Month: October 2018

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

The Channel 5 Late Night Movie

Cop #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Cop #2…..Horatio Sanz
Black Man…..Tracy Morgan
Wife…..Salma Hayek
Carl Denham…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: Welcome back to Channel 5’s Late Night Movie. We rejoin tonight’s feature: the original director’s cut of the 1933 classic, “King Kong”.

[ open on stock footage of King Kong climbing a tall building ]

[ cut to a pair of cops standing on the street below, looking up at the action ]

Cop #1: Holy cat! King Kong is climbing that building!

Cop #2: Look how big he is!

Cop #1: He must be fifty-feet tall!

Cop #2: Yeahh.. but that’s not what I.. what I meant.. I was talkin’ about his, uh.

Cop #1: Oh…

Cop #2: You know..

Cop #1: Wow! He is well-endowed, yeah..

Cop #2: I mean, even for a fifty-foot ape, that thing is gigantic!

Cop #1: Yeah..

Cop #2: Huge!

Cop #1: Yeah..

Cop #2: Enormous!

Cop #1: Easy.

Cop #2: I mean, when you look up, you can’t help but notice it!

[ King Kong roars offscreen ]

Cop #1: Hey, look – King Kong is lookin’ in that woman’s window! Uh-oh! I think he likes what he sees..

Cop #2: Oh.. that’s not a banana in his pocket, either.. He’s happy to see her!

Cop #1: Oh, no.. I feel sorry for the people who live in the apartment below.

[ cut to the apartment below, where Black Man sits in his easychair trying to read his newspaper. He looks up to discover the elongated, furry shaft of King Kong, but can’t determine its true identity. ]

Black Man: What the hell?!

Wife: What’s going on out there, honey?

Black Man: I was just sittin’ there, readin’ my paper, the next thing you know there’s a giant Tootsie roll in our living room!

Wife: That’s not a Tootsie Roll, stupid!

Black Man: Well, how am I supposed to know what is is?!

Wife: [ reaches her arm up and touches the mysterious object ] Mmm.. you should feel this.. [ taps on the sideof it, demonstrating its density ] It’s really hard and warm..

Black Man: Well, maybe that lady upstairs is remodeling her place, and-and-and it’s a giant roll of carpet!

Wife: Well, help me get it out!

Black Man: Now, just relax, someone will come by and get it in a minute!

Wife: Oh, no.. I’m gonna move it!

[ Wife grabs at the bottom of Kong’s shaft with both hands, and attempts to drag them across. The shaft doesn’t move, but Kong can be heard outside writing in ecstasy ]

Wife: [ observing the noises ] What was that?

Black Man: I didn’t hear anything.

Wife: Well.. honey, get over here and help me push this thing out!

[ disgusted, Black Man puts his paper aside, gets up and helps his Wife try to drag the shaft out the window. Even with four hands in action, the shaft barely moves an inch, thogh the noises coming from outside indicate that Kong is pleased about the situation at hand. ]

[ cut back to the two cops observing from the street below ]

Cop #2: Uh-oh! Somebody’s got a big grin on his face!

Cop #1: That’s the happiest monkey I ever seen!

Cop #2: Wonder what’s goin’ on there, Bart?

[ cut back to the apartment ]

Wife: I swear.. the more we pull on this thing, the more it grows!

Black Man: Wait a minute.. wait a minute.. let me look out the window and see if it’s caught on anything! [ looks out the window ]

Wife: Can you see anything?

Black Man: Oh, damn! She must be hoisting up furniture!

Wife: Really?

Black Man: Yeah! There’s two fuzzy beanbag chairs here!

Wife: [ disgusted ] She must be redoing the whole apartment! And look at us, we don’t have anything new!

Black Man: Wait a minute.. I’m gonna grab one of the beanbag chairs, while you pull on it. Now, I think we can release it!

Wife: Okay..

[ they pull harder at the shaft, sending Kong to climax ]

Wife: There is that noise again!

Black Man: It’s probably the construction crane! Keep pulling!

Wife: But my arms are gettin’ tired, honey!

Black Man: We’re almost there! Keep goin’!

Wife: Hurry up!

Black Man: Now! It’s startin’ to loosen up! I think we got it!

[ cut back to the cops watching fom the street ]

Cop #1: [ laughing ] God, that monkey’s making the goofiest face I ever seen!

[ sounds of Kong calming down from his excitement ]

Cop #1: Now he looks kinda guilty.. now he’s leavin’.

Cop #2: Aw, that’s cute! Now King Kong’s goin’ over to that billboard, and rippin’ pff that giant cigarette!

Cop #1: Oh, yeah!

Cop #2: Now he’s gonna go relax in the box!

Cop #1: You know what I bet happened? The planes scared him off!

[ expedition leader Carl Denham emerges from the shadows ]

Carl Denham: No, it wasn’t the airplanes, fellas. ‘Twas beauty.. that calmed the beast.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Goodnights

…..Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek: Thank you very much, Christina Aguilera and everyone! Our wonderful audience, the fantastic cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live”!

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

TV Funhouse

Announcer: Next on ABC cartoons, more highlights from tis week’s “Are You Hot?”

[ cut to the “Are You Hot” set, as Betty Boop stands onstage to be judged ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. I’m loving that garter thing. The sex appeal is outstanding. I have to take some points off for the face – the head’s a little large for the body, you’ve got a real.. Elephant Man thing going there. And you need a ch.n 4.9.

[ cut to Popeye the Sailor standing onstage, mumbling incoherently behind his pipe ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. you got a great face. I think the forearms are a little big, you might want to do fewer wrist curls and start thinking about biceps. I’m only gonna give you a 5 for sex appeal, because of the mumbling. The mumbling’s a little off-putting. Sorry.

Popeye: [ speaking up for himself ] I yam what I yam. And that’s all that I yam!

[ cut to Cinderella now standing onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Oh.. my.. Lord. I’d get up and congratulate you, but I’d spill my coffee. Cinderella.. awesome body! I am cooking a burrito in my pants right now. I am growing an ear of corn down there in the vegetable garden. I’m not turning into a pumpkin, baby – I’m a cucumber! Ah! I just spilled my milkshake.. will someobdy help me out here? Wardrobe? Sorry.

[ cut to Olive Oyl standing on stage, with barely a rag wrapped around the area where she should have breasts ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, seriously – eat a cheeseburger.

[ Strawberry Shortcake now stand onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: ..And the bloomers – the Raggedy Ann hair’s a little weird, the smile – I’m sorry, it’s creeping me out, but.. that straberry smell is very sexy. I’m gonna give you a 9 for sex appeal.

[ Droopy now stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Droopy, the attitude needs to improve. You need to come up here and owm the stage, bro. Okay? Yuo need the lids tucked, I think, and the jowls, too. Man, you need to Botox the s–t out of those!

[ Marvin the Martian stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Dude, you need to get out of the tanning bed. That is way too dark.

Marvin the Martian: You have made me very angry!

Lorenzo Lamas: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna have to give you a 4 for sex appeal, because of that ‘tude. Sorry.

[ Dagwood stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, dude. This morning, how long did you spend in front of the mirror with Paul Mitchell texturizing gel, trying to give yourself that perfect bedhead. Try running into a decent salon, instead of the mailman.

[ Optimus Prime of The Transformers stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. The cheekbones are a little much. Your look is kinda cold, a little too angular.. [ Optimus Prime begins to transform into a semi ] What? No.. that’s not helping. Sorry.

[ Yosemite Sam stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, Sam. You came out here with confidence, and that was good. But, right away I’ve gotta take points off ’cause you’re three feet tall. Let me see the ass. [ Yosemite Sam turns around ] Okay, the body’s a 4.. you have a nice chest, but.. more points off for the tiny feet. Now, the face, the moustache, that’s you – I love it. But the eyebrows are a big problem. You need to put down the gun and buy a pair of tweezers.

[ Barney Rubble stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Whoa. Where do we start, bro? Haircut.. nose job.. trunk legs.. what is that, a man-dress? Can we take that off, and get the whole picture, dude? [ Barney disrobes, revealing a huge bulge in his pants ] Whoa. Okay. Alright. Respect. Now, at least I understand why you have a hot wife.

Barney Rubble: [ offended ] Hey!

[ Bam-Bam grabs Lamas by the feet and smacks him back and forth across the floor ]

Bam-Bam: Bam! Bam! Bam bam bam!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Frida III

…..Salma Hayek

Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie “Chicago”. Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of “Chicago” find it necessary to respond.

First of all: The movie “Chicago” does not support terrorism.

Second: Renee Zelwegger was born a woman, and has always been a woman.

Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist.

That said, we’d like to extend our-

[ Salma Hayek cuts into the commercial, standing in front of a close-up of Renee Zelwegger’s crotch ]

Salma Hayek: Don’t let her fool you! Loo very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can’t win Best Actress! She’s a dude! Don’t believe the lies! Vote for “Frida”!

Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of “Vhicago”. That one part paid for by Salma Hayek, with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Frida II

…..Salma Hayek

Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie “Chicago”. In fact, Mohammed’s apartment was littered with “Chicago” memorabilia.

[ cut to Salm Hayek ]

Salma Hayek: Hi, I’m Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie “Chicago”? [ hesitant ] No.. I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie “Frida” does not support terrorism.

Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote “Frida”. Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek, with a personal check.

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Frida I

…..Salma Hayek

Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] “Chicago” is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. “Chicago” is destined for Oscar gold. Or.. is it?

[ cut to Salm Hayek ]

Salma Hayek: Hello, I’m Salma Hayek. The movie “Chicago” is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let’s look at the facts. “Chicago” is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies – for example, “Frida” – is 118 minutes long. What’s the matter, “Chicago”? Couldn’t you come up with five more minutes? And, here’s what they won’t tell you about “Chicago”: a musical play with the exact same name and story.. has been running on Broadway for years! I call that.. plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don’t vote for plaigerism; vote for “Frida”.

Announcer: “Chicago”‘s won plenty of stuff already. Vote “Frida”. Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Bush Press Conference

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell
Kathy Davis…..Maya Rudolph
Kevin Miller…..Will Forte
Rev. Phillips…..Fred Armisen
Helen Thomas…..Rachel Dratch
Nicole Haggeron…..Amy Poehler
Ain’t it Cool News Guy…..Horatio Sanz
Laurie Donovan…..Tina Fey
Ted Vitner…..Seth Meyers
Hobo…..Tracy Morgan
Secret Service Agent…..Jeff Richards

[ open on exterior shot of the White House at night ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed, so that we may bring you live coverage of the Presidential press conference.

[ dissolve to interior, Press Room, as President George W. Bush is greeted by anxious reporters and flashing cameras ]

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening. Last week, I held a press conference to.. [ sighs ] ..discuss with the American people the.. serious matters are facing our country and our world. Some people have claimed that the questions were too soft.. and did not challenge this administration’s position concerning the use of force in Iraq. Because of this.. I’ve decided to hold another press conference, in response to my previous press conference. I have invited the most diverse and respected media outlets to join me tonight.. and I have encouraged them to ask the tough questions. [ reporters wave their arms anxiously, Bush picks one out of the crowd ] Yes.

Kathy Davis: Kathy Davis, Pineapple Growers Trade Association Weekly. As we head into war, is it safe to say that pineapples continue to be safe and delicious?

President George W. Bush: Kathy.. [ considering his answer ] ..I would say “Yes”. I, uh.. I feel that whatever the political climate.. the taste and enjoyment of pineapples remains a constant. Uh.. next question. [ anxious reporters wave frantically ] Yes.

Kevin Miller: Kevin Miller, online Matchmaker dating services. Do you believe that there is someone out there for everyone, and, if so, is there a match for a man like Saddam Hussein?

President George W. Bush: Kevin.. I believe there’s a match for everyone. However.. until Saddam Hussein learns to be honest with himself.. he will never have a successful relationship. [ Bush acknowledges another reporter ] Yes.

Rev. Phillips: Hi. Rev. Phillips, from the Good Shephard church bulletin. Uh.. how has your faith soothed you during this trying time?

President George W. Bush: Thank you for that question, Reverand. Uh.. it is true that when in doubt, I look to the Bible for comfort and inspiration. And, as it says in the Book of Methiticus 21:12: “You shall descend on the moustached one with strength.. and rightiousness.. and with MOAB, the Mother of All Bombs.” [ Bush points out another reporter ] Yes.

Helen Thomas: Yes, Helen Thomas here, Mr. President. I have served in the Press Corps since the Kennedy administration, and, yet, do you know you completely ignored me at the last press conference?

President George W. Bush: Yes. Next question. [ points to another reporter ] Yeah.

Nicole Haggerton: Hi! Nicole Haggerton, Highlights Magazine! Our readers would like to know: “Why did the robber take a bath?”

President George W. Bush: [ leans in with his Secret Service agents to briefly discuss the question and its answer, then leans back to the press conference ] I believe it was “So he could make a clean getaway.” Anything else?

Nicole Haggerton: No.. you got it..

President George W. Bush: Now, let’s have some tough questions here. [ points ] Yeah. The chubby guy from “Ain’t It Cool?” News.

Ain’t it Cool News Guy: Hi, I have a serious question. How kick-ass is that new Matrix trailer? [ laughs ]

President George W. Bush: It is the opinion of this administration.. that it is totally kick-ass. [ points ] Over here. Yes.

Laurie Donovan: Hi. Laurie Donovan, annual Donovan Family Christmas Letter. Did you know that our son Bobby got accepted to Hobstra? And little Susan is loving her ballet classes!

President George W. Bush: Thank you, Laurie. And, uh.. and I would like to offer you and your family my condolences on the passing of, uh.. Mr. Whiskers.

Laurie Donovan: [ breaking into tears ] He was a cat, but he thought he was a person..!

President George W. Bush: I know that cat was like a member of the family to you. [ takes another question ] Yes.

Ted Vitner: [ wearing dark shades and sinister Tom Cruise smile ] Hey, uh.. Ted Vitner, President of the Tom Cruise Fan Club newsletter. This, uh.. this war is, uh.. “risky business”, is it not?

President George W. Bush: Well-played. I don’t think there’s anything I can add to that.

Helen Thomas: [ getting rowdy and desperate ] Mr. President!! Mr. President!! We need some straight answers! How can you justify bombing innocent Iraqis for oil! It is just outrageous..! [ chloroform is quickly covered over Helen’s mouth ]

President George W. Bush: I’m sorry, but I only have time for one last question. So, my apologies to.. Cat Fancy Magazine.. to Jumbo Word Search.. the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.. thank you all for taking time out to be here today. Uh.. yes.

Hobo: Uh, yeah.. Hobo Street News. Can I have a dollar?

President George W. Bush: Yes.

Hobo: And I have a follow-up. Can I have another dollar?

President George W. Bush: No. [ clears throat ]

Helen Thomas: Mr. President, you have not dealt with the main issue! You have yet to speak on the fact that half the people in this country do not want this war..! [ suddenly, a poison dart hits Helen’s neck ]

[ cut to Bush surrounded by his Secret Service agents. Secret Service agent over right shoulder hides a bamboo shoot in his jacket and smiles mischieviously. ]

President George W. Bush: Uh.. I couldn’t hear the last part of Helen’s question. But I do think I know what she wanted to say.. and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

The Box

Monica….Salma Hayek
Jonathan…..Jimmy Fallon
Ray…..Will Forte

[ open on couple entering front room of house. An oversized box sits on the floor in the foreground of scene. ]

Monica: Mmm.. I had such a good time tonight!

Jonathan: Me, too! You’re really amazing.

Monica: I never thought I could feel like this..

Jonathan: I like what’s happening here.

Monica: Yeah, me too. [ they kiss ]

Jonathan: [ notices the box, stares at it ] What’s with this box?

Monica: [ like it’s nothing ] Oh, somebody mailed something to my loser husband..

Jonathan: You don’t think he has any idea what’s going on with us, do you?

Monica: [ laughs ] Oh, puh-leez! That ignoramous doesn’t suspect a thing!

Ray: [ voice muffled, because he’s inside the box ] He does NOW!!

[ Monica and Jonathan are startled by the yell, unable to determine where it’s coming from ]

Monica: Ray?? Where are you?

Ray: [ voice muffled ] Right here! [ top of the excessively-taped box pushes up, but Ray doesn’t break through ] Right here.. [ tries again to break through, but, no dice ] I’m in the BOX!!

Monica: What the ,b>hell are you doing in the box?! I thought you went to Cleveland!

Ray: [ voice muffled ] I WAS!! But I mailed myself HOME, to lay this little TRAP for you!! And NOW.. after lying in wait for 28 hours.. the TRAP IS SPRUNG!! HAA!!

Monica: 28 hours?? Where have you been going to the bathroom?

Ray: [ voice muffled ] THAT’S.. between ME and the BOX!!

Monica: [ annoyed ] Ray! How could you do this?! How could you spy on us?!

Ray: [ voice muffled ] Look, I am the one asking the questions NOW!! Okay? You guys tohught you were SO-O SMART, sneaking around behind my BACK!! Well, look who’s the smart one NOW!! I am!! ME!! [ tries again to push his way out of the box, but still no luck ]

Monica: [ snidely ] You need a little help getting out of your.. box.. Einstein?

Ray: [ voice muffled ] I will be MORE than fine without your help, thank you!! [ still faces great difficulty finding his way out of the box ] MORE than fine!!

Monica: Well.. suit yourself. Let’s go, Jonathan.

Ray: [ voice muffled ] WHAT?!! So, THAT’s it?! So, you’re just LEAVING me?!

Jonathan: [ like an ass ] Uh, yeah! She’s leaving you, dude!

Ray: STAY out of this, JACKASS!!

Jonathan: Jackass, huh? Why don’t you come over here and say it to my FACE?!!

Ray: SPECIAL DELIVERY!! One ASS-KICKING coming up!! [ Ray bounces the box in Jonathan’s direction, practically a fraction of a centimenter at a time ]

Monica: Ray, don’t do this.. [ Ray continues to bounce the box closer to Jonathan ] Oh..

Ray: [ voice muffled ] How CLOSE am I to your FACE?!

Jonathan: You’re closer! You’re still not very close.

Ray: [ voice muffled ] Okay, hang on a second.. [ attempts to bounce the box a little closer ]

Jonathan: [ aggravated at the nature of events ] Here! I’ll make it easy on ya! [ swaggers right up to the box ] Here I AM!! Now, ROLL THE DICE, BITCH-ASS!!

Ray: EAT THIS!!

[ Ray punches his fist and arm out of the right corner of the box. Jonathan immediately begins to punch the hell out of the box. ]

Monica: [ trying to break the two men apart ] Stop it! Stop it!! Enough!! You’re both acting like children!! That’s IT!! That’s IT!! GoodBYE, Ray!! [ starts to storm out of the house with Jonathan in tow ]

Ray: Wait, Monica!! Hold on!!

Monica: What?!

Ray: I just want to say one last thing..

Monica: [ sighs ]

Ray: [ pokes his head out of the corner of the box ] Mon, you look very nice tonight..

Monica: Look.. it’s too late for sweet talk, Ray. Now, what do you want?

Ray: I want you to come over here.. and give me one last kiss.. and tell me that you don’t feel anything.

Jonathan: [ anxious to leave ] No, no.. we’re leaving! Come on, Monica, let’s go..

Monica: No, no, Jonathan.. it’s okay. [ bends down in front of the box, and kisses her husband passionately ] Mmm.. that was nice.. It almost felt like.. it used to feel.

Ray: [ lasciviously ] You know, uh.. I’m naked in here.

Monica: [ the final straw ] Have a nice life, Ray!

Jonathan: [ sadistically ] Yeah! Have a nice life, Ray!

Ray: Flip off, you flippin’ DOUCHE!!

Jonathan: NOO!!! Flip YOU, you MOTHERFLIPPER!! You want some of THIS?!!

Ray: Let’s DANCE, FLIP-TURKEY!!

[ Jonathan runs back over and begins to kick the hell out of the box ]

Monica: [ pulling jonathan away from the box ] Oh! Stop it! Stop it!! You’re tearing it the FLIP apart!! Stop it! That’s IT, okay?!! We’re leaving! Goodbye, Ray!!

Ray: You’re walking out that door and you’re never coming back?!!

Monica: [ sarcastically ] Oh, I’m so sorry I forgot to cry!

[ Monica and Jonathan exit the house ]

Ray: [ solemnly, in the audience’s direction ] Well, there goes the love of my life. This box should have been marked “fragile”. And, by “this box”, I mean.. my heart.. And what hurts even more is that she left with that ASSSSS!!

Jonathan: [ runs back into the room ] I HEARD that, you SONOFABITCH!!

[ the scuffle continues, as scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 15th, 2003

Salma Hayek

Christina Aguilera

Edward Norton

Bush Press Conference

President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) takes questions from magazines.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Salma Hayek’s Monologue

Chris Kattan and back-up 80’s band sing “We Belong” to Hayek.

Top O’ The Morning

William’s (Seth Meyers) Mexican girlfriend (Hayek) clashes with show.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick.

TV Funhouse

Classic cartoon characters compete on “Are You Hot?”

Versace Oscar Special

Versace (Maya Rudolph) dishes on Oscar fashion diasters.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Michael Jackson.

The Box

Hiding in box, husband (Will Forte) catches wife (Hayek) with lover (Jimmy Fallon).

Frida I

Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for plaigerizing the Broadway musical.

Christina Aguilera performs “Beautiful”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Ferecito (Fred Armisen) & wife (Hayek) practice their new comedy routine.

Aril Lavigne (Amy Poehler) makes her punk presence known during visit.

Gollum (Chris Kattan) makes his own unique Oscar picks.

Jimmy Fallon sings Top 40-inspired St. Patrick’s Day songs.

Seduction Class

Sexy teacher (Hayek) helps adult students become bolder with their presence.

Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Ruth Weinstock, A.J., Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.

Frida II

Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for supporting terrorism.

The Channel 5 Late Night Movie

Downstairs couple (Hayek, Tracy Morgan) deal with King Kong’s dong.

Christian Aguilera performs “Fighter”

Frida III

“Chicago” defends itself, but Hayek spreads slander further.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Where Are They Now?

Darcell…..Maya Rudolph
Margie…..Queen Latifah
Barbara…..Amy Poehler

Voiceover: You knew their names, you loved their songs.. you watched them on TV.. but “Where Are They Now“?

The year was 1964, and there was only one name on everybody’s list: “The Cherylettes. Just when it seemed like the dance craze fad had run its course, this bubbly trio breathed new life back into it, with the dance known as.. “The Wiggle”.

[ cut to The Cherylettes, in black-and-white, on dance stage ]

The Cherylettes: [ singing ]
“Doin’!
Doin’ the Wiggle!
Doin’!
Doin’ the Wiggle!
Doin’ doin’ doin’ doin’
Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle
Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle
Doin’ The Wiggle!
Hey!”

Voiceover: The pressure was on. Could The Cherylettes come up with another dance hit? At the advice of their managers, they released their next single two months later. Teenagers and critics thought the second song was.. a little rushed.

[ cut to The Cherylettes on “Hullabaloo” ]

The Cherylettes: [ singing ]
“Put your heel in your palm
Put your leg in the air
Hold it while you bounce
Then bounce it everywhere
Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!
Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!”

Voiceover: Response.. was tepid at best. Immediately, the girls went back into the studio to cut a new track. Two hours later, and $63 over budget, they thought they struck gold with their new dance single.. “Party”.

The Cherylettes: [ singing ]
“Walkin’ to a party!
Yeah yeah!
Put your hands in two fists
Yeah yeah!
Swing your arms around like a windmill
Close your eyes and roam around the room!
Close your eyes and roam around the room
Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!
Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill
Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!”
Don’t forget to-

[ teenagers in the studio attempt to duplicate the dance moves, but end up accidentally punching one another ]

Voiceover: “Party”.. was not a hit. In the summer of 1965, Darcell – the creative force behind the group – had a nervous breakdown.

[ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminiscing about those crazy days ]

Margie: Now, after “The Wiggle” came out, we bought wild, expensive stuff! I mean, I bought three Frigidaires! I mean, I bought each one of my cousins a house!

Barbara: Mmm. I bought a tiger.

Margie: Child, she bought a tiger!

Barbara: Mmm-hmm.

Margie: We was broke as hell. And I guess, Darcell.. she had snapped under the pressure.

Barbara: Mmm mmm mmm..

Margie: Started writing back checks and shooting at people.

Barbara: Mmm.

Margie: Oh!

Voiceover: The law caught up with Darcell in 1966. She spent a year in the state penitentiary.. for throwing a brick at Dick Clark. After her release in 1967, the girls took one more shot at dance craze mortality. But Darcell just wasn’t the same.

[ The Cherylettes appear on “The Ed Sullivan Show” ]

The Cherylettes: [ singing ]
“Find yourselllllf
A piece of metal!
Then some wooooood
For the handle!
Elecrical taaaaaape
Hold them together!
Sharpennnnnn it
Into a point, now!
You’ve made yourself a shank!
I’ll cut you with my shank!
Shank, baby, yeah!
I’ll cut you with my shank!
Hooooo!”

Voiceover: It was a disastrous evening. Darcell tried to stab Ed Sullivan, live, on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. and then The Cherylettes broke up forever.

Today, Darcell Chambers resides in the New Jersey State Penitentiary, where she continues to write music.

[ dissolve to dissolve behind bars of her prison cell ]

Darcell: I told those bitches I needed some time off! But I’ve been doin’ real good since I bin in jail. See, I bin writin’ songs, like.. mmm.. let’s see, I don’t know.. “Happy Birthday”? Or, uh.. “Thriller”.. or, “The Theme to The Greatest American Hero”.. or, how ’bout “The Robot National Anthem”? [ singing ] “Robot! Nally!” [ makes shooting sound effects ]

Voiceover: Margie and Barbara.. left the music business.

[ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminsicing again ]

Margie: I don’t miss it! I mean, The Cherylettes will always be a part of me. I keep it right here. [ puts hand over heart ] But I don’t miss a thing about it.

Barbara: You know what I miss? The money and the sex!

Margie: [ laughing ] I do miss that, too! But you was always more of a ho than me!

[ they share the laugh ]

Voiceover: Barbara.. has a new career in the fitness industry. She works as an extra in “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” videos with Richard Simmons.

[ show still photo of Margie on cover of Richard Simmons’ video ]

And Margie went on to fame as the mother of Baby Jessica.

[ show Barbara standing in front of a well ]

Way to wither, ladies.. way to wither.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts