Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
John Mayer…..Jimmy Fallon
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph
Bobby-Christina Brown…..Kenan Thompson
Bobby Brown…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Al Gore, this week, officially endorsed Howard Dean for President. The news was extremely disappointing to Joe Lieberman and Howard Dean.

Last Sunday marked the 62nd Anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. President Bush marked the occasion with a White House ceremony, while the Bush twins marked the occasion by downing 8 kamikazes.

Tina Fey: The Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has mortgaged its Cathedral to finance a nearly 90 million dollar settlement with victims of clergy sexual abuse. The Archdiocese said, “I know that seems like a lot of money…but it was worth it.”

It was announced Tuesday that Queen Elizabeth will undergo surgery to remove torn cartilage from her left knee. And then it’s “look out WNBA!”

Jimmy Fallon: Ashton Kutcher says he’s ending his series “Punk’d”. More bad news for anyone disappointed by this: you’re a moron.

Tina Fey: E! is reporting that Britney Spears has developed a habit of throwing up in club bathrooms after drinking. All part of the mysterious teachings of.. the Kaballah! (creepy music starts the play, and Tina starts making hand gestures)

During a 20/20 interview with Joe and Katherine Jackson when they were asked which one of their 8 children is the most talented, Jackson replied, “It would be Michael, it would be Jermaine, and it would be Janet.” Then he added, “Now if the question was ‘Who was that most talented at refrigerator repair and data processing?’, it would be Marlon, Randy, Rebe and Tito.”

Tina Fey: And now ladies and gentlemen, Weekend Update is proud to present a special holiday wish from Grammy award winning Recording artist John Mayer.

John Mayer: Thank you very much. Happy holidays everyone. I hope you like this little holiday song I wrote. (begins playing guitar) la blah la blah blah blah la la blah la blah. Ooooh… oooooooooooooooh, Ooooh… oooooooooooooooh. La blah la blah blah blah la la blah la blah… Christmas presents. Thank you, thank you very much.

Tina Fey: John Mayer, everybody. John Mayer!

After being charged with battery this week, Bobby Brown surrendered to police. Brown says he’s sorry for hitting his wife Whitney Houston, saying, “but, damn, woman, you just don’t disrespect a man’s sandwich like that!”

President Bush this week reiterated his decision to award lucrative Iraq rebuilding contracts only to countries who participated in the war. Bush said, “Friendly coalition folks risked their lives, and therefore the contracting is going to reflect that.” That’s right. We should reward the brave American businessmen and businesswomen who fought so hard to free Iraq from evil. (patriotic music starts) Let us not forget the brave Halliburton executives that stormed Baghdad , guns at the ready. Or the fearless Nextel CFO who threw himself on a grenade yelling, “Win this for Democracy!” Or the brave platoon of Goldman-Sachs bond traders who patrol the dark alleys of Tikrit rooting out insurgents. Yes, it is these men who deserve the spoils. And it is these men who shall get them! So go screw yourselves, French and German businessmen-American businessmen are the true heroes! (patriotic music stops)

Jimmy Fallon: New Jersey opened its first bear hunt in 33 years Monday, but protesters say there are alternatives to killing the animals including sterilization. After hearing this the bears went.. (makes hand gestures to indicate scales)

Tina Fey: The Food and Drug administration will decide next week whether to allow the so-called “morning after” contraceptive pill to be sold over the counter.

Jimmy Fallon: Not till next week?

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s what I just said, next week.

Jimmy Fallon: So, ah…what are we gonna do?

Tina Fey: I don’t know, I guess we’re gonna have this baby. (throws pencil, then crosses arms)

Jimmy Fallon: Two high schools in Portland, Oregon have banned pacifiers over concerns over the drug Ecstasy. Though perhaps a more effective measure would be to ban Ecstasy.

Tina Fey: Now it’s time for a segment called “Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.”

Jimmy Fallon: Thousands of people in Sierra Leone this week rioted when two dwarf comedians took the stage for a show instead of the expected act which was a different dwarf comedy duo. So people of Sierra Leone, heres what you did: you went to see a dwarf comedy duo, and instead you got a different dwarf comedy duo, so you rioted… that’s what you did.

Tina Fey: This has been “Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.”

Jimmy Fallon: A growing number of cities across the countries are presenting a gay-friendly image to lure lesbian and gay travellers, including Philadelphia, Newhaven and Bloomington, Indiana, whose new slogan is “Come Out and Play.” While New Jersey is sticking with their ambiguous slogan: “Suck On This America.”

Tina Fey: Well this week has been a difficult week for singer Whitney Houston. As we said she has had some domestic issues with her husband. But this week she is honoring her commitment to be here tonight.

Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, here with a special holiday treat, please welcome Whitney Houston and her daughter Bobby-Christina Brown.

Whitney: Thank you so very much! Ladies and gentlemen, my daughter Bobby-Christina!! Say hello baby.

Bobby-Christina: Hello.

Whitney: Bobby-Christina is the most beautiful baby in R&B. I love you baby, are you ready? Let’s go baby, stand up straight, take the mic.

(music starts to play)

Whitney: Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go…

Bobby-Christina: “Come they told me par-rump-a-pum-pum…”

Whitney: Sing it baby.

Bobby-Christina:
“A newborn king to see par-rump-a-pum-pum.
Our finest gifts we bring par-rump-a-pum-pum
To lay before the king
par-rump-a-pum-pum, par-rump-a-pum-pum, par-rump-a-pum-pum…
So to honor him par-rump-a-pum-pum, when we come…”

Whitney: Special baby… (steals the microphone and pushes Bobby-Christina out of the picture then sings the rest of the song)

Bobby: I love you baby!

Whitney: I love you too baby! Ladies and gentlemen, my husband Bobby Brown! Yeah! We had our problems, we had our fights, but we always re-unite, we are like Simon and Garfunkel.

Bobby: You’re my Garfunkel baby…

Whitney: You’re my Garfunkel baby!! (they stretch arms out to each other) I would like to kiss my husband right now, but the police says he must stay at least 6 feet away from me at all times.

Bobby: At ALL times…

Whitney: Oh baby…

Bobby-Christina: Mommy, are we going to sing some more?

Whitney: No we gotta go baby, I’m really high right now. Mommy is flying, get your coat.

Bobby-Christina: Yes mommy.

Tina Fey: The Brown family everybody!

Whitney Houston: Merry Christmas everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jimmy Fallon: Merry Christmas! (throws his pencil to the camera)

Tina Fey: Happy holidays!

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

Jai Rodriguez…..Elijah Wood
Ted Allen…..Fred Armisen
Thom Filicia…..Chris Parnell
Carson Kressley…..Jimmy Fallon
Kyan Douglas…..Seth Meyers
Santa Claus…..Horatio Sanz
Mrs. Claus…..Rachel Dratch

Anouncer: This Christmas on Bravo: you’ll never guess who the Fab Five are making over!

[ Queer Eye cast members enter Santa Claus’ workshop and surround him ]

Jai Rodriguez: Oh, my God! Look at this place, it’s a dump!

Ted Allen: Hmm.. what is this? [ holds up a whip ]

Thom Filicia: Uh-oh! Houston, we have a pervert!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! That’s Rudolph’s whip!

Carson Kressley: Lucky Rudolph! [ giggles ]

[ Kyan Douglas and Jai Rodriguez surround Santa Claus, touching his beard ]

Santa Claus: Ho ho haw! Oh, boy! I’m very uncomfortable..

Announcer: This Tuesday, the guys from “Queer Eye” drop in on ol’ Kris Kringle and become Santa’s little helpers – Santa’s little gay helpers!

[ SUPER: “Jai Rodriguez: Culture” ]

Jai Rodriguez: I want you to take time out, to make eye contact with your wife. Okay?

Santa Claus: Sure.

Jai Rodriguez: Let’s practice our eye contact, right now!

[ Jai stares intensely at an uncomfortable Santa Claus ]

Santa Claus: Okay, I got it.. anything else?

Jai Rodriguez: Nooo.. that’s about all I do!

Announcer: Wait until Little Carson takes a peek into Santa’s closet. Will he be naughty, or nice?

[ SUPER: “Carson Kressley: Fashion” ]

Carson Kressley: Red suits.. red suits.. This closet’s full of red suits! What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!

Carson Kressley: Yeah, this is like Nancy Reagan’s maternity wear! I mean, there’s nothing here to jsss! I can’t jsss anything! So, just jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Jsss! Feed this to the reindeer – bye!

Announcer: America’s favorite homosexuals take on ol’ Saint Nick. Will this holiday season ever be the same?

[ SUPER: “Kyan Douglas: Grooming” ]

Kyan Douglas: How long have you had the beard?

Santa Claus: Well, let’s see… 1,700 years!

Kyan Douglas: I want you to think about.. shaving it.

Santa Claus: ..O-kay..

Kyan Douglas: Trust me, it’s gonna take, like, 200 years off.

Santa Claus: Okay, if you think it will.

Kyan Douglas: Give me, a hug!

[ they hug, Santa is uncomfortable ]

Kyan Douglas: Remember: always shave with the grain of the face. I love you!

Announcer: If you think you know Santa Claus, wait until the queer guys from “Queer Eye” jsss him up! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And he’s glam-tastic!

[ Queer Guys crowd around the couch with glasses of wine to watch their new and improved Santa Claus work his chair on television ]

Thom Filicia: Here we go, guys, I’m so excited!

Carson Kressley: Ohhh!

Together: Ohhh! Oh, gosh!

[ Santa Claus, clean-shaven and redressed, steps up to Mrs. Claus and the children ]

Awww, he’s so adorable!

Carson Kressley: Look at that – she’s a little spitfire, that one!

Jai Rodriguez: She’s so adorable, yoy guys!

Carson Kressley: He jsssed! He jsssed! I told him to jsss, and he jsssed. I told him to!

Ted Allen: She cannot take her eyes off of him!

Jai Rodriguez: You see that, guys? They’re making eye contact! They just made eye contact! I am useful!

Kyan Douglas: She’s like, uh.. “Let me check out that Christmas package!”

Carson Kressley: Yeah! She wants to get some of that South Pole!

[ they laugh ]

Mrs. Claus: This is the Santa I married!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Kid: Hey, you’re not Santa! You look like Kathy Bates!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho!

Carson Kressley: Don that gay apparel! We did it again, guys! We did it again! Yay!

[ they toast their glasses to one another ]

Announcer: Next Tuesday at 10: tune in for the new “Queer Eye”, following the “Queer Eye” marathon on Bravo!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Elijah Wood’s Monologue

…..Elijah Wood
Gollum…..Chris Kattan

Elijah Wood: Aw, thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is something that I’ve dreamed about doing my whole life, and actually being here on this stage feels a little surreal. I guess I have “Lord of the Rings” to thank for that. The experience of making those movies was incredible, but.. I’ve been playing Frodo since 1999. [ laughs ] I think this is the first time in four years that I’ve actually worn shoes on camera! But I’ll miss it, the cast was great —

[ “Lord of the Rings” theme pots up, as Gollum appears on a rock next to Elijah ]

Gollum: Master!! Master, there you arrrrrrre!!

Elijah Wood: Gollum, everybody. [ to Gollum ] I told you to wait in the Gren Room.

Gollum: Gollum tried, but Jay-Z in theres, and with the entorouge! [ mimes smoking a joint ] Gollum get contact high!

Elijah Wood: Well.. I’m sorry to hear that Gollum, but you have to run along. This is kind of my monologue here.

Gollum: I knowwww!! But Gollum here to help! Gollum loves the Saturday Night Liveses!! [ turns face to speak in evil tone ] Noooo!! Gollum hates the Saturday Night Livesessss!!!! Sketches go on way too long, and never have endingsesesssss!!! [ turns back to normal ] No-o-o-o-o-o! That’s not tru-u-u-u-ue!! Such a talented cast! The Tinsa Fey.. a-a-and the other peopleses!! [ turns face to speak in evil tone ] Noooo!! Everyone knows the show’s been sucking wind ever since Chris Kattan left!!

Elijah Wood: Uh.. I think that’s about enough, Gollum —

Gollum: Okay, Gollum go now! But, first – Gollum like to get in one quick plug! Gollum and Master have new project in the works!

Elijah Wood: Oh, not that, Gollum.. I told you, that was a favor!

Gollum: Oh, please, Master! Tell them! Tell them, tell, them, tell them..!!

Elijah Wood: Alright! [ to the audience ] Look, Gollum wrote a sitcom pilot for the two of us. But every network passed.

Gollum: UPN gave us a “Maybe!”

Elijah Wood: Alright. Basically, the idea is that, before they make it to Mordor, Frodo and Gollum decide to move to Denver and share an apartment together.

Gollum: Gollum have the clip ready! Really! Need no set-up! Roll it, Beth!

[ clip begins, with SUPER: “A Hard Hobbit to Break” ]

Jingle:
[ Frodo and Gollum on side of road with “Denver or Bust” sign, waving at passing truck ]
“Kickin’ the dust of the road off your shoes
City lights callin’ your name.”

[ Frodo and Gollum get stuck in door jamb while entering apartment simultaneously ]
“You only get one shot
You know it’s time to take it.”

[ Frodo opens door to empty fridge, Gollum chews on dead fish and shrugs ]
“Gonna live our vows
No way you’re gonna fake it.”

[ Frodo and Gollum chase each other through the apartment on roller skates ]
“Flying high on the wings of tomorrow!”

[ Frodo turns around with coffee mug, with SUPER: “Elijah Wood as Frodo” ]

“Soar away on the power of your dreams!”

[ Frodo is annoyed by Gollum playing the drums in the front room ]

[ Gollum combs his few hairs in the mirror, with SUPER: “Featuring Gollum as Himself ]

“Keep your head up high
Your eye on the prize.”

[ Frodo and Gollum on the couch playing video games ]

“Don’t let the turkeys get you down.”

[ pet dog, with SUPER: “George Carlin as the Voice of ‘Baxter'” ]

[ Gollum knocks over the bookcase, as Frodo tries to save the day ]

“Sometimes when you reach the end of the road.”

[ Gollum and Frodo open adjacent doors to the apartment and crash into one another, laughing ]

“You’ve only just begun.”

[ fade back to Home Base ]

Gollum: That’s what Gollum calls Must See TVsesesss!!!

Elijah Wood: Well, maybe you’re right.. maybe it has some possibilities. [ turns face to speak in an evil tone ] Nooooo!! It stinks!

Gollum: Oh, Master.. that’s co-o-o-o-old!!

Elijah Wood: We’ll talk later, Gollum. Alright. We have a great show, Jet is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Rialto Grande

Buddy Mills…..Chris Kattan
Lanny Petillo…..Elijah Wood
Ronnie Calzoon…..Jimmy Fallon
Mackey…..Fred Armisen

[Anouncer enters stage]

Ronnie Calzoon: And now coming to you live from the beautiful Rosewater Room in the Rialto Grand, just shy of the Vegas Strip it’s another night with Buddy Mills! This is his old pal Ronnie “the zipper” Calzoon, saying the only thing this guy wants for Christmas is to get his bells jingled. Here’s Buddy Mills!

Buddy Mills: [pulls a fake candy cane out of his pants and laughs]. Hello Las Vegas Nevada! [laughs] Hey, is it–is it Christmas Eve yet ’cause the stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Right next to my wife’s bra and girdle. Ha! I don’t know what I just– wait and I can’t!

[points toward Mackey waiting for rim shot]

Anyway I just did some holiday shopping. Have you heard about this? Holiday Shopping? Apparently–

Mackey: [late rim shot]

Buddy Mills: [stands looking at camera for a few moments speechless]

Apparently Victoria’s Secret’s got a great sale going on. Everything’s half off. [Laughs Wildly] What? I just did something. It came out– I can’t!

[Points toward Mackey waiting for rim shot]

Anyway, I’m telling you something, my wife tried on one of those thongs–

Mackey: [late rim shot]

Buddy Mills: [looks over to Mackey] Mackey on drums everybody.

[Applause]

Anyway my wife tried to wear one of those thongs. It looked like a bookmark in the middle of “War and Peace.” [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t know–wait–I don’t–I can’t!

[Points to Mackey waiting for rim shot. Nothing.]

So Mackey, what do you want for Christmas?

Mackey: [Says Nothing]

Buddy Mills: Ok I’ll get right on that. Ok we got a great show tonight. I do apologize for the smell. I have no idea what it is either. But we do have a terrific show–

Mackey: Craftsman cordless drill with Trim Saw!

Buddy Mills: [Looks over to him speechless. Turns back.] Anyway I was getting my first social security check the same day tonight’s guest hit puberty. He’s the youngest hottest comic on the Strip. The only thing better than that is the youngest hottest striper on the comic. [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t– wait, there’s an Ad Lib somewhere comin’ out. Please welcome Lanny “The Rabbit” Petillo!

Lanny Petillo: Hey Buddy! There’s a cop in the lobby lookin’ for you. Says something about you and this German guy named Check Fraud. Ouch!

Buddy Mills: [Laughs Wildly and makes throaty noises] That is Hysterical.

Lanny Petillo: You all right there Buddy?

Buddy Mills: I can’t take it already. This guy, I got to tell you, this guy– he’s caused– you’ve cause quite a stir up over at the Mandaly Bay. You’re really– you’re really– you’re really– you’re really packing them in aren’t you?

Lanny Petillo: Well that’s what your proctologist says. Ouch, Ouch!

Buddy Mills: [laughing Wildly] Ha! Ha! I can’t! Well, Lanny, how did you– I have a question for you– how did you get your star– your start– your start as a comic?

Lanny Petillo: Well I think it was prom night when I dropped my pants and my girlfriend laughed for four hours! Double Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark!

Buddy Mills: [laughs Wildly] Ha! Ha! My Prostate. Unbelievable. You’re on fire tonight. Wow you’re parents– [laughs]– You’re parents– they must be– no seriously, they must really proud of you.

Lanny Petillo: Oh yea they come to all my shows and laugh their asses off. And my Mom better keep laughing ’cause she’s got a big ass! I love you Mom! Just kidding.

Buddy Mills: [Laughs making throaty noises] Oh so your parents are they– are they– are they here tonight?

Lanny Petillo: Oh yea they never miss a show.

Buddy Mills: Oh no kidding? That’s amazing.

Lanny Petillo: Yea

Buddy Mills: I got to meet the people responsible for this little rat. Where are they?

Lanny Petillo: Uh, they’re in the back somewhere.

Buddy Mills: Stand up Mr. and Mrs. Petillo, please. Willy get a light on them back there where are ya at? go ahead.

Lanny Petillo: Forget it Buddy, they’re shy.

Buddy Mills: No come on. Raise your hand. Raise your hand.

Lanny Petillo: Look! They’re not back there! They’re not even here!

[gets a sad face and cries in Buddy’s arms]

Buddy Mills: [starts shushing him comforting]

Lanny Petillo: I’m just tired of feelin’ sad.

Buddy Mills: I know how you feel. You know, a clown’s sad face is just painted on, right? But when you take the makeup off, that clown’s face is just sad.

Lanny Petillo: My parents have never seen me perform. I never even knew my dad. My Mom took off when I was sixteen ’cause she said she had to find a man that would love her forever. If she only knew that, that man was me.

Mackey: [Rim shot at the wrong time]

Buddy and Lanny: [Look over to Mackey speechless. Buddy notions for him to quit it. Lanny looks back to Buddy]

Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums, everybody!

[Applause]

I’m sorry go on.

Lanny Petillo: I guess I just–

Mackey: [interrupts] And if that’s out of stock then a Campbell Hausefield eight-gallon air compressor.

Buddy and Lanny: [look over once again speechless. Lanny turns back to Buddy]

Buddy Mills: Look, listen, seriously, listen kid [breaks down] if you– if you– if you– if you need a dad– if you need a dad, I’m– I’m here for you.

Lanny Pestillo: Ok Buddy, But don’t get all Michael Jackson on me. Next thing you’re gonna invite me over to play “How many Plums do I have in my Pocket?” Ouch! That stung. That really stung.

Buddy Mills: [Laughs Wildly] Ha! I just think I dribbled my drawers.

[Gets up with Lanny]

Hey! It’s the holidays though. It’s time for friends to stick together and keep each other strong. Don’t you think?

Lanny Pestillo: That’s Right.

Buddy and Lanny: [Singing]
“Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell rock
Jingle Bell swing and Jingle bell ring
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
Now the Jingle hop has begun.”

[Singing stops]

Buddy Mills: Thanks for spending another night with Buddy Mills! I’d like to thank Lanny “The Rabbit” Petillo for the laughs and the tears. Mackey on drums, of course. And if you’re making out with Santa remember that Ho means Ho. [laughs Wildly] Ha! I don’t know what– I just did it again. I can’t!

Buddy and Lanny: [Singing]
“That’s the Jingle Bell
That’s the Jingle Bell
That’s the Jingle Bell Rock!!”

[ fade ]

Submitted by: TheRoxburyGrl

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Hardball

Chris Matthews…Darrell Hammond
Joe Lieberman…Chris Parnell
Hillary Clinton…Amy Poehler
Carol Moseley Braun…Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! Al Gore sends shockwaves through the democratic party this week by endorsing Vermont governor Howard Dean. Dean’s camp is thrilled, but come on, Al Gore endorsing your campaign? Isn’t this a little like Star Jones endorsing your diet plan? You gotta ask, does Howard Dean give the democrats the best chance to win, or is there another candidate out there who could energize this party? With us today to discuss it, Joe Lieberman!

Joe Lieberman: Chris, it’s a pleasure to be here.

Chris Matthews: God, you’ve said, like, five words and I’m already bored to death! Also joining us, the very mention of her name sends Rush Limbaugh stampeding for the Mexican pharmacy, please welcome Senator Hillary Clinton!

Hillary Clinton: It’s really nice to be here Chris.

Chris Matthews: Joe Lieberman, you couldn’t get an endorsement from your former runningmate, you gotta feel more betrayed than the people who paid ten bucks to see “From Justin to Kelly”

Joe Lieberman: Well Chris, it did sting a little when my former running mate endorsed Howard Dean. And yes, I was disappointed when my wife Hadassah endorsed Wesley Clark. And yes, I was a little miffed when my rabbi announced he was supporting Al Sharpton. But I’m just trying to focus on my campaign, and not the fact that my dog keeps using the Lieberman ’04 campaign signs in my front yard as a toilet.

Chris Matthews: I haven’t seen someone lose this much support since Pamela Anderson broke a bra strap. Hillary Clinotn, you’re not officially in this race, but many people believe that if you declared right now, you’d be the democratic front-runner. Are you in or out?

Hillary Clinton: Chris, I don’t know how many times I have to say this, I am absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not running for president probably.

Chris Matthews: So you’re running?

Hillary Clinton: Definitely not. Maybe

Chris Matthews: So there’s a chance?

Hillary Clinton: Chris, for the last time, no, no, no, no, n…maybe, no.

Chris Matthews: You’re about as hard to read as Jessica Simpsons’ autobiography. Joining us now to talk about the race for the white house is an actual candidate who has about as much to win the presidency as Carol Moseley Braun…please welcome Carol Moseley Braun!

Carol Moseley Braun: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Miss Braun, if you were to win the nomination, and understand, we’re talking about a bizarro wold, upside-down, parallel universe where such things are possible…

Carol Moseley Braun: Naturally.

Chris Matthews: I mean, even you have to admit, there’s literally no chance of you being elected.

Carol Moseley Braun: Of course.

Chris Matthews: But if you were to win, what would you bring to the table that would democrat or energize this party?

Carol Moseley Braun: I’ll tell you what I would bring Chris. Diversity. I am African-American, and a woman. But the diversity doesn’t stop there. Joe Lieberman is Jewish. So am I! As of two days ago. Shalom, everybody. Wesley Clark was a general. Big deal! I have begun taking karate lessons, so that someday, I can become a ninja. I represent the new face of America, Chris: The female, black, Jewish ninja face. [Makes karate chop motions]

Chris Matthews: That’s a good point. Wait, no, it’s the dumbest thing I ever heard! Hillary Clinton, if you did run, you’d like your chances against these freaks!

Hillary Clinton: Well Chris, I’m simply not going to run. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that I could swoop in at the democratic convention and make a huge splash announcing my candidacy. And it’s conceivable that I have already assembled an all-star shadow cabinet, consisting of John McCain, Tom Hanks, Rudy Giuliani, Bruce Springsteen, and Tiger Woods. But it’s simply not gonna happen. [Winks at the camera]

Joe Lieberman: Uh, can…can I just say something here Chris. If you’re looking for someone who can energize the party, Joe Lieberman is that cat. I am a hardcore, hip-hop, rock ‘n roll candidate. I bring in the noise, and provided that it is fiscally responsible, I shall bring in the funk as well. And that, my fellow Americans, is fo’ shizzle.

Chris Matthews: Yike-aroo. You’re starting to make Al Gore look like Kid Rock. When we come back, Hilary Clinton is gonna show us the drapes she’s picked out for the Lincoln bedroom. You’re watching “Hardball”, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Submitted by: David Plotkin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Goodnights

…..Elijah Wood

[ Elijah Wood and the cast stand on the ice rink in front of Rockefeller Center, all dressed like characters from “A Christmas Carol” ]

Elijah Wood: We’d like to thank Jet!

[ Jet waves from the studio ]

And Chris Kattan, for joining us! And the entire cast of “SNL”, for making my week incredible! Thank you so much, and Merry Christmas!

[ Elijah and the cast skate on the ice ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

TV Funhouse

…..Elijah Wood

[ open on President George W. Bush addressing members of the Air Force, dressed like a fighter pilot himself ]

President George W. Bush: Operation Iraqi Freedom was carried out with a precision.. speed.. and boldness.. the world had not seen before.

[ cut to Bush addressing members of the Army during their Thanksgiving dinner, dressed like a soldier himself ]

President George W. Bush: On this Thanksgiving, you and I have taken an oath.. to defend our country. We will win because our cause is just!

[ cut to Bush speaking with construction workers, dressed like one himself ]

President George W. Bush: We’ve worked to preserve thousands of jobs for America. Construction workers. I’ve called upon Congress to pass the Jobs & Growth package. And we’ve lowered taxes once again to create jobs.

[ cut to Bush speaking with senior citizens, dressed in a hospital gown and clutching a walker ]

President George W. Bush: Most seniors have got some form of prescription drug coverage from a private plan. This new Medicare bill I’m going to sign.. the seniors are plenty capable of making choices themselves.

[ cut to Bush speaking at an elementary school, dressed like a prattling schoolboy holding a giant sucker ]

President George W. Bush: We’ve got a brand new reading iniative, that says no child left behind. The budget boost funding, for elementary and secondary education. $53.1 billion.

[ cut to Bush speaking with NASA scientists, dressed like Mr. Spock ]

President George W. Bush: I’ve been a strong supporter of NASA. I do believe that the space program is important for our country, that it is trying to stay on the leading edge of technological change.

[ cut to Bush speaking to environmentalists, dressed like a tree, complete with live owl on his branch-shoulder ]

President George W. Bush: The healthy forest initiative.. environment legislation, placing stringent limits on the pollution that harms our water. Without sacrificing good jobs!

Owl: Hootsie said.. that’s a winner!

[ cut to Bush speaking to postal workers, dressed like a large, stamped envelope ]

President George W. Bush: This country prospers.. because of postal workers who give their.. best effort every day.. to make America a better place.

[ cut to Bush speaking with Africans, dressed like a monkey ]

President George W. Bush: The relationship between America and Africa.. will benefit both our people. On this journey I’ve also seen the economic potential of Africa. Botswana is a model of economic reform and has one of the highest sustained economic growth rates in the world. [ gorilla sneaks up beihnd bush and caresses him, Bush pushes the gorilla away to angry protests from the crowd ] Yet, far too many Africans still live in poverty. And providing effective and promoting.. providing effective aid, promoting free markets and the rule of law, and encouraging greater trade, we will help millions of Africans find more opportunity and a chance for a better life. [ gorilla returns, humping bush’s backside ] In Botswana, I visited one of our new hubs for global competitiveness that is helping African businesses sell —

[ cut to Bush addressing the crowd at the lighting of the White House Christmas tree, dressed like Jesus ]

President George W. Bush: And now, as an expression of hope in this Christmas season, we light the tree. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.

[ Bush pushes the lever, but the lights don’t turn on ]

President George W. Bush: We light the tree.

[ Bush again pushes the lever, but no lights come on ]

President George W. Bush: ..light the tree.

[ Bush pushes the level one last time, as two lone lights finally shine on the tree ]

President George W. Bush: The fellows responsible for these crimes will pay a serious price. Wherever they are, we will hunt them down, one by one!

[ the group breaks into song ]

All:
“We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Dean For President 2004

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: The following is paid for by Dean For President 2004.

[ dissolve to Al Gore and Howard Dean sitting side by side ]

Al Gore: Hello. I’m Al Gore.

Howard Dean: And I’m howard Dean!

Al Gore: As I’m sure you’re all aware.. we are, to-day, a na-tion.. in cri-sis.. poised on the edge.. of ca-tas-tro-phe.. and without a change in leadership.. we are quite literally.. doomed. It is essential.. that we have a new.. president.. in 2004. A leader with the judgment.. courage.. and vision.. to change our nation’s course and save it.. from disaster. A leader.. like Vermont governor – and my friend – Howard Dean.

Howard Dean: Thank you!

Al Gore: That’s why I’m pleased – and proud – to give him my support for President of the United States.

Howard Dean: I’m honored, Mr. Vice-President!

Al Gore: Like you.. Howard Dean knows.. that, under our current asministration, life in america has been good mainly for the wealthy! For everyone else.. it’s a living, breathing nightmare. As Paul Krugman has pointed out in the New York Times.. George W. Bush is not only.. the worst president in american history.. he is the worst leader of any nation on Earth.. going back more than 500 years!

Howard Dean: Really? I mean.. I’m no fan of President Bush, but uh.. but what about Hitler?

Al Gore: Number Three.

Howard Dean: Pol Pot?

Al Gore: Number Six.

Howard Dean: [ scoffs ] I’m not sure I’d buy that.

Al Gore: Oh no, that’s accurate. It’s from Tuesday’s column. [ back to his sales pitch ] Like you, Howard Dean knows.. the wreckless.. foreign policy of the current administration has alienated our allies.. and left us in a hopeless quagmire in Iraq, where, quite frankly, our military’s looking like a bunch of incompetent.. cowardly.. losers!

Howard Dean: Let me just say that I, uh.. I have nothing but.. respect for our troops.

Al Gore: As President, only a Howard Dean.. could end this insanity. Only a Howard Dean.. could go to Saddam Hussein and say, “Look! Why are we fighting each other? Our real enemy.. is George.. W. Bush.”

Howard Dean: For the record, that is, uh.. not actually my position on Iraq, I.. don’t know where you got that..

Al Gore: In domestic policy, Howard Dean will show the same kind of leadership.. by calling for massive across-the-board tax increases.

Howard Dean: No.. [ chuckles nervously ]

Al Gore: Tax increases may not be popular.. but Howard Dean knows.. they’re essential. Essential! If we’re to fund the huge new government programs our nation needs!

Howard Dean: I never said that!

Al Gore: Now.. in this election.. you’re gonig to hear a lot from the right wing about gay marriage.

Howard Dean: Ix-nay, please. Ix-nay.

Al Gore: That’s because, under Governor Howard Dean, Vermont became the first state in the nation.. to recognize gay marriage.

Howard Dean: Civil unions, not gay marriage.

Al Gore: Basically the same thing.

Howard Dean: You’re not help-ing.

Al Gore: As President, only a howard Dean could have – or would have – the vision to make gay marriage a national policy.

Howard Dean: This isn’t helping.

Al Gore: Now, some people don’t approve of gay marriage, but I’m with Howard Dean. Why shouldn’t gays marry? They let people like George W. Bush get married!

Howard Dean: That doesn’t even make sense.

Al Gore: As our nation continues its downward spiral.. and Americans desperately cry out for leadership.. our current president can only tell us, “Don’t worry, we’ll be alright, God has blessed America.” Like you, Howard Dean.. knows.. that’s a crock!

Howard Dean: Actually, I’m a very religious person..

Al Gore: This November, let’s all put our faith.. in Howard Dean.

[ dissolve to ad card ]

Announcer: Paid for by Dean For President 2004. Opinions expressed by supporters of Dean For President 2004 do not necessarily reflect those of the candidate.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Boys Choir

Choir Teacher…..Kenan Thompson
Bobby…..Jimmy Fallon
Todd…..Elijah Wood
Tony…..Will Forte

Choir: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, giddy up!

Choir Teacher: Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the St. Paul’s boys choir annual holiday concert. First off, I would like to introduce our very talented young soloist, please welcome high soprano Tony Manville. Next is acccomplised contralto Bobby Kitchal. And last but not least, colorator soprano Dodd Todd Bookareally. Now in this next number we’re going to take a break for a moment of holiday music and give you something a bit more contemporary, hope you enjoy!

Bobby: I see your true colors shining through

Todd: I see your true colors and that’s why I la-ove you

Tony: so don’t be afraid to let them show

Choir: your true colors, your true colors, are beautiful..

Todd: like the rainbow!!

Choir: see your true colors..

Bobby: You’re not that great y’know?

Todd: What did you say, Lord of the Dorks?

Bobby: You don’t sing that high, so lose the smirk, Captain Kirk.

Todd: If I’m Captain Kirk than your Captain Jerk, so back-off, jack-off.

Choir Teacher: Ahh, boys we can’t sing if we’re talking.

Bobby & Todd: Sorry.

Choir Teacher: Now, our next number is a well known holiday favorite, so, sing along if you’d like.

Choir: Ooo-ooo. Ooo-ooo.

Bobby: Silent night,

Todd: Holy night..

Tony: Hey guys, I think somebody better call animal control.

Bobby & Todd: Huh?

Tony: Because when I sing, it’s so high that every stray dog in the state is going to be in the lobby of this auditorium. This is what they call doing the dog whistle, check this out.

Sleep in heavenly peee-eace, sleep in heavenly pe-yaaaace.

It’s so hard to be this young and this good!

Bobby: Suck my vocal cord Manville.

Todd: What’s the matter Kitchal, afraid of a little competition?

Bobby: Not in your life, I know I’m the best, please.

Todd: You, the best? Do you know how much tang I get because of this voice?

Tony: Gross!!

Todd: I’m talking about actual tang, the breakfast drink.

Tony: I know.

Bobby: Well, thanks to my voice, I get all the tang I want. And I’m talking about the Poon vari-tey.

Todd: Well, I’m the best.

Bobby: I’m the best.

Tony: I am.

Choir Teacher: Boys, boys! Why don’t we settle this once and for all with a musical challenge.

Tony: Sounds fair to me.

Todd: I’m there.

Bobby: 3 words, bri-ing it.

Choir Teacher: Let’s start with some scales. Tony!

Tony: Do-re-me-fa-sol-la-te-do-me-ra-ne-ta! Yes, taste it!

Bobby: Do-re-me-fa-sol-la-te-do-tre-da-ne-la-le. Me cool, you not!

Todd: Hold that for me champ.

Do-re-me-fa-sol-la-te-do-me-re-wa-me-le-ma-le ma-sol!!

Choir Teacher: I think we have a winner, Todd, you are the best!

Tony: This blows.

Bobby: It isn’t fair.

Todd: You know what isn’t fair? That I even have to, you guys are way to old to be in this choir. Tony, you’re got to be like in your 20’s.

Tony: Really, I, I, don’t, ah, keep track.

Todd: And Bobby, you failed 8th grade like 7 times.

Bobby: It’s not because I want to keep singing it’s cause I’m stupid.

Todd: I hate you.

Tony: Shut up!

Bobby: Yeah!

Todd: No, you shut-up! Oh my god! What’s happening?!

Bobby: His voice is changing.

Todd: Somebody help me!

Ooooh! Thanks guys! I guess we vocal freaks should stick together. Let’s sing.

Choir:
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring ting tingling too.
Come on, it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you!

[ fade ]

Submitted by Jess W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


December 13th, 2003

Elijah Wood

Jet

Chris Kattan

Zachary Woodlee HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) launches the topic of Al Gore’s support of Howard Dean.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Joe Lieberman, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Elijah Wood’s MonologueSummary: Gollum (Chris Kattan) visits Elijah Wood, and shows off their new TV sitcom pilot.

Bio: Elijah Wood (1981-) has become best known for his role as Frodo Baggins in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.

Transcript

Boys ChoirSummary: Grown men (Will Forte, Jimmy Fallon, Elijah Wood) compete as members of a boys school choir.

Transcript

Queer Eye For The Straight GuySummary: Santa Claus (Horatio Sanz) is given a queer makeover.

Recurring Characters: Santa Claus.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun with Real Audio”, President George W. Bush adopts the proper costuming depending on what group he’s giving a speech to.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Transcript

Wake Up WakefieldSummary: Megan’s latest crush is Jazz Times Ten’s lead trumpeter (Elijah Wood).

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.

Transcript

Jet performs “Are You Gonna Be My Girl”Bio: Jet is a garage rock band from Melbourne, Australia, consisting of members Nic Cester (guitar and lead vocals), Chris Cester (drums), Cameron Muncey (guitar and vocals), and Mark Wilson (bass).

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: John Mayer (Jimmy Fallon) sings unintelligible holiday lyrics. Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) and her daughter Bobbi (Kenan Thompson) sing a duet.

Transcript

Versace Egg NogSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces her new egg nog to the masses.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Rosie O’Donnell.

Transcript

Howard Dean For President 2004Summary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) extensively explains his support for Howard Dean (Jeff Richards).

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, Howard Dean.

Transcript

Rialto GrandeSummary: A young comedian (Elijah Wood) joins Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) onstage.

Recurring Characters: Buddy Mills, Mackey.

Transcript

Jet performs “Look What You’ve Done”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts