President Ralph Nader…..Jimmy Fallon Devil…..Chris Parnell
[ open on Scenario III ]
Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States: Ralph Nader.
[ open on the Oval Office ]
President Ralph Nader: [ eye twitching ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. My great pleasure to address you at this time about unparalleled national stability and prosperity. My promise to dissolve a corporate political structure has resulted in great opportunities for all.
[ flying pigs suddenly pass over Ralph’s desk ]
Citizen groups, individual thinkers, have generated a tremendous capitol of ideas, information, and solutions tothe point of unprecedented surplus.
[ a pair of shivering devils stand next to Ralph’s desk ]
Our infrastructure has been rebuilt, the number of children in poverty has decreased, and we have a nation under an unshapely stable leadership, moving boldly to the future. Thank you all, and good night.
Devil: Hey, Ralph!
President Ralph Nader: Hello Devil.
Announcer: This has been a Message from President Ralph Nader.
President Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Scenario II ]
Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:Al Gore.
[ open on the Oval Office – super computers behind the desk ]
President Al Gore: Good evening, America. Tonight I have some important issuesto briefly discuss, which is why I’ve secured this four-and-a-halfhour of primetime – you know, as I do every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, andSuperbowl. Now, I want to pick up where I left off last time, with ourEconomics textbooks, page 326. Y’all are gonna need to get your homeworkout. You know, I was really disappointed in some of your performances onlast week’s pop quiz. Idaho, I’m looking in your direction.. Today, we’regonna focus on.. [ a big belly walks in front of the desk ] ..we’re gonna..we need to tend.. [ annoyed at the distraction ] Come on! Will you get outof here!
Former President Bill Clinton: Ooh, sorry, Teech! Are you on?
President Al Gore: Yes, I’m on!
Former President Bill Clinton: Let me guess.. Internet, blah blah..lock-box, blah blah.. I’m just kiddin’ ya! [ laughs ] Oh, by the way..[crushes beer can ] ..we’re out of beer!
President Al Gore: You said you’d be here for two weeks, you’ve beencrashing on this couch for two years! I swear —
Announcer: This has been a Message from President Al Gore.
[Open on establishing shot of Gracie Mansion at night]
Announcer: And now, a message from Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
[Fade in on Rudolph Guiliani sitting on a leather chair behind a fireplace with a vase of roses on an end table and a short, potted tree to his right]
Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening, New Yorkers. Im Rudolph Guiliani and this is my [Hammond is interrupted by the cheers and applause from the studio audience, so he starts his line over] Im Rudolph Guiliani and [indicates to the short potted tree to his right] this is my very good friend, Judith Nathan. [Judith peeks out from behind the potted tree and smiles and waves at the camera, then hides behind the tree again]. We gotta make this quick, cuz Judith is not supposed to be in here.
Theres been a great deal of press this week about my personal life, specifically that my very good friend, Judith Nathan, and I are deeply in love. Totally, for infinity, no takebacks, [pumps a fist in the air]: go Yankees! Secondly that my wife, Donna Hanover, is acting like a bratty little baby and refusing to allow my very good friend, Judith Nathan, into Gracie Mansion just because this is a [uses air quotes] quote, home that she [uses air quotes again] quote lives in. And thirdly, and most importantly, that my penis is broken [Judith peeks from behind the tree again, nods, and mouths Youre right, then gets back behind the tree].
Why cant the press[Hammond is again interrupted by the studio audience. He stops and shakes his head, then gets on with the rest of his lines]: Why cant the press focus on positive stories, like the inspirational story out of Los Angeles this week, of a man down on his luck who took matters into his own hands and changed his life for the better. Im, of course, talking about Robert Blake. Mr. Barretta, nicely done! [chuckles]: Wish I had the huevos. Thats right, thats right, but I want to assure my constituents that in spite all this controversy and negative press, Im very focused on my job. Just today, I attended the dedication ceremony for Judith Nathan Park, formerly known as Central Park. [laughs half-heartedly]: Im also working day and night to pass a statute that would make it illegal to write Comb-Over Jones on the back of your husbands windbreaker, knowing full well that he will be wearing said windbreaker at the dedication of Judith Nathan Park, formerly known as Central Park. So heres where Im at: 1) Im being humiliated every day in the papers, 2) My wife, Donna Hanover, is ruining all my windbreakers, and 3) I finally found a relationship that works, but my penis does not.
[Judith, for a third time, peeks from behind the tree, nodding to the last thing Guiliani said, then hides again. Guiliani looks off-screen to his left when he hears a very familiar voice]
Rudolph Guiliani: Oh, crap, here comes Hanover.
Donna Hanover: [from off-screen] Hey! Hey!
[Donna Hanover comes in, dressed in a black pantsuit, angrily wielding a baseball bat]
Donna Hanover: Hey! Hey! Hey! All right, all right. Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?
[Guiliani laughs as Judith makes her escape while hiding behind the potted tree. Donna scans the room wildly and does a double take when she notices the tree sneaking away]
Donna Hanover: Hey! Hey! I see that plant! [chases after the plant with baseball bat in hand]
[Guiliani laughs]
Rudolph Guiliani: What can I say? 57 with a combover and a broken penis and the ladies still fight over me. Ah! It must be the way I perform [zoom in on Guilianis face as he says the signature opening line for the show]: Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Jenna Bush….Julia Stiles
President George W. Bush: I’m the President of the United States and I need a straight answer. Am I going to get the spy plane back? (Shakes magic 8 ball) “Ask again later!” You always do this to me, dammit! I’m the President!
(Intercom buzzes)
President George W. Bush: Yeah, what is it, Janet?
Voice of Janet: Sir, your daughter Jenna is here.
President George W. Bush: Send her in.
(Jenna Bush enters)
Jenna Bush: Hi Daddy!
President George W. Bush: Hey sweetie. (they hug) How are you doing? I was just attending to some very important foreign policy business. Now what’s this I hear about you getting in trouble down in Austin?
Jenna Bush: Oh, that, it was nothing. I was just hanging out at a bar with some friends and I got a ticket for underage drinking.
President George W. Bush: Now I am very disappointed in you. I got a lot of things to be thinking about with my new job. Heck, I just got finished with my first 100 days and I got 100 more to go! (laughs) I’m jokin’ around. I know that there’s three-hundred days in a year. But serious. I am serious here.
Jenna Bush: What is the big deal? I mean, I’m 19 and I drank a beer.
President George W. Bush: Well, in Texas they could put you to death for that.
Jenna Bush: Oh Daddy, gimme a break.
President George W. Bush: I mean, I don’t get it. You’re down in Texas, partyin’, thinkin’ everything is a big joke. I can’t believe you’re my daughter.
Jenna Bush: Of course I’m your daughter, Dad! Stop being so melodramaculous!
President George W. Bush: You’re the one being melodramaculous. Now I’m just trying to be compassionate. Now your mother and I are worried about you. She tells me your grades are slipping.
Jenna Bush: I have a 2.3.
President George W. Bush: 2.3! In Texas that’s legally drunk!
Jenna Bush: No, daddy, it’s my GPA.
(George W. Bush looks perplexed)
Jenna Bush: That’s Grade Point Average. A 2.3 is like a C plus.
President George W. Bush: C plus, that ain’t that bad! Hell, your mother’s overreacting. C plus! Hell, someone just earned a dinner at the Outback.
Jenna Bush: Really, Oh, the Outback? You’re not disappointed in me?
President George W. Bush: Heck no, heck no. In fact, come a little closer, let me tell you a story, tell you a little story about a guy with a C minus average, who was a failure in business, who was just fartin’ around down in Texas. Partyin’, drinkin’, doin’ blow. You know what happened to that guy?
Jenna Bush: No, what?
President George W. Bush: He went to jail, ’cause he was poor and Mexican.
(They laugh)
President George W. Bush: But there was another guy doing the same stuff. But his dad was in charge of the CIA, then vice-president, then president. Do you know what happened to him?
Jenna Bush: I think I do.
President George W. Bush: He became president. I’m talking about me.
Jenna Bush: Do you think I could be president some day?
President George W. Bush: Well you never know. Maybe you’ll one day sit here and say:
Together: “¡En Vivo Desde Nueva York, es Sabado En La Noche!“
Doctor: You sure you don’t want to use any drugs for the delivery?
Wife: Well.. we thought about it, and we really want to have a natural birth.
Doctor: Funny.. a couple of dopeheads like you.. I thought you would jump at a chance to get high illegally.
Wife: Excuse me! We are not drug addicts!
Doctor: [ twitches ] Huh? I’m sorry.. were you talking to me? Did you just tell me you thought I was attractive?
Husband: She didn’t say that!
Doctor: Let’s face it, chum.. the ol’ Ball and Chain is into OPP, if you catch my drift..
Wife: Hey! You are really..
[ Molly Shannon runs in dressed as a nurse ]
Molly Shannon: Doctor! The Davenhalls have been waiting for nearly an hour!
Doctor: Thank you, Molly Shannon! Send them in right away.
Husband: We’re not done!
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry. I double-book my patients so I can make more money and be happier with my life.
Wife: I think we want to switch doctors!
Husband: Yeah!
Doctor: [ stands ] Well.. knock yourself out, toots! But no one knows their way around your gyne-town like me!
Husband: You can’t talk to people like that!
Doctor: Well, I just did talk to people like that Now.. scoot! [ pushes the couple out of his office ] Scoot it! Move it on out! [ stretches his arms ] Alright.. that should clear my schedule for the day.. at last, a little Me Time! [ sits down ] Better call Beverly..
[ the Davenhalls enter ]
Mr. Daverhill: Hello!
Mrs. Daverhill: Hi, Doctor!
Doctor: [ looks up ] Oh.. it’s you.
Mrs. Daverhill: Is this a bad time?
Doctor: Frankly.. yes.
Mr. Daverhill: You scheduled this time..
Doctor: That is a lie, and you know it! [ sighs ] Since you’re here, let’s do this..
Mr. Daverhill: I wasn’t lying, I.. [ they sit ]
Mrs. Daverhill: Well, everything seems to be pretty good. I can feel the baby kicking!
Doctor: Maybe he’ll grow up to be a place-kicker! [ they all laugh at the joke ] ENOUGH!!
Mrs. Daverhill: Could you not yell like that?
Doctor: I have very upsetting and shocking news.
Mr. Daverhill: Oh, my God.. what?
Mrs. Daverhill: What..?
Doctor: After taking over 400 Polaroids of your Choo-Choo, I have detemrined..
Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me.. what’s a “Choo-Choo”?
Doctor: Heaven on Earh, my friend! Some people call it the Love-Llama. Anyway, after taking several hundred photos, I came to a startling conclusion that’ll change your lives for- [ phone rings ] Hold on, this’ll just take a second.. [ answers phone ] Hello. What? Why, I’d love to change my long-distance service! Yeah. Now? No, now’s a great time for me! Hold on.. I’ve got call-waiting.. [ takes other call ] Hello? Bev-er-ly! My old friend! How are you? Oh, my God! I love Hungry, Hungry Hippos! No, I didn’t know they had tournaments.. What?! Third place! That’s fabulous! No, I’m completely alone right now. Please go on in great detail! Ohhh.. oh-ho-ho! Ahhhh! Eeeeee!! Ahhhh! [ Mr. Davenhall clears his throat to catch the doctor’s attention ] Please stop doing that! What’s that, Beverly? Yeah, I’ve got a couple of.. pieces of trash here in my office.. real stout..
Mrs. Daverhill: We can hear you!
Doctor: The guy’s got this bony oblong head. Mmm-hmm. The kind you’d paid money to kick! And the chick’s just an old-fashioned fatty, with a face like a rotten bee’s nest.
Mr. Daverhill: Hey, you know, come on!
Doctor: Gotta go, old chum. Gott go. See you at the races. And, oh yeah.. sorry about your loss! [ laughs uproariously at the in-joke ] Well, the police were never that bright anyways! Alright, bye now! [ hangs up phone, then begins to hum to himself ]
Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me?
Doctor: [ looks up ] Aaagghh!! Who the HELL are you?! Molly Shannon! Help me! HELP ME!!
Molly Shannon: [ runs in ] What?!
Doctor: Call the police! There’s a couple of greasers here to rob me!!
Molly Shannon: Doctor, these are the Daverhills, you have an appointment with them, remember?
Molly Shannon: Ohhh.. I see. [ relieved ] Whoo!
Molly Shannon: Is there anything else, Doctor?
Doctor: No, I just thought they were greasers. Thank you, Molly Shannon, you are a delight!
Molly Shannon: As are you, sir! [ exits ]
Doctor: Now.. where were we?
Mr. Daverhill: You said you had some startling news for us..?
Doctor: What? Oh, yes! You’re not pregnant.
Mrs. Daverhill: [ stunned ] Wha..?
Mr. Daverhill: How is that possible?
Doctor: It happens all the time. One of your kidneys just happens to be shaped like a baby.. and then you started to get fat.
Mrs. Daverhill: But.. we heard the heartbeat, and..
Doctor: That was the bass drum from the Toto cover band that lives next door.
Mr. Daverhill: What are you talking about?
Doctor: I’ll be honest.. I don’t know.. My mind.. my mind is elsewhere.. I got in a traffic argument this morning. This woman must have been at least 80.. and I slapped her, pretty hard, in the face. And then I ripped all the groceries out of her car and threw them in the street, and backed over them with my Humvee. I feel crummy about it.
Mrs. Daverhill: Well, you probably shouldn’t do things like that..
Doctor: You SHUT that SMELLY MOUTH of yours NOW!! Or I’ll SLAP YOU!! There I go again..
Mr. Daverhill: What’s your deal?
Doctor: What’s my deal, Bucko?! I’ll tell you what my deal is! I’m gonna go KARATE on your FACE!! THAT’S my DEAL, HONCHO!! Huh?! Is that a good enough DEAL for you?! Huh?! Huh?!
Mr. Daverhill: [ cracking up ] Look.. I don’t want to fight you..
Mrs. Daverhill: I think my water broke! Yes, I am having the baby! Ho! That was a contraction! Oh, God!
Doctor: [ jumps out of his chair and screams like a little girl ] What are we gonna do??!! Boil some blankets! Get some tofu! Tape some old episodes of “Benson”! [ Molly Shannon enters ] Molly Shannon, what are we gonna do??!! Tell me this is a dream!
Molly Shannon: Everything’s gonna be okay! We’re gonna deliver a baby!
Doctor: [ screams ] The HELL I am!! BLOODY MUDER!! BLOODY MURDER!!
Mrs. Daverhill: Is he a real doctor?
Molly Shannon: No, he’s not a doctor, but he’s an absolute gentlemen. Now, come on, let’s get you to the hospital! [ leads the Daverhills out of the office as the Doctor continues to scream ]
Doctor: [ sighs relief as they exit ] That was a tough one! My dogs are barking.. [ sits, pulls socks off and props feet on desk ] Good God, what I put up with. Yee-ikes.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey …..Tracy Morgan …..Kid Rock …..David Spade
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
A Delta Airlines flight to Japan had to turn back Thursday because Russian air officials said the plane didn’t have permission to fly through their airspace. President Bush immediately apologized for the incident, just to mess with China.
Chinese President Jiang Zemin, meanwhile, continus to insist that the United States take responsibnility for the crash, stating, “Americans have to learn that not every accident is the Chinese driver’s fault.”
An Arkansas man has been accused of passing $18 million in bad checks. In a strange twist, authorities say the man has absolutely no connection to the Clinton Family.
According to friends, Darryl Strawberry’s disappearance from alcohol rehab last week was in part prompted by thoughts of opening day at Yankee Stadium. Said one friend, “Darryl misses the roar of the crowd, the smell of the grass, the crack..”
Strawberry’s flight from his rehab clinic violated the terms of his house arrest, which means Strawberry now faces jail time and the very real possibility of becoming Ally Mcbeal’s new love interest.
Jimmy Fallon: After leaving the court-ordered drug treatment program, Darryl was missing for two days. At one point, it was reported that he had been kidnapped. Here to explain what happened, Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Jimmy. As you all know, my man Darryl Strawberry was arrested earlier this week. People ask, “How could this happen? What’s going on?” What’s going on? I tell you what’s going on! Darryl’s down in Florida sitting in the rehab with a monkey on his back and cancer in the colito. And if that ain’t enough to get you back on the pipe, his baseball season starts up. He snaps! Next thing you know, he calls his boys Cliff and Chuck. They drop him off at some broad’s crib in the projects. He’s sitting on a bag of dirty clothes getting high, watching opening day. That’s not right. Other crackheads ain’t got to watch their jobs on TV. So he’s sitting there in his dingy white drawers with a pair of black dress socks on, when the phone rings. And Beverly out there in the kitchen answers it.
[ shouting ] “Hello! [ pause ] Hold on. Darryl! The phone!”
Darryl’s sittin’ there puffing on a pipe, he could be in a Miami hotel, or even in a hotel in San Francisco, very nondescript. “Who is it?”
“It’s Doc Gooden.”
“What he want?”
“He said the cops was looking for you!”
“Damn it. [ pause ] Tell him I got kidnapped!”
“He said does they want ransom?”
“Yeah. [ pause ] Tell him they want $50,000!”
And Beverly said, “He said they want 50 grand. They want to go food shopping, too. [ to Darryl ] He said the police ain’t trying to hear that.”
“All right, tell him I turn myself in tomorrow. And come get your son. He got his Playstation hooked up and I’m trying to watch the game.”
So that’s what went down. Darryl, check it out. Get better, we’re all praying for you. Peace.
Jimmy: Tracy Morgan, everybody. Come on.
New York Police are already preparing for Monday’s Braves/Mets game, which marks the return of controversial Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker. Police are particularly nervous because this monday at Shea Stadium is Homo Day.
Tina Fey: [ holds up picture of Hugh Hefner and seven girlfriends ] Tonight, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will celebrate his 75th birthday. At Hefner’s side will be his seven girlfriends – Stephanie, Tiffany, Regina, Cathy, Kimberly, Buffy and, of course, Tina. Because wherever two or more whores are gathered, there’s always a Tina. Now, when I first saw these women, I thought the same thing we all did – what has happened to affirmative action in this country? Hefner’s dating seven blonde, white women – not a blonde pubic hair among them, might I add. Not a pubic hair among them. Come on, though – seven blondes? There’s not a hot Asian woman you can throw in there? A light-skinned black woman? A deaf brunette? Something? Where’s the diversity? When are we going to have a Hefner harem that looks like America? Am I really to believe that these women, each of them, offers you something unique?
Let’s go over them, if you will. [ points to first girlfriend ] This one is 19, okay. Two months ago she was working at Dairy Queen, now she goes clubbing every night with Bill Maher and Don Adams. Is she better off? It’s hard to say!
This one.. [ points to second girlfriend ] ..this one isn’t even trying. I’m actually very disappointed in this one. What is that, a man’s shirt? You are the weakest link – goodbye!
[ onto the third girlfriend ] This one doesn’t even have a name anymore.. she’s just “Girl”. She’s basically just there because she knows CPR.
[ fourth girlfriend ] This one is always next to him, always holding his hand. [ in Chinese accent ] She a numba one girlfriend! At 28, Tina is the oldest and has a two-year-old son. That must be a wonderful way to grow up, playing Fetch the Ashtray with James Caan in the Grotto, while your mom’s upstairs praying for the Viagara to wear off so she can get you to the orthodontist on time. Fantastic.
These two.. [ points to next two girlfriends ] ..these two right herem these two are like this.. [ crosses fingers ] Sometimes they’re like this.. [ squeezes fingers ]
[ final girlfriend ] And this one, clearly, this one is willing to do something the others will not do. Whatever the filthiest thing you can think of – it’s a little worse than that, and she’ll let you photograph her doing it. Gotta be the reason she’s there.
But you know what? You can’t condemn these woman, because at least they work together, they support each other, and how many woman can say that, right? And these women aren’t doing it for the money. They’re doing it because they were molested by a family friend. I salute you, Hefner ladies. You are making it work! Back to you Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: Now, with a special edition of the “Hollywood Minute”, our old friend David Spade.
Kid Rock: What’s up, dude?
Jimmy Fallon: You’re not David Spade. You’re Kid Rock.
Kid Rock: One and the same, dude. Spade and I did a movie together, so we’re partying in New York City. Don’t you know it that that wuss Spade drinks a thimble full of Heineken and passes out? So I’m here to fill in and do his little “Hollywood Minute” thing.
Jimmy Fallon: Alright.
Kid Rock: I mean, how hard could it be?
Jimmy Fallon: Alright. I don’t know.
Kid Rock: Just picture me as Spade. Six inches off my height, about eight inches off my..
Jimmy Fallon: Piener?
Kid Rock: First off: Britney Spears. Is it me, or does she look like the Hamburgler?
Next up: The Olson Twins. Why is every guy in America waiting for these chicks to turn 18? I mean, you know what I’m saying? If there’s grass on the field, play ball! THat’s so wrong!
Sean “Puffy” Combs. He just got acquitted for shooting off a gun in a nightclub. So he’s got that going for ihm.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that’s good..
Kid Rock: But Jennifer Lopez left his ass, so things aren’t all good. You know, for the past two years, J-Lo is like, “Puffy, I think we should see other people.” And he’s like, “How about I blow your head off, bitch?” She’s like, “You know what? Why don’t we sleep on it and see how we feel tomorrow?”
David Spade: [ enters on desktop dressed like Kid Rock ] “Bawitdaba da bang da dang! Diggy diggy diggy! Said the boogie said Up jump the boogie!
Bawitdaba da bang da dang! Diggy diggy diggy! Said the boogie said Up jump the boogie!
My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-”
Kid Rock: There’s only one H.R. Pufnstuf here, Spade!
David Spade: “My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDD!!!!”
Kid Rock:
Jimmy Fallon: Kid Rock, David Spade, everybody. I’m Jimmy Fallon for “Weekend Update”.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Margaret Jo McCullin…..Ana Gasteyer Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon Alfie Thuman…..Sean Hayes
Margaret Jo McCullin: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullin.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Together: And you’re listening to.. The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, Terry, once again, our old friend the groundhog didn’t see his shadow, and you know what that means.
Teri Rialto: Yes. Seven years of bad luck.
Margaret Jo McCullin: No. It means Spring is just around the corner.
Teri Rialto: Oh.. so it does.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Great. It’ll be fun!
Teri Rialto: Good times!
Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times! Yes. Well, Teri, “Spring” about some gustatorial goodies! Like lettuce.
Teri Rialto: Yeah, baby lettuce.
Margaret Jo McCullin: And hearts of lettuce! Gosh, my notes for the show are kind of lame!
Teri Rialto: Yeah, we really shouldn’t have rocked out so hard last night at that Cashew Festival..
Margaret Jo McCullin: It was nuts!
Teri Rialto: [ giggles ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Alright, let’s bring out our guest. He’s an expert on fungi, and author of “Hey, Pardner, This Town Doesn’t Have Mushroom Enough For Both Of Us”. Yes, it does. Which I think is about mushrooms. Please welcome Alfie Thuman.
Alfie Thuman: [ enters studio, unsure how to use the headphones ] Oh.. there you are. Well, I’m glad there was mushroom enough for me on the show!
Teri Rialto: [ giggles ] You’re very funny!
Margaret Jo McCullin: We heard a mushrumor you were available!
Teri Rialto: That’s funny! You’re really funny!
Alfie Thuman: Well, I always love to mushruminate about fungi!
Teri Rialto: Okay, that’s enough.
Margaret Jo McCullin: So, Alfie, tell us about the world of mushrooms.
Alfie Thuman: Well, alright. Did you know that there are over 3,000 varieites of mushrooms in North America?
Margaret Jo McCullin: So you might say, wherever we are, there’s a fungus among us!
Teri Rialto: Wow.. that’s really funny.
Alfie Thuman: Anyway.. one can use mushrooms in a variety of ways: toss them in salads, grill them, I’ve even heard some of the more avante-garde chefs put them on pizzas..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Ooh..
Teri Rialto: Get out of here..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Freaky-deaky!
Alfie Thuman: Tell me about it. You know, when you’re hunting for mushrooms, it helps to know what you’re hunting for. [ slides plate of mushrooms onto control panel ] These here, are all mushrooms you can find in your own backyard. These platters include some wonderful edible wild mushrooms.. [ Margaret Jo and Teri start eating ] ..and some that are extremely dangerous and toxic to the central nervous system. [ the women abruptly stop eating ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. let’s say we just happen to eat a mushroom.. hypothetically, how would we know if it were toxic?
Alfie Thuman: Mm-hmm. Well, the first indication would be a severe distorting..
[ his voice becomes distorted to Margaret Jo and Teri, as psychadelic lights and music flash around them ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Neat..
Teri Rialto: Fun..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times..
Teri Rialto: Good times..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. for our listeners who can’t see this.. the studio has just filled with shiny, talking grasshoppers..
Teri Rialto: I can touch the sun with my eyes..
Margaret Jo McCullin: That’s true, Teri.. Hey, look.. it looks like our guest has turned into a lizard in a three-button suit.. Hi, Lizard.. how you doing..?
Alfie Thuman: This is Lizard Cosell!
Teri Rialto: Oh my gosh.. he’s doing a Howard Cosell impression..
Margaret Jo McCullin: That seems reasonable..
Teri Rialto: Let’s take a call from one of our listeners..
Telephone: [ dancing behind them ] Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Margaret Jo McCullin: Thanks for calling..
Telephone: No problem. [ exits ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: In a minute, we’re going to get to some really great potato recipes.. but right now, Teri, I’m gonna fly down your throat and into the universe that lives inside all of us..
Teri Rialto: Neat.. me, too..
Margaret Jo McCullin: That’ll be neat..
Teri Rialto: Fun..
Margaret Jo McCullin: This is good times..
Teri Rialto: Good times..
[ zoom in on Teri’s face, then spin out to her and Margaret Jo’s heads soaring through the universe ]
Margaret Jo McCullin: Rice.
Teri Rialto: Crackers.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Peas.
Together: Infinity..
Teri Rialto: Crackers.
Alfie Thuman: [ whizzing past ] You already said that.
Teri Rialto: Oh.
Together: Neat!
[ fade to SUPER: “Nine Hours Later” ]
[ studio is back to normal, Alfie still there ]
Alfie Thuman: Teri? Margaret Jo? Are you guys alright?
Margaret Jo McCullin: [ waking up ] Wow.. Sorry about that, Alfie. We just went surfing in the psychadelic atmosphere..
Teri Rialto: Man, those were some mushrooms..
Alfie Thuman: Yes. Those are called portabella mushrooms.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Anyway, that’s about all the time we have on The Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our topic will be..
Together: Poppy Seeds!
Alfie Thuman: If you like portabellas, you should try Shii-Taki sometime.
… Tina Fey … Jimmy Fallon Jeannie Darcy … Molly Shannon … Gwyneth Paltrow
Announcer: From Studio 8H in RockefellerCenter, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon andTina Fey.”
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And hereare tonight’s top stories:
In Florida tonight, the hand count continues andRepublicans are accusing Democrats of changing therules. Among the types of ballots that will now becounted for Gore: indented ballots, ballots leftcompletely blank, and ballots marked “Bush.”
Tina Fey: Al Gore’s offer Wednesday to resolvethe Florida election with a statewide hand recount wasrejected by George W. Bush, who said that such a countwould be, quote, “arbitrary and chaotic.” Bush thenlooked down and crossed two words off his vocabularyworksheet.
The recount is now focused on what are called “chads,”the little pieces of paper punched out of the ballots,and “hanging chads,” pieces that aren’t quite punchedall the way through. When asked if officials shouldconsider hanging chads, George W. Bush responded,”Yeah, let’s hang him! Who is he? Let’s doit.”
Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, Al Goreoffered that if he wins the election, Al Gore, he saidhe’ll meet George W. at his home in Texas. To whichthe Governor responded, “Sure. Come on by. I live in areally big house, can’t miss it, right on the cornerof Eat Me Avenue and Go Screw YourselfBoulevard.”
Tina Fey: Earlier tonight, Michael Douglasmarried Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel herein New York. The entertainment at the reception wassinger Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfectchoice because, like the bride, he is Welsh and, likethe groom, he is old and creepy.
Jimmy Fallon: Cereal maker General Mills isopening its own amusement park this week withattractions like the Lucky Charms Magical Forest, theWheaties Hall of Champions, and the Fiber Onerestrooms.
And, now, I’d like to introduce a new segment onWeekend Update: the Weekend Update TalentShowcase.
Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Since when do we havea “Talent Showcase”?
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I-I-I-I’m a stand-up, youknow, and I like to give a little bit back. So, uh,I’d like you to meet a really great lady, she’s akick-butt comedienne, Jeannie Darcy, ladies andgentlemen.
[Applause for Jeannie Darcy who stands before a fakered brick wall, holds a microphone, and delivers hermonologue of lame jokes, very stiffly.]
Jeannie Darcy: Thank you. Hi, folks. I’mJeannie Darcy. Hey, is it me or is it cold enough tohang meat in here? Don’t get me started. I’m a littlecranky today. It must be PMS. Ladies, I get it so bad,I don’t have periods. I have exclamation points. Don’tget me started. Do not get me started.
Tina Fey: Jimmy! What is – what’s up with thislady?
Jimmy Fallon: Love her. She’s, uh, I know herfrom my building. Isn’t she hilarious?
Jeannie Darcy: Who – ? Can I have a show ofhands for who likes to date in here? Okay. I’m verypicky. I have a specific type. Somebody who calls meback. Don’t get me started. My ex-boyfriend was waytoo critical. The only thing he didn’t put down in ourhouse was the toilet seat. Don’t get me started. Healso wanted me to dress sexy all the time. Ladies, canwe talk about thongs? Who designed these things?’Cause it wasn’t a woman. Tina Fey, you’re a woman.You know what I’m talking about.
Tina Fey: Yeah. Leave me – leave me out ofthis. Please.
Jeannie Darcy: Um, I know what you’re talkingabout, sister-friend. And – and what aboutdiets?
Jimmy Fallon: You know, Jeannie, you gotta -you gotta go now but thank you. Awesome. Everyoneloves you.
Jeannie Darcy: What’s the matter, Jimmy? Haveyou “Fallon” and you can’t get up?
Tina Fey: Jeannie Darcy, everyone!
Jimmy Fallon: I still love her. I still loveher.
Jeannie Darcy: Don’t get me started. [cheersand applause]
Jimmy Fallon: See you in the laundryroom.
Jeannie Darcy: Don’t get me started.
Tina Fey: Send your tape to [?]
Jimmy Fallon: You were really funny. Reallygood. [Jeannie exits]
Tina Fey: President Clinton visited Vietnamthis week and, to balance things out, John McCain gothigh and made out with some British collegegirls.
Jimmy Fallon: On Thursday, Hillary Clintonarrived in Vietnam where she was greeted by adoringcrowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared hercandidacy for mayor of Hanoi.
Tina Fey: In a Time magazine article, BarbaraBush was quoted as saying, “I was the mother of aPresident for thirty minutes. I loved it.” This cameas new information to many who thought she was themother of a President for four years. [Photo ofBarbara and husband George Bush]
Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has beenall over the news this week. First, she set a deadlinefor the recount, then she was overruled, now she hasbeen stripped of her ability to certify the Floridavotes. Katherine Harris hasn’t gotten this muchattention since Spring Break ’77. Look at her, shelooks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheatedon in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there’sanother setting on your make-up mirror. It’s called”daytime.” Check it out. Turn it up.
Now, here, with this week’s Hollywood report is ourgossip man, Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. [rubs his handstogether] Oooooh, it’s been a juicy one! First up:guess who Martha Stewart’s cooking a specialThanksgiving dinner for? Jimmy Fallon. [waves arms inthe air, expects to hear a swooshing sound effectwhich arrives late] And who just bought a thirtymillion dollar mansion in upstate New York? Rumor hasit: Jimmy Fallon. [waves arm to swoosh effect] GwynethPaltrow’s new movie “Bounce” opened in New York torave reviews. But who was Gwyneth seen ice skatingwith in Central Park? Not Ben. Jimmy. Fallon. Sh! Sh![a little dance move, an arm wave, a swoosh]
Tina Fey: Jimmy, what are you talkin’ about?Mansions, Gwyneth Paltrow? That’s not gossip. You’rejust lying.
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, in high school, they usedto call me “Jimmy Gossip.” I know gossip, Tina, andyou’re no gossip.
Tina Fey: Okay, you know, I need to talk to youabout this after the show ’cause youcontinue–
Gwyneth Paltrow: Uh, Jimmy?
[Gwyneth Paltrow enters, wearing a sleeveless pinkshirt that reads JIMMY RULES, to cheers and applause,Jimmy rises to greet her.]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, hi. What are you doinghere?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Sorry. I’m – I’m really sorryto interrupt you guys but, um, I’m locked out of themansion with Martha Stewart, you know. I can’t – Ican’t find my keys anywhere.
Jimmy Fallon: Cutie!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I’m standing out there withthe turkey.
Jimmy Fallon: You were locked out? Were youfreezing?
Gwyneth Paltrow: I was freezing.
Jimmy Fallon: Cutie! You were cold?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. We were.
Jimmy Fallon: You should’ve checked under thething. I’ve got the keys under the doorway.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Give me your keys.
Jimmy Fallon: Awww, cutie! [gives her hiskeys]
Gwyneth Paltrow: When are you cominghome?
Jimmy Fallon: Like an hour orsomething.
Gwyneth Paltrow: All right. I miss you.
Jimmy Fallon: [they trade kisses] I love you. Imiss you. I love you. [they do some serious smoochingand Jimmy repeats “I love you” over and over beforethey finally break]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay, bye. [exits to cheersand applause]
Jimmy Fallon: [sits at desk, gazing afterGwyneth, absently throws it back to Tina who tries toact nonchalant] Back to you.
Tina Fey: That was really, really–
Jimmy Fallon: Back to you, Tina.
Tina Fey: That was really gross, okay?
Jimmy Fallon: [still gazing off] Yeah, back toyou.
Tina Fey: The daytime talk show “The View” hasreached an agreement– Okay. [crowd and Tina stilllaughing from previous bit, so Tina starts over] Thedaytime talk show “The View” has reached an agreementwith Campbell’s Soup in which the hosts of the showwill spontaneously mention Campbell’s products inevery broadcast. Critics of the deal say thiscommercial tie-in could undermine Barbara Walters’journalistic integrity the same way oxidation can ruinthe finish on your deck chairs. That’s why I useThompson’s Water Seal. [holds up a container ofThompson’s Original Water Seal] Back to you, Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallon: USA Today reported this week thatan increasing number of young teens are engaging inoral sex and experts blame it on the Clinton-Lewinskyscandal. However, they never would have known aboutthe trend if kids weren’t tattled on by a gang ofschool of– school yard little Linda Tripps. …[doctored photo of kid with Linda Tripp’s headsuperimposed on it] Look how cute she is.
Tina Fey: Funny picture!
Jimmy Fallon: [mumbling] Little jukebox. Littlegirl.
Tina Fey: During an interview this week,Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friendswith Michael Jackson, saying, “I think we understandeach other in a way that most people can’t understandeither of us.” He then added, “Basically, we bothstill wish I was nine.”
Jimmy Fallon: China’s state media reported thisweek that a thirty-seven year-old Chinese man had hisdamaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon.Earlier today, the man was quoted as saying, “Doesthis taste funny to you?”
For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and havea pleasant tomorrow.
(credits start to roll) I thought you loved me! Where are you? Where is she? Don’t go guys!
(stage crew start to dismantle the wedding set)
Tom: (to crew member) Don’t take the arch! She said she is coming! Don’t take the arch! (fights the crew for the arch) She’ll be here! Don’t take the arch! Drew, where are you? Where is she? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw: Hello, America! Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris issued a statement saying that the state of Florida will contest the federal judge’s ruling……
Announcer: We interrupt this Election 2000 breaking story for an update from Florida. Reporting from New York, here is Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw: Hello, America. This is a real breaking news story. What you were just watching was breaking news on tape. I apologize for that. This is live. Unless, of course, this is a tape of a live segment we’ve….
Announcer: We interrupt this breaking news on tape for a real breaking news story. Here’s Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw: Ok. I’m sorry about that. There’s a lot of different kinds of breaking news on this story, but this one is for real. I’ve just been told that George W. Bush is going to make a statement from the governor’s mansion in Texas. NBC takes you live to Austin, for this important address.
George W. Bush: (completely spaced out look) Me? Oh! Good evening, America. For the past few weeks, we have been thrown into a horrifying and tumultuous nightmare known as the Recount. It’s like a world gone mad. Regular people hand counting ballots to make sure the right vote was cast. A process racked with fraud and Democratic voodoo mind reading. Yikes! I’m sure that, like me, most of you have been very edgy and wetting the bed. You’ve probably been tempted by the demon Budweiser. I said tempted! Well, no more. I’m calling this thing! I won fair and square! That’s right, state of Florida, read my mouth! I am the President of the United States!
Now, I’ve been carrying this acceptance speech in my pocket for weeks and it’s high time I read it. It’s in here somewhere. (fishing through pockets as random objects fall out) I’m gonna get it out, here. There’s a Bazooka Joe cartoon. (laughs) Man, Bazooka Joe! You don’t have to throw a clock to see if time flies! Alright, here it is: (ahem) “Daddy, help me! I never thought I’d win this thing and I want out….” Wait. (continues to fish in pockets for a different paper) That’s just something else. Uh, here we go: “America, we shall always remember this day of November Seventh. I believe it was the great poet, Lynyrd Skynyrd, who wrote: ‘Ooh, that smell! Can’t you smell that smell? Well, I can smell that smell…’ And it is the smell of George W. triumph, for tonight, I am victorian! And then, the crowd would have gone crazy, you know, aaahh! Aaah!”
(Judges run in and surround Bush)
Wait, what the hell? Who are you? What the hell?
(Enter Al Gore)
Al Gore: They’re Florida Supreme Court justices. They’re here to remind you that you have to wait until Monday to make any statements.
George W. Bush: Ah, I ain’t afraid of no jerkwater justices!
Al Gore: Well, they’re not only justices, they’re also ninjas! Go ahead, fellas.
(Justices enter strike position)
George W. Bush: Ok, sure. Let’s discuss this like a-holes. I mean, like adults.
Al Gore: Take five, boys. (Justices leave) I want to have an impromptu and candid conversation totally off the cuff. Just give my guys a second to set up the teleprompter.
Stage Assistant: Ok. Everything’s set Mr. Vice President.
Al Gore: Governor Bush, why have you consistently refused to meet with me so we can end this political infighting?
George W. Bush: ‘Cause!
Al Gore: Why can’t we have all the counties in Florida conduct a hand count so the will of the people is heard?
George W. Bush: ‘Cause!
Al Gore: Oh, c’mon George! This thing ain’t gonna be over anytime soon and I admit it, you’re enjoying all this back and forth stuff, aren’t you.
George W. Bush: Not me.
Al Gore: Oh, come on. A little bit?
George W. Bush: Maybe just a little.
Al Gore: Same here. (singing to tune of “I’ve Got You, Babe”) “They say we’re young and we don’t know, We won’t find out until we grow….”
Bush: “Well I don’t know if all that’s true, It seems like I won ’cause that ballot confused the Jews..”
