Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Nutri-Quick

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Co-Worker #1…..Seth Meyers
Carlson…..Jeff Richards
Co-Worker #2…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: You are what you eat. And, when you’re on the go, you don’t have time for the kind of nutritious meal that your body craves.

[ Co-Worker runs past Carlson, who is trying to eat an armful of lunch items ]

Co-Worker #1: One o’clock meeting. Right, Carlson?

Announcer: And that’s where we come in – the Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go. [ holds up product package ] All the essential nutrients of a well-balanced meal, squeezed into one easy-to-use anal suppository.

[ individual layers of nutrients are piled on top one another in computer graphic, becoming a big block ]

Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go provides protein, calcium, potassium iron, vitamins A, C, D, and fiber. At levels more than twice the FDA recommended daily allowances, and 1.3 times that of the leading energy bar. Now, that’s nutrition I can feel.

[ show Carlson waddling down the hall, with the indention showing under the back of his pants ]

Announcer: So, why slam it?

[ show Carlson with a desk full of food, trying to eat it all ]

Announcer: When you can cram it.

[ show Co-Worker #2 talking to Carlson ]

Co-Worker #2: Hey, Carlson. Great work on that report! What’s your secret?

Carlson: Well.. let’s just say I put my lunch.. up my butt!

[ they share the laugh ]

Announcer: Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go suppositories. Now with high-protein lubricant.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The NRA II

Hunter #1…..Horatio Sanz
Hunter #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers

[ open on two hunters squatting behind marsh weeds, still looking for potential kills ]

Hunter #2: I don’t think we’re gonna get anything else.

Hunter #1: You wanna call it a day?

Hunter #2: Ah, hang on.. I got one more idea.. Hey, what’s the best way to make a collect call?

Hunter #1: I don’t know..

[ Carrot Top suddnely surfaces from the weeds, clutching a pay phone ]

Carrot Top: Hey, big game hunters!! Fixin’ to make a collect call?! Then make sure you dial 1-800-CALL-ATT!

[ Hunter #1 raises his gun, Carrot Top cowers in sudden fear ]

Hunter #2: Dude! Wait! [ a beat ] Remember to take the safety off.

Hunter #1: Right.

[ the hunters fire their guns at Carrot Top ]

Carrot Top V/O: Hey! You guys owe me a new phone!

Announcer: Remember to take the safety off. A friendly reminder from the National Rifle Association.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The NRA I

Hunter #1…..Horatio Sanz
Hunter #2…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on two hunters squatting behind marsh weeds, looking for potential kills ]

Hunter #1: We’re not getting anything today..

Hunter #2: I don’t even care! I’m just happy to be up and around after that accident on the job.

Hunter #1: I know the company paid your bills.. but missing all those days at work must have been rough on the wallet.

Hunter #2: Nicole was worried for a little bit.. but I got insurance that pays for all that.

Duck In Pond: AFLAC!

Hunter #1: ??

Duck In Pond: AFLAC! AFLAC!

[ the hunters raise their guns, blowing the AFLAC duck to smithereens ]

Announcer: Happy hunting season, from the National Rifle Association.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Matt Damon’s Monologue

…..Matt Damon
Justin Guarini…..Maya Rudolph
Caitlin…..Maya Rudolph
Britney Spears…..Amy Poehler
Justin Timberlake…..Matt Damon
Snap…..Chris Kattan

Matt Damon: Thank you very much! Alright! I am so excited to be here, hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”! Alright! You know, I knew I was hosting all the way back in June, and I’ve been thinking about this all summer. There were so many great stories! I’m serious! There were so many stories that would have been perfect for me to do on this show. For instance, like the Martha Stewart scandal. I mean, I could have, like, played her broker: “Sell, Martha! Sell!” Or, one of my favorite fighters of all time – Mike Tyson – before the fight: “My defense is impregnable!” And then, after the fight: “Lennox, you hit me so hard!” And how about that dude from “American Idol”? I know Maya was dying to play that guy.

[ Maya Rudolph steps out dressed as Justin Guarini ]

Justin Guarini: “I don’t care how you get her, just.. get here. If you ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an!”

[ Maya exits ]

Matt Damon: See, that would’ve been fun if we could have done that one. But there was one thing that happened this summer, that I really wanted to do, in a role I knew I could play. It was right there on the cover of US Weekly, in the upper right-hand corner. [ dissolve to slide of US Weekly with photo of Britney and Justin’s angy dance-off ] The break-up of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears, and their subsequent angry dance-off. The one that occurred in a posh L.A. nightclub called The Lounge, on August 1st, 2002. And so, without further ado.. [ removes jacket and dress shirt, to reveal back t-shirt with Justin sequined across the chest ] I present to you, my favorite story of the summer. Uh.. when you next see me, I’ll be playing the part of Justin Timberlake.

[ dissolve to exterior, The Lounge ]

[ dissolve to interior of dance club, as Britney spears and her posse enter ]

Caitlin: That sushi was so good, you guys! Oh, my God – Britney, Justin’s here!

Britney Spears: Wha-at? Are you sure Caitlin? Turn around and check it out, JIC.

Caitlin: What?

Britney Spears: JIC! Just In Case!

Caitlin: Oh. [ looks, ] Uh.. yeah. It’s him.

Britney Spears: Ugh! So much drama for a Chill Thursday, y’all!

Justin Timberlake: Hey, yo, Snap! There’s Britney and her fake peeps!

Snap: And those girls she’s been hangin’ with.

Justin Timberlake: YFR.

Snap: Huh?

Justin Timberlake: You Fo’ Real.

Snap: Pfft!

Britney Spears: I can hear you, Justin! And, by the way, what are you doing in my club?

Justin Timberlake: Your club? Puh-leez! My stylist was the one who found this place and told your publicist about it, yo!

Britney Spears: Huh! Oh, really? Why don’t you talk to the face! ‘Cause the hands too busy on.. things.. often. Whatever!

Justin Timberlake: Yo! We ain’t goin’ nowhere, bizzy-o-o-o-o-otch!

Britney Spears: We’re not going either, y’all!

Caitlin: Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it, Justin, huh?

Justin Timberlake: Well, I don’t know, maybe.. bust a move?

[ the two groups gasp in amazement at the building intensity ]

Britney Spears: You’re gonna bust a move?! That’s funny! ‘Cause I thought I taught you how to bust a move, back in Orlando! Okay, everyone, let’s clear this mess out!

Snap: Angry Dance-Off, yo!

Justin Timberlake: Word!

Caitlin: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Britney Spears: So.. are you ready for this?

Justin Timberlake: Yeah, yeah.. you ready to feel the funk? Check it!

[ “Everybody Dance Now” plays, as Justin demonstrates his moves ]

Justin Timberlake: Alright, what’s up! What’s up, now?

Britney Spears: Alright.. looks like the running man almost got away from you. Bass!

[ bass sounds play, as Britney demonstrates her moves ]

Justin Timberlake: That ain’t nothing!

Britney Spears: Oh, ya’ll, that makes my boobs hurt!

[ the music stops ]

Justin Timberlake: Yo! You think this is over? Jizzy-T in the hizzy-t!

[ Snap pulls out a chair for Justin to dance with ]

Caitlin: Oh, my God, you guys, Justin brought out the chair!

[ “Gloria” plays, as Justin performs a dance move with the chair ]

Justin Timberlake: Unh!

Britney Spears: Enh!

Justin Timberlake: Unh!

Britney Spears: Ahh!

Caitlin: Oh, my God, y’all, it’s a Sexy Moan-Off!

Justin Timberlake: Hee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

Britney Spears: I-yyyi-yyyi-yyyi!

[ Justin admits his defeat; Mat Damon breaks character to end the scene ]

Matt Damon: Anyway.. and scene! So, that’s it! That’s the scene I always wanted to do over the summer. Thank you for letting me do it, guys. Uh.. we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The War On Iraq

Announcer…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: [ over picture of Saddam Hussein ] He was the Middle East’s most ruthless despot, that iron-fisted tyrant with no reason to go. Until.. [ show picture of President George W. Bush ] ..he came into office.

From the network that brought you “E.R.”, “Friends”, and “Good Morning, Miami”, comes a landmark television event.

“The War On Iraq”. It’s the story of a son’s promise, to finish the job his father didn’t. It’s the story of oil.. oppression.. nd moustaches – lots and lots of Tom Selleck moustaches.

With special guest star: Tony Blair. Are Tony Blair and George W. falling in love? Find out in.. “The War On Iraq”. Coming to NBC this fall.. or possibly December.. or in the new year.. Nobody seems to know for sure.

Voiceover: [ quickly ] In the event we don’t attack Iraq, NBC will air encore editions of “Fear Factor”, starring Joe Rogan.

[ show image of Joe Rogan ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Hannibal Goes to College

Hannibal Lecter…..Matt Damon
Roommate #1…..Seth Meyers
Roommate #2…..Will Forte
Roommate #3…..Horatio Sanz
Voice of Mrs. Lecter…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Before “The Silence Of The Lambs”. Before “Hannibal”. There was a vision of evil in its purest form – “Red Dragon”. But before that, there was the first and most terrifying chapter of the Hannibal Lecter saga.

[ dissolve to Hannibal Lecter entering his college dorm room for the first time ]

Hannibal Lecter: Well, hello, gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Announcer: His freshman year of college.

Hannibal Lecter: I’m Hannibal. And, since we’re going to be roommates this year, then, perhaps, you’d ike to join me for dinner. [ Roommate #3 rubs his crotch at Hannibal ] Or, how about some frisbee in the quad, or hackeysack? [ Roommate #3 throws an empty beer can at Hannibal’s head ] Very well, then.

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. A psychopath. A genius. A freshman at Michigan State. To understand evil, you must witness its savage beginnings.

[ dissolve to Hannibal holding up a poster ]

Hannibal Lecter: So.. does anyone mind if I hang this up over here?

Roommate #1: Bite me!

Hannibal Lecter: Oh, I assure you.. I’d like nothing better. [ flicks his tongue menacingly ]

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Roommate #2: Dude! I told you he was gay!

Hannibal Lecter: I’m not gay! I’m telling you.. I want to taste your sweet flesh. Okay, that does sound a little gay..

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. Evil is shaped. Cruelty is refined. And savagery earns extra pizza mony by working in the cafeteria.

[ dissolve to Hannibal returning to the room from work ]

Roommate #3: Dude. I think you got a message.

Hannibal Lecter: I can tell by the tone of your voice, that you have something in your past that terrified you. Something that steals your sleep, bathes your sheets in a cold sweat.

Roommate #3: Just answer your message, Asswipe!

[ Hannibal plays the message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Hannie, honey.. hi, it’s Mom. I got your messagge. and, if those boys tease you about wearing your bathing suit in the shower, you tease them right back!

Roommate #1: Woosie! woosie!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Hannibal Lecter: I wouldn’t mock me. Once before, a man mocked me. I hate his liver with some fava beans and a nice-

[ answering machine plays next message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Oh, honey.. don’t overdo it on the fava beans, now. You know how they give you the toots. Bye bye!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Announcer: Madness. Genius. Evil.

[ dissolve to Hannibal sitting on the toilet with an empty roll of toilet paper ]

Hannibal Lecter: You know, fellows.. out of four roommates, you would think that I wouldn’t have to be the only one who gets new toilet paper. I mean, it’s common courtesy – you use up a roll, you get a new one.

Announcer: His evil can be contained. But it cannot be controlled.

[ dissolve to Hannibal standing in front of the mirror, hairbrush held in front of him like a microphone as he sings along to the “Theme From WKRP In Cincinnati” ]

Hannibal Lecter:
“Baby, if you’ve ever wondered
Wondered what ever became of me.
I’m living on the air.. in Cincinnati
Cincinnati, WKRP.”

Roommate #1: Dude. What are you doing?

Hannibal Lecter: [ meekly ] Pretending I’m Johnny Fever..?

Announcer: The beginning of evil. “Hannibal Lector Goes To College”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Hannibal wearing a muffler over his mouth ]

Hannibal Lecter: Gentlemen..

[ dissolve to full shot of Hannibal harnessed from head to toe ]

..Let me out of here!

[ SUPER: “This Fall” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Goodnights

…..Matt Damon

Matt Damon: Thanks to Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band! Thank you, everybody! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Gabby Connors…..Horatio Sanz
Sean Kelly…..Matt Damon

[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]

Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)

[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow!! Hey! Dig this! Tonight, we’re gonna meet some animals that are very messy, becuase some of them were raised in a barn! I’m very excited! so, let’s get going! Our first guest is like a human cactus! Please welcome.. a porcu-pi-i-i-ine!

[ Dale Dudley enters with porcupine ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?!

Dale Dudley: Uh.. I’m Dale Dudley, from the Texas Wildlife Center in Austin.

Brian Fellow: Hello, Austin!

Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] No, I’m from the Wildlife Center in Austin. My name is Dale Dudley.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!!

Dale Dudley: Hello, Brian. I want you to meet my porcupine friend – his name is Willy.

Brian Fellow: That rat needs a haircut!

Dale Dudley: You’re.. half right. The porcupine is in the rodent family. Those hairs are actually a thousand quills.

Brian Fellow: All I’m saying is he needs a haircut! Looking all homeless, and stuff!

Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] His shaggy appearance is helpful in many ways.

Brian Fellow: Well, I imagine that his short quils are evolution’s way of providing him with an excellent defense against his natural predators!

Dale Dudley: [ smiles ] Yea-ah! That’s very good, yeah.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brain Fellow!!

Dale Dudley: [ continues ] And his quills are also important in the mating process, see? The male impregnates the female by spraying her quills..

Brian Fellow: [ angered ] Hush up! That dirty talk!

Dale Dudley: I’m sorry?

Brian Fellow: We don’t talk about the birds and the bees on this show! Unless our guests are birds or bees! And sometimes not even then!

Dale Dudley: I’m sorry.

Brian Fellow: Keep it clean, please!

Dale Dudley: Alright. Well.. the quills are also used in self-defense. The tail is covered with over 30,000 quills, set in, uh.. you know, snake barbs. Right? So, they can give you avery nasty prick-

Brian Fellow: See, that’s it! I said no dirty talk! That is it! Take him away! You and your shaggy friend have to go! Please! [ Dale exits with his porcupine ] Put some soap in your mouth! I apologize about that, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully, we’ll bleep that on the West Coast. [ pauses, then smiles ] Our next guest likes mus and going to the market. Please welcome, a pot-bellied pi-i-i-i-igg!

[ Sean Kelly enters with pot-bellied pig ]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Sean Kelly: I’m Sean Kelly, from the Shawndale Ranch in Modesto, California.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!

Sean Kelly: Hi, Brian!

Brian Fellow: Hi-i-i!!

Sean Kelly: Hello. Uh.. this is Zevon.. and he’s a two-year old pot-bellied pig.

Brian Fellow: I don’t care what he is! He better not talk dirty like that cactus rat! I know that!

Sean Kelly: Uh, no.. he won’t.. but, although pigs are known to play in the mud a bit, they are surprisingly, uh.. clean animals. They make excellent housepets..

Brian Fellow: Why does that pig hate Jewish people?! Why? Why? Tell us why he hates Jewish people!

Sean Kelly: [ confused ] I-I have no idea what you’re talking about..

Brian Fellow: Well, you would think that, since they don’t eat him, he would be happy!

Sean Kelly: [ more confused ] O-kay. [ quick pause ] Well, miniature pot-bellied pigs aren’t bred to be eaten by anyone, so.. so they are happy.

Brian Fellow: I know your pig got a fat gut! He should wear a big belt buckle! That’s what my Uncle Kool-Aid does.

Sean Kelly: [ confused ] You have an Uncle Kool-Aid?

Brian Fellow: Leave Kool-Aid out of this, please! So, tell us: how is different than a regular pig?

Sean Kelly: Oh, well, that’s a great question. Uh.. besides the obvios size.. [ touches top of pig cage ]

Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] Don’t let him out!

Sean Kelly: Well, okay, but.. but.. besides the obvious size difference, the snout on miniatures is significantly longer than most..

[ Sean keeps talking, as Brian’s mind wanders to thoughts of the porcupine talking to him ]

Porcupine: Hey, Brian! Your show is going down the toilet! There’s only one way to save it: let me show everybody my weiner!

Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] NO!!! IU son’t want to see your weiner!

Sean Kelly: [ confused ] Uh, well.. I.. I had no intention of showing you my weiner.

Brian Fellow: Well, can you and your bloated friend kill a porcupine?!

Sean Kelly: Uh.. I run a shelter for animals.. I don’t kill them..

Brian Fellow: [ waves $5 bill seductively ] What if Abe Lincoln asked you to do it?

Sean Kelly: Absolutely not!

Brian Fellow: Well, I guess I gotta kill him myself! Well, that’s all the time we have for today! Join me next time when my guest will be a fruit fly! ‘Cause that’s crazy!! And I’m Brian Fellow!!

[ music plays, fade to dark ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The Dr. Phil Show

Female Voiceover…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Phil…..Jeff Richards
Female Guest…..Maya Rudolph
Santa Claus…..Will Forte

Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. He’s insightful.

[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: If you want to have a bowl of cereal.. you better get yourself, a bowl, and guess what? You better find yourself some cereal, as well, in addition to milk. and sugar, if you want.

Female Voiceover: He’s provocative.

[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: Take your top off.

[ without questioning him, female guest removes her top ]

Female Voiceover: And he knows the answers.

[ cut to interview with Santa Claus from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: So, you think that these kids, uh.. won’t love you, if.. if you don’t give them toys?

Santa Claus: [ meekly ] I guess you’re right..

Dr. Phil: [ sighs painfully ] You must have a pretty low opinion of yourself.

Santa Claus: I guess I do..

Dr. Phil: I mean.. I want kids all over the world, to love me so much so, that I structure my life around delivering toys to them!

Santa Claus: I see your point..

Dr. Phil: I mean, a rooster only crows so many times before the mama knows a henhouse fulla graham crackers!

Santa Claus: [ confused ] What the hell does that mean?

Dr. Phil: It means.. you can stuff as many donuts in that mouth as you can, that Santa suit’s only gonna stretch so far, fat ass!

Santa Claus: [ offended ] What?! What did you just say? That was mean! Was that supposed to help me?!

Dr. Phil: I mean, the rabbit hole doesn’t help the rabbit, unless blink-blop-blink!

Santa Claus: That didn’t make any sense, either.

Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? Well, I think you’re a fat, old perv! Now, how that.. how’s that workin’ for ya’?!

Santa Claus: I came here to work on myself! This is ridiculous! [ walks off set ]

Dr. Phil: Stupid perv!

Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. Weekdays at three.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Dr. Matt Damon

…..Matt Damon
Dr. Matt Damon…..Chris Parnell
Pat Damon…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad…..Darrell Hammond
Ben Affleck…..Tracy Morgan
Dr. Julius Erving…..Dean Edwards

[ open on Matt Damon sitting on a park bench, as a man dressed in a doctor’s lab coat steps forward ]

Dr. Matt Damon: Uh, excuse me.. I-I hate to bother you, but are you Matt Damon?

Matt Damon: Uh.. yeah.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ chuckles ] That’s amazing.. that’s really amazing!

Matt Damon: Uh, well.. [ laughs, though he isn’t sure why ]

Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. because my name’s also Matt Damon.

Matt Damon: [ now amazed as well ] Oh, really?

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.

Matt Damon: [ notices name tag on doctor’s lab coat ] Oh, yeah! There.. “Dr. Matt Damon”!

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, I’m the Chief of Ontcology at Mount Sinai.

Matt Damon: Oh, that’s great, man! [ extends hand to shake ] Matt Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ shakes hands with Matt Damon ] Matt Damon. [ awkward, determined pause ] Yo-o-ou have no idea what it’s been like for me. You have absolutely no idea! [ chuckles ]

Matt Damon: Ohhhh..

Dr. Matt Damon: My whole life, I was Matt Damon! I just took it for granted. [ chuckles ] And then I had my very identity ripped away.

Matt Damon: Hey. Come on, man, that’s not true. Your identity’s not about your name, man. It’s about who you are, what you do.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughs ] That’s easy for you to say, Matt Damon. For 32 years, I was “Matt Damon”. “Handsome Matt”. “Funny Matt”. High school quarterback. First in my class at medical school. Youngest department head in Mount Sinai history. And then, suddenly, you come along, and everyone I meet is disappointed that I’m not the “real” Matt Damon. I’m just.. a sad imposter.

Matt Damon: Come on, man, that’s just ridiculous! You’re obviously very accomplished.

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, well, too bad they don’t give out Oscars for Ontcology.

Matt Damon: Yeah, but you probably saved lives.

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.. probably.

[ an attractive woman walks past the back of the park bench, but stops when she thinks she recognizes Matt Damon ]

Pat Damon: Oh, my God! Are you Matt Damon?!

Matt Damon: Yeah..

Dr. Matt Damon: I’m gonna puke..

Pat Damon: [ elated ] This is so weird! My name is Pat Damon!

Matt Damon: [ amazed ] Really?

Pat Damon: [ laughs ] Yeah! People always say we should get married! [ laughs ] Who’s your friend?

Matt Damon: Oh.. yeah.. Uh.. Pat Damon, Matt Damon. Matt Damn, Pat Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon: You know, maybe we should get married.

Pat Damon: [ stern ] I don’t think so.

Dr. Matt Damon: [ stung ] Hmm.

[ Dr. Matt Damon’s dad wanders into the scene ]

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt! I thought we were gonna meet at the fountain!

Dr. Matt Damon: No, Dad.. we said the bench. [ relunctant ] Uh.. Matt, Pat.. this is my father.

Pat Damon: Hi! Pat Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!

Matt Damon: Matt Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!

Matt Damon: Oh! So, you’re also a Matt Damon?

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Long before you were a Matt Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, but you’re not “the” Matt Damon.

Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Yeah, but I once was! And you never will be!

[ black gentleman enters scene, excited to notice Dr. Matt Damon ]

Ben Affleck: Oh, my.. Matt Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ not particularly interested ] Yeah?

Ben Affleck: Hell yeah, it’s Matt Damon! Oh, man, it’s Matt Damon! I haven’t seen you since high school bra!

Dr. Matt Damon: I’m sorry.. you’re gonna have to refresh my memory..

Ben Affleck: Oh, come on! You don’t remember me? Ben? The Chess Team? Math Society? We won the Drama trophy!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ excited, now that the memories have come back to him ] Oh, my God! Ben Affleck!

Ben Affleck: Right! Oh, man! I can’t believe it! I go for a walk in the park, and who do I bump into – Matt Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing, makes introductions ] Ben, this is my father, Matt Damon.

Ben Affleck: Go ahead!

Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon. Uh.. Pat Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Pat Damon. Uh.. and, of course, Matt Damon!

[ black doctor enters scene ]

Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon! Dr. Damon!

Dr. Matt Damon: Oh! Dr. Julius Erving! Um.. Matt Damon, uh.. Pat Damon, uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, uh.. Dr. J. Dr. J., Matt Damon, Pat Damon, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck.

Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon, I-I just got the results back from the lab, and they were conclusive. You did it!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ numb, can’t believe his ears ] I did it..! I cured cancer! Matt Damon cured cancer! I’m Matt Damon – The Matt Damon! I’m #1! I’m #1! The most famous Matt Damon in the world!

Matt Damon: Congratulations!

Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing hysterically ] I’M MATT DAMON!!

[ cut to newspaper article with headline: “Matt Damon Cures Cancer” ]

[ zoom out on newspaper, to reveal bigger article at the top of the page with headline: “Matt Damon Engaged” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts