Month: October 2018

A Message From The Former President Of The United States

Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: And now, a message from the Former President of the United States.

[ open on Bill Clinton sitting in the Oval Office ]

Former President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight, I am coming to you as “Citizen” Bill Clinton. As you know, earlier today, George W. Bush was sworn into office, and now he is your President. For a majority of us, that’s a hard pill to swallow! But I’m not here to talk about that. I have other thoughts that I’d like to share. Incidentally, I was able to get in the Oval Office tonight because I know the guy at the door. And everyone else is out partying. I will admit, I’ve had a few drinks myself! [ shakes off his bourbon ] Now that I’m an ordinary citizen, I can do that! I don’t have to think about what’s responsible and right. I can finally kick back and have a good time! [ laughs ] Who am I kidding? That’s what I did when I was in here! I think I’m gonna enjoy being Citizen Bill Clinton. The Press can put their dirty microscope on George W. now. See how he likes it. Stick around, I bet you’ll find something. I’ll start you off: on October 29th, 1973, George W. Bush did three lines of cocaine and joined in an orgy in a public swimming pool in Houston. How do I know? I was there! See, I can say all that stuff now. Maybe saying goodbye won’t be so hard after all. In my farewell speech the other night, I talked about bringing down the debt, and, you know, about keeping free trade a priority, and I may have bragged a little about making this country a better place. But what I really wanted to say was, “Suck on it!” “Suck.. on.. it.” “Suck on it.” Maybe it’s the booze talking, but I’m pretty sure I took more crap from more people than any President in history, and yet I remain the most popular since Roosevelt, so y’all just suck on it!

President George W. Bush: [ enters Office, angry ] Hey! What are you doing here? I thought they flew you out of town?

Former President Bill Clinton: [ stands ] Hello, George. Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I was. I was boogying down to the Marshall Tucker Band, when someone saw you on TV and said, “Hey, look! There’s the President!” And I said, “Hey, guys, how’s it going?” And they were like, “No, you Turd-Head. The real President, on TV.” And I said, “But I am the real President.” Then everybody laughed, which really steamed me, so here I am. [ to the camera ] Hello, America. I’m your President. And, keep in mind, that’s for a whole year. [ to Clinton ] And you’d better not touch any of these boxes!

Former President Bill Clinton: Is this your stuff?

President George W. Bush: [ looking around ] Hold on a second.. I don’t see.. You didn’t take it..? Oh, there it is! [ reaches in box ] My talking fish! [ pulls out Billy Bass ] I thought you took it.

Former President Bill Clinton: No, no, I.. what is it?

President George W. Bush: It’s my Billy Big-Mouth Talking Bass. It talks, see? [ turns it on ]

Former President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] I’ll be damned! Where’d you get that, that’s the funniest damn thing I ever saw!

President George W. Bush: A guy sold it to me for $1,000.

Former President Bill Clinton: Well, if you ever see another one, why don’t you let me know.

President George W. Bush: I doubt I’ll see another one. But, if I do, I’ll send it along.

Former President Bill Clinton: Okay. You know, George, you’re not half bad. If you keep your mouth shut, and your eyes closed, you’re gonna be alright. Uh.. could you just give me a second?

President George W. Bush: Yeah, sure. [ walks away ]

Former President Bill Clinton: Well, America, I had a lot more I wanted to say tonight. But I guess I’ll end it all by saying, for the last time, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Daley…..Chris Parnell
Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer

Chris Matthews: [Yelling] Welcome back to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews, confusion about Election 2000 rages on,is the system broken, should we throw out the Constitution? Everything going to hell or what? Tonight we examinethe Mt. Olympus of political chicanery: Florida. Or as some call it God’s abandoned construction site.God started making Florida then just said “You know what? Screw it!” Joining us tonight the spokesman from theGore campaign Mr. Bill Daley.

Bill Daley: Hello Chris, can I just say that….

Chris Matthews: No you can’t. Also joining us tonight is the woman at the center of all this controversy,The Secretary of State in Florida, Katherine Harris.

Katherine Harris: [Smiles grotesquely] Hello Chris. Thanks for having me.

Chris Matthews: Mrs. Harris we’ll start with you. Many people have accused you of being a pawn of theRepublican Party. Excuse me one second – I’m gonna raise the volume of my voice. You were Governor Bush’sco-campaign chair in Florida. Seems to me you could be accused of political cronyism.

Katherine Harris: Chris, as I think everyone agrees, my political leanings are irrelevant.I’m merely doing my duty.

Chris Matthews: Yeah? Well the Florida Supreme Court has issued a gag order on you in effect saying,”Hey lady – shut that surgically altered trap of yours. Shut it, until these hand counts are completed.”Now I know these three counties are still hand counting, but I understand you actually have the results. Do youintend to announce the winner today or what?

Katherine Harris: Chris, I intend to obey that gag order. Do I know who has officially won the election?Yes. Am I going to announce it? No. Am I going to enjoy watching that Tennessee robot cry when he hears the results?Yes. Does that make me partisan? I don’t think so.

Chris Matthews: So you’re not going to tell us the results?

Katherine Harris: Chris, I am a public servant. I serve the people of Florida and will abide bytheir directives and guidelines..Bush won. [Giggles]

Chris Matthews: [Startled] Wha..wha..what? I’m sorry?

Katherine Harris: George Bush won! We won! I helped him win, and he’s the President! [Giggles]

Chris Matthews: So what am I hearing – you’re now violating the gag order?

Katherine Harris: Mm hmm! Screw the gag order! Right? Screw it! [Giggles] I’m making it official – Bush won![Giggles] And when he’s President he’s going to make me an ambassador. [Giggles] And not ambassador to somesad country, where everyone’s poor and sick all the time. I’m going to a good country where they have niceclothes and speak English.

Bill Daley: Can I say something here?

Chris Matthews: No you can’t. [Daley throws his hands up] Although I do admire your interrupting and yelling.[Daley gestures appreciatively] Now Mrs. Harris, aren’t you worried the Florida Supreme Court…

Katherine Harris: The Florida Supreme Court can chomp on it, I’m gettin’ out of this backwater state.All I have to do now is practice smiling for my ambassador job. What do you think of this? [Smiles grotesquely]

Chris Matthews: [Winces] Good God! All right we’re out of time. Katherine Harris, Bill Daley, thank youfor joining us.

Bill Daley: I didn’t even get to say anything..I don’t…

Chris Matthews: Shut up! When we return I’m going to yell more on this story. I’m Chris Matthews.You’re watching Hardball.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Parker…..Chris Parnell
Rhonda…..Calista Flockhart
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Employee…..Chris Kattan

[ open on interior, company Technical Support room ]

Parker: Hey, did you see the cover of MacUser Magazine?

Rhonda: Oh, the one with the G-Form-2 on it?

Parker: Next to the Silicon Graphics ZX-10, it’s got to be thecoolest computer in the world!

Nick Burns: [ enters ] Yeah, if, by “cool”, you mean a computer thatdoesn’t have an expansion bay, extra-SIM slots, then yeah, I guess it’sthe fondue of computers, Dilbert!

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Hey, Rhonda, you’re not letting Parker corrupt your harddrive with that crap about the Q-bar, are you?

Rhonda: Oh, don’t worry. This guy’s not getting anywherenear my hard drive!

Parker: I was just saying that the Qube looks better than the G-4tower.

Nick Burns: Oh, yeah? So does Cindy Margulies, but I can’t runQuicken on her.

Parker: [ laughing ] Touche! I would have said Danni Ashe, becauseshe shows her melons. But still, a good one, Nick!

Rhonda: Really good one, Nick. Where ya’ been?

Nick Burns: Oh, jeepers creepers.. I was trying to help those moronson the 3rd floor. They’re trying to run RealPlayer behind a firewall withoutthe proxy set. Can you believe that?

Parker: You should take away their Internet. Those guys are dense!

Employee: [ enters with laptop under his arm ] Hey, Nick.

Rhonda: Here’s one of Jerry’s Kids now.

Employee: What was that?

Nick Burns: She said you’re one of Jerry’s Kids. Now, what do youwant?

Employee: My laptop’s messed up. Uh.. I was sending a file, and it broke.

Nick Burns: [ looking at the laptop ] Geez Louise! Where’d you get that, the “Antiques Road Show”?

Parker: Yeah, uh.. we could take a look at that, and then I could takea look at your copy of “Tron” on BetaMax.

Rhonda: [ laughing ] I remember that model. It came bundled with Frogger!

Employee: You guys gonna help me?

Nick Burns: Show me what you’re doing..

Employee: Well, I’m trying to save it.. so I downloaded it..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh.

Employee: ..and then I pushed..

Nick Burns: Yeah.

Employee: ..this button, and I..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh. Yeah. Move! God, do you run the Interneton this thing? It looks like it’s got a 28.8, or something!
[ techies laugh ]

Rhonda: We could upgrade your modem to a 56.6! [ laughs ]

Employee: Can you.. can you do that?

Parker: Oh, sure. If we had a time machine, and set it back to 1998! [ laughs ]

Employee: [ faux laughs ] Can you please just help me? It just frozeup. I need an e-mail – it’s very important, it’s for a report that I’mdoing today.

Nick Burns: Did you make a back-up file?

Employee: No.

Nick Burns: Never do. Just leave it here – we’ll do some carbon-dating on it!

Employee: I don’t like you guys. [ exits ]

Rhonda: Wow.. if we need any replacement parts, we’ll use anAtari 2600!

Nick Burns: That’s a good one, Rhonda!

Rhonda: You know what irks me? Those buffoons never back-up their files.

Parker: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. I set up my Retrospectremote to back-up my hard drive every Sunday at 3 a.m.

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Retrospect only works with your documents,not your third-party software!

Rhonda: Say goodbye to your system resources! [ laughs ]

Parker: Well, hey.. can you guys cover for me? I better go homeand back that stuff up. Are you gonna be on-line later?

Nick Burns: Yeah. Hey, yeah. What’s your screen name again?

Parker: [ sighs ] You know what it is, don’t do this to me.

Nick Burns: No, no, no.. I can’t remember. What is it?

Parker: [ low ] “Sexyman 48”.

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] What?

Parker: “Sexyman 48”!

Rhonda: Okay, see you later, “Sexyman”!

[ Parker exits ]

Nick Burns: That guy’s a real geek! He gives us computertechnicians a bad name, you know?

Rhonda: You know, that worm probably lives in his mom’s basement!

Nick Burns: [ nervous ] Hey, cut the guy some slack. Rent’s high. Rent’s high.Rent’s high.

Rhonda: Nick, I know that you live with your mom.. but I like you..and I also like the way you make fun of people who know less than you doabout computers. I think it’s.. sexy.

Nick Burns: You do? I was thinking, maybe you could come over to myMom’s crib later on.. we could play Playstation 2, or something.. look atsome games..

[ they awkwardly lean closer for a kiss, until one of their beepers go off -they both check their collection of beepers to see whose it is ]

Rhonda: Oh, damn!

Nick Burns: You?

Rhonda: It’s me. It’s those idiots in Marketing. They probablyneed grief counseling because Pets.com went under. I gotta go. [ starts towalk away ] I thought I was going to get my first kiss..

Nick Burns: Me, too..

[ she leans up to kiss him, both of them trembling, then she steps away ]

Rhonda: [ turns around ] Oh, by the way – you’re welcome!
[ Nick is left looking amazed that he finally got his first kiss ]

Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your Company Computer Guy!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Meet the Press

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
Rick Lazio…..Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Meet the Press, with your host, Tim Russert. (Opening graphic to Meet the Press)

(Roundtable with, from left, Rick Lazio, Hillary Clinton, and Tim Russert.)

Tim Russert: Good morning, welcome to Meet the Press. Today, a gathering of two senatorial candidates from the state of New York, home of those Buffalo Bills, ha ha ha! Congressman Rick Lazio, the Republican candidate from Long Island. (Lazio half-smiles goofily and has crossed eyes.) And Hillary Rodham Clinton. (Full stop after each name.) (Hillary nods and smiles.) Democratic candidate from Arkansas via Illinois, and most recently, Westchester. (The camera lingers on Hillary, who grows more uncomfortable.) Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. The embattled First Lady of the United States, emerging from the controversy and tarnish of her husband’s administration to the position, despite no earned political experience, a Democratic candidate for Senate. (Hillary stops smiling.) Hillary. Rodham Clinton. We’ll start with you. Now, recently you spoke at a UJA group assuring your support of the convicted spy Jonathan Pollard. I have a quote from the Washington Post dated April 10th, 1994. (Newspaper graphic goes up.) “The excessive punishment of Jonathan Pollard by the American Government has clearly run its… I… don’t trust… Jewish… people.”

Hillary Clinton: Well, Tim, I think that quote is misleading and clearly out of context. What I actually said is that I don’t trust those who unfairly prosecute Jewish people.

Tim Russert: But you did say it! Your words.

Hillary Clinton: Tim, I clearly didn’t phrase it that way. You’re placing, uh, ellipses where there are clearly other words that I said that would explain the context.

(Lazio laughs.)

Tim Russert: Would you say it’s part of a vast conspiracy? (coughs)

Hillary Clinton: No, I’m not saying that.

Tim Russert: All right. Rick Lazio. You’ve come down hard on soft money.

Rick Lazio: Yes, I have, Tim.

Tim Russert: But here’s a recent clip from one of your campaign ads:

(pretaped)

Rick Lazio: — on that, or any administration, I will come down hard on soft money.

(live)

Tim Russert: Congressman?

Rick Lazio: That’s a good question, Tim, but I want to say that I really wanna come down hard on soft money.

Tim Russert: Really hard?

Rick Lazio: Really hard, Tim.

Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, that’s all he gets?! That wasn’t even a question!

Tim Russert: So it *is* a conspiracy?

Hillary Clinton: There’s no conspiracy, Tim! But you seem to have, when it comes to me and my husband —

Tim Russert: A vendetta?

Hillary Clinton: I’m not saying that.

Tim Russert: A contract?

Hillary Clinton: No, I am not saying—

Tim Russert: A hard-on?

(Lazio laughs.)

Hillary Clinton: You’re not going to get me to say that, Tim.

Tim Russert: May I continue now?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: You say it like I was naughty in school!

Tim Russert: (pause) Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. You’ve made a habit of pointing out your concern for wiping out world hunger.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I have.

Tim Russert: I want to show you this videotape.

Hillary Clinton: All right.

Tim Russert: Here we go.

(pretaped)

(Hillary shakes hands at a campaigning event.)

Tim Russert: (voiceover) Not yet. Hang on.

(Hillary hugs a man while facing away from the camera. She ends the embrace and clasps his hands, standing stiltedly.)

Tim Russert: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh!

(The tape freezes.)

Tim Russert: Whoop! Right there.

(back to roundtable)

Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. How do you reconcile concern for world hunger while your butt has got fatter?

(Lazio giggles, while drinking milk out of a cafeteria-style carton with a small straw.)

Hillary Clinton: (yelling) Okay! You-you are a pig! You have such a damn boner for us, it’s sick! I’d like to see *your* fat ass!

Tim Russert: (stops laughing) Stern words from Hillary Rodham Clinton. The soft money candidate with the bay-window caboose. If it’s Sunday, (Hammond covers up a laugh) it’s Meet the Press. Go Bills!

(wide shot of the three of them, Clinton has arms crossed and looks perturbed.)

Submtited by: JBecky

SNL Transcripts

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Sidney Shyner…..Chris Kattan
Joseph Lieberman…..Chris Parnell

Al Gore: Good evening. A little more than a month ago, Americans went to the polls to select a new President and Vice-President. And in that election, Joe Liverman and I received a clear majority of the Popular Vote. Yet, because neither I nor my opponent won the required 270 votes in the Electoral College – although I did win the Popular Vote – Americans still do not know who their next President will be. And until the votes in Florida are truly counted, we will never know. Is it me? Is it Governor Bush? Or is it Ralph Nader? Is it Socialist Worker’s Party candidate David McReynolds?

We will simply never know. This is what makes today’s ruling by the United States Supreme Court so unfortunate – the Court, in a narrow 5 to 4 decision, ordered the counting of Florida’s votes to be stopped, ensuring that the identity of our next President will forever remain a mystery. This regrettable action of the Supreme Court, instigated by Governor Bush, left me with one legal alternative – an alternative I’ve been unfortunately forced to persue. A few hours ago, acting through my attorneys, I filed suit with the Circuit Court of Leon County, Florida, against Governor George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and the nine justices of the United States Supreme Court. In this lawsuit, I seek only what is fair – you know, that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney concede the election, so that the will of the people may prevail. In addition, I’m seeking, from the defendants, $117,341 in compensatory damages, and $13.9 million in punitive damages. Now, with further details, I would like to introduce my attorney, Sidney Shyner. Sidney?

[ Sidney Shyner takes the podium ]

Sidney Shyner: Good evening. My name is Sidney Shyner, I’m the attorney for the Vice-President. During the course of the past four weeks, through this legal manueverings to prevent a true count of votes, Governor Bush has not only upset the wills of the citizens of Florida, but has caused my client extreme and prolonged pain and suffering. Not only has my client been denied the presidency, but as a result of Governor Bush’s actions, has suffered headaches, dizzy spells, night sweats, shooting pains in his neck and lower back, loss of consortion, and acute sensitivity to odors. In addition, so severe is the emotional damage to my client, he has begun to appear stiff and awkward on television. [ Gore demonstrates ] Occasionally, even insincere. [ Gore stops ] Which has aversely affected his ability to persue a liveliehood. To correct these problems will require extensive therapy. The monetary damages we seek, large though they are, will cover barely a fraction of the cost. And let me add, for the record, I have no political interest in representing the Vice-President, and I am not in any way affiliated with the Democratic Party – Mr. Gore approached me after seeing my ad on the “Montel Williams Show”.

[ Gore returns to the podium ]

Al Gore: Thank you, Sidney. Senator Lieberman, do you have anything you want to add?

[ Joseph Lieberman, wearing a fake neck brace, takes the podium ]

Joseph Lieberman: Just two things. 1: Mr. Shyner will be representing me in my suit against the ABC Network and the producers of “Good Morning America”, rgarding their icy sidewalk. And, second: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 6

00f: Tom Green / David Gray

VH-1 Storytellers

Russell Hitchcock…..Will Ferrell
Graham Russell…..Chris Kattan
Announcer…..Darrel Hammond

V/O: We now return to Air Supply on VH-1 Storytellers.

Russell Hitchcock: Hello. As we told you before when you didn’t recognize us, we are Air Supply.

Graham Russell: Yeah. I’ll go ahead and mention our massive hits again. “Lost in Love”, “All Out of Love”, “The One That You Love”. Ring any bells?

[They look around for an audience reaction and receive none]

Russell Hitchcock: Come on folks, it wouldn’t kill you to clap.

Graham Russell: It doesn’t take much energy, and it’s just good manners.

[Audience looks extremely bored and unimpressed]

Russell Hitchcock: All right. Back in the early ‘80’s we never imagined we would go on to be one of the biggest acts ever on the adult contemporary charts.

Graham Russell: Yeah. And we never imagined that we’d be dropped off the face of the Earth so abruptly. But we did.

Russell Hitchcock: We sure did. But now we’re back. In a big way.

[Audience still looks bored and unimpressed]

Graham Russell: So here’s a new song, from our new CD entitled “Holiday Love”. I think its pretty fitting for this time of year.

Together: [singing]
“It’s Thanksgiving time, it’s such a great day now.
Turkey and bread, and plenty of stuffing.
It’s Thanksgiving time, it’s a time for Jell-O
You can watch some TV, maybe have some grape Kool-Aid.
Ooh.”

Graham Russell: “I think I dig your style.”

Russell Hitchcock:
“I think I dig your style.

It’s Thanksgiving time, I love your new blazer
Your sleeves are pushed up, it looks pretty awesome.”

Graham Russell:
“Well, thank you, my friend. You’re so kind to say soYour eyes are so blue, I think that I like them.”

Russell Hitchcock:
“It’s Thanksgiving time, let’s go get a burger,Maybe some fries, and go take a car ride.”

Graham Russell:
“Go to a motel, drink a gallon of brandy
Hang out in robes, and see what develops.”

Together: Ooh.

Graham Russell: “I think I dig your style.”

Russell Hitchcock: “I think I dig your –“

[They look at each other lovingly, then begin to make out.]

V/O: Believe me, we will not be returning to VH-1 Storytellers!

[fade]

Submitted by: Ana Carr

SNL Transcripts

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

Horatio Sanz: Last week, we did a little holiday song up here, and it was lot of fun, so we asked if we could do it again, and they said, “Absolutely not.”

[ shows Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chis Kattan, and Tracy Morgan all dressed in green as fake snow falls on them. Horatio is playing a lute, Jimmy is playing a keyboard with a built-in drum machine that Chris Kattan is holding, and Tracy Morgan is running in place beside them, as jingle bells play in the background. ]

Horatio Sanz: Let’s do it anyway.

[ they start playing ]

I don’t care what the people say-
Christmas is really fu-un!
I don’t care what the neighbors say-
Christmas is number o-one!

I don’t care what everyone says-
Christmas is awesome and coo-ool!
I don’t care if you think it’s a lie-
Christmas and Santa ru-ule!”

Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what time it is
I don’t care what day it is-“
Horatio Sanz: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-aay!”
Horatio and Jimmy: “I wish it was every daa-aay!”

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Rap Street

Grandmaster Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazzam…..Horatio Sanz
Aaron Carter…..Mena Suvari

Grandmaster Raps & Kid Shazzam: (rapping)
Grandmaster Raps with the sneakers on
I’m breakin’ heavy bling at the breaka breaka dawn
I’m Kid Shazzam, and my rhymes don’t quit
Cuz we both retired, and we don’t do…shikka shikka
Rap rap, a ribbity rap rap
A rip rop ribbity do!
And this is what we like to say
A rip rop ribbity do!
Whoo! Uh- huh!

Grandmaster Raps: Those rhymes were ill!

Kid Shazzam: Mmm-hmm! You can’t get no flu shot to protect you from those illin’ rhymes either!

Grandmaster Raps: You cannot, no, you cannot!

Kid Shazzam: Welcome to Rap Street everybody! Well, what’s goin’ down, Grandmaster Raps?

Grandmaster Raps: Well, everything is funky fresh!

Kid Shazzam: Ooh, funky fresh indeed! Before we start our show, we’d like to give a shout out to one of our fly girls – Janice Thompson. She’s gettin’ a hip replacement. Get better, girl!

Grandmaster Raps: So send your cards and letters to St. Mary’s hospital, down yonder on route six. Now for those of y’all who did our old rap school favor, we want you to see us live, and you wanna see us live too. So we’re gon’ to run down the dates for the Old School Masses of Rap, Old School’s in Session, Ring the Bell, 2001 tour!

Kid Shazzam: All right, woo! First one’s on February 19th, at the 50 Grand Lounge. Then the twentieth, Open Mike night at Carlos O’Malley’s Mexican Irish Pub. Twenty-first, cancelled, twenty-second, cancelled, twenty-third, cancelled, twenty-fifth, cancelled, twenty-sixth, to be announced, and the twenty seventh show is cancelled!

Grandmaster Raps: Woo! To be announced, right?

Kid Shazzam: To be announced, and the rest we be doin’.

Grandmaster Raps: Come on down, and we gon’ kick it up! Okay, now here Shazzam, have you seen this little kid rapper that goes by the name of Lil’ Bow Wow? Ten years old, and talking about dangerous grown up thangs like drivin’ cars and talkin’ on cell phones!

Kid Shazzam: You better leave that illin’ stuff alone! Cell phones increase the risk of brain cancer by 14 percents!

Grandmaster Raps: Mmm-hmm. Kids grow up too fast in the world of hip hops.

Kid Shazzam: That is true, that is true Grandmaster Raps. Which brings us to our guest. Now, he’s young, but he’s good. Puts that Lil’ Bow wow in his place like we put Charlie in his place in Vietnam!

Grandmaster Raps: Oh, that holocaust with flame throwers and napalms…

Kid Shazzam: Orgies and whatnots…I don’t know why I’m bringing up that illin’ stuff anyway. Well, please welcome little Aaron Carter!

(Aaron enters)

Aaron Carter: Yo, what’s up Grandmaster Raps and Kid Shazzam! It’s great to be here, I’m a big fan!

Kid Shazzam: You’re a nice young man. Now, tell us Aaron Carters, what kind of stuff do you rap about?

Aaron Carter: Fun stuff like washing dishes, getting straight A’s, cleaning up your room and helping wash your grandma’s hair!

Grandmaster Raps: What a nice young boy. Now I understand you’re gonna perform for us, and this is from Aaron’s CD and the song is called “Aaron’s Party”

(music starts)

Aaron Carter: (rapping)
Well listen everybody to what I say
My dad got a clown for my birthday
We’ll laugh and have fun acting all cool
Eat hot dogs and jump in the pool
Everybody Party Party
Everybody’s gonna rock
Everybody party party
Ends at eight o’ clock!

Kid Shazzam: Yeah! It ends at eight o’clock!

Grandmaster Raps: Good time for a party to end!

Kid Shazzam: Whoo, I love to party! Cut a garbage can in half and put some ribs on that sucker…

Grandmaster Raps: Oooh! That’s good! Yummy Time!

Kid Shazzam: You better watch it, eating all that food and jumping in the pool! You get cramps in the bottom of the pool like that…ooh!

Aaron Carter: Mena Suvari Yes, Mr. Raps and Mr. Shazzam.

Grandmaster Raps: Now what are some of the other songs on your CDD?

Aaron Carter: Mena Suvari Well, I got Candy is Good, I Like my Bike, and Help the Police.

Grandmaster Raps: That’s nice! You keep putting out that good stuff! Looky here little Aaron Carters, would you like to join us in a lil’ old school raps?

Kid Shazzam: One fly treble!

Grandmaster Raps: Two fly thangs!

Both: Come on, Aaron Carter let’s rock this place!

(music starts)

Aaron Carter – My name’s AC and I like to say, I like to rap in an old school way

All: We gon’ rap rap, a ribbity rap rap, a rip rop ribbity do!

Kid Shazzam: That’s the end of the show!

Grandmaster Raps: Good night everybody!

All: A rip rop ribbity do!

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Mena Suvari’s Monologue

…..Mena Suvari
…..Will Ferrell
…..Molly Shannon
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Tracy Morgan

Mena Suvari: This is so cool to be hosting “Saturday Night Live!” This is like a dream come true. It all started when I got a part in the movie “American Beauty”. But I had an equally amazing experience working with the cast of this show. Here, let me show you. [ walks off stage ] I mean, look at this studio, can you believe it? I thought you’d enjoy seeing what goes on at the beginning of the show. I mean, I’ve learned so much this week about doing live television. [ finds Will Ferrell backstage ]

Will Ferrell: [ dressed in his Spartan Cheerleader costume ] Hey, Mena! Good luck tonight!

Mena Suvari: Thanks, Will! [ to camera ] That’s Will Ferrell. He’s so cute. [ music from “American Beauty” plays, as Mena falls into a trance imagining Will seducing her amidst rose petals flowing from his chest ] Spec-tact-u-lar!

Will Ferrell: Have a good show.

Mena Suvari: Yeah, thanks.. you, too, Will.. [ continues walking down the hall ] And this is where they write the cue cards, and down the hall is the Props Department. [ spots Molly Shannon ] Hey, Molly Shannon!

Molly Shannon: Hi, Mena! You’re gonna have a great show tonight!

Mena Suvari: [ happy ] You think so? [ falls into her trance again, imagining Molly lying on a bed of rose petals ]

Molly Shannon: Are you okay?

Mena Suvari: Oh, sorry.. what were you saying? [ falls back into her trance, now imagining Molly dressed as Mary Katherine Gallagher ] Mmm.. yea-eah..!

Molly Shannon: Mean? Are you alright?

Mena Suvari: [ snaps out of her trance ] Oh, yeah! I’m fine! Goodybe, Molly! [ turns down the hall ] And this is where the extras hang out.. [ Lorne Michaels and Tracy Morgan pass through the hall ] Lorne! Tracy!

Lorne Michaels: Hello, Mena. How are you?

Mena Suvari: I’m very well, thanks.

Tracy Morgan: Mean, you fine! Ain’t she, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Fine. Definitely fine. [ Lorne falls into a similar trance, only he envisions Tracy Morgan lying in a bed of rose petals instead ]

Tracy Morgan: Lorne? Everything copasetic? You alright, dog?

[ Lorne silently turns and walks away, leaving Tracy confused ]

Mena Suvari: [ back on stage ] We’ve got a great show, Lenny Kravitz is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Bonus Episode 2

SNL Primetime Extra 2

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I apologize for what happened before the commercial, and would like to assure the audience that all three contestants are now wearing pants. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Ozzy Osbourne has negative 79,000 dollars.

Ozzy Osbourne: All aboard! [laughs]

Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Martha Stewart has a commanding lead with zero.

Martha Stewart: Alex, I’ve transformed this simple game show podium into a rich cornucopia of winter flora, using dried figs and snow-tipped eucalyptus. I really treasure it.

Alex Trebek: Wow.. And, in third place, [sighs] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: We meet again, Trebek. I noticed you weren’t able to sit down during the break. What’s wrong sweetie, did you have a date last night?

Alex Trebek: Thank you, Mr. Connery. Now let’s take a look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: Potent Potables, Drummers Named Ringo, States that Begin with Californ, Richard Nixon, The Number After Two, Famous Kareem Abdul-Jabbars, and finally, Don’t Do Anything.

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: What is it, Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: Knock, knock.

Alex Trebek: Who’s there?

Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night. [laughs]

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Drummers Named Ringo for 400. And the answer is: This Ringo was the ‘Starr’ drummer for the Beatles.

[Stewart buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Martha Stewart?

Martha Stewart: I’m so terribly lonely.

Alex Trebek: I know.

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, the drummer for the Beatles.

Sean Connery: Craven Morehead.

Alex Trebek: Who is Craven Morehead?

Sean Connery: Apparently, you are.

Alex Trebek: The answer of course is Ringo Starr. Mr. Osbourne, you get to choose.

Ozzy Osbourne: Chews? All right, I’ll take Charleston Chews for 60 millions!

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Don’t Do Anything. The answer is: don’t do anything. Don’t ring your buzzer, just remain motionless and you all win.

[Osbourne buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Osbourne, you just lost.. Well, at least the two other contestants-

[Stewart buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Why did you ring your buzzer?!

Martha Stewart: Because that sound reminds me of a yellow-throated New England warbler.

Alex Trebek: Well congratulations Mr. Connery, you-

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Why did you do that?!

Sean Connery: Because I hate you, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, it’s your board.

Sean Connery: It certainly is, you beef-witted applejohn. Lookie what I did.. [made “Richard Nixon” read “hard on” ]

Alex Trebek: All right.. Fantastic. All right, let’s just end this. Final Jeopardy. The category is: You know what, I’ll tell you what, the category is Things You Like. Just write down or draw a picture of something you like. If you like circles, draw a circle. Mr. Osbourne could draw a Charleston Chew. Mr. Connery could draw me hanging myself. Anything at all. Well, let’s start with Ozzy Osbourne. He wrote… monkeys. Fine. That’s great, you like monkeys.

Ozzy Osbourne: No, I hate monkeys. They’re awful. I had a monkey one time, but he wouldn’t drink alcohol, so, I bit his bloody head off! [laughs]

Alex Trebek: There’s something wrong with your brain. Martha Stewart seems very confident. Let’s see what she wrote… absolutely nothing.

Martha Stewart: Alex, I’m filthy rich, I don’t need your chump change.

Alex Trebek: You’re playing for charity.

Martha Stewart: Screw ’em.

Alex Trebek: Please seek some counseling. And finally, Sean Connery, you wrote: Alex Trebek.. I-I can’t believe it.. Some-Something you like is me.

Sean Connery: Oh, laddie.. I know I’m hard on you but it’s all in good fun.

Alex Trebek: Well, I.. I don’t know what to say. Let’s see how much you wagered.. Sucks.

[Connery laughs]

Alex Trebek: I can’t believe I fell for that. So long from Celebrity Jeopardy, good Lord.

Submitted by: Pyro Falkob

SNL Transcripts