Month: October 2018

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Madonna: An American Life

Matt Lauer…..Seth Meyers
Madonna…..Amy Poehler
Voice…..Ashton Kutcher

Announcer: Tonight: a “Dateline” special. Madonna: An American Life. Here’s Matt Lauer.

[ dissolve to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Good evening. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. no.. Katie is not here. She’s not coming. I can host things by myself. So, please.. give me a break.

Madonna. Two decades later, and she is still as fearless as ever. We sat down with the boy toy turned yummy mommy to see how her life.. has changed.

[ dissolve to Matt at sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You look wonderful. You seem great.

Madonna: I am great. I have a wonderful family. and I’ve never been happier.

Matt Lauer: Madonna, you’ve been famous for so long. You’re 44 years old now. How does it feel to be so old?

Madonna: Sometimes bad.. sometimes sad. Always old.

Matt Lauer: What is a day with the old Madonna like? What is her typical schedule?

Madonna: My day is like everyone else’s. Two hours of yoga.. an hour of intense Kabalah study.. followed by underwater pilates.. tea and scones.. a three-hour argument with Guy Ritchie in the street.. my children’s pilates.. and.. I usually end the day by having a three-way with Sting and Trudy Styles.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The old broad seemed as feisty as ever. And I was doing pretty well without Katie. I spoke to Madonna about her career choices. And here’s what the 50-year old pop icon had to say.

[ dissolve back to Matt at the sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You’re 58 years old. Anything you regret in your life?

Madonna: I don’t like to use the word “regret”. I feel that one can never regret their art. They can only desperately wish that they had not.. shaved their art.. taken pictures of their art.. and put their art in a book.

Matt Lauer: So, you have no regrets?

Madonna: No.

Matt Lauer: You don’t regret “Dick Tracy”?

Madonna: Nope.

Matt Lauer: “Shanghai Surprise”?

Madonna: Never saw it.

Matt Lauer: Dennis Rodman.

Madonna: He led the league in rebounding.

Matt Lauer: You’re telling me you don’t regret.. “Swept Away”?

Madonna: [ sighs ] “Swept Away” was the kind of movie that was.. not supposed to be good.. and, if people can’t understand that.. well, then, I just don’t know..! [ laughs ]

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The 62-year old who never stops re-inventing herself. She took a moment to show me.. how she’s learning to play the guitar.

[ dissolve to Madonna holding steady to an acoustic guitar ]

Madonna: [ strumming her guitar off-key ] It’s really important to get out of your “comfort zone”. I’ve made a lot of progress.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. 70 years young. Despite her decision to pull her controversial video, “American Life”, the album debuted at #1. When she performed her in-store concert.. “Dateline”.. was there.

[ dissolve back to Madonna performing her in-store concert at Tower Records ]

Madonna: [ plucking guitar ] “American Life!” [ customers applaud politely ] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for coming out to Tower Records, do you have any requests?

Voice: “Like A Virgin”!

Madonna: [ surprised ] Oh.. I don’t know.. I haven’t sung that one in a while! Is that still a song any more? [ laughs, as two-man band plays behind her ] I’ll try it.. [ singing ] “Like a vi-i-i-irgi-i-i-innn.. touched for the very first-” [ changes pitches of her voice ] Gotta find my key.. [ samples different pitches until she’s back on track ] Like a.. like a.. like a.. like a-” There it is! “Like a vir-r-r-r..” That’s not it.. [ begins singing with a deep voice, then stops ] You guys suck!

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: There you have it. Madonna. Sexy. Fearless. 80 years old, with a vagina closing in on a hundred. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. yes.. I’m going to keep my hair like this for a while. And, no.. I don’t know when it’s going to grow back. And, yes.. my wife likes it. And, no.. Katie is not as nice in person. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Goodnights

…..Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher: Thank you 50 Cent, and G-Unit and Nate Dogg. Thank you to Lorne, for making a little boy’s dream come true tonight! I appreciate that. I love you all, thank you to the cast – you guys were great! And thank you out there, you’re the best!

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
The Muskrateer…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Dean Edwards
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer V/O: [ over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald. It has been an atypically uneventful period, here in our forest bower. Food is plentiful, and I am not trapped beneath a tree. Together, we’ve created a perfect harmony in nature.. and I can’t think of anything that could ruin it. [ suddenly, a muskrateer and his muskrat enter from the bush ] Hark! Who goes there!

The Muskrateer: I go here. And if you want to know my story..

Announcer V/O: [ over Muskarateer slide cards ] In 1993, Ted Abernathy was a marketing executive in Bethesda, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his life cpartner and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Muskrateer”.

The Muskrateer: Now that you know who we are.. who, in Heaven’s name, are you?

The Falconer: If you must know..

Announcer V/O: [ voice is sped up over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

The Muskrateer: Well, Falconer! What are you doing on our parcel of land?!

The Falconer: Your parcel of land?! Donald and I have been calling this land home for nigh on eleven years!

The Muskrateer: It appears that we are at an impasse!

The Falconer: And how shall it be resolved?!

The Muskrateer: In accordance with the laws of the forest! My muskrat against your falcon, in a contest of strength, guile and speed! winner takes all!

The Falconer: Be it so! ] to Donald ] Donald, don’t be afraid to take it to the limit.. one more time!

[ Donald squawks ]

The Muskrateer: [ to his muskrat ] Tear him apart, Galen! Feather by feather! [ Galen squeals ]

The Falconer: Let the gaaaaaammmmes begin!!

[ dissolve to the contests – starts with Galen and Donald in a sack race; Galen in a sugar sack, Donald in a flour sack ]

[ dissolve to Galen and Donald running across the forest with eggs balanced on spoons ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing table hockey ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen competing with electronic robots, Donald knocking Galen’s robot’s head off ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing Scrabble – Glane spells out “Muskrateer”, which Donald challenges with the official Scrabble dictionary ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing quarters – Galen sips beers through a straw, then vomits profusely; Falcon squaks victoriously ]

[ dissolve to The Falconer and The Muskrateer surrounding their animal companions in the forest ]

The Muskrateer: Wellllllll.. Falconer! We find ourselves at an even draw, which brings us to our pre-determined tie-breaker!

The Falconer: So, it does, Muskrateer.. so it does! [ to Donald ] Donald.. remember your training!

[ Falcon and Muskrat have their finale over a game of Jenga; Falcon successfully moves his piece ]

The Falconer: Sweet Mariah!!

The Muskrateer: Galen.. whatever you do.. don’t visualize that tower collapsing!

[ Muskrat pulls his piece, but the tower topples; Falcon squawks victoriously ]

The Falconer: Victory is OURS!!

The Muskrateer: Falconer.. Donald.. it appears you have defeated us – this time.

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Congratulations! We did it! [ Falcon squawks his disapproval ] Fine! You did it! Oh, Donald.. meanwhile, this little patch of heaven remains ours, for at least another day! And, until then.. you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: The Falconer!

[ scene fades to black ]

[ scene pots up from black to reveal Ashton Kutcher tearing off his fake beard and exiting the Falconer sketch. Tracy Morgan approaches him ]

Tracy Morgan: Hey, hey, hey! Big Daddy!

Ashton Kutcher: Alright, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: Nice show so far, Ash-ton!

Ashton Kutcher: Oh, hey, man.. I’m sorry your sketch, “Big Black Guy” got cut out.

Tracy Morgan: Aw, don’t sweat it. I’ll do it next week – it’s perfect for Adrien Brody! Hey, man, I was flippin’ around, and I saw you on that show!

Ashton Kutcher: Oh, “The 70’s Show”!

Tracy Morgan: No, I don’t watch that crap! It’s that show where you play pranks on celebrities.

Ashton Kutcher: Ahhhh, you mean “Punk’d”?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, yeah! I saw the one with Pink!

Ashton Kutcher: Ohhh.. yeah, yeah! Where she thought her boyfriend got arrested for stealing a motorcycle?

Tracy Morgan: [ laughing outrageously ] Yeah, she was scared! That was hi-lar-ious!

Ashton Kutcher: Wicked! Awesome!

Tracy Morgan: Hey, listen.. I got an idea for you.

Ashton Kutcher: Cool, what it is?

Tracy Morgan: You ever “Punk” me, and I will beat your ass!

Ashton Kutcher: [ laughs nervously ] Look.. don’t worry, Tracy..

Tracy Morgan: No, I ain’t playin’! I will beat your ass!

Ashton Kutcher: [ getting more nervous ] Look, I promise you, Tracy.. I’m not gonna do that.. I respect you too much..

Tracy Morgan: Oh, really? So, why are all these cameras around here?

Ashton Kutcher: [ looks at the cameras, confused ] Well.. they-they’re for the show.. “Saturday Night Live”.. [ chuckles nervously ] Look, I swear to you I would never do that to you! I respect you way too much!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah.. so, who you gonna punk? Dean?

[ Dean Edward enters scene looking pissed at the mention of his name ]

Dean Edwards: Yo! Who gonna “Punk” me?!

Tracy Morgan: Ash-ton! He said he gonna “Punk”.. you.. out!

Dean Edwards: Say what?

Ashton Kutcher: No! I did not say that! Tracy, tell him I did not say that!

Tracy Morgan: Not only is he gonna “Punk” you out, he’s gonna film it!

Ashton Kutcher: [ exasperated ] I am not!!

Dean Edwards: Well, then, what’s with all these cameras, man!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! That’s what I said!

Ashton Kutcher: You guys..! Again.. they’re for the show! “Saturday Night.. Live..!” [ looks around desperately, as Lorne Michaels approaches ] Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: What’s wrong?

Tracy Morgan: He tryin’ to “Punk” us out on his hidden camera show!

Lorne Michaels: Bad idea, Ashton.

Ashton Kutcher: No! I am not trying to “Punk” him! Look.. this is all just a big misunderstanding.. They think that these cameras are from my show.. So.. just tell them..

Lorne Michaels: I’ve never seen these cameras before in my life.

Tracy Morgan: Oh, it’s on now, BITCH!!

Lorne Michaels: Ashton, I would run if I were you.

Ashton Kutcher: [ petrified ] Yes, sir..! [ runs like the wind ]

[ Tracy, Dean and Lorne all share a laugh over the way they “Punk’d” Ashton ]

Dean Edwards: [ to Tracy ] Yo! Did you how scared he was! [ laughs ]

Tracy Morgan: [ to Dean ] Sent his “Punk” ass back to the West Coast! [ laughs ]

Lorne Michaels: [ to Tracy and Dean ] We really fixed his wagon, huh, fellas! [ no response ] You don’t mess with the 2-1-2, huh? [ no response, hangs his head shamefully ] It’s an orange soda, right?

Tracy Morgan: [ nods ] Right.

Dean Edwards: Yo! Make that two, man!

Lorne Michaels: [ weakly ] Right.. [ walks away to perform his errand for his boys, then meekly re-approaches Dean ] When you say “two”, did you mean that you want two.. or is that one for Tracy.. and you want two for- [ Dean and Tracy give a dirty look, so Lorne retreats to take his chances ]

[ Tracy and Dean laugh and chat together as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 18

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Count Chocula Silver

Count Chocula…..Jimmy Fallon
Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Will Forte

[ Open on shots of seniors playing horseshoes, then eating breakfast in the morning, as pleasant music plays ]

Jingle: It’s a golden way, to start your golden day …

Male V/O: Breakfast has always been the most important meal of the day. But in our later years, we need a cereal specially formulated to meet our changing needs.

[ Shot of cereal being poured into a bowl ]

Male V/O: So, if you’re an active senior looking to start the day right …

[ Shot of the product ]

Male V/O: … reach for a bowl of new Count Chocula Silver.

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula in the front yard, playing fetch with his dog ]

Count Chocula: Atta boy, puppy, good dog. [ walks towards the camera ] Hi! I’m Count Chocula.

[ SUPER: “COUNT CHOCULA / Corporate Spokesman, Active Senior” ]

Count Chocula: You know, when you get to be my age, people start telling you to slow down. But the way I see it, I’m just getting started. Bwa-ah-ah-ah!

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula indoors, at the table ]

Count Chocula: That’s why I developed new Count Chocula Silver. [ Close-up of the box ] It’s got the fiber and vitamins seniors need to reduce cholesterol and the risk of heart disease, because like it or not, there comes a time when you need to consider your health. [ he sets the box on the table ] You see, awhile back, I had a real scare.

[ Count Chocula narrates flashbacks of himself as somber music plays: he wakes up in the middle of the night and clutches his abdomen; he gets examined by the doctor ]

Count Chocula V/O: I was waking up with cramps. I was sluggish and irregular. I went to see my doctor and he told me that he was going to have to run some tests.

[ In the doctor’s office, the doctor displays a chart detailing the risk factor of Men, Vampires, and Chocolate Vampires ]

Count Chocula V/O: He said many men my age were at high risk for colon cancer, and that, as a Chocolate Vampire, my risk could be even higher.

[ He sits in the examination room, looking nervous ]

Count Chocula V/O: I’ll be honest … I was scared.

[ Back to him in the kitchen ]

Count Chocula: I mean, I’m 178 years old and … all I’ve ever eaten is sugar-coated crap. [ holds up a bowl ] Bowls of it.

[ Back to the examination room ]

Count Chocula V/O: When the doctor said he had the test results, my life flashed before my eyes. But then he said, [ the doctor mouths the words ] “Count Chocula, you’re fine.“

[ Back to Count Chocula sitting at the table with the cereal. The happy music resumes ]

Count Chocula: And I intend to stay that way, by keeping my colon healthy. You see, Count Chocula Silver works with your body, to keep you regular, gently softening your stool, while adding bulk to your movements for easier elimination. Plus … it has kooky marshmallow bats! Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah! [ becomes serious ] Your health is your future. Make sure you’re around to enjoy it.

[ His wife and grandkids approach him as he eats, and he does his trademark laugh again. They all gather for a generic happy pose, followed by a final shot of the product ]

Jingle: …Count Chocula Silver!

Male V/O: Brought to you by General Mills, makers of Frankenberry for Post-Menopausal Women.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Plagierism

Teacher…..Chris Parnell
Danny…..Ashton Kutcher
Karen…..Rachel Dratch
Kirstie…..Amy Poehler
Peter…..Seth Meyers

Teacher: Well, I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know you had a big term paper due last Friday, so hopefully you rewarded yourselves with a little.. rest and relaxation. Unofrtunately, I’m, uh.. I’m afraid some of you may have relaxed too much.. and didn’t actually write your own papers. In fact, I think a certain few of you took almost everything right off the internet.

Danny: Damn!

Teacher: Something to say, Danny?

[ a beat ] No.

Teacher: Alright. Karen, let’s start with you. Uh.. you wrote your paper on “War & Peace”.

Karen: So? Is there a law against that?

Teacher: No, there’s not, Karen. But.. this is the exact same paper, word for word, that you can buy for $15 on termpaper.com. It even has the same title and footnotes.

Karen: [ weakly ] Maybe they copied my paper.

Teacher: I don’t think they did.

Karen: They might have.

Teacher: They didn’t.

Danny: [ leaning forward ] Bus-teddddd!!

Teacher: Kirstie.

Kirstie: Yeah?

Teacher: A very nicely written paper on “A Tale Of Two Cities”.

Kirstie: Thank you.

Teacher: Uh.. but I think you may have taken it from a website called dickensscholar.com. Do you know why I think that?

Kirstie: Because you like to be wrong?

Teacher: No. But an interesting guess. I think that, because the upper lefthand corner of each page says “dickensscholar.com.”

Kirstie: God! I knew my plan was too perfect.

Teacher: Your plan wasn’t too perfect, Kirstie. It was wildly imperfect. You also have an F.

Danny: [ defensive ] Hey, man! I know where you’re going next. And I didn’t get my paper off the internet!

Teacher: Oh?

Danny: All those words are mine!

Teacher: Well, technically, Danny, you’re somewhat right. Um.. your paper on “The Great Gatsby” begins with what seems to be an e-mail that you wrote to your older brother. [ holds paper up ] It reads: “Hey, bro! You remember Mr. Butthole’s class? I have my final paper due, and I was wondering if you have an old copy of yours anywhere. If you do, I’d like to put my name on the top of it and turn it in as my own. How’s college? Talk to you later, skater. Danny.”

Danny: [ offended by the accusation, but with nothing better to say in his defense ] You shouldn’t read other people’s e-mails, dude..

Teacher: [ sighs ] You shouldn’t submit them to teachers. You also get an F.

Danny: [ flustered with himself ] Aw, damn! Where did I go wrong?!

Teacher: [ mocks thinking about it ] Hmm.. I think it’s pretty clear where you went wrong, uh.. but for future reference, you might want to copy the content of the paper into a Word document, rather than printing it straight off the Hotmail web page. [ turns the page around to reveal color photo of his Hotmail e-mail page ] That makes it pretty clear that it was an e-mail.

Kirstie: You.. you are good, dude..

Teacher: [ modestly ] Not really. [ Peter enters the class tardy ] Oh, Peter! I, uh.. don’t really know what to say to you..

Peter: Then, uh.. don’t say anything, man..

Teacher: Well, uh.. I’m afraid I can’t do that. You were supposed to write a paper on the book “1984”.

Peter: That’s what I did.

Teacher: Mmm.. no, you didn’t.

Peter: Yeah, man.. I did.

Teacher: You most certainly didn’t.

Peter: Then, uh.. what’s that in your hand?

Teacher: [ holds up multiple pages of supposed report ] It’s a seven-page paper that seems to have been printed directly off ESPN.com. Um.. the book “1984” is never even mentioned. There.. ah, there are also some pictures of Mike Piazzo, which I doubt you took.

Peter: Yeah, well.. I did take them.

Teacher: [ impressed ] Oh. Well, then, your name must be Phil Steins, and you must work for the Associated Press. ‘Cause that’s who the photos are credited to.

Peter: [ meekly ] That’s right.

Teacher: So.. your name is both Peter Reed and Phil Steins?

Peter: Yep.

Kirstie: Nice! [ high-fives Peter ]

Teacher: And what’s with the AP?

Peter: That’s the deal, man!

Teacher: Ohh.. How about if I call the AP and ask if you work there?

Peter: [ confidently ] Suit yourself.

Kirstie: Ha! Nice!

Teacher: [ picks up phone from his desk ] Oh, hey – what’s your work number, Phil Steins?

Peter: [ quickly ] 5-5-5-0-1-7-9.

[ Teacher dials the number, as Kirstie’s cell phone can be heard ringing in the back of the classroom. Kirstie and Danny work out what they think is a clever way to pass it over to Peter unnoticed by the teacher ]

Teacher: What can I do for you, Mr. Steins?

Peter: [ anxious ] Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: No, you can’t.

Peter: [ fakes a cough, then quickly answers his cellphone unnoticed while raising the pitch of his voice ] Associated Press.

Teacher: Hello. I was hoping you could help me out.

Peter: I’ll try..

Teacher: Um.. do you have a photographer named Phil Steins, who is also a high school student who calls himself Peter Reed?

Peter: Mmm.. yes indeed.

Teacher: Well, thank you. You’ve been very helpful. Um.. there’s a certain young man I owe an apology to.

Peter: [ pushing it ] Well, you better go do that!

Teacher: Oh, one last thing: What is the Associated Press?

Peter: [ stuck ] ..The Association.. of magazines and newspapers.. or, maybe.. a kind of machine.. like, perhaps, a camera.

Teacher: Hmm.. Okay, thanks. That’s what I thought.

Peter: Goodbye. [ hangs up ]

[ Kirstie and Danny high-five peter, proud that you pulled off his stunt against the teacher ]

Peter: Hey, uh.. so what’s my grade?

Teacher: You’re also getting an F for cheating.

Danny, Kirstie, Peter: [ bewildered ] What..? How did you do that..? Are you psychic..?!

Teacher: [ sighs ] One last tip, okay? Don’t high-five each other every time you think you pulled one over on me. It doesn’t help your cause.

Danny: [ flustered ] DAMN!!

Teacher: Also, anyone who copied a User Review off of Amazon will be getting an F.

[ the class groans ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

The U.S.S. Lincoln

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior footage of the U.S.S. Lincoln ]

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

[ President George W. Bush steps up to the podium to address the crew ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. Tonight.. I wish to address, not only the crew of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, but all the men and women of our nation’s military. On behalf of the American people.. our allies.. and the newly-liberated citizens of Iraq.. I offer you our thanks, and our congratulations. The battle of Iraq is over. You have won it.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Throughout this campaign.. you have performed with courage.. brilliance.. and compassion. You have made our world a safer place, and freed an entire nation. And now.. you are going home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Your nation will never forget the sacrifices you have made. You have endured not only great danger, but separation from family and loved ones. But that separation is nearly over, and now.. you are ging home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: During your nearly ten months at sea.. you have done everything that was asked of you, without hesitation or complaint. Now, you are returning home for a well-deserved rest.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: And no one has ever deserved it more.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: And yet.. I know that, if your country asked today, you would not hesitate to turn this ship around, and head straight back to the Persian Gulf.

[ sounds of light, scattered applause can barely be heard ]

Because the war against terror is far from over.

[ sounds of light, confused applause can be heard, military personnel possibly thinking to themselves, “Say what?” ]

But for now, your work is done, and you are going home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Although.. you never know. The world reamins a dangerous place.. and your nation could call on you again tomorrow.

[ very thin applause is heard, more out of respect than enthusiasm ]

Although that is unlikely.

[ the applause is a little broader, though not quite as trusting ]

As I said – for now, you are going home.

[ the applause is greater, but nowhere near as enthusiastic as it was at the top of the speech ]

That is certain.

[ applause intensifies a little bit, but still not ready to trust where this is going ]

99.99% certain.

[ very thin applause ]

Let me ask ya’ a hypothetical question. [ clears throat ] If the United States were to invade another country next week.. which of the following countries would you most like to invade? You may applaud for more than one country. Syria?

[ scattered applause ]

Libya?

[ scattered applause ]

Argentina?

[ a couple of guys can be heard clapping ]

France?

[ broader applause than the other choices ]

Israel?

[ very scattered applause ]

North Korea?

[ a slightly higher applause rate ]

How many said North Korea?

[ those military personnel repeat their applause ]

Those of you who said North Korea, give yourselves a round of applause.

[ with relunctance, they applaud themselves for applauding earlier ]

You have been very patient, but, if you don’t mind, I have just a few more questions. By your applause.. indicate how much you agree with the following statement: “The men and women of America’s military deserve a pay increase, but what they’d really prefer is a tax cut to get the economy moving, especially an end to the double-taxation of dividends.”

[ no applause ]

Really? Hmm. Okay, one more. “If the White House were to claim that President Bush actually piloted a Navy jet during his landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, how believable would that claim be: Very belieavable..”

[ one guy can be heard clapping ]

“..not at all beleivable..”

[ heavy applause ]

“..or.. not very believable, but I trust this White House.”

[ light applause ]

Okay. Fair enough. And, finally.. the Republican National Committee would like to use videotaped images of today’s event in future campaign ads. Are you comfortable with that?

[ light to scattered applause ]

What if these images are used out of context, to imply your endorsement of specific policies with which you may not agree, such as the the elimination of double-taxation of dividends?

[ fearful scattered applause ]

Alright, last one. What if these images were used to open an episode of “Saturday Night Live”?

[ wild applause ]

Alright, then.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 3rd, 2003

Ashton Kutcher

50 Cent

G Unit

Nate Dogg

The U.S.S. Lincoln

President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses Navy personnel on U.S.S. Lincoln.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

Kutcher has forgotten to wear pants for his monologue.

Count Chocula Silver

Count Chocula (Jimmy Fallon) changes marketing approach to address seniors.

Jarret’s Room

Sole viewer from Iceland (Kutcher) stays in Jarret’s (Jimmy Fallon) dorm room.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.

Madonna: An American Life

Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) interviews rapidly-aging Madonna (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Madonna.

Plagierism

Teacher is well aware of students’ history paper plagierisms.

50 Cent performs “In Da Club”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) & David Gest (Chris Kattan) celebrate his birthday.

Tracy Morgan has eaten Saddam Hussein’s birthday cake.

Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing SARS Prevention Song.

Recurring Characters: Liza Minelli, David Gest, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly.

The Falconer

The Falconer (Will Forte) faces competition from The Muskrateer (Kutcher).

Tracy Morgan & Dean Edwards don’t want Kutcher to “Punk” them.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

Politics Today

High school dropouts discuss the day’s big issues.

Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

50 Cent with G Unit & Nate Dogg performs “21 Questions”

50’s Ent.

Prisoners incite riot when they mistake pre-execution performance.

Global Investments

(Rerun) See: 01/18/03.

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SNL Transcripts

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Residents of Baghdad went on a looting rampage this week. The looting began after US troops entered the city and informed them of the Rodney King verdict.

In a video taped message to the people of Iraq, President Bush said your nation will soon be free. The government of Iraq, the future of your country will soon belong to you. When addressing the Iraqi’s, the President spoke slowly and chose simple words because he always does.

Jimmy Fallon: US Soldiers have been given packs of 55 playing cards which feature pictures of leaders the Bush administration wants them to kill or capture. The cards include Saddam Hussein, Tarik Haziz, and Michael Moore.

Tina Fey: It is rumored that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez want to star in a remake of Casablanca. This will be the perfect film for people who liked the original but wished it was terrible.

Jimmy Fallon: Every year, we here at Saturday Night Live join the rest of America by holding our own NCAA basketball pool. Here’s the winner of this year’s SNL office pool…Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Well hello! Hello Jimmy and Tina! Or should I say “hello losers!”

Jimmy Fallon: Congratulations Seth. You did a good job.

Seth Meyers: What’s that Jimmy? I can’t hear you all the way up here, at the top! Ah the sweet nectar of success. (licks his fingers)

Jimmy Fallon: Stop doing that.

Seth Meyers: Delicious!

Tina Fey: Seth, why do you have to act like this?

Seth Meyers: Well I’d like to tell you, Tina, but anyone stupid enough to think Kentucky was going to win the tournament, wouldn’t understand! Duh, duh, duh…I’m Tina Fey. No one can beat Kentucky.

Jimmy Fallon: Come on, it’s just a pool man.

Seth Meyers: What’s that, I can’t hear you, Fallon. The rustle of your ten dollar bill is deafening. Why look it’s my old friend Alexander Hamilton. What’s that, Alex? I’m a much better owner than Jimmy? Why thank you! And let me be the first to say that you are not only the first but the finest Secretary of the Treasurer of this or any other nation. Oh, and what shall I do with you, one-time ten dollar bill of Ms. Tina Fey? Perhaps we’ll share two coffees and a scone at Starbucks, or, maybe we’ll take a cab almost all the way back to my apartment. With money like this the options are endless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Jimmy Fallon: You know there are only 15 of us. You do realize that you only won 150 dollars.

Seth Meyers: No I did not realize that. In my excitement I seemed to have shanked my math pretty badly and added a zero or three. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a plasma TV and a cheetah to un-buy. Good day to you!

Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers everybody!

Tina Fey: The annual White House Easter egg hunt is scheduled for next week. President Bush told reporters he still has no definitive knowledge where the eggs might be or if they are in fact, alive or dead. Regardless, the administration says it plans to spend $70 billion looking for the eggs, and then not find them.

Jimmy Fallon: According to sources inside Baghdad, the Iraqi military leader known as “Chemical Ali” is dead. No word on the status of his long-time rival, “Chemical Frasier.”

According to the New York Department of Health, the most popular name for baby boys this year was Michael. The second most popular name? Colin Farrell Jr.

Tina Fey: Darryl Strawberry was released from a Florida prison Tuesday after serving 11 months for violating is probation on cocaine possession charges. (looks at watch) 3.. 2.. 1.. and he has been arrested again.

Details Magazine claims that since the 1940s, a secret list has been kept of which famous men have large penises. I’ll tell you one celebrity you won’t see on the Big Penis List, Mr…Jimmy.. (Jimmy punches Tina – no sound effect) I was going to say Carter! I was gonna say Jimmy Carter!

Jimmy Fallon: Oh sorry about that.

Tina Fey: God you’re so paranoid. You must really have a small penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – again no sound effect)

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry about that. Yeah.

Tina Fey: In other news, coming up in just three days is April 15, the IRS deadline for filing your income taxes. Or, as Willie Nelson refers to it, Tuesday.

Jimmy Fallon: The new trend in fashion for women this summer is expected to be short shorts with some inseams being reduced to less than 2 inches. While men will mostly likely make a return to wearing the classic boner.

Tina Fey: Tonight for another perspective on the war, we’re joined by the Iraqi Minster of Information. Are you there Mr. Sahhaf?

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: (via satellite) Surrender Tina!

Tina Fey: Wha.. excuse me?

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: I have come onto your program to announce that the Iraqi’s have won the war.

Tina Fey: Minister, what are you talking about? The US has clearly won.

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Tina, you are delusional. Our armies have not only won, they have invaded America! Right now our Republican Guards are storming through Disney World, eating astro-burgers and going on all the rides! And get this, Tina, Iraq’s victory is so overwhelming that all of your Houlihans are now Hussein-i-hans and all of your Cinnabuns are now Saddam-a-buns!

Tina Fey: Excuse me, Minister, aren’t those American MP’s?

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Yes, Tina. But they have come to surrender to me. I will now take them for questioning. Surrender, Tina Fey, surrender!

Tina Fey: Ok, Minister Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf, everybody. He wants us to surrender.

Jimmy Fallon: When the New York City subways stop using tokens in May, it will signal the end of “token sucking,” the practice of thieves putting their mouths on the turnstiles and sucking out a recently used token. For those who miss the sensation of putting your mouth on a subway turnstile, the MTA recommends making out with Mickey Rourke.

Tina Fey: That’s a good joke there, Tiny Penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works) See how funny it is when the sound effect works? Billy Taylor, everybody, on sound effects.

Sony has created a cuddly humanoid robot that performs a song and dance routine and can carry on simple conversations with humans. They have named it Wayne Brady. Yeah! I got you Wayne Brady!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey do you want to do the punching thing again?

Tina Fey: Yeah, do it one more time. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works)

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Thanks to Natalie for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Uday Hussein For President

Uday Hussein…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: Baghdad has only just fallen. And yet, already, candidates are throwing their hats in the ring to be the President of Iraq. But how many of them are only doing it simply because they have a lust for power? Just one.

Uday Hussein: Hi! I’m Uday Hussein! My father ruled Iraq for a long time! And he was a fantastic murderer in his day! But.. unfortunately.. he is probably dead by now. So.. it might be time for a change! It’s true that my opponents say I am a violent lunatic! But what they don’t tell you is that I know all the hot spots and discotheques! I’ve got tons of jewelry and cars, and I’m addicted to sex! Elect me! I’m like a fun-time playboy! I’m a club-hopping, jolly fun cat! Come on! Now.. I know what you’re thinking: “Why elect the less competent son of a former president?” Well.. you guys did it!

Announcer: Uday Hussein. A name you can trust.

SNL Transcripts

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

A Message From Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein…..Horatio Sanz
Translator’s Voice…..Maya Rudolph

Saddam Hussein: The following is an address from the President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein – who is not dead.

[ dissolve to Saddam Hussein sitting behind desk, as Iraqi text appears onscreen with the accompaniment of a Translator’s voice ]

Translator’s Voice: Good evening. Ah, it’s good to be alive. Also, to be speaking to you live, rather than in the form of a videotape recorded some weeks ago, before the war started. Because that is not what this is. This is live. I don’t need to address you on tape, because what would be the point? I’m not dead.

In that case, tonight I speak to you, the villianous people of Iraq, for two reasons. First, to congratulate you on your heroic resistance to the crusader forces of Britain and America. The war, I think you’ll agree, is going pretty well for us, all things considered. Not perfect, but.. pretty well. Although, don’t expect to read that in the Western press. I can only imagine the lies they are printing, right now, April 12th, 2003. I can only imagine it because I refuse to read the Western press, and not, by the way, because I’ve been dead for several weeks. Because I am not dead.

Which leads me to my second point. You may also read in the Western press, believe it or not, that I am dead. Well, could a dead man do this?

[ attempts to do a magic trick with a coin in his hand, but is unable to perform it without a hitch ]

Ayway, I did it earlier.. But that’s not the point. If I were dead, I could hardly be appearing live on television, tonight, April 12th, 2003. Now, could I? Of course, the Western press will probably claim that this address is not actually live, but was pre-recorded weeks ago for broadcast in the event of my death. How do I answer such a ridiculous charge? First of all, I give you my word that this is live. Which ought to be good enough. But if you need more proof, let me direct your attention to this calender. [ holds up calender of the date April 12th ] I think that speaks for itself.

In closing, a final word to you, my beloved Iraqi people. In the days ahead, God willing, I hope to be able to resume my customary public appearances, to bolster your morale. And to reassure you, that I was not killed in the first days of the bombing, which I definitely was not. I am alive. But when you see me, should I appear a little odd, should I look different, or seem heavier, or even several inches shorter.. please understand, I am under a lot of pressure. It’s not that you’re actually seeing one of my doubles, on account of the fact that I was killed some weeks ago. Because, as I explained earlier, I’m not dead. I’m alive. I am speaking to you, “Live..”

Saddam Hussein: “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts