Month: October 2018

02h: Al Gore / Phish

The West Wing

…..Al Gore
…..Martin Sheen
…..Allison Janney
…..John Spencer
…..Bradley Whitford

[ Al Gore, still holding chihuahua from the “Politica Fiesta” sketch, and standing on the same set, steps forward to address the audience ]

Al Gore: Recently, I was out in Hollywood, and I had a chance to visit the set of my favorite TV show, “The West Wing”. I had the time of my life.

[ fade to black, then pot up on exterior WB TV studio lot ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office set on “The West Wing” soundstage. Martin Sheen enters set with Al Gore following close behind ]

Martin Sheen: The set covers over two full sound stages, and it takes a crew of over 150 to run it every day.

Al Gore: [ impressed ] Wow! This is an exact replica! Actually dead-on. You know.. I spent a lot of time in the Oval Office, making important decisions with President Clinton.

Martin Sheen: Boy.. I can’t even imagine the enormous burdon of being President.

Al Gore: Yes. President and Vice-President. Say, um.. would you mind ig I, uh.. [ facing the “President”‘s desk ]

Martin Sheen: Oh, sure! Be my guest!

[ Al takes his seat in the “President”‘s chair, feeling very comfortable ]

Martin Sheen: I guess.. while you were Vice-President, you never actually.. got to sit in there?

Al Gore: [ not paying attention ] Sorry?

Martin Sheen: [ flustered ] I was just.. I guess.. you never actually sat in a president’s chair.

Al Gore: [ disillusioned ] No-o.. no, I did not.

[ Allison Janney enters the set ]

Allison Janney: Martin? They’re ready for us.

Martin Sheen: Great! Oh, Allison. I’d like you yo meet Mr. Al Gore.

Allison Janney: [ excited ] It is so wonderful to meet you!

Al Gore: Oh, the pleasure is mine.

Martin Sheen: [ to Al ] You know, Allison and I are about ready to shoot a scene in the Roosevelt Room.

Allison Janney: It’s about global warming.

Al Gore: [ not wanting to leave ] I think I’ll just stay here for a few minutes.. and I’ll catch up with you.

Martin Sheen: [ starting to feel weird about having Al Gore on the set ] Sure.

Al Gore: Great!

[ Martin Sheen and Allison Janney hesitantly exit the Oval Office set, as Gore relishes the feeling of sitting in the “President”‘s chair ]

[ dissolve to “Several hours later” ]

Al Gore: [ picks up red phone ] Get me Putin! [ picks up red phone again ] Get me.. Putin. [ picks up red phone again ] Get me Putin.

[ Martin Sheen re-enters set, with John Spencer in tow ]

Martin Sheen: Excuse me, sir. I’ve got someone who’s dying to meet you.

John Spencer: John Spencer, sir!

Al Gore: Of course! John! I’m a huge fan.

John Spencer: Thank you, sir.

Al Gore: Say, John.. could you do me a small favor?

John Spencer: Of course.

Al Gore: I’m gonna stand over here by the window, with my back to you. And I’d like you to.. step up to the desk and say, “Mr. President? The Joint Chiefs want an answer.”

[ Spencer looks at Sheen with disturbed horror ]

John Spencer: Sure.

[ Gore takes his place by the window ]

John Spencer: “Mr. President? The Joint Chiefs want an answer.”

Al Gore: [ turns dramatically to face Spencer ] “Tell them.. we’re going in!”

Martin Sheen: Anyway.. so.. we’re done for the day, and there’s a great sushi place right near the lot.

Al Gore: Can’t I just stay here?

John Spencer: The problem, sir, is that they.. kinda want to close down the studio.

Al Gore: Can’t I just lock up when I’m done? I’m not gonna take anything.

Martin Sheen: Uh.. suuure.. why not?

John Spencer: Yeah.

Allison Janney: Who is ready for mositashi?

John Spencer: He’s not coming.

Martin Sheen: He, uh.. wants to sit at the desk.. for a while.

Bradley Whitford: Well, he did win the Popular Vote.

[ they all murmur in agreement about the fact, then big a collective “Good night” to Gore before making their exit from the set ]

Al Gore: Good night!

[ the studio lights come down, as gore leans back in the “President”‘s chair and stays through the night ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Coast Guard Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Vidalis…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

The Supreme Court is expected to rule this week whether banning cross burning by groups like the Ku Klux Klan violates the First Amendment. The outcome could determine the entertainment at Trent Lott’s Christmas party.

In a continuing effort to apologize for the statements he made at Strom Thurmond’s birthday party, Trent Lott has agreed to appear on BET – Black Entertainment Television – next week, where he is expected to read the following statement: “I sincerely apologize to the black community for my insenesitive racial remarks, now y’all show some love for Trina & Ludicrus!”

The Navy anounced monday that his next aircraft carrier will be named after former President George Bush, Sr. In a related story, Carnival Cruise Lines’ Clinton of the Seas have been thoroughly disinfected, and will go back into service.

Aw, take a look at this picture. [ Santa Claus hugging a little black girl ] Boy.. we’d never have problems like this if Strom Thurmond was President!

With a Sunday deadline for a transit strike looming, New Yorkers face a possible Monday morning commute without subways or buses. In response, the city has designated areas where large groups of people can get together and shove each other.

United Airlines filed for Chapter 11 federal bankruptcy Monday in Chicago. Not surprisingly, the filing was an hour and 20 minutes behind schedule.

Tina Fey: Last Sunday, twelve-and-a-half million Americans watched “The Sopranos” season finale on HBO. And right after that, creeps like me watched the HBO documentary “Cathouse”, about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. Here now with a follow-up interview, two working girls from Moonlight Bunny Ranch – Coast Guard Carrie and Vidalis.

Coast Guard Carrie: Hi, Tina!

Vidalis: Hi, Tina! Hi, Jimmy!

Tina Fey: So now, from watching the documentary, it looks like most of the women really enjoy working at the Bunny Ranch.

Vidalis: Oh, we love it. I mean.. we’re professionals. Tina. We’re just like a sales team, except.. instead of getting commission, we get cold sores!

[ they laugh ]

Vidalis: Sorry, Tina. It’s kind of an in-joke.

Tina Fey: I think we all got it, actually.. So, how many times a day do you have sex?

Vidalis: Oh, Tina, at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, we don’t call it sex; we call it a party!

Coast Guard Carrie: Yeahh.. we really wanna party with you..

Vidalis: Depending on how much you wanna spend, you can have a Missionary party.. or a Back Porch party.. a Mouth party..

Coast Guard Carrie: You can have a Toe party.. a Back of the Knee party.. You can pretty much name any part of the body, and then say “party”, and we’ll do it.

Tina Fey: Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you guys make a lot of money working at the ranch, right?

Coast Guard Carrie: Oh, yeahhh.. we make, like, $10,000 a minute.

Tina Fey: Wow.. that’s pretty good.

Coast Guard Carrie: And we’re always looking for new girls, so you should really think about it, Tina.

Vidalis: And, Jimmy, come on down. Come on down – virgins get a discount!

Jimmy Fallon: What are you talking about?

Coast Guard Carrie: If you’re a virgin.. you can have an Elbow party for the price of an Ear party.

Jimmy Fallon: What? Why are you telling me this for?

Tina Fey: He’s a little shy about being a virgin. But.. what can I get him for.. [ retrieves loose change from her pocket ] ..this much?

Vidalis: Um.. a dollar-eighty? We could have.. [ thinking ] ..intercourse with him for three hours.

Tina Fey: Oh, great! The Bunny Ranch ladies, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: [ weakly ] That was just a joke, you know.

As a gesture of gratitude for all they’ve done for her, this week actress Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents. And, as a gesture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.

While serving as the emcee for the New York Women In Film & Television luncheon this week, Rosie O’Donnell attacked Winona Ryder, saying that she has been “stealing things for ten years,” and that “her last film sucked.” But Rosie can get away with making comments like that, because, after all, she’s the best middle linebacker in Jets history.

Seventeen-year old basketball phenom LeBron James, who may be the first pick in next year’s NBA draft, scored 31 points in his national television debut this week. This would have never happened if Strom Thurmond were President.

And, finally tonight, a 32-year old Bronx woman named Dawn Martinez gave birth to a baby on a Manhattan subway platform Monday. While no one stopped to help, a few people did throw dollar bills into her vagina.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
…..Al Gore
…..Tipper Gore

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

[ turns to camera ]

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley, and it’s great to be back! As some of you probably know, I was hit, uh.. by a bus. And, um.. I’m grateful for all the cards.. and letters. Um.. I’d like to start the show.. by making an amends, uh.. to the bus driver, uh.. Luis Calogne, uh.. who felt terrible about the whole thing. Luis, uh.. it was not your fault. I was, uh.. having a horrible week.. I was in a horrendous chain spiral, and.. I essentially let.. the bus.. hit me. I, uh.. I guess I just wanted some drama, which.. I got in spades. And, so, uh.. Luis, I’m.. I’m sorry.

Well! We’ve got a great show today. Because my guests are Al and Tipper G., who have two books out – two books! Good for you! Good for you!

Tipper Gore: Thank you, Stuart.

Al Gore: We’re delighted to be here.

Stuart Smalley: I hear the book is about family?

Tipper Gore: The book is about..

Together: family!

Stuart Smalley: Which is terrific, because family is huge! A huge, huge issue.

Al Gore: Absolutely. And, in the books, we-

Stuart Smalley: [ interrupting ] My family’s extremely dusyfinctional. Mt father is an active alcholic.. big, stinking drunk.

Al Gore: Well.. in the book, we do profile families dealing with stress.

Stuart Smalley: Oh, yes.. and the stories are very inspiring.. wonderful.

Tipper Gore: Thank you.

Stuart Smalley: Well, I think you might have left out one family trauma that I think you two could have written very.. eloquently about.

Al Gore: Uh.. I’m not sure I follow you.

Stuart Smalley: Well, it’s something that happened to.. your family. [ a beat ] Tipper?

Tipper Gore: Honey? I think it’s about the.. election?

Al Gore: Well, sure.. that was a disappointment. But I wouldn’t describe it as.. “traumatic”.

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper?

Tipper Gore: Well.. it was difficult.

Stuart Smalley: Al? do you hear what Tipper is saying?

Al Gore: Yes. That the outcome of the election was very hard for.. her.. and the children.

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper.

Tipper Gore: Um.. well, honey..

Stuart Smalley: Go ahead, you can say the “E” word.

Tipper Gore: The eating.

Al Gore: Okay! I was a bit down, and I took some solace in.. food.

Stuart Smalley: Al? Tipper gave me this picture that she took about three months after the election. Now.. I think it’s pretty clear that you were in a humongous chain spiral.

Al Gore: Well, as you can see, I lost the weight, and I’m over it!

Stuart Smalley: [ glances at Tipper again ] Tipper? Is he over it?

Tipper Gore: [ faux crying, grabs a Kleenex from Stuart ] Oh, thank you.

Stuart Smalley: Tipper?

Tipper Gore: It’s been difficult..

Stuart Smalley: Yes. Do you think that Al has feelings.. about not being President.

Tipper Gore: Yes.

Al Gore: Well, of course I have! I-

Stuart Smalley: Al, I’m talking to Tipper. [ turns to Tipper ] And, do you think that Al is maybe in denial about his feelings?

Al Gore: Oh, for goodness sakes!

Tipper Gore: Maybe a little.

Stuart Smalley: Do you think it might be good for the whole Gore Family if Al dealt with his.. his feelings?

Tipper Gore: Well.. sure, I do.

Stuart Smalley: You’re doing good work! Good work. Al?

Al Gore: [ fuming ] What?

Stuart Smalley: You are in.. denial. But we are going to trace it, face it, and erase it. I want you to look at the mirror – come on, don’t look at me, only you can help you. [ Al looks into the mirror ] Look at the mirror. Come on. That’s it. Okay. I want you to say.. “Hi, Me!”

Al Gore: [ relunctant ] Hi, Me.

Stuart Smalley: “I am sad.. about not being President.” Come on.

Al Gore: I am.. sad.. about not being.. President.

Stuart Smalley: “And that’s.. okay.”

Al Gore: And that’s okay.

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be the most powerful man in the world.”

Al Gore: I don’t have to be the most powerful.. man in the world.

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be able to.. [ thinking ] ..bomb a country any time I want.”

Al Gore: Look, I would never arbitrarily bomb..

Stuart Smalley: Okay, okay.. I-I-I’m sorry. Uh.. “All I have to do is be the best Al I can be.”

Al Gore: All I have to do is.. be the best Al I can be.

Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough..” Come on! “I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!”

Al Gore: Because I’m good enough.. I’m smart enough.. and, doggonit, people like me!

Stuart Smalley: Feel better? You feel better?

Al Gore: Actually, I.. I do feel better!

Stuart Smalley: You do? You do feel better?

Al Gore: Yes. Actually, I do.

Stuart Smalley: Hug? [ holds arms out ]

Al Gore: No.

Stuart Smalley: Well! It’s been a great show, I want to thank the G.’s. You’ve been terrific. Goodbye! See you tomorrow.. I guess.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Al Gore’s Monologue

…..Al Gore
Sen. Edwards…..Chris Kattan
Sen. Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Sen. Lieberman…..Chris Parnell

Al Gore: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to ne here tihs week in New York, working with this fantastic cast! You know, the good news about not being President is that I have my weekends free. The bad news is that my weekdays are also free. But I just want to say at the outset tonight is not about rehashing things from my past. I mean, we all know there are a few things I should have done differently in the 2000 campaign. Maybe, at times, I was a little wooden and stiff, and I sighed too mcuh, and people said I was patronizing – patronizing, of course, means “talking to people like they’re stupid.” and, maybe they were right.

There’s also a lot about the campaign I’m very proud of. For example, I’ve said many times that one of the best decisions I made was asking Joe Lieberman to be my running-mate. Now, a lot of people don’t realize how intense the process of chooisng a Vice-President can be. It can really get more emotional than oyu would think. [ rubbing chin ] I remember it like it was yesterday..

[ flashback begins; fade to Malibu beach house ]

Al Gore V/O: I had started out with twenty possible running-mates.. and, by July, I had narrowed it down to three.

[ dissolve to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]

Al Gore: Senators Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman. I want to thank you all for agreeing to spend six weeks with me here in Malibu with me.

Sen. Lieberman: This house is so beautiful!

Al Gore: Only one of you will be chosen. But know in your hearts, that you are all very special politicians.

[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards ]

Sen. Edwards: [ in southern accent ] My heart was beating was so fast! When I entered into this, it was kinda as a joke. But now I really wanted him to pick me!

[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry ]

Sen. Kerry: [ confident ] I mean, I’m not worried. There’s a lot of pretty faces around here, but.. come on. I’m the total package! ‘Cause, you know what? I have eleven electoral votes – and I know how to use them.

[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]

Al Gore: John Kerry came on a little too strong. Edwards.. I liked. He’s young, he’s energetic..

[ dissolve to Gore having candlelight dinner with Sen. Edwards ]

Al Gore: ..33% of Hispanic-Americans go without coverage for everyday needs, like blood pressure and diabetes medication. That’s just unacceptable.

[ show close-up of Sen. Edward’s love-smitten face ]

Sen. Edwards: You’re amazing! How did you get to be so smart?

[ dissolve to Gore addressing the camera alone ]

Al Gore: Sen. Edwards might be a little too young. Also, he’s from the south, and I love that.. but I just came out of a long-term relationship with a guy from the south, so.. I’m looking for something new. Joe Lieberman and I really hit it off..

[ dissolve to Gore and Leiberman naked in a streaming rose petal-strewn jacuzzi ]

Al Gore: I think we need to take these Social Security funds, that people have worked so hard for, and keep them away from the volatility of the stock market.

Sen. Lieberman: I so totally agree with you.

Al Gore: These funds need to be protected. They need to be put aside.

Sen. Lieberman: I know.. in some kind of.. metaphorical..

Together: Lock-box!

Sen. Lieberman: Oh, my God..!

[ they clink their champagne glasses together, twist their arms around one another’s, and sip ]

[ dissolve back to Gore standing before Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman inside the beach house ]

Al Gore: I want you to know.. that I respect all of you. And I wish I could have three runing-mates, but it’s just not constitutionally viable. [ holds up single long-stemmed rose ] I’ve made my decision.

[ Kerry looks cockily at Gore; Edwards looks at Gore hopefully; Lieberman exchanges a knowing wink with Gore ]

Al Gore: Joe.. will you be my running-mate?

Sen. Lieberman: [ excited ] Yes.. yes.. oh, ye-e-es!

[ dissolve to Sen. Kerry analyzing the results ]

Sen. Kerry: [ weeping ] I can’t believe.. Al didn’t pick me! What is wrong with me..? If I can’t be in the White House.. as Al Gore’s Vice-President.. I don’t ever want to be in the White House..!

[ dissolve to Sen. Edwards analyzing the results ]

Sen. Edwards: I am so embarrassed that he didn’t pick me! I-I can’t believe I made out with him!

[ flashback fades, as we return to Gore standing at Home Base ]

Al Gore: It still pains me to think about how hard Kerry and Edwards cried that night. But I wish them the best, and I’m sure that they’ll make someone a wonderful Vice-President some day. Anyway. If I decide to host, we’ll have a great show for you tonight. Phish is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Last Call

George, the Old Drunk … Tracy Morgan
Old Prune … Maya Rudolph
Travis … Dean Edwards

[Near midnight on Christmas Eve. A bar. On the walls,holiday decorations hang side-by-side with photos ofclassic jazz musicians. Organ music drifts in fromsomewhere off screen. The place is almost empty exceptfor three elderly African-Americans: the gray-hairedbartender Travis who wipes down a table and his lasttwo customers, a man and a woman, who sit side-by-sideat the bar nursing their drinks.]

Old Drunk: Hey, Travis! How ’bout a littlerefresher over here?

Old Prune: Uh huh. Me, too. I could use arefreshener myself.

Travis: [joins them, mildly annoyed] Didn’t Isay “last call”?

Old Drunk: Don’t do this to me! It’s the nightbefore Chri’mas!

Travis: Look, I got to get home.

Old Prune: I want to go home, too. But I don’tgot no home.

Travis: Chief, that is not my problem!

Old Drunk: TRAVIS!

Travis: Okay, man! But only ’cause it’sChristmas Eve. Hey, I’ll tell you what. This last oneis on the house.

Old Prune: On the house?!

Travis: Any drink you want, consider it myChristmas present.

Old Drunk: Anything?!

Travis: Anything! [exits]

Old Prune: Ohhh.

Old Drunk: I’m gonna have me a brandyAlexander. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Theunseen organist seizes the moment and the Old Drunkbreaks out singing with a deep but inebriatedvoice:]
I want something I’ve never hadbefore!

Old Prune: You tell ’em, George!
[sings the first line of the chorus with a screechy,high-pitched but equally inebriated voice:]
It’s the holidays – There’s a drink that’s rightfor you

Old Drunk: I know that’s true!
[sings]
It’s the holidays – We’ll take a chance onsomething new

Old Prune: Chook-a choo, chook-a choo, choochoo.
Try a Manhattan or maybe a Singapore Sling

Old Drunk: That’s right.

Both: It’s the holidays, we can orderanything!

Old Drunk: Ha! I know that’s good!

Old Prune: Yeah!

Old Drunk: I like Tom Collins, he’s a old,dear friend of mine

Old Prune: Yeah, I know you two go wayback.
[sings]
I like gin drinks, somethin’ simple like a gin andlime

Old Drunk: It’s Christmas Eve, why not aglass of champagne?

Old Prune: Oh, that sounds terrific!

Both: It’s the holidays, we can orderanything!

[Having completed the chorus, they now talk over themusic.]

Old Prune: Hey, George, you know, I could gofor a mint julep!

Old Drunk: Ah, delicious. And an excellent,excellent choice.

Old Prune: Mm hmm.

Old Drunk: Me, myself, I’m gonna have astrawberry frip.

Old Prune: Oh! Rum and vodka.

Old Drunk: Rum, you ol’ bag of bones. With adash – a dash of nutmeg.

Old Prune: Ooh! Ooh! What about a BlackRussian?

Old Drunk: Well, I HAD a Black Russian but shewudn’t no drink! I – I wouldn’t mind a grasshopper,though.

Old Prune: Mm mm. Two hours ago. I’mconsidering the plum ricky.

Old Drunk: Ah, too tricky, a plum ricky. But astinger might work.

Old Prune: A sidecar for me.

Old Drunk: Aw, whatever we want, it’sprack-ically Christmas now.

Old Prune: You’re right.
[starts singing a half chorus]
It’s the holidays – I’ve never had aDubonnet

Old Drunk: You can say that again. Knowwhy?
[sings]
It’s the holidays – I’d really likeCourvoisier

Old Prune: Oh, me three. That stuff isdelicious.
[sings]
I like Bloody Marys, Dirty Harrys
Or somethin’ with a little zing

Both: It’s the holidays, we can order an – y- thing!

[The song ends. Music out. The Old Prune coughs. Theaudience applauds. Bartender Travis returns.]

Travis: All right, so – so what’ll itbe?

Old Prune: I’ll have a wine.

Old Drunk: A wine for me.

[Travis exits.]

Old Prune: Merry Christmas, you olddrunk.

Old Drunk: Merry Christmas to you, you oldprune.

[They clink their glasses together and drink.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Goby…..Horatio Sanz
DJ Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Myers
Professor Ralph Wormley Curtis…..Al Gore
…..Phish

(open to Jarret’s Room)

Jarret: Hey! What’s up everybody! It’s me Jarret coming to you from McGinn Hall hear in Hampshire College. Well folks Christmas is almost here and I already got everything I wanted. Two tickets to the sold out New Year’s Eve concert to the legendary Vermont based jam band Phish.I’m so phsyed! There my favorite group because it’s the only band that you can get kicked out of their concerts for not being high enough. Now give it up for my house band D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.

DJ Jonathan Feinstein: Hey Jarret are you ready to rock!

Jarret: You must be the gay cop from the Village People.

DJ Jonathan Feinstein: Merry Christmas, Jarret!

Jarret: Joining me now is my best freind and roommate, Goby.

Goby: Ho Ho HO HO HO HO ! Merry Christmas! Hey I got a bag full of goodies.

Jarret: Oh cool give me one! Give me one! Oh dude get that out of my room, you could get arrested for that. Were’d you get that much.

Goby: Santa Claus came to my house last night.

Jarret: What does Santa Claus look like?

Goby: Chinese guy,gotee, had a beeper.

Jarret: I think you might have a serious drug problem man. Ok I’d like to bring out our first guest a professor here at Hampshire, Professor Ralph Wormley Curtis.

Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: Hello, Jarret!

Goby: What’s up Doc! Ha ha ha he’s a doctor right.

Jarret: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Goby: What’s up man!

Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: That’s very funny, Goby. Boys I came down here to clarify a mixup down at the registers office. According to our record the two of you haven’t been to class in two and a half years.

Jarret: That sounds about right.

Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: In fact we never would have know you were here, but Goby turned in his first term paper since 1997.

Goby: I did? Dude I told you I was smart.

Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: Unfortunately! It was one sentence long and was written in pepperoni on top of a pizza.

Goby: Yeah! So!

Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: You ate part of it.

Goby: Yeah part of it! (someone knocks on the door) Oh that’s for me. I’ll get it. (Goby opens the door and Phish walks in) Hey!

Jarret: Oh my god! No way! Oh my god,Dude! Oh dude! That’s Phish!

Phish Band Member: Hey Jarret we were just driving through on the tour bus and thought we’d stop on by we love your show.

Jarret: wow! You watch my show.

Phish Band Member: No we acidentally ran over Goby with our tour bus.

Phish Band Member: Yeah! He was passed out on the road and threatened to sue us if we didn’t come on the show.

Jarret: Goby you got ran over by Phish!

Goby: Phish? I thought it was Chuck Norris.

Jarret: Seriously guys I’m like your biggest fan.

Goby: Yeah man I love Walker,Texas Ranger. Awesome! Oh man!

Jarret: What?

Goby: I almost forgot last night Chuck Norris ran me over with a van.

Jarret: Yeah! Yeah! I heard about that.

Goby: Yeah man! I would have fought him but he knows karate. You know I took hold of the situation and I decided to exzute!

Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: Well if it isn’t Mr. Anastacio, Mr. McConnell, Mr. Gordon, and Mr. Fishman. I haven’t seen you boys since I tought at UVM. Still wasting your time playing your “music”.

Phish Band Member: Yeah! I Guess!

Prof. Ralph Wormley Curtis: I’ll tell you now what I told you then. Get a job, you damn dirty hippies. Jarret, Gobyand thoughs of you out there let this be a lesson to you. Spend all your time skipping class and goobing off this is what you turn into.

Jarret: That’s cool with us!

Goby: Yeah! Tha’s alright with me.

Jarret: Hey you guys you don’t have to say yes but, it would be totally awesome if you’d paly a song with us.

Phish Band Member: Sure!

Jarret: I don’t know if any of you know this but, Goby is known as Zen Beer, master of the beer can flute.

Goby: Yep! (plays on his beer can flute)

Jarret: That’s pretty beautiful! Yeah keep going! Yeah! 1,2,3,4

(all together singing)

The wheels are the things on the cars and they contact with the road,The tires are the things on the cars and they contact with the road.

Jarret: That’s our show you guys. Merry Christmas! Goodbye!

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Amy Sanborn…..Amy Poehler
Trent Lott…..Al Gore
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! This week, Iraq handed over a 12,000-page document, detailing every missile, gun, and pointed stick they got! They think they can still avoid a war! Guys! Save yourselves the paperwork! We’re gonna invade ya’! You got a better chance of keeping Liza Minelli out of the medicine cabinet! Meanwhile, at home, as Campaign 2004 prepares to blast off, President Bush fires Pitt, fires O’Neill, fires Lindsey, Kissinger just stepped down. The Bush team has fewer original members than Destiny’s Child! Does all this upheaval weakened Bush’s chances of re-election. Or, as the Democratic Party said – knock-kneed and gutless – they couldn’t win a Presidential campaign against Carrot Top! With us tonight: lead strategist for the Democratic National Committee, Amy Sanborn!

Amy Sanborn: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I’ve known you for three seconds, I’m already bored! Also joining us: he caused a scandal this week when he said America would have been better off if we’d elected Strom Thurmond President in 1948, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott!

Trent Lott: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Senator Lott! High ranking members of both parties are calling for you to step down after your comments about Sen. Thurmond, who was a segregationist! Does your bonehead behavior spell trouble for Republicans?

Trent Lott: Chris. When I said our country wouldn’t have all these problems if Strom Thurmond had been elected President, it had nothing to do with segregation. I simply meant that things would have been better if Thurmond were President, because he would have kept white people and black peole separate. I just hate it when Liberals take me out of context like that.

Chris Matthews: Why do I get the feeling you thought “Birth Of A Nation” was the feel-good hit of the summer! Is this the kind of thing Democrats will point to at election time?

Amy Sanborn: [ chuckles ] Chris, we have bigger fish to fry. Democrats need to show how our agenda is different than the Republicans. For example, Republicans want to go to war with Iraq; we only support such a war. Republicans want privatized Social Security; we believe Social Security should be privatized. Yuo see? There are key differences.

Chris Matthews: Yeah, here’s one key difference – there are no Democrats in office any more!

Trent Lott: Chris? Chris. It has come to my attention that some of my comments about Strom Thurmond a minute ago, may have been construed as racially insensitive. Let me apologize. I meant on disrespect to no white people. I, myself, am a white man, and some, if not all of my best friends are white. And let me make this clear: as long as we are in office, we will leave no white person behind.

Chris Matthews: Senator, you’re shedding a lot of light on the situation. Unfortunately, the light’s coming from a cross you just set on fire! Amy Sanborn! Amy, should the Senator Grand Wizard here be punished?

Amy Sanborn: Chris, the Democratic Party condemns Senator Lott’s comments. We believe they are deplorable and worthy of censure. Unless, somehow it turns out everyone is cool with what he said, in which case, so are we!

Chris Matthews: I wanna try something! Hey, Sanborn! Republicans want to outlaw kitty cats!

Amy Sanborn: [ chuckling ] Who doesn’t!

Chris Matthews: Republicans want “Baby Got Back” to be the National Anthem!

Amy Sanborn: [ chuckling ] Democrats have always loved that song!

Chris Matthews: Republicans want to put Osama bin Laden on the Supreme Court!

Amy Sanborn: It’s about time.

Chris Matthews: Whoa.. wowie-wow-wow-wow! God! Joining us tonight to comment on this mess, is one of “Hardball”‘s most dependable lunatics: Rev. Al Sharpton!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ gruff ] Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Rev. Sharpton! You heard what Reich”s Marshall Lott has said about Strom Thurmond! You gotta be chompin’ at the bit to lace into this goose-stepper!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Well, actually, Chris, I’m not. Senator Lott made a mistake. He has apologized for it, and I’m prepared to accept his apology and move on.

Chris Matthews: Really?

Rev. Al Sharpton: Hell no!! This is an outrage! There are no words to express my anger! I’m so mad, I made some words up! That’s how mad I am! [ begins to chant random made-up words, to the delight of Chris Matthews ]

Chris Matthews: [ laughing heartily ] Nicely done, Reverend! I didn’t see that coming! Anyone want to respond to the crazy noises coming out of Sharpton’s mouth!

Trent Lott: If I may, Chris? Too much emphasis has been placed on Sen. Thurmond’s pro-segregation campaign. There was a lot more to his 1948 platform. He wanted to make it illegal for black people and white people to marry each other. He had great ideas for raising tax revenue, like making black people pay to vote. The man is a genius!

Chris Matthews: As soon as I finish counting all the ways that’s stupid, I’ll start yelling at ya’! Reverend, you wanna hit us with any more crazy words?

Rev. Al Sharpton: Sorry, Chris! I’m out of words. I’m so angry, all I can do is mak faces, like this. [ rubs his face and pouts his lips out ]

Chris Matthews: Thank you, Rev. Gumby! We’re gonna take a break! When we come back, Trent lott explains why America would be better off if the Germans had won World War II! Abada “Hahbah!”

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Seasons Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on Horatio Sanz dressed as a Teddy Bear, Jimmy Fallon dressed as Harry Potter, Chris Kattan dressed as a Soldier, and Tracy Morgan dressed as Elmo. They break into their traditional Christmas tune. ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

Jimmy Fallon: Two…

Horatio Sanz: One-

Jimmy Fallon: Two-

Horatio Sanz: Three-

Jimmy Fallon: Four!

[ they start playing ]

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says
Christmas time is nee-ear!
I don’t care what your mama says-“

Horatio & Jimmy: “Christmastime will soon be he-ere!”

Horatio Sanz: “All I know is that Santa Claus
don’t care about breaking no flying laws.
Santa’s bringing goodies to the boys and girls
in every nook and cranny in this crazy-ass world!”

Horatio & Jimmy: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care about anything else.
Christmastime is nea-ar.”
I don’t care what anyone says
Christmas is full of chee-eer.

I don’t care about the five o’clock news
I don’t care if our lights blow out a fuse!”

Horatio & Jimmy: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
In the good ol’ U.S. of A.
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

TV Funhouse

[ open on Charlie Brown mulling over his decrepit bare-branched Christmas tree, to the sounds of soft Christmas music ]

Charlie Brown: Ugh! Everything I touch gets ruined!

[ with head hung low, Charle Brown sullenly walks away from his tree ]

Linus: [ holds the branch up high ] I never thought it was such a bad little tree.. Maybe it just needs a little love.

[ Linus and company crowd around the tree, wave their arms about, and suddnely the tree is decorated in full and shining brightly ]

[ music stops, as the group stared ocnfusedly at the once-puny tree ]

Schroeder: What did we just do?

Violet: All I did was wave my arms around!

Lucy: Wait a minute.. over here.

[ the gang crowd around a broken-down abandoned car, wave their arms about, and suddenly reveal a bow-topped Porsche ]

Kid: Wow.

Sally: We possess an awesome power!

[ the gang crowd around a homeless bum with a cardboard “Please Help I’m Homeless” sign, waves their arms about, and reveal the same bum with a flashy neon “Please Help I’m Homelss” sign ]

[ the gang crowd around a street hooker, wave their arms about, and reveal Christina Aguilera ]

[ the gang crowd around two kids making angels in the snow, wave their arms about, and reveal the angels coming to life and taking the kids’ souls away ]

[ the gang crowd around Liza Minelli and David Gest, wave their arms about, and reveal a classier-looking David Gest with an attractive hunk of man; pleased with the results, David hands the gang a big bag of money ]

Lucy: You blockhead! This whole time, we could have been making money!

[ well-known Charlie Brown theme music plays, as people crowd around Lucy’s psychiatrity booth to pay for hand-waving makeovers ]

[ the gang crowd around Sally Jesse Raphael, wave their arms about, and turn Sally into a more attractive woman still in a pair of red glasses ]

[ the gang crowd around a man rubbing his girlfriend’s ass, wave their arms about, giving the man a bigger hand with which to rub his girlfriend’s ass ]

[ the gang crowd around Michael Jackson holding his baby with a diaper over his head, wave their arms about, turning the baby into a more-evolved human form now punching Jackson in the face ]

[ the gang crowd around Anna Nicole Smith, wave their arms about, turning Anna into Ozzy Osbourne, who chomps the head off his pet dog ]

[ Charlie Brown re-enters scene, aghast at the events unfolding before him ]

Charlie Brown: What’s going on here?

Lucy: This has been the most lucrative Christmas ever, Charlie Brown!

Charlie Brown: What about the real meaning of Christmas?

Linus: He’s right!

[ the gang crowd around Charlie Brown, wave their arms about, and suddenly Charlie has a full head of luxurious hair ]

Charlie Brown: Wow!

Linus: Good grief!

[ the gang crowd around Woodstock’s birdbath, wave their arms about, turning the birdbath into a pool filled with two hot blondes ]

[ the gang crowd around the empty sky, wave their arms about, placing a decorated sun in the sky ]

[ the gang crowd around Schroeder, wave their arms about, turning him into rock group Phish ]

[ the gang crowd around a grumbling Snoopy, wave their arms about, turning him into a golden idol statue ]

[ the gang crowd around Marcy and Peppermint Patty, wave their arms about, turning them into two tall kissing lesbians ]

[ Having had enough, Linus steps in to voice his dissatisfaction ]

Linus: Blasphemers! [ the action stops, as he quotes from the Bible ] “Woe unto thee. Put off thine ornaments from thee. Ye who sinned in the sight of God shall be blotted out from his book. He shall visit thy sin upon thee, that his wrath may burn hot and consume thee.”

Lucy: You blockhead!

Linus: Lights, please?

[ a lightning bolt zaps onto the land, making the message clear ]

[ dissolve to everything returned to normal, except for the lesbians ]

Charlie Brown: Good-bye.. lesbians..

[ the lesbians are turned back into Marcy and Peppermint Patty ]

Linus: You still need to do a good deed, to make it Christmas again.

Lucy: Follow me!

[ the gang make their way to the NBC News Studio, where anchor Tom Brokaw is delivering the nightly news about the situation in Iraq ]

[ the gang crowd around Tom Brokaw, wave their arms about, turning him into Brad Pitt, who, thusly, continues the newscast ]

Charlie Brown Gang: Merry Christmas, everyone!!

[ the gang break into a chorus of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!”, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02h: Al Gore / Phish

Making Out Backstage

…..Al Gore
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tipper Gore
…..Chris Kattan
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Tracy morgan

Al Gore: Lorne, have you seen Tipper?

Lorne Michaels: She just went to see.. if your guests got in okay.

Al Gore: That was more than ten minutes ago!

Lorne Michaels: It was five.

Al Gore: You don’t understand, Lorne – this isa the longest we’ve been apart!

Lorne Michaels: [ surprised ] Really?

Al Gore: And I don’t think I can do this show without her!

Lorne Michaels: Honestly.. I think it’s going to be fine.

[ Jimmy Fallon enters hallway ]

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, guys.

Al Gore: Jimmy, Jimmy! Have you seen my wife?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, yeah.. I just passed her in the hallway.

Al Gore: Oh! Is she heading this way!

Jimmy Fallon: Maybe.. I don’t know..

Al Gore: [ flustered ] You don’t know??!! Look! You don’t understand! My wife is missing!

Jimmy Fallon: Here she is.

[ Tipper enters hallway ]

Tipper Gore: Hi. I got them in.

Al Gore: [ excited ] Tipper! [ rushes in and wraps Tipper in an extreme kiss ]

Jimmy Fallon: Look at that. Isn’t that nice?

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] It is.

Jimmy Fallon: They must really love each other. [ struggling to fill the awkward silence ] You don’t see many married couples this affectionate.

Lorne Michaels: No.. no, you don’t.

Jimmy Fallon: I think it’s nice.

[ they watch as Al and Tipper never come up for air ]

Jimmy Fallon: So, you going anywhere for the holiday?

Lorne Michaels: Um.. we’ll be in the city for Christmas, then out to the country. How about you?

Jimmy Fallon: I’m gonna go down to L.A. to take a meeting on a sitcom I’m doing next Fall.

Lorne Michaels: [ surprised ] You’re not coming back to the show?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. no.

Lorne Michaels: Really?

[ Chris Kattan and Maya Rudolph enter the hall, looking upon Al and Tipper ]

Chris Kattan: Ohh.. that is really sweet, isn’t it?

Lorne Michaels: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: I-I-I was thinking.. maybe we should try to get them to stop.

Lorne Michaels: I’m sure they’re just about finished.

[ Al and Tipper still don’t come up for air ]

Jimmy Fallon: I think we should try to get them to stop!

Lorne Michaels: [ nudging Al ] Al? Al? The thing is.. the show is about to start, so you might think about, maybe, wrapping it up..

Maya Rudolph: Hey, Lorne, is she alright?

Lorne Michaels: What do you mean?

Maya Rudolph: I mean, look at her – I don’t think she can breathe.

[ Tipper’s arms begin to flail in distress ]

Lorne Michaels: Al! You’ve got to stop. We’re worried about Tipper. Honestly. [ to Jimmy ] Jimmy, get Tracy. [ Jimmy runs down the hall ] We think you may be suffocating her, Al..

[ Maya grabs Tipper’s arm and feels for a pulse ]

Maya Rudolph: Hurry!! We’re losing her!!

Lorne Michaels: Al? Please, I’m begging you..

[ Tracy Morgan saunters into the hallway ]

Lorne Michaels: Tracy, have you got your tazer?

Tracy Morgan: Yep! Right here! [ pulls tazer out of jacket ] You giving me authoritization?

Lorne Michaels: [ confidently ] I am.

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Move back. Stand back. [ everyone moves aside ] Mr. Gore, sir! Let her go!

Lorne Michaels: Do it.

[ Tracy zaps Al Gore with the tazer ]

[ Al springs loose from Tipper, in a daze, then, realizing he’s not locked to her lips, returns to the exact same position as before ]

Tracy Morgan: Damn! Mother-!

[ Tracy zaps Al gain ]

Al Gore: Whe-whe-where am I..?

Lorne Michaels: Al, you’ve been hit by a tazer. You’ll be alright in a minute. Tipper, are you alright? Can you speak?

Tipper Gore: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts