Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Hotel Wilson

Randall…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Collins…..Colin Firth
Larry…..Horatio Sanz
Officer David…Chris Parnell
Man…..Seth Meyers
Bellhop…..Fred Armisen

[open on covered entranceway labeled Hotel Wilson]

[dissolve to interior]

[a man in a business suit, Mr. Collins, enters hotel room, closely followed by a bellhop, Randall, carrying his luggage]

Randall: [sets down bags] All righty, here is your room, Mr. Collins.

Collins: Wow, this is nice.

Randall: You in town for the software convention?

Collins: Yeah, that’s right. I came in from London.

Randall: Hey, that’s great. Well, your mini-bar is right over there [gestures stage right]. Extra towels and blankets are in the closet [gestures behind self].

Collins: Thanks, thanks. [Randall holds hand out for a tip] I’ll…oh. [produces some bills from a pocket and gives them to Randall]

Randall: [puts the money in his pocket] I hope you enjoy your stay with us. And if you need anything, please, my name is Randall; don’t hesitate to call.

Collins: Okay, well, Randall, actually, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, I mean, I’m in town for this convention and my girlfriend isn’t here, so, you, ah, you wouldn’t happen to know, um…?

Randall: Oh, you, you’re looking for some professional company? [raises eyebrows meaningfully]

Collins: Exactly, yes. I have to be discreet, because people I work with are staying here, too.

Randall: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. How much did you want to spend?

Collins: Oh, I don’t know. A hundred dollars.

Randall: A hundred dollars, yeah, that should be fine. Okay, let’s get those pants off! [lunges towards Collins’ crotch and tries to undo his pants]

Collins: No, no, no! [backs away and pushes Randall off of him]

Randall: Hey, hey, come on man! I’m in a big hurry here. If I’m not back down at that front desk in fifteen minutes, I’m in big trouble. Now let’s go. [reaches for Collins’ pants again]

Collins: Please, don’t do that! Please.

Randall: Oh, you know, I’m sorry. I should have said before. I got condoms. [unfurls a strip of about a dozen wrapped condoms] They’re ribbed for your pleasure.

Collins: Well, I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re “ribbed for my pleasure.”

Randall: Oh, well then fine. I’ll turn them inside-out.

Collins: No, that’s not what I had in mind.

Randall: Oh, you’re right. I misunderstood. Sorry. You want to watch me. That’s cool. [flops onto bed in a sitting position and begins to undo his own pants]

Collins: No, no, that’s not what I meant! No, for God’s sake, just stop it!

Randall: You know what? [stands back up] I think I understand what’s going on here. Mr. Collins, you’re a racist!

Collins: No, no, I’m not a racist.

Randall: What, you don’t like black people?

Collins: No, I like black people.

Randall: Oh, well then good, ’cause you’re getting ready to love one. Randall’s about to rock your world! C’mon! [makes playful, sexy gestures and reaches for Collins’ pants again]

[Collins and Randall grapple over Collins’ crotch ]

Collins: No, no, stop, just leave. I’m not a homosexual! [turns away, breaking Randall’s grip on him]

Randall: What, what are you trying to say? I’m a homosexual?

Collins: Well, no, but…You were trying to take my pants off, and I’d say that’s pretty gay.

Randall: No, it’s not. I was gonna be the man. You’re the one that was gonna be sweet.

Collins: No, no, get out of my room!

Randall: Well, where’s my bread then?

Collins: Well, I’m not going to pay you. I haven’t done anything. We haven’t done anything.

Randall: Well then, get your pants off! [reaches for them again]

Collins: No! I’m calling the manager! [rushes to the bedside phone]

Randall: Oh, wait, I’ll get him. [yelling] Larry! You better get in here!

[Larry enters]

Larry: What the hell’s going on here?

Collins: This man’s trying to molest me.

Larry: Randall?

Randall: Man, this dude was going to pay me a hundred dollars to have sex with him.

Larry: Aren’t you supposed to be at the front desk?

Randall: I’m on a fifteen minute break.

Larry: Fifteen minute break? Hurry up, let’s get this dude’s pants off! [Larry and Randall try to pull down Collins’ pants]

Collins: No! No! I don’t want to! Please! [they desist] Look, if it will get you out of my room. Here. A hundred dollars. [gives money to Larry]

Randall: Well, you know what? You called him in here, and you made this a threesome. So that’s an extra hundred.

Collins: No, I will not give you an extra hundred. I’m calling the police.

Randall: Hey, never mind, I’ll get him. [yelling] Officer David!

[Officer David enters]

David: This guy giving you trouble, Randall?

Randall: Yes.

[David passes Randall and walks up to Collins]

Collins: No, no, I’m not, officer. There was this little misunderstanding.

David: Sir! You have the right to remain…horny!

[Randall turns on the radio. Beyoncé’s “Crazy Right Now” plays. Randall and Larry hip-hop dance while David grinds against Collins from behind.]

Collins: [to David] You’re not even a policeman!

David: No, but I have urges like any other man.

Collins: Stop! Stop! [waves arms in wild desperation] Stop the music! Stop! You win! [music stops] Here, take the money! Take the money. Just take it. Go, please. [gives money to all three men]

Randall: Ah, thank you, Mr. Collins. If there’s anything you need to make your stay a little more comfortable, the name’s Randall.

[Randall, Larry, and David exit the room]

[Collins sits on the bed and picks up the phone]

Collins: We’ve got to get out of here. The staff just tried to roger me.

[dissolve to another hotel room, where a man wearing a white undershirt is sitting in bed]

Man: Oh, my God. That’s, that’s terrible. Um, I’ll meet you downstairs, in about… [a bellhop leans over from out of shot to kiss him seductively on the cheek] …thirty minutes. [puts down phone] [to bellhop] This time, I’ll be the caterer. [picks up a bowl of strawberries and begins feeding them to bellhop]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Maya Rudolph
Rioter…..Amy Poehler
Peter Jackson…..Horatio Sanz
Elijah Wood…..Rachel Dratch
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[ shown: Martha Stewart ] Ladies and gentlemen! We got her!

Martha Stewart was convicted on all four counts against her, and, if she receives the maximum penalty, she could serve up to twenty years in prison. But don’t feel too bad for Martha, because she would not,/i> feel too bad for you.

Stewart’s lead attorney said his client would appeal. Especially to the bigger girls.

Jimmy Fallon: There were few surprises at last Sunday’s Academy Awards, with Sean Penn and Charlize Theron winning Best Acting Oscars as expected. However, there was an embarrassing breach of security, when a homeless man repeatedly wandered onstage. [ show Peter Jackson accepting his Oscars ]

“The Passion of the Christ” was the number one movie at the box office, earning $117 million since its opening last Wednesday. What’s more, I hear Jesus is now dating J. Lo.

The movie’s financial success is bad news for Jews, and good news for Jews.

Tina Fey: [ interrupting, finger to her ear ] We’re receiving word that we have some breaking news in the Martha Stewart story. Uh.. apparently, women in the wealthy suburb of New Haven, Connecticut have taken to the street in violent protest of the verdict.

Jimmy Fallon: We go now – live – to Weekend Update correspondent Maya Rudolph, in New Haven, Connecticut.

[ cut to Maya Rudolph standing in front of a suburban mall, as WASPy women run frantically back and forth causing mayhem and destruction ]

Maya Rudolph: Tina! Jimmy! I’m here in an upscale pedestrian mall in Fairfield County, where middle-aged white women are rioting and looting to protest the Martha Stewart verdict. I don’t know if you can see behind me, but Talbot’s has burned to the ground. The women have looted William-Sonoma – they’re whipping bottles of specialty olive oils at the police! It’s wild, WASPy mayhem!

[ women run past screaming ]

Jimmy Fallon: Maya, are the police getting things under control?

Maya Rudolph: Not at all, Jimmy. The situation is very unstable.

[ a heavyset women dressed in a big bra and skirt runs past ]

Maya Rudolph: Just a second ago, I saw a woman wrapping a miniskirt around her fist, smash in the window of a Lincoln Navigator, and dragged a securities broker out on the ground, where a gang of women beat him senseless. It’s pretty grim. For Weekend Update, I’m Maya Rudolph, reporting from the Martha Stewart riot here in New Haven, Connecticut.

Rioter: Free Martha!!

[ cut back to the Weekend Update desk ]

Tina Fey: Thank you, Maya. Be careful out there.

Jimmy Fallon: It was reported that at an Oscar after-party Paris Hilton was seen making out with her sex video co-star Rick Solomon. Apparently, she signed a two-picture deal.

Tina Fey: A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into an airplane hangar, stole two planes, flying one into a power line. Thus finally fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard. [ show George W. Bush ]

Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone pancreatitis. While he’s there, doctors may also try to remove the stick from his butt.

[ a knock is heard off-camera ]

Tina Fey: Oh! That sounds like somebody’s at the Update door! You want to get that?

Jimmy Fallon: Are you sure?

Tina Fey: Yeah, see who it is.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, let me see who it is.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: [ opens the door ] Oh! Come on in! It’s Peter Jackson and Elijah Wood!

[ fright-eyed Elijah Wood enters with Peter Jackson, carrying a shopping bag full of Oscar awards ]

Peter Jackson: Hello, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, Elijah. It’s good to see you guys.

Peter Jackson: Hello, Tina!

Tina Fey: Hi!

Peter Jackson: I just came by to pick up my award. Now, you can just throw it in the bag.

Tina Fey: Oh, this isn’t an awards show. This is, uh.. this is Weekend Update.

Peter Jackson: Oh, boy.. I’m sorry, mates. I’ve been picking up so many awards over the past few months, I.. I’m kinda just on auto-pilot at this point. I even haven’t had time to change my tux. But you can.. probably smell that for yourself.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I smell that..

Tina Fey: We can smell that..

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. sorry we don’t have any awards for you, so good to see you —

Peter Jackson: Listen – can you make something up, Jimmy? I’ve won, like.. 280 awards for this film, and.. my wee mate Elijah here.. hasn’t won anything for it.

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. [ searching ] I’ve got this piece of Big Red.

Peter Jackson: Okay, that’ll do!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah?

Peter Jackson: Yeah! [ unwraps the gum ] And.. the Weekend Update piece of red gum for excellence in being a Hobbit goes to.. Elijah Wood!

Elijah Wood: Yaay! Yippee! I won something! Yaaaaaaayyyy!!

Peter Jackson: Thank you so much, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, no problem.

Peter Jackson: Well.. we must be off.

Jimmy Fallon: You’re sure?

Peter Jackson: Apparently, “The Return of the King” has just won a Coney Island hot dog eating competetion.

Tina Fey: Ah, good! Well, Peter Jackson and Elijah Wood, everyone!

A new study says that people on the Atkins Diet are more prone to mood swings. Either that, or I am a bitch!

Jessica Simpson admitted that she recently took a pregnancy test. The results were inconcousive. [ show Simpson putting the pregnancy test in her mouth ]

Jimmy Fallon: An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes after allegations surfaced that he fathered a child with a woman in a Chicago crack house four years ago. Advantage: Snipes. Your move, Bobby Brown.

Tina Fey: A federal judge has ruled that gay high school students in Lubbock, Texas can be barred from meeting on campus. As a result, the gay students will have to meet where they always do: in the Drama Club.

Back to you, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, by the way, Tina, I have a new nickname. I want everyone to call me J-Rod. You know, like A-Rod?

Tina Fey: What? No. That’s stupid.

Jimmy Fallon: No, it’s not stupid, no – it’s awesome!

Tina Fey: No, Jimmy, you can’t just create your own nickname. Someone has to give the nickname to you.

Jimmy Fallon: What, why? I give myself tons of nicknames! I gave myself J-Rod.. Jimmy Jack.. Fellonius.. Big Ballin’ Fallon.. Captain Bad Ass.. Baron von Awesome —

Tina Fey: No. You didn’t take any of the nicknames we gave you.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t like them.

Tina Fey: Why? What’s wrong with Babs? Or Queer Boner? We even tried to call you Flounder Tit. It’s a great nickname for you.

Jimmy Fallon: Call me J-Rod, alright? It would mean a lot to me.

Tina Fey: Alright.. whatever you say, J-Hole.

Jimmy Fallon: [ whispering ] J-Rod..

An Iowa paramedic was fired after he allegedly grabbed a dead woman by the breast and yelled, “Honk! Honk!” which is very offensive. If you want to show a woman the proper respect, you have to go: “Aaa-ooo-gaaa! Aaa-ooo-gaaa!”

Tina Fey: John Kerry has sewn up the Democratic nomination for President, and the running-mate speculation is running rampant. Here to handicap the VP race, is our old friend, and former President, Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: Hello, Tina. May I say, you.. look.. great! Julia Roberts was God’s first try.. at making you. I swear to God. [ looks at Jimmy ] Fellonius? How we doing?

Jimmy Fallon: What’s up, man!

Bill Clinton: Okay, let’s get right to it. John Kerry is a solid candidate. But choosing the right running-mate is critical if he really weants to win. The candidates are:

[ show picture of John Edwards ]

John Edwards. Southern.. handsome.. killer smile.. good hair.. Washington outsider. Remind you of anyone? He’s Clinton-lite, man. He’s a boring version of me. Talk about a snoze-fest. This guy might have sex in the Oval Office, but he’d probably do it in the missionary position – with his wife. What.. a.. waste.. that would be.

Next.

[ show picture of Howard Dean ]

[ singing ] “Cra-zyyy.. cra-zy for being O.D..” Look in his eyes. This guys is nuts. I’m serious. If you have ever stared into the eyes of a raccoon when he’s trying to steal some of your picnic lunch.. you know what it’s like to talk ot Howard Dean.

Next.

[ show picture of Dennis Kucinich ]

Dennis Kucinich. I’m gonna be honest – I don’t know a lot about this man, or what he stands for. But I do know that I have this overwhelming urge to give him a noogie.

Next.

[ show picture of Ralph Nader ]

Nope. Next.

[ show picture of Hillary Clinton ]

Now.. [ clears throat ] I don’t want y’all to laugh. I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions about this lady. But, take it from me – she is smart, she is talented, she’s a true patriot, and I happen to think she’s sexy as hell. Oh, wait. that’s the wrong picture. Go to the next one.

[ show picture of Anna Nicole Smith ]

That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Anna Nicole Smith! That is a Vice-President we can all.. get.. behind.

[ show picture of Bill Clinton ]

And, finally.. me. Come on, you know you want it! Come on, I was so much fun as president! Just imagine what I could do if I had less responsibility and more free time. You.. ain’t.. seen.. nothing yet, America! Support a Kerry/Clinton ticket. I’ll put the “vice” back in “Vice-President.”

Tina Fey: Bill Clinton, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

The Sopranos

Tony Soprano…..Darrell Hammond
Carmella…..Amy Poehler
Furio…..Seth Meyers
Ralphie…..Will Forte
Janice…..Horation Sanz
Steven Van Zandt…..Jimmy Fallon
Clarence clemmons…..Kenan Thompson
Paulie…..Colin Firth

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. Camera pulls back to reveal show title. ]

Voiceover: The wait is over. This Sunday night, the most anticipated event in the history of time. A TV program that puts nature’s greatest wonders to shame. The season premiere of ‘The Sopranos.’ It’s been almost 15 months since the last episode. Are you ready?

[ EXT. SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY HOME – DAY ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ TONY dressed in an undershirt and open bathrobe, enters the kitchen, where CARMELLA is fixing breakfast.

Tony Soprano: Carm, got any of that leftover pasta fagioli?

Carmella: Get it yourself, Tony. I’m not your maid.

Tony Soprano: Whoa, with the hostility! What I’d do?

Carmella: (angrily) You know damn well what you did.

Tony Soprano: (loudly) Well, tell me already!

Carmella: (yelling) All right, I will. I’ll tell you exactly what you did!

Tony Soprano: What?

Carmella: (looking confused) You, ah, oh God, it’s been so long I can’t even really remember, you know. Do you remember, Tone?

Tony Soprano: Nah, I can’t, maybe…I can’t.

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” For the first time since December 2002.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

Tony Soprano: I know I moved into the garage, but wasn’t there a beach house? Something like that?

[ FURIO enters. ]

Furio: Hey, ah, Tony. I’m here to pick ya up.

Tony Soprano: Furio, do you remember ever driving me to a beach house?

Furio: Ah, I don’t think so.

Carmella: Furio, aren’t you supposed to be in Italy?

Furio: Oh. Snap.

[ Furio quickly exits. ]

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: All your favorite characters are back. Tony, Dr. Melfi, the guy who married the fat lady, and the fat lady.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ RALPHIE and JANICE are standing on the other side of the island counter. ]

Carmella: OK, so we’re all agreed, Ralphie’s horse burned down the beach house.

Tony Soprano: Wait a second. Ralphie’s dead.

Ralphie: I am?

Tony Soprano: Yeah, don’t you remember? My sister Janice killed you with the bowling ball.

Janice: No, I killed my other boyfriend. (playfully) But I did put something up Ralphie’s bee-hind.

All: (laughing and speaking over each other) Oh, yeah…that’s right, I remember that.

[ STEVE VAN ZANDT, dressed as himself and not SILVIO, and another member of The E Street Band CLARENCE CLEMMONS, enter the kitchen, as STEVE slides up and down, swaying against TONY’s back, looking as though he’s jamming onstage.

Steven Van Zandt: Hey Tony, mon ami. Hey, we gonna get to work? Hey we gonna whack a guy or something. Gonna whack a guy, huh?

Tony Soprano: (laughing) What are you wearing?

Steven Van Zandt: Well, hey man. Look, I’ve been on tour with Springsteen. I thought the show had been canceled. I dunno. I gotta be honest, I don’t even remember what my character’s name is.

Carmella: Who is that?

Steven Van Zandt: Clarence Clemmons.

Clarence Clemmons: How do? Hey, is that pasta fagioli (pronounced exactly as spelled, instead of correctly)?

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” The show everyone is talking about, because they’re trying to remember what happened last season.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ TONY and CARMELA are watching TV by the counter. ]

Tony Soprano: Okay, so we watched like eight episodes from last season and all I can figure out is Adriana was working for the FBI. Now, Paulie, what happened in the next one? It’s not that one, that turbo one with Jon Favreau, is it?

[ Cut to PAULIE, who has joined RALPHIE, JANICE, CLARENCE and STEVE on the opposite side of the counter.

Paulie: (reading Sopranos video back) Naw, Tone. This one’s when Silvio and Ralphie’s trying to stop a protest at the Columbus Day parade. Oh, I remember. The one with the Indians and, as I recall, that was a stinkertoo. Let’s just skip it and watch the one where Ralphie gets it in the keister again!

[ Everyone laughs and agrees with Paulie. Over the din, Ralphie’s embarrassed protest “Come on guys.” ]

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: This Sunday, “The Sopranos” on HBO.

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

Ferecito…..Fred Armisen
Mañuel Pantalones…..Horatio Sanz
…..Colin Firth

(Loud mariachi music, followed by two title images: Univision en English and ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion!)

(INT. – TALK SHOW SET OF ¡SHOWBIZ GRANDE EXPLOSION!)

(Camera on MAÑUEL (played by Horatio Sanz), mariachi sidekick to the talk show host.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Chicas and Cucarachas! Welcome to ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion! Here’s your host, straight from the looney bin, Ferecito!

(Audience applauds loudly, while the host FERECITO (played by Fred Armisen) enters accompanied by the show’s theme music set to a salsa beat and begins to play the drums.)

Ferecito: Did you feel it? (wants a better response) I said, did you feel it? (audience responds loudly) Man, we’ve got a great show for you today! I’m gonna start right now with my monologue. OK, here goes.

Did you hear about this guy Kobe Bryant? Boy, he’s in a lot of trouble. I hear he’s been traded to the TorontoRape-tors! (hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Hey Kobe! It’s called, “keep your plantain in your pants!”

Google!

(Cut to MAÑUEL laughing.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Google, that’s right!

Ferecito: Hey Mañuel, let me ask you a question. Do you know what it means when I say “Google”?

Mañuel Pantalones: Computer?

Ferecito: Computers, huh? Mañuel just got his GED. It stands for: “Gee, he’s a dummy!” (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is not amused; his lip quivers.)

Ferecito: Mañuel…I’m jus keeding!

(MAÑUEL responds in laughter.)

Ferecito: Give it up to Mañuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

(Wild audience response as Mañuel and his band play music.)

Ferecito: (goes to sit at his desk) OK, so how you doing, Mañuel?

Mañuel Pantalones: Oh, I’m alright, you know. I wish I had more money.

Ferecito: Oh, listen, Mañuel is so poor, even his email address is in a bad neighborhood! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is shown laughing.)

Ferecito: Gracias! Gracias! Thank you very much. Now it’s time for my favorite comedy routine called “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” in manner of Paul Shaffer’s intros on Late Night with David Letterman.)

Ferecito: (points to an enlarged newspaper clipping on a board a la Jay Leno on the Tonight Show) Check this out. This is from a real newspaper from Montana. It says, “Seven Killed in Bus Crash.” That’s terrible. Butzoom in closer. Look, where it happened. “Butte, Montana.” Butte, Montana! That’s the name of the city. Can youbelieve? You can’t write this stuff. Butte! It says Butte! You know, I would move there, but I bet it stinks.(Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! That was “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” to close out segment.)

Ferecito: OK, good job, Mañuel! That’s great. My first guest is Colin Firth. Get it “Firth.” “First guest?”

Mañuel Pantalones: Good thing he wasn’t your “thecond guest!”

Ferecito: Mañuel! You on fuego tonight!

(MAÑUEL, points to FERECITO smiling broadly.)

Ferecito: Let’s bring out my first guest. From the movie Girl With a Pearl Earring, put your hands together for Colin Firth!

(Wild applause as Colin enters and shakes FERECITO’S hand. He sits down in a chair next to the host’s desk.)

Ferecito: How are you doing? Alright? Sit down. So, Colin Firth, you are from England?

Colin Firth: I am. I am indeed.

Ferecito: And, as a fellow foreigner trying to make it here in this crazy country, let me ask you, “Can you believe how many men circumcise their penises over here?

Colin Firth: I hadn’t noticed.

Ferecito: I mean, the locker room of my gymnasium looks like a mushroom farm! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Colin Firth: (smiling) That’s very funny. Sounds like your gym…it sounds like it’s full of fun guys. (laughs to himself) Get it, mushrooms, fungi?

(MAÑUEL and FERECITO shake their heads, not amused.)

Mañuel Pantalones: I don’t get it.

Ferecito: Yeah, that’s OK, Mañuel. (back to Colin) So, it says here you do a lot of traveling.

Colin Firth: Yeah, actually I just flew in from London on the Red Eye. The flight was so long that they should have called it the Red Back-SIDE! (smiles broadly, waiting for their response)

Mañuel Pantalones: (still not impressed) Oh, boy.

Ferecito: Oh, Colin, I think you need a little bit of help with your comedy delivery.

Colin Firth: What do you mean?

Ferecito: Your jokes just lay there. You need some excitement. Do as Ferecito would, like this. Pretend you have two imaginary guns, like this…(makes two guns out of his hands) and you shoot them off like this at the end of your joke. (He demonstrates, shooting his finger guns in the air.) “Pow! Pow!” (egging COLIN on) OK, let’s try it. You flew in from London…

Colin Firth: I flew in from London, but the flight was so long, they should have been called the Red Back-SIDE.

Ferecito: Now shoot off your guns like this. (He shoots in the air) Pow! Pow!

Colin Firth: (pointing toward the audience) Pow? Pow?

Ferecito: No, no. What are you doing? Not at the audience! That’s dangerous, man. Up here. (Points his “finger guns” in the air.) Is more playful like this.

(COLIN follows suit, pointing his finger guns into the air.)

Ferecito: OK, then stick out your tongue like this.

(FERECITO cocks his head to the side, bulges his eyes out and sticks his tongue out, looking totally ridiculous. COLIN copies him exactly, making a very silly face.)

Ferecito: How does that feel?

Colin Firth: Better.

Ferecito: See, Colin Firth, it’s more professional. Besides any gimmick like that can really help shine up one of those turd burgers you call a joke.

Colin Firth: What?

Ferecito: I’m jus keeding!!

(Music starts to play. FERECITO perks up.)

Ferecito: Oh, listen! That means it’s time to sing. (to COLIN) Do you want to sing with me?

Colin Firth: Sure.

(Both COLIN and FERECITO get up in front of the host’s desk. FERECITO starts swaying side to side with the music. COLIN watches and starts to follow his movements.)

Ferecito: (singing) I say potato, and you say…

Colin Firth: (still swaying) I don’t know this song.

Ferecito: (still singing) I say tomato, and you say…

Colin Firth: No, I’m serious.

Ferecito: (singing) Tomato…

Colin Firth: I’m sorry.

Ferecito: Potato…

Colin Firth: I never heard of it.

(The music stops.)

Colin Firth: (does the silly face) I’m jus keeding!!!

Ferecito: Oh, that’s great! (continues singing) Let’s call the whole thing…

Colin Firth: (singing) Let’s call the whole thing . . .

Ferecito & Colin Firth: (finishing with a flourish) Let’s call the whole thing off!

Ferecito: All right! We’ll see you later!

(COLIN and FERECITO continue to sway as music plays them off.)

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Chappell Hartridge…..Kenan Thompson
Kevin Henson…..Will Forte
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on Nightline animated graphics ]

Announcer: This is ABC News: Nightline. Reporting from Washington – Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the Nightline studio ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. For years, she has told us the right way to fold napkins, and she’s told us how to prune our perennials. But, now, a New York City jury has told her she’ll be going to jail. Of course, I’m referring to Martha Stewart, guilty on four counts yesterday. Joining me tonight from New York City, Stewart case juror Chappell Hartridge.

Chappell Hartridge: Hey, Ted! How you feel?

Ted Koppel: I feel good. Mr. Hartridge, this deliberation, which should have dragged on for weeks, took only two days. How did you reach your decision?

Chappell Hartridge: Well.. with the quality and the quantity of the information we had before us, we were able to quickly able to arrive at the conclusion.. that we wanted to be out of there by the weekend.

Ted Koppel: Do you understand the ramifications of your actions? You’re subjecting a 62-year-old woman to a possible 20-year prison sentence.

Chappell Hartridge: Ah, I mean we did what we thought was best – for whitey.

Ted Koppel: Mr. Hartridge, prison is a dangerous place. I mean, have you ever rented that movie “Cool Hand Luke”?

Chappell Hartridge: Uhh.. no, I have not.

Ted Koppel: Well, it’s rough stuff. In your opinion, could Martha Stewart eat fifty hard-boiled eggs, and survive a night in the box?

Chappell Hartridge: [ without much thought ] I think she could.

Ted Koppel: [ nods ] I think you’re right. Also joining us tonight, is a junior analyst with Merrill-Lynch, the brokerage that represented Ms. Stewart – Kevin Henson Mr. Henson, you’re a young broker – was it a fair verdict?

Kevin Henson: Ted, I think this decision sends a clear and, ultimately, good message to all of us on Wall Street. And that is, uh, simply: Martha Stewart got what she deserved, because she’s a huuuge bitch!

Ted Koppel: [ stunned ] I’m sorry?

Kevin Henson: That’s right. Martha Stewart is a big, giant bitch! And now she’s gonna be a jail bitch! Yep!

Ted Koppel: Okay, Mr. Henson —

Kevin Henson: Wait, wait! Let me finish, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Alright..

Kevin Henson: Okay, I hope this leads to a giant bitch hunt! And we go after Hillary. Yeah! Hillary Clinton is a bitch! A massive bitch! She needs to go to jail! Yeah. And, who else, uh.. Yoko! Yoko is a bitch for breaking up one of the most awesome rock bands of all time. Jane Fonda? Bitch! Dr. Laura? big radio bitch! Oprah? Bitch from way back, I always thought she was a bitch! Susan Luderman? The biggest bitch of all time!

Ted Koppel: Who’s Susan Luderman..? I’m afriad I don’t know any Susan Luderman..

Kevin Henson: She’s my boss, Ted. She is a monster bitch! I hate her!

Ted Koppel: Oh. Is it possible, sir, you may have a problem with powerful women?

Kevin Henson: Don’t be a bitch, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Also joining me, from her home in upstate New York – comedienne/political activist Rosie O’Donnell.

Rosie O’Donnell: I’m very angry, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Ms. O’Donnell.. Ms. O’Donnell, where were you when you heard the verdict?

Rosie O’Donnell: I was in New Mexico officiating a lesbian bris. When Parker came to me and said, “Mommies! Mommies! The cooie lady’s going to jail!” I got right on a plane!

Ted Koppel: And, Rosie, do you think that Martha Stewart has been the victim of a witch hunt, so to speak?

Rosie O’Donnell: Absolutely, Ted! But I’m doing everything I can to rally support for her. I’m writing a Broadway musical called “Marthaaaaa!” And I’m going to shoot these koosh balls at people.. who don’t agree with me! [ fires off a couple of koosh balls ] And, also.. I’m starting a cruise line exclusively for persecuted female billionaires and their same-sex spouses.

Ted Koppel: What does that even mean?

Rosie O’Donnell: It means I bought a boat! And.. I’m also gonna buy a house of pies! For Martha!

Kevin Henson: Ted, uh.. I would like to point out that Ms. O’Donnell is a lezzy and a bitch!

Rosie O’Donnell: [ incensed ] Up yours, pallie! I spend more money on jean jackets in one year than you make in your life!

[ Kevin Henson gives Rosie O’Donnell a “So what kind of accomplishment is that?” shrug ]

Ted Koppel: clearly, this is a divisive issue. Joining us now, in an exclusive interview, the woman at the epicenter of this earthquake – newly-convicted felon Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart: It’s good to be here, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Martha, what is going through your mind.. at a time like this?

Martha Stewart: Modeled, gray cinder block walls.. rough-hewn tangerine jumpsuits.. a timeworn mid-century commmode, to be shared in plain view of others. I’m Martha Stewart. And I’m on a boatload of anti-anxiety medication right now. It’s a good thing.

Ted Koppel: Martha, have the ramifications of this case hit home yet? You’re probably going to be spending at least 18 months in jail.

Martha Stewart: Ted, I sincerely doubt I’ll do any real time. Also, if I’m in jail, who’s going to teach American women how to store their decorative holiday acorns?

Ted Koppel: Who, indeed, Miss Stewart? you’re headed up the river. The big house. The stony lonesome.Have you made a shiv? Will you join the Aryan brotherhood? Have you ever heard of a Blanket Party?

Martha Stewart: Is that anything like a cookie swap?

Ted Koppel: No. A Blanket Party is a prison term for throwing a blanket over a squealer’s head so he can’t identify you when you beat him with a pipe.

Martha Stewart: Oh. That. I’ve been doing that for years. I didn’t know there was a name for it!

Ted Koppel: Martha.. are you scared?

Martha Stewart: Frankly, Ted.. from the way it’s been described to me, prison life won’t be much different from what I’m used to. I’ll be awakened at 5:20 a.m., lift weights in the yard, work in the kitchen for several hours, make someone my bitch, then sit quietly in a dark room until morning.

Ted Koppel: Final thoughts? Any remorse?

Martha Stewart: Well, generally, Ted.. I think remorse is for wussie-pusses. But, yes.. if I had to do it all over again, if I were back on that plane and I got that message to sell N-Clone.. I think I would definitely pick up the phone, and say, “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!“

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  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Colin Firth’s Monologue

…..Colin Firth
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Colin Firth.

[ Wild applause. Colin Firth arrives center stage and bows, and then bows again due to the applause and shouting from the audience. ]

Colin Firth: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m incredibly honored to be hosting SaturdayNight Live. Thank you. It’s a show that requires talents that I have never inflicted on anyone, until tonight so I’m more than willing to give it a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.

Now some of you may know me from “Bridget Jones’s Diary”, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the movie “Love Actually”, where I play the sensible and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with “Pride and Prejudice”, where I play the part of Mr…

Amy Poehler: (rushes in, dressed and acting as Elizabeth Bennett, interrupting Colin) Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any possible way that would induce me to accept you.

Colin Firth: OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy) Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.

Amy Poehler: (sighs) Wooh!

Colin Firth: That’s a scene from “Pride and Prejudice”.

Amy Poehler: Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited to have a classically trained actor like yourself on the show.

Colin Firth: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: And I wanted to show all the people out here that I, Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.

Colin Firth: Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy) So on with the show…

(MAYA RUDOLPH descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet.)

Maya Rudolph: (screaming out in a very non-Juliet manner) Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Denythy father and refuse thy name.

Colin Firth: (laughing) Oh good, more. Hello Maya.

Maya Rudolph: (loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book) Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee at thy word.”

Colin Firth: (playing Romeo for her) Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.

Maya Rudolph: Ooooh, that was good!

Colin Firth: Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the possibility that…

Amy Poehler: But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show in a really long time.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie Minogue.

Colin Firth: (ironically) I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on? Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?

(RACHEL DRATCH enters in period dress.)

Rachel Dratch: (interrupting and highly dramatic) Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait withfurrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!

(RACHEL DRATCH surprises Colin by grabbing him unexpectedly and kissing him.)

Colin Firth: (laughing) Well, that was a treat. What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: (distractedly) What now?

Colin Firth: What play? What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about putting on one of these corset things and going to town on some English dude.

Colin Firth: (laughs) Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.

(SETH MEYERS enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.)

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?

Colin Firth: Hello.

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely ladies.

Colin Firth: (trying to get on with the show) Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could justget to the end of the…

Seth Meyers: (interrupting and stammering) No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that if you do love scenes with these American women, our British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty remover. Oh, dear, what’s this? Something here. (He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bullock and, hello, goodness (pulls out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.

Colin Firth: Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.

(AMY POEHLER comes in from behind looking angry and pulls them out of his hand.)

Amy Poehler: Come on, Seth! Those are mine!

Colin Firth: (acting as himself) You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I just wanted to come out here ’cause you’ve worked with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh Grant impression.

Colin Firth: (interested) Oh really? Let’s see it?

Seth Meyers: (pauses with hands on hips, disappointed) That was it. When I came in.

Colin Firth: (looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates) Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was marvelous. Really.

Seth Meyers: (slighted and a bit huffy) Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to this week, I take it back. I don’t have a heterosexual man-crush on Colin Firth any more.

Colin Firth: You do not? (places his hand on Seth’s shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.

Seth Meyers: (melting) Oh, it’s totally back. I still like you. (exits)

Colin Firth: (smiling) Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you. Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Meet The Press

Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. John Edwards…..Will Forte

Announcer: For NBC News in Washington, this is “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert.

[ show images of John Edwards posing – tossing his hair back, blow-drying his hair, etc. ]

Tim Russert V/O: Our issue this week: Sen. John Edwards. Until his withdrawal three days ago, his centrist positions, positive campaign style, and youthful good looks made him a serious to John Kerry for the Demmocratic nomination. Now, he’s a solid bet for the Vice-Presidential slot. But was that his plan all along?

[ dissolve to Meet The Press studio ]

Tim Russert: And here in our studio now, the senior senator from North Carolina – John Edwards. Senator, welcome.

John Edwards: Thank you, Tim. It’s mah pleasure!

Tim Russert: Senator, yes or no – has Sen. Kerry asked you to be his running-mate?

John Edwards: [ chuckles ] Tim.. I think it’s awfully soon to be talking about that. Three days ago, Sen. Kerry and I were in a bitter contest for the nomination.

Tim Russert: And yet, Senator, to most observers, one of the msot striking things about your campaign against John Kerry.. was your apparent relunctancy to criticize him – even slightly. With the vice-presidency at stake.. were you afraid.. to offend Sen. Kerry?

John Edwards: [ chuckles ] Tim.. if anyone thinks ah was pulling my punches against John Kerry because ah wanted to be his running-mate, well.. [ chuckles ] ..they were watching a different campaign than ah was. Ah was plenty critical of John.

Tim Russert: Alright. Here’s the most negative ad you ran against Sen. Kerry, during the campaign. Let’s take a look.

[ campaign ad plays, accompanied by photo of Sen. John Kerry ]

Voiceover: John Kerry likes to talk about his plan to save social security.

He likes to talk about how he will reduce the deficit.

He likes totalk about restoring American prestige around the world.

But it seems there’s one thing John Kerry doesn’t like to talk about – his heroic military service in Vietnam. Where he won a silver star. A bronze star. And three.. purple hearts. Which makes you ownder: why is John Kerry so modest? And can America really afford.. a President.. this self-effacing?

[ dissolve to a pool, as John Edwards steps up and wraps a towel around his semi-naked body ]

John Edwards: Ah’m John Edwards. And ah approved this ad.

[ dissolve back to the Meet The Press studio ]

Tim Russert: Sen. Edwards, is it not fair to say that, by the standards of most negative ads, this is not a particularly stinging attack?

John Edwards: Perhaps in Washington, that’s not considered rough. But, uh.. out in the country, Tim, let me tell ya – they call that a zinger!

Tim Russert: Now.. is excessive modesty the only flaw you pointed out in Sen. Kerry’s character, or is there something else?

John Edwards: Well.. ah think even admirers of John Kerry will concede that.. he has a tendancy to talk candidly to the American people, uh.. avoiding the kind of Washington double-talk they get from most politicians. And ah afraid to say so during the campaign.

Tim Russert: Again, Senator, not particularly “biting”!

John Edwards: Uh.. also.. ah went after him for the fact that he pushes himself too hard! That he doesn’t take enough time off to relax. In one debate, ah flat-out called him a “workaholic”! To his face!

Tim Russert: Okay.

John Edwards: Yeah! Now, does that sound to you like ah was trying to go easy on him?

Tim Russert: [ sighs ] We have one more clip. A so-called negative ad you plan to run against Sen. Kerry next week in Louisiana. Let’s take a look.

[ campaign ad plays, accompanied by photo of Sen. John Kerry ]

Voiceover: If you’re thinking of voting for John Kerry, there’s some facts you need to know.

Fact: John Kerry was the first member of Congress to recognize the threat of global terrorism.

Fact: John Kerry was a tough prosecuting attorney.

Fact: John Kerry speaks four languages.

Fact: At 6’5″ and 185 pounds, John Kerry would be the tallest, leanest President in U.S. history.

When you know all the facts.. the choice is clear.

Edwards for President. Or Vice-President.

[ dissolve back to the Meet The Press studio ]

Tim Russert: You call that a negative ad?!

John Edwards: Ah stand by the charges ah made in that ad, if that’s what you mean!

Tim Russert: How in God’s name do you call that a negative ad?! It’s simply a list of flattering statements about John Kerry, some of which, by the way, aren’t even accurate! Ending with an illogical “Vote for Edwards!”

John Edwards: Well, ah know the Kerry camp was pretty upset about it.

Tim Russert: I somehow doubt that!

John Edwards: Well.. they were.

Tim Russert: Sen. Edwards, would it be fair to call you a toadie?

John Edwards: No.

Tim Russert: A brown nose?

John Edwards: No!

Tim Russert: A kiss ass?

John Edwards: Ah don’t think so, Tim!

Tim Russert: A goo-goo-make-nice-goodie-two-shoes?

John Edwards: Perhaps, in the sense —

Tim Russert: Senator, isn’t it fair to say that you were never really running for President, but, instead, auditioning for the Vice-Presidency, and, therefore, unwilling to offer even the mildest criticism of any other candidate, lest they not consider you for the second spot?

John Edwards: Tim.. much as it pains me to say so.. you’re absolutely right! Uh.. Ah really have been simply running for Vice-President all along. Uh, uh.. I never would have admitted it, but your tough questioning forced it out of me. You’re one heck of an interviewer, Tim, and ah respect you enormously —

Tim Russert: Oh, knock it off! That’s all the time we have this week. Join us again next week, and, remember – if it’s Sunday.. it’s “Meet The Press.”

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Jesus: Hollywood vs. History

Liam Neeson…..Colin Firth
Benny Hill…..Will Forte

Announcer: You’re watching “Jesus: Hollywood vs. History”, with Liam Neeson, on The History Channel.

[ dissolve to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Good evening. I’m Liam Neeson. “The Last Temptation of Christ.” “The Passion of the Christ.” “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Films that tell the story of the carpenter from Nazareth, AKA: Jesus. To varying degrees of historical accuracy. Perhaps, the most controversial film about the life of Christ, is probably one you’ve never heard of. Because it was never released. Shot in 1974, “J.C. Godson & Co.” was directed by – and starred – one Benjamin Alfred Hill. Better known.. as Benny Hill.

[ dissolve to photo of Will Forte disguised as Benny Hill, posed as his Fred Scuttle character, with hand to head in playful mock salute ]

Primarily known for his naughty slapstick routine, Hill hoped the film would prove to critics that he could act. Here now, a never-before-seen clip from Hill’s epic, “J.C. Godson & Co.”

[ dissolve to clip ]

[ holy hymnal music as we see Jesus crucified on the cross atop rock, with a pair of woman flanked in robes bowing before him ]

[ close-up of Jesus’ face – Benny Hill in glasses giving the characteristic woe-is-me face as he hangs on the cross ]

[ cut back to wide shot, as the robes fall off the women, revealing bawdy bikini tops ]

[ cue “Yakkity Sax” and sound effects of girls laughing, as Jesus – still tied to cross – hops off the rock and begins to chase the bikini-clad girls ]

[ Jesus chases the girl across a field of grass and rocks ]

[ camera jump as the girls rise from behind the rocks, and Jesus continues the chase offscreen ]

[ Jesus runs back into frame, now being chased offscreen by the girls ]

[ return to frame as Jesus – separated from cross – chases after the girls, one of whom is tied to the cross instead ]

[ chase sequence is encircled and dissolved, as the music drowns out and we dissolve back to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Needless to say, the film was a disaster. Paramount called it “Unwatchable” and “Not good.” Beny Hill was emotionally crushed, dying just 18 years later. As for Jesus, though he died on the cross, he will always live forever on.. in film. For The History Channel, I’m Liam Neeson.

Announcer: Coming up next on The History Channel, “The History of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Goodnights

…..Colin Firth

Colin Firth: Thanks to Norah Jones.. Ana Gasteyer! Thanks to all of you, I hope you enjoyed the show!

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  Season 29: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 6th, 2004

Colin Firth

Norah Jones

Ana Gasteyer NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) and his guests discuss Martha Stewart’s (Ana Gasteyer) prison sentencing.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Rosie O’Donnell, Martha Stewart.

Note: During rehearsal, Amy Poehler played the role of Martha Stewart. Ana Gasteyer made the guest appearance for the live show as a personal favor to Lorne Michaels, as she was in town starring in the Broadway play “Roulette.”

Transcript

Montage

Colin Firth’s MonologueSummary: Cast members don fake Shakespearean accents in order to impress Colin Firth.

Bio: English actor Colin Firth’s (1960-) career took off after appearing in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of “Pride and Prejudice.”

Transcript

Bad AccentsSummary: An English actor (Colin Firth) can’t seem to master a Southern accent for his movie scene.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Colin Firth how to tell a joke.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Classic cartoon characters are presented as they would appear if censored by the FCC.

Tim Calhoun On TrialSummary: Politician Tim Calhoun (Will forte) stands trial on drug charges.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Norah Jones performs “Sunrise”Also Appeared: 02g.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Maya Rudolph reports from the streets of New Hampshire, where middle-aged white women are rioting in the wake of Martha Stewart’s prison sentence. Director Peter Jackson (Horatio Sanz) awards a stick of gum to his star, Elijah Wood (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Hotel WilsonSummary: A horny bellhop (Kenan Thompson) misinterprets the signals given by an English businessman (Colin Firth).

Transcript

Meet The PressSummary: Ass-kisser John Edwards (Will Forte) refuses to speak negatively of John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, John Edwards.

Transcript

The SopranosSummary: “The Sopranos” has been on hiatus for so long that even the characters can’t remember their storylines for the new season.

Transcript

Norah Jones performs “What Am I To You?”

Jesus: Hollywood vs. HistorySummary: To counter Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ”, actor Liam Neeson (Colin Firth) presents some never-before-seen footage of Benny Hill (Will Forte) as Jesus.

Recurring Characters: Liam Neeson.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

BackstageSummary: Billy Bush (Jimmy Fallon) talks with Amy Poehler and Colin Firth backstage.

Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Colin Firth), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch sees the light next season on the episode hosted by Jude Law.

KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) annoys a musician (Colin Firth) nursing a hangover while he waits for her mom (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.

Note: Kaitlin would begin her run as a recurring character later in the season. Her mom is never seen on a live episode, though Horatio Sanz assumes the role of recurring boyfriend, Rick.

Gay MarriageSummary: A pair of lawyers (Chris Parnell, Will Forte) advertise the divorce rate of gay marriages.

Friendly DebateSummary: Two guys Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers) debate about voting, but agree on beating up a mime (Chris Parnell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch is also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Ben Affleck episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Discovery TimesSummary: Seth Meyers uncovers the History of Douchebags.

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