on the way to the studios.
Babette : [ With French accent ] Yes, a sailor broke my arm!
Don Barbrell : Ouch! Okay. Well! Good luck today! On the white team we have Jason Rhaims, a high school junior from Richmond Virginia, who loves computers! Hey Jason!
Jason : Hi!
Don Barbrell : Jason your partner is Simone Heques, a 59 year old syphilitic from Québec. Hi Simone!
Simone: Jai besoin dun fix! (I need a fix!)
Don Barbrell : Great! Okay! And finally on the red team we have Denise Kirk from Crystal Lake High. She was part of Ohios all-state swim team and shes active in recycling! Good for you!
Denise : Thanks Don!
Don Barbrell : Denise you must be excited because youre paired with our returning champion, shes 67, and was once the personal concubine of Rommel, say hello to Coco!
Coco : [ With French accent ] Hello Don.
Don Barbrell : Allo! Allo! Lets take a look at our categories, todays categories are U.S Presidents Science Fun . and Les Maladies Vénériales! (Venereal Diseases) Coco and Denise choose a category!
Denise : “U.S Presidents” for 200 Don!
Don Barbrell : Okay, “Who was Thomas Jeffersons Vice-president?” [ Jason hits his buzzer ] Jason and Simone!
Jason : John Adams? [ “wrong answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : No [ Babette hits her buzzer ] Kevin and Babette!
Babette : You are sexy! You come with me we have sexy good time! [ “wrong answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : Incorrect! [ Denise hits her buzzer ] Denise and Coco! [Coco murmurs at Denise ear ]
Denise : Aaron Burr? [ “good answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : Correct! [ Denise and Coco kiss each other ] Choose again! Very nice!
Coco : “Maladies Vénériales” for 200 please.
Don Barbrell : Okay, “When dealing with itchy red bumps– [ Babette hits her buzzer ] Babette!
Babette : Crabs! Kiss crabs! [ “wrong answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : No, sorry. Listen to the entire question. “When dealing with itchy red bumps, what kind of ointment — [ Coco hits her buzzer ] Coco!
Coco : Calamine lotion and penicillin? [ “good answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : That is correct! Choose again!
Coco : Hem, Lets go for “Science Fun” for 300 please.
Don Barbrell : Okay, “What is the atomic symbol for Chromium?” [ Jason hits his buzzer ] Jason and Simone!
Jason : [ Simone is all over him ] Shes making me really uncomfortable.
Simone : Ohhhh Tu es un beau garcon. Donnez-moi largent. [ Simone puts her hands in Jasons pockets ]
Jason : Hey!
Simone : Donnez-moi largent
Jason : Come on!
Simone : Donnez-moi!
Jason : No!
Simone : Tu es très beau Je taime! (Youre good-looking boy, give me the money, give me, give me, youre handsome, I love you.)
Jason : Listen I want a new partner sir. She smells like whisky and feet!
Don Barbrell : Is that your answer?
Jason : Get off me Maam! [ “wrong answer” sound. Kevin hits his buzzer ]
Don Barbrell : Kevin and Babette!
Kevin : I think my whore is dead.
Don Barbrell : Okay well have to check with the judges at the end of the round on that! Denise and Coco its up to you! Once again “What is the atomic symbol for Chromium?”
Denise : I, I, I dont know!
Coco : Dont be silly. The symbol for Chromium is CR. It was discovered by Vauquelin in 1797. Its atomic weight is fifty-one, nine, nine, six. [ “good answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : That is correct! Well played Coco!
Denise : That is awesome! How did you know that?
Coco : Little girl, I was not always like this. No [ drama music, lights dim, Denise get a few feet away from Coco who speaks to the crowd ] Once I was beautiful and young like you! I wanted to be a great chemist but in those days, it was not proper for a young lady. So I ran away far from home and thought I would run to a new country, where girls could be whatever they whish to be. But I never found that place, and before I knew it I was leaning in the public parks, pleasing factory workers for money [ wipes her lips, music ends ]
Don Barbrell : [ nods at Coco ] All right! Well, Coco youre our big winner again today with 700 dollars cash and the chance to come back tomorrow and win a Chevy Cavalier! [ Kevin hits his buzzer, while Simone sings a French love song ]
Kevin : My whore is definitely dead.
Don Barbrell : Well see you tomorrow everybody on?
[ SUPER : Old French Whore! ]
V/O Crowd : Old!.. French!.. Whore!
[ Fade out ]
Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
…..Colin Quinn
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Garth Brooks
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Helloooo-ho! Thank you, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. [exhales]
Rocker Tommy Lee was jailed Wednesday after allegedly attacking his wife, Pamela Lee. Pamela has gotten an emergency restraining order saying that Tommy isn’t allowed within five feet of her…and his penis isn’t allowed within 50 feet of her.
Illness prevented Barbara Streisand from performing a duet with Celine Dion at the Grammy Awards this week. At the last minute, Streisand developed a violent allergic reaction to sharing the spotlight.
Also at the Grammys, Shawn Colvin’s speech was interrupted by a rapper named Ol’ Dirty Bastard. He was charged with two counts of public disturbance and one count of stealing the President’s Secret Service code name. [applause] Now, did you see this guy? Who would think a guy named Ol’ Dirty Bastard would start trouble? I guess in the long run, it was all worth it just to hear Dan Rather say the phrase “ol’ dirty bastard.”
The news that came out this morning on the Clinton sex scandal is that the White House may admit that Clinton kissed Monica Lewinsky, but nothing else happened. “We just kissed.” Great. All those Washington minds and the best they can come up with is the same excuse I gave my girlfriend when I was 15 and I came home from the class trip with a hickey on my neck. Bill, it didn’t work for me n – then, and it’s not gonna work for you now.
A Christmas card signed by John F. Kennedy days before his assassination was sold at an auction this week for 11,000 dollars. Meanwhile, Sotheby’s auction house is still trying to unload a box of Ted Kennedy’s “Sorry I Threw Up at Your Kid’s Christening” cards. [cheers and applause] You know…it’s gotten so bad that Ted Kennedy is a reference for drunkenness even among the Kennedys. They sit around, “This guy was drunker than Ted Kennedy. Sorry, Uncle Ted. It’s a figure of speech, Uncle Ted.” “No, I understand, guys.”…That was me doing Ted and…someone named Kennedy.
Ash Wednesday was this week, signifying the start of Lent, a 40-day period of fasting and repentance. In an effort to be more current, the Catholic Church now officially refers to Lent as “March Madness.”
According to a European Union study, the Irish are reproducing six times faster than the rest of Europe. Yeah, of course! Hey, you try to put on a condom after eight pints of Guinness! [some applause]
In Pakistan, three men who were convicted of sodomy were allowed to live after surviving the execution method of having a brick wall fall on them. The sentence had been imposed by supreme leader Wile E. Coyote.
Mayor Giuliani is closing all the New York strip clubs. Now, if you want to see naked people dancing in New York, you have to ride the subway like everybody else.
“Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” turned 30 years old this week. The groundbreaking show was the first to teach young boys that it is okay to be friends with a man in a sweater that lives alone. [applause and cheers]…Ah!
Prison guards in California are accused of pitting inmates against each other and holding gladiator-style fights for the guards’ amusement. The prison officers now face criminal charges and a possible TV production deal from FOX.
Three Japanese businessmen checked into a Tokyo hotel this week and hanged themselves because they were in debt. They had to go to a hotel to hang themselves? See, that’s what’s wrong, no wonder they’re in debt. They could’ve hung themselves at home for free.
A drunken Anna Nicole Smith crashed a bar mitzvah in Beverly Hills. The former Playboy model proceeded to dance with the bar mitzvah boy until she was dragged away. She later returned and married the young man in hopes of inheriting his 300 dollars in savings bonds.
A bearded woman and her companion were shot to death this Tuesday at a karaoke bar by a man who was upset that the woman wouldn’t leave with him….I don’t know what’s more depressing: that the guy killed two people, or that he was trying to pick up a chick with a beard…or that he was at a karaoke bar on a Tuesday night….The man was charged with murdering two people and a couple of Sinatra tunes.
Henny Youngman…Henny Youngman, King of the One-Liners, passed away this week…earlier this week, at the age of 92. Mr. Youngman had been ill for some time. Last September, doctors gave him three months to live. When they found out he couldn’t pay his bill, they gave him three months more. [applause and cheers]
And now, joining us again, Lilith Fair stand-up comedian Cinder Calhoun!
[pan over to Cinder]
Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um…I’m not really your, quote, “garden variety,” uh, unquote, stand-up. I really consider myself more of a free-form comedic artisan…so…
Colin: Oh!
Cinder: …you should, yeah, you should probably put that in your pipe.
Colin: Okay!
Cinder: So…
Colin: So what have you been up to lately?
Cinder: Um, well…actually, while Lilith has been on hiatus, I got a gig doing crowd warm-up for Farm Aid IX in [exaggerated Spanish accent] San Antonio, Texas…and…Paula Cola – Cole came to check out my set, and I had just rocked the house with a hilarious Aboriginal fertility joke. Um, I just told the classic about the shaman, the midwife, and the Zulu warrior all trapped in a menstrual pit. Um, I know we all know it, so I won’t bore anyone. [Colin laughs] But I was walking offstage, and I walked smack into a solid wall of pure earth-tilling heartland muscle that goes by the name of Garth Brooks. [cheers] Yeah. There we are. I mean….I turn to Paula Cole, and I just go, [singing] “Now I know where all the cowboys have go-o-ooone…” The three of us were dying, it was so funny, it was unbelievable. Anyway, um, he told me that he’d join me here tonight, so I’m really honored to have him.
[Cheers and applause for Garth Brooks. Garth joins Cinder with his guitar. Cinder grabs her guitar underneath the desk.]
Garth Brooks: Thanks, um, uh…what are we gonna sing tonight?
Cinder: Um…actually, Garth, um…there’s a reason I brought you here tonight.
Garth: Yeah, I know, but um…what is it?
Cinder: Um…it’s just…um…I don’t mean to…I’ve had partners of all shapes and sizes, but, when I met you, Eros whispered in my ear, and Sappho high-tailed it back to ‘Frisco. Um…what I’m trying to tell you, um…well, I wrote a song about it for you, and I hope you’ll join me on it. It’s called “Adonis in Blue Jeans.”
[lights dim as the song begins with Cinder and Garth playing their guitars]
I’m a wandering troubadour
Never thought I’d want a home with a hearth.
But then a tall drink of denim walked into my life,
And now I’m in love with Garth!
[Garth becomes shocked and uncomfortable for the rest of the song]
You’re my Astro-cowboy, you’re the yang to my yin.
Garth:
It’s an awkward position that you’re putting me in!
Cinder:
I want to marry Garth,
settle on a farm, till the land until we’re eighty!
Garth:
Thank you, ma’am, but I’m already married to a much more attractive lady. [brief applause]
Cinder:
You’re my Adonis in blue jeans!
Garth:
I don’t know what that word means!
Cinder:
You’re made to boogie, while I meditate!
Garth:
you make tabbouleh while I meditate/You just mentioned two things that I hate!
Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!
Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!
Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!
Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!
Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!
Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!
Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!
Garth:
She’s in love with Gar…
Cinder and Garth: …ar…aaaarrrrth!
[end of the song; cheers and applause as lighting returns to normal]
Cinder: So will you be my life partner?
Garth: No!
Colin: Mr. and Mrs. Garth Brooks, everybody!
Garth: [angry and annoyed] Oh, come on!
Colin: Come on! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
[fade to black]
Loew’s Previews
Wife…..Molly Shannon
Husband…..Garth Brooks
Black Man in Rear of Theater…..Tracy Morgan
Angry Man…..Will Ferrell
Disturbed Man…..Jim Breuer
[ open on exterior, Loew’s Theatre presentation of “Sphere” ]
[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]
Wife: Oh boy, I am looking forward to this.
Husband: Yeah, you know, they say the guy who wrote “Jurassic Park” wrote this.
Wife: Mmm.. and I hear Sharon Stone is excellent!
[ lights are lowered ]
Husband: Hey, it’s starting!
Wife: Great! I hope they have some good previews.
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
and enjoy the show!
Previews Announcer: Coming this Spring from Tri-Star Pictures..
[ Husband’s eyes widen in excitement as he watches the preview ]
In a land where there is no daylight, fire is a way of life.
Husband: Ooh, this looks good!
Clint Eastwood: Burn, baby, burn!
Previews Announcer: “The Fire King”.
Husband: Man, I love Eastwood! I’m definitely going to see that one!
[ bouncy music surrounds next preview ]
Previews Announcer: Meet Diane Carvenal. She’s got just two days to learn how to juggle, or she’ll lose custody of her only son.
[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]
Shelley Long is: “My Mom, The Mime”. Rated R.
Husband: That looks awful. How do movies like that get made?
Wife: I know what you mean..
Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ exubirant ] That looked funny!
Wife: Boy, you know, I really wish they would just hurry up with the movie.
Husband: Oh, here it is. I think it’s starting.
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
20 more minutes of previews.
Wife: [ groans ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]
[ SUPER: “Twenty Minutes Later” ]
[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]
Previews Announcer: And this cop doesn’t have a badge or a gun, because he’s not a cop. John Ratzenberger is.. “Not-a-Cop”.
Wife: Well, that should be about it..
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
You’ve been very patient
so here’s more previews!
Husband: Oh, come on!
Angry Man: Start the movie!
Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ overjoyed ] Yeah, more previews!
Previews Announcer: Joe Nukem just found out he has terminal cancer. That means he only has 24 hours left – to rock!
[ Music Pot: “Panama”, Van Halen ]
Wife: Oh, come on! Now that is just poor taste!
Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ laughing ] He got sunglasses on!
Previews Announcer: Hal Linden and Shelley Long star in.. “Panama”.
Husband: Hey, look, it’s been, like, over 30 minutes. You want to get out of here?
Wife: Let’s go.
Husband: Come on.
[ stand up and race to exit doors ]
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Don’t think about leaving
The doors are locked from the outside!
Husband: What?!
Wife: Come on, they can’t be serious..
Disturbed Man: [ trying to force open the locked doors ] It’s true! We’re locked in here!
Wife: Oh, my God!
Previews Announcer: Shelley Long has just met the man of her dreams. The only problem? He’s a puppet!
[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]
Wife: You already used that song!
[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]
[ SUPER: “Two Hours Later” ]
[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]
Previews Announcer: See the award-winning film from Pakistan – “Vendetta of Ganesh”. Starring Shelley Long.
Wife: God, why are there so many Shelley Long movies?! I’m getting really thirsty..
Husband: My cell phone won’t work, either. They’re jamming it..
Black Man in Rear of Theater: These previews are hilarious!
[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]
[ SUPER: “The Next Day” ]
[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]
[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]
Wife: Water! I need water!
Husband: I’m sorry, I’ve got some melted ice.
Wife: Please! Give it to me, then!
Angry Man: Hey, I found half a box of Junior Mints!
Disturbed Man: Give me those, you son of a bitch!
Previews Announcer: Rhea Perlman is Shelley Long, in “The Shelley Long Story”.
[ movie patrons start to tear Man apart, limb for limb ]
Angry Man: Owwww!! Owww!! They’re tearing me apart!
[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]
[ SUPER: “A Month Later” ]
[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]
Husband V/O: Dear Diary: It’s been 32 days now. Helen has clearly gone insane..
Wife: [ hysterical ] Shelley Long has died for your sins, you sons of bitches!!
Husband V/O: Still, the previews won’t stop..
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Drink your urine and sleep
underneath your seats!
Disturbed Man: [ angry at Black Man smiling in back row ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! He won’t stop smiling!
Husband: Come on, man, leave him alone!
Disturbed Man: [ beats Black Man with Man’s detached arm ] Stop smiling! [ face widens in horror ] Oh, God.. Oh, God..
Husband: What is it?
Disturbed Man: He’s got no lower half! He’s eaten his own legs!
[ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ]
Previews Announcer: And now, our Feature Presentation.
[ everyone smiles and returns to their seats, as the movie begins and the scene fades ]
Who’s More Grizzled?
Jim Greer…..Norm MacDonald
Wayne….Robert Duvall
Tate Mitchum…..Garth Brooks
Prize Keeper…..Jim Breuer
Jim Greer: Hello, everyone! I’m Jim Greer, and it’s time once again for “Who’s More Grizzled?” the game show that finds out who is the roughest, toughest, most hardbitten old-timer around, so let’s bring out our contestants. He is our returning champion.. [ audience applauds as Wayne enters ] Yes, you have some fans in the audience, Wayne. You are a former sharecropper and a World War II veteran who hails rom Adler, Mississippi. So, what are you up to these days, Wayne?
Wayne: I mostly been huntin’ and whittlin’.
Jim Greer: Well, that is great. Now, let’s meet your opponent, he worked on an offshore oil rig until he broke his back, now he is a prospector. Please welcome Tate Mitchum! [ Tate walks out ] Welcome, Tate, and it looks like Wayne has his work cut our for him, because you, sir, are extremely grizzled!
Tate Mitchum: [ stares ] I don’t much care for you.
Jim Greer: A lot of people don’t – save it for the game! Let’s get started. The categories are: “War”, “Hard Times”, “Bear Attacks”, “Ailments”, “Dead Wives”, and finally “Coal Mining”. And, Wayne, as the returning champion, you pick first.
Wayne: I don’t much cotton to these computers today.
Jim Greer: You are good! As always, I’ll pick for you. Let’s try “Ailments”. The question is: “How things treatin’ ya?”
Wayne: I can’t complain. My leg hurts, it means it’s bound to rain. Wish them doctors at the VA could get that shrapnel out of my shoulder.
Jim Greer: That is correct! And, my, you are grizzled. It’s still your board, Wayne.
Wayne: A lot of people don’t know I was the first man to get a team of horses up Bear Mountain!
Jim Greer: [ pause ] Let’s go with “War!” The question is: “Grandpa, tell me a story.” [ Tate buzzes in ] Tate!
Tate Mitchum: I was separated from our unit, came across a bunch of Germans asleep a field. Bayonetted every last one of them! Didn’t find out ’til later the war had been over for a week.
Jim Greer: Very nice, Tate!
Tate Mitchum: When I was your age, I didn’t call my seniors by their Christian name!
Jim Greer: Well, I’m sorry, sir.
Tate Mitchum: Keep it, boy, I’ll take a strap to ya!
Jim Greer: I wish I could give you points for that grizzled exchange, but I can’t. Let’s go to “Dead Wives”. The question is: “Life’s hard, isn’t it?”
Wayne: Damn right it is, Sonny! I lost Adeline in childbirth 40 years ago! Every Spring, when the dogwoods bloom and the foals take a first step, I think of the way she.. [ buzzer ]
Jim Greer: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. No, no that wasn’t grizzled, that was wistful. [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum, you can take a commanding lead here!
Tate Mitchum: I’ve buried wives, but a father should never bury a son. It was the flood of ’52, we were all caught on the levee, but.. I don’t want to talk about this no more.
Wayne: Yes! Yes, that is the answer! Well, now, you know what time it is? It’s time for the Grizzled Speed Round! This is your chance to catch up, Wayne. One minute, $200 a question, let’s begin. Money! [ Wayne buzzes in ]
Wayne: I don’t believe in banks, I keep my earnings in a coffee can!
Jim Greer: Correct! Government! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!
Tate Mitchum: They oughtta keep their damn noses out of people’s business!
Jim Greer: That’s right! Higher Education! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!
Wayne: Never had much cause for book larnin’!
Jim Greer: Yes! Immigration! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!
Tate Mitchum: Got a strong back, we can use you!
Jim Greer: Correct! Religion! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!
Wayne: The day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn’t.
Tate Mitchum: Damn.. you are grizzled..
Jim Greer: We have a winner, and still champion – Wayne Little! Wayne, let’s take a look and see what you’ve won!
Prize Keeper: You have won some salted meats and a bottle of Rebel Yell!
Jim Greer: Thank you both for playing, and, Wayne, enjoy your prizes!
Wayne: No, no, I don’t need your charity, they ain’t no such thing as a free lunch where I come from! Now, if you’ll excuse, I got some work to do. [ exits ]
Tate Mitchum: I’ll be waiting for you after the show!
Jim Greer: Okay, that’s all the time we have! Thanks for joining us on “Who’s More Grizzled?”
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
February 28th, 1998
Garth Brooks
Garth Brooks
Robert Duvall
President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) engages in four-way chat.Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Monica Lewinsky.
Brooks relives his psychadelic music roots.
Brooks finds himself entranced by Mango (Chris Kattan).Recurring Characters: Mango.
Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Monica Lewinsky.
“Fun With Real Audio” finds David Brenner struggling as a talk show guest.
Old French whores help high schoolers win prize money on game show.
Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) and Brooks sing “I’m In Love with Garth”.Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.
Old-timers (Brooks, Robert Duvall) compete via disgruntled life tales.
Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.
Endless Shelley Long movie trailers trap theater-goers like shipwreck victims.
Intern (Will Ferrell) sings “Lay, Lady, Lay” to tiresome patient (Robert Duvall).
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 13
97m: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
…..Colin Quinn
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Oh! Thank you. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.
Okay, first, let’s talk about this war in Iraq. What’s going on? Why are we involved? It’s simple. We’re the world’s policemen. Kuwait calls us up, we go to Iraq, we knock on the door…Hussein answers, Hussein’s like the drunk, shirtless guy, like you see on “Cops.” He’s like, “What’s up?!” Ah, we come out, we gotta complain, “We heard you got weapons in your house. One of your neighbors called us.” “Who was it, Afghanistan?! I’ll kill him!” “Cool your jets, it wasn’t Afghanistan.” Meanwhile, Kuwait is Iraq’s wife in the background with a black eye and smeared makeup. “No no, it’s okay, it’s my fault, he said he wouldn’t do it again!” Now we get in the middle of their domestic squabble, smack Hussein around a little bit, threaten him, maybe shoot him in the leg. But you know what always happens: they make up…Kuwait makes up with Iraq, they join forces and blame us, now we’re the bad guys. The Great Satan, you know? And every time we come around, they egg the patrol car or burn our flags. It’s not worth it! I think we should retire as the world’s policemen. Maybe take a part-time security job guard. Guarding…Nova Scotia….Okay…
Today is Valentine’s Day….Today is Valentine’s Day. White House spokesmen said that the President and Mrs. Clinton will honor the holiday by observing a moment of silence…expected to last the entire evening.
[photo of Tom Snyder, who has white hair and black eyebrows] Tom Snyder is considering leaving his “Late Late Show” on CBS, citing creative differences with his producer. The producer wants his eyebrows to match his head.
John Travolta has been in the press lately, criticizing Germany’s lack of tolerance for Scientologists. German officials disputed the charges, saying, “Look. We’re Germans. When we start religiously persecuting you, you’ll know it.”
The Institute for Highway Safety released a report this week that sports utility vehicles are responsible for higher death rates. [footage of O.J. Simpson’s Ford Bronco] [secretly] We know!
Ralph Waite…the guy who played the father on “The Waltons,” is running against the widow of Sonny Bono for his vacant congressional seat. The winner of the primary will face the Democratic candidate, the cast of “Rich Man, Poor Man.”
A 78-year-old man with a walker opened fire in a Nevada casino, wounding several gamblers. Two bystanders who were injured were treated in the casino, and went back to the tables to gamble….You know, fellas, if a 78-year-old man with a walker shoots you, maybe it’s not your lucky night.
[photo of New York City nightclub owner Peter Gashin with a patch on his left eye] Manhattan club owner Peter Gashin was acquitted of charges that he turned his New York nightclubs into drug supermarkets to increase business. Gashin claims that if there was any drug dealing in his club, it must have happened on his left side.
In sports, Jerry Jones hired Chan Gailey as the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys this week. Coach Gailey is a devout Christian who’s proposing a “no swearing” policy to the team. When reached for comment, wide receiver Michael Irvin said, “I’ll try, but it’s hard not to swear when hookers…spill your blow.”
In Indiana…gangs are recruiting new members on the Internet. Now, that’s not gonna work. You know how people lie on the Internet….Right now there’s a 300-pound middle-aged housewife who’s an OG in the Crips….[secretly] I should have brought my donkey! All right…
Maine…Maine became the first state to appeal its gay rights law. Gay men protested by giving everyone a bad haircut and unfolding all the sweaters at Banana Republic. [some applause]…Now you’re talking!
All right, in this month’s Vanity Fair…[reaches underneath the desk, grabs the issue of Vanity Fair, and holds it up] Madonna claims that the only thing missing from her life is a man to share it with. So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, [puts down the magazine] okay, I can take a hint, I’ll do it, Madonna. I’ll marry you. But first, let’s go over a few ground rules. [counts the rules on his hand] Number one: everything I have is yours, and everything you have is mine. We split all our finances down the middle, no questions. “Hey, what do you have in your account, what do I have in my account?” We both have money. You have your CDs, movies, production companies…I’ve been on “Update” four weeks! It’s starting to add up, baby! Don’t forget, I’m Irish, so every week I put five dollars in a Christmas Club account. Number two. Rule two? No loud talking, no dancing, flirting at parties or clubs, no outbursts. “Ooh, he’s cute! Alonzo Mourning! Kevin Garnett!” Uh-uh, honey. Sit down, honey, drink your drink. Rule number three…number three, Miss Madonna: no more sentences that start with “I”; I think, I want…now it’s Colin thinks, Colin says, Colin wants, and then on. Rule number four: I like celery in my tuna, and when the Jets are on, make yourself busy. Busy time. Rule number five…[holds up two fingers, looks at his hand, then holds up five fingers] five! See rule number one. All right? Remember this face; you’re gonna be seeing it for the next 40 years. Happy Valentine’s Day, honey!
I’m Colin Quinn, that’s the story I’m going with. Stick here with us! Good night!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson